I know that I keep letting you all down and I'm so sorry. I have had so much going on!
I got to have lunch with a sweet friend who I met on the Internet and finally got to put a face with a name and I was so blessed by meeting her and getting to know each other further. We said that we would have lunch together soon and I hope we can again really soon. She is just the sweetest person and has really blessed me knowing her over the last several years.
Secondly, my best friend who moved to Norway back in January had a death in her family and will be in town till September 6. Another huge blessing to me! I got to see her the first time last Thursday. She has lost what I have gained. I have never seen Karen so small! She looks fantastic and has really motivated me. Like all of you who support me she is very concerned about me. We just had lunch together but this next week we are spending Monday, Wednesday and Thursday with each other and I'm sure the following week will be the same. I know that I will have to go through missing her all over again but I also know that she will be coming back November or December for a few weeks. I'm hoping that because she flew here on her own that maybe next year she will consider to come back and spend a month here getting to see family and friends outside of her husband's vacation time. HOPING!!!
I haven't gotten to meet up with JD because he has been sick with a bad cold and awful congestion. Since I just had my Remicade my immune system is at it's lowest so I'm hoping by this coming Tuesday that we will be able to start my training again. This week I started my plan but I have had a rough go of it. Monday I had Remicade and was gone most of the day and when I got home I fell asleep. Eating was good, in fact I missed lunch that day so my calories were only about 1,000 or so calories. Tuesday I met my friend and we went to Luby's and I did really well and after we met I had to run a couple of errands and then I had an appointment to get the Keratin treatment done on my hair. I missed lunch that day too. Not good. Wednesday I had to be at the Dr.'s early to finish up my annual physical. I'll give you the results later. After I saw him I had to run Mark his lunch and then I had to go to the court house to get my handicap placard for my car. Yes, I need one at times. I'm not going to use it unless I really need to like when I go see Anna I have to walk around the building and then walk back to the back of the building once I'm inside. It is a haul and my knees and ankles can't take it. I was so hungry that day because I missed breakfast I did not make a good choice for lunch but my dinner was a good choice. I'm sure that my calories were over 2500 that day. Thursday I got to meet up with Karen after I saw Anna and we had Chinese food and pretty much after that meal I just felt like giving up. Thursday dinner was BBQ and then Friday we headed up to Ft. Worth and my choices while we have been here have been good at times and bad at times. I can't wait to get back home in my own environment! I don't know what next week will bring with Karen being here but I know that she will help me. She always has.
I'm still miserable!
Now on to the results of my physical. My EKG was normal so I was happy about that. Of course my blood work showed that I'm low on B-12 which I'm giving myself weekly injections and my vitamin D is low which the Dr. called in mega D pills for me to take for 6 weeks. I already know from my oncologist that my iron level is low but not to the point of anemia and she will decide next month rather to give me a iron IV or not. I did find out that I am insulin resistant but my numbers are not too high. My Dr. believes that the last 30 lbs that I have gained has caused this. He said that he truly believes that my numbers will go back down with my weight loss and he is really happy about my plan to lose it. My Rheumatologist also said that my plan was great on Monday! He told me that normally they would treat it with Metforman but that can cause diarrhea and that isn't good for my crohns so for the next 3 months I need to stick to my plan and lose what I can and he is going to retest me then. We didn't talk about my cholesterol which the last time I was tested it wasn't high but because of the high inflammation tat I have from crohn's and sjogren's they wanted me on cholesterol meds and I was a bad girl and quit taking them. I admitted it to him last month and he told me not to start taking them until we finished my physical so I'm going to shoot him a email this weekend and find out what those results were and what he wants me to do.
So gang, this is my wake-up call. While things are not bad things are starting to go awry and I don't want to add another medical issue to my list. Oh yes, the Dr. also said that he didn't want to add the Metforman because of all the other meds and supplements that I have to take unless he has to. He said that I am at the point it is scary to have to add any more meds because of all that I have to take. So...it's time for Laura to get serious and she plans to!
We are up in Ft. Worth this weekend to work on Mark's Mom's house. His sister and him turned the weekend into a shopping spree to look for new light fixtures for the house when it is ready to go on the market. If they don't get serious about going through her stuff her house is never going to hit the market. I've been a bit upset this weekend because I came to work but I have pretty much just sat around because I can get around well enough to shop! We are going home today and I will be so happy to get there!
I swear that I am going to get back to daily or at least every other day writing on this blog so I will quit having such long posts!
Thanks for having patience with me and thanks for wanting to keep up with me!
Later!
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
I have been such a mess!!!!
I truly have not realized that it has been two weeks since I wrote on this blog. I have truly been a mess. I have had moment where I felt like my old self and other times I e felt like I was drowning in a deep dark hole. In my last post I shared with you that Anna wanted me to write my own diet program. Well this threw me for a loop. I wavered back and forth as to if I could do that or do I just need to find another program to try. I also have spent a lot of time thinking about my parents and the negativity that they bring into my equation. I've thought about Mike and how even still being away from WW he still has too much a hold of my life. I can tell you that there have been times that I have felt like I was spinning out of control. And I ate and ate and ate and ate. I had my last workout with JD two weeks ago two and walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes about killed me. For the next 3 days I could barely walk my legs were hurting so bad and then my knees started hurting. I have never had any knee pain. I kept eating, in secret, when Mark was at work and hiding the evidence. Sick! Sick! Sick! I have never seen myself in such emotional turmoil.
Last Thursday my meeting with Anna went really well and she made me feel better about writing my own program and following it. We also talked about me getting a good support group going and she sweetly told me that she would be here to cheer me on. That was one thing that has been bothering me is having someone locally to be a buddy and cheer each other on That is what I miss the most out of my WW meetings! Being with people in the same boat trying to reach a goal. I left determined to write my own program, set some new boundaries and start praying for someone locally who could cheer me on. I know that I have all of you and trust me you all mean the world to me but I only have a connection with a few who do read this blog, some of you I don't even know. I just see your location hit my stats. I always say a prayer for you and I always wish that I could know each of you better and more personally.
Last Friday morning I had to go and have some blood work done for a physical that I have coming up this coming Wednesday. I decided to call my Dad and talk to him about their recent visit and things that were sad. We talked about 45 minutes, the length of time it took to drive to my Dr.'s office. It was a hard conversation and at times it was uncomfortable and times we fought. I did get my point across and that was I was no longer going to take their policing my diet and being negative about my weight and more importantly who Laura really is. In a nutshell because I don't want to make this too long I told him that I needed and wanted them to love me for who I am now, accept me where I am at now, acknowledge my true talents and get off of me about my weight with all their negative comments and conversations. I told him that I was afraid of them passing on and me not having closure to our problems. He assured me that they love me and he could see what they were doing was bad and wrong and that he would talk to my Mom and they would stop it and would support me for who I am. I told him and made him understand that no one was more concerned about the weight than I was and that I was going to work on it and I was determined to win the battle.
The second thing that happened last Friday was I waited to see if Mike would call like he normally does after he is through with his morning meetings. He had not called me all week and after our conversation the last Saturday before I truly felt that he was playing games with me. Another control function of his. Well, I decided that I was done with games and since I was in the mode of getting some areas of my life going in the right direction I might as well just call it quits with our relationship, friendship whatever you want to call it. I was freaking done with him. I called him fully ready to talk to him but he ignored my call so I left him a message telling him that I was sick of his games and sick of his comments about the phone and that I was ending our friendship. I really don't remember what else I might have said. I then went to my phone settings and blocked his phone number. Then my phone rang and it was him and I saw my phone reject the call. He left me a message. Before I could call to listen to that one I saw my phone reject his call again and he left message number two. I listened to his messages and whined to me about not understanding, that I had broken his heart, to please call and talk to him, and how much it was out of character of me. Well it is not out of character for me because I am slow to anger but when I blow you better be out of the way! LOL! It doesn't happen very often, in fact it is rare but I can be pushed to explode after a long time. I was mad that he didn't take my call but could immediately listen to my message and immediately call me back. His second message he told me that he didn't talk to anyone this past week because he had a very sick family member and then went on to shoot me down and want to know what he had done. I figured since he could leave a message that maybe I could text him. I texted him and told him that I would send him a letter. He responded back that he didn't want a letter but he wanted to talk to me. Well as far as I was concerned he had his chance. I then text him and told him that I was sick of his comebacks and I was sick of him not letting me talk or listen. I told him that I was tired of giving in to him, I told him that I was done taking crap from him like he throwing Sandy in my face as being a witness that I was the one always calling him. That was bull! I went on to tell him that he was a control freak and I was done with him controlling me. There were some other things I said that I needed to get off my chest about him but you get the jest of what happened. He texted me back saying that I took things wrong and I knew that he was fixing to start sweet talking me out of my anger like he always does so I CHOSE to ignore him. I have not heard from him since. It as been a week and I hope that it is forever!
This past week I ate more and more and tried to start writing my program for Anna and I would get started and delete it. I could not find any self-confidence in trying to write anything that would resemble a weight loss program for myself. At times I felt empowered and times I felt like I couldn't go on. Times that I wanted to just die and times that I wanted to fight to live. And yes I am taking my antidepressants! I really felt like a yo-yo! Well on Wednesday I wanted to throw in the towel and I started researching gastric surgery again. I didn't know what else to do. When Mark got home I told him that I wanted to seek out surgery again and he quickly told me that I would be signing my death certificate and told me that he knew that I could do this. He told me that he would do anything to help me. I pondered a program and he went to be and I tried to get the writing juices going and I couldn't and found myself sleepy so I went to bed and asked Mark to wake me when the alarm went off at 5:00 so that I could get up and write my program for Anna.
Needless to say that I didn't sleep well and I was awake about 4:45 a.m. so I got up and came and put my computer in my lap, played a few games on FB and then opened a Word Document and got started with a title of "Laura's Life Plan" That is the name of the program. Then I wrote on the Paper Phase One. I struggled but knew that I had better have a plan done for my session. Next I wrote down next to it Lose 20 lbs. Starting Weight 395 lbs. Ending Weight 375 lbs. I knew that I am not getting around, knees and feet killing me, knew there was no way that I could cook and Mark was about to so next I wrote down was: Eating Plan: Prepackaged foods and no eating out except for Subway. Calorie limit was 1500 Calories. Next I wrote down Exercise and I just sat there. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to delete it all because I feel so much like a complete failure. I finally wrote down that I would do the Wii for 30 minutes in the morning sitting in a chair and I would dance sitting down. I wrote down that in the afternoon I would do 30 minutes of exercise with 2 lb. weights that JD has been wanting me to get. With Phase One complete I went on and was able to map out the rest of my plan including surgery and getting on to goal. A rush of relief ran over me.
I got dressed and out the door to go see Anna and we talked abut my good-bye to Mike for a few minutes and then I handed her my plan. She loved it! She wondered why I didn't set some time limits and I didn't because at this weight I have never eaten just 1500 calories except back in April when I started JD's plan and the weight came flying off and that was without exercise except what I did when I was with him. I told her that I needed to get through Phase II and I would be better at setting a time limit on all the other Phases. I do have to admit looking at the Plan and it's Phases it does look doable and no so overwhelming!!! We talked about rewards and I told her that I wanted to stick with my Pandora bracelet and a charm for every 10 lbs that I lose and a charm for my necklace for ever month that I successfully follow the plan without any screw up. We talked about the 100 lb goal being a gold Pandora Charm with Diamonds for my necklace and the ending being a whole new wardrobe and she would help me shop! I love the way Anna dresses and I would be thrilled if she would help me and she said that she would be honored to. We laughed and agreed that Mark better get more money set back for that! LOL! She asked me when I was going to start and I told her this Monday. I told her I picked Monday because I needed to get pre-packaged food in the house, get my weights and write out my weekly plan to follow. So that is what it is. My start date is this coming Monday.
So...I will create a tab on this blog and I will post my full plan for all of you to see this weekend. I am going to share with you each Monday what I plan on eating. Another thing before I forget Anna and I talked about my 1500 calorie limit and why I picked that and I told her because doing what JD wanted me to I had a hard time getting up to the 1800 calorie limit that he set. She felt like 1500 may be to low at my present weight and encouraged me to work with JD and get it on up to 1800 so we will see. My mind says between 1500 and 1800. So that is the plan. I am going to be using my new Body Bugg that I can track through my phone. I'm not going to figure out calorie a I write the plan out for the week but I will take note what the Body Bugg is telling me and make adjustments as needed and of course I will make changes to the plan if need be. I will make a tab for all of you to see what I am going to eat for the week. Once I get to where I can stand for more than 5 minutes I will post recipes that I try along the way.
Ready to find out what Phase II is? Stay tuned! Pray for me! I'm scared of where I'm at. I was in better shape at 468. I had no pain. This is awful! I feel like a prisoner!
Last Thursday my meeting with Anna went really well and she made me feel better about writing my own program and following it. We also talked about me getting a good support group going and she sweetly told me that she would be here to cheer me on. That was one thing that has been bothering me is having someone locally to be a buddy and cheer each other on That is what I miss the most out of my WW meetings! Being with people in the same boat trying to reach a goal. I left determined to write my own program, set some new boundaries and start praying for someone locally who could cheer me on. I know that I have all of you and trust me you all mean the world to me but I only have a connection with a few who do read this blog, some of you I don't even know. I just see your location hit my stats. I always say a prayer for you and I always wish that I could know each of you better and more personally.
Last Friday morning I had to go and have some blood work done for a physical that I have coming up this coming Wednesday. I decided to call my Dad and talk to him about their recent visit and things that were sad. We talked about 45 minutes, the length of time it took to drive to my Dr.'s office. It was a hard conversation and at times it was uncomfortable and times we fought. I did get my point across and that was I was no longer going to take their policing my diet and being negative about my weight and more importantly who Laura really is. In a nutshell because I don't want to make this too long I told him that I needed and wanted them to love me for who I am now, accept me where I am at now, acknowledge my true talents and get off of me about my weight with all their negative comments and conversations. I told him that I was afraid of them passing on and me not having closure to our problems. He assured me that they love me and he could see what they were doing was bad and wrong and that he would talk to my Mom and they would stop it and would support me for who I am. I told him and made him understand that no one was more concerned about the weight than I was and that I was going to work on it and I was determined to win the battle.
The second thing that happened last Friday was I waited to see if Mike would call like he normally does after he is through with his morning meetings. He had not called me all week and after our conversation the last Saturday before I truly felt that he was playing games with me. Another control function of his. Well, I decided that I was done with games and since I was in the mode of getting some areas of my life going in the right direction I might as well just call it quits with our relationship, friendship whatever you want to call it. I was freaking done with him. I called him fully ready to talk to him but he ignored my call so I left him a message telling him that I was sick of his games and sick of his comments about the phone and that I was ending our friendship. I really don't remember what else I might have said. I then went to my phone settings and blocked his phone number. Then my phone rang and it was him and I saw my phone reject the call. He left me a message. Before I could call to listen to that one I saw my phone reject his call again and he left message number two. I listened to his messages and whined to me about not understanding, that I had broken his heart, to please call and talk to him, and how much it was out of character of me. Well it is not out of character for me because I am slow to anger but when I blow you better be out of the way! LOL! It doesn't happen very often, in fact it is rare but I can be pushed to explode after a long time. I was mad that he didn't take my call but could immediately listen to my message and immediately call me back. His second message he told me that he didn't talk to anyone this past week because he had a very sick family member and then went on to shoot me down and want to know what he had done. I figured since he could leave a message that maybe I could text him. I texted him and told him that I would send him a letter. He responded back that he didn't want a letter but he wanted to talk to me. Well as far as I was concerned he had his chance. I then text him and told him that I was sick of his comebacks and I was sick of him not letting me talk or listen. I told him that I was tired of giving in to him, I told him that I was done taking crap from him like he throwing Sandy in my face as being a witness that I was the one always calling him. That was bull! I went on to tell him that he was a control freak and I was done with him controlling me. There were some other things I said that I needed to get off my chest about him but you get the jest of what happened. He texted me back saying that I took things wrong and I knew that he was fixing to start sweet talking me out of my anger like he always does so I CHOSE to ignore him. I have not heard from him since. It as been a week and I hope that it is forever!
This past week I ate more and more and tried to start writing my program for Anna and I would get started and delete it. I could not find any self-confidence in trying to write anything that would resemble a weight loss program for myself. At times I felt empowered and times I felt like I couldn't go on. Times that I wanted to just die and times that I wanted to fight to live. And yes I am taking my antidepressants! I really felt like a yo-yo! Well on Wednesday I wanted to throw in the towel and I started researching gastric surgery again. I didn't know what else to do. When Mark got home I told him that I wanted to seek out surgery again and he quickly told me that I would be signing my death certificate and told me that he knew that I could do this. He told me that he would do anything to help me. I pondered a program and he went to be and I tried to get the writing juices going and I couldn't and found myself sleepy so I went to bed and asked Mark to wake me when the alarm went off at 5:00 so that I could get up and write my program for Anna.
Needless to say that I didn't sleep well and I was awake about 4:45 a.m. so I got up and came and put my computer in my lap, played a few games on FB and then opened a Word Document and got started with a title of "Laura's Life Plan" That is the name of the program. Then I wrote on the Paper Phase One. I struggled but knew that I had better have a plan done for my session. Next I wrote down next to it Lose 20 lbs. Starting Weight 395 lbs. Ending Weight 375 lbs. I knew that I am not getting around, knees and feet killing me, knew there was no way that I could cook and Mark was about to so next I wrote down was: Eating Plan: Prepackaged foods and no eating out except for Subway. Calorie limit was 1500 Calories. Next I wrote down Exercise and I just sat there. I just wanted to cry. I wanted to delete it all because I feel so much like a complete failure. I finally wrote down that I would do the Wii for 30 minutes in the morning sitting in a chair and I would dance sitting down. I wrote down that in the afternoon I would do 30 minutes of exercise with 2 lb. weights that JD has been wanting me to get. With Phase One complete I went on and was able to map out the rest of my plan including surgery and getting on to goal. A rush of relief ran over me.
I got dressed and out the door to go see Anna and we talked abut my good-bye to Mike for a few minutes and then I handed her my plan. She loved it! She wondered why I didn't set some time limits and I didn't because at this weight I have never eaten just 1500 calories except back in April when I started JD's plan and the weight came flying off and that was without exercise except what I did when I was with him. I told her that I needed to get through Phase II and I would be better at setting a time limit on all the other Phases. I do have to admit looking at the Plan and it's Phases it does look doable and no so overwhelming!!! We talked about rewards and I told her that I wanted to stick with my Pandora bracelet and a charm for every 10 lbs that I lose and a charm for my necklace for ever month that I successfully follow the plan without any screw up. We talked about the 100 lb goal being a gold Pandora Charm with Diamonds for my necklace and the ending being a whole new wardrobe and she would help me shop! I love the way Anna dresses and I would be thrilled if she would help me and she said that she would be honored to. We laughed and agreed that Mark better get more money set back for that! LOL! She asked me when I was going to start and I told her this Monday. I told her I picked Monday because I needed to get pre-packaged food in the house, get my weights and write out my weekly plan to follow. So that is what it is. My start date is this coming Monday.
So...I will create a tab on this blog and I will post my full plan for all of you to see this weekend. I am going to share with you each Monday what I plan on eating. Another thing before I forget Anna and I talked about my 1500 calorie limit and why I picked that and I told her because doing what JD wanted me to I had a hard time getting up to the 1800 calorie limit that he set. She felt like 1500 may be to low at my present weight and encouraged me to work with JD and get it on up to 1800 so we will see. My mind says between 1500 and 1800. So that is the plan. I am going to be using my new Body Bugg that I can track through my phone. I'm not going to figure out calorie a I write the plan out for the week but I will take note what the Body Bugg is telling me and make adjustments as needed and of course I will make changes to the plan if need be. I will make a tab for all of you to see what I am going to eat for the week. Once I get to where I can stand for more than 5 minutes I will post recipes that I try along the way.
Ready to find out what Phase II is? Stay tuned! Pray for me! I'm scared of where I'm at. I was in better shape at 468. I had no pain. This is awful! I feel like a prisoner!
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