I have so much to write. A very long emotional day. I've cried so much I can't see the computer screen I'm going to go to bed in hopes that tomorrow I can see clearly. Got some bad news about my little Ernie cat. More tests. Pray for him and me. I do have the maids coming around noon. I know I will start writing in the morning but most likely not have anything up till the afternoon. Expect a long post!
My first stop today was going to see Anna. I did not get my homework done. After I wrote yesterday's blog I was just too tired to get going and my plan was to wake up early today and get it done. I hated going without nothing. I thought the questions were great and I really did want to explore them. Anna decided to take the first question on listing all the ways that diets/diet leaders have been abusive to me, so we started at the beginning. Anna was very interested in how I got down to 128 lbs in high school, she was real concerned about my weight being too low until I told her what my measurements were. She was impressed. I was too, remembering the days, some of the happiest in my life because back in the early 70's it was more about being 36-24-36 and I had nailed it except my bust which was a 32. Always been heavy in the butt! We didn't get much further than that when our time was up and we will finish up next week.
My second stop was to see Kathy. OMG! It was the worse visit I have ever had with her. First she made me so mad she made me cry and then she made me feel like I was the scum of the earth and I couldn't quit crying. She never one time offered me a Kleenex or anything. She just kept yacking her nonsense at me. I really don't remember every single thing that she said to me but there was no doubt that she was either mad at me or totally frustrated with me. The conversation started out about me using my phone App Recovery Record. In the beginning I used it faithfully but over the last month or so (ever since the bad binge) I have been hit and miss, a lot of back filling or days of recording nothing. Well you know how it is with any diet that we have all been on, when we are doing great we want to show off the good job we are doing, but when we are bad we don't want anyone to know It didn't help that last week as my birthday and Mark got me 2 cakes. My choice of course, I'll admit it but they were only 1/8 of a cake. Not big but big enough to do some damage and who wants to record when you eat 2 pieces a day? Duh! Well, when she pulled up my record before calling me back and saw that I had recorded nothing and for the several weeks before hit or miss she blew a gasket. I guess the thing that made me so mad is that she treated me like I didn't know what I was doing! I knew better than to open my mouth for defense or anything while she went off. If she asked me something I tried hard to answer her through tears. I felt so bad and so small. I felt like a child and I'm telling you no one has the right to make you feel that way.
At the time I didn't know what to do, if it happens again I think I will stand up and tell her to stop and we will talk about it like two adults but I'm not a child even though she my think my behavior is. Well all I can say is I do have a eating disorder and this is exactly one of the things that goes on with it so lets be encouraging and move on. Not with her!
She also gave me a stern talking to about the goals we had set for the week and that was for me to cook and she asked me if I had and I told her "No." So I got a lecture about doing my goals. Well hell, it was my birthday week and we went out with friends, I did get a new car so we wanted to go riding and we wanted to go out. It was just not a good week but she couldn't see it. Then I got the lecture that she couldn't help me if I didn't give her something to work with and you know I am an adult and I do realize it and I also realize that I walk through that door week after week and pay her $80.00 for my 45 minute session. So, what is she worried about? I know...it IS her job to help me and to teach me but damn it was not a good week and had not been a good month.
The other thing that happened in the beginning before she got so heated I told her that I had just saw Mark Lejsek and I had told him that I had been hit and miss on my drugs. I think that is what really blew her cork. You all know me well enough this is a ongoing issue of mine and I need to work on it I know full well what it does to me and I for sure don't need it explained to me. Even Mark didn't cut lose on me but told me to get back on the meds and he wanted to see me in 3 weeks to make sure that we didn't need to make any adjustments since I was going to be doing such extensive work on the Eating Disorder. He also assured me that I had great team with Anna, Kathy and Dr. Michel. She told me that I would never reach recovery messing with my meds and that she and Dr. Michel needed me as stable as I could be in order to help treat me.
She knew that I was going to see Dr. Michel next and that I had about a 30 minute wait and she knew that I needed to eat. She asked me what my plans were and I told her that I didn't know. I told her that if I tried to eat right now that I would just throw it up. I would have too. I hadn't been that upset in a very long time. She went ahead and talked to me about places across the street. There was McDonald's, a Bagel Sandwich Shop and a Subway. She also at least confirmed that I wasn't about to cook every night and that there was still going to be some eat outs and she gave me suggestions as to what to do like stay away from french fries, I could have a hamburger without cheese, chicken and so on. She is wanting me to watch my sodium since I retain so much fluid. By this time I have to admit that I was half listening to her because I was fighting so hard not to Boo Hoo. I just wanted to get out of there and I was hoping for no one to be in the waiting room and be able to make it to the bathroom and to my car without running into anyone.
We booked my appointment for the same time next week and I left. I went to the bathroom and luckily no one was there so I could softly cry. When I got through releasing that stress and the tears I went and washed my face off and as I was going out of the bathroom Kathy was coming in and she muttered, I wasn't expecting you and I gave her a fake chuckle and I opened up the door and headed out when she told me to have a nice weekend. I said nothing, I still couldn't get any words to come out. I just went a pushed the button for the elevator and I made it to my car where tears flowed again. I ended up driving over to McDonald's to get something to drink and headed back for my appointment with Dr. Michel.
As soon as I sat down in the waiting room Dr. Michel came out to greet me. I was so glad not to have to see Kathy again. We went down the hallway to her office and she did have a chair waiting for me. We both chuckled about the couch the week before. We sat down and she apologized to me for not getting to talk to Anna until her lunch hour that day. She told me that she had to leave her a voice mail and it was her hope that they would be able to talk before she left on vacation the next day. She asked me how my session with Anna went and what we discussed. I showed her the list of questions that Anna gave me and told her that we mainly talked about my diets looking at any abuse that happened and that we were just getting into that when our time was up. Dr. Michel looked over Anna's questions and gave the go-ahead to work on that while she was out. She promised me that by the time she would see me again her and Anna would talk and be on the same page. That felt good.
Then she asked me about Kathy and as I started trying to tell her about it the floodgate of tears came all over again and I stopped and I told her that I was sorry. She told me not to apologize but to tell her what happened and so I told her all that I could before she stopped me and asked me the following question. "Can you go back to another time when you had these same feelings that you experienced today?" I thought for a second and then I told her when Mike would yell at me for not doing something like he wanted and or when he thought I was lying to him. She said "OK, Can you take it back to a further time than that?" I had to sit there for a minute and really think and then another circumstance came up where I felt the same way. I told her that it was several years ago shortly after Mark and I got married and I was doing Weight Watchers and we were at my brother's with my parents and he was grilling out hamburgers on the grill. I knew what they were planning for dinner and I planned what I could have for my meal within the boundaries of the Weight Watcher program at the time (this was before points). My brother came in and asked who all wanted cheese on their burger and I said that I did because I had planned for it. My mother went nuts getting after me about the cheese telling me that I didn't need it and I would lose weight faster if I didn't eat it and how you really don't taste it on a burger and how she wasn't going to do it and the list goes on. I remember getting my purse and telling Mark that we were leaving an we left and ended up at our favorite Mexican restaurant and how I over-ate and how I blew the program and then binged for the next 3-4 days eating everything I wanted.
Dr. Michel then stopped me and told me that it was a Mother's responsibility to teach us how to eat and I acknowledged that and it was hard not to want to guide a child even though they were an adult. She went on to tell me that it was a privilege to see Kathy and it was a privilege to see her and to get their help. She told me that they would never want to make me mad or hurt my feelings but to guide me into how to reach recovery. She told me that when those types of feelings came up again to remember that I as an adult have a choice to do what they say or not. To reach recovery or to not and it was a privilege to be able to work with them. I then realized just how much it is a privilege to work with them.
How lucky I am to have a husband who is supportive and willing to use his inheritance to help me and or work hard enough to make sure that we had the money to afford it because he knows that I need the help and he wants me to get it. I also realize that there are many people who can't afford this type of treatment and/or they don't know that it is available. At one time I didn't. Anyway, tears built up in my eyes again and Dr. Michel said to me "I see tears again but something tells me that they are happy tears" and I told her that they were because I have never been led to see a circumstance like this before. She then told me that she guessed that I feel my emotions pretty strongly and I told her unfortunately I do. She then encouraged me that when any emotion comes up to stop and think back to a time where I felt exactly how I was feeling in the moment and remember it and take it back and back till I couldn't take it back further and really see why I was feeling the way I was feeling and ask myself if it is a correct response to the situation. I was amazed. I told her how I was planning to leave her office and go and binge. I told her that I felt empowered to leave and get back on track. She was happy and so was I. It was amazing. The woman is brilliant and I am truly lucky that I found her. She told me that she was going to talk to Kathy and that she wanted me to tell Kathy about our session. I told her that I would. We set my next appointment for July 8. I know that is going to be a haul but at least I have Anna in the mean time. Thank God!
I left and I went and had a Quarter Pounder without cheese at McDonald's, no fries and a Diet coke. They have new Quarter Pounder's and you can get it now with lettuce, tomato and purple onion. It was hot and fresh and I really enjoyed it. I did have Mark bring home Luby's and I had a roasted chicken breast, green beans and new potatoes. It was a new start.
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