I took a nap and woke up needing to talk to someone so I called my niece Meredith. I was aware that she most likely didn't know my parents were coming and I was right and after I told her I needed to talk and started telling her the story of my day she blew up at my parents coming and nobody telling her and on and on. After calming her down and explaining everything to her I was in a bad mood, really I was pissed off because she told me to call her when I needed to talk and when I did this happened. I got off the phone with her and decided to call Rae.
As I started my conversation with Rae nearly the same thing happened. She had heard all about what my parents did in early December and she had thought all long that I should have tried to fix things but she just didn't understand about my life and my relationship with my parents. So she started in on me about feeling anxiety which is not what I told her but had explained to her that is what Mark thought. Anyway it turned into a different type of argument and in the middle of it Mark called and I was so thoroughly pissed by this point I told him to go get Enchiladas De Tejas, Queso with Taco Meat, a order of Guacamole and to make sure and get chips and salsa. I'm sure by the tone of my voice he knew he had better or else. He did. I got off the phone with Rae before he got home with an agreement that we would come over to her house later to give her our opinion about a paint color that she was using in one of her bedrooms.
Now let me say this. What I had Mark bring home I have eaten many times in a restaurant minus the guacamole. I usually would leave full but not hurting. After eating what he brought home I was sick. I was hurting and I could hardly breathe. Mark and I didn't say much during the dinner. Mark has pretty much learned over our near 27 years of marriage when to just leave me alone. That is a good thing but it is also a bad thing. Anyway once we got done. I sat up straight and I just started bawling. I was sick and I wanted to throw up but couldn't. It was the most miserable feeling I had ever experienced. Even when I lived with the band around my stomach.
While I was crying I told Mark what had happened. I told him that I was never ever going to try to talk to anybody ever again about what I'm going through. I felt so alone and so sick. He told me that I still needed to talk to me and encouraged me not to stop talking about it with my friends and family if I needed to. but after fighting all day long over Ed and winning and and then for Ed to have been quiet and for 2 women to get to me like they had I just felt like talking about this anymore just wasn't going to be part of the journey.
I got a hold of myself and we went to Rae's and I didn't say anything about what happened and we looked at her paint and Mark fixed her light fixture in her closet and we came home and went to bed. It was only then that I had finally gotten to the point that I felt like I could no longer feel the food.
Here is the most awesome thing. The next morning I woke up and I went back to doing what I had been doing. Eating on schedule and eating mindfully. I had a great day. I didn't think about the day before for the first time I just moved on. I can't even tell you what that felt like. Normally I would have woke up and continued the bad eating. I realized that what I was learning was working. I knew I owed a lot to Kathy.
My eating was good from then on and even when my parents were here. I was a bit nervous once my parents got to my house but not one time did we discuss what I was eating, nothing We had a great visit and on the last night they were here we sat down and had the most incredible 3 hour conversation of my life. We all shared, cried and finally came to a true understanding of what I have been feeling and how sorry we all were for all of our hurtful doings and sayings. It was a dream come true. I can say that even now our relationship is one that it should have been my entire life. I love them so much and for the first time I truly feel how much they truly love me. I have finally healed from this part of my life!!!!
Friday, May 31, 2013
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Part II Of The Very Long And Overdue Update!
I did forget to mention that before Ed started speaking to me that I call my neighbor to see if she would like to go to lunch. She told me that she was getting her toes and nails done and it would be after 1:00 and I told her that would be fine. So after talking to Mark I headed to Walgreen's to get the pain medication for my knees that my oncologist prescribed for me because of my blood thinners. You can't just take anything. All I could think of was finally I would get some relief.
I get to Walgreen's and pull up to the window to find out that they did not get the prescription. I had to pull forward and call the Dr. office and luckily I got straight to a nurse who was able to catch her between patients and they sent it over to Walgreen's. I pulled around and told the clerk that the Dr. just sent it and they checked and told me that it would be about 15 minutes. I pulled forward again to just wait and if that stupid Ed didn't start his yapping in my ears! He goes "Well, there is Jack In The Box while you are waiting why don't you drive through and get you a big diet coke because you are so thirsty and get 4 tacos to go with it." I just sighed and told him "Ed you really need to leave me alone. I'm going to lunch with Rae and I can stand it a little while longer without a coke. I'm fixing to be headed home and I can get one there." Nothing. No response from Ed. But the next thing I know I wake up and I am sitting in the line past the speaker at Jack In The Box and I'm thinking "What am I doing here?" I kid you not I don't remember driving over there nor do I remember ordering! I will swear to it! I got to the window and got out my credit card and they hand me a large drink and a sack of 4 tacos. I about died. It just freaked me out. I drove back around to where I was parked at Walgreen's and ate my tacos and told myself that when Rae called that I would have to tell her what happened and that I had eaten and couldn't go. I knew that 4 tacos wasn't the best choice but I had done it before so I was o.k. with it as long as I didn't go out with Rae. I was still stumped as to what happened.
About the time I was finishing the last taco Walgreen's called my cell to tell me that there was a drug interaction with my Cymbalta and that they were going to have to call the Dr. back. I almost lost it. I just wanted to scream at them but I knew it wasn't their fault. I knew that if the Dr. would have gotten the prescription over to them when I was in her office and not have had to call about it, I would have been home, Ed would have lost and I would be waiting to o and have a enjoyable lunch with Rae. But NO! I was hacked off!
When I got home Rae called to tell me that she had decided to get a massage and that she would be able to go until about 3 and asked me if I wanted to wait. I told her no that I needed to take care of me and that we would get together at some other point in time. I was o.k. with it and I decided to take a nap because I was feeling exhausted from all the goings on of the morning! Whew!
Well, I'm stopping here because my eyes are slamming shut. I have been up since 3:45 a.m. and it is nearly 4:00 and I need a nap! I will be back to finish this day when I wake up. More to come. Like it could get any better. Just wait.....
I get to Walgreen's and pull up to the window to find out that they did not get the prescription. I had to pull forward and call the Dr. office and luckily I got straight to a nurse who was able to catch her between patients and they sent it over to Walgreen's. I pulled around and told the clerk that the Dr. just sent it and they checked and told me that it would be about 15 minutes. I pulled forward again to just wait and if that stupid Ed didn't start his yapping in my ears! He goes "Well, there is Jack In The Box while you are waiting why don't you drive through and get you a big diet coke because you are so thirsty and get 4 tacos to go with it." I just sighed and told him "Ed you really need to leave me alone. I'm going to lunch with Rae and I can stand it a little while longer without a coke. I'm fixing to be headed home and I can get one there." Nothing. No response from Ed. But the next thing I know I wake up and I am sitting in the line past the speaker at Jack In The Box and I'm thinking "What am I doing here?" I kid you not I don't remember driving over there nor do I remember ordering! I will swear to it! I got to the window and got out my credit card and they hand me a large drink and a sack of 4 tacos. I about died. It just freaked me out. I drove back around to where I was parked at Walgreen's and ate my tacos and told myself that when Rae called that I would have to tell her what happened and that I had eaten and couldn't go. I knew that 4 tacos wasn't the best choice but I had done it before so I was o.k. with it as long as I didn't go out with Rae. I was still stumped as to what happened.
About the time I was finishing the last taco Walgreen's called my cell to tell me that there was a drug interaction with my Cymbalta and that they were going to have to call the Dr. back. I almost lost it. I just wanted to scream at them but I knew it wasn't their fault. I knew that if the Dr. would have gotten the prescription over to them when I was in her office and not have had to call about it, I would have been home, Ed would have lost and I would be waiting to o and have a enjoyable lunch with Rae. But NO! I was hacked off!
When I got home Rae called to tell me that she had decided to get a massage and that she would be able to go until about 3 and asked me if I wanted to wait. I told her no that I needed to take care of me and that we would get together at some other point in time. I was o.k. with it and I decided to take a nap because I was feeling exhausted from all the goings on of the morning! Whew!
Well, I'm stopping here because my eyes are slamming shut. I have been up since 3:45 a.m. and it is nearly 4:00 and I need a nap! I will be back to finish this day when I wake up. More to come. Like it could get any better. Just wait.....
Here We Go...A Long...Very Long And Overdue Update!
I am just going to start writing and we will see haw far I get before I get tired, then I will come back and type some more so...there may be multiple posts during a 24 hour period but I will get you caught up because lots been going on. So keep checking back and keep scrolling. LOL!
First I will like to tell you that part of the reason I haven't been out here is because it had become very difficult to type on my computer. I discover recently that it was infected. After 2 techs from Geek Squad and many hours, the typing is better but I'm having a hard time with my Adobe Flash so I guess at some point in time I will connect again with another Geek Squad Tech and see what else we kind do about it! Arg! By the way, for now I'm not going to even try to keep up with the dates!
My parents called on a Friday morning asking me how to get to my brother's house. Mind you that they had just talked to him the night before. They are coming up for a visit and this will be the first time that I will get to see them since I had the mess with them just after Thanksgiving. I wasn't too happy about them calling me to ask me such a dumb question because frankly if I had to drive to my brother's house today I would have to call him for directions. I've only been there 3 times and the last time was Christmas! Did I tell you all about the screwed up relationship I have with my brother? I'm sure that I have told you about it once upon a time. Anyway, after telling them they would have to call Robby I had to get off the phone and get ready to go and see my Oncologist. I got ready and got out the door, got to her office, saw her and my blood was doing great and she was happy with what I was doing with my eating disorder. I walk out of the building and Ed starts talking to me! Remember Ed? He is the name that I have given my eating disorder. It goes with the book My Life Without Ed. I stole it from the author. It is a perfect name for him. It is a him! LOL! Anyway I was getting in my car and Ed goes "Why don't you stop at Chick-Fil-A and get some chicken biscuits?" I politely told him No because I had already had breakfast and I wasn't hungry. I get on the freeway and Ed goes "Oh come on, you know how much you love their chocolate chip cookies! Remember how you use to by the by the dozen and eat them alone frozen?" I told him "Shut up I told you I had breakfast and I'm not hungry!" I get off the freeway to get on a highway that I travel a good long way on to get home and I was coming up on a McDonald's and Ed goes "There is McDonald's, don't you want to stop and get a dozen of their chocolate chip cookies? You haven't had them in a really long time and remember how you loved to get them hot and eat them while you drive?" I told Ed to shut the hell up. I was getting mad! Then Ed goes "Well, you could eat a double quarter pounder with cheese with fries and you need a coke while you wait!" I told Ed "You son-of-a-bitch Ed, leave me alone! I'm not freaking going to do it. You are not going to win! I hate you!" I then picked up my cell phone and tried calling Anna because I was starting to panic. No Answer. I tried calling Kathy and No answer. I then tried calling Mark and he answered and I told him that I needed someone to talk to and told him what all Ed had been doing and Mark starts to laugh! I got mad! I asked him why he was laughing at me and he explains to me that he wasn't laughing at me but laughing at the fact that I was talking about Ed and that I use to not have a name to call what I use to do. He let me tell him the story and and then I told him about the call from my parents. Well, I think I told you that Mark majored in psychology in college so he is pretty smart in that area and he told me that he thinks that I should re-examine my conversation with my parents He told me that he thinks that it may be causing me some anxiety that I'm not seeing. I wanted to tell him to shut up. That conversation had not even been bothering me, I just wanted to share with him how stupid it was of them to call and ask me for directions! Mark and I finished our conversation and I drove on.
OK. I have to go and get ready to go and See Anna and Kathy. I will be gone till early afternoon. I will come back and finish the story but right now I have to go grab a shower and get out of here!
More later.....check back!
First I will like to tell you that part of the reason I haven't been out here is because it had become very difficult to type on my computer. I discover recently that it was infected. After 2 techs from Geek Squad and many hours, the typing is better but I'm having a hard time with my Adobe Flash so I guess at some point in time I will connect again with another Geek Squad Tech and see what else we kind do about it! Arg! By the way, for now I'm not going to even try to keep up with the dates!
My parents called on a Friday morning asking me how to get to my brother's house. Mind you that they had just talked to him the night before. They are coming up for a visit and this will be the first time that I will get to see them since I had the mess with them just after Thanksgiving. I wasn't too happy about them calling me to ask me such a dumb question because frankly if I had to drive to my brother's house today I would have to call him for directions. I've only been there 3 times and the last time was Christmas! Did I tell you all about the screwed up relationship I have with my brother? I'm sure that I have told you about it once upon a time. Anyway, after telling them they would have to call Robby I had to get off the phone and get ready to go and see my Oncologist. I got ready and got out the door, got to her office, saw her and my blood was doing great and she was happy with what I was doing with my eating disorder. I walk out of the building and Ed starts talking to me! Remember Ed? He is the name that I have given my eating disorder. It goes with the book My Life Without Ed. I stole it from the author. It is a perfect name for him. It is a him! LOL! Anyway I was getting in my car and Ed goes "Why don't you stop at Chick-Fil-A and get some chicken biscuits?" I politely told him No because I had already had breakfast and I wasn't hungry. I get on the freeway and Ed goes "Oh come on, you know how much you love their chocolate chip cookies! Remember how you use to by the by the dozen and eat them alone frozen?" I told him "Shut up I told you I had breakfast and I'm not hungry!" I get off the freeway to get on a highway that I travel a good long way on to get home and I was coming up on a McDonald's and Ed goes "There is McDonald's, don't you want to stop and get a dozen of their chocolate chip cookies? You haven't had them in a really long time and remember how you loved to get them hot and eat them while you drive?" I told Ed to shut the hell up. I was getting mad! Then Ed goes "Well, you could eat a double quarter pounder with cheese with fries and you need a coke while you wait!" I told Ed "You son-of-a-bitch Ed, leave me alone! I'm not freaking going to do it. You are not going to win! I hate you!" I then picked up my cell phone and tried calling Anna because I was starting to panic. No Answer. I tried calling Kathy and No answer. I then tried calling Mark and he answered and I told him that I needed someone to talk to and told him what all Ed had been doing and Mark starts to laugh! I got mad! I asked him why he was laughing at me and he explains to me that he wasn't laughing at me but laughing at the fact that I was talking about Ed and that I use to not have a name to call what I use to do. He let me tell him the story and and then I told him about the call from my parents. Well, I think I told you that Mark majored in psychology in college so he is pretty smart in that area and he told me that he thinks that I should re-examine my conversation with my parents He told me that he thinks that it may be causing me some anxiety that I'm not seeing. I wanted to tell him to shut up. That conversation had not even been bothering me, I just wanted to share with him how stupid it was of them to call and ask me for directions! Mark and I finished our conversation and I drove on.
OK. I have to go and get ready to go and See Anna and Kathy. I will be gone till early afternoon. I will come back and finish the story but right now I have to go grab a shower and get out of here!
More later.....check back!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
I'm Really Failing You All...
I'm so sorry that I haven't been out here since Saturday. My intention was to come back the next day and write about my Friday but I just couldn't get in the mood. I guess I needed some time to think about it all. Now my parents are due to arrive at my house just any minute but I wanted to post and let you know that I haven't forgotten you nor have I forgotten about last Friday. It was a trip but a lot of lessons learned and proof a what I'm doing is paying off!
So forgive me and depending on when they leave I will get out here tomorrow or Friday and catch you up!
Thanks for understanding!
So forgive me and depending on when they leave I will get out here tomorrow or Friday and catch you up!
Thanks for understanding!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Thursday...
I had good visits with Kathy and Anna on Thursday. Anna and I mainly discussed the workbook that Kathy has me working in called "Eating Mindfully". I told Anna that I felt like we had some things to work on for me to be mindful. I read her some of the things that I saw out of the workbook and she told me that she was going to order it so that we could work on it more closely together. I'm glad that she is going to do that. It will help for all of us to be on the same page. I really want to learn all that I can because I truly believe that this is where I need to be. No more dieting.
I got to Kathy's and we talked about my food log and spent most of the time on it and she was very happy with what she saw happening. She was also real happy about me going to the store and also going to Costco. I'm still pretty pumped about that too, however this week I needed to go to the store and I just didn't do it. This weekend we are slipping back to the eat-out mode but I plan to go shopping in the morning, shortly after we get up. Back to Kathy... I told her that I talked to Anna about the workbook and that I felt like I had some issues to work through to help me be mindful. I asked her if we could stop where we were at for now in the workbook and let us do some work before continuing and Kathy said "No". I told her that I really would like to because I told her that I was starting to feel like I was starting to drown in the information and needed some to time to let it all absorb as well. She still told me "No" and told me to proceed with the exercises in Chapter 2 this week. The exercises will assess where I'm at in mindful eating. She told me that next week she would share with me where she thought I was at. This should be interesting. She told me that the work book really hits all areas of mindful eating in the first two Chapters but starting in 3 they go back and take each section slower. That should help and give Anna and I some time work do work that I feel like we need to do.
That pretty much was the end of our session. 45 minutes sure do fly by so quickly. I wish that I could afford to have double sessions with both Anna and Kathy. It would do me a world of good!
Thursday night Mark and I decided that we would go out. I told him that I felt like that we needed to stop going to the same old places and start doing what Kathy suggested and make out eating out a special event. We decided to try a new pace for some pasta. We went to Johnny Carino's and we had a wonderful dinner and we thoroughly enjoyed it and realized how much more we enjoyed it going to some place that we had never been to before. Luckily here in Houston we will have lots of new places to go and try!
I was going to combine Thursday and Friday together but the happenings of Friday would make this way to long. It is late Saturday evening when I'm posting this. I will write Friday's in the morning when I get up so...depending on when you come out to read today you will have 2 posts to read to catch up with the happenings of my journey again.
Friday may shock you. It did me!
I got to Kathy's and we talked about my food log and spent most of the time on it and she was very happy with what she saw happening. She was also real happy about me going to the store and also going to Costco. I'm still pretty pumped about that too, however this week I needed to go to the store and I just didn't do it. This weekend we are slipping back to the eat-out mode but I plan to go shopping in the morning, shortly after we get up. Back to Kathy... I told her that I talked to Anna about the workbook and that I felt like I had some issues to work through to help me be mindful. I asked her if we could stop where we were at for now in the workbook and let us do some work before continuing and Kathy said "No". I told her that I really would like to because I told her that I was starting to feel like I was starting to drown in the information and needed some to time to let it all absorb as well. She still told me "No" and told me to proceed with the exercises in Chapter 2 this week. The exercises will assess where I'm at in mindful eating. She told me that next week she would share with me where she thought I was at. This should be interesting. She told me that the work book really hits all areas of mindful eating in the first two Chapters but starting in 3 they go back and take each section slower. That should help and give Anna and I some time work do work that I feel like we need to do.
That pretty much was the end of our session. 45 minutes sure do fly by so quickly. I wish that I could afford to have double sessions with both Anna and Kathy. It would do me a world of good!
Thursday night Mark and I decided that we would go out. I told him that I felt like that we needed to stop going to the same old places and start doing what Kathy suggested and make out eating out a special event. We decided to try a new pace for some pasta. We went to Johnny Carino's and we had a wonderful dinner and we thoroughly enjoyed it and realized how much more we enjoyed it going to some place that we had never been to before. Luckily here in Houston we will have lots of new places to go and try!
I was going to combine Thursday and Friday together but the happenings of Friday would make this way to long. It is late Saturday evening when I'm posting this. I will write Friday's in the morning when I get up so...depending on when you come out to read today you will have 2 posts to read to catch up with the happenings of my journey again.
Friday may shock you. It did me!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Has It Really Been This Long????
I knew that I needed to get out here and write and I kept putting it off but I was shocked to see that it is been way too long since I've given you all an update and I'm really sorry.
Today I'm going to go and see Anna and Kathy so I'm sure tomorrow's update will be full of new stuff but for what has been happening let me get started.
Kathy and I have started the workbook Mindful Eating and boy has it shown me just how mindless I am in all aspects of my life not with just eating. The first Chapter put me at a standstill and perhaps all the thinking that I have done has caused me to not get out here. I can see where being mindful with my eating is going to cause mindfulness in a lot more areas of my life. I really wish that all of you were doing with workbook with me because it would just blow you away. Here is an example of mindlessness in a different area. Let's say you are sitting in a lecture and you are listening to the speaker and you still listen but your mind drifts to something else. Not being mindful! Another thing and I'm sure we all do this one too is cleaning house and going through the motions but not really concentrating on the job at hand. The test that I had to take in the work book had over 25 situations and out of those I did them all except for 2. It really got my mind thinking about my life and how mindless I am and how I need to change not only with my eating but in many other things.
The last exercise for the week was questions about having a conversation with someone and being mindful to what they were saying and then having to pin point when you quit listening and let your mind drift off. I've had a hard time with that one because I just don't get out enough and socialize. I know that I am guilty of it. Especially with my husband when he goes talking about his job and he has said the same thing 50 times before. LOL! Do you find yourself doing this?
This week I read about the 7 steps of being mindful with my eating. I will touch on these things tomorrow after I meet with Kathy. No exercises this week.
Last Thursday I surprised myself by going to the store and picking up some things that we needed. Boy let me tell you that Ed was talking very loudly at me, trying his best to convince me that I couldn't do it! Even to the point that I pulled out of my parking space and started to leave and go home. I then told Ed to go fly a kite but it wasn't that nice and I pulled around and parked and got out and told myself that I could go in and do what I could do and if I couldn't do it all it was o.k. but that I was going to try. Well, I walked the entire parameter of the store and a aisle and I got what we needed and I loaded up the truck and made it home and unloaded and put things away. I was tired but I did it. I can't tell you how happy it made me to know with the pain in my knees that I CAN do things!
Same thing happened on Sunday when Mark and I met friends for pizza and then went through Costco. I made it! I was hurting though when I got through there and out to the car. But I did 2 things last week. Yea me!
I have been cooking and I have struggled with doing so but I have fought Ed and made it. We have really enjoyed it and I love having all the ideas that you all shared with me. Mark and I have really enjoyed the meals as well. Kathy has been happy too!
I will end with this surprise! When we got back from Dallas I weighed 405.4 lbs. I know that I was retaining fluid but as of last Thursday I'm down to 392.2 lbs! Go me!
I'm sorry again that I let so much time pass. I promise that I will be here tomorrow sharing what I have learned about the 7 steps of mindful eating.
Today I'm going to go and see Anna and Kathy so I'm sure tomorrow's update will be full of new stuff but for what has been happening let me get started.
Kathy and I have started the workbook Mindful Eating and boy has it shown me just how mindless I am in all aspects of my life not with just eating. The first Chapter put me at a standstill and perhaps all the thinking that I have done has caused me to not get out here. I can see where being mindful with my eating is going to cause mindfulness in a lot more areas of my life. I really wish that all of you were doing with workbook with me because it would just blow you away. Here is an example of mindlessness in a different area. Let's say you are sitting in a lecture and you are listening to the speaker and you still listen but your mind drifts to something else. Not being mindful! Another thing and I'm sure we all do this one too is cleaning house and going through the motions but not really concentrating on the job at hand. The test that I had to take in the work book had over 25 situations and out of those I did them all except for 2. It really got my mind thinking about my life and how mindless I am and how I need to change not only with my eating but in many other things.
The last exercise for the week was questions about having a conversation with someone and being mindful to what they were saying and then having to pin point when you quit listening and let your mind drift off. I've had a hard time with that one because I just don't get out enough and socialize. I know that I am guilty of it. Especially with my husband when he goes talking about his job and he has said the same thing 50 times before. LOL! Do you find yourself doing this?
This week I read about the 7 steps of being mindful with my eating. I will touch on these things tomorrow after I meet with Kathy. No exercises this week.
Last Thursday I surprised myself by going to the store and picking up some things that we needed. Boy let me tell you that Ed was talking very loudly at me, trying his best to convince me that I couldn't do it! Even to the point that I pulled out of my parking space and started to leave and go home. I then told Ed to go fly a kite but it wasn't that nice and I pulled around and parked and got out and told myself that I could go in and do what I could do and if I couldn't do it all it was o.k. but that I was going to try. Well, I walked the entire parameter of the store and a aisle and I got what we needed and I loaded up the truck and made it home and unloaded and put things away. I was tired but I did it. I can't tell you how happy it made me to know with the pain in my knees that I CAN do things!
Same thing happened on Sunday when Mark and I met friends for pizza and then went through Costco. I made it! I was hurting though when I got through there and out to the car. But I did 2 things last week. Yea me!
I have been cooking and I have struggled with doing so but I have fought Ed and made it. We have really enjoyed it and I love having all the ideas that you all shared with me. Mark and I have really enjoyed the meals as well. Kathy has been happy too!
I will end with this surprise! When we got back from Dallas I weighed 405.4 lbs. I know that I was retaining fluid but as of last Thursday I'm down to 392.2 lbs! Go me!
I'm sorry again that I let so much time pass. I promise that I will be here tomorrow sharing what I have learned about the 7 steps of mindful eating.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)