Well I can say that with all honesty! I wanted intensive therapy and boy am I ever getting it. My head will not stop spinning and most days I don't know which end is up. I getting hit from every end and I feel at times that I can't breathe! The break through that I just wrote about has turned into another and another and at the same time answers in how to deal with them. This treatment is very different than any that I have been involved in. It's like I have a break through and at them same time I'm being told how to deal with it. It is like Pow! Pow! Pow! No Kidding!
I feel so bad not getting out here and writing as fast as I can all that is going on but the truth is I'm usually sitting wondering about what is going to happen next. Half the time I'm not sure that I can make any sense out of my feelings. Not sure if I can put it all into words. Have you ever felt that way?
I have Kathy hitting me with the food journals which I'm struggling with. Last night at group Kathy led our session and it was great but I walked away confused. Later it all came together. I feel guilty not being able to feel true hunger, I feel guilty about what I eat, so when I feel guilty I don't want to record, I'm suppose to be not eating at the places that we have made a habit but I'm still doing it so that makes me not want to record too. I make bad choices same thing...GUILT. I'm not cooking...GUILT. I'm not sure if I'm eating mindfully and wonder if I'm eating too much since I don't feel like I'm losing...GUILT! Every where in the food department I'm feeling GUILT!!!!! So much to learn. We talked about 7 types of hunger last night in group. Can you believe that there are 7 types of hunger? There are! I was surprised. There are seven ways to deal with it and seven ways to tell if you are truly hungry. There were some technical terms that I need to look up and read about more. Homeostasis is one of them. Did they talk about this stuff at Weight Watchers? Not only No! But Hell No! It may have done some good if they had! Starting to understand why Kathy can't stand them! They are awful for people who have eating disorders. I'm starting to see it! I truly am. Can y'all remember me eating 3 Lean Cuisines to get my points in? How about a bag dinner from Stouffer's to get them in? Was that smart? Hell No! It was too much freaking food. No wonder my weight did all kinds of funky things! Weight Watchers did not care what I ate as long as I got my points in. I don't mean to pick on Weight Watchers but after doing it for 8 years and ending up where I am now learning what I am now, I'm pissed! I think that Weight Watchers is good for someone who doesn't have a lot to lose but people like me who have more than 100 lbs to lose it is awful. There are too many points! Period! End of subject!
I'm sorry to go off like that because I don't know how many people who find this blog and/or read this blog do Weight Watchers. I'm sure I need to give some thought to other diets that I have done and go off on them as well. The problem is that society has really gotten us out of tune with true hunger and being content in how much we eat. I have so much to undo!
In our marriage counseling I'm finding that I'm not doing enough. I have been trying to tell Anna for the past couple of years that I'm lazy. She laughs me off. The fact is I am. I am either trying to do too much and wear myself out or I do nothing. So...we are working on me doing 2 things a day one of which is cooking dinner. The other is something that needs to be done for the household like washing a load of clothes and/or unloading the dishwasher. You heard me I'm so lazy that I will sit on my butt and will not wash clothes or unload the dishwasher. I wait till Mark does it. He gets my diet cokes, he brings me my meals, he does whatever I ask and he is worn out. Now how would that make you feel? Awful!!!! So we are working on that.
I'm finding out that ED has friends and I haven't recognized them. Mrs. Procrastination is one but Dr. Michel told me on Monday that he has many friends and I need to be on the look out for them. They all work with ED and they are furious because they know I want to get well and I want to recover and they are mad and they are ready to fight for my failure. Great!
You know, as I sit here and write about all of this I really sound like a crazy person. But trust me I'm not I just have a Eating Disorder which is Binge Eating. A few times in the last couple of weeks I've wondered if I was going into a different disorder Bulimia because I have purged a couple of times. Dr. Michel has pretty much scared the pants off me about purging and I was shocked what all purging does. It really messes the body up more than it get rids of calories. When I lapse and binge I will just hurt. However the goal is not to binge. I have so much to learn.
I have found something good and it is Susan Albers Mindful Appetite CD. I have been listening to them non-stop back and forth to therapy and group my 4 times a week. It is making so much sense and I'm hoping that getting to work with the exercises on Mindful Eating that it will help in all the GUILT that I'm feeling in and around food.
So...there is my update. I will try and write more but understand at times I get lost in pain and I get lost in realizing all the things that have caused this eating disorder. You all know that I am a fighter and I will fight. I will not give up but I will admit that this is the first time that hiding in a corner for a little bit feels good. I want to recover. I don't want food or eating rob me of life.
This came up on my Recovery Record the other day. It brought tears to my eyes:
H.O.P.E. Hold On, Pain Ends.
It better! This is hard!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A Breakthrough....
This is later than I wanted to be but my mind has been spinning since I left Dr. Michel's office Monday morning. It still is.
Really before I tell you what happened I keep asking myself "How did Anna miss this one?" As much as we have talked about my childhood and things said about my parents and what they said to me as a child, how did she miss this?
This past weekend my neighbor Rae and I went to lunch and later that night she came over and we all watched a movie. She made a comment about her feet being swollen. I told her that it was the soy sauce we ate at lunch. We had gone to PF Chang's. I knew that I was going to be retaining lots of fluid from eating there. The next day, sure enough I took my fluid pills and I was running to the bathroom every 5 minutes, it seemed. I texted her and told her that we couldn't go back there. Long story short we had a long texted conversation. She told me how she was turning over a new leaf and was going to be serious about losing her weight since she was pushing 200 lbs. I told her that I would support her 110%. And I have to be honest here and it just may be where I'm at right now but I feel anyone who feels like that they need to diet has a eating disorder. Don't you all run away on me!!!!! It is just where my brain is at and I'm trying really hard to look at things differently. I realize that there are millions of people who are always going to diet. This is just me. I will support my friend 110% and if you are dieting I will support you 110%! I know having any extra weight is miserable and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. OK, back to the story.
She texted me the following comment. Can I be honest with you and of course by looking at me I am definitely no expert !!! It seems to me that your way of doing it always gets way too complex. I think what the problem is, is that you get too deep into it and think about everything too much! Let's have a new motto! Keep it simple sista! That spells...KISS
Well that hurt my feelings. I put my heart and soul into losing this weight because I want it so bad. I'm serious about getting rid of the weight. I want to be free from this body! I hate being inside of it! I also have a worse problem than most people needing to lose over 200 lbs! Her comment made me feel stupid and inadequate. (Hold your thoughts!)
I got teary over this. It set off so many emotions inside of me. I was angry and I was hurt. I felt like just giving up and just go and eat! I found strength and she was still texting me stuff because she texts 90 mph and I texted back to her: Could she please try not to set off any of my emotions and that it would help me a lot.
Well I got blasted from her again and this time it was something that a psychologist told her when she was in rehab for her alcoholism. The conversation got worse and I got more emotional and it was more hurt than anything. By the time we got through I thought that I should just get rid of the friendship.
As the day wore on I couldn't wait to see Dr Michel and tell her about this. See what she would say about it all. I blew it at dinner as I wasn't mindful and I just shoved down a double-meat and cheese Whopper and fries for dinner.
Monday, when I got to see Dr. Michel and I told her that I had an emotional weekend and that I wasn't mindful and I ate the double meat and cheese Whopper we started talking about things. I ended up reading her the entire text message.
Her first response was that one of the reasons she hated texting and emails was that you couldn't see the person's face and things can get misconstrued. She told me up front that she wasn't going to tell me if my friend was right or wrong but that after listening to it she remembered my ordeal with Kathy a few weeks back and she wanted to ask me a question. She asked me "Do you take parts of conversations that you take as hurtful and sit them aside away from the context of the conversation?" When she said that and as she started giving me an example I kid you not my brain started spinning out of control like I have never felt before. It was like a spring that was so tightly rounded up that it snapped and just unraveled. I got it. All I could say was "Oh My God!!! I have done this my entire life and I didn't realize it till you asked me that question! I couldn't get anything else out. I just wanted to die as my memory started flashing so much in side of my head with so many different examples going off. Dr. Michel said "Ok, can you give me an example way back when that you see that you did this?" The first thing that came into my head was a time when I was about 14 and she told me "Laura Lynn, you would look so much better if you wear some make-up!" I told Dr. Michel this and she asked me what did you hear back then? I told her that I heard that I wasn't pretty and that my mother hated me" She quickly asked me what would I say hearing that through adult ears today? I told her "I would say to her to mind her own business and worry about what she looked like!" Dr. Michel then told me that she thought what my mother said was inappropriate and it would have been addressed if I had been in counseling for my eating disorder back then. She went on to say that this behavior is very common with eating disorders. My head was still spinning around and I wanted to cry hearing that because I could only think about all the things that went on with my parents as a child, teenager, young adult and more recently had been dissected and misconstrued. At about the same time my intestines got crampy and I knew that meant trouble and that I needed to get out of there and get to a restroom pretty quick. Dr. Michel was talking but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. She stopped and said to me "I see a couple of times you have gotten a very sad look on your face, tell me about that?" I apologized and told her. Dr. Michel, I'm sorry but I am having a hard time concentrating because my stomach is cramping and she said immediately do we need to end right now? I hated to say it but I told her "I think so". I got out my check and told her that she could give me a receipt next week. I pretty much got up and grabbed my tote and got out of there and barely made it to the bathroom. As I was giving her my check and picking up my bag she told me what she wanted me to do for homework this next week.
After I left there I met my friend Karen (from Norway) for lunch. She was here in Houston overnight because her precious Mom had passed away and they had been in New Mexico and they were headed back. We talked about my session and my head was quickly becoming a noodle. I had a great time getting to see her and I felt so wonderful that she chose to want to see me out of so many of her close friends. I miss her so much but thank God for Skype!
On the way home I got caught in a horrible traffic jam that diverted away from how I normally go home. Thank you Lord for my navigation system in my new SUV. It took me almost 2 hours to get home. That's living in Houston! When I got home I emailed Dr. Michel and apologized that I had forgotten what my homework was and she kindly wrote me back. Meredith showed up as we are helping her with some dishes and stuff for her kitchen since she will be moving into her own apartment this Friday. That is a whole other story! She ended up staying till dinner and then didn't leave till after 11:00 p.m. My head was still not back together. I just felt weird and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. A part of me feels so dumb, yet a part of me is so relieved to see that all my life I have been my own worse enemy. I have so many emotions. Dr. Michel wants me to journal about our session and I'm sure I will talk about all these emotions as I write.
This morning I see Mark the drug dude and tonight I have my Mindful Eating Group. Which by the way Dr. Michel asked me what I thought and I told her the jury was out because I had some concerns and we ended up talking about it and she told me that she will make sure that we all get what we need about mindful eating. We also talked about the elevator last week and she told me that Stacy was going to make sure that I got down on that elevator. She told me that the building manager told her that it wasn't working. We both agreed that the cleaning people did something but that they didn't want to own up to it since she reminded them about the ADA. She told me that she felt certain that there would not be a problem tonight.
So...this noodle brain has to run as I have an hour to get dressed and get out of here!
Really before I tell you what happened I keep asking myself "How did Anna miss this one?" As much as we have talked about my childhood and things said about my parents and what they said to me as a child, how did she miss this?
This past weekend my neighbor Rae and I went to lunch and later that night she came over and we all watched a movie. She made a comment about her feet being swollen. I told her that it was the soy sauce we ate at lunch. We had gone to PF Chang's. I knew that I was going to be retaining lots of fluid from eating there. The next day, sure enough I took my fluid pills and I was running to the bathroom every 5 minutes, it seemed. I texted her and told her that we couldn't go back there. Long story short we had a long texted conversation. She told me how she was turning over a new leaf and was going to be serious about losing her weight since she was pushing 200 lbs. I told her that I would support her 110%. And I have to be honest here and it just may be where I'm at right now but I feel anyone who feels like that they need to diet has a eating disorder. Don't you all run away on me!!!!! It is just where my brain is at and I'm trying really hard to look at things differently. I realize that there are millions of people who are always going to diet. This is just me. I will support my friend 110% and if you are dieting I will support you 110%! I know having any extra weight is miserable and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. OK, back to the story.
She texted me the following comment. Can I be honest with you and of course by looking at me I am definitely no expert !!! It seems to me that your way of doing it always gets way too complex. I think what the problem is, is that you get too deep into it and think about everything too much! Let's have a new motto! Keep it simple sista! That spells...KISS
Well that hurt my feelings. I put my heart and soul into losing this weight because I want it so bad. I'm serious about getting rid of the weight. I want to be free from this body! I hate being inside of it! I also have a worse problem than most people needing to lose over 200 lbs! Her comment made me feel stupid and inadequate. (Hold your thoughts!)
I got teary over this. It set off so many emotions inside of me. I was angry and I was hurt. I felt like just giving up and just go and eat! I found strength and she was still texting me stuff because she texts 90 mph and I texted back to her: Could she please try not to set off any of my emotions and that it would help me a lot.
Well I got blasted from her again and this time it was something that a psychologist told her when she was in rehab for her alcoholism. The conversation got worse and I got more emotional and it was more hurt than anything. By the time we got through I thought that I should just get rid of the friendship.
As the day wore on I couldn't wait to see Dr Michel and tell her about this. See what she would say about it all. I blew it at dinner as I wasn't mindful and I just shoved down a double-meat and cheese Whopper and fries for dinner.
Monday, when I got to see Dr. Michel and I told her that I had an emotional weekend and that I wasn't mindful and I ate the double meat and cheese Whopper we started talking about things. I ended up reading her the entire text message.
Her first response was that one of the reasons she hated texting and emails was that you couldn't see the person's face and things can get misconstrued. She told me up front that she wasn't going to tell me if my friend was right or wrong but that after listening to it she remembered my ordeal with Kathy a few weeks back and she wanted to ask me a question. She asked me "Do you take parts of conversations that you take as hurtful and sit them aside away from the context of the conversation?" When she said that and as she started giving me an example I kid you not my brain started spinning out of control like I have never felt before. It was like a spring that was so tightly rounded up that it snapped and just unraveled. I got it. All I could say was "Oh My God!!! I have done this my entire life and I didn't realize it till you asked me that question! I couldn't get anything else out. I just wanted to die as my memory started flashing so much in side of my head with so many different examples going off. Dr. Michel said "Ok, can you give me an example way back when that you see that you did this?" The first thing that came into my head was a time when I was about 14 and she told me "Laura Lynn, you would look so much better if you wear some make-up!" I told Dr. Michel this and she asked me what did you hear back then? I told her that I heard that I wasn't pretty and that my mother hated me" She quickly asked me what would I say hearing that through adult ears today? I told her "I would say to her to mind her own business and worry about what she looked like!" Dr. Michel then told me that she thought what my mother said was inappropriate and it would have been addressed if I had been in counseling for my eating disorder back then. She went on to say that this behavior is very common with eating disorders. My head was still spinning around and I wanted to cry hearing that because I could only think about all the things that went on with my parents as a child, teenager, young adult and more recently had been dissected and misconstrued. At about the same time my intestines got crampy and I knew that meant trouble and that I needed to get out of there and get to a restroom pretty quick. Dr. Michel was talking but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. She stopped and said to me "I see a couple of times you have gotten a very sad look on your face, tell me about that?" I apologized and told her. Dr. Michel, I'm sorry but I am having a hard time concentrating because my stomach is cramping and she said immediately do we need to end right now? I hated to say it but I told her "I think so". I got out my check and told her that she could give me a receipt next week. I pretty much got up and grabbed my tote and got out of there and barely made it to the bathroom. As I was giving her my check and picking up my bag she told me what she wanted me to do for homework this next week.
After I left there I met my friend Karen (from Norway) for lunch. She was here in Houston overnight because her precious Mom had passed away and they had been in New Mexico and they were headed back. We talked about my session and my head was quickly becoming a noodle. I had a great time getting to see her and I felt so wonderful that she chose to want to see me out of so many of her close friends. I miss her so much but thank God for Skype!
On the way home I got caught in a horrible traffic jam that diverted away from how I normally go home. Thank you Lord for my navigation system in my new SUV. It took me almost 2 hours to get home. That's living in Houston! When I got home I emailed Dr. Michel and apologized that I had forgotten what my homework was and she kindly wrote me back. Meredith showed up as we are helping her with some dishes and stuff for her kitchen since she will be moving into her own apartment this Friday. That is a whole other story! She ended up staying till dinner and then didn't leave till after 11:00 p.m. My head was still not back together. I just felt weird and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. A part of me feels so dumb, yet a part of me is so relieved to see that all my life I have been my own worse enemy. I have so many emotions. Dr. Michel wants me to journal about our session and I'm sure I will talk about all these emotions as I write.
This morning I see Mark the drug dude and tonight I have my Mindful Eating Group. Which by the way Dr. Michel asked me what I thought and I told her the jury was out because I had some concerns and we ended up talking about it and she told me that she will make sure that we all get what we need about mindful eating. We also talked about the elevator last week and she told me that Stacy was going to make sure that I got down on that elevator. She told me that the building manager told her that it wasn't working. We both agreed that the cleaning people did something but that they didn't want to own up to it since she reminded them about the ADA. She told me that she felt certain that there would not be a problem tonight.
So...this noodle brain has to run as I have an hour to get dressed and get out of here!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Help Me! What Do You Want To See?
I have been a wee bit overwhelmed these last few days. Trying to get out here and write and trying to work on getting better. My mind feel fuzzy and emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress and yet another moment I feel like a failure. This is starting to be a wild ride! So I decided I need to hear from you. I need to know what you want to read. I've posted about my sessions in hopes that something said or done might help you. I'm not even sure you need the help. You the reader might be totally o.k. and have no struggles and then yet again I fear that someone might be. This is an expensive ride so I've been trying to help by giving you information. Maybe that isn't what you want. Maybe you just want to hear where I am and what I'm working on. So...please leave me a comment or send me a email and let me know what you would like to read about. My sessions or about me and the effects that the session have on me. If you don't want to leave a comment then email me at imahoot286@sbcglobal.net.
Marriage counseling went great and we are to talk about things that bother us and if there is a decision to be made then we are to work out a contract and sign it and break it back in. If we have problems agreeing then our therapist will work it out and/or decide for us. The key here is to try and remove as much emotional triggers as possible. That will help so much. I just have a tendency to eat when I'm frustrated or in a emotional moment.
My Mindful Eating Group started Wednesday and it is led by the same psychologist as we are seeing for our marital counseling. The jury is still out on how that will go. I wasn't impressed with the first meeting. Really nothing got accomplished but then at first with any therapist it is breaking the ice type of thing. There are only 3 of us beside the therapist in the group. I could have hoped for more. There is another lady who is an attorney and she is large but not like me and then there is a guy who is retired from BP and then there is me the lazy stay at home wife who just game up all her fun on Facebook which by the way was a good thing. Hard to tell how this one is going to work. Here is my concern. We are using the work book by Susan Alber's that goes with her mindful eating book. The group is to last 6 weeks. We have already had 1 week so 5 left. There are 11 or 12 chapters in the workbook. I've already completed 3 of them with Kathy. So...do I have to say much more. Did I just pay for 2 weeks of additional information about Chapters 4 and 5. Well what about the other weeks? Damn it I need to learn how to eat mindfully. Hear me? They don't! I'm real frustrated in this area of my recovery. I just can't decide to bitch now or later. Not sure with how this is all going to flow. Debating what to say to Dr. Michel when she asked me what I thought about it. Don't know what to do!
I can't make up my mind about the way Anna is going to be in this big picture. I want her in this but it isn't working like I had hoped. Kathy and Dr. Michel have done nothing but left messages for Anna and Anna has done the same. You would think that if you had 3 treatment people who were having a hard time meeting up you would agree to have a conference call one day after work. Hell, I'll pay for the it!
I know you are hearing frustrations yet I'm the one that keeps writing $150, $100, $300, $80 and $30 dollars every week, yet the $300 prepays my 6 week group. I need progress! I feel like I'm spinning like a F-5 tornado in between this team. I just may have to use this week to bitch! I know what Anna would tell me to do and that is to speak up for myself that the reality is I'm in control Humm..
So, we will see what tomorrow brings. Let me know what you think and we will all go from here. Thanks for being here for me! Even though ya'll don't talk back it feels good to feel that someone cares. A few of my friends here don't but that is another long story that I just don't feel like writing about today. Maybe later.
Love y'all!
Marriage counseling went great and we are to talk about things that bother us and if there is a decision to be made then we are to work out a contract and sign it and break it back in. If we have problems agreeing then our therapist will work it out and/or decide for us. The key here is to try and remove as much emotional triggers as possible. That will help so much. I just have a tendency to eat when I'm frustrated or in a emotional moment.
My Mindful Eating Group started Wednesday and it is led by the same psychologist as we are seeing for our marital counseling. The jury is still out on how that will go. I wasn't impressed with the first meeting. Really nothing got accomplished but then at first with any therapist it is breaking the ice type of thing. There are only 3 of us beside the therapist in the group. I could have hoped for more. There is another lady who is an attorney and she is large but not like me and then there is a guy who is retired from BP and then there is me the lazy stay at home wife who just game up all her fun on Facebook which by the way was a good thing. Hard to tell how this one is going to work. Here is my concern. We are using the work book by Susan Alber's that goes with her mindful eating book. The group is to last 6 weeks. We have already had 1 week so 5 left. There are 11 or 12 chapters in the workbook. I've already completed 3 of them with Kathy. So...do I have to say much more. Did I just pay for 2 weeks of additional information about Chapters 4 and 5. Well what about the other weeks? Damn it I need to learn how to eat mindfully. Hear me? They don't! I'm real frustrated in this area of my recovery. I just can't decide to bitch now or later. Not sure with how this is all going to flow. Debating what to say to Dr. Michel when she asked me what I thought about it. Don't know what to do!
I can't make up my mind about the way Anna is going to be in this big picture. I want her in this but it isn't working like I had hoped. Kathy and Dr. Michel have done nothing but left messages for Anna and Anna has done the same. You would think that if you had 3 treatment people who were having a hard time meeting up you would agree to have a conference call one day after work. Hell, I'll pay for the it!
I know you are hearing frustrations yet I'm the one that keeps writing $150, $100, $300, $80 and $30 dollars every week, yet the $300 prepays my 6 week group. I need progress! I feel like I'm spinning like a F-5 tornado in between this team. I just may have to use this week to bitch! I know what Anna would tell me to do and that is to speak up for myself that the reality is I'm in control Humm..
So, we will see what tomorrow brings. Let me know what you think and we will all go from here. Thanks for being here for me! Even though ya'll don't talk back it feels good to feel that someone cares. A few of my friends here don't but that is another long story that I just don't feel like writing about today. Maybe later.
Love y'all!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Thursday Sessions....Wonderful!
If you listened to the Thom Rutledge talk I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have. There is a lot of good things out there to look at. In fact I messing around the computer I found a Binge Eating Blog where the guy who writes it created a computer App. Boy if he could create it for the phone he would make a ton of money. You need to go and check it out. It is called Binge Buddy and here is the link to it:
Binge Buddy
My session with Anna today was excellent! We mainly talked about my session with Dr. Michel on Monday plus my post on Facebook giving up my games which she was really happy about. One thing that I ran across this morning was a article about Sibling Bullying can cause Eating Disorders. When I read the title of the article it just ran chills through my body. We have never discussed my relationship with my brother. It has never been normal. As kids we couldn't stand each other. I tried but he was and is a piece of work. We have only discussed the issues with my parents and how they treated him. OMG! This was huge to me! Anna about fell out of her chair when I told her about it. We talked about our fights and how he would do things and all he had to say was "Laura started it" or "Laura did it" and I got in trouble. Every single time! I can remember when I was in Junior High and he was in high school him pushing me down from being in the middle of the mirror trying to get ready for school for him to comb his hair. He would stand there and say "Don't you wish you were as good looking as me?" or "Don't you wish you were as popular as me" That was when I really started hating him and when people asked me if we were related I would tell that that I didn't know who he was. I kid you not some people would see us get out of the car together and want to be my friend to get closer to him. I had to be careful who I ran around with and who I would let be my friend. Horrible! I think that this needs to be explored more. Anna does too!
Anna and I talked about me just seeing her to talk about things that might be bugging me while working with my team. At her office I thought that would be nice but since then I have thought I really don't want to have a place to voice what I don't like, I need to be letting the team know. Since our meeting I have decided that starting in September I will go to seeing Anna every other week so that I can keep her updated on what is going on just in case I run into the issue of not being able to afford working with my team and have to come back and just finish up with Anna. I told Anna about Dr. Michel's concern in doing that could cause confusion because of different psychology styles. Anna understood and she told me that she would not want to ever do that. It is just so hard to let go of someone you trust and shared so deeply with. Anna also invited me to be a part of a Mindful Eating group that she is starting next week based on the workbook that Kathy and I have worked out of. It also goes with the book that the group that I start attending next week under the direction of Dr. Michel is using. I hated to tell Anna no but it sounds like it isn't really organized too well but more of a time that her, a friend of hers, me and another patient would sit and discuss so I decided that i would attend. It is only going to be for 4 weeks. I couldn't hurt.
My visit with Kathy was a short one because she was leaving on vacation. That means that I won't see her for 2 weeks. We talked about the fact that I can leave my sessions all pumped up and ready to work hard and I don't follow through. We went over my goals again which is to stop eating at the places that we go to over and over and over. To find new places, to eat at the table every single meal. To stay mindful by putting down my fork when I speak and/or listen to conversation as I get distracted. Make sure I'm in tune with my body before eating, listen to music is a option, shop for what looks good, and ask myself before meal times and snack times "What do I want?" and make sure that I eat that. Get all diet food out of the house. Stock the pantry and refrigerator with options that I can pick from that will interest me each week. I must start doing all of this!
So Saturday we had our first meeting with Stacy who is our psychologist and she is also leading my mindful eating group that starts tomorrow. I will write tomorrow about our meeting with Stacy this past Saturday and my session with Dr Michel. I'll get you all going again. It's a whirlwind here and yes, I am missing my games!!!!! I'll work through it! I'm sure it will take time!
Till tomorrow!
Binge Buddy
My session with Anna today was excellent! We mainly talked about my session with Dr. Michel on Monday plus my post on Facebook giving up my games which she was really happy about. One thing that I ran across this morning was a article about Sibling Bullying can cause Eating Disorders. When I read the title of the article it just ran chills through my body. We have never discussed my relationship with my brother. It has never been normal. As kids we couldn't stand each other. I tried but he was and is a piece of work. We have only discussed the issues with my parents and how they treated him. OMG! This was huge to me! Anna about fell out of her chair when I told her about it. We talked about our fights and how he would do things and all he had to say was "Laura started it" or "Laura did it" and I got in trouble. Every single time! I can remember when I was in Junior High and he was in high school him pushing me down from being in the middle of the mirror trying to get ready for school for him to comb his hair. He would stand there and say "Don't you wish you were as good looking as me?" or "Don't you wish you were as popular as me" That was when I really started hating him and when people asked me if we were related I would tell that that I didn't know who he was. I kid you not some people would see us get out of the car together and want to be my friend to get closer to him. I had to be careful who I ran around with and who I would let be my friend. Horrible! I think that this needs to be explored more. Anna does too!
Anna and I talked about me just seeing her to talk about things that might be bugging me while working with my team. At her office I thought that would be nice but since then I have thought I really don't want to have a place to voice what I don't like, I need to be letting the team know. Since our meeting I have decided that starting in September I will go to seeing Anna every other week so that I can keep her updated on what is going on just in case I run into the issue of not being able to afford working with my team and have to come back and just finish up with Anna. I told Anna about Dr. Michel's concern in doing that could cause confusion because of different psychology styles. Anna understood and she told me that she would not want to ever do that. It is just so hard to let go of someone you trust and shared so deeply with. Anna also invited me to be a part of a Mindful Eating group that she is starting next week based on the workbook that Kathy and I have worked out of. It also goes with the book that the group that I start attending next week under the direction of Dr. Michel is using. I hated to tell Anna no but it sounds like it isn't really organized too well but more of a time that her, a friend of hers, me and another patient would sit and discuss so I decided that i would attend. It is only going to be for 4 weeks. I couldn't hurt.
My visit with Kathy was a short one because she was leaving on vacation. That means that I won't see her for 2 weeks. We talked about the fact that I can leave my sessions all pumped up and ready to work hard and I don't follow through. We went over my goals again which is to stop eating at the places that we go to over and over and over. To find new places, to eat at the table every single meal. To stay mindful by putting down my fork when I speak and/or listen to conversation as I get distracted. Make sure I'm in tune with my body before eating, listen to music is a option, shop for what looks good, and ask myself before meal times and snack times "What do I want?" and make sure that I eat that. Get all diet food out of the house. Stock the pantry and refrigerator with options that I can pick from that will interest me each week. I must start doing all of this!
So Saturday we had our first meeting with Stacy who is our psychologist and she is also leading my mindful eating group that starts tomorrow. I will write tomorrow about our meeting with Stacy this past Saturday and my session with Dr Michel. I'll get you all going again. It's a whirlwind here and yes, I am missing my games!!!!! I'll work through it! I'm sure it will take time!
Till tomorrow!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
I Did It!!!!
I haven't said anything about this, just kinda keeping it to myself and working on it. Between Anna and Kathy (mostly Kathy) I knew that I really needed to give up the games that I play nearly 24 hours a day on Facebook. Since gaining all this weight and not getting around like I use to I started playing Hidden Chronicles when it first came out. I made over 200 friends over the last 2 years playing that game. Some have become really close friends. I just couldn't bare losing my friends. At least I thought I would. Night before last I finally realized with all that is fixing to happen with my treatment it was time that I said goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. You have to realize that this had become my lifeline ever since Karen moved to Norway and my life started being at home 7 days a week except for Dr. appointments.
Here is what I posted:
To All my Gaming friends. I have come to the decision that I am going to have to give up all games on Facebook. The thing that you all don't know about me is that I'm in treatment for a Eating Disorder and I'm in a battle to save my life. I'm in extensive treatment seeing a treatment team 5 times a week. I have to do this. I need to devote all my time and energy to my recovery. I hope you all understand. Each of you have been so dear to me helping achieve my goals in Hidden Chronicles. Just know that this decision has not been a easy one for me but one that has been thought about and worked on with my treatment team. I just can't sit with a computer in my lap all day anymore. I have to start doing things to work at saving my life because right now my weight is critical. I will be unfriending you all and deleting Hidden Chronicles and Candy Crush Saga so that you no longer see me on your drop down list when making your requests. Maybe someday I will be back. Who knows. If you want to stay in touch you can email me. My address is in my About Me page. Thanks again. You all have wonderful and I will always treasure the fun times we have had helping each other. I wish you all only the best.
I was shocked at the out pouring of love. After sleeping for a little while I spent most of the day crying at things posted and personal messages that were sent to me. Here are a couple of examples that really touched me. Let me say this...these were from people that I never communicated with, didn't know, we only helped each other with requests needed to play the game.
We were not friends Laura,but i wish you all the luck in the world to conquer this,take care & i pray the treatment works for you. In there when you are well,i hope you decide to come back to your friends & add me too. Until that day comes around remember to look after yourself.May God Bless you & keep you safe & well. Love to you xx<3
I had to write her. I was so touched that she would post that and we were not even friends. This came out of a group that I belonged to that gave tips to the game and just some of the group were my friends. Here is what I wrote back and her response.
Thank you so much for your sweet words. They mean so much to me. This is a battle and they have told me this will be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I feel it but I'm ready to do what ever it takes. I have had this eating disorder for nearly 50 years. It has robbed me of too much life. I want to enjoy what I have left. I wish you the best and again thank you so much for your sweet and kind words.
Thank you so much Laura for taking the time to write to me,your life is the most valuable asset you will ever own. I hate to lose you as a friend,forget the games but please keep some of your friends for support at times when you may just need someone to chat to. I wish you all the luck in the World,& i wish i could be near you to hold you & tell you all will be ok but things do not work like that in life. If you decide to keep a few of your friends from f/b will you please consider me as 1 of them. I hate to think of you fighting this,you remind me so much of 1 of my Daughters. If you do not wish to carry on with anything on f/b.....I admire you & pray to God above to give you the strength you will need to overcome your fight for life. May God Bless you & his Angels comfort you xxx ps i am always here for you if you need me sweet lady xxxxx
Is that the sweetest thing? We ended up becoming friends on FB.
Here is one more that really touched me:
Laura you have to do what is best for you, By putting this out there shows me that you want to get better and you are a strong person and you are going to do whatever needs to get done to make that happen, Kudo,s to you because people do judge and it was probably not an easy thing for you to let us all know about this, You go girl and just know we are all here to support and help you any way we can,If I can help you in any way please do not hesitate to message me,I have seen and been there to watch women and men go through this and it is not an easy thing ,but you sound like you are very positive and strong person and you are going to beat this thing, I wish nothing but the best for you and please keep us updated on how you are doing,god bless you and a big hug coming your way,
There were many others like these, it was almost overwhelming. Even from the post that I also put on my regular Facebook page were the outpouring from my own friends of support. I really have been hush hush about this. Only those of you who read my blog know what is going on. Of course my family and closest friends. Needless to say I was shocked by the outpouring of love I received.
Today Anna and Kathy will be jumping up and down over this. Monday Dr. Michel will. I feel better with it all being behind me. I am ready to start doing the things that I need to do to recover. It may not be weighing and measuring food and recording each an every exact amount but it will be taking a good long look at these emotions that drive me to eat and journaling about them. It will be reading my books and working all the exercises. It will be doing more things around the house and letting go of excuses that keep me out of the kitchen. But I am ready to go for it.
A few weeks ago I was so fortunate to come across a really cool resource. One that I really wanted to join and get plugged into. You all know that Kathy has me reading "Life Without ED" by Jenni Schaefer. I became friends with her on Facebook. Well one day she posted about this on-line mentoring group called MentorCONNECT. I immediately went to their website and I was so excited to see that finally I was going to be able to connect with people that shared the same problem that I have. I wanted to joined and get a Mentor and I wanted to join their Community Forum so that I could stop feeling so alone. I knew that I should clear this with Dr. Michel so I waited. But while I was exploring the site I ran across a section that contained Podcasts that you could listen to for free. They had some by Jenni Schaefer and some by her psychologist Thom Rutledge who co-authored Life Without ED. I was on cloud nine. I knew that I was safe listening to the two of them since my team thinks so highly of them. I did listen to a couple of them and I as really moved by them. That Monday I asked Dr. Michel about MentorCONNECT and she knew of them and told me the person who started it was someone she knows. She just happens to be here in Houston! Dr. Michel told me to hold off for now in joining but she didn't mind me listening to the podcasts just let her know which ones I'm listening to so that she could listen also and we could discuss them. Fair enough. She did tell me at some point in time she will let me join. She wants to check with the person who started it what is their criteria for someone to become a Mentor. I can understand that and I appreciate Dr. Michel being careful in what I do as I start my recovery. Here is one that I listen to that I can't get enough of. You may like to hear it to. Here is the link:
Hardest Part of Recovery With Thom Rutledge
I hope you will take the time to listen. It is a really good talk. I'm sure all of them on the webite are excellent as well and here is how you find them:
MentorCONNECT Teleconferences Podcasts
Tomorrow I will share about my sessions today with Anna and Kathy! Stay tuned.
Here is what I posted:
To All my Gaming friends. I have come to the decision that I am going to have to give up all games on Facebook. The thing that you all don't know about me is that I'm in treatment for a Eating Disorder and I'm in a battle to save my life. I'm in extensive treatment seeing a treatment team 5 times a week. I have to do this. I need to devote all my time and energy to my recovery. I hope you all understand. Each of you have been so dear to me helping achieve my goals in Hidden Chronicles. Just know that this decision has not been a easy one for me but one that has been thought about and worked on with my treatment team. I just can't sit with a computer in my lap all day anymore. I have to start doing things to work at saving my life because right now my weight is critical. I will be unfriending you all and deleting Hidden Chronicles and Candy Crush Saga so that you no longer see me on your drop down list when making your requests. Maybe someday I will be back. Who knows. If you want to stay in touch you can email me. My address is in my About Me page. Thanks again. You all have wonderful and I will always treasure the fun times we have had helping each other. I wish you all only the best.
I was shocked at the out pouring of love. After sleeping for a little while I spent most of the day crying at things posted and personal messages that were sent to me. Here are a couple of examples that really touched me. Let me say this...these were from people that I never communicated with, didn't know, we only helped each other with requests needed to play the game.
We were not friends Laura,but i wish you all the luck in the world to conquer this,take care & i pray the treatment works for you. In there when you are well,i hope you decide to come back to your friends & add me too. Until that day comes around remember to look after yourself.May God Bless you & keep you safe & well. Love to you xx<3
I had to write her. I was so touched that she would post that and we were not even friends. This came out of a group that I belonged to that gave tips to the game and just some of the group were my friends. Here is what I wrote back and her response.
Thank you so much for your sweet words. They mean so much to me. This is a battle and they have told me this will be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I feel it but I'm ready to do what ever it takes. I have had this eating disorder for nearly 50 years. It has robbed me of too much life. I want to enjoy what I have left. I wish you the best and again thank you so much for your sweet and kind words.
Thank you so much Laura for taking the time to write to me,your life is the most valuable asset you will ever own. I hate to lose you as a friend,forget the games but please keep some of your friends for support at times when you may just need someone to chat to. I wish you all the luck in the World,& i wish i could be near you to hold you & tell you all will be ok but things do not work like that in life. If you decide to keep a few of your friends from f/b will you please consider me as 1 of them. I hate to think of you fighting this,you remind me so much of 1 of my Daughters. If you do not wish to carry on with anything on f/b.....I admire you & pray to God above to give you the strength you will need to overcome your fight for life. May God Bless you & his Angels comfort you xxx ps i am always here for you if you need me sweet lady xxxxx
Is that the sweetest thing? We ended up becoming friends on FB.
Here is one more that really touched me:
Laura you have to do what is best for you, By putting this out there shows me that you want to get better and you are a strong person and you are going to do whatever needs to get done to make that happen, Kudo,s to you because people do judge and it was probably not an easy thing for you to let us all know about this, You go girl and just know we are all here to support and help you any way we can,If I can help you in any way please do not hesitate to message me,I have seen and been there to watch women and men go through this and it is not an easy thing ,but you sound like you are very positive and strong person and you are going to beat this thing, I wish nothing but the best for you and please keep us updated on how you are doing,god bless you and a big hug coming your way,
There were many others like these, it was almost overwhelming. Even from the post that I also put on my regular Facebook page were the outpouring from my own friends of support. I really have been hush hush about this. Only those of you who read my blog know what is going on. Of course my family and closest friends. Needless to say I was shocked by the outpouring of love I received.
Today Anna and Kathy will be jumping up and down over this. Monday Dr. Michel will. I feel better with it all being behind me. I am ready to start doing the things that I need to do to recover. It may not be weighing and measuring food and recording each an every exact amount but it will be taking a good long look at these emotions that drive me to eat and journaling about them. It will be reading my books and working all the exercises. It will be doing more things around the house and letting go of excuses that keep me out of the kitchen. But I am ready to go for it.
A few weeks ago I was so fortunate to come across a really cool resource. One that I really wanted to join and get plugged into. You all know that Kathy has me reading "Life Without ED" by Jenni Schaefer. I became friends with her on Facebook. Well one day she posted about this on-line mentoring group called MentorCONNECT. I immediately went to their website and I was so excited to see that finally I was going to be able to connect with people that shared the same problem that I have. I wanted to joined and get a Mentor and I wanted to join their Community Forum so that I could stop feeling so alone. I knew that I should clear this with Dr. Michel so I waited. But while I was exploring the site I ran across a section that contained Podcasts that you could listen to for free. They had some by Jenni Schaefer and some by her psychologist Thom Rutledge who co-authored Life Without ED. I was on cloud nine. I knew that I was safe listening to the two of them since my team thinks so highly of them. I did listen to a couple of them and I as really moved by them. That Monday I asked Dr. Michel about MentorCONNECT and she knew of them and told me the person who started it was someone she knows. She just happens to be here in Houston! Dr. Michel told me to hold off for now in joining but she didn't mind me listening to the podcasts just let her know which ones I'm listening to so that she could listen also and we could discuss them. Fair enough. She did tell me at some point in time she will let me join. She wants to check with the person who started it what is their criteria for someone to become a Mentor. I can understand that and I appreciate Dr. Michel being careful in what I do as I start my recovery. Here is one that I listen to that I can't get enough of. You may like to hear it to. Here is the link:
Hardest Part of Recovery With Thom Rutledge
I hope you will take the time to listen. It is a really good talk. I'm sure all of them on the webite are excellent as well and here is how you find them:
MentorCONNECT Teleconferences Podcasts
Tomorrow I will share about my sessions today with Anna and Kathy! Stay tuned.
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