A couple of days ago I woke up to the saddest news on my Facebook page. A friend of mine suddenly passed away the day before. Her husband announced it on both his page and hers. I just cried. While Annette and I were not close friends we were a part of each others life for a short time and I time that I treasured. She was one of the most beautiful people you would ever grace to meet. I feel lucky to have known her.
For those of you who had kept up with the old Going To Goal website I talked of her and how we met. We met shortly after hurricane Ike. She was building a new house across the highway from me and we met for lunch at Chick-Fil-A one day. When it became time for her and Charlie to move into their new home, she was struggling with how to pack up their house and get ready to move. I offered to help her. I know that the help I got when we moved was such a blessing to me and I wanted to pay it forward. I took lunch over there and we packed away while we got to know each other. We had the best time. I warned her about the stress of the move and I told her not to let happen to me happen to her and let the stress lose the importance of keeping up with my weight loss journey.
Anette at that time had lost over 150 lbs in just a little over a year. She was my hero. Oh how I wished I could have taken the weight off like she had She did share with me that at one time before Weight Watchers she weighed about 600 lbs and was in the hospital and they told Charlie to start planning her funeral because they didn't think she was going to make it. She shocked them all and after they took off 200 lbs of fluid she walked out of there. She was on oxygen and thus she started her real weight loss journey. When I met her she was down to 270 lbs. A miracle. I was struggling to get to my first 100 lbs lost. We encouraged each other and we visited each others Weight Watchers meetings. I was there when she got her 150 lb award and she was at my 100 lb award. When I was in the hospital so many times that year because of leg infections, her and Charlie came to see me, brought me gifts, drove my car home because I had driven myself to the hospital and actually Annette came for a visit and she brought me home from the hospital with a stop by Mike's Monday night meeting just to see what the scale said. I did it. I lost the 100 lbs. Sandy weighed me in and I started crying and she came around to me to hug me and that got Mike's and Annette's attention and they both were so happy for me. That night Annette cooked Mark and I a dinner and she brought other meals to me. I also must mention that before the first hospital stay I did help them with the day that they moved in and also on another day where Annette had some friends come over and help with her kitchen. We washed and washed and dried and dried things but we had the best of time.
Annette was a diabetic and she suffered with neuropathy of her feet and lower legs and also with psoriasis. With the congestive heart disease her battle was a tough one. The saddest thing for me at the time was that she was in denial about the congestive heart disease. She thought she had been cured of it but I think that once you have it you always have it but you can learn to live with it and I'm confident the weight loss helped her so much in that area. Annette loved her potato chips and sweets and I'm really not sure how much he really tried to control her diabetes.
By the summer we had stopped getting together so often but we talked some on the phone. I never really understood what happened. She did go on a vacation for her 30 high school reunion and she did have guests that summer It was a busy time for her and I gave her space. After that I don't know what happened to our friendship. I do know by keeping up with her on a shared thread on the Weight Watcher Boards she wrote about having a hard time tracking her food and that she just didn't want to track and she had gained a lot of weight on their trip. I did call her and tried to encourage her to just mark the points off of a journal and not necessarily track the food that she was eating. She didn't want to do that. Later on she asked for help and accountability to get back on track. A couple of years ago when I was visiting another leaders meeting her and Charlie came in to weigh but neither of them talked to me It was weird. I guess now I will never know what happened between us. I think you all know that I would have fixed it!
Later on the WW Boards I heard that she had to have surgery on her feet and she had a hard time with the healing. Then I heard she had to have a couple of toes amputated. I knew things were not going good for her but I just didn't know how to reach out. I did here more recently that she was back on oxygen and they were trying to get fluid off of her and her mobility had gotten her down to a walker and she was having physical therapy in her home. All while this was happening she lost her mother whom she loved so very much and cared for. After the passing of her mother Annette wasn't the same She disappeared off the WW Boards and would only post every great once in a while.
I can't even begin to tell you the sadness that I have felt these last few days. I can't even describe to you the terror that I have had that I could drop dead at anytime because of my own obesity. I feel like I have been frozen in time. Plus day before yesterday I came down with allergy and I have felt like crud the last 2 days.
I didn't get to see Anna yesterday because I felt so bad. I needed to see her. I needed to talk to her about the fear that Annette has left me with. I don't want to die but pushing 400 lbs is like a death sentence. My body is not designed to weigh this much. None of ours are. No wonder my knees and ankles kill me. No wonder I don''t want to getup and move. No wonder I feel weak just walking around my own house. I'm scared guys...really scared!!!! I needed Anna yesterday! Now for another week.
Kathy and I did have a phone appointment yesterday and she understood my fear but I understand what she was saying as well. I can't change over night but I can make everyday count by making good food choice by really listening to what my body needs and wants and to EAT! She is not happy with my not eating. Also I haven't been logging into my Recovery Record. We talked about what goals that I could set for this week. I need to cook some things up and need to get out of the boredom that I seem to be getting myself in. For the first time I think I heard Kathy say that while I was not on a diet I still needed to make good food choices and that I'm not. I've been having a free for all enjoying all the foods that dieting took away. For the first time I can see that I have to find a balance in all of this.
So...my dear Annette, thank you for my wake-up call. I'm reading all over the WW boards that your passing has woke many people up. I hate like crazy that you lost your life amongst the battle. I wished that I had reached out to you harder. I wish that you would have allowed it. But, my friend, you didn't and now you are gone, but you will live on in many of us as we journey to reach the ultimate goal of having a productive life and good health. Rest in peace sweet one, you will never know how much I love you or how much you meant to me. I will always see your bright happy smiley face!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Life Without Ed
Here is a book that Kathy has me reading. It is an incredible book! I highly recommend it but I will tell you just like Kathy told me. Do not get this on your Kindle or whatever electronic reading device that you own. You need the paperback copy so that you can mark and come back to. The introduction will make you want to read it from front to back but it will tell you not to do it. This book is Jennifer Schaefer's journey to Recovery from her eating disorder. Her therapist is also a part of the book and there are exercises for you to do along the way.
From the Introduction:
I have never been married, but I am happily divorced. Ed and I lived together for more than twenty years. He was abusive, controlling and never hesitate to tell me what he thought, how I was doing it wrong, and what I should be doing instead...Ed is not a high school sweetheart. Ed is not some creep that I started dating in college... Ed's name come from the initials E.D. - as in eating disorder. Ed is my eating disorder.
Does that intrigue you? It did me! And I can tell you that I live with Ed the scumbag. Over the last few weeks I have come to really hear his voice and he is very real and I am going to fight my way to divorce him and Mrs. Perfectionist. Kathy said last week that this will be the battle of my life, the hardest thing that I have ever done and it will require a lot of work. I can tell you by hitting bottom these last couple of weeks over the disgusting reality of my life, I am ready to claw my way back. Jennifer realized that she didn't know who Jennifer really was because of Ed. I feel the same way. I have felt that for so long. I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself. Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose here and also the many prayers that I have prayed over the last 37 years "Why God? Don't you let me die? Why don't you just not let me wake up?" I hate to admit that but that is how I have felt. So many bad things have happened during my life. Who is Laura? The real Laura? Well I'm ready to find out.
Anna is also reading this book and her and Kathy are consulting to help me fight my recovery. I'm so ready. I hate Ed! HATE HIM! I've read enough in the book that I have came to the first stopping point and I need to write my Declaration of Independence from Ed. I will post it on a page on this site once I have it written.
Here are some other books that Kathy has had me order and get that we will be also working on but we haven't started just yet. She wants us to get into "Life Without Ed" a little further.
This is a workbook that Kathy and I will be working on. It also has a book that was written prior to the work book that she will have me read separately. Again she told me to not get these books electronically. Here is the companion book:
She is already having me read things in this book that interest me. This is a type of book that has different snippets that you can read and help where you are at the moment in regards to mindfulness of the mind, the body, the feelings and the thoughts. I haven't used it much yet but I have flipped through some of the pages.
Here is the last book that she had me get:
This book has exercises that you can use during stressful times instead of running for the food. They are all mindful exercises which is the direction that Kathy is taking me with my eating so it is only right that I also learn other mindful techniques. I'll share more on this book as I start to use it.
Well, you can see that Kathy knows her stuff and has recommended some awesome things to read and work on together. But right now the biggest thing is "Ed", my new found but very long ago friend who is fixing to get his booty kicked out of my life for good. I recommend all these books. Check them out on Amazon so that you can read parts of them to see for yourself.
There's you a project to do till tomorrow when I figure out what to share with you all next!
Quit listening to Ed...he's not your friend!
Monday, March 25, 2013
I'm Back!
Well, I went but I almost didn't. I can't tell you about how many panic attacks I had. I was a nervous wreck and I really didn't want to go. I did go and get my hair done and when I got home I just freaked out as I started packing my bags. I had gotten all the things that I needed packed as far as my stitching stuff is concerned before I left to get my hair done.
As I started packing my clothes terror just overcame me and I tried calling Karen and she wouldn't answer. I waited and called her back and then I left a message I wasn't going. Then I called my friend Pam who was putting on the Get-Away and told her that I couldn't go. She told me to call Karen A. back and tell her to come and get me and for her to put my behind in her car and bring me. She told me that I was going to be fine and I was going to have fun and then told me that she would see me there and she hung up. I call Karen back and again she wouldn't answer her phone so I left her a message telling her what Pam said and asked her to call me and I never heard from her till she came and picked me up. I can't tell you how much I cried packing my bags. Even when Karen got here I was still teary and the poor thing told me to just get in the car and she was going to load my stuff up. I told her "No" that I would get it and she told me to mind her. The poor thing had to load up 2 bags and a chair. As we left she got me laughing and talking and she too told me that everything was going to be alright and we would have fun.
When we got there poor Karen unloaded the whole truck and just had me go in and start getting settled. We then all congregated in the main room of the building that we were in. Here is what a Stitching Get-A-Way looks like:
We all come with comfy chairs and/or cushions, cords running all over the place, power strips to share, all kinds of lamps, bags, tools, you name it we come prepared! (In the bottom picture that is Karen in the bottom left hand corner. I was sitting next to her.) Here is the first two patterns that we were given along with all the things it takes to make them:
I am going to make mine as a stand-up (front center) instead of a pillow. There were a few people that stitch so fast that they got one of these almost done that night. We are talking in about 5 hours! Boy I can't stitch that fast. The whole weekend I barely got the head of mine done.
My knees killed me the whole entire weekend. OMG! I knew that they may got to hurting so bad that I couldn't get comfortable and the pain so great I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. At first I would get up and walk around but that really didn't give me the relief. I ended up about every 45 minutes having to go and lay down for 15-20 minutes. I know that there were things that I missed but I couldn't help it. The ladies all around me were so sweet and wanted to know what they could do to help including giving me Advil but I can't take it because of my blood thinners. Friday night I was the first to leave and go to bed at 10:30. We got this project later in the evening:
Saturday morning we got up and got dressed and then we heard Pam yelling up and down the hallway for us to go to breakfast. She cracked me up because she sounded like she was a drill Sargent and it felt like we were all in the Army. LOL!
We went to breakfast and came back for the next class and this is what we got:
It is backed in red quilt fabric so it looks like a pot holder but you would never use it. Just hang it up for the holidays. Do you think that I a going to be busy? Pretty much the happenings of the day were more gifts given out by drawing names and Pam has each of us to bring a gift up to $20 and no name is placed on it. Instead she has fill out a questionnaire that asks questions like our birthday, where we were born, our favorite colors, our favorite cross stitch fabric and fiber, Christmas or Halloween? and we go up and pick a gift and reach in to get the paper and try guessing who brought the gift. I got the cutest thing. It is a ceramic cupcake that has holes in the top of it to hold all my cross-stitching tools. I also got a pink pair of scissors and a candle that looks and smells like a cupcake. I gave away a pin cushion that stitched and had finished. I hope the girl liked it. I didn't know her. She seemed too but what are you going to do? Say Yuck?!!!! LOL!!!!
We all went to lunch and when we got back we got this project to do:
It is a little stocking scissor fob. What the picture doesn't show it has a long loop that you loop your scissors on and stocking dangles from your scissors. When you are finished stitching your scissors go into the stitched stocking. Is that adorable or what? From 2:30 to 6:30 we had free time and some went into town and shopped and most stayed there and just stitched. I went and took a nap and rested my knees in hopes that I could sit longer in the evening. My dang knees just kept throbbing and aching and I couldn't concentrate on anything. It was awful! Trust me I would have been one happy Momma to have just sat there and stitched my heart away!
After dinner we met down in one of the rooms for a chatting time and we all had wine and got to know each other better. At least that was what we were suppose to do. There was no place for me to sit down so I just went to the room and took advantage of resting my knees some more. It did help me make it till about 11:30 on Saturday night even though I still had to take breaks and to stretch out. I bet the new girls thought that I was a trip. We did talk and share stories and they were genuinely nice and concerned. When we left on Sunday I told the they they would not recognize me next year and I swear they will not. Come hell or high water I am going to have at least 120 lbs off if not more. This weekend really made me hit bottom. I mean deep dark black hole bottom!
Sunday brought another class and one last project. This one is so cute:
I posted two pictures so that you could see the design and see the project finished. It is finished on a beautiful piece of wood that is in the shape of a cutting board. I am going to busy if I want to get all this stuff finished by Christmas! On Sunday as we were packing up we all promised to bring all of these pieces finished. I had shared with the new girls about how much time I spend on the computer and not stitching so they made me promise them that I would stop doing that and switch for a needle and thread. I am going to do it. I miss my stitching. I'm sure that I will still use the computer as I need to write this blog and I'm sure that I will continue to play my game but not as a crazy person any more. My friend Karen on the way home told me that she wants to get together more to stitch and offered to walk with me how ever far I could walk. She is a walker so I am going to try and take her up on that. She also works a part-time job so we'll have to work it all out. She again loaded all my stuff up and we headed home. It was a fun weekend and I was able to care for myself but my knees surprised me and they really acted up. I called the Dr. today to see if I can take Advil with my Lovonox (blood thinner) and I'm waiting for a call. I had to cancel my appointment with Mark tomorrow and also my Remicade. Thursday is going to be a busy day for me. I have Anna, Kathy and then grab a sandwich and head to get my Remicade. It means that I have to drive home in the traffic and I hope my knees can take it by then. The Remicade nurse told me if I felt like I couldn't do it to call her and we would go for next week. She told me to ice my knees so I am dong that as I sit here and type. Believe it or not, it feels good.
So tomorrow, we get back to the journey. Today I am getting back on my eating schedule and have no desire to binge. I still for some strange reason don't feel like eating much. But I have some other things to share with you all that I haven't yet. Here is a hint: "It is all about Ed".
Till tomorrow...
As I started packing my clothes terror just overcame me and I tried calling Karen and she wouldn't answer. I waited and called her back and then I left a message I wasn't going. Then I called my friend Pam who was putting on the Get-Away and told her that I couldn't go. She told me to call Karen A. back and tell her to come and get me and for her to put my behind in her car and bring me. She told me that I was going to be fine and I was going to have fun and then told me that she would see me there and she hung up. I call Karen back and again she wouldn't answer her phone so I left her a message telling her what Pam said and asked her to call me and I never heard from her till she came and picked me up. I can't tell you how much I cried packing my bags. Even when Karen got here I was still teary and the poor thing told me to just get in the car and she was going to load my stuff up. I told her "No" that I would get it and she told me to mind her. The poor thing had to load up 2 bags and a chair. As we left she got me laughing and talking and she too told me that everything was going to be alright and we would have fun.
When we got there poor Karen unloaded the whole truck and just had me go in and start getting settled. We then all congregated in the main room of the building that we were in. Here is what a Stitching Get-A-Way looks like:
We all come with comfy chairs and/or cushions, cords running all over the place, power strips to share, all kinds of lamps, bags, tools, you name it we come prepared! (In the bottom picture that is Karen in the bottom left hand corner. I was sitting next to her.) Here is the first two patterns that we were given along with all the things it takes to make them:
I am going to make mine as a stand-up (front center) instead of a pillow. There were a few people that stitch so fast that they got one of these almost done that night. We are talking in about 5 hours! Boy I can't stitch that fast. The whole weekend I barely got the head of mine done.
My knees killed me the whole entire weekend. OMG! I knew that they may got to hurting so bad that I couldn't get comfortable and the pain so great I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. At first I would get up and walk around but that really didn't give me the relief. I ended up about every 45 minutes having to go and lay down for 15-20 minutes. I know that there were things that I missed but I couldn't help it. The ladies all around me were so sweet and wanted to know what they could do to help including giving me Advil but I can't take it because of my blood thinners. Friday night I was the first to leave and go to bed at 10:30. We got this project later in the evening:
Saturday morning we got up and got dressed and then we heard Pam yelling up and down the hallway for us to go to breakfast. She cracked me up because she sounded like she was a drill Sargent and it felt like we were all in the Army. LOL!
We went to breakfast and came back for the next class and this is what we got:
It is backed in red quilt fabric so it looks like a pot holder but you would never use it. Just hang it up for the holidays. Do you think that I a going to be busy? Pretty much the happenings of the day were more gifts given out by drawing names and Pam has each of us to bring a gift up to $20 and no name is placed on it. Instead she has fill out a questionnaire that asks questions like our birthday, where we were born, our favorite colors, our favorite cross stitch fabric and fiber, Christmas or Halloween? and we go up and pick a gift and reach in to get the paper and try guessing who brought the gift. I got the cutest thing. It is a ceramic cupcake that has holes in the top of it to hold all my cross-stitching tools. I also got a pink pair of scissors and a candle that looks and smells like a cupcake. I gave away a pin cushion that stitched and had finished. I hope the girl liked it. I didn't know her. She seemed too but what are you going to do? Say Yuck?!!!! LOL!!!!
We all went to lunch and when we got back we got this project to do:
It is a little stocking scissor fob. What the picture doesn't show it has a long loop that you loop your scissors on and stocking dangles from your scissors. When you are finished stitching your scissors go into the stitched stocking. Is that adorable or what? From 2:30 to 6:30 we had free time and some went into town and shopped and most stayed there and just stitched. I went and took a nap and rested my knees in hopes that I could sit longer in the evening. My dang knees just kept throbbing and aching and I couldn't concentrate on anything. It was awful! Trust me I would have been one happy Momma to have just sat there and stitched my heart away!
After dinner we met down in one of the rooms for a chatting time and we all had wine and got to know each other better. At least that was what we were suppose to do. There was no place for me to sit down so I just went to the room and took advantage of resting my knees some more. It did help me make it till about 11:30 on Saturday night even though I still had to take breaks and to stretch out. I bet the new girls thought that I was a trip. We did talk and share stories and they were genuinely nice and concerned. When we left on Sunday I told the they they would not recognize me next year and I swear they will not. Come hell or high water I am going to have at least 120 lbs off if not more. This weekend really made me hit bottom. I mean deep dark black hole bottom!
Sunday brought another class and one last project. This one is so cute:
I posted two pictures so that you could see the design and see the project finished. It is finished on a beautiful piece of wood that is in the shape of a cutting board. I am going to busy if I want to get all this stuff finished by Christmas! On Sunday as we were packing up we all promised to bring all of these pieces finished. I had shared with the new girls about how much time I spend on the computer and not stitching so they made me promise them that I would stop doing that and switch for a needle and thread. I am going to do it. I miss my stitching. I'm sure that I will still use the computer as I need to write this blog and I'm sure that I will continue to play my game but not as a crazy person any more. My friend Karen on the way home told me that she wants to get together more to stitch and offered to walk with me how ever far I could walk. She is a walker so I am going to try and take her up on that. She also works a part-time job so we'll have to work it all out. She again loaded all my stuff up and we headed home. It was a fun weekend and I was able to care for myself but my knees surprised me and they really acted up. I called the Dr. today to see if I can take Advil with my Lovonox (blood thinner) and I'm waiting for a call. I had to cancel my appointment with Mark tomorrow and also my Remicade. Thursday is going to be a busy day for me. I have Anna, Kathy and then grab a sandwich and head to get my Remicade. It means that I have to drive home in the traffic and I hope my knees can take it by then. The Remicade nurse told me if I felt like I couldn't do it to call her and we would go for next week. She told me to ice my knees so I am dong that as I sit here and type. Believe it or not, it feels good.
So tomorrow, we get back to the journey. Today I am getting back on my eating schedule and have no desire to binge. I still for some strange reason don't feel like eating much. But I have some other things to share with you all that I haven't yet. Here is a hint: "It is all about Ed".
Till tomorrow...
Friday, March 22, 2013
PRAY! PRAY! PRAY!!!!
I am leaving today around 3:00 p.m. I am scared to death!!!! This is such a huge step for me to take but Anna, Kathy, my husband and the friend that I'm riding with all want me to go and think that I need it. I didn't sleep last night. I have all my hygiene items packed and pray that they all do what I need!!!! I have all my stitching gadgets and power cords packed. I'm fixing to leave to go and get my hair colored and done and then get back to pack the rest of my stuff. I could just throw-up!
I will tell you one thing, I am going to beat this illness, I am. Yesterday Kathy thinks that with all the emotions that are going on inside of me and not wanting to eat that I'm fixing to hit rock bottom. I feel like I am already there. My feelings inside of me don't have words to describe. I told her yesterday that I have had thoughts of becoming a anorexic and she told me that was o.k. it was still the same disease, same emotions just different response and she could handle it. I just want to unzip my fat body and step out! I'm suffocating inside!!!!
Pray for me!!!! Pray that I can eat more today! Kathy and Anna are real upset with me but I just can't eat. The thought of it makes me sick!
I'll write when I get back home. Love you all!
I will tell you one thing, I am going to beat this illness, I am. Yesterday Kathy thinks that with all the emotions that are going on inside of me and not wanting to eat that I'm fixing to hit rock bottom. I feel like I am already there. My feelings inside of me don't have words to describe. I told her yesterday that I have had thoughts of becoming a anorexic and she told me that was o.k. it was still the same disease, same emotions just different response and she could handle it. I just want to unzip my fat body and step out! I'm suffocating inside!!!!
Pray for me!!!! Pray that I can eat more today! Kathy and Anna are real upset with me but I just can't eat. The thought of it makes me sick!
I'll write when I get back home. Love you all!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Depression/Anxiety!!!!!!! OMG!
Since my last post I have been in such a state of depression and anxiety that I have been just going nuts! And yes, I am taking all my meds. This trip is driving me crazy, plus after my last post I have been totally embarrassed with what all I shared with you. It may have been too much information but over the last few days I have come to terms that it is what it is and it is very much a part of my life and what so many morbid obese people live with on daily basis. However, I know that this situation will be short lived for me because it will not take much more weight loss and this nightmare will be over for me and I will make sure that it never happens again.
I have been so sad, crying some, fretting a lot, eating and then starving, I have just been all over the place. I have not tracked my food as I have thought why bother. I'm not eating on schedule and I will say I have been more in a not want to eat mode than anything I'm sure that Kathy will have some good strong words for me Thursday. I'm sorry but I just can't get this turned around.
Yesterday, I realized that going on this trip just might not happen. I want to go so badly but not being able to properly care for myself away from home is the issue. I called Karen, my friend that I'm suppose to ride with and told her honestly what was going on and that I still had some more things to try. Yesterday I ordered from Amazon a couple of more devices that may help me be able to go. We'll see. I also called Pam who is having this retreat and told her what was going on. I had a more compassionate response from her than I did Karen, so her response has me real uncomfortable knowing that I'm also rooming with her. She was short and abrupt or at least that is how I felt.
I also talked to the lady that I ordered a device from last week that totally tore me up. She gave me some more tips to try. So, I have 4 things to work with in 3 days to make my decision. I'm still getting things ready to go because if I can I will. If it ends up that I can't go I just don't know what I'll do. Thinking about it makes me so terribly sad and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own home! This is awful! I would not wish this on anyone! I can also see how this mental state would drive someone to get so large that they really are a prisoner in their own home Luckily I have Anna and Kathy and so many people who love and care for me.
Today, I am going to go and try and have a pedicure done. This should be a wonderful thing or another nightmare if I can't fit in the chair or if I have a hard time moving my feet from the bowl to the area where they have to work on them. Kathy is holding me accountable to get this done. So today at 1:00 Central Time, say a prayer for me. I also need to go to Bath and Body Works to get a little gift for Karen for driving us and a Thank You card to put some gas money in. I also want to get one of their travel size room fresheners. I also need to go to Jo Ann's Fabric to get some straight pens with colored ends to help count the holes in my fabric as this is what you do to get started and trust me I usually spend way to much time doing this because I lose count! LOL! I still have the little gift that I need to take that I made last year and I want to go to a gift shop to see if they might have something really cute to put it in. Guys, this trip is so much fun I just have to be able to go!!!!
Bottom line, I hate myself so much. I've done a lot of thinking about where I was at when I had the website and down at my lowest weight. I just cry when I go into my closet and see my skinnier clothes. Why did this have to happen? I know that I don't have anyone else to blame except me. I did this to myself. I've had all year to be ready for this. It has only been the last 3 or 4 months since I have had this issue!!!!
All I can say is "GOD HELP ME!!!!!!"
I have been so sad, crying some, fretting a lot, eating and then starving, I have just been all over the place. I have not tracked my food as I have thought why bother. I'm not eating on schedule and I will say I have been more in a not want to eat mode than anything I'm sure that Kathy will have some good strong words for me Thursday. I'm sorry but I just can't get this turned around.
Yesterday, I realized that going on this trip just might not happen. I want to go so badly but not being able to properly care for myself away from home is the issue. I called Karen, my friend that I'm suppose to ride with and told her honestly what was going on and that I still had some more things to try. Yesterday I ordered from Amazon a couple of more devices that may help me be able to go. We'll see. I also called Pam who is having this retreat and told her what was going on. I had a more compassionate response from her than I did Karen, so her response has me real uncomfortable knowing that I'm also rooming with her. She was short and abrupt or at least that is how I felt.
I also talked to the lady that I ordered a device from last week that totally tore me up. She gave me some more tips to try. So, I have 4 things to work with in 3 days to make my decision. I'm still getting things ready to go because if I can I will. If it ends up that I can't go I just don't know what I'll do. Thinking about it makes me so terribly sad and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own home! This is awful! I would not wish this on anyone! I can also see how this mental state would drive someone to get so large that they really are a prisoner in their own home Luckily I have Anna and Kathy and so many people who love and care for me.
Today, I am going to go and try and have a pedicure done. This should be a wonderful thing or another nightmare if I can't fit in the chair or if I have a hard time moving my feet from the bowl to the area where they have to work on them. Kathy is holding me accountable to get this done. So today at 1:00 Central Time, say a prayer for me. I also need to go to Bath and Body Works to get a little gift for Karen for driving us and a Thank You card to put some gas money in. I also want to get one of their travel size room fresheners. I also need to go to Jo Ann's Fabric to get some straight pens with colored ends to help count the holes in my fabric as this is what you do to get started and trust me I usually spend way to much time doing this because I lose count! LOL! I still have the little gift that I need to take that I made last year and I want to go to a gift shop to see if they might have something really cute to put it in. Guys, this trip is so much fun I just have to be able to go!!!!
Bottom line, I hate myself so much. I've done a lot of thinking about where I was at when I had the website and down at my lowest weight. I just cry when I go into my closet and see my skinnier clothes. Why did this have to happen? I know that I don't have anyone else to blame except me. I did this to myself. I've had all year to be ready for this. It has only been the last 3 or 4 months since I have had this issue!!!!
All I can say is "GOD HELP ME!!!!!!"
Friday, March 15, 2013
Here's My 10 Day Check In!
I probably need to go back and read my last post to figure out where I was in catching you all up.
Basically the last few weeks have been really tough. After talking to my parents I had so many mixed feelings and things to work through. I have been able to set my boundaries with them which I thought was going to be tough but they had already decided that they were not going to discuss anymore about what I ate and how much I weighed. They just want us to be happy and enjoy our time together for whatever we have left. That makes me sad because each day they are still here is a blessing. I was so terrified that I would lose one of them during the ordeal that they but me through. I can confidently say that area of my life has been tough but is going good.
During that time of talking to my parents again my eating got out of control. I did not binge but I had periods of not wanting to eat which is bad for a binge eating disorder. I was not being mindful of how much I was eating. I had about a week of that and Kathy and I talked about the importance for me to eat and if I had to, to eat by the clock. I never could find what it took to do that. I was hitting and missing and all the while beating myself up.
I'm going on a cross-stitching retreat next Friday. That has been causing me some anxiety for months. I paid to go last year and it is the type of deal that you can't get your money back. You know I'm just going to be brutally honest here. I know some of my readers are thin, some are at goal, and the others I don't know anything about. But let me tell you when you weigh almost 400 lbs, life is not easy in the hygiene department. At least at home I have access to a shower with a hand held shower head and a husband who will help me. Away from this house scares me to death so that is why I stay on the computer and never really do anything. I'm scared to death to venture out of my comfort zone. Prior to my parents and I talking I had gotten to the point that I could care for myself pretty easily, now it is a issue again and it's one week away. My friend who is putting this all on has done everything humanly possible to help me. She even called to see if they had hand held shower heads in their handicap rooms. They don't but she is going to put me and the girl that I'm riding with in a handicap room. So now I'm fretting about going. I HATE THIS!!!! I have tried a sitz bath and that helps but it doesn't do the whole job. I called medical places to see if anything new is on the market to help the handicap and the severely obese. I can't tell you how many rude people I talked to. I asked one if she had heard how one item works and she abruptly told me that she doesn't know cause she doesn't have the problem. Don't you think "I'm sorry but we have no feedback on this product at this present time" would be a better thing to say. You know, dammit, I haven't always been fat. I have been skinny, but sometimes I would like to wish obesity on these skinny morons that have no compassion! Come on! Our country is in a major epidemic and there are going to be more people that will need understanding and compassion.
Anyway one of the products is called a Bottom Buddy. I had researched this once before and the reviews that I read was it was not very effective for the obese. Well, I got the strange notion to do a search on YouTube as you well know you can find just about anything on YouTube. Well when I did a search for the product another product popped up that I had never seen before and it was called the Freedom Wand and it did have a video and I watched it and I was amazed. The inventor just talked about it and showed you how many different ways it can be used from holding toilet paper to a razor and even one of those scrunchies to bathe with. Do you know how long it has been for me to be able to get all my back side. I was amazed. I called and the inventor answered the phone. I forgot to say she invented it after she was in a car accident and broke her back and she weighed 330 lbs. Anyway I told her who I was and then I started tearing up and I told her my predicament and asked her if the product really worked. She told me that she had sold it to several people who weighed 400 lbs and more and even had a few who weighed 700 lbs. At that point I knew that I had to order it. I had to find something that could help me on this trip or I would have to disappoint people and not go again this year. She told me that because I ordered through her that she would take it back if it didn't work for me. The other thing that is neat is that it comes apart and fits into a cloth case that sticks in your purse. She told me it was her saving grace when she had he accident and then she decided to produce them and sell them. She was so compassionate and understanding, so I'm waiting for it to arrive. The thing retails for $80 but they were on sale for $50 this week. If I can return it then what do I have to lose?!!! I want to go on this trip and not fret!
So with all the anxiety and my moods being all over the place I have had a hard time trying to even focus at getting out here and writing. I wanted to so many times but I just couldn't concentrate enough to get going. I didn't know where to start. I'm not sure where I've started today is a good place to start but I had to get something out here to let ya'll know what was going on. I have not binged constantly but I've not eaten on schedule, I've skipped meals which I know isn't good and more recently I have been wanting to starve myself to get the weight off so that I don't have so many issues. I will get you all caught up with all that Kathy had to say about this. This is the eating disorder rearing its ugly head. She told me that this was my first of many relapses and it is what we do with this one is what will help going down the road.
Finally I have someone who is going to help me get through this and learn from it. Someone who will help me understand it all. The more I work with Kathy the more I realize that I would never reach my goal in doing Weight Watchers. Dieting does not work with eating disorders. It just doesn't. Just today my friend Bobbie who has extremely high blood pressure and can't control her eating told me that she was starting over today. She was going to have 2 Protein shakes a day, one for breakfast and one for lunch and a sensible meal for dinner. I thought I was going to throw up! I'm telling you I thought my head was going to spin on my shoulders it made me so sick and so sad for her. I can look back and see all the times that I said and did the same thing and I had success but I've never been able to hold on to it. This process may be slow but I know that I will get there and I will learn to live with what life has thrown me.
Well, this is lengthy and it is after midnight and I must get some sleep. I want this out there tomorrow so that you all don't think that I don't care about you and that I have forgotten you, I have just been going through a tough learning time. I do have more to share and I will do that tomorrow. I want to share with you all that I'm learning. I want you all to follow me on this journey to finally reach my goal and find peace with food and my life. So hang in there with me. OK?
Basically the last few weeks have been really tough. After talking to my parents I had so many mixed feelings and things to work through. I have been able to set my boundaries with them which I thought was going to be tough but they had already decided that they were not going to discuss anymore about what I ate and how much I weighed. They just want us to be happy and enjoy our time together for whatever we have left. That makes me sad because each day they are still here is a blessing. I was so terrified that I would lose one of them during the ordeal that they but me through. I can confidently say that area of my life has been tough but is going good.
During that time of talking to my parents again my eating got out of control. I did not binge but I had periods of not wanting to eat which is bad for a binge eating disorder. I was not being mindful of how much I was eating. I had about a week of that and Kathy and I talked about the importance for me to eat and if I had to, to eat by the clock. I never could find what it took to do that. I was hitting and missing and all the while beating myself up.
I'm going on a cross-stitching retreat next Friday. That has been causing me some anxiety for months. I paid to go last year and it is the type of deal that you can't get your money back. You know I'm just going to be brutally honest here. I know some of my readers are thin, some are at goal, and the others I don't know anything about. But let me tell you when you weigh almost 400 lbs, life is not easy in the hygiene department. At least at home I have access to a shower with a hand held shower head and a husband who will help me. Away from this house scares me to death so that is why I stay on the computer and never really do anything. I'm scared to death to venture out of my comfort zone. Prior to my parents and I talking I had gotten to the point that I could care for myself pretty easily, now it is a issue again and it's one week away. My friend who is putting this all on has done everything humanly possible to help me. She even called to see if they had hand held shower heads in their handicap rooms. They don't but she is going to put me and the girl that I'm riding with in a handicap room. So now I'm fretting about going. I HATE THIS!!!! I have tried a sitz bath and that helps but it doesn't do the whole job. I called medical places to see if anything new is on the market to help the handicap and the severely obese. I can't tell you how many rude people I talked to. I asked one if she had heard how one item works and she abruptly told me that she doesn't know cause she doesn't have the problem. Don't you think "I'm sorry but we have no feedback on this product at this present time" would be a better thing to say. You know, dammit, I haven't always been fat. I have been skinny, but sometimes I would like to wish obesity on these skinny morons that have no compassion! Come on! Our country is in a major epidemic and there are going to be more people that will need understanding and compassion.
Anyway one of the products is called a Bottom Buddy. I had researched this once before and the reviews that I read was it was not very effective for the obese. Well, I got the strange notion to do a search on YouTube as you well know you can find just about anything on YouTube. Well when I did a search for the product another product popped up that I had never seen before and it was called the Freedom Wand and it did have a video and I watched it and I was amazed. The inventor just talked about it and showed you how many different ways it can be used from holding toilet paper to a razor and even one of those scrunchies to bathe with. Do you know how long it has been for me to be able to get all my back side. I was amazed. I called and the inventor answered the phone. I forgot to say she invented it after she was in a car accident and broke her back and she weighed 330 lbs. Anyway I told her who I was and then I started tearing up and I told her my predicament and asked her if the product really worked. She told me that she had sold it to several people who weighed 400 lbs and more and even had a few who weighed 700 lbs. At that point I knew that I had to order it. I had to find something that could help me on this trip or I would have to disappoint people and not go again this year. She told me that because I ordered through her that she would take it back if it didn't work for me. The other thing that is neat is that it comes apart and fits into a cloth case that sticks in your purse. She told me it was her saving grace when she had he accident and then she decided to produce them and sell them. She was so compassionate and understanding, so I'm waiting for it to arrive. The thing retails for $80 but they were on sale for $50 this week. If I can return it then what do I have to lose?!!! I want to go on this trip and not fret!
So with all the anxiety and my moods being all over the place I have had a hard time trying to even focus at getting out here and writing. I wanted to so many times but I just couldn't concentrate enough to get going. I didn't know where to start. I'm not sure where I've started today is a good place to start but I had to get something out here to let ya'll know what was going on. I have not binged constantly but I've not eaten on schedule, I've skipped meals which I know isn't good and more recently I have been wanting to starve myself to get the weight off so that I don't have so many issues. I will get you all caught up with all that Kathy had to say about this. This is the eating disorder rearing its ugly head. She told me that this was my first of many relapses and it is what we do with this one is what will help going down the road.
Finally I have someone who is going to help me get through this and learn from it. Someone who will help me understand it all. The more I work with Kathy the more I realize that I would never reach my goal in doing Weight Watchers. Dieting does not work with eating disorders. It just doesn't. Just today my friend Bobbie who has extremely high blood pressure and can't control her eating told me that she was starting over today. She was going to have 2 Protein shakes a day, one for breakfast and one for lunch and a sensible meal for dinner. I thought I was going to throw up! I'm telling you I thought my head was going to spin on my shoulders it made me so sick and so sad for her. I can look back and see all the times that I said and did the same thing and I had success but I've never been able to hold on to it. This process may be slow but I know that I will get there and I will learn to live with what life has thrown me.
Well, this is lengthy and it is after midnight and I must get some sleep. I want this out there tomorrow so that you all don't think that I don't care about you and that I have forgotten you, I have just been going through a tough learning time. I do have more to share and I will do that tomorrow. I want to share with you all that I'm learning. I want you all to follow me on this journey to finally reach my goal and find peace with food and my life. So hang in there with me. OK?
Monday, March 4, 2013
I'm Such A Liar!!!!!!!
I have really been trying to get my act together after reconnecting with my parents. It has been a tough road and I know that I owe you coverage of my last two meetings with Kathy and one with Anna. I'm not real sure how to go about it all there has been so much happen and maybe what I need to do is not try to sort it out but try to write to the best of my ability all that has happened and give you the important things that I have learned.
WARNING! This may be a long post! But it will be full of good information!
I had my back to back sessions with Anna and all we talked about was my phone calls with my parents. I was so missed up emotionally by what they said to me. I'll tell you briefly what happened and it will blow your mind. In December my Dad called and told me that "We have decided not to talk to you until you heal from your past". You can only imagine what I have gone through emotionally being a child who grew up not feeling loved by her parents. This was total confirmation of what I have felt all my life. My parents are a big part of my healing, how was I going to be able to heal with their help? When we talked I found out that I misinterpreted what they said. They said that they felt like I took that statement wrong because they hadn't heard from me and they figured I was mad and was going to show them. If they only knew how many times I though about ending my life. Their words to me when I called were "This could have ended a week after it started if you would have called. We had to use some tough love on you." O.M.G.!!!! Anna, Mark and Kathy all flipped out on this one. Let me tell you it totally flipped me out since I was so upset to the point I wanted to die because of the rejection I felt! There is so much more to this but that is the jest of everything. I don't want to spend write about 3 months of pain! Just trust me. I will say this and I told both my parents and team "Our relationship will never be the same. I don't trust my parents, I don't know what I can say or can't say because of fear of setting them off and I'm also scared of them." I have even more to work through now. So you can imagine the tears and crying that happened during that 2 hour session. I'm still working through it.
On to Kathy's visit...
Of course she wanted to hear about my visit to Anna and where I was emotionally. I ended the last blog stating that I was starting to play around with what I was doing. I was eating a few chips when I packed Mark's lunch and not recording it and I told Kathy what I was doing and I told her that I was getting bored with it all. She asked me if I had turned it into a diet and I sat there for a few minutes and realized that was exactly right. Eating the same breakfasts with dread, bored with the sandwich and chips, starting to eat out again too much and it felt like a cycle. She then gave me an analogy of being on the yellow brick road. She said that I had come to a split in the road and I had a choice to make. I could either go on the road leading to the right which would circle all they way back around to where I started or I could choose to take the left path and continue on. Let me tell you how my brain locked into that picture. It really caused me to think hard that next week as to where I was at and where was I going to go. What path would I chose? I knew down in my heart that I didn't want to go and have to do this same work all over again. That is what I hated about every single diet that failed me. I knew deep down in my heart that I wanted to continue on but what would I really do. Take the road most comfortable and cycle back around? It blew my mind for the week.
Another thing that she did was to get out a graph of the stages to recovery to a eating disorder. She wanted me to feel better and this is what she told me:
Stage 1 is the jagged line going up and this is where the eating disordered begins. She told me that she has no doubt with the history of my parents mine started in my childhood.
Stage 2 is Denial. This was all the years that I was in denial about my weight. I told her I can remember telling everyone that I couldn't understand why I was overweight because I just didn't eat that much. These were the years that I hid my binges and in my mind these episodes really didn't happen.
Stage 3 is all the years of dieting, gaining and losing weight, trying everything to get back to being normal.
Stage 4 is the jagged line going down and Kathy says that this is where I am at in my recovery. She said that the jagged line is accepting this disorder and realizing that dieting doesn't work and you need something more. She said this started when I called her and told her that I lost the same 100 pounds 3 times and I was one my fourth and that I didn't want to ever have to lose this same 100 lbs again! The jagged edge represents the journey of learning, of binging, of getting back on track and working hard till the process becomes second nature to me and the lapses of binging become very few and far between and I know exactly how to recover. She again told me that I would binge again and that I won't be free from it but I will learn how to manage the disease. She also told me that where I was at was totally up to me as to how hard I wanted to work to get to full recovery.
I just sat and cried as I couldn't believe that I was actually on the road to recovery. I'm telling you that was a big eye opener to me. I will never forget the graph she showed me out of a huge notebook that she called "her bible". This graph above was the closest I could find on the web. I wanted you to see it. Is that cool or what?
I left her office motivated. That night Mark and I went out to dinner and then to the grocery store to pick up a salad that Kathy told me about along with a tomato and a avacado for a different lunch and some things for some different snacks. It is still just so hard to lose that diet mindset. It's coming but I have to admit that I struggle with it. Kathy says that I have so much to undo and that I will make it. my weight has been stable and that is a good thing. She promises there will be a time where I will start losing it at record speed when I learn what mindful really is. I'm working on it and I have come a good long way. I will tell you that I love it more than dieting and fretting and "being bad". Kathy wants that word out of my vocabulary. I am NOT BAD!
I thought that I would catch you up over 2 weeks but I can see that it would be a novel. I am going to write during the day about this past week's visit and I will publish it tonight before I go to bed and we will be caught up again and continue this journey to recovery!
WARNING! This may be a long post! But it will be full of good information!
I had my back to back sessions with Anna and all we talked about was my phone calls with my parents. I was so missed up emotionally by what they said to me. I'll tell you briefly what happened and it will blow your mind. In December my Dad called and told me that "We have decided not to talk to you until you heal from your past". You can only imagine what I have gone through emotionally being a child who grew up not feeling loved by her parents. This was total confirmation of what I have felt all my life. My parents are a big part of my healing, how was I going to be able to heal with their help? When we talked I found out that I misinterpreted what they said. They said that they felt like I took that statement wrong because they hadn't heard from me and they figured I was mad and was going to show them. If they only knew how many times I though about ending my life. Their words to me when I called were "This could have ended a week after it started if you would have called. We had to use some tough love on you." O.M.G.!!!! Anna, Mark and Kathy all flipped out on this one. Let me tell you it totally flipped me out since I was so upset to the point I wanted to die because of the rejection I felt! There is so much more to this but that is the jest of everything. I don't want to spend write about 3 months of pain! Just trust me. I will say this and I told both my parents and team "Our relationship will never be the same. I don't trust my parents, I don't know what I can say or can't say because of fear of setting them off and I'm also scared of them." I have even more to work through now. So you can imagine the tears and crying that happened during that 2 hour session. I'm still working through it.
On to Kathy's visit...
Of course she wanted to hear about my visit to Anna and where I was emotionally. I ended the last blog stating that I was starting to play around with what I was doing. I was eating a few chips when I packed Mark's lunch and not recording it and I told Kathy what I was doing and I told her that I was getting bored with it all. She asked me if I had turned it into a diet and I sat there for a few minutes and realized that was exactly right. Eating the same breakfasts with dread, bored with the sandwich and chips, starting to eat out again too much and it felt like a cycle. She then gave me an analogy of being on the yellow brick road. She said that I had come to a split in the road and I had a choice to make. I could either go on the road leading to the right which would circle all they way back around to where I started or I could choose to take the left path and continue on. Let me tell you how my brain locked into that picture. It really caused me to think hard that next week as to where I was at and where was I going to go. What path would I chose? I knew down in my heart that I didn't want to go and have to do this same work all over again. That is what I hated about every single diet that failed me. I knew deep down in my heart that I wanted to continue on but what would I really do. Take the road most comfortable and cycle back around? It blew my mind for the week.
Another thing that she did was to get out a graph of the stages to recovery to a eating disorder. She wanted me to feel better and this is what she told me:
Stage 1 is the jagged line going up and this is where the eating disordered begins. She told me that she has no doubt with the history of my parents mine started in my childhood.
Stage 2 is Denial. This was all the years that I was in denial about my weight. I told her I can remember telling everyone that I couldn't understand why I was overweight because I just didn't eat that much. These were the years that I hid my binges and in my mind these episodes really didn't happen.
Stage 3 is all the years of dieting, gaining and losing weight, trying everything to get back to being normal.
Stage 4 is the jagged line going down and Kathy says that this is where I am at in my recovery. She said that the jagged line is accepting this disorder and realizing that dieting doesn't work and you need something more. She said this started when I called her and told her that I lost the same 100 pounds 3 times and I was one my fourth and that I didn't want to ever have to lose this same 100 lbs again! The jagged edge represents the journey of learning, of binging, of getting back on track and working hard till the process becomes second nature to me and the lapses of binging become very few and far between and I know exactly how to recover. She again told me that I would binge again and that I won't be free from it but I will learn how to manage the disease. She also told me that where I was at was totally up to me as to how hard I wanted to work to get to full recovery.
I just sat and cried as I couldn't believe that I was actually on the road to recovery. I'm telling you that was a big eye opener to me. I will never forget the graph she showed me out of a huge notebook that she called "her bible". This graph above was the closest I could find on the web. I wanted you to see it. Is that cool or what?
I left her office motivated. That night Mark and I went out to dinner and then to the grocery store to pick up a salad that Kathy told me about along with a tomato and a avacado for a different lunch and some things for some different snacks. It is still just so hard to lose that diet mindset. It's coming but I have to admit that I struggle with it. Kathy says that I have so much to undo and that I will make it. my weight has been stable and that is a good thing. She promises there will be a time where I will start losing it at record speed when I learn what mindful really is. I'm working on it and I have come a good long way. I will tell you that I love it more than dieting and fretting and "being bad". Kathy wants that word out of my vocabulary. I am NOT BAD!
I thought that I would catch you up over 2 weeks but I can see that it would be a novel. I am going to write during the day about this past week's visit and I will publish it tonight before I go to bed and we will be caught up again and continue this journey to recovery!
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