What Can I Say?

Boy have I ever left you all out in the Abyss!  It wasn't my intention, it just happened.  I guess it was suppose to be this way.

Mark's party went great and everyone had a great time.  Stacey and I surprised him with a evening cruise on Galveston Bay on a private sail boat and we all had so much fun and we want to do it again!  It was a trip getting me up on the boat and getting me off but Stacey, Mark and the Owner were patient and helpful.  Me?  Totally embarrassed and just wanted to cry, but once the boat started moving I felt such freedom.  I love the water!

I started struggling about what to write in regards to my therapy and my recovery.  It has gotten so intense and every session with Dr. Michel, Stacy and Kathy has just made my head spin.  I was walking away not knowing what hit me.  Confused.  Bewildered.  Sometimes Angry.  Most of the time in tears.  I just couldn't remember enough to be able to tell you all much about any thing.  I have  a friend who reads this blog and we talked on the phone about how I was feeling about writing and she confirmed what I needed to do is write about is what is going on with me and not write what the therapists are saying and doing.  I guess when this first started this I felt like I could write about my sessions and hopefully it would help someone who couldn't afford this type of treatment because it is so expensive.  $1500.00 a month!  It is a true commitment, and Mark and I are in it for whatever it takes.  This is life or death.

About half-way through my Mindful Eating group I found that Susan Albers had a set of CD's called "Mindful Appetite" which was the greatest thing that I have purchased so far.  The CD's she explains Mindful Eating and she actually walks you through some exercises that you do along with her.  Since I only listened to the CD's in my car going and coming to therapy I could only imagine doing the exercises with her but it worked and sunk into my brain.  I did learn a lot in group too.  What helped me the most in group was all the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills that Stacy taught us which helps you be more mindful in all aspects of your life not just eating.  They had more impact on me than I thought that they would.  DBT is a huge part of treating Binge Eating Disorder.

About the middle of September I thought I had some cellulitus develop in my right food and I contacted Kathy because I needed to miss my next appointment in order to see my infectious disease Dr.  Well, she contacted Dr. Michel and since my weight was up to 427 lbs they decided that it was time to put me into a treatment center.  Dr. Michel contacted the CEO of BEDA and they spent the weekend looking at which treatment center would be good for me.  Well they haven't said for sure but they talk a lot about one in Chicago.  This was also at the same time that Mark was in the process of changing jobs.  At his birthday party he heard of a opening and he pursued it and he is happy as a lark in his new position.  It was crazy scarey for me.  Our insurance was going to switch to Cobra for a couple of months and all I could think of was what kind of headache would that be in trying to get it all approved as well as if I didn't get released by the time the new insurance kicked in they would have to get the new one to approve.  It all just freaked me out.  I wasn't ready and I can only tell you that it scared me straight!

In the next 30 days I lost 27 lbs.  Just eating mindfully.  Just eating at the table and not in front of the TV.  Preparing easy meals at home with Mark's help.  We did it and the success was sweet.  I was really on a roll and then life happened.  I got sick and started feeling like I had no energy, didn't feel like moving and just wanted to sleep..  My sleeping patterns got off and I was cat napping 24 hours a day.  I had an appointment with my Oncologist and I have a low Ferratin level and low B-12.  We have been fighting with my insurance for the last 2 weeks trying to get the iron IV approved but so far no luck.  Hopefully this week my luck will change and we will be able to get this going.  Otherwise, I'm just sleeping a lot!

I have been having a hard time doing anything right over the last couple of weeks.  Fear is starting to come back to the fact that they can pull the string to send me away.  I've been open and honest with my feelings that I feel that I am slipping backwards but they are assuring me that it's only because I have so much going on medically.  I sure hope so.

So, I will get out here and sharing my feelings more.  I'm not going to try and give a play by play of my sessions, it has just become too hard.  I hope you all understand.

Here is my new mantra:

"Life itself is the proper binge" - Julia Childs

Binge on Life!  It's worth it!