Kathy was well pleased that when I ate fast-food that I was getting out of my car and going in. You know what? It really makes you think about hungry you really are! I have to be real hungry to get out of my car and eat by myself in a fast-food place. However, I did do it! It felt weird but was very eye opening to me.
She had my food records open and could see that I had eaten a King Size Reese's Nutrageous one night late. She questioned me about it. I told her that Mark had gone out to fill my car up with gas and he had asked me if I wanted anything and I told him that I would like a candy bar. Well, Kathy kinda flipped on this one. She asked me how often does this happen and I told her that he is always asking me if I needed anything before he gets home from work or if he is running an errand in the evening Well, she told me that I was going to have a hard assignment this week. She told me that I was going to have to tell Mark that he could no longer ask me those types of questions. She was adamant about it. She told me that if I was at home and was cooking and truly needed something from the store that I could make a list and I needed to call him and ask him to bring home only the things on the list. He could not ask me anymore if I wanted anything. Boy, I can tell you that this was going to be a hard one because as long as Mark and I have been together he has always asked me if there was anything that I needed before he got home. Always! I told her that I would do it.
She also noticed that at breakfast I was still eating fast-food or not eating at all. She told me that needed to stop, that I needed to eat breakfast at home before I left home each day. We talked about some fast things that I could do. Peanut butter on a toasted English muffin, waffles, fruit and oatmeal but she wanted me to start having breakfast at home each day. I told her that I would do that.
We then talked about me feeling uncomfortable about not weighing and measuring. She told me that she wanted me to learn how to visually control my portions. I asked her for a copy of the plate that she showed me on my first visit. You can down load it from the Internet. I put it on my refrigerator so that I can look at it each day so that I can learn. She told me to put my scales up for now. This is really bothering this weigh and measure Queen! It is my nature, period! I just have to keep telling myself that she is the professional and that she knows exactly what I need to win this eating disorder.
When I got out to my car, I called Mark and gave him my talk. He was shocked but promised me that he would stop doing it. He asked me what was he suppose to do if I needed him to bring dinner home. I told him that he was going to have to wait for my call and tell him what to do. I told him bringing dinner home was o.k if I wasn't going to cook but if I told him to go to the store and get cookies he was to refuse. I told him that it had to be things that I needed to cook with. So far this has been working well. There has only been a couple of times that he has forgotten and I have had to remind him. I didn't know how I would feel about this but I can say that I'm seeing why she is having to do this and I'm starting to feel some freedom and control, which is a good thing.
So...ya'll are up to date as to where I am with Kathy. It will be interesting on what will be new next week when I see here I guess for now I will start sharing you the challenges that I face everyday along with the feelings and emotions that it all brings.
So..keep checking back. I plan to be out here everyday!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
2nd Visit With Kathy
Well, I thought I would get back sooner but I hit a slump after Stacey and Eyan left. Thank God that they were here for Christmas. I had a few meltdowns while they were here with this situation with my parents. It was hard to be around family hearing what they got from them and we didn't even get a card. Go figure. I'd be lying if I told you it doesn't hurt. It hurts a lot.
My second visit with Kathy was full of new things to think about and to put into action. When I got there she had my food records pulled up on her computer. She could see right off that I was eating a lot of fast food. I explained to her that it took me several days to get food in the house and then at night we loved going out and looking at lights and that pretty much caused us to eat out. She asked me to try and cut it down to only the evening meal and to try to eat breakfast, lunch and my snack at home. I told her that I would try. We discussed what I had going on during the week. I happened to have a lot of Dr.'s appointments so she talked to me about packing snacks and making sure that I always have something in my purse that I could go to in case I got caught out. She also told me that no longer could I drive through a fast food place without parking my car and going inside and eating my meal there. She said that there was not going to be any more eating in my car. We talked about the things that I ordered and she noticed that I always had fries. I explained to her that I normally just ordered combos because of "their deal". She looked at me and asked me if 70 cents were going to break me. I told her no and she told me to just order what I wanted and to stop ordering the deals. It made sense. It is amazing the habits that we get into and a mindset. So, I had all that stuck in my noggin. No more fast food in the car and to go in and eat and order what I wanted and not a deal. Of course she said that if I was wanting fries, she said to order a combo but to really think about what I was hungry for and make sure I got what I wanted.
We also talked some more about ditching the dieting mentality. She told me that she did not want any Weight Watcher products in my house. She wanted me to continue to work on letting go of points. I told her that I was still wanting to weigh and measure things and she told me to stop. I questioned her about how much meat to put on a sandwich and she told me to put some meat on my sandwich and when I ate it if I thought it didn't have enough then tomorrow put more on my sandwich and if I thought it had too much then lessen it the next day. Talk about freaking out in the head! I then asked her about chips. I asked her if I should weigh out a ounce of chips and she told me no to just take out the chips, get myself a handful of chips and put them on my plate and then to put the chips away. OMG! This was going to be hard. She told me that at some point in time we might start weighing food again but for now she wanted me to let it go. I asked her how did I know how many calories I was getting and she quickly told me that it was her job to worry about the calories and it was my job to do what she told me to do. OK, I got that down.
We talked about the next day as I had to work out at noon and then I had a Dr.'s appointment at 2:00. It was going to take me the whole hour to get to the Dr.'s. I worried about not getting lunch till 3 or after and being too hungry. We talked about it and she told me that I could either pack a lunch to take with me to eat once I got to the Dr.'s or I could take a snack and then eat after my appointment. She asked me what would I eat if I had to wait until I got through at the Dr.'s. I told her most likely it would be Chick-Fil-A and she told me again that I must park and go inside to eat. She asked me what I would pack for a snack and I told her that I still had some My Fit Food Protein Bars and Protein Cookies and she made a icky face and told me that I needed to get rid of them. She told me not to throw them away but asked me how much more did we have. I told her just a few things and she told me not to buy anymore of them. She said that there were healthier options.
So, we had the plan for the week, not to weigh or measure, for me to figure out what satisfied me and to stop eating in my car and if I chose fast-food that I had to get out of my car and go inside and eat my food inside the restaurant. Whoa, this was some big changes. I knew that it was going to be a challenge.
Oops I almost forgot one thing. I asked her if it was o.k. for Mark and I to get a cappuccino while we were out looking at lights. She told me no. She told me that we were having dinner and then going to look at lights. She did not want me to have anything else until time had passed and I needed a snack. She explained to me that I was correlating the cappuccino to looking at lights. I could see that so I could see a trend of mindless eating. That was a tough one because it was something that we always did. I knew that Mark was going to have a fit when I told him and he just about did. I told him that he could get one but that I had to stop. He is such a sweetie he gave them up too!
My second visit with Kathy was full of new things to think about and to put into action. When I got there she had my food records pulled up on her computer. She could see right off that I was eating a lot of fast food. I explained to her that it took me several days to get food in the house and then at night we loved going out and looking at lights and that pretty much caused us to eat out. She asked me to try and cut it down to only the evening meal and to try to eat breakfast, lunch and my snack at home. I told her that I would try. We discussed what I had going on during the week. I happened to have a lot of Dr.'s appointments so she talked to me about packing snacks and making sure that I always have something in my purse that I could go to in case I got caught out. She also told me that no longer could I drive through a fast food place without parking my car and going inside and eating my meal there. She said that there was not going to be any more eating in my car. We talked about the things that I ordered and she noticed that I always had fries. I explained to her that I normally just ordered combos because of "their deal". She looked at me and asked me if 70 cents were going to break me. I told her no and she told me to just order what I wanted and to stop ordering the deals. It made sense. It is amazing the habits that we get into and a mindset. So, I had all that stuck in my noggin. No more fast food in the car and to go in and eat and order what I wanted and not a deal. Of course she said that if I was wanting fries, she said to order a combo but to really think about what I was hungry for and make sure I got what I wanted.
We also talked some more about ditching the dieting mentality. She told me that she did not want any Weight Watcher products in my house. She wanted me to continue to work on letting go of points. I told her that I was still wanting to weigh and measure things and she told me to stop. I questioned her about how much meat to put on a sandwich and she told me to put some meat on my sandwich and when I ate it if I thought it didn't have enough then tomorrow put more on my sandwich and if I thought it had too much then lessen it the next day. Talk about freaking out in the head! I then asked her about chips. I asked her if I should weigh out a ounce of chips and she told me no to just take out the chips, get myself a handful of chips and put them on my plate and then to put the chips away. OMG! This was going to be hard. She told me that at some point in time we might start weighing food again but for now she wanted me to let it go. I asked her how did I know how many calories I was getting and she quickly told me that it was her job to worry about the calories and it was my job to do what she told me to do. OK, I got that down.
We talked about the next day as I had to work out at noon and then I had a Dr.'s appointment at 2:00. It was going to take me the whole hour to get to the Dr.'s. I worried about not getting lunch till 3 or after and being too hungry. We talked about it and she told me that I could either pack a lunch to take with me to eat once I got to the Dr.'s or I could take a snack and then eat after my appointment. She asked me what would I eat if I had to wait until I got through at the Dr.'s. I told her most likely it would be Chick-Fil-A and she told me again that I must park and go inside to eat. She asked me what I would pack for a snack and I told her that I still had some My Fit Food Protein Bars and Protein Cookies and she made a icky face and told me that I needed to get rid of them. She told me not to throw them away but asked me how much more did we have. I told her just a few things and she told me not to buy anymore of them. She said that there were healthier options.
So, we had the plan for the week, not to weigh or measure, for me to figure out what satisfied me and to stop eating in my car and if I chose fast-food that I had to get out of my car and go inside and eat my food inside the restaurant. Whoa, this was some big changes. I knew that it was going to be a challenge.
Oops I almost forgot one thing. I asked her if it was o.k. for Mark and I to get a cappuccino while we were out looking at lights. She told me no. She told me that we were having dinner and then going to look at lights. She did not want me to have anything else until time had passed and I needed a snack. She explained to me that I was correlating the cappuccino to looking at lights. I could see that so I could see a trend of mindless eating. That was a tough one because it was something that we always did. I knew that Mark was going to have a fit when I told him and he just about did. I told him that he could get one but that I had to stop. He is such a sweetie he gave them up too!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Busy!
I hate to do this but our daughter Stacey is coming in today and I'm so busy getting ready for her and Eyan's visit. I'm going to take a few days off from blogging. I'll be back after Christmas to continue all that I'm learning from Kathy.
May each of you have a Very Blessed Christmas! Enjoy your family! Don't forget the reason of the season JESUS!
May each of you have a Very Blessed Christmas! Enjoy your family! Don't forget the reason of the season JESUS!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Kathy's First Visit
I was pretty nervous driving up to the Woodlands to see Kathy for the first time. I didn't know what to expect. I had a hard time finding her office but luckily I was on time. It is in a big complex with several buildings and of course her building is tucked in the very back corner and you can't see it from the main parking lot.
I got to her suite and sat in the waiting room by myself. She came out and introduced herself and had me fill out some paperwork. She then called me back to her office and we started talking all about my dieting history. I don't think that she was expecting it to be so extensive! LOL! It took us most of the appointment to talk about all that I had done, Weight Watchers, fad diets, Weight Watchers, Optifast, JoAnn, surgery, Weigh Down, Weight Watchers, My Fit Foods. She told me that she could tell that I was a professional dieter and she was sure that I knew how to keep a good journal and weigh and measure my food. She said that she would rank me in the top 10 of her clients. LOL!
She went on to tell me that she did not believe in diets. She told me that people with eating disorders do not need rules. Rules can make you binge. She said that her approach was that all food was good food and there was no bad foods. She pulled out a copy of the newest food pyramid, you know the one that looks like a plate, and she told me that she wanted me to eat 3 meals a day and wanted me to structure my meals to look like that plate. She also told me that she wanted me to have 2 snacks a day and that I could decide when I wanted them. She told me that the snacks should consist of two things. She said "like strawberries and yogurt" or "some almonds with fruit" but the snacks must consist of "two somethings". I told her that I could do that.
She also gave me about 8 pages for me to work on for my next visit. It was a listing of foods, next to the foods were six columns. They were: Like, Dislike, Safe, Not Safe, Binge, Binge and Purge. She told me the Safe and Not Safe columns were for foods that dieting taught me were safe foods to eat and foods that I should avoid. Humm...I thought to myself, this is going to be interesting and this is going to take some time because of the like, dislike, safe and not safe columns. At least I had a week to work on the list.
She then told me about how she wanted me to Journal my food. She told me that there was a App that I could download if I had a smart phone and if I didn't I could get to it on-line. It is called Recovery Record. She pulled it up on her computer so that I could see what it looked like. As we talked I downloaded it to my phone to make sure that I had the right one. The app is for Droid or Apple. I really encourage you to take a look at it. It is really cool. It asks you questions like if you are angry, sad, joyful, guilty and you rate how much, you can journal your thoughts and feels and it gives you a place for you to type in what you have eaten. Kathy gave me her client code to plug into my App which allows her to be able to access my records at any time and see how I am doing. Pretty cool isn't it. It also gives you some encouragements after you log your meals. It is very uplifting. It will also email you encouragements from other users using the App but the App does it all and it assigns you a incognito name. I have really enjoyed the App and getting the encouragements. They have been great!
So she asked me if I had any questions and I asked her again about weighing and measuring and she told me to try and not to. So I told her o.k. I would try. She also told me that if she had to she would get after me which I thought was great because I'm paying her lots of money. She told me that if it upset me to remember that I said many times during our visit that "I want to be healthy!" We ended our session there.
I went through that week feeling all kind of guilty. We still ate out as I had a hard time getting to the store and getting "proper food" into the house. It is also the time of year where Mark and I love to go out and look at Christmas lights so that means eating out a lot! I finally got to the store and I'm telling you I barely made it all the way through and got checked out and back to the car. I cried all the way home because I was in so much pain. I called Mark and told him and he talked and calmed me down and assured me that if I couldn't get the cold stuff in and put up that he would come home and do it. However, I sat in the car for a few minutes and I managed to get everything out of my SUV and into the house and put up. I was exhausted and my knees and ankles were killing me!
I kept up with my journal and I logged my thoughts and feelings and I was ready to see Kathy the next week good or bad. I know that this is going to be a learning process. It is going to be a interesting, yet different journey!
I got to her suite and sat in the waiting room by myself. She came out and introduced herself and had me fill out some paperwork. She then called me back to her office and we started talking all about my dieting history. I don't think that she was expecting it to be so extensive! LOL! It took us most of the appointment to talk about all that I had done, Weight Watchers, fad diets, Weight Watchers, Optifast, JoAnn, surgery, Weigh Down, Weight Watchers, My Fit Foods. She told me that she could tell that I was a professional dieter and she was sure that I knew how to keep a good journal and weigh and measure my food. She said that she would rank me in the top 10 of her clients. LOL!
She went on to tell me that she did not believe in diets. She told me that people with eating disorders do not need rules. Rules can make you binge. She said that her approach was that all food was good food and there was no bad foods. She pulled out a copy of the newest food pyramid, you know the one that looks like a plate, and she told me that she wanted me to eat 3 meals a day and wanted me to structure my meals to look like that plate. She also told me that she wanted me to have 2 snacks a day and that I could decide when I wanted them. She told me that the snacks should consist of two things. She said "like strawberries and yogurt" or "some almonds with fruit" but the snacks must consist of "two somethings". I told her that I could do that.
She also gave me about 8 pages for me to work on for my next visit. It was a listing of foods, next to the foods were six columns. They were: Like, Dislike, Safe, Not Safe, Binge, Binge and Purge. She told me the Safe and Not Safe columns were for foods that dieting taught me were safe foods to eat and foods that I should avoid. Humm...I thought to myself, this is going to be interesting and this is going to take some time because of the like, dislike, safe and not safe columns. At least I had a week to work on the list.
She then told me about how she wanted me to Journal my food. She told me that there was a App that I could download if I had a smart phone and if I didn't I could get to it on-line. It is called Recovery Record. She pulled it up on her computer so that I could see what it looked like. As we talked I downloaded it to my phone to make sure that I had the right one. The app is for Droid or Apple. I really encourage you to take a look at it. It is really cool. It asks you questions like if you are angry, sad, joyful, guilty and you rate how much, you can journal your thoughts and feels and it gives you a place for you to type in what you have eaten. Kathy gave me her client code to plug into my App which allows her to be able to access my records at any time and see how I am doing. Pretty cool isn't it. It also gives you some encouragements after you log your meals. It is very uplifting. It will also email you encouragements from other users using the App but the App does it all and it assigns you a incognito name. I have really enjoyed the App and getting the encouragements. They have been great!
So she asked me if I had any questions and I asked her again about weighing and measuring and she told me to try and not to. So I told her o.k. I would try. She also told me that if she had to she would get after me which I thought was great because I'm paying her lots of money. She told me that if it upset me to remember that I said many times during our visit that "I want to be healthy!" We ended our session there.
I went through that week feeling all kind of guilty. We still ate out as I had a hard time getting to the store and getting "proper food" into the house. It is also the time of year where Mark and I love to go out and look at Christmas lights so that means eating out a lot! I finally got to the store and I'm telling you I barely made it all the way through and got checked out and back to the car. I cried all the way home because I was in so much pain. I called Mark and told him and he talked and calmed me down and assured me that if I couldn't get the cold stuff in and put up that he would come home and do it. However, I sat in the car for a few minutes and I managed to get everything out of my SUV and into the house and put up. I was exhausted and my knees and ankles were killing me!
I kept up with my journal and I logged my thoughts and feelings and I was ready to see Kathy the next week good or bad. I know that this is going to be a learning process. It is going to be a interesting, yet different journey!
Monday, December 17, 2012
Back To It!
I'm still reeling but I know that I must go on! Dang this is just smarts! I would covet your prayers as I find my way through this mess with my parents!
Now on with the story...
The day after seeing Anna I was doing a lot of thinking about my upcoming appointment with Kathy. It brought back memories of working with my Optifast Dietican Dr. JoAnn Lichten. I loved working with her. She taught me a lot. Anyway, I went out to her website and I found all kinds of little videos that she has done from TV segments and starting watching them. They were great. She talked about eating at different fast-food restaurants and what to eat. There were other videos about other things. I spent the afternoon watching away and by the evening I decided that I would call her and let her know what was going on in my life. We have always kept in touch over the years. I love her to pieces! Every time she writes a book she sends me a autographed copy. I was seeing her when she wrote her first book Dining Lean and she has since updated it many times. JoAnn is no longer seeing clients but she travels all over the country giving talks and she is writing a new book right now called Re-boot! I know that it will be great!
I called but I was expecting to get her answering machine because I knew that the number I had was her business. She shocked me by answering the phone. She saw my name and grabbed it. How lucky was that? Anyway she asked what I was up to and I brought her up to speed about me quitting Weight Watchers, wanting to learn how to eat clean, eating My Fit Foods and that I was headed back to seeing a private dietician. I told her about Kathy. She didn't know Kathy but I told her that Kathy knew about her. She chuckled.
JoAnn, proceeded to tell me that diets don't work and I told her that was the same thing that Kathy stood for. I told her that she was a specialist in eating disorders and then JoAnn shocked me by saying "I didn't know you have an eating disorder. Why didn't you ever tell me?" I reminded her of where I was when I last saw her and that I was in the "I don't know why I'm so fat because I don't eat very much." denial mode. She was so disappointed that I couldn't tell her. She goes on to tell me that she too has a eating disorder and she could have helped me. OMG! I about died to think that back in 1989 if I could have admitted that I was binging that she could have helped me.
JoAnn told me that she remembered that I had problems with my mom growing up. I confirmed that and she asked me if she had ever told me her story. I told her no. She told me a similar story to my own that involved her Father. She told me that when she was old enough to leave home she got as far away from him as she could. They too have had problems in their relationship as adults. She told me that recently she had to set a pretty tough boundary with her parents She told me that they were no longer welome into her home. She told me that she would see them and visit with them but that they could no longer stay at her house. She shared with me that they were fixing to come for a visit and she was hoping that they would remember their conversation otherwise she was prepared to tell them again. She told me self protection and boundaries were important!
She went on to tell me that eating disorders derive from things missing in one's life. That is why people turn to food because they are trying to fill that need. She said for her it was the lack of positive connection from her Father. She asked me if we had ever talked about affirmations and told her that I didn't remember. She told me that she had to make a list of things that she wished that her Dad could have said to her. Things like, she's beautiful, she's smart, she is talented, she is witty and the list went on. She told me that she had to write it all out and learn it. She said that when her desire was to go eat when she was down and feeling bad she would go and take a walk and repeat her affirmations. She also offered me the tid bit that if the weather was bad that the shower worked well also because you can't eat food in a shower. That blew me away. I had never heard of such a thing! I told JoAnn that she should have been a psychologist and she laughed at me. She said that it ended her binge eating She told me that diets don't work with people who have eating disorders because taking away things and making them "not good" will cause someone to eat "bad" when the sad, stressful times come. It all made so much sense to me. I was blown away. We talked a few minutes about other stuff and we hung up. She also told me clean eating is a diet because of all the rules. She said that chemicals were not going to kill me. Interesting that she called it a diet but I can kinda see that. The jury is out in the chemical part though.
I couldn't quit thinking about JoAnn's affirmation list. It just made so much sense to me. Thoughts started pour through my brain of things that I wished I could have heard from my parents but I never did. I told myself that this is something that I need to tell Anna about and it was something that I wanted to explore. I really think that this could be part of the missing link for me.
I went through the weekend and the following week thinking about the things that JoAnn told me. I didn't keep my food log like Kathy asked me to. I emailed her and told her that I hadn't and she wrote me back and said that it was o.k. I was excited about seeing her and seeing what she was going to have to say to me.
Stay tuned....
Now on with the story...
The day after seeing Anna I was doing a lot of thinking about my upcoming appointment with Kathy. It brought back memories of working with my Optifast Dietican Dr. JoAnn Lichten. I loved working with her. She taught me a lot. Anyway, I went out to her website and I found all kinds of little videos that she has done from TV segments and starting watching them. They were great. She talked about eating at different fast-food restaurants and what to eat. There were other videos about other things. I spent the afternoon watching away and by the evening I decided that I would call her and let her know what was going on in my life. We have always kept in touch over the years. I love her to pieces! Every time she writes a book she sends me a autographed copy. I was seeing her when she wrote her first book Dining Lean and she has since updated it many times. JoAnn is no longer seeing clients but she travels all over the country giving talks and she is writing a new book right now called Re-boot! I know that it will be great!
I called but I was expecting to get her answering machine because I knew that the number I had was her business. She shocked me by answering the phone. She saw my name and grabbed it. How lucky was that? Anyway she asked what I was up to and I brought her up to speed about me quitting Weight Watchers, wanting to learn how to eat clean, eating My Fit Foods and that I was headed back to seeing a private dietician. I told her about Kathy. She didn't know Kathy but I told her that Kathy knew about her. She chuckled.
JoAnn, proceeded to tell me that diets don't work and I told her that was the same thing that Kathy stood for. I told her that she was a specialist in eating disorders and then JoAnn shocked me by saying "I didn't know you have an eating disorder. Why didn't you ever tell me?" I reminded her of where I was when I last saw her and that I was in the "I don't know why I'm so fat because I don't eat very much." denial mode. She was so disappointed that I couldn't tell her. She goes on to tell me that she too has a eating disorder and she could have helped me. OMG! I about died to think that back in 1989 if I could have admitted that I was binging that she could have helped me.
JoAnn told me that she remembered that I had problems with my mom growing up. I confirmed that and she asked me if she had ever told me her story. I told her no. She told me a similar story to my own that involved her Father. She told me that when she was old enough to leave home she got as far away from him as she could. They too have had problems in their relationship as adults. She told me that recently she had to set a pretty tough boundary with her parents She told me that they were no longer welome into her home. She told me that she would see them and visit with them but that they could no longer stay at her house. She shared with me that they were fixing to come for a visit and she was hoping that they would remember their conversation otherwise she was prepared to tell them again. She told me self protection and boundaries were important!
She went on to tell me that eating disorders derive from things missing in one's life. That is why people turn to food because they are trying to fill that need. She said for her it was the lack of positive connection from her Father. She asked me if we had ever talked about affirmations and told her that I didn't remember. She told me that she had to make a list of things that she wished that her Dad could have said to her. Things like, she's beautiful, she's smart, she is talented, she is witty and the list went on. She told me that she had to write it all out and learn it. She said that when her desire was to go eat when she was down and feeling bad she would go and take a walk and repeat her affirmations. She also offered me the tid bit that if the weather was bad that the shower worked well also because you can't eat food in a shower. That blew me away. I had never heard of such a thing! I told JoAnn that she should have been a psychologist and she laughed at me. She said that it ended her binge eating She told me that diets don't work with people who have eating disorders because taking away things and making them "not good" will cause someone to eat "bad" when the sad, stressful times come. It all made so much sense to me. I was blown away. We talked a few minutes about other stuff and we hung up. She also told me clean eating is a diet because of all the rules. She said that chemicals were not going to kill me. Interesting that she called it a diet but I can kinda see that. The jury is out in the chemical part though.
I couldn't quit thinking about JoAnn's affirmation list. It just made so much sense to me. Thoughts started pour through my brain of things that I wished I could have heard from my parents but I never did. I told myself that this is something that I need to tell Anna about and it was something that I wanted to explore. I really think that this could be part of the missing link for me.
I went through the weekend and the following week thinking about the things that JoAnn told me. I didn't keep my food log like Kathy asked me to. I emailed her and told her that I hadn't and she wrote me back and said that it was o.k. I was excited about seeing her and seeing what she was going to have to say to me.
Stay tuned....
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Sidetracked!!!
I'm sorry but I feel like I need to write about this. I think that I
have had the worse day of my life. I recently wrote about having the
worse Thanksgiving and visit with my parents but it really didn't end
there. After they went home my mother and I had some bad phone
conversations. I don't know for the life of me why she is so negative
and has such venom. One conversation I had was her telling me that they
were not going to come back Christmas. I was o.k. with that being that
they had just been here and having gone through all that I did when
they were here. I simply made the comment that I would mail them their
packages and she went off on me, telling me how ridiculous that was and
how they didn't need anything and how they didn't want to exchange gifts
at Christmas. Well, I'm here to tell you that I don't give to receive,
I give because I'm led to give and my gift is giving and I give to
people that I love and care about all the time. Ask my friends.
Anyway, I was shocked and furious about how she was going on so I ended
the conversation before it had a chance to get worse or I said something
I would regret. That week we had a couple more conversations not on
that topic but they ended up with her attacking me.
Last Sunday, my Dad and I were talking and we got into a heated conversation about Thanksgiving and all that happened. It escalated to my mother and the ordeal about Christmas. It went to other things besides that. I think that I had written about either on the website way back when that I grew up feeling like my parents loved my brother more than me and at times I felt like they didn't love me at all. Well, my Dad and I got on this subject and it was pretty intense. I didn't hold back any of my feelings because that is what counseling has taught me. When I was young my Dad worked shift-work and he wasn't around all that much. It pretty much left my mother in control all the time. She was difficult all the time. I know as an adult that my mother has problems and has needed counseling. All of this my Dad and I discussed. We talked about all the negative comments that she use to tell me as a child such as "I'd be pretty if I wore make-up", "Why didn't I want to dress up like Brenda (my best friend)" things like that. This has continued to adulthood worrying about what I'm wearing on a Alaskan cruise that my parents took us on for their 50th wedding anniversary, what was I wearing to my nieces wedding, she told me she was ashamed of me and the way I looked. I never got any warm fuzzies from my mother. Needless to say for some dumb reason she decided to pick up another phone while my Dad and I were talking and she heard all that I had to say. I said nice things and not so nice things. I've been angry since Thanksgiving.
Last week, my Dad and I ended our conversation with my decision that wouldn't call early in the morning like I normally do. My mom is not in a good mood when she gets up and frankly I feel like she is never in a god mood. I must tell you that she bitches at my Dad 24-7 because he can't do anything right and he is a pain in her ass. My poor Dad! So, we pretty much wrapped up our conversation and hung up.
I didn't call this week till Friday around noon as I was fixing to get ready to go to the Dr. They didn't answer so I left a message. It was real strange but they didn't call back. Yesterday I tried calling around noon and I got the recorder but I didn't leave a message. I called around 3 and my Dad answered the phone. Here is my devastation...
After we said "Hello" and I asked how they were and that I thought it was odd that they didn't return my call, my Dad informs me that they had a horrible week. He tells me that during our last conversation Mom picked up the phone and listened to it all. He said it was not good when we hung up and that my mother was devastated. He goes on to tell me that they had come to the decision that they had been good parents to me and that I was the one screwed up. He told me that until I healed that they did not want to hear from me again. That's right, you read that right, they do no want to hear from me again. I held my composure and I don't know how. I did cry a little and I'm feeling intense pain. I told my Dad that they just put the icing on my cake. I really do feel like they don't love me, haven't loved me, wonder why they had me. I have so many screwed up thoughts going on in my head right now. But get this, my Dad tells me that if I need anything to call. Call? You are telling me not to call until I heal, that you have never done anything wrong in my life, that I am the one full of crap but if I need anything to call. I don't freaking think so. I tried telling my Dad that even Mark could see how different they treated me when my brother is around. He would hear it, he just told me that I was full of crap. I ended up handing the phone to Mark and Mark and my Dad talked and I just continued to spiral down to the pit of hell.
I can tell you my first words to Mark was that I was going to commit suicide. The pain was that bad. I wanted to go and drive my car up a telephone pole. It doesn't help that I have my depression meds messed up and I'm on a low dosage right now working my way back up. I asked Mark if he was pulled in behind me and he told me no and I told him that I was going to go and take a drive. Luckily I sat here for a bit and not sure how but I fell asleep for a while. I guess it was the grace of God. I woke up extremely sad and broken. What a Christmas! What a day!
I did text Anna and told her what happened. She is booked this week but told me that if I needed her to call her. She told me that she would call me if she had a cancellation. She told me that she thinks that my parents are angry right now but she thinks that ultimately they will still be in my life but in a healthier way. Well, I hope she is right. Right now all I can think about is them not wanting to hear from me and then one of them dying or both under these circumstances. What do I say to my brother and my nieces about this. If my parents come up that I can't be there? All kinds of strange thoughts and feelings are running through my head.
Mark did get me out of the house for pizza and to go look at Christmas lights. I did eat a half of a large pizza and a half of a one pound bag of peanut M&M's. I think that will be all to my binging. Pray for my hurting heart.
I'll be back on track tomorrow when I tell you more about Kathy and my new journey. Thanks for letting me share.
Last Sunday, my Dad and I were talking and we got into a heated conversation about Thanksgiving and all that happened. It escalated to my mother and the ordeal about Christmas. It went to other things besides that. I think that I had written about either on the website way back when that I grew up feeling like my parents loved my brother more than me and at times I felt like they didn't love me at all. Well, my Dad and I got on this subject and it was pretty intense. I didn't hold back any of my feelings because that is what counseling has taught me. When I was young my Dad worked shift-work and he wasn't around all that much. It pretty much left my mother in control all the time. She was difficult all the time. I know as an adult that my mother has problems and has needed counseling. All of this my Dad and I discussed. We talked about all the negative comments that she use to tell me as a child such as "I'd be pretty if I wore make-up", "Why didn't I want to dress up like Brenda (my best friend)" things like that. This has continued to adulthood worrying about what I'm wearing on a Alaskan cruise that my parents took us on for their 50th wedding anniversary, what was I wearing to my nieces wedding, she told me she was ashamed of me and the way I looked. I never got any warm fuzzies from my mother. Needless to say for some dumb reason she decided to pick up another phone while my Dad and I were talking and she heard all that I had to say. I said nice things and not so nice things. I've been angry since Thanksgiving.
Last week, my Dad and I ended our conversation with my decision that wouldn't call early in the morning like I normally do. My mom is not in a good mood when she gets up and frankly I feel like she is never in a god mood. I must tell you that she bitches at my Dad 24-7 because he can't do anything right and he is a pain in her ass. My poor Dad! So, we pretty much wrapped up our conversation and hung up.
I didn't call this week till Friday around noon as I was fixing to get ready to go to the Dr. They didn't answer so I left a message. It was real strange but they didn't call back. Yesterday I tried calling around noon and I got the recorder but I didn't leave a message. I called around 3 and my Dad answered the phone. Here is my devastation...
After we said "Hello" and I asked how they were and that I thought it was odd that they didn't return my call, my Dad informs me that they had a horrible week. He tells me that during our last conversation Mom picked up the phone and listened to it all. He said it was not good when we hung up and that my mother was devastated. He goes on to tell me that they had come to the decision that they had been good parents to me and that I was the one screwed up. He told me that until I healed that they did not want to hear from me again. That's right, you read that right, they do no want to hear from me again. I held my composure and I don't know how. I did cry a little and I'm feeling intense pain. I told my Dad that they just put the icing on my cake. I really do feel like they don't love me, haven't loved me, wonder why they had me. I have so many screwed up thoughts going on in my head right now. But get this, my Dad tells me that if I need anything to call. Call? You are telling me not to call until I heal, that you have never done anything wrong in my life, that I am the one full of crap but if I need anything to call. I don't freaking think so. I tried telling my Dad that even Mark could see how different they treated me when my brother is around. He would hear it, he just told me that I was full of crap. I ended up handing the phone to Mark and Mark and my Dad talked and I just continued to spiral down to the pit of hell.
I can tell you my first words to Mark was that I was going to commit suicide. The pain was that bad. I wanted to go and drive my car up a telephone pole. It doesn't help that I have my depression meds messed up and I'm on a low dosage right now working my way back up. I asked Mark if he was pulled in behind me and he told me no and I told him that I was going to go and take a drive. Luckily I sat here for a bit and not sure how but I fell asleep for a while. I guess it was the grace of God. I woke up extremely sad and broken. What a Christmas! What a day!
I did text Anna and told her what happened. She is booked this week but told me that if I needed her to call her. She told me that she would call me if she had a cancellation. She told me that she thinks that my parents are angry right now but she thinks that ultimately they will still be in my life but in a healthier way. Well, I hope she is right. Right now all I can think about is them not wanting to hear from me and then one of them dying or both under these circumstances. What do I say to my brother and my nieces about this. If my parents come up that I can't be there? All kinds of strange thoughts and feelings are running through my head.
Mark did get me out of the house for pizza and to go look at Christmas lights. I did eat a half of a large pizza and a half of a one pound bag of peanut M&M's. I think that will be all to my binging. Pray for my hurting heart.
I'll be back on track tomorrow when I tell you more about Kathy and my new journey. Thanks for letting me share.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Finding Kathy!
So after reeling and binging, I knew that I had to do something. I seriously thought about returning to Weight Watchers but I just could not get my head wrapped around it again. I knew that I didn't have to go back to Mike's class and that there were others out there but just going back to something that I felt like had stopped working for me was just too much to handle. I pondered about other programs but the thought of any more packaged dinners also didn't ease my mind.
One afternoon I decided to search for a Nutritionist. I thought maybe I should just bite the bullet and work with someone that could definitely get me on the track to "Clean Eating". I Googled "Woodlands Nutritionist" and a few popped up. The first one that I looked at sounded really interesting. She was with a "Wellness Group". That didn't bother me if I could see her without doing all the other "Wellness" stuff that they offered. The attraction to this one was that she offered "modules" that you could take, such as "Good Carbs/Bad Carbs", "Grocery Shopping", "What's in our Food", "Obstacles in Weight Loss", "Making the Lifestyle Change" and more. I felt like I could take all of those modules, so I emailed them to find out pricing information. They emailed me back pretty quickly and the pricing wasn't terrible so I called to ask further questions. When setting up the appointment, they asked me what medications I was on. As I went down the list the girl kept telling me that they could get me off of them. That was huge red flags for me. I'm not into holistic medicine at all I kept telling her that I just wanted to talk to the nutritionist nnd she kept telling me that I could but that I would have to become an established patient first. She emailed me a couple of articles on Thyroid function and Adrenal Glands, along with all the paperwork that I would need to fill out and bring with me. I could see very plainly that this was going to get me into something that I did not want so I emailed them back and cancelled my appointment.
I felt lost again. Dang, I felt like that would have been such a great place to get some great help. The modules is what got my interest the most. I went back out to Google again and searched for Woodlands Dietician and The Woodlands Eating Disorder Clinic came up. Low and behold it was a clinic that Anna told me about last Spring when I was thinking about going into rehab. I clicked on their Nutrition Tab and there was Kathy Veath, a RN plus a Nutritionist, had 12 years in treating people with eating disorders, the thing that stood out for me was "Binging". I thought to myself, but again I have to get involved in the whole clinic and I already have Anna and I didn't want to give her up so I went back to my Google page and there was Kathy's name separate from the clinic. Low and behold she sees people outside of the clinic. I was so excited. I read her full website and I knew that I was on to something really good. I emailed Kathy to find out her pricing and to get more information. I didn't hear back from her till late that night. She is expensive as it was $120 for the first visit and then each visit is $80. Stated that insurance may not cover it.
The next day I had Anna so I called Kathy on the way to see Anna. I was able to get an appointment for the following Wednesday. She just asked me to keep a food journal and bring it with me. When I told Anna about what I was doing she was happy as well.
So...tomorrow I will fill you in on one more thing that happened before seeing Kathy for the first time and my first visit with Kathy. It will be good so stop back by.
One afternoon I decided to search for a Nutritionist. I thought maybe I should just bite the bullet and work with someone that could definitely get me on the track to "Clean Eating". I Googled "Woodlands Nutritionist" and a few popped up. The first one that I looked at sounded really interesting. She was with a "Wellness Group". That didn't bother me if I could see her without doing all the other "Wellness" stuff that they offered. The attraction to this one was that she offered "modules" that you could take, such as "Good Carbs/Bad Carbs", "Grocery Shopping", "What's in our Food", "Obstacles in Weight Loss", "Making the Lifestyle Change" and more. I felt like I could take all of those modules, so I emailed them to find out pricing information. They emailed me back pretty quickly and the pricing wasn't terrible so I called to ask further questions. When setting up the appointment, they asked me what medications I was on. As I went down the list the girl kept telling me that they could get me off of them. That was huge red flags for me. I'm not into holistic medicine at all I kept telling her that I just wanted to talk to the nutritionist nnd she kept telling me that I could but that I would have to become an established patient first. She emailed me a couple of articles on Thyroid function and Adrenal Glands, along with all the paperwork that I would need to fill out and bring with me. I could see very plainly that this was going to get me into something that I did not want so I emailed them back and cancelled my appointment.
I felt lost again. Dang, I felt like that would have been such a great place to get some great help. The modules is what got my interest the most. I went back out to Google again and searched for Woodlands Dietician and The Woodlands Eating Disorder Clinic came up. Low and behold it was a clinic that Anna told me about last Spring when I was thinking about going into rehab. I clicked on their Nutrition Tab and there was Kathy Veath, a RN plus a Nutritionist, had 12 years in treating people with eating disorders, the thing that stood out for me was "Binging". I thought to myself, but again I have to get involved in the whole clinic and I already have Anna and I didn't want to give her up so I went back to my Google page and there was Kathy's name separate from the clinic. Low and behold she sees people outside of the clinic. I was so excited. I read her full website and I knew that I was on to something really good. I emailed Kathy to find out her pricing and to get more information. I didn't hear back from her till late that night. She is expensive as it was $120 for the first visit and then each visit is $80. Stated that insurance may not cover it.
The next day I had Anna so I called Kathy on the way to see Anna. I was able to get an appointment for the following Wednesday. She just asked me to keep a food journal and bring it with me. When I told Anna about what I was doing she was happy as well.
So...tomorrow I will fill you in on one more thing that happened before seeing Kathy for the first time and my first visit with Kathy. It will be good so stop back by.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Things Changing!
If you have been popping out here in the last few days then you have seen the blog changing. Thanks to a great designer, Becky at The Cutest Blog On The Block, she has helped me make the blog transform into something that I love!
I know that you all think that I have fallen off the face of the earth but rest assured I haven't. Things went south with My Fit Foods. I struggled, I was sick and everyday was a challenge but more than anything I wanted to make it work with that program. By Thanksgiving I was so nauseated I just wanted to stop eating all together. It was bad!
I did lose a total of 30 lbs. on that adventure. Have I kept it off? No!
Thanksgiving was the worse one in my life. For those of you who have followed me through the years then you know the issues I have with my family, especially my mom. She was in rare form when they were here Thanksgiving. As soon as they left I headed for the food. I have managed to keep off about 12 lbs of the 30 that I lost. There is no need to go into what happened but it was the final blow in my life where my parents are concerned. The weird thing is with my Dad I do feel his love and have felt it during my life. Lately my Mom has started wearing off on him and he has started some of her same shenanigans! This visit, after the binge, getting in to see Anna as fast as I could after they left (2 appointments in a week!) and then ensuing drama for the last few weeks and another blow this past weekend, I am ready to let this whole life long battle go. I love my parents, they have been good to me, given me everything that I wanted physically but failed to give me what I needed emotionally and that was love and acceptance. Things don't love. Words and actions do.
I'm done. It is time for Laura to take care of Laura. It is time for Laura to heal. It is time for Laura to learn how to love herself and boy that is what I am going to do. I'll still see my parents, I will talk to them like always but with a whole lot of boundaries. Lots of them. They are not going to be able to hurt me anymore. PERIOD!
Now on to the bigger news. With all the goings on surrounding Thanksgiving and the ending of my journey with My Fit Foods. I was lost. I struggled as to what to do as far as my weight loss journey. The thought of going back to Weight Watchers made me want to gag. Surgery is out and will always remain out for me. I had never felt so lost as to what to do with losing this weight.
I decided to look for a nutritionist and I really do believe with all my heart that I have found the best. I have so much to say about Kathy, the newest member of my medical team!!!
Want to hear more? Stop by tomorrow as I will start to catch you up as to what has happened over the last two weeks! It is good! You will want to hear!
I know that you all think that I have fallen off the face of the earth but rest assured I haven't. Things went south with My Fit Foods. I struggled, I was sick and everyday was a challenge but more than anything I wanted to make it work with that program. By Thanksgiving I was so nauseated I just wanted to stop eating all together. It was bad!
I did lose a total of 30 lbs. on that adventure. Have I kept it off? No!
Thanksgiving was the worse one in my life. For those of you who have followed me through the years then you know the issues I have with my family, especially my mom. She was in rare form when they were here Thanksgiving. As soon as they left I headed for the food. I have managed to keep off about 12 lbs of the 30 that I lost. There is no need to go into what happened but it was the final blow in my life where my parents are concerned. The weird thing is with my Dad I do feel his love and have felt it during my life. Lately my Mom has started wearing off on him and he has started some of her same shenanigans! This visit, after the binge, getting in to see Anna as fast as I could after they left (2 appointments in a week!) and then ensuing drama for the last few weeks and another blow this past weekend, I am ready to let this whole life long battle go. I love my parents, they have been good to me, given me everything that I wanted physically but failed to give me what I needed emotionally and that was love and acceptance. Things don't love. Words and actions do.
I'm done. It is time for Laura to take care of Laura. It is time for Laura to heal. It is time for Laura to learn how to love herself and boy that is what I am going to do. I'll still see my parents, I will talk to them like always but with a whole lot of boundaries. Lots of them. They are not going to be able to hurt me anymore. PERIOD!
Now on to the bigger news. With all the goings on surrounding Thanksgiving and the ending of my journey with My Fit Foods. I was lost. I struggled as to what to do as far as my weight loss journey. The thought of going back to Weight Watchers made me want to gag. Surgery is out and will always remain out for me. I had never felt so lost as to what to do with losing this weight.
I decided to look for a nutritionist and I really do believe with all my heart that I have found the best. I have so much to say about Kathy, the newest member of my medical team!!!
Want to hear more? Stop by tomorrow as I will start to catch you up as to what has happened over the last two weeks! It is good! You will want to hear!
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