Dealing with this low B-12 and Ferratin level and a insurance company who will not approve the iron IV that will correct the Ferratin...I'm just starting to feel lost! Let me explain. Last Friday I went in to see my Oncologist about this issue and to talk to her about the run around that I felt that I was getting from her staff. First the stuff about the staff blew up in my face. Of course she took their side but she said something that I knew might be becoming a problem with this new O'Bama Health Care Plan but I never thought that I would hear from one of my Dr.'s the following: "Laura, you have nothing to give back to society so this new health care plan would rather you be dead than spend any money on you! You are going to see more things denied when all of this goes into effect!" I was kinda shocked, kinda not! I had been reading that the older you get the less they are going to pay but I never thought I would hear it put exactly this way! I nevertheless started crying and told her that I knew how to end a life and we had a few other things to say which I can't recall. I made it out of her office and to my car before I just totally lost it. All I could think about was binging. I called Kathy crying and told her what was going on. My team has been very supportive while we try and get this resolved with the insurance company. She talked to me for a while and got me back to thinking with a clear head about binging and I didn't do it. I still felt like crap and I did make it home, had some lunch and took a nap.
Over the last month, my neighbor Rae has been sucking me dry, keeping up late at night talking about this man that she has been seeing. To sum it all up in a nutshell, she needs to grow up and realize that relationships at 56 are not like they were when you are 16, you don't sleep with someone after after 3 dinner dates, phone calls and texting over 6 weeks and then wonder why the relationship changes. Bottom line last Thursday night was the last night that woman is ever going to get a minute of my time! I'm done! I don't need the drama and I don't need things thrown up in my face. Is that a friend? NO! DONE!
So, yesterday was Remicade and today I slept a lot, tomorrow I'm seeing Anna and Kathy and I haven't followed my food plan nor have I recorded a morsel of food that has gone down my throat. Sitting here tonight eating M&M's mindlessly and seeing how long it has been since I've written on this blog I'm sick of it all. It is only within my own power that I can say enough and turn it all around and I'm going to do it period! I want to experience 23 lbs in 27 days again. It was sweet. I felt like a million dollars and I want to feel that again!!!!
The Ferratin and B-12? I've started the B-12 injections and I'm waiting for the insurance again. If it gets denied again we are going to pay for it out of our own pocket. It has been 10 years since I've needed it so it is worth paying $550 to get my energy back which will help my mood and my eating and getting back to what I need to do! The Dr. will have to approve me paying for it!
So, tomorrow night I will write about how my meeting with Kathy goes, my follow-up with the insurance and my getting back to MINDFULNESS!
Thanks for letting me vent! You all are the best!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
What Can I Say?
Boy have I ever left you all out in the Abyss! It wasn't my intention, it just happened. I guess it was suppose to be this way.
Mark's party went great and everyone had a great time. Stacey and I surprised him with a evening cruise on Galveston Bay on a private sail boat and we all had so much fun and we want to do it again! It was a trip getting me up on the boat and getting me off but Stacey, Mark and the Owner were patient and helpful. Me? Totally embarrassed and just wanted to cry, but once the boat started moving I felt such freedom. I love the water!
I started struggling about what to write in regards to my therapy and my recovery. It has gotten so intense and every session with Dr. Michel, Stacy and Kathy has just made my head spin. I was walking away not knowing what hit me. Confused. Bewildered. Sometimes Angry. Most of the time in tears. I just couldn't remember enough to be able to tell you all much about any thing. I have a friend who reads this blog and we talked on the phone about how I was feeling about writing and she confirmed what I needed to do is write about is what is going on with me and not write what the therapists are saying and doing. I guess when this first started this I felt like I could write about my sessions and hopefully it would help someone who couldn't afford this type of treatment because it is so expensive. $1500.00 a month! It is a true commitment, and Mark and I are in it for whatever it takes. This is life or death.
About half-way through my Mindful Eating group I found that Susan Albers had a set of CD's called "Mindful Appetite" which was the greatest thing that I have purchased so far. The CD's she explains Mindful Eating and she actually walks you through some exercises that you do along with her. Since I only listened to the CD's in my car going and coming to therapy I could only imagine doing the exercises with her but it worked and sunk into my brain. I did learn a lot in group too. What helped me the most in group was all the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills that Stacy taught us which helps you be more mindful in all aspects of your life not just eating. They had more impact on me than I thought that they would. DBT is a huge part of treating Binge Eating Disorder.
About the middle of September I thought I had some cellulitus develop in my right food and I contacted Kathy because I needed to miss my next appointment in order to see my infectious disease Dr. Well, she contacted Dr. Michel and since my weight was up to 427 lbs they decided that it was time to put me into a treatment center. Dr. Michel contacted the CEO of BEDA and they spent the weekend looking at which treatment center would be good for me. Well they haven't said for sure but they talk a lot about one in Chicago. This was also at the same time that Mark was in the process of changing jobs. At his birthday party he heard of a opening and he pursued it and he is happy as a lark in his new position. It was crazy scarey for me. Our insurance was going to switch to Cobra for a couple of months and all I could think of was what kind of headache would that be in trying to get it all approved as well as if I didn't get released by the time the new insurance kicked in they would have to get the new one to approve. It all just freaked me out. I wasn't ready and I can only tell you that it scared me straight!
In the next 30 days I lost 27 lbs. Just eating mindfully. Just eating at the table and not in front of the TV. Preparing easy meals at home with Mark's help. We did it and the success was sweet. I was really on a roll and then life happened. I got sick and started feeling like I had no energy, didn't feel like moving and just wanted to sleep.. My sleeping patterns got off and I was cat napping 24 hours a day. I had an appointment with my Oncologist and I have a low Ferratin level and low B-12. We have been fighting with my insurance for the last 2 weeks trying to get the iron IV approved but so far no luck. Hopefully this week my luck will change and we will be able to get this going. Otherwise, I'm just sleeping a lot!
I have been having a hard time doing anything right over the last couple of weeks. Fear is starting to come back to the fact that they can pull the string to send me away. I've been open and honest with my feelings that I feel that I am slipping backwards but they are assuring me that it's only because I have so much going on medically. I sure hope so.
So, I will get out here and sharing my feelings more. I'm not going to try and give a play by play of my sessions, it has just become too hard. I hope you all understand.
Here is my new mantra:
"Life itself is the proper binge" - Julia Childs
Binge on Life! It's worth it!
Mark's party went great and everyone had a great time. Stacey and I surprised him with a evening cruise on Galveston Bay on a private sail boat and we all had so much fun and we want to do it again! It was a trip getting me up on the boat and getting me off but Stacey, Mark and the Owner were patient and helpful. Me? Totally embarrassed and just wanted to cry, but once the boat started moving I felt such freedom. I love the water!
I started struggling about what to write in regards to my therapy and my recovery. It has gotten so intense and every session with Dr. Michel, Stacy and Kathy has just made my head spin. I was walking away not knowing what hit me. Confused. Bewildered. Sometimes Angry. Most of the time in tears. I just couldn't remember enough to be able to tell you all much about any thing. I have a friend who reads this blog and we talked on the phone about how I was feeling about writing and she confirmed what I needed to do is write about is what is going on with me and not write what the therapists are saying and doing. I guess when this first started this I felt like I could write about my sessions and hopefully it would help someone who couldn't afford this type of treatment because it is so expensive. $1500.00 a month! It is a true commitment, and Mark and I are in it for whatever it takes. This is life or death.
About half-way through my Mindful Eating group I found that Susan Albers had a set of CD's called "Mindful Appetite" which was the greatest thing that I have purchased so far. The CD's she explains Mindful Eating and she actually walks you through some exercises that you do along with her. Since I only listened to the CD's in my car going and coming to therapy I could only imagine doing the exercises with her but it worked and sunk into my brain. I did learn a lot in group too. What helped me the most in group was all the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills that Stacy taught us which helps you be more mindful in all aspects of your life not just eating. They had more impact on me than I thought that they would. DBT is a huge part of treating Binge Eating Disorder.
About the middle of September I thought I had some cellulitus develop in my right food and I contacted Kathy because I needed to miss my next appointment in order to see my infectious disease Dr. Well, she contacted Dr. Michel and since my weight was up to 427 lbs they decided that it was time to put me into a treatment center. Dr. Michel contacted the CEO of BEDA and they spent the weekend looking at which treatment center would be good for me. Well they haven't said for sure but they talk a lot about one in Chicago. This was also at the same time that Mark was in the process of changing jobs. At his birthday party he heard of a opening and he pursued it and he is happy as a lark in his new position. It was crazy scarey for me. Our insurance was going to switch to Cobra for a couple of months and all I could think of was what kind of headache would that be in trying to get it all approved as well as if I didn't get released by the time the new insurance kicked in they would have to get the new one to approve. It all just freaked me out. I wasn't ready and I can only tell you that it scared me straight!
In the next 30 days I lost 27 lbs. Just eating mindfully. Just eating at the table and not in front of the TV. Preparing easy meals at home with Mark's help. We did it and the success was sweet. I was really on a roll and then life happened. I got sick and started feeling like I had no energy, didn't feel like moving and just wanted to sleep.. My sleeping patterns got off and I was cat napping 24 hours a day. I had an appointment with my Oncologist and I have a low Ferratin level and low B-12. We have been fighting with my insurance for the last 2 weeks trying to get the iron IV approved but so far no luck. Hopefully this week my luck will change and we will be able to get this going. Otherwise, I'm just sleeping a lot!
I have been having a hard time doing anything right over the last couple of weeks. Fear is starting to come back to the fact that they can pull the string to send me away. I've been open and honest with my feelings that I feel that I am slipping backwards but they are assuring me that it's only because I have so much going on medically. I sure hope so.
So, I will get out here and sharing my feelings more. I'm not going to try and give a play by play of my sessions, it has just become too hard. I hope you all understand.
Here is my new mantra:
"Life itself is the proper binge" - Julia Childs
Binge on Life! It's worth it!
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