I have so much to write. A very long emotional day. I've cried so much I can't see the computer screen I'm going to go to bed in hopes that tomorrow I can see clearly. Got some bad news about my little Ernie cat. More tests. Pray for him and me. I do have the maids coming around noon. I know I will start writing in the morning but most likely not have anything up till the afternoon. Expect a long post!
My first stop today was going to see Anna. I did not get my homework done. After I wrote yesterday's blog I was just too tired to get going and my plan was to wake up early today and get it done. I hated going without nothing. I thought the questions were great and I really did want to explore them. Anna decided to take the first question on listing all the ways that diets/diet leaders have been abusive to me, so we started at the beginning. Anna was very interested in how I got down to 128 lbs in high school, she was real concerned about my weight being too low until I told her what my measurements were. She was impressed. I was too, remembering the days, some of the happiest in my life because back in the early 70's it was more about being 36-24-36 and I had nailed it except my bust which was a 32. Always been heavy in the butt! We didn't get much further than that when our time was up and we will finish up next week.
My second stop was to see Kathy. OMG! It was the worse visit I have ever had with her. First she made me so mad she made me cry and then she made me feel like I was the scum of the earth and I couldn't quit crying. She never one time offered me a Kleenex or anything. She just kept yacking her nonsense at me. I really don't remember every single thing that she said to me but there was no doubt that she was either mad at me or totally frustrated with me. The conversation started out about me using my phone App Recovery Record. In the beginning I used it faithfully but over the last month or so (ever since the bad binge) I have been hit and miss, a lot of back filling or days of recording nothing. Well you know how it is with any diet that we have all been on, when we are doing great we want to show off the good job we are doing, but when we are bad we don't want anyone to know It didn't help that last week as my birthday and Mark got me 2 cakes. My choice of course, I'll admit it but they were only 1/8 of a cake. Not big but big enough to do some damage and who wants to record when you eat 2 pieces a day? Duh! Well, when she pulled up my record before calling me back and saw that I had recorded nothing and for the several weeks before hit or miss she blew a gasket. I guess the thing that made me so mad is that she treated me like I didn't know what I was doing! I knew better than to open my mouth for defense or anything while she went off. If she asked me something I tried hard to answer her through tears. I felt so bad and so small. I felt like a child and I'm telling you no one has the right to make you feel that way.
At the time I didn't know what to do, if it happens again I think I will stand up and tell her to stop and we will talk about it like two adults but I'm not a child even though she my think my behavior is. Well all I can say is I do have a eating disorder and this is exactly one of the things that goes on with it so lets be encouraging and move on. Not with her!
She also gave me a stern talking to about the goals we had set for the week and that was for me to cook and she asked me if I had and I told her "No." So I got a lecture about doing my goals. Well hell, it was my birthday week and we went out with friends, I did get a new car so we wanted to go riding and we wanted to go out. It was just not a good week but she couldn't see it. Then I got the lecture that she couldn't help me if I didn't give her something to work with and you know I am an adult and I do realize it and I also realize that I walk through that door week after week and pay her $80.00 for my 45 minute session. So, what is she worried about? I know...it IS her job to help me and to teach me but damn it was not a good week and had not been a good month.
The other thing that happened in the beginning before she got so heated I told her that I had just saw Mark Lejsek and I had told him that I had been hit and miss on my drugs. I think that is what really blew her cork. You all know me well enough this is a ongoing issue of mine and I need to work on it I know full well what it does to me and I for sure don't need it explained to me. Even Mark didn't cut lose on me but told me to get back on the meds and he wanted to see me in 3 weeks to make sure that we didn't need to make any adjustments since I was going to be doing such extensive work on the Eating Disorder. He also assured me that I had great team with Anna, Kathy and Dr. Michel. She told me that I would never reach recovery messing with my meds and that she and Dr. Michel needed me as stable as I could be in order to help treat me.
She knew that I was going to see Dr. Michel next and that I had about a 30 minute wait and she knew that I needed to eat. She asked me what my plans were and I told her that I didn't know. I told her that if I tried to eat right now that I would just throw it up. I would have too. I hadn't been that upset in a very long time. She went ahead and talked to me about places across the street. There was McDonald's, a Bagel Sandwich Shop and a Subway. She also at least confirmed that I wasn't about to cook every night and that there was still going to be some eat outs and she gave me suggestions as to what to do like stay away from french fries, I could have a hamburger without cheese, chicken and so on. She is wanting me to watch my sodium since I retain so much fluid. By this time I have to admit that I was half listening to her because I was fighting so hard not to Boo Hoo. I just wanted to get out of there and I was hoping for no one to be in the waiting room and be able to make it to the bathroom and to my car without running into anyone.
We booked my appointment for the same time next week and I left. I went to the bathroom and luckily no one was there so I could softly cry. When I got through releasing that stress and the tears I went and washed my face off and as I was going out of the bathroom Kathy was coming in and she muttered, I wasn't expecting you and I gave her a fake chuckle and I opened up the door and headed out when she told me to have a nice weekend. I said nothing, I still couldn't get any words to come out. I just went a pushed the button for the elevator and I made it to my car where tears flowed again. I ended up driving over to McDonald's to get something to drink and headed back for my appointment with Dr. Michel.
As soon as I sat down in the waiting room Dr. Michel came out to greet me. I was so glad not to have to see Kathy again. We went down the hallway to her office and she did have a chair waiting for me. We both chuckled about the couch the week before. We sat down and she apologized to me for not getting to talk to Anna until her lunch hour that day. She told me that she had to leave her a voice mail and it was her hope that they would be able to talk before she left on vacation the next day. She asked me how my session with Anna went and what we discussed. I showed her the list of questions that Anna gave me and told her that we mainly talked about my diets looking at any abuse that happened and that we were just getting into that when our time was up. Dr. Michel looked over Anna's questions and gave the go-ahead to work on that while she was out. She promised me that by the time she would see me again her and Anna would talk and be on the same page. That felt good.
Then she asked me about Kathy and as I started trying to tell her about it the floodgate of tears came all over again and I stopped and I told her that I was sorry. She told me not to apologize but to tell her what happened and so I told her all that I could before she stopped me and asked me the following question. "Can you go back to another time when you had these same feelings that you experienced today?" I thought for a second and then I told her when Mike would yell at me for not doing something like he wanted and or when he thought I was lying to him. She said "OK, Can you take it back to a further time than that?" I had to sit there for a minute and really think and then another circumstance came up where I felt the same way. I told her that it was several years ago shortly after Mark and I got married and I was doing Weight Watchers and we were at my brother's with my parents and he was grilling out hamburgers on the grill. I knew what they were planning for dinner and I planned what I could have for my meal within the boundaries of the Weight Watcher program at the time (this was before points). My brother came in and asked who all wanted cheese on their burger and I said that I did because I had planned for it. My mother went nuts getting after me about the cheese telling me that I didn't need it and I would lose weight faster if I didn't eat it and how you really don't taste it on a burger and how she wasn't going to do it and the list goes on. I remember getting my purse and telling Mark that we were leaving an we left and ended up at our favorite Mexican restaurant and how I over-ate and how I blew the program and then binged for the next 3-4 days eating everything I wanted.
Dr. Michel then stopped me and told me that it was a Mother's responsibility to teach us how to eat and I acknowledged that and it was hard not to want to guide a child even though they were an adult. She went on to tell me that it was a privilege to see Kathy and it was a privilege to see her and to get their help. She told me that they would never want to make me mad or hurt my feelings but to guide me into how to reach recovery. She told me that when those types of feelings came up again to remember that I as an adult have a choice to do what they say or not. To reach recovery or to not and it was a privilege to be able to work with them. I then realized just how much it is a privilege to work with them.
How lucky I am to have a husband who is supportive and willing to use his inheritance to help me and or work hard enough to make sure that we had the money to afford it because he knows that I need the help and he wants me to get it. I also realize that there are many people who can't afford this type of treatment and/or they don't know that it is available. At one time I didn't. Anyway, tears built up in my eyes again and Dr. Michel said to me "I see tears again but something tells me that they are happy tears" and I told her that they were because I have never been led to see a circumstance like this before. She then told me that she guessed that I feel my emotions pretty strongly and I told her unfortunately I do. She then encouraged me that when any emotion comes up to stop and think back to a time where I felt exactly how I was feeling in the moment and remember it and take it back and back till I couldn't take it back further and really see why I was feeling the way I was feeling and ask myself if it is a correct response to the situation. I was amazed. I told her how I was planning to leave her office and go and binge. I told her that I felt empowered to leave and get back on track. She was happy and so was I. It was amazing. The woman is brilliant and I am truly lucky that I found her. She told me that she was going to talk to Kathy and that she wanted me to tell Kathy about our session. I told her that I would. We set my next appointment for July 8. I know that is going to be a haul but at least I have Anna in the mean time. Thank God!
I left and I went and had a Quarter Pounder without cheese at McDonald's, no fries and a Diet coke. They have new Quarter Pounder's and you can get it now with lettuce, tomato and purple onion. It was hot and fresh and I really enjoyed it. I did have Mark bring home Luby's and I had a roasted chicken breast, green beans and new potatoes. It was a new start.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The Drug Dude Visit...
When I woke up this morning, I was positive that I had to leave the house by 9:00 to go up to the Woodlands to see Mark the drug dude. My new name for him since my husband's name is also Mark. I checked my appointment card and it said 2:30. I was so confused but was grateful because I originally got up at 4 and it was going on 7:00 and I had the sleepy's. I can't tell how how fast I fell back asleep. I think it was record time. I had 2 phone calls and 2 text messages and I slept through it all. I wasn't able to get Mark's lunch made so I was suppose to take him a lunch and now I didn't have time to do so. Thank heavens he is a understanding husband and he was very happy to just run out and get his own lunch.
I showered and dressed and headed for Mark's office. I took my Mindful Eating book to read but I didn't get too far before he came and called me back. As we were walking to his office he told me that he had a nurse sitting in with him and did I mind him sitting in on our appointment. I told Mark that I was o.k. with that. My life is such a open book why not one more person. I figured if I could help with some one's training then why not.
Mark started by reading his notes to me from my last visit which was in the middle of April before my parents came and during a time I really felt like I was progressing and I felt hopeful. No evidence of depression he read. My head just dropped and tears filled my eyes. As he got through I said to him "Can I go back there?" He just looked at me. I then said to him, "Do you want the truth or do you want what I can give you through a fake smile?" He told me "The truth".
I told him about all that has happened and how I was struggling. I told him everything up to what is going on now with seeing Dr. Michel (who he knows). I cried the whole time. I couldn't look at the nurse sitting in but I did notice that he stopped typing and was just listening and watching Mark and I. I told Mark that I so wanted to go back to 2010 when I was 280 lbs. and felt on top of the world. I told him that if that was all that I was ever going to get, I would be happy. I told him how unhappy I was now and he asked me "Have you had feelings or thoughts about hurting yourself? I told him, "Mark, I would never hurt myself but I have had feelings that I wish I would die. I assured him that i was not brave enough to take my life and he didn't need to worry about it." He typed like a mad man. Of course some of our conversation was how I took my meds some days and some days not. He told me that I needed to take the everyday and asked me to start taking them. He asked me how many did I have and I told him I really didn't know but that I knew I didn't have a 30 day supply. He told me that we would give me a new prescription. He also told me that I was working with some of the top people working in Eating Disorders and he knew that they would help me and get me where I needed to be. I asked him if he had heard from Dr. Michel and he said "No." I told him that I had signed a release for her to be able to talk to him. He didn't say anything. I asked him if I could see him sooner than 30 days to make sure that this depression goes away and that we didn't need to adjust anything and he said yes.
When I went to check out they made my appointment for 3 weeks from now. I got the date and time worked out and I left. I made it home and I rested and waited for Mark to come home. I wanted to go to a Mexican food place that we haven't been to in a long time...Molina's. Remember it? My favorite place in the whole world. He took me there. I had a great dinner and we talked and I cried but we got out of there before I lost it and I was grateful. We talked some on the way home but not a whole lot.
I have my 3 back to back appointments tomorrow with Anna, Kathy and Dr. Michel. I should be exhausted by the time I get home. I can't promise that I will write tomorrow night but I will write on Friday and let you all know how it goes. I have to close this now because I have some brainstorming to do for Anna.
Here are the questions...
Write down all the ways diets and diet leaders have been abusive to you.
What makes you the angriest about food?
What makes you angry about healthy eating?
What is the rebellion about?
Lots to do and it is late. I hope I can get it done.
Pray for me tomorrow!
I showered and dressed and headed for Mark's office. I took my Mindful Eating book to read but I didn't get too far before he came and called me back. As we were walking to his office he told me that he had a nurse sitting in with him and did I mind him sitting in on our appointment. I told Mark that I was o.k. with that. My life is such a open book why not one more person. I figured if I could help with some one's training then why not.
Mark started by reading his notes to me from my last visit which was in the middle of April before my parents came and during a time I really felt like I was progressing and I felt hopeful. No evidence of depression he read. My head just dropped and tears filled my eyes. As he got through I said to him "Can I go back there?" He just looked at me. I then said to him, "Do you want the truth or do you want what I can give you through a fake smile?" He told me "The truth".
I told him about all that has happened and how I was struggling. I told him everything up to what is going on now with seeing Dr. Michel (who he knows). I cried the whole time. I couldn't look at the nurse sitting in but I did notice that he stopped typing and was just listening and watching Mark and I. I told Mark that I so wanted to go back to 2010 when I was 280 lbs. and felt on top of the world. I told him that if that was all that I was ever going to get, I would be happy. I told him how unhappy I was now and he asked me "Have you had feelings or thoughts about hurting yourself? I told him, "Mark, I would never hurt myself but I have had feelings that I wish I would die. I assured him that i was not brave enough to take my life and he didn't need to worry about it." He typed like a mad man. Of course some of our conversation was how I took my meds some days and some days not. He told me that I needed to take the everyday and asked me to start taking them. He asked me how many did I have and I told him I really didn't know but that I knew I didn't have a 30 day supply. He told me that we would give me a new prescription. He also told me that I was working with some of the top people working in Eating Disorders and he knew that they would help me and get me where I needed to be. I asked him if he had heard from Dr. Michel and he said "No." I told him that I had signed a release for her to be able to talk to him. He didn't say anything. I asked him if I could see him sooner than 30 days to make sure that this depression goes away and that we didn't need to adjust anything and he said yes.
When I went to check out they made my appointment for 3 weeks from now. I got the date and time worked out and I left. I made it home and I rested and waited for Mark to come home. I wanted to go to a Mexican food place that we haven't been to in a long time...Molina's. Remember it? My favorite place in the whole world. He took me there. I had a great dinner and we talked and I cried but we got out of there before I lost it and I was grateful. We talked some on the way home but not a whole lot.
I have my 3 back to back appointments tomorrow with Anna, Kathy and Dr. Michel. I should be exhausted by the time I get home. I can't promise that I will write tomorrow night but I will write on Friday and let you all know how it goes. I have to close this now because I have some brainstorming to do for Anna.
Here are the questions...
Write down all the ways diets and diet leaders have been abusive to you.
What makes you the angriest about food?
What makes you angry about healthy eating?
What is the rebellion about?
Lots to do and it is late. I hope I can get it done.
Pray for me tomorrow!
What Did I Find Out Next?
As Kathy pushed me to make healthier choices my eating and tracking got worse and has remained bad. She didn't like me telling her that I didn't want to do it. I wanted to work on cooking at home and cooking from the list of "no recipe" meals that she had me make up. Anna was doing everything she could to try and make me see that healthier choices didn't mean diet but I just didn't want to start worrying about what to eat and not eat, to give up chips and have some fruit with my sandwich. That is dieting to me! Period! That was something else that I realized, that I really don't enjoy eating fruit. I did it because the points were low but I really don't love fruit. I've never been a diary person either so yogurt is another thing I don't enjoy and those were the two things that Kathy kept talking about. I just rebelled!
So, in the last couple of weeks Anna and I have talked about me digging my heels in and refusing to do something when asked to. I don't know for the life of me why I do it but I do. I talked to my parents about it and they said that I have been that way all my life. They actually told me that they wish now that they would have beat my butt or put me in the corner for the times that they told me to do something and I refused. I'm now seeing this trend all through my life. In relationships, in my career, everything! It is bad! It is also very sad.
The depression and the crying spells kept on happening as well. I was quickly getting where I couldn't live with myself. I wondered if this was the way to go. I wondered if I should go back to dieting. I wondered if I should get serious about surgery. It was a crazy roller coaster.
Since working with Kathy I have become aware of the NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) and the Center For Change that I found by following Jennifer Schaefer (Life Without Ed) on Facebook. About 2 weeks ago I was so low I started thinking that I needed to go to the Center For Change for their Stabilization Program. I would have gone to Orem, Utah and would have spent a week there in which the treatment would have been so intense I would be able to come out with my act together again. I also checked into some other Eating Disorder Clinics in the country. When I brought this all up with Kathy she told me that I wasn't at the point of needed that kind of help yet. She told me if I was binging 24-7 and couldn't stop then yes, they would be seriously talking to me about going. Kathy did say that she felt like I needed more intensive treatment but that I could do that here.
The Houston Eating Disorder Clinic has a group session on Saturdays on mindful eating and body acceptance. We checked into that and they are not offering it at the present time. Kathy told me that her and her colleague were going to be doing a mindful eating group and that maybe they could get it going sooner and that she would talk to her colleague about that. Kathy then told me that she felt like I needed to get some help with a Eating Disorder Specialist and recommended me to see Dr. Debra Michel the director of The Woodlands Eating Disorder Center and she recommended me seeing a colleague of hers that was in Tomball which is closer to my house. She gave me their information and websites to check out and I went home and did some talking with Mark and checking these two people out. I knew that this was going to be more money out of our pocket and I didn't know how Mark would feel about it all. I was shocked when he said that we would spend whatever it took to get me the help that I needed. We discovered that seeing Anna, Kathy and another psychologist was going to run us about $1,000 a month. Thank you Lord for our inheritance from Mark's sweet Mom. That is the only way that I'm even seeing Kathy. Kathy also seemed to think that I wouldn't have to do this long term but for a time to help get me along.
Well, I looked and read about these two women and I decided on Dr. Debra Michel. Kathy was pleased with my decision and luckily Dr. Michel was accepting new patients. Last week I met with her for the first time. We are presently working on my assessment. She will be working with Anna and Kathy to help me get myself together again. I really did like her. She has a lot of experience with eating disorders, has written books on the subject and has served on committees including the NEDA. I'm sure you can understand why I picked her. Plus, she started the Woodlands Eating Disorder Clinic which is how I found Kathy.
So, this brings you up to date. This morning I see Mark about my anti-depressants. I'm sure Dr. Michel has already talked to him so we will see if he will adjust them. I am depressed in spite of taking my drugs. Have I been good about it? No. I'm hit and miss with them. I'm hit and miss with everything lately. I am truly a mess. But I want to get better. I want to recover. I just need help.
Tomorrow I see Anna, then Kathy and then Dr. Michel, I hope my head can handled 3 sessions back to back. This is intensive. Oh and I nearly forgot. Dr. Michel has a colleague who is fixing to start a group that she wants me to be a part of. Whew. Let it all begin!
I'll post again Thursday after I see everyone. I covet your prayers and warm thoughts!
So, in the last couple of weeks Anna and I have talked about me digging my heels in and refusing to do something when asked to. I don't know for the life of me why I do it but I do. I talked to my parents about it and they said that I have been that way all my life. They actually told me that they wish now that they would have beat my butt or put me in the corner for the times that they told me to do something and I refused. I'm now seeing this trend all through my life. In relationships, in my career, everything! It is bad! It is also very sad.
The depression and the crying spells kept on happening as well. I was quickly getting where I couldn't live with myself. I wondered if this was the way to go. I wondered if I should go back to dieting. I wondered if I should get serious about surgery. It was a crazy roller coaster.
Since working with Kathy I have become aware of the NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) and the Center For Change that I found by following Jennifer Schaefer (Life Without Ed) on Facebook. About 2 weeks ago I was so low I started thinking that I needed to go to the Center For Change for their Stabilization Program. I would have gone to Orem, Utah and would have spent a week there in which the treatment would have been so intense I would be able to come out with my act together again. I also checked into some other Eating Disorder Clinics in the country. When I brought this all up with Kathy she told me that I wasn't at the point of needed that kind of help yet. She told me if I was binging 24-7 and couldn't stop then yes, they would be seriously talking to me about going. Kathy did say that she felt like I needed more intensive treatment but that I could do that here.
The Houston Eating Disorder Clinic has a group session on Saturdays on mindful eating and body acceptance. We checked into that and they are not offering it at the present time. Kathy told me that her and her colleague were going to be doing a mindful eating group and that maybe they could get it going sooner and that she would talk to her colleague about that. Kathy then told me that she felt like I needed to get some help with a Eating Disorder Specialist and recommended me to see Dr. Debra Michel the director of The Woodlands Eating Disorder Center and she recommended me seeing a colleague of hers that was in Tomball which is closer to my house. She gave me their information and websites to check out and I went home and did some talking with Mark and checking these two people out. I knew that this was going to be more money out of our pocket and I didn't know how Mark would feel about it all. I was shocked when he said that we would spend whatever it took to get me the help that I needed. We discovered that seeing Anna, Kathy and another psychologist was going to run us about $1,000 a month. Thank you Lord for our inheritance from Mark's sweet Mom. That is the only way that I'm even seeing Kathy. Kathy also seemed to think that I wouldn't have to do this long term but for a time to help get me along.
Well, I looked and read about these two women and I decided on Dr. Debra Michel. Kathy was pleased with my decision and luckily Dr. Michel was accepting new patients. Last week I met with her for the first time. We are presently working on my assessment. She will be working with Anna and Kathy to help me get myself together again. I really did like her. She has a lot of experience with eating disorders, has written books on the subject and has served on committees including the NEDA. I'm sure you can understand why I picked her. Plus, she started the Woodlands Eating Disorder Clinic which is how I found Kathy.
So, this brings you up to date. This morning I see Mark about my anti-depressants. I'm sure Dr. Michel has already talked to him so we will see if he will adjust them. I am depressed in spite of taking my drugs. Have I been good about it? No. I'm hit and miss with them. I'm hit and miss with everything lately. I am truly a mess. But I want to get better. I want to recover. I just need help.
Tomorrow I see Anna, then Kathy and then Dr. Michel, I hope my head can handled 3 sessions back to back. This is intensive. Oh and I nearly forgot. Dr. Michel has a colleague who is fixing to start a group that she wants me to be a part of. Whew. Let it all begin!
I'll post again Thursday after I see everyone. I covet your prayers and warm thoughts!
Monday, June 17, 2013
So What Has Been Going On Since Then?
After my parents went back home I had my Remicade treatment which included a visit with my Rheumatologist and finally getting the results of my knee x-rays. Well, it wasn't good news. I have arthritis in all 3 compartments of the knee. Both of them. The weird thing is the right knee hurts the worse but the left knee is the worse. The left knee doesn't even give me grief! She told me that I was headed for a double knee replacement. I about flipped out! I asked her about doing the Synvisc injections and she said that we could try them and see how I did. I told her that I had to do something because it was becoming impossible for me to drive. She could not inject the knees that day because she said that insurance will not pay for treatment of a 2nd diagnosis. Welcome to the beginning of the flippin O'Bama care! She told me that I would have to come back the next week. So I scheduled my appointment and went and got my Remicade treatment.
Needless to say this slapped me right up the side of the face. I can remember when Mark had his knee replacement telling his surgery that I didn't have any knee problems. No wonder he was quiet. He knew that it was coming. For some dumb reason I figured that because I am so in-active that I would miss having bad knees. Oh no! Over night they start hurting and I'm bone on bone in all 3 compartments headed for knee replacement surgery. And get this my Rheumatologist told me that there are surgeons who would do the surgery at my size. No way am I going to take that risk.
So since then I have struggled with my eating. Not binging but not recording my food, eating out a lot, not eating mindfully, not eating on schedule. I have been a day here and a day there and every week Anna and Kathy have heard my woes about my weight. I really flipped out one day when Kathy told me that I needed to start making some healthier choices. That flipped me out. When she said it, I told myself "I knew the diet would come!". I was pissed! I really rebelled! Another thing that was going on was we were working on Susan Albers "Mindful Eating" book and workbook and that workbook was kicking my butt. It was showing all kinds of things wrong with me. Things that I never ever thought about. I could see where some improvements have been made but more than anything I could see just how bad my self-confidence was. It is really bad. In the workbook there was a 14 question self assessment based on your self confidence level and there was only one that I could leave unchecked. The others were huge issues in my life.
This sent me on a emotional roller-coaster ride. You would have thought I was not taking any anti-depressants. I would be o.k. one minute and losing it the next. I remember one morning as I was finishing up Mark's lunch I just lost it standing in the kitchen and I just grabbed my face and laid on the counter crying that I couldn't take it anymore. Mark didn't know what to thing. I just bawled my eyes out and emptied my heart out to him. I felt like a worthless piece of crap. I felt like I was and always had been a huge burden on him and I did not know how he could even stand living with me much less stay married to me. He just held me in his arms and told me that I was going to be o.k. and that we would get through this. He told me that he wanted me to get well and we would get me there. I knew he had to get to work so I held things together till he left and I spent the day crying my eyes out. I felt so alone. No friends, no one to talk to, no one to understand, it was the loneliest place that I have ever been. I never want to go back to that day. I truly feel that I hit rock bottom.
As days went on I was just on a emotional roller coaster. Kathy and I weren't getting along very well and Anna was working her butt off to help me. Kathy finally found some compassion and backed off and started try to help stabilize me and encourage me to get back on track. All I heard her say (in my mind) was "diet" and I was so confused because I had worked so hard to get rid of the diet mentality and worked hard on accepting that there were no bad foods even though there were times of struggle with that.
Days turned into weeks and my eyes started opening up to another side of me. With no self confidence I didn't like what I was beginning to see either. You'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out what happens next. I would finish but it is late and I have Remicade in the morning. If I can stay awake when I get home tomorrow afternoon I'll finish the story and have you all up to date.
Some of you have written the sweetest emails checking on me and you are right when things get real bad I can't write. I'm a mess. So with this journey as hard as it is going to be bear with me. I will never not come out here and no fill you in. Besides, who knows when I get to recovery, I may write a book. I'll will need all these notes.
Thanks for hanging in there with me You all mean the world to me. Thanks for coming back again and again to see if I've written. I promise I will try really hard not to let so much time go by. These last two things have been tough ones.
Much love!
Laura
Needless to say this slapped me right up the side of the face. I can remember when Mark had his knee replacement telling his surgery that I didn't have any knee problems. No wonder he was quiet. He knew that it was coming. For some dumb reason I figured that because I am so in-active that I would miss having bad knees. Oh no! Over night they start hurting and I'm bone on bone in all 3 compartments headed for knee replacement surgery. And get this my Rheumatologist told me that there are surgeons who would do the surgery at my size. No way am I going to take that risk.
So since then I have struggled with my eating. Not binging but not recording my food, eating out a lot, not eating mindfully, not eating on schedule. I have been a day here and a day there and every week Anna and Kathy have heard my woes about my weight. I really flipped out one day when Kathy told me that I needed to start making some healthier choices. That flipped me out. When she said it, I told myself "I knew the diet would come!". I was pissed! I really rebelled! Another thing that was going on was we were working on Susan Albers "Mindful Eating" book and workbook and that workbook was kicking my butt. It was showing all kinds of things wrong with me. Things that I never ever thought about. I could see where some improvements have been made but more than anything I could see just how bad my self-confidence was. It is really bad. In the workbook there was a 14 question self assessment based on your self confidence level and there was only one that I could leave unchecked. The others were huge issues in my life.
This sent me on a emotional roller-coaster ride. You would have thought I was not taking any anti-depressants. I would be o.k. one minute and losing it the next. I remember one morning as I was finishing up Mark's lunch I just lost it standing in the kitchen and I just grabbed my face and laid on the counter crying that I couldn't take it anymore. Mark didn't know what to thing. I just bawled my eyes out and emptied my heart out to him. I felt like a worthless piece of crap. I felt like I was and always had been a huge burden on him and I did not know how he could even stand living with me much less stay married to me. He just held me in his arms and told me that I was going to be o.k. and that we would get through this. He told me that he wanted me to get well and we would get me there. I knew he had to get to work so I held things together till he left and I spent the day crying my eyes out. I felt so alone. No friends, no one to talk to, no one to understand, it was the loneliest place that I have ever been. I never want to go back to that day. I truly feel that I hit rock bottom.
As days went on I was just on a emotional roller coaster. Kathy and I weren't getting along very well and Anna was working her butt off to help me. Kathy finally found some compassion and backed off and started try to help stabilize me and encourage me to get back on track. All I heard her say (in my mind) was "diet" and I was so confused because I had worked so hard to get rid of the diet mentality and worked hard on accepting that there were no bad foods even though there were times of struggle with that.
Days turned into weeks and my eyes started opening up to another side of me. With no self confidence I didn't like what I was beginning to see either. You'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out what happens next. I would finish but it is late and I have Remicade in the morning. If I can stay awake when I get home tomorrow afternoon I'll finish the story and have you all up to date.
Some of you have written the sweetest emails checking on me and you are right when things get real bad I can't write. I'm a mess. So with this journey as hard as it is going to be bear with me. I will never not come out here and no fill you in. Besides, who knows when I get to recovery, I may write a book. I'll will need all these notes.
Thanks for hanging in there with me You all mean the world to me. Thanks for coming back again and again to see if I've written. I promise I will try really hard not to let so much time go by. These last two things have been tough ones.
Much love!
Laura
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