This is later than I wanted to be but my mind has been spinning since I left Dr. Michel's office Monday morning. It still is.
Really before I tell you what happened I keep asking myself "How did Anna miss this one?" As much as we have talked about my childhood and things said about my parents and what they said to me as a child, how did she miss this?
This past weekend my neighbor Rae and I went to lunch and later that night she came over and we all watched a movie. She made a comment about her feet being swollen. I told her that it was the soy sauce we ate at lunch. We had gone to PF Chang's. I knew that I was going to be retaining lots of fluid from eating there. The next day, sure enough I took my fluid pills and I was running to the bathroom every 5 minutes, it seemed. I texted her and told her that we couldn't go back there. Long story short we had a long texted conversation. She told me how she was turning over a new leaf and was going to be serious about losing her weight since she was pushing 200 lbs. I told her that I would support her 110%. And I have to be honest here and it just may be where I'm at right now but I feel anyone who feels like that they need to diet has a eating disorder. Don't you all run away on me!!!!! It is just where my brain is at and I'm trying really hard to look at things differently. I realize that there are millions of people who are always going to diet. This is just me. I will support my friend 110% and if you are dieting I will support you 110%! I know having any extra weight is miserable and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. OK, back to the story.
She texted me the following comment. Can I be honest with you and of course by looking at me I am definitely no expert !!! It seems to me that your way of doing it always gets way too complex. I think what the problem is, is that you get too deep into it and think about everything too much! Let's have a new motto! Keep it simple sista! That spells...KISS
Well that hurt my feelings. I put my heart and soul into losing this weight because I want it so bad. I'm serious about getting rid of the weight. I want to be free from this body! I hate being inside of it! I also have a worse problem than most people needing to lose over 200 lbs! Her comment made me feel stupid and inadequate. (Hold your thoughts!)
I got teary over this. It set off so many emotions inside of me. I was angry and I was hurt. I felt like just giving up and just go and eat! I found strength and she was still texting me stuff because she texts 90 mph and I texted back to her: Could she please try not to set off any of my emotions and that it would help me a lot.
Well I got blasted from her again and this time it was something that a psychologist told her when she was in rehab for her alcoholism. The conversation got worse and I got more emotional and it was more hurt than anything. By the time we got through I thought that I should just get rid of the friendship.
As the day wore on I couldn't wait to see Dr Michel and tell her about this. See what she would say about it all. I blew it at dinner as I wasn't mindful and I just shoved down a double-meat and cheese Whopper and fries for dinner.
Monday, when I got to see Dr. Michel and I told her that I had an emotional weekend and that I wasn't mindful and I ate the double meat and cheese Whopper we started talking about things. I ended up reading her the entire text message.
Her first response was that one of the reasons she hated texting and emails was that you couldn't see the person's face and things can get misconstrued. She told me up front that she wasn't going to tell me if my friend was right or wrong but that after listening to it she remembered my ordeal with Kathy a few weeks back and she wanted to ask me a question. She asked me "Do you take parts of conversations that you take as hurtful and sit them aside away from the context of the conversation?" When she said that and as she started giving me an example I kid you not my brain started spinning out of control like I have never felt before. It was like a spring that was so tightly rounded up that it snapped and just unraveled. I got it. All I could say was "Oh My God!!! I have done this my entire life and I didn't realize it till you asked me that question! I couldn't get anything else out. I just wanted to die as my memory started flashing so much in side of my head with so many different examples going off. Dr. Michel said "Ok, can you give me an example way back when that you see that you did this?" The first thing that came into my head was a time when I was about 14 and she told me "Laura Lynn, you would look so much better if you wear some make-up!" I told Dr. Michel this and she asked me what did you hear back then? I told her that I heard that I wasn't pretty and that my mother hated me" She quickly asked me what would I say hearing that through adult ears today? I told her "I would say to her to mind her own business and worry about what she looked like!" Dr. Michel then told me that she thought what my mother said was inappropriate and it would have been addressed if I had been in counseling for my eating disorder back then. She went on to say that this behavior is very common with eating disorders. My head was still spinning around and I wanted to cry hearing that because I could only think about all the things that went on with my parents as a child, teenager, young adult and more recently had been dissected and misconstrued. At about the same time my intestines got crampy and I knew that meant trouble and that I needed to get out of there and get to a restroom pretty quick. Dr. Michel was talking but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. She stopped and said to me "I see a couple of times you have gotten a very sad look on your face, tell me about that?" I apologized and told her. Dr. Michel, I'm sorry but I am having a hard time concentrating because my stomach is cramping and she said immediately do we need to end right now? I hated to say it but I told her "I think so". I got out my check and told her that she could give me a receipt next week. I pretty much got up and grabbed my tote and got out of there and barely made it to the bathroom. As I was giving her my check and picking up my bag she told me what she wanted me to do for homework this next week.
After I left there I met my friend Karen (from Norway) for lunch. She was here in Houston overnight because her precious Mom had passed away and they had been in New Mexico and they were headed back. We talked about my session and my head was quickly becoming a noodle. I had a great time getting to see her and I felt so wonderful that she chose to want to see me out of so many of her close friends. I miss her so much but thank God for Skype!
On the way home I got caught in a horrible traffic jam that diverted away from how I normally go home. Thank you Lord for my navigation system in my new SUV. It took me almost 2 hours to get home. That's living in Houston! When I got home I emailed Dr. Michel and apologized that I had forgotten what my homework was and she kindly wrote me back. Meredith showed up as we are helping her with some dishes and stuff for her kitchen since she will be moving into her own apartment this Friday. That is a whole other story! She ended up staying till dinner and then didn't leave till after 11:00 p.m. My head was still not back together. I just felt weird and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. A part of me feels so dumb, yet a part of me is so relieved to see that all my life I have been my own worse enemy. I have so many emotions. Dr. Michel wants me to journal about our session and I'm sure I will talk about all these emotions as I write.
This morning I see Mark the drug dude and tonight I have my Mindful Eating Group. Which by the way Dr. Michel asked me what I thought and I told her the jury was out because I had some concerns and we ended up talking about it and she told me that she will make sure that we all get what we need about mindful eating. We also talked about the elevator last week and she told me that Stacy was going to make sure that I got down on that elevator. She told me that the building manager told her that it wasn't working. We both agreed that the cleaning people did something but that they didn't want to own up to it since she reminded them about the ADA. She told me that she felt certain that there would not be a problem tonight.
So...this noodle brain has to run as I have an hour to get dressed and get out of here!
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