Dealing with this low B-12 and Ferratin level and a insurance company who will not approve the iron IV that will correct the Ferratin...I'm just starting to feel lost! Let me explain. Last Friday I went in to see my Oncologist about this issue and to talk to her about the run around that I felt that I was getting from her staff. First the stuff about the staff blew up in my face. Of course she took their side but she said something that I knew might be becoming a problem with this new O'Bama Health Care Plan but I never thought that I would hear from one of my Dr.'s the following: "Laura, you have nothing to give back to society so this new health care plan would rather you be dead than spend any money on you! You are going to see more things denied when all of this goes into effect!" I was kinda shocked, kinda not! I had been reading that the older you get the less they are going to pay but I never thought I would hear it put exactly this way! I nevertheless started crying and told her that I knew how to end a life and we had a few other things to say which I can't recall. I made it out of her office and to my car before I just totally lost it. All I could think about was binging. I called Kathy crying and told her what was going on. My team has been very supportive while we try and get this resolved with the insurance company. She talked to me for a while and got me back to thinking with a clear head about binging and I didn't do it. I still felt like crap and I did make it home, had some lunch and took a nap.
Over the last month, my neighbor Rae has been sucking me dry, keeping up late at night talking about this man that she has been seeing. To sum it all up in a nutshell, she needs to grow up and realize that relationships at 56 are not like they were when you are 16, you don't sleep with someone after after 3 dinner dates, phone calls and texting over 6 weeks and then wonder why the relationship changes. Bottom line last Thursday night was the last night that woman is ever going to get a minute of my time! I'm done! I don't need the drama and I don't need things thrown up in my face. Is that a friend? NO! DONE!
So, yesterday was Remicade and today I slept a lot, tomorrow I'm seeing Anna and Kathy and I haven't followed my food plan nor have I recorded a morsel of food that has gone down my throat. Sitting here tonight eating M&M's mindlessly and seeing how long it has been since I've written on this blog I'm sick of it all. It is only within my own power that I can say enough and turn it all around and I'm going to do it period! I want to experience 23 lbs in 27 days again. It was sweet. I felt like a million dollars and I want to feel that again!!!!
The Ferratin and B-12? I've started the B-12 injections and I'm waiting for the insurance again. If it gets denied again we are going to pay for it out of our own pocket. It has been 10 years since I've needed it so it is worth paying $550 to get my energy back which will help my mood and my eating and getting back to what I need to do! The Dr. will have to approve me paying for it!
So, tomorrow night I will write about how my meeting with Kathy goes, my follow-up with the insurance and my getting back to MINDFULNESS!
Thanks for letting me vent! You all are the best!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
What Can I Say?
Boy have I ever left you all out in the Abyss! It wasn't my intention, it just happened. I guess it was suppose to be this way.
Mark's party went great and everyone had a great time. Stacey and I surprised him with a evening cruise on Galveston Bay on a private sail boat and we all had so much fun and we want to do it again! It was a trip getting me up on the boat and getting me off but Stacey, Mark and the Owner were patient and helpful. Me? Totally embarrassed and just wanted to cry, but once the boat started moving I felt such freedom. I love the water!
I started struggling about what to write in regards to my therapy and my recovery. It has gotten so intense and every session with Dr. Michel, Stacy and Kathy has just made my head spin. I was walking away not knowing what hit me. Confused. Bewildered. Sometimes Angry. Most of the time in tears. I just couldn't remember enough to be able to tell you all much about any thing. I have a friend who reads this blog and we talked on the phone about how I was feeling about writing and she confirmed what I needed to do is write about is what is going on with me and not write what the therapists are saying and doing. I guess when this first started this I felt like I could write about my sessions and hopefully it would help someone who couldn't afford this type of treatment because it is so expensive. $1500.00 a month! It is a true commitment, and Mark and I are in it for whatever it takes. This is life or death.
About half-way through my Mindful Eating group I found that Susan Albers had a set of CD's called "Mindful Appetite" which was the greatest thing that I have purchased so far. The CD's she explains Mindful Eating and she actually walks you through some exercises that you do along with her. Since I only listened to the CD's in my car going and coming to therapy I could only imagine doing the exercises with her but it worked and sunk into my brain. I did learn a lot in group too. What helped me the most in group was all the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills that Stacy taught us which helps you be more mindful in all aspects of your life not just eating. They had more impact on me than I thought that they would. DBT is a huge part of treating Binge Eating Disorder.
About the middle of September I thought I had some cellulitus develop in my right food and I contacted Kathy because I needed to miss my next appointment in order to see my infectious disease Dr. Well, she contacted Dr. Michel and since my weight was up to 427 lbs they decided that it was time to put me into a treatment center. Dr. Michel contacted the CEO of BEDA and they spent the weekend looking at which treatment center would be good for me. Well they haven't said for sure but they talk a lot about one in Chicago. This was also at the same time that Mark was in the process of changing jobs. At his birthday party he heard of a opening and he pursued it and he is happy as a lark in his new position. It was crazy scarey for me. Our insurance was going to switch to Cobra for a couple of months and all I could think of was what kind of headache would that be in trying to get it all approved as well as if I didn't get released by the time the new insurance kicked in they would have to get the new one to approve. It all just freaked me out. I wasn't ready and I can only tell you that it scared me straight!
In the next 30 days I lost 27 lbs. Just eating mindfully. Just eating at the table and not in front of the TV. Preparing easy meals at home with Mark's help. We did it and the success was sweet. I was really on a roll and then life happened. I got sick and started feeling like I had no energy, didn't feel like moving and just wanted to sleep.. My sleeping patterns got off and I was cat napping 24 hours a day. I had an appointment with my Oncologist and I have a low Ferratin level and low B-12. We have been fighting with my insurance for the last 2 weeks trying to get the iron IV approved but so far no luck. Hopefully this week my luck will change and we will be able to get this going. Otherwise, I'm just sleeping a lot!
I have been having a hard time doing anything right over the last couple of weeks. Fear is starting to come back to the fact that they can pull the string to send me away. I've been open and honest with my feelings that I feel that I am slipping backwards but they are assuring me that it's only because I have so much going on medically. I sure hope so.
So, I will get out here and sharing my feelings more. I'm not going to try and give a play by play of my sessions, it has just become too hard. I hope you all understand.
Here is my new mantra:
"Life itself is the proper binge" - Julia Childs
Binge on Life! It's worth it!
Mark's party went great and everyone had a great time. Stacey and I surprised him with a evening cruise on Galveston Bay on a private sail boat and we all had so much fun and we want to do it again! It was a trip getting me up on the boat and getting me off but Stacey, Mark and the Owner were patient and helpful. Me? Totally embarrassed and just wanted to cry, but once the boat started moving I felt such freedom. I love the water!
I started struggling about what to write in regards to my therapy and my recovery. It has gotten so intense and every session with Dr. Michel, Stacy and Kathy has just made my head spin. I was walking away not knowing what hit me. Confused. Bewildered. Sometimes Angry. Most of the time in tears. I just couldn't remember enough to be able to tell you all much about any thing. I have a friend who reads this blog and we talked on the phone about how I was feeling about writing and she confirmed what I needed to do is write about is what is going on with me and not write what the therapists are saying and doing. I guess when this first started this I felt like I could write about my sessions and hopefully it would help someone who couldn't afford this type of treatment because it is so expensive. $1500.00 a month! It is a true commitment, and Mark and I are in it for whatever it takes. This is life or death.
About half-way through my Mindful Eating group I found that Susan Albers had a set of CD's called "Mindful Appetite" which was the greatest thing that I have purchased so far. The CD's she explains Mindful Eating and she actually walks you through some exercises that you do along with her. Since I only listened to the CD's in my car going and coming to therapy I could only imagine doing the exercises with her but it worked and sunk into my brain. I did learn a lot in group too. What helped me the most in group was all the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills that Stacy taught us which helps you be more mindful in all aspects of your life not just eating. They had more impact on me than I thought that they would. DBT is a huge part of treating Binge Eating Disorder.
About the middle of September I thought I had some cellulitus develop in my right food and I contacted Kathy because I needed to miss my next appointment in order to see my infectious disease Dr. Well, she contacted Dr. Michel and since my weight was up to 427 lbs they decided that it was time to put me into a treatment center. Dr. Michel contacted the CEO of BEDA and they spent the weekend looking at which treatment center would be good for me. Well they haven't said for sure but they talk a lot about one in Chicago. This was also at the same time that Mark was in the process of changing jobs. At his birthday party he heard of a opening and he pursued it and he is happy as a lark in his new position. It was crazy scarey for me. Our insurance was going to switch to Cobra for a couple of months and all I could think of was what kind of headache would that be in trying to get it all approved as well as if I didn't get released by the time the new insurance kicked in they would have to get the new one to approve. It all just freaked me out. I wasn't ready and I can only tell you that it scared me straight!
In the next 30 days I lost 27 lbs. Just eating mindfully. Just eating at the table and not in front of the TV. Preparing easy meals at home with Mark's help. We did it and the success was sweet. I was really on a roll and then life happened. I got sick and started feeling like I had no energy, didn't feel like moving and just wanted to sleep.. My sleeping patterns got off and I was cat napping 24 hours a day. I had an appointment with my Oncologist and I have a low Ferratin level and low B-12. We have been fighting with my insurance for the last 2 weeks trying to get the iron IV approved but so far no luck. Hopefully this week my luck will change and we will be able to get this going. Otherwise, I'm just sleeping a lot!
I have been having a hard time doing anything right over the last couple of weeks. Fear is starting to come back to the fact that they can pull the string to send me away. I've been open and honest with my feelings that I feel that I am slipping backwards but they are assuring me that it's only because I have so much going on medically. I sure hope so.
So, I will get out here and sharing my feelings more. I'm not going to try and give a play by play of my sessions, it has just become too hard. I hope you all understand.
Here is my new mantra:
"Life itself is the proper binge" - Julia Childs
Binge on Life! It's worth it!
Monday, October 14, 2013
I'm Still Here!
I'm here and I know I've been extremely quiet. I had to be. Lots going on. I have Dr. Michel this morning and I'm going to try really hard to fill you all in when I get home.
Friday, September 6, 2013
A Quick Catch Up!!!
I thought I would get out here and do a quick catch up of the week! It has been another whirlwind.
My meeting with Dr. Michel went well. It got pretty emotional as I talked to her about the possibility of what I went through with Weigh Down Workshop and the cult Remnant Fellowship. OMG the feeling and emotions that roared up from my inner core. How that experience has really played with my inner core is so, so sad. I almost wailed talking to her about it. We talked about my faith and it really showed just how damaged I really am. I feel like God hates me, I feel like I will never be good enough to go to heaven. I feel like my greed of food will send me to hell. Yet a part of me wants to believe that I have been saved by grace and I have been forgiven from my sins. I feel like I am on tight rope. Dr. Michel said that this has absolutely had a play into all of this and we are going to take a closer look at it all. I felt like a scum-bag as I left her office. I did ask her if she thought if this was something that I should go back to Anna for and let her work with me on it and Dr. Michel told me no that we would do the work there since also involved the eating disorder.
I didn't get my homework done for my group on Wednesday night so I had to fake it. I know that Stacy sensed that I hadn't done it. I have really been disappointed in this group "Mindful Eating" I feel like too much time was spent on DBT's (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and very little on Mindful Eating. I've gotten more out of my CD's than group. That is sad. Yesterday Kathy told me that Stacy had touched on Mindful Eating by what Susan Albers suggested they cover from her workbook. Susan Albers and Dr. Michel are friends. I told Kathy that I think they should have a DBT group that covered DBT more in-depth and a group of Mindful Eating that talked about it more in depth. Next week is the last week and while I have learned some I feel like I haven't learned a whole lot and I'm not sure if I would sign up again. I don't want to hurt Stacy's feelings but I have to call it like it is. To me it was a waste of $300 and all the gas and time driving out there. It was nice however to meet Elaine and to know that I'm not the only person that is on this journey to recovery from Binge Eating.
My visit with Kathy was short yesterday because she was meeting a friend for lunch. Whatever. I do have to gripe a bit that she just decided to cut me short this week so that she could go and meet up with her friend. I don't think that is very professional. Of course she adjusted her cost but man I don't enjoy driving for an hour for a 30 minute session and driving home for another hour. Enough said.
They all seem to be honing in on my anger that is caused from interpersonal relationships and how it drives me to eat. I do realize that and I have realized it for a long time. In group we discussed this in general but Kathy and Dr. Michel have really discussed it with me. I have to break this. Everyone is suggesting that I have a list of things to go and do when this strikes that will keep me from binging. We discussed this list in group this week. One of my favorite things to do is to buy gifts for other people. But in my present circumstances where it is hard for me to grocery shop, getting out to buy gifts is difficult as well. I'll have to spend some more time on the list that Stacy gave out Wednesday night.
I also have a rant about Mike. Remember him? He's back to his same ol' crap. You will be amazed at how I deal with him. If he doesn't stop his crap he is going to take the final hike out of my life. He is a real problem. Kathy hates him and wants him gone. Dr. Michel hasn't really discussed with me but I know Kathy has talked to her about it. Stacy doesn't know about him. (Lucky her! LOL!)
So...there you have a short quick run-down of my week. Today the maids come t 8:00 a.m. and I have a hair appointment at 11:00 a.m. and family should start arriving around 3 or 4. So...let's let Mark's Birthday weekend begin... I'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday after Stacey goes home!
My meeting with Dr. Michel went well. It got pretty emotional as I talked to her about the possibility of what I went through with Weigh Down Workshop and the cult Remnant Fellowship. OMG the feeling and emotions that roared up from my inner core. How that experience has really played with my inner core is so, so sad. I almost wailed talking to her about it. We talked about my faith and it really showed just how damaged I really am. I feel like God hates me, I feel like I will never be good enough to go to heaven. I feel like my greed of food will send me to hell. Yet a part of me wants to believe that I have been saved by grace and I have been forgiven from my sins. I feel like I am on tight rope. Dr. Michel said that this has absolutely had a play into all of this and we are going to take a closer look at it all. I felt like a scum-bag as I left her office. I did ask her if she thought if this was something that I should go back to Anna for and let her work with me on it and Dr. Michel told me no that we would do the work there since also involved the eating disorder.
I didn't get my homework done for my group on Wednesday night so I had to fake it. I know that Stacy sensed that I hadn't done it. I have really been disappointed in this group "Mindful Eating" I feel like too much time was spent on DBT's (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and very little on Mindful Eating. I've gotten more out of my CD's than group. That is sad. Yesterday Kathy told me that Stacy had touched on Mindful Eating by what Susan Albers suggested they cover from her workbook. Susan Albers and Dr. Michel are friends. I told Kathy that I think they should have a DBT group that covered DBT more in-depth and a group of Mindful Eating that talked about it more in depth. Next week is the last week and while I have learned some I feel like I haven't learned a whole lot and I'm not sure if I would sign up again. I don't want to hurt Stacy's feelings but I have to call it like it is. To me it was a waste of $300 and all the gas and time driving out there. It was nice however to meet Elaine and to know that I'm not the only person that is on this journey to recovery from Binge Eating.
My visit with Kathy was short yesterday because she was meeting a friend for lunch. Whatever. I do have to gripe a bit that she just decided to cut me short this week so that she could go and meet up with her friend. I don't think that is very professional. Of course she adjusted her cost but man I don't enjoy driving for an hour for a 30 minute session and driving home for another hour. Enough said.
They all seem to be honing in on my anger that is caused from interpersonal relationships and how it drives me to eat. I do realize that and I have realized it for a long time. In group we discussed this in general but Kathy and Dr. Michel have really discussed it with me. I have to break this. Everyone is suggesting that I have a list of things to go and do when this strikes that will keep me from binging. We discussed this list in group this week. One of my favorite things to do is to buy gifts for other people. But in my present circumstances where it is hard for me to grocery shop, getting out to buy gifts is difficult as well. I'll have to spend some more time on the list that Stacy gave out Wednesday night.
I also have a rant about Mike. Remember him? He's back to his same ol' crap. You will be amazed at how I deal with him. If he doesn't stop his crap he is going to take the final hike out of my life. He is a real problem. Kathy hates him and wants him gone. Dr. Michel hasn't really discussed with me but I know Kathy has talked to her about it. Stacy doesn't know about him. (Lucky her! LOL!)
So...there you have a short quick run-down of my week. Today the maids come t 8:00 a.m. and I have a hair appointment at 11:00 a.m. and family should start arriving around 3 or 4. So...let's let Mark's Birthday weekend begin... I'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday after Stacey goes home!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Whoa...Just Read My Last Post Again...I Guess I Was Angry....
I'm sorry.
I sure did go off in my last post. I'm a bit calmer now but still dealing with the same stuff. Trying to find hunger, trying to find satisfaction, trying to determine what is a binge and trying to tell what is not a binge. I guess I will eventually learn it but right now it is still very confusing.
My appointment with Kathy last Thursday went better than I thought. I broke down and told her how I was feeling. My assignment...to log what I eat and to journal my thoughts about how the meal made me feel. So far so good till today (Labor Day). Today my eating got off and stayed off. Did I binge? I don't know but I did not eat my 3 meals today and that is bad but at least tonight I know tomorrow I have another chance to do it all over again.
Kathy reminded me that I am getting the same exact treatment as a out patient as I would be getting if I was in a treatment facility. She told me that they would not be going after me all day long. She told me they would be sending me off to work on a puzzle, to go for a walk, to watch TV and to live life. She told me that I have to live my life and that recovery will come. I have to work but not be so consumed with it all. She told me no more reading books, listening to podcasts and the like. She wants me to do what Dr. Michel said and that was to work at doing 2 things a day. I have been doing that until Sunday and today. I got lazy and the last 2 days have gone back to watching TV, being on the computer and of all things have found a interest in Pinterest (which I will have to watch) and sleeping. I should be sleeping right now.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Michel and I'm sure that we will talk about my state last week between group and seeing Kathy. I also wonder about what she will pick me off about. I swear she is so good at what sh does she can pick up on a sentence or phrase that I make and show me how it plays into this eating disorder. She is truly awesome. Never seen anything like it.
Also this weekend I'm giving Mark a party for his 60th birthday. I need to have my head examined on this one. I've always wanted to do this for him and he can't help that he will turn 60 right in the middle of my treatment. I'm having it at his favorite restaurant, I didn't do invitations and just did verbal invites. Mostly to family and close friends. They understand and yet think that I'm crazy. Our daughter is coming in on Friday and will be here till next Tuesday but she will be a big help for me. My parents and Mark's oldest sister and her husband are coming in from Ft. Worth. After the party I've asked family members back to the house but I'm having a deli do party trays. The only meal that I need to do is Friday evening for Stacey, my parents and Mark's sister and husband. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's and buy their turkey meatballs (which Kathy says they are wonderful) and I'm throwing them in the crock pot with jarred sauce that I will add fresh herbs and stuff to. I'm buying bagged salad and garlic bread so it should be easy for me to get done on my own. I know that my Mom will help me with the salad and Mark's sister will ask to help too and I will let hem help! Monday Stacey and I are taking Mark to Kemah in the afternoon for a seafood dinner and then a surprise evening cruise on Galveston Bay. We are taking some wine and Stacey says that they will furnish snacks. She has done all of that arranging. So, tomorrow after Dr. Michel I'm getting my hair done, Wednesday the exterminator is coming and in the afternoon I'm getting a pedicure and then I have group. Thursday is Kathy and a trip to Trader Joe's and Friday the maids are coming to clean the house and people should start arriving. I pray it will be as easy as I have made it out to be in my head. These days who knows. Tomorrow I may be freaking out!
I will try and write and let you know how I'm doing this week and I ask you for prayers and warm thoughts. I want this to be a birthday that Mark will remember. We never celebrate our birthdays. I think that everyone should celebrate a BIG one! He's excited but worried about me. He is my sweetie and I don't know what I would do without him.
So...this is a calm post...but also know that the issues and feelings are still very real. This is hard, very hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy but I want to recover. I want food to have the rightful place in my life. Just as Dr. Michel said one day "Life is a rightful binge". I do need to learn to binge on life and the beauty of it and stop binging on food which robs you of life! Kathy keeps telling me that "Food is fuel". Susan Albers tells me that "Food is medicine used to repair the body". I'm starting to grasp that. I guess that is progress. I am getting better but...I know the journey is just beginning and the road is longer than anybody wants it to be. I just want RECOVERY!
I sure did go off in my last post. I'm a bit calmer now but still dealing with the same stuff. Trying to find hunger, trying to find satisfaction, trying to determine what is a binge and trying to tell what is not a binge. I guess I will eventually learn it but right now it is still very confusing.
My appointment with Kathy last Thursday went better than I thought. I broke down and told her how I was feeling. My assignment...to log what I eat and to journal my thoughts about how the meal made me feel. So far so good till today (Labor Day). Today my eating got off and stayed off. Did I binge? I don't know but I did not eat my 3 meals today and that is bad but at least tonight I know tomorrow I have another chance to do it all over again.
Kathy reminded me that I am getting the same exact treatment as a out patient as I would be getting if I was in a treatment facility. She told me that they would not be going after me all day long. She told me they would be sending me off to work on a puzzle, to go for a walk, to watch TV and to live life. She told me that I have to live my life and that recovery will come. I have to work but not be so consumed with it all. She told me no more reading books, listening to podcasts and the like. She wants me to do what Dr. Michel said and that was to work at doing 2 things a day. I have been doing that until Sunday and today. I got lazy and the last 2 days have gone back to watching TV, being on the computer and of all things have found a interest in Pinterest (which I will have to watch) and sleeping. I should be sleeping right now.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Michel and I'm sure that we will talk about my state last week between group and seeing Kathy. I also wonder about what she will pick me off about. I swear she is so good at what sh does she can pick up on a sentence or phrase that I make and show me how it plays into this eating disorder. She is truly awesome. Never seen anything like it.
Also this weekend I'm giving Mark a party for his 60th birthday. I need to have my head examined on this one. I've always wanted to do this for him and he can't help that he will turn 60 right in the middle of my treatment. I'm having it at his favorite restaurant, I didn't do invitations and just did verbal invites. Mostly to family and close friends. They understand and yet think that I'm crazy. Our daughter is coming in on Friday and will be here till next Tuesday but she will be a big help for me. My parents and Mark's oldest sister and her husband are coming in from Ft. Worth. After the party I've asked family members back to the house but I'm having a deli do party trays. The only meal that I need to do is Friday evening for Stacey, my parents and Mark's sister and husband. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's and buy their turkey meatballs (which Kathy says they are wonderful) and I'm throwing them in the crock pot with jarred sauce that I will add fresh herbs and stuff to. I'm buying bagged salad and garlic bread so it should be easy for me to get done on my own. I know that my Mom will help me with the salad and Mark's sister will ask to help too and I will let hem help! Monday Stacey and I are taking Mark to Kemah in the afternoon for a seafood dinner and then a surprise evening cruise on Galveston Bay. We are taking some wine and Stacey says that they will furnish snacks. She has done all of that arranging. So, tomorrow after Dr. Michel I'm getting my hair done, Wednesday the exterminator is coming and in the afternoon I'm getting a pedicure and then I have group. Thursday is Kathy and a trip to Trader Joe's and Friday the maids are coming to clean the house and people should start arriving. I pray it will be as easy as I have made it out to be in my head. These days who knows. Tomorrow I may be freaking out!
I will try and write and let you know how I'm doing this week and I ask you for prayers and warm thoughts. I want this to be a birthday that Mark will remember. We never celebrate our birthdays. I think that everyone should celebrate a BIG one! He's excited but worried about me. He is my sweetie and I don't know what I would do without him.
So...this is a calm post...but also know that the issues and feelings are still very real. This is hard, very hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy but I want to recover. I want food to have the rightful place in my life. Just as Dr. Michel said one day "Life is a rightful binge". I do need to learn to binge on life and the beauty of it and stop binging on food which robs you of life! Kathy keeps telling me that "Food is fuel". Susan Albers tells me that "Food is medicine used to repair the body". I'm starting to grasp that. I guess that is progress. I am getting better but...I know the journey is just beginning and the road is longer than anybody wants it to be. I just want RECOVERY!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Be Careful What You Ask For...
Well I can say that with all honesty! I wanted intensive therapy and boy am I ever getting it. My head will not stop spinning and most days I don't know which end is up. I getting hit from every end and I feel at times that I can't breathe! The break through that I just wrote about has turned into another and another and at the same time answers in how to deal with them. This treatment is very different than any that I have been involved in. It's like I have a break through and at them same time I'm being told how to deal with it. It is like Pow! Pow! Pow! No Kidding!
I feel so bad not getting out here and writing as fast as I can all that is going on but the truth is I'm usually sitting wondering about what is going to happen next. Half the time I'm not sure that I can make any sense out of my feelings. Not sure if I can put it all into words. Have you ever felt that way?
I have Kathy hitting me with the food journals which I'm struggling with. Last night at group Kathy led our session and it was great but I walked away confused. Later it all came together. I feel guilty not being able to feel true hunger, I feel guilty about what I eat, so when I feel guilty I don't want to record, I'm suppose to be not eating at the places that we have made a habit but I'm still doing it so that makes me not want to record too. I make bad choices same thing...GUILT. I'm not cooking...GUILT. I'm not sure if I'm eating mindfully and wonder if I'm eating too much since I don't feel like I'm losing...GUILT! Every where in the food department I'm feeling GUILT!!!!! So much to learn. We talked about 7 types of hunger last night in group. Can you believe that there are 7 types of hunger? There are! I was surprised. There are seven ways to deal with it and seven ways to tell if you are truly hungry. There were some technical terms that I need to look up and read about more. Homeostasis is one of them. Did they talk about this stuff at Weight Watchers? Not only No! But Hell No! It may have done some good if they had! Starting to understand why Kathy can't stand them! They are awful for people who have eating disorders. I'm starting to see it! I truly am. Can y'all remember me eating 3 Lean Cuisines to get my points in? How about a bag dinner from Stouffer's to get them in? Was that smart? Hell No! It was too much freaking food. No wonder my weight did all kinds of funky things! Weight Watchers did not care what I ate as long as I got my points in. I don't mean to pick on Weight Watchers but after doing it for 8 years and ending up where I am now learning what I am now, I'm pissed! I think that Weight Watchers is good for someone who doesn't have a lot to lose but people like me who have more than 100 lbs to lose it is awful. There are too many points! Period! End of subject!
I'm sorry to go off like that because I don't know how many people who find this blog and/or read this blog do Weight Watchers. I'm sure I need to give some thought to other diets that I have done and go off on them as well. The problem is that society has really gotten us out of tune with true hunger and being content in how much we eat. I have so much to undo!
In our marriage counseling I'm finding that I'm not doing enough. I have been trying to tell Anna for the past couple of years that I'm lazy. She laughs me off. The fact is I am. I am either trying to do too much and wear myself out or I do nothing. So...we are working on me doing 2 things a day one of which is cooking dinner. The other is something that needs to be done for the household like washing a load of clothes and/or unloading the dishwasher. You heard me I'm so lazy that I will sit on my butt and will not wash clothes or unload the dishwasher. I wait till Mark does it. He gets my diet cokes, he brings me my meals, he does whatever I ask and he is worn out. Now how would that make you feel? Awful!!!! So we are working on that.
I'm finding out that ED has friends and I haven't recognized them. Mrs. Procrastination is one but Dr. Michel told me on Monday that he has many friends and I need to be on the look out for them. They all work with ED and they are furious because they know I want to get well and I want to recover and they are mad and they are ready to fight for my failure. Great!
You know, as I sit here and write about all of this I really sound like a crazy person. But trust me I'm not I just have a Eating Disorder which is Binge Eating. A few times in the last couple of weeks I've wondered if I was going into a different disorder Bulimia because I have purged a couple of times. Dr. Michel has pretty much scared the pants off me about purging and I was shocked what all purging does. It really messes the body up more than it get rids of calories. When I lapse and binge I will just hurt. However the goal is not to binge. I have so much to learn.
I have found something good and it is Susan Albers Mindful Appetite CD. I have been listening to them non-stop back and forth to therapy and group my 4 times a week. It is making so much sense and I'm hoping that getting to work with the exercises on Mindful Eating that it will help in all the GUILT that I'm feeling in and around food.
So...there is my update. I will try and write more but understand at times I get lost in pain and I get lost in realizing all the things that have caused this eating disorder. You all know that I am a fighter and I will fight. I will not give up but I will admit that this is the first time that hiding in a corner for a little bit feels good. I want to recover. I don't want food or eating rob me of life.
This came up on my Recovery Record the other day. It brought tears to my eyes:
H.O.P.E. Hold On, Pain Ends.
It better! This is hard!
I feel so bad not getting out here and writing as fast as I can all that is going on but the truth is I'm usually sitting wondering about what is going to happen next. Half the time I'm not sure that I can make any sense out of my feelings. Not sure if I can put it all into words. Have you ever felt that way?
I have Kathy hitting me with the food journals which I'm struggling with. Last night at group Kathy led our session and it was great but I walked away confused. Later it all came together. I feel guilty not being able to feel true hunger, I feel guilty about what I eat, so when I feel guilty I don't want to record, I'm suppose to be not eating at the places that we have made a habit but I'm still doing it so that makes me not want to record too. I make bad choices same thing...GUILT. I'm not cooking...GUILT. I'm not sure if I'm eating mindfully and wonder if I'm eating too much since I don't feel like I'm losing...GUILT! Every where in the food department I'm feeling GUILT!!!!! So much to learn. We talked about 7 types of hunger last night in group. Can you believe that there are 7 types of hunger? There are! I was surprised. There are seven ways to deal with it and seven ways to tell if you are truly hungry. There were some technical terms that I need to look up and read about more. Homeostasis is one of them. Did they talk about this stuff at Weight Watchers? Not only No! But Hell No! It may have done some good if they had! Starting to understand why Kathy can't stand them! They are awful for people who have eating disorders. I'm starting to see it! I truly am. Can y'all remember me eating 3 Lean Cuisines to get my points in? How about a bag dinner from Stouffer's to get them in? Was that smart? Hell No! It was too much freaking food. No wonder my weight did all kinds of funky things! Weight Watchers did not care what I ate as long as I got my points in. I don't mean to pick on Weight Watchers but after doing it for 8 years and ending up where I am now learning what I am now, I'm pissed! I think that Weight Watchers is good for someone who doesn't have a lot to lose but people like me who have more than 100 lbs to lose it is awful. There are too many points! Period! End of subject!
I'm sorry to go off like that because I don't know how many people who find this blog and/or read this blog do Weight Watchers. I'm sure I need to give some thought to other diets that I have done and go off on them as well. The problem is that society has really gotten us out of tune with true hunger and being content in how much we eat. I have so much to undo!
In our marriage counseling I'm finding that I'm not doing enough. I have been trying to tell Anna for the past couple of years that I'm lazy. She laughs me off. The fact is I am. I am either trying to do too much and wear myself out or I do nothing. So...we are working on me doing 2 things a day one of which is cooking dinner. The other is something that needs to be done for the household like washing a load of clothes and/or unloading the dishwasher. You heard me I'm so lazy that I will sit on my butt and will not wash clothes or unload the dishwasher. I wait till Mark does it. He gets my diet cokes, he brings me my meals, he does whatever I ask and he is worn out. Now how would that make you feel? Awful!!!! So we are working on that.
I'm finding out that ED has friends and I haven't recognized them. Mrs. Procrastination is one but Dr. Michel told me on Monday that he has many friends and I need to be on the look out for them. They all work with ED and they are furious because they know I want to get well and I want to recover and they are mad and they are ready to fight for my failure. Great!
You know, as I sit here and write about all of this I really sound like a crazy person. But trust me I'm not I just have a Eating Disorder which is Binge Eating. A few times in the last couple of weeks I've wondered if I was going into a different disorder Bulimia because I have purged a couple of times. Dr. Michel has pretty much scared the pants off me about purging and I was shocked what all purging does. It really messes the body up more than it get rids of calories. When I lapse and binge I will just hurt. However the goal is not to binge. I have so much to learn.
I have found something good and it is Susan Albers Mindful Appetite CD. I have been listening to them non-stop back and forth to therapy and group my 4 times a week. It is making so much sense and I'm hoping that getting to work with the exercises on Mindful Eating that it will help in all the GUILT that I'm feeling in and around food.
So...there is my update. I will try and write more but understand at times I get lost in pain and I get lost in realizing all the things that have caused this eating disorder. You all know that I am a fighter and I will fight. I will not give up but I will admit that this is the first time that hiding in a corner for a little bit feels good. I want to recover. I don't want food or eating rob me of life.
This came up on my Recovery Record the other day. It brought tears to my eyes:
H.O.P.E. Hold On, Pain Ends.
It better! This is hard!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A Breakthrough....
This is later than I wanted to be but my mind has been spinning since I left Dr. Michel's office Monday morning. It still is.
Really before I tell you what happened I keep asking myself "How did Anna miss this one?" As much as we have talked about my childhood and things said about my parents and what they said to me as a child, how did she miss this?
This past weekend my neighbor Rae and I went to lunch and later that night she came over and we all watched a movie. She made a comment about her feet being swollen. I told her that it was the soy sauce we ate at lunch. We had gone to PF Chang's. I knew that I was going to be retaining lots of fluid from eating there. The next day, sure enough I took my fluid pills and I was running to the bathroom every 5 minutes, it seemed. I texted her and told her that we couldn't go back there. Long story short we had a long texted conversation. She told me how she was turning over a new leaf and was going to be serious about losing her weight since she was pushing 200 lbs. I told her that I would support her 110%. And I have to be honest here and it just may be where I'm at right now but I feel anyone who feels like that they need to diet has a eating disorder. Don't you all run away on me!!!!! It is just where my brain is at and I'm trying really hard to look at things differently. I realize that there are millions of people who are always going to diet. This is just me. I will support my friend 110% and if you are dieting I will support you 110%! I know having any extra weight is miserable and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. OK, back to the story.
She texted me the following comment. Can I be honest with you and of course by looking at me I am definitely no expert !!! It seems to me that your way of doing it always gets way too complex. I think what the problem is, is that you get too deep into it and think about everything too much! Let's have a new motto! Keep it simple sista! That spells...KISS
Well that hurt my feelings. I put my heart and soul into losing this weight because I want it so bad. I'm serious about getting rid of the weight. I want to be free from this body! I hate being inside of it! I also have a worse problem than most people needing to lose over 200 lbs! Her comment made me feel stupid and inadequate. (Hold your thoughts!)
I got teary over this. It set off so many emotions inside of me. I was angry and I was hurt. I felt like just giving up and just go and eat! I found strength and she was still texting me stuff because she texts 90 mph and I texted back to her: Could she please try not to set off any of my emotions and that it would help me a lot.
Well I got blasted from her again and this time it was something that a psychologist told her when she was in rehab for her alcoholism. The conversation got worse and I got more emotional and it was more hurt than anything. By the time we got through I thought that I should just get rid of the friendship.
As the day wore on I couldn't wait to see Dr Michel and tell her about this. See what she would say about it all. I blew it at dinner as I wasn't mindful and I just shoved down a double-meat and cheese Whopper and fries for dinner.
Monday, when I got to see Dr. Michel and I told her that I had an emotional weekend and that I wasn't mindful and I ate the double meat and cheese Whopper we started talking about things. I ended up reading her the entire text message.
Her first response was that one of the reasons she hated texting and emails was that you couldn't see the person's face and things can get misconstrued. She told me up front that she wasn't going to tell me if my friend was right or wrong but that after listening to it she remembered my ordeal with Kathy a few weeks back and she wanted to ask me a question. She asked me "Do you take parts of conversations that you take as hurtful and sit them aside away from the context of the conversation?" When she said that and as she started giving me an example I kid you not my brain started spinning out of control like I have never felt before. It was like a spring that was so tightly rounded up that it snapped and just unraveled. I got it. All I could say was "Oh My God!!! I have done this my entire life and I didn't realize it till you asked me that question! I couldn't get anything else out. I just wanted to die as my memory started flashing so much in side of my head with so many different examples going off. Dr. Michel said "Ok, can you give me an example way back when that you see that you did this?" The first thing that came into my head was a time when I was about 14 and she told me "Laura Lynn, you would look so much better if you wear some make-up!" I told Dr. Michel this and she asked me what did you hear back then? I told her that I heard that I wasn't pretty and that my mother hated me" She quickly asked me what would I say hearing that through adult ears today? I told her "I would say to her to mind her own business and worry about what she looked like!" Dr. Michel then told me that she thought what my mother said was inappropriate and it would have been addressed if I had been in counseling for my eating disorder back then. She went on to say that this behavior is very common with eating disorders. My head was still spinning around and I wanted to cry hearing that because I could only think about all the things that went on with my parents as a child, teenager, young adult and more recently had been dissected and misconstrued. At about the same time my intestines got crampy and I knew that meant trouble and that I needed to get out of there and get to a restroom pretty quick. Dr. Michel was talking but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. She stopped and said to me "I see a couple of times you have gotten a very sad look on your face, tell me about that?" I apologized and told her. Dr. Michel, I'm sorry but I am having a hard time concentrating because my stomach is cramping and she said immediately do we need to end right now? I hated to say it but I told her "I think so". I got out my check and told her that she could give me a receipt next week. I pretty much got up and grabbed my tote and got out of there and barely made it to the bathroom. As I was giving her my check and picking up my bag she told me what she wanted me to do for homework this next week.
After I left there I met my friend Karen (from Norway) for lunch. She was here in Houston overnight because her precious Mom had passed away and they had been in New Mexico and they were headed back. We talked about my session and my head was quickly becoming a noodle. I had a great time getting to see her and I felt so wonderful that she chose to want to see me out of so many of her close friends. I miss her so much but thank God for Skype!
On the way home I got caught in a horrible traffic jam that diverted away from how I normally go home. Thank you Lord for my navigation system in my new SUV. It took me almost 2 hours to get home. That's living in Houston! When I got home I emailed Dr. Michel and apologized that I had forgotten what my homework was and she kindly wrote me back. Meredith showed up as we are helping her with some dishes and stuff for her kitchen since she will be moving into her own apartment this Friday. That is a whole other story! She ended up staying till dinner and then didn't leave till after 11:00 p.m. My head was still not back together. I just felt weird and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. A part of me feels so dumb, yet a part of me is so relieved to see that all my life I have been my own worse enemy. I have so many emotions. Dr. Michel wants me to journal about our session and I'm sure I will talk about all these emotions as I write.
This morning I see Mark the drug dude and tonight I have my Mindful Eating Group. Which by the way Dr. Michel asked me what I thought and I told her the jury was out because I had some concerns and we ended up talking about it and she told me that she will make sure that we all get what we need about mindful eating. We also talked about the elevator last week and she told me that Stacy was going to make sure that I got down on that elevator. She told me that the building manager told her that it wasn't working. We both agreed that the cleaning people did something but that they didn't want to own up to it since she reminded them about the ADA. She told me that she felt certain that there would not be a problem tonight.
So...this noodle brain has to run as I have an hour to get dressed and get out of here!
Really before I tell you what happened I keep asking myself "How did Anna miss this one?" As much as we have talked about my childhood and things said about my parents and what they said to me as a child, how did she miss this?
This past weekend my neighbor Rae and I went to lunch and later that night she came over and we all watched a movie. She made a comment about her feet being swollen. I told her that it was the soy sauce we ate at lunch. We had gone to PF Chang's. I knew that I was going to be retaining lots of fluid from eating there. The next day, sure enough I took my fluid pills and I was running to the bathroom every 5 minutes, it seemed. I texted her and told her that we couldn't go back there. Long story short we had a long texted conversation. She told me how she was turning over a new leaf and was going to be serious about losing her weight since she was pushing 200 lbs. I told her that I would support her 110%. And I have to be honest here and it just may be where I'm at right now but I feel anyone who feels like that they need to diet has a eating disorder. Don't you all run away on me!!!!! It is just where my brain is at and I'm trying really hard to look at things differently. I realize that there are millions of people who are always going to diet. This is just me. I will support my friend 110% and if you are dieting I will support you 110%! I know having any extra weight is miserable and we all have our own ways of dealing with it. OK, back to the story.
She texted me the following comment. Can I be honest with you and of course by looking at me I am definitely no expert !!! It seems to me that your way of doing it always gets way too complex. I think what the problem is, is that you get too deep into it and think about everything too much! Let's have a new motto! Keep it simple sista! That spells...KISS
Well that hurt my feelings. I put my heart and soul into losing this weight because I want it so bad. I'm serious about getting rid of the weight. I want to be free from this body! I hate being inside of it! I also have a worse problem than most people needing to lose over 200 lbs! Her comment made me feel stupid and inadequate. (Hold your thoughts!)
I got teary over this. It set off so many emotions inside of me. I was angry and I was hurt. I felt like just giving up and just go and eat! I found strength and she was still texting me stuff because she texts 90 mph and I texted back to her: Could she please try not to set off any of my emotions and that it would help me a lot.
Well I got blasted from her again and this time it was something that a psychologist told her when she was in rehab for her alcoholism. The conversation got worse and I got more emotional and it was more hurt than anything. By the time we got through I thought that I should just get rid of the friendship.
As the day wore on I couldn't wait to see Dr Michel and tell her about this. See what she would say about it all. I blew it at dinner as I wasn't mindful and I just shoved down a double-meat and cheese Whopper and fries for dinner.
Monday, when I got to see Dr. Michel and I told her that I had an emotional weekend and that I wasn't mindful and I ate the double meat and cheese Whopper we started talking about things. I ended up reading her the entire text message.
Her first response was that one of the reasons she hated texting and emails was that you couldn't see the person's face and things can get misconstrued. She told me up front that she wasn't going to tell me if my friend was right or wrong but that after listening to it she remembered my ordeal with Kathy a few weeks back and she wanted to ask me a question. She asked me "Do you take parts of conversations that you take as hurtful and sit them aside away from the context of the conversation?" When she said that and as she started giving me an example I kid you not my brain started spinning out of control like I have never felt before. It was like a spring that was so tightly rounded up that it snapped and just unraveled. I got it. All I could say was "Oh My God!!! I have done this my entire life and I didn't realize it till you asked me that question! I couldn't get anything else out. I just wanted to die as my memory started flashing so much in side of my head with so many different examples going off. Dr. Michel said "Ok, can you give me an example way back when that you see that you did this?" The first thing that came into my head was a time when I was about 14 and she told me "Laura Lynn, you would look so much better if you wear some make-up!" I told Dr. Michel this and she asked me what did you hear back then? I told her that I heard that I wasn't pretty and that my mother hated me" She quickly asked me what would I say hearing that through adult ears today? I told her "I would say to her to mind her own business and worry about what she looked like!" Dr. Michel then told me that she thought what my mother said was inappropriate and it would have been addressed if I had been in counseling for my eating disorder back then. She went on to say that this behavior is very common with eating disorders. My head was still spinning around and I wanted to cry hearing that because I could only think about all the things that went on with my parents as a child, teenager, young adult and more recently had been dissected and misconstrued. At about the same time my intestines got crampy and I knew that meant trouble and that I needed to get out of there and get to a restroom pretty quick. Dr. Michel was talking but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. She stopped and said to me "I see a couple of times you have gotten a very sad look on your face, tell me about that?" I apologized and told her. Dr. Michel, I'm sorry but I am having a hard time concentrating because my stomach is cramping and she said immediately do we need to end right now? I hated to say it but I told her "I think so". I got out my check and told her that she could give me a receipt next week. I pretty much got up and grabbed my tote and got out of there and barely made it to the bathroom. As I was giving her my check and picking up my bag she told me what she wanted me to do for homework this next week.
After I left there I met my friend Karen (from Norway) for lunch. She was here in Houston overnight because her precious Mom had passed away and they had been in New Mexico and they were headed back. We talked about my session and my head was quickly becoming a noodle. I had a great time getting to see her and I felt so wonderful that she chose to want to see me out of so many of her close friends. I miss her so much but thank God for Skype!
On the way home I got caught in a horrible traffic jam that diverted away from how I normally go home. Thank you Lord for my navigation system in my new SUV. It took me almost 2 hours to get home. That's living in Houston! When I got home I emailed Dr. Michel and apologized that I had forgotten what my homework was and she kindly wrote me back. Meredith showed up as we are helping her with some dishes and stuff for her kitchen since she will be moving into her own apartment this Friday. That is a whole other story! She ended up staying till dinner and then didn't leave till after 11:00 p.m. My head was still not back together. I just felt weird and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. A part of me feels so dumb, yet a part of me is so relieved to see that all my life I have been my own worse enemy. I have so many emotions. Dr. Michel wants me to journal about our session and I'm sure I will talk about all these emotions as I write.
This morning I see Mark the drug dude and tonight I have my Mindful Eating Group. Which by the way Dr. Michel asked me what I thought and I told her the jury was out because I had some concerns and we ended up talking about it and she told me that she will make sure that we all get what we need about mindful eating. We also talked about the elevator last week and she told me that Stacy was going to make sure that I got down on that elevator. She told me that the building manager told her that it wasn't working. We both agreed that the cleaning people did something but that they didn't want to own up to it since she reminded them about the ADA. She told me that she felt certain that there would not be a problem tonight.
So...this noodle brain has to run as I have an hour to get dressed and get out of here!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Help Me! What Do You Want To See?
I have been a wee bit overwhelmed these last few days. Trying to get out here and write and trying to work on getting better. My mind feel fuzzy and emotions are all over the place. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress and yet another moment I feel like a failure. This is starting to be a wild ride! So I decided I need to hear from you. I need to know what you want to read. I've posted about my sessions in hopes that something said or done might help you. I'm not even sure you need the help. You the reader might be totally o.k. and have no struggles and then yet again I fear that someone might be. This is an expensive ride so I've been trying to help by giving you information. Maybe that isn't what you want. Maybe you just want to hear where I am and what I'm working on. So...please leave me a comment or send me a email and let me know what you would like to read about. My sessions or about me and the effects that the session have on me. If you don't want to leave a comment then email me at imahoot286@sbcglobal.net.
Marriage counseling went great and we are to talk about things that bother us and if there is a decision to be made then we are to work out a contract and sign it and break it back in. If we have problems agreeing then our therapist will work it out and/or decide for us. The key here is to try and remove as much emotional triggers as possible. That will help so much. I just have a tendency to eat when I'm frustrated or in a emotional moment.
My Mindful Eating Group started Wednesday and it is led by the same psychologist as we are seeing for our marital counseling. The jury is still out on how that will go. I wasn't impressed with the first meeting. Really nothing got accomplished but then at first with any therapist it is breaking the ice type of thing. There are only 3 of us beside the therapist in the group. I could have hoped for more. There is another lady who is an attorney and she is large but not like me and then there is a guy who is retired from BP and then there is me the lazy stay at home wife who just game up all her fun on Facebook which by the way was a good thing. Hard to tell how this one is going to work. Here is my concern. We are using the work book by Susan Alber's that goes with her mindful eating book. The group is to last 6 weeks. We have already had 1 week so 5 left. There are 11 or 12 chapters in the workbook. I've already completed 3 of them with Kathy. So...do I have to say much more. Did I just pay for 2 weeks of additional information about Chapters 4 and 5. Well what about the other weeks? Damn it I need to learn how to eat mindfully. Hear me? They don't! I'm real frustrated in this area of my recovery. I just can't decide to bitch now or later. Not sure with how this is all going to flow. Debating what to say to Dr. Michel when she asked me what I thought about it. Don't know what to do!
I can't make up my mind about the way Anna is going to be in this big picture. I want her in this but it isn't working like I had hoped. Kathy and Dr. Michel have done nothing but left messages for Anna and Anna has done the same. You would think that if you had 3 treatment people who were having a hard time meeting up you would agree to have a conference call one day after work. Hell, I'll pay for the it!
I know you are hearing frustrations yet I'm the one that keeps writing $150, $100, $300, $80 and $30 dollars every week, yet the $300 prepays my 6 week group. I need progress! I feel like I'm spinning like a F-5 tornado in between this team. I just may have to use this week to bitch! I know what Anna would tell me to do and that is to speak up for myself that the reality is I'm in control Humm..
So, we will see what tomorrow brings. Let me know what you think and we will all go from here. Thanks for being here for me! Even though ya'll don't talk back it feels good to feel that someone cares. A few of my friends here don't but that is another long story that I just don't feel like writing about today. Maybe later.
Love y'all!
Marriage counseling went great and we are to talk about things that bother us and if there is a decision to be made then we are to work out a contract and sign it and break it back in. If we have problems agreeing then our therapist will work it out and/or decide for us. The key here is to try and remove as much emotional triggers as possible. That will help so much. I just have a tendency to eat when I'm frustrated or in a emotional moment.
My Mindful Eating Group started Wednesday and it is led by the same psychologist as we are seeing for our marital counseling. The jury is still out on how that will go. I wasn't impressed with the first meeting. Really nothing got accomplished but then at first with any therapist it is breaking the ice type of thing. There are only 3 of us beside the therapist in the group. I could have hoped for more. There is another lady who is an attorney and she is large but not like me and then there is a guy who is retired from BP and then there is me the lazy stay at home wife who just game up all her fun on Facebook which by the way was a good thing. Hard to tell how this one is going to work. Here is my concern. We are using the work book by Susan Alber's that goes with her mindful eating book. The group is to last 6 weeks. We have already had 1 week so 5 left. There are 11 or 12 chapters in the workbook. I've already completed 3 of them with Kathy. So...do I have to say much more. Did I just pay for 2 weeks of additional information about Chapters 4 and 5. Well what about the other weeks? Damn it I need to learn how to eat mindfully. Hear me? They don't! I'm real frustrated in this area of my recovery. I just can't decide to bitch now or later. Not sure with how this is all going to flow. Debating what to say to Dr. Michel when she asked me what I thought about it. Don't know what to do!
I can't make up my mind about the way Anna is going to be in this big picture. I want her in this but it isn't working like I had hoped. Kathy and Dr. Michel have done nothing but left messages for Anna and Anna has done the same. You would think that if you had 3 treatment people who were having a hard time meeting up you would agree to have a conference call one day after work. Hell, I'll pay for the it!
I know you are hearing frustrations yet I'm the one that keeps writing $150, $100, $300, $80 and $30 dollars every week, yet the $300 prepays my 6 week group. I need progress! I feel like I'm spinning like a F-5 tornado in between this team. I just may have to use this week to bitch! I know what Anna would tell me to do and that is to speak up for myself that the reality is I'm in control Humm..
So, we will see what tomorrow brings. Let me know what you think and we will all go from here. Thanks for being here for me! Even though ya'll don't talk back it feels good to feel that someone cares. A few of my friends here don't but that is another long story that I just don't feel like writing about today. Maybe later.
Love y'all!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Thursday Sessions....Wonderful!
If you listened to the Thom Rutledge talk I hope you enjoyed it as much as I have. There is a lot of good things out there to look at. In fact I messing around the computer I found a Binge Eating Blog where the guy who writes it created a computer App. Boy if he could create it for the phone he would make a ton of money. You need to go and check it out. It is called Binge Buddy and here is the link to it:
Binge Buddy
My session with Anna today was excellent! We mainly talked about my session with Dr. Michel on Monday plus my post on Facebook giving up my games which she was really happy about. One thing that I ran across this morning was a article about Sibling Bullying can cause Eating Disorders. When I read the title of the article it just ran chills through my body. We have never discussed my relationship with my brother. It has never been normal. As kids we couldn't stand each other. I tried but he was and is a piece of work. We have only discussed the issues with my parents and how they treated him. OMG! This was huge to me! Anna about fell out of her chair when I told her about it. We talked about our fights and how he would do things and all he had to say was "Laura started it" or "Laura did it" and I got in trouble. Every single time! I can remember when I was in Junior High and he was in high school him pushing me down from being in the middle of the mirror trying to get ready for school for him to comb his hair. He would stand there and say "Don't you wish you were as good looking as me?" or "Don't you wish you were as popular as me" That was when I really started hating him and when people asked me if we were related I would tell that that I didn't know who he was. I kid you not some people would see us get out of the car together and want to be my friend to get closer to him. I had to be careful who I ran around with and who I would let be my friend. Horrible! I think that this needs to be explored more. Anna does too!
Anna and I talked about me just seeing her to talk about things that might be bugging me while working with my team. At her office I thought that would be nice but since then I have thought I really don't want to have a place to voice what I don't like, I need to be letting the team know. Since our meeting I have decided that starting in September I will go to seeing Anna every other week so that I can keep her updated on what is going on just in case I run into the issue of not being able to afford working with my team and have to come back and just finish up with Anna. I told Anna about Dr. Michel's concern in doing that could cause confusion because of different psychology styles. Anna understood and she told me that she would not want to ever do that. It is just so hard to let go of someone you trust and shared so deeply with. Anna also invited me to be a part of a Mindful Eating group that she is starting next week based on the workbook that Kathy and I have worked out of. It also goes with the book that the group that I start attending next week under the direction of Dr. Michel is using. I hated to tell Anna no but it sounds like it isn't really organized too well but more of a time that her, a friend of hers, me and another patient would sit and discuss so I decided that i would attend. It is only going to be for 4 weeks. I couldn't hurt.
My visit with Kathy was a short one because she was leaving on vacation. That means that I won't see her for 2 weeks. We talked about the fact that I can leave my sessions all pumped up and ready to work hard and I don't follow through. We went over my goals again which is to stop eating at the places that we go to over and over and over. To find new places, to eat at the table every single meal. To stay mindful by putting down my fork when I speak and/or listen to conversation as I get distracted. Make sure I'm in tune with my body before eating, listen to music is a option, shop for what looks good, and ask myself before meal times and snack times "What do I want?" and make sure that I eat that. Get all diet food out of the house. Stock the pantry and refrigerator with options that I can pick from that will interest me each week. I must start doing all of this!
So Saturday we had our first meeting with Stacy who is our psychologist and she is also leading my mindful eating group that starts tomorrow. I will write tomorrow about our meeting with Stacy this past Saturday and my session with Dr Michel. I'll get you all going again. It's a whirlwind here and yes, I am missing my games!!!!! I'll work through it! I'm sure it will take time!
Till tomorrow!
Binge Buddy
My session with Anna today was excellent! We mainly talked about my session with Dr. Michel on Monday plus my post on Facebook giving up my games which she was really happy about. One thing that I ran across this morning was a article about Sibling Bullying can cause Eating Disorders. When I read the title of the article it just ran chills through my body. We have never discussed my relationship with my brother. It has never been normal. As kids we couldn't stand each other. I tried but he was and is a piece of work. We have only discussed the issues with my parents and how they treated him. OMG! This was huge to me! Anna about fell out of her chair when I told her about it. We talked about our fights and how he would do things and all he had to say was "Laura started it" or "Laura did it" and I got in trouble. Every single time! I can remember when I was in Junior High and he was in high school him pushing me down from being in the middle of the mirror trying to get ready for school for him to comb his hair. He would stand there and say "Don't you wish you were as good looking as me?" or "Don't you wish you were as popular as me" That was when I really started hating him and when people asked me if we were related I would tell that that I didn't know who he was. I kid you not some people would see us get out of the car together and want to be my friend to get closer to him. I had to be careful who I ran around with and who I would let be my friend. Horrible! I think that this needs to be explored more. Anna does too!
Anna and I talked about me just seeing her to talk about things that might be bugging me while working with my team. At her office I thought that would be nice but since then I have thought I really don't want to have a place to voice what I don't like, I need to be letting the team know. Since our meeting I have decided that starting in September I will go to seeing Anna every other week so that I can keep her updated on what is going on just in case I run into the issue of not being able to afford working with my team and have to come back and just finish up with Anna. I told Anna about Dr. Michel's concern in doing that could cause confusion because of different psychology styles. Anna understood and she told me that she would not want to ever do that. It is just so hard to let go of someone you trust and shared so deeply with. Anna also invited me to be a part of a Mindful Eating group that she is starting next week based on the workbook that Kathy and I have worked out of. It also goes with the book that the group that I start attending next week under the direction of Dr. Michel is using. I hated to tell Anna no but it sounds like it isn't really organized too well but more of a time that her, a friend of hers, me and another patient would sit and discuss so I decided that i would attend. It is only going to be for 4 weeks. I couldn't hurt.
My visit with Kathy was a short one because she was leaving on vacation. That means that I won't see her for 2 weeks. We talked about the fact that I can leave my sessions all pumped up and ready to work hard and I don't follow through. We went over my goals again which is to stop eating at the places that we go to over and over and over. To find new places, to eat at the table every single meal. To stay mindful by putting down my fork when I speak and/or listen to conversation as I get distracted. Make sure I'm in tune with my body before eating, listen to music is a option, shop for what looks good, and ask myself before meal times and snack times "What do I want?" and make sure that I eat that. Get all diet food out of the house. Stock the pantry and refrigerator with options that I can pick from that will interest me each week. I must start doing all of this!
So Saturday we had our first meeting with Stacy who is our psychologist and she is also leading my mindful eating group that starts tomorrow. I will write tomorrow about our meeting with Stacy this past Saturday and my session with Dr Michel. I'll get you all going again. It's a whirlwind here and yes, I am missing my games!!!!! I'll work through it! I'm sure it will take time!
Till tomorrow!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
I Did It!!!!
I haven't said anything about this, just kinda keeping it to myself and working on it. Between Anna and Kathy (mostly Kathy) I knew that I really needed to give up the games that I play nearly 24 hours a day on Facebook. Since gaining all this weight and not getting around like I use to I started playing Hidden Chronicles when it first came out. I made over 200 friends over the last 2 years playing that game. Some have become really close friends. I just couldn't bare losing my friends. At least I thought I would. Night before last I finally realized with all that is fixing to happen with my treatment it was time that I said goodbye. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. You have to realize that this had become my lifeline ever since Karen moved to Norway and my life started being at home 7 days a week except for Dr. appointments.
Here is what I posted:
To All my Gaming friends. I have come to the decision that I am going to have to give up all games on Facebook. The thing that you all don't know about me is that I'm in treatment for a Eating Disorder and I'm in a battle to save my life. I'm in extensive treatment seeing a treatment team 5 times a week. I have to do this. I need to devote all my time and energy to my recovery. I hope you all understand. Each of you have been so dear to me helping achieve my goals in Hidden Chronicles. Just know that this decision has not been a easy one for me but one that has been thought about and worked on with my treatment team. I just can't sit with a computer in my lap all day anymore. I have to start doing things to work at saving my life because right now my weight is critical. I will be unfriending you all and deleting Hidden Chronicles and Candy Crush Saga so that you no longer see me on your drop down list when making your requests. Maybe someday I will be back. Who knows. If you want to stay in touch you can email me. My address is in my About Me page. Thanks again. You all have wonderful and I will always treasure the fun times we have had helping each other. I wish you all only the best.
I was shocked at the out pouring of love. After sleeping for a little while I spent most of the day crying at things posted and personal messages that were sent to me. Here are a couple of examples that really touched me. Let me say this...these were from people that I never communicated with, didn't know, we only helped each other with requests needed to play the game.
We were not friends Laura,but i wish you all the luck in the world to conquer this,take care & i pray the treatment works for you. In there when you are well,i hope you decide to come back to your friends & add me too. Until that day comes around remember to look after yourself.May God Bless you & keep you safe & well. Love to you xx<3
I had to write her. I was so touched that she would post that and we were not even friends. This came out of a group that I belonged to that gave tips to the game and just some of the group were my friends. Here is what I wrote back and her response.
Thank you so much for your sweet words. They mean so much to me. This is a battle and they have told me this will be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I feel it but I'm ready to do what ever it takes. I have had this eating disorder for nearly 50 years. It has robbed me of too much life. I want to enjoy what I have left. I wish you the best and again thank you so much for your sweet and kind words.
Thank you so much Laura for taking the time to write to me,your life is the most valuable asset you will ever own. I hate to lose you as a friend,forget the games but please keep some of your friends for support at times when you may just need someone to chat to. I wish you all the luck in the World,& i wish i could be near you to hold you & tell you all will be ok but things do not work like that in life. If you decide to keep a few of your friends from f/b will you please consider me as 1 of them. I hate to think of you fighting this,you remind me so much of 1 of my Daughters. If you do not wish to carry on with anything on f/b.....I admire you & pray to God above to give you the strength you will need to overcome your fight for life. May God Bless you & his Angels comfort you xxx ps i am always here for you if you need me sweet lady xxxxx
Is that the sweetest thing? We ended up becoming friends on FB.
Here is one more that really touched me:
Laura you have to do what is best for you, By putting this out there shows me that you want to get better and you are a strong person and you are going to do whatever needs to get done to make that happen, Kudo,s to you because people do judge and it was probably not an easy thing for you to let us all know about this, You go girl and just know we are all here to support and help you any way we can,If I can help you in any way please do not hesitate to message me,I have seen and been there to watch women and men go through this and it is not an easy thing ,but you sound like you are very positive and strong person and you are going to beat this thing, I wish nothing but the best for you and please keep us updated on how you are doing,god bless you and a big hug coming your way,
There were many others like these, it was almost overwhelming. Even from the post that I also put on my regular Facebook page were the outpouring from my own friends of support. I really have been hush hush about this. Only those of you who read my blog know what is going on. Of course my family and closest friends. Needless to say I was shocked by the outpouring of love I received.
Today Anna and Kathy will be jumping up and down over this. Monday Dr. Michel will. I feel better with it all being behind me. I am ready to start doing the things that I need to do to recover. It may not be weighing and measuring food and recording each an every exact amount but it will be taking a good long look at these emotions that drive me to eat and journaling about them. It will be reading my books and working all the exercises. It will be doing more things around the house and letting go of excuses that keep me out of the kitchen. But I am ready to go for it.
A few weeks ago I was so fortunate to come across a really cool resource. One that I really wanted to join and get plugged into. You all know that Kathy has me reading "Life Without ED" by Jenni Schaefer. I became friends with her on Facebook. Well one day she posted about this on-line mentoring group called MentorCONNECT. I immediately went to their website and I was so excited to see that finally I was going to be able to connect with people that shared the same problem that I have. I wanted to joined and get a Mentor and I wanted to join their Community Forum so that I could stop feeling so alone. I knew that I should clear this with Dr. Michel so I waited. But while I was exploring the site I ran across a section that contained Podcasts that you could listen to for free. They had some by Jenni Schaefer and some by her psychologist Thom Rutledge who co-authored Life Without ED. I was on cloud nine. I knew that I was safe listening to the two of them since my team thinks so highly of them. I did listen to a couple of them and I as really moved by them. That Monday I asked Dr. Michel about MentorCONNECT and she knew of them and told me the person who started it was someone she knows. She just happens to be here in Houston! Dr. Michel told me to hold off for now in joining but she didn't mind me listening to the podcasts just let her know which ones I'm listening to so that she could listen also and we could discuss them. Fair enough. She did tell me at some point in time she will let me join. She wants to check with the person who started it what is their criteria for someone to become a Mentor. I can understand that and I appreciate Dr. Michel being careful in what I do as I start my recovery. Here is one that I listen to that I can't get enough of. You may like to hear it to. Here is the link:
Hardest Part of Recovery With Thom Rutledge
I hope you will take the time to listen. It is a really good talk. I'm sure all of them on the webite are excellent as well and here is how you find them:
MentorCONNECT Teleconferences Podcasts
Tomorrow I will share about my sessions today with Anna and Kathy! Stay tuned.
Here is what I posted:
To All my Gaming friends. I have come to the decision that I am going to have to give up all games on Facebook. The thing that you all don't know about me is that I'm in treatment for a Eating Disorder and I'm in a battle to save my life. I'm in extensive treatment seeing a treatment team 5 times a week. I have to do this. I need to devote all my time and energy to my recovery. I hope you all understand. Each of you have been so dear to me helping achieve my goals in Hidden Chronicles. Just know that this decision has not been a easy one for me but one that has been thought about and worked on with my treatment team. I just can't sit with a computer in my lap all day anymore. I have to start doing things to work at saving my life because right now my weight is critical. I will be unfriending you all and deleting Hidden Chronicles and Candy Crush Saga so that you no longer see me on your drop down list when making your requests. Maybe someday I will be back. Who knows. If you want to stay in touch you can email me. My address is in my About Me page. Thanks again. You all have wonderful and I will always treasure the fun times we have had helping each other. I wish you all only the best.
I was shocked at the out pouring of love. After sleeping for a little while I spent most of the day crying at things posted and personal messages that were sent to me. Here are a couple of examples that really touched me. Let me say this...these were from people that I never communicated with, didn't know, we only helped each other with requests needed to play the game.
We were not friends Laura,but i wish you all the luck in the world to conquer this,take care & i pray the treatment works for you. In there when you are well,i hope you decide to come back to your friends & add me too. Until that day comes around remember to look after yourself.May God Bless you & keep you safe & well. Love to you xx<3
I had to write her. I was so touched that she would post that and we were not even friends. This came out of a group that I belonged to that gave tips to the game and just some of the group were my friends. Here is what I wrote back and her response.
Thank you so much for your sweet words. They mean so much to me. This is a battle and they have told me this will be the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I feel it but I'm ready to do what ever it takes. I have had this eating disorder for nearly 50 years. It has robbed me of too much life. I want to enjoy what I have left. I wish you the best and again thank you so much for your sweet and kind words.
Thank you so much Laura for taking the time to write to me,your life is the most valuable asset you will ever own. I hate to lose you as a friend,forget the games but please keep some of your friends for support at times when you may just need someone to chat to. I wish you all the luck in the World,& i wish i could be near you to hold you & tell you all will be ok but things do not work like that in life. If you decide to keep a few of your friends from f/b will you please consider me as 1 of them. I hate to think of you fighting this,you remind me so much of 1 of my Daughters. If you do not wish to carry on with anything on f/b.....I admire you & pray to God above to give you the strength you will need to overcome your fight for life. May God Bless you & his Angels comfort you xxx ps i am always here for you if you need me sweet lady xxxxx
Is that the sweetest thing? We ended up becoming friends on FB.
Here is one more that really touched me:
Laura you have to do what is best for you, By putting this out there shows me that you want to get better and you are a strong person and you are going to do whatever needs to get done to make that happen, Kudo,s to you because people do judge and it was probably not an easy thing for you to let us all know about this, You go girl and just know we are all here to support and help you any way we can,If I can help you in any way please do not hesitate to message me,I have seen and been there to watch women and men go through this and it is not an easy thing ,but you sound like you are very positive and strong person and you are going to beat this thing, I wish nothing but the best for you and please keep us updated on how you are doing,god bless you and a big hug coming your way,
There were many others like these, it was almost overwhelming. Even from the post that I also put on my regular Facebook page were the outpouring from my own friends of support. I really have been hush hush about this. Only those of you who read my blog know what is going on. Of course my family and closest friends. Needless to say I was shocked by the outpouring of love I received.
Today Anna and Kathy will be jumping up and down over this. Monday Dr. Michel will. I feel better with it all being behind me. I am ready to start doing the things that I need to do to recover. It may not be weighing and measuring food and recording each an every exact amount but it will be taking a good long look at these emotions that drive me to eat and journaling about them. It will be reading my books and working all the exercises. It will be doing more things around the house and letting go of excuses that keep me out of the kitchen. But I am ready to go for it.
A few weeks ago I was so fortunate to come across a really cool resource. One that I really wanted to join and get plugged into. You all know that Kathy has me reading "Life Without ED" by Jenni Schaefer. I became friends with her on Facebook. Well one day she posted about this on-line mentoring group called MentorCONNECT. I immediately went to their website and I was so excited to see that finally I was going to be able to connect with people that shared the same problem that I have. I wanted to joined and get a Mentor and I wanted to join their Community Forum so that I could stop feeling so alone. I knew that I should clear this with Dr. Michel so I waited. But while I was exploring the site I ran across a section that contained Podcasts that you could listen to for free. They had some by Jenni Schaefer and some by her psychologist Thom Rutledge who co-authored Life Without ED. I was on cloud nine. I knew that I was safe listening to the two of them since my team thinks so highly of them. I did listen to a couple of them and I as really moved by them. That Monday I asked Dr. Michel about MentorCONNECT and she knew of them and told me the person who started it was someone she knows. She just happens to be here in Houston! Dr. Michel told me to hold off for now in joining but she didn't mind me listening to the podcasts just let her know which ones I'm listening to so that she could listen also and we could discuss them. Fair enough. She did tell me at some point in time she will let me join. She wants to check with the person who started it what is their criteria for someone to become a Mentor. I can understand that and I appreciate Dr. Michel being careful in what I do as I start my recovery. Here is one that I listen to that I can't get enough of. You may like to hear it to. Here is the link:
Hardest Part of Recovery With Thom Rutledge
I hope you will take the time to listen. It is a really good talk. I'm sure all of them on the webite are excellent as well and here is how you find them:
MentorCONNECT Teleconferences Podcasts
Tomorrow I will share about my sessions today with Anna and Kathy! Stay tuned.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
I Have To Be Honest...This Was A Horrible Day!
I'm still on my same trend of not sleeping well and getting up around 3:00 and going to the media and going back to sleep. My cat Bert is driving me crazy. He has started sleeping on my pillow. It's o.k. until I need to flip it and you just can't flip a 15 pound cat easily. Then there is Ernie who has positioned himself in the small space between Mark ad I and then Oliver who is behind my knees. Fun! I love my boys but I'm praying that they find a different place to crash at night.
I cut myself a little short on time to get ready to see Dr. Michel so I had to wear my hair curly. Not sure if I mentioned it but my ex-hairdresser talked me into a different cut and to wear my hair curly. Well, I tried to like it but I just don't. When I blew it out straight i really saw what a mess she made of my hair, so I had to get it fixed and it is shorter than I like and I will not go back to her. It is nice though when I don't have time to blow it dry and flat iron it I can scrunch it and go!
On my way up there I was talking to my dear friend Bobbie and my stomach got crampy! Of course I decided this morning that I would need my bag which contains the items I need to help with my hygiene since my weight has gone up so much. Well, I got caught and I could have died and cried all at the same time. I did not want to miss my appointment. I have to pay unless I give 24 hours notice. I did the best that I could and disgusted and embarrassed as I was I walked down the hall to the office and I prayed like a crazy women that I didn't smell. I'm telling you this only because when you get into this kind of shape this a reality of your life. It is the worse thing ever and just think about the grossly obese people you see nearly everyday and know that they have that same issue. It is so freakin sad. Do I accept responsibility to getting in the shape. You bet I do. But I will tell you words can't describe how I feel about it. Rest assured I will not talk about this again. Right now I hate my life! I'm so miserable!
My sessions with Dr. Michel have been helpful but kinda light right now. I think it's because she has been trying to catch Anna and talk to her. Today she asked me how our session went last Thursday and I told her that Anna just doesn't want to work in the capacity that I had hoped for. She wants to keep my sessions separate and just work on whatever I think I need additional help with. I then told Dr. Michel that Anna did some hypnosis on helping me get in contact with my inner body and when she got to my gut my thoughts were dieting. I told her that Anna told me that dieting didn't mean that I needed to go on a diet but could possibly be my body telling me that it wants to eat more healthy. She could be right because these last months I have really enjoyed some of the forbidden food from all the dieting years. Of course this is within mindfulness most of the time. Dr. Michel expressed her concern with what Anna wanted to do in that she realizes that therapists have their own style and approach and her concern that they could be different and could possibly cause some confusion. I can see and understand that one So I decided that for now I am going to slow down my seeing Anna to every other week so that she can be aware of what is going on but not really do any work with her. At the price of this extensive work I know it can't last forever and I'm pretty sure that this will change and Anna will be primary and will be following up with Dr. Michel at some point in time We will just have to see.
She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was disgusted with myself. I told her that I didn't know why I could do something great for about 3 weeks and then life happens and I go to pieces and what I'm doing just follows the trend. I told her that Kathy and I had a great session and that Kathy did not want me to be eating at our "habit" places and to find new places. We also set some new goals and I was really pumped to get it all going when I left her office. I told by that night Mark got home and he was tired and he didn't want to help me cook so he asked me "Could you just put off starting this till tomorrow" and I said o.k. Well, Dr. Michel just about came unglued and told me we have got to get the two of you started in the marriage counseling. She says Mark has got t understand that he can't do this. She said that was really bad. I knew it but I also told her that I let him and went along with him. I guess this is why they want us to see a Eating Disorder Marriage Counselor which we start this coming Saturday. Back to the issue, I told Dr. Michel that I have even walked away from her sessions pumped and can't follow through. I told her that it was driving me crazy! I tried really hard to express that this has been a big hug downfall for me even during my dieting years. I told her somehow this has got to stop. I need help. She again told me that I was the one making the decisions and I need to realize that this is my opportunity to turn things around and when these negative behaviors start I need to stop and think about my actions and see that I have the opportunity not to make the bad choice. Boy is this habit going to be a hard one to break. I'm seeing just how hard this work is going to be. Thank God I don't have to deal with points, weighing and measuring and that kind of thing. I'm really starting to see that the work and energy is stopping and rewiring my brain! I know that I can do this. I will! I have to! I'm starting to also see where I need to really journal about these issues and break them down and work it out.
Dr. Michel asked me when I had my last binge. I told her when Mark and Stacey were in Galveston and I ordered the small pizza and sat in the media room and ate all of it. Then I told her that really I didn't truly understand if other things that I might be doing would constitute a binge. I told her that last week I wanted BBQ and I wanted a chicken and rib plate with double potato salad and so Mark brought that home for me. I told her that it had a leg, a thigh, 2 ribs and the potato salad and I ate all of it except for the 2nd potato salad. Her eyes got really big. She asked me how did you feel after eating that? Were you disgusted with yourself? I told her hell yea I was. She asked me how did my stomach feel and I told her I wasn't hurting but I felt really full and she told me that it was a binge. OMG! You know that is something this restaurant offers so that tells me the people going in there and eating that plate/combination are binging! Boy did that give me a clear picture of how bad eating out. It is a binge for me every time! I've got so much to learn and work on! She also told me that there was some new criteria out that classified rather or not you had Binge Eating Disorder. She said that if you binged at least 2 to 3 ties a week for a period of 3 months you had the disorder. Well, I"m there! She told me that when I get to the point that I haven't binged for 3 months I'm on the road to recovery. Well my first thought. Dang this will be a piece of cake and then I remembered that I can only behave well for about 3 weeks and then she busted my bubble on my BBQ habit and I see that maybe those 3 weeks were really not so great. She told me that she wanted me to take BBQ off my list for now. Dang! But I will do it. I do want to get well.
She then talked to me about a plaque that she has hanging in her office. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step" (or something like that). She told me that I needed to surround myself with positive things like that. She went ad pulled the plaque off the wall and showed it to me. I have already been looking for things that would remind me to have Hope. She has already told me that without hope recovery is not possible. She did also ask me my thoughts of the Serenity Prayer. I used to love that but my time in OA turned me off to it. I will have to work on getting out to see what positive little plaques or things that I can sit around my house to remind me of this journey and to have hope to keep my strength to fight up.
That was pretty much our session today. And you know what? I blew it already! My neighbor Rae's birthday was yesterday and I wanted to take over the gift I got her but I found out that she was alone and very disappointed that her kids had not planned anything for her birthday. So I acted like we were going out for dinner and our plan was if she wasn't doing anything we also wanted to treat her to dinner for her special day. OK. I thought, I can deal with it. Well we asked her what she would like to eat and she wanted Mexican food. OMG. I was overly hungry because it had been too long since my snack so I over did it on chips, salsa and queso. When they brought me my cheese enchiladas and sat it down in front of me I became way overwhelmed. Mark and Rae both asked me what was wrong and I told them nothing but kept staring at this plate of food that I all of a sudden didn't want. Mark said "You are going to eat that aren't you?" and knowing how he is about wasting money I told him that I was and even though I didn't want to I managed to eat the enchiladas but left everything else. They didn't even taste good. Humm....I wonder if that was because I wasn't hungry. Again I messed up...
Oh boy...I have so much to learn...I feel big wheels are beginning to turn this week. Hold on for the trip to my extensive therapy and journey to recovery....
I cut myself a little short on time to get ready to see Dr. Michel so I had to wear my hair curly. Not sure if I mentioned it but my ex-hairdresser talked me into a different cut and to wear my hair curly. Well, I tried to like it but I just don't. When I blew it out straight i really saw what a mess she made of my hair, so I had to get it fixed and it is shorter than I like and I will not go back to her. It is nice though when I don't have time to blow it dry and flat iron it I can scrunch it and go!
On my way up there I was talking to my dear friend Bobbie and my stomach got crampy! Of course I decided this morning that I would need my bag which contains the items I need to help with my hygiene since my weight has gone up so much. Well, I got caught and I could have died and cried all at the same time. I did not want to miss my appointment. I have to pay unless I give 24 hours notice. I did the best that I could and disgusted and embarrassed as I was I walked down the hall to the office and I prayed like a crazy women that I didn't smell. I'm telling you this only because when you get into this kind of shape this a reality of your life. It is the worse thing ever and just think about the grossly obese people you see nearly everyday and know that they have that same issue. It is so freakin sad. Do I accept responsibility to getting in the shape. You bet I do. But I will tell you words can't describe how I feel about it. Rest assured I will not talk about this again. Right now I hate my life! I'm so miserable!
My sessions with Dr. Michel have been helpful but kinda light right now. I think it's because she has been trying to catch Anna and talk to her. Today she asked me how our session went last Thursday and I told her that Anna just doesn't want to work in the capacity that I had hoped for. She wants to keep my sessions separate and just work on whatever I think I need additional help with. I then told Dr. Michel that Anna did some hypnosis on helping me get in contact with my inner body and when she got to my gut my thoughts were dieting. I told her that Anna told me that dieting didn't mean that I needed to go on a diet but could possibly be my body telling me that it wants to eat more healthy. She could be right because these last months I have really enjoyed some of the forbidden food from all the dieting years. Of course this is within mindfulness most of the time. Dr. Michel expressed her concern with what Anna wanted to do in that she realizes that therapists have their own style and approach and her concern that they could be different and could possibly cause some confusion. I can see and understand that one So I decided that for now I am going to slow down my seeing Anna to every other week so that she can be aware of what is going on but not really do any work with her. At the price of this extensive work I know it can't last forever and I'm pretty sure that this will change and Anna will be primary and will be following up with Dr. Michel at some point in time We will just have to see.
She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was disgusted with myself. I told her that I didn't know why I could do something great for about 3 weeks and then life happens and I go to pieces and what I'm doing just follows the trend. I told her that Kathy and I had a great session and that Kathy did not want me to be eating at our "habit" places and to find new places. We also set some new goals and I was really pumped to get it all going when I left her office. I told by that night Mark got home and he was tired and he didn't want to help me cook so he asked me "Could you just put off starting this till tomorrow" and I said o.k. Well, Dr. Michel just about came unglued and told me we have got to get the two of you started in the marriage counseling. She says Mark has got t understand that he can't do this. She said that was really bad. I knew it but I also told her that I let him and went along with him. I guess this is why they want us to see a Eating Disorder Marriage Counselor which we start this coming Saturday. Back to the issue, I told Dr. Michel that I have even walked away from her sessions pumped and can't follow through. I told her that it was driving me crazy! I tried really hard to express that this has been a big hug downfall for me even during my dieting years. I told her somehow this has got to stop. I need help. She again told me that I was the one making the decisions and I need to realize that this is my opportunity to turn things around and when these negative behaviors start I need to stop and think about my actions and see that I have the opportunity not to make the bad choice. Boy is this habit going to be a hard one to break. I'm seeing just how hard this work is going to be. Thank God I don't have to deal with points, weighing and measuring and that kind of thing. I'm really starting to see that the work and energy is stopping and rewiring my brain! I know that I can do this. I will! I have to! I'm starting to also see where I need to really journal about these issues and break them down and work it out.
Dr. Michel asked me when I had my last binge. I told her when Mark and Stacey were in Galveston and I ordered the small pizza and sat in the media room and ate all of it. Then I told her that really I didn't truly understand if other things that I might be doing would constitute a binge. I told her that last week I wanted BBQ and I wanted a chicken and rib plate with double potato salad and so Mark brought that home for me. I told her that it had a leg, a thigh, 2 ribs and the potato salad and I ate all of it except for the 2nd potato salad. Her eyes got really big. She asked me how did you feel after eating that? Were you disgusted with yourself? I told her hell yea I was. She asked me how did my stomach feel and I told her I wasn't hurting but I felt really full and she told me that it was a binge. OMG! You know that is something this restaurant offers so that tells me the people going in there and eating that plate/combination are binging! Boy did that give me a clear picture of how bad eating out. It is a binge for me every time! I've got so much to learn and work on! She also told me that there was some new criteria out that classified rather or not you had Binge Eating Disorder. She said that if you binged at least 2 to 3 ties a week for a period of 3 months you had the disorder. Well, I"m there! She told me that when I get to the point that I haven't binged for 3 months I'm on the road to recovery. Well my first thought. Dang this will be a piece of cake and then I remembered that I can only behave well for about 3 weeks and then she busted my bubble on my BBQ habit and I see that maybe those 3 weeks were really not so great. She told me that she wanted me to take BBQ off my list for now. Dang! But I will do it. I do want to get well.
She then talked to me about a plaque that she has hanging in her office. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step" (or something like that). She told me that I needed to surround myself with positive things like that. She went ad pulled the plaque off the wall and showed it to me. I have already been looking for things that would remind me to have Hope. She has already told me that without hope recovery is not possible. She did also ask me my thoughts of the Serenity Prayer. I used to love that but my time in OA turned me off to it. I will have to work on getting out to see what positive little plaques or things that I can sit around my house to remind me of this journey and to have hope to keep my strength to fight up.
That was pretty much our session today. And you know what? I blew it already! My neighbor Rae's birthday was yesterday and I wanted to take over the gift I got her but I found out that she was alone and very disappointed that her kids had not planned anything for her birthday. So I acted like we were going out for dinner and our plan was if she wasn't doing anything we also wanted to treat her to dinner for her special day. OK. I thought, I can deal with it. Well we asked her what she would like to eat and she wanted Mexican food. OMG. I was overly hungry because it had been too long since my snack so I over did it on chips, salsa and queso. When they brought me my cheese enchiladas and sat it down in front of me I became way overwhelmed. Mark and Rae both asked me what was wrong and I told them nothing but kept staring at this plate of food that I all of a sudden didn't want. Mark said "You are going to eat that aren't you?" and knowing how he is about wasting money I told him that I was and even though I didn't want to I managed to eat the enchiladas but left everything else. They didn't even taste good. Humm....I wonder if that was because I wasn't hungry. Again I messed up...
Oh boy...I have so much to learn...I feel big wheels are beginning to turn this week. Hold on for the trip to my extensive therapy and journey to recovery....
Monday, July 29, 2013
Finally Feel Like Writing...
I think that I am. I need to be!
So much has run together and I don't really have a good train of thought about everything because I'm telling you seeing 2 therapist, a dietitian every week has been a walk on the wild side for me. My head is spinning a bit but this is what I asked for. Intensive treatment. Yet, they are telling me if I had gone to a center for help it would have been all waking hours in some form of therapy. So I asked for it and I'm kinda thankful that I didn't take the other route.
I love Dr. Michel! She is incredible and really knows her stuff. She knows how to pick me up when I am down and she is able to turn me around when I'm looking at things in the wrong light without any harsh words. She is amazing. I have also found out she has written a book and several articles and she is known around the word in the field of eating disorders, so I feel that I am very very lucky to have the chance to work for her. Do I like the $150.00 a week? No. But I have to admit it is money that is well spent. Here is her bio:
Dr. Michel has devoted her career to the study and treatment of eating disorders. After receiving a Bachelor of Science degree in psychology from Texas A&M University, she continued her studies in clinical psychology and obtained her doctorate from The University of North Texas. While in graduate school, she began research in the area of eating disorders. She was then invited to Tulane University School of Medicine to complete her predoctoral internship as well as obtain specialty training in eating disorders under the direction of Susan Willard, an internationally recognized expert in the field. Dr. Michel is a Certified Eating Disorders Specialist (CEDS), which is a certification status granted by the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals to healthcare professionals who demonstrate clinical expertise in eating disorders through education, experience, and examination.
Dr. Michel has presented nationally and internationally on anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, and obesity. Her publications include the book entitled, When Dieting Becomes Dangerous: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Anorexia and Bulimia, as well as the first published article on the treatment of selective eating in adults. Research endeavors have focused on assessment, treatment, and prevention of eating disorders. She also founded and directed a weight management clinic within the Tulane Eating Disorders Program.
Dr. Michel has held academic appointments at Tulane University School of Medicine in the departments of Psychiatry and Neurology and in Public Health and Tropical Medicine. While at Tulane, she was actively involved in the training of psychology interns, psychiatric residents, and medical students as well as specialists in other areas of medicine. She also served as Co-Director of the Tulane Psychology Intern Training Program and participated in various academic committee activities including a Louisiana state-sponsored initiative on obesity.
In addition to directing services at The Woodlands Eating Disorders Center, Dr. Michel provides clinical consultation services to area schools, community organizations, and healthcare professionals. She also presents educational lectures to professionals, schools, and the general community. Dr. Michel continues to publish articles on eating disorders in professional journals as well as in community magazines.
Dr. Michel is an active member of the Academy for Eating Disorders, American Psychological Association, Houston Psychological Association, National Eating Disorders Association, Sam Houston Area Psychological Association, Society of Clinical Psychology, and Texas Psychological Association. She is a charter member of Houston Eating Disorders Specialists and serves on its executive board.
So much has run together and I don't really have a good train of thought about everything because I'm telling you seeing 2 therapist, a dietitian every week has been a walk on the wild side for me. My head is spinning a bit but this is what I asked for. Intensive treatment. Yet, they are telling me if I had gone to a center for help it would have been all waking hours in some form of therapy. So I asked for it and I'm kinda thankful that I didn't take the other route.
I love Dr. Michel! She is incredible and really knows her stuff. She knows how to pick me up when I am down and she is able to turn me around when I'm looking at things in the wrong light without any harsh words. She is amazing. I have also found out she has written a book and several articles and she is known around the word in the field of eating disorders, so I feel that I am very very lucky to have the chance to work for her. Do I like the $150.00 a week? No. But I have to admit it is money that is well spent. Here is her bio:
Dr. Michel has devoted her career to the study and treatment of eating disorders. After receiving a Bachelor of Science degree in psychology from Texas A&M University, she continued her studies in clinical psychology and obtained her doctorate from The University of North Texas. While in graduate school, she began research in the area of eating disorders. She was then invited to Tulane University School of Medicine to complete her predoctoral internship as well as obtain specialty training in eating disorders under the direction of Susan Willard, an internationally recognized expert in the field. Dr. Michel is a Certified Eating Disorders Specialist (CEDS), which is a certification status granted by the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals to healthcare professionals who demonstrate clinical expertise in eating disorders through education, experience, and examination.
Dr. Michel has presented nationally and internationally on anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, and obesity. Her publications include the book entitled, When Dieting Becomes Dangerous: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Anorexia and Bulimia, as well as the first published article on the treatment of selective eating in adults. Research endeavors have focused on assessment, treatment, and prevention of eating disorders. She also founded and directed a weight management clinic within the Tulane Eating Disorders Program.
Dr. Michel has held academic appointments at Tulane University School of Medicine in the departments of Psychiatry and Neurology and in Public Health and Tropical Medicine. While at Tulane, she was actively involved in the training of psychology interns, psychiatric residents, and medical students as well as specialists in other areas of medicine. She also served as Co-Director of the Tulane Psychology Intern Training Program and participated in various academic committee activities including a Louisiana state-sponsored initiative on obesity.
In addition to directing services at The Woodlands Eating Disorders Center, Dr. Michel provides clinical consultation services to area schools, community organizations, and healthcare professionals. She also presents educational lectures to professionals, schools, and the general community. Dr. Michel continues to publish articles on eating disorders in professional journals as well as in community magazines.
Dr. Michel is an active member of the Academy for Eating Disorders, American Psychological Association, Houston Psychological Association, National Eating Disorders Association, Sam Houston Area Psychological Association, Society of Clinical Psychology, and Texas Psychological Association. She is a charter member of Houston Eating Disorders Specialists and serves on its executive board.
So what do you think? Pretty qualified? I think so.
My first session with her was basically going over my dieting history and we didn't get to finish it. My second session with her was when I was a mess from Kathy reprimanding me for an hour that drove me to tears. She helped me see things in a different light by thinking back to when was the last time I felt like that before and it ended up being my mother. She ended showing me that it was an opportunity to be working with them and that they were not out to make me miserable but there to help. I think that she smoothed that all over and then had a pretty stern talk with Kathy because the following Saturday Mark had his first group session for family members and Kathy was in the office and I asked to talk to her and she didn't let me say much before telling me that she knew that Dr. Michel and I talked and she (Kathy) didn't feel like I heard anything she said and boy you can know that I told her that I heard every single word she said. She almost started on me again but her client came in and saved me! I think that this was when I quit writing. I can tell you that I was scared to death to see her the next week. I was pleasantly surprised that she was very nice and we had one of the best sessions ever! The way our sessions have remained. Thank God!
Kathy is pretty much working with me on shopping for things that look good. We did away with "good" and "bad" foods and "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods because it just gave my mind grief and caused all kinds of rebellion. Now she wants me to look for things that look good. Here is the example that she gave me. Let's say I'm shopping in the produce department and I see some really beautiful peaches and they catch my eye and I say to myself, "Man those are beautiful peaches, I would love one." then I need to buy it. Another example she gave me if I have pork chops on my list but I walk past the meat counter and some pretty steaks jump out at me then get the steaks and forget the pork chops. So I'm to eat what looks good. The problem so far is that I haven't shopped yet. We have talked about me shopping at smaller stores that are not overwhelming to me since my weight has crept back up over 420 lbs. That's right. Really sick. We will not discuss where my mind has been at. It is not in the best of places. I'm so disgusted with myself. Kathy has been working with me to pick different places to eat besides our usual and to pick things that are lower in sodium and menu items that are closer as to what I could get at home if possible. My problem which just came to me this weekend is I'm so embarrassed to get out that now I'm not leaving the house except to go and see my treatment team or my Doctors. I feel like all I do is waddle like a damn duck every where I go. I know that my weight is dangerously high and something has got to start happening but they tell me to "Trust the process" and I'm telling you that is wearing on my last nerve!
Just this last week my sleeping schedule got all off because of Shannon and Meredith's breakup and one day Mark called me about 4 times and could not wake me. He came home from the office scared to death that I had passed away only to find me sleeping and I didn't hear my phone. This is bad. Pray for me!!!!!!
I asked Dr. Michel one week if there was any hope for me. She told me that there is always hope. She reminded me of the Hope sign that she has in her waiting room. She told me without hope there is no recovery. I asked her with my eating disorder going on for nearly 50 years would I ever fully recover and she told me that I would. She said she would not be doing what she is doing if people like me didn't recover. I have no patience. Kathy and I talked about that last week as well. Kathy admitted she loses hers easily and I know that is right so I hope she can be patient while she is working with a tough stubborn person like me! Dr. Michel is having me reading my books again and for the last several weeks has been trying to hook up with Anna so that they can work together. I told Dr. Michel that I wanted her to run the show and I thought a good idea was to have Anna reinforce what she (Dr. Michel) did on Monday when I see Anna on Thursday. Well I found out this last week that Anna isn't crazy about that idea. Anna just wants to see what I need each week after working with them and she will help me further. Kathy doesn't like the idea but I don't care what she thinks. This about Dr. Michel and I see her in the morning and we'll see what happens. We have even talked about me taking a break from Anna for about 12 weeks. I don't want to do that. The other thing that Dr. Michel has suggested is that Mark and I go to marital counseling and we should start that soon. This isn't because we have problems but because he needs to understand eating disorders and what will help me and what will not help me. And I guess for me not to bite his head off when he won't do what I want. This should be interesting but I can see where it is needed.
Next week on Wednesday evenings I start my Mindful Eating Support Group and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping like crazy that it will help me with mindfulness. Another therapist Stacy and Kathy will be leading this 6 week support group.
I've missed a week with Anna because she was on vacation and then one week I looked at the clock wrong and missed a session with her. It was funny but it really wasn't because I love getting to see Anna and getting to unload my feelings. She thinks that they are doing too much but I'm not sure she is grasping that I asked for this and this is what I would be getting if I checked in to a in-house clinic somewhere. Hopefully her and Dr. Michel will connect real soon and we will see if Anna is going to work during this extensive time or not. This will not go on forever. Just to get me moving towards recovery a little quicker and more steadily.
So have I boggled your minds? Can you understand why getting behind has overwhelmed me? I'm sure there are tons that I'm forgetting but this is the jest of what is going on. On Monday's I see Dr. Michel for a hour, soon on Wednesday evenings I will have a group session on Mindful Eating, Thursday morning I have Anna at 10:00 and then I have Kathy at 11:30. The marital counseling will start soon on Saturday's. Mark goes to a group once a month for family support. That is it in a nutshell. Of course I'm reading books, and journaling and trying to balance friends that don't understand. I'm feeling very lonely these days. I feel all by myself and lost in a big, big world. I know that I will emerge out of this once again in a better place. I just have to trust the process..
I'm sad to say that I'm feeling bad about reconciling my friendship with Mike. He is so bad for me. He will not stay out of what I'm doing. He tells me that my team doesn't know what they are doing that I need to find people who will help me and blah, blah, blah. Just this week he told me that when he was coaching me in Weight Watchers that I lied to him because someone in our group told him that I had told them that I had a hard week with my eating but told him that I was good all week. I can tell you I lost it. I could have torn that man in two! I never lied to him, I made my journal available to him at all times but he didn't want to see it and why? He said that I lied on it!!!! Anyway I told him whoever told him this was a damn liar. He then told me that he would believe me because I was his friend. That was my final draw for him this week. This conversation was all because I told him that Kathy knew by my recovery record rather or not I was losing weight and that was why they didn't want me to weigh. That is what they told me. I trust my team. He told me that he and his buddy talked about that and it wasn't true because people with food problems lie. Well I don't. Why would I want to? I want to get well! I want to recover! I want to be healthy!!!!! Why do I want to pay over $1,000.00 a month and lie?????!!!!! Insurance is not paying a dime for any of this except Anna! He is such a pig-ass!!!! I love Sandy who supports me 100%. I may try talking to her about Mike and see if she can help me. Mike and I can be friends if he stays out of this part of my life. This week my goal is not to allow him to ask me anything about what is going on, how my sessions are going, nothing. nada. Wish me luck! If he doesn't then he will have to permanently not be a part of my life!!!!!
Tomorrow I will share with you about some things that I found on the Internet that are helping me a lot. Some blogs and some talks that can be listened to on-line. The Eating Disorder field is a large one and full of very experienced people. If only the dieting industry and the Eating Disorder Industry to could get together and see eye to eye and work together, this word would be a better place and there would be a lot of happy people who would be free from what is weighing them down and we know what that is.....WEIGHT!
Tomorrow I will also share with you how my session with Dr. Michel goes and hopefully I will keep you all more up to date about my treatment process. Thanks for hanging in there with me! This is going to get better. At least that is what they are telling me!
My first session with her was basically going over my dieting history and we didn't get to finish it. My second session with her was when I was a mess from Kathy reprimanding me for an hour that drove me to tears. She helped me see things in a different light by thinking back to when was the last time I felt like that before and it ended up being my mother. She ended showing me that it was an opportunity to be working with them and that they were not out to make me miserable but there to help. I think that she smoothed that all over and then had a pretty stern talk with Kathy because the following Saturday Mark had his first group session for family members and Kathy was in the office and I asked to talk to her and she didn't let me say much before telling me that she knew that Dr. Michel and I talked and she (Kathy) didn't feel like I heard anything she said and boy you can know that I told her that I heard every single word she said. She almost started on me again but her client came in and saved me! I think that this was when I quit writing. I can tell you that I was scared to death to see her the next week. I was pleasantly surprised that she was very nice and we had one of the best sessions ever! The way our sessions have remained. Thank God!
Kathy is pretty much working with me on shopping for things that look good. We did away with "good" and "bad" foods and "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods because it just gave my mind grief and caused all kinds of rebellion. Now she wants me to look for things that look good. Here is the example that she gave me. Let's say I'm shopping in the produce department and I see some really beautiful peaches and they catch my eye and I say to myself, "Man those are beautiful peaches, I would love one." then I need to buy it. Another example she gave me if I have pork chops on my list but I walk past the meat counter and some pretty steaks jump out at me then get the steaks and forget the pork chops. So I'm to eat what looks good. The problem so far is that I haven't shopped yet. We have talked about me shopping at smaller stores that are not overwhelming to me since my weight has crept back up over 420 lbs. That's right. Really sick. We will not discuss where my mind has been at. It is not in the best of places. I'm so disgusted with myself. Kathy has been working with me to pick different places to eat besides our usual and to pick things that are lower in sodium and menu items that are closer as to what I could get at home if possible. My problem which just came to me this weekend is I'm so embarrassed to get out that now I'm not leaving the house except to go and see my treatment team or my Doctors. I feel like all I do is waddle like a damn duck every where I go. I know that my weight is dangerously high and something has got to start happening but they tell me to "Trust the process" and I'm telling you that is wearing on my last nerve!
Just this last week my sleeping schedule got all off because of Shannon and Meredith's breakup and one day Mark called me about 4 times and could not wake me. He came home from the office scared to death that I had passed away only to find me sleeping and I didn't hear my phone. This is bad. Pray for me!!!!!!
I asked Dr. Michel one week if there was any hope for me. She told me that there is always hope. She reminded me of the Hope sign that she has in her waiting room. She told me without hope there is no recovery. I asked her with my eating disorder going on for nearly 50 years would I ever fully recover and she told me that I would. She said she would not be doing what she is doing if people like me didn't recover. I have no patience. Kathy and I talked about that last week as well. Kathy admitted she loses hers easily and I know that is right so I hope she can be patient while she is working with a tough stubborn person like me! Dr. Michel is having me reading my books again and for the last several weeks has been trying to hook up with Anna so that they can work together. I told Dr. Michel that I wanted her to run the show and I thought a good idea was to have Anna reinforce what she (Dr. Michel) did on Monday when I see Anna on Thursday. Well I found out this last week that Anna isn't crazy about that idea. Anna just wants to see what I need each week after working with them and she will help me further. Kathy doesn't like the idea but I don't care what she thinks. This about Dr. Michel and I see her in the morning and we'll see what happens. We have even talked about me taking a break from Anna for about 12 weeks. I don't want to do that. The other thing that Dr. Michel has suggested is that Mark and I go to marital counseling and we should start that soon. This isn't because we have problems but because he needs to understand eating disorders and what will help me and what will not help me. And I guess for me not to bite his head off when he won't do what I want. This should be interesting but I can see where it is needed.
Next week on Wednesday evenings I start my Mindful Eating Support Group and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping like crazy that it will help me with mindfulness. Another therapist Stacy and Kathy will be leading this 6 week support group.
I've missed a week with Anna because she was on vacation and then one week I looked at the clock wrong and missed a session with her. It was funny but it really wasn't because I love getting to see Anna and getting to unload my feelings. She thinks that they are doing too much but I'm not sure she is grasping that I asked for this and this is what I would be getting if I checked in to a in-house clinic somewhere. Hopefully her and Dr. Michel will connect real soon and we will see if Anna is going to work during this extensive time or not. This will not go on forever. Just to get me moving towards recovery a little quicker and more steadily.
So have I boggled your minds? Can you understand why getting behind has overwhelmed me? I'm sure there are tons that I'm forgetting but this is the jest of what is going on. On Monday's I see Dr. Michel for a hour, soon on Wednesday evenings I will have a group session on Mindful Eating, Thursday morning I have Anna at 10:00 and then I have Kathy at 11:30. The marital counseling will start soon on Saturday's. Mark goes to a group once a month for family support. That is it in a nutshell. Of course I'm reading books, and journaling and trying to balance friends that don't understand. I'm feeling very lonely these days. I feel all by myself and lost in a big, big world. I know that I will emerge out of this once again in a better place. I just have to trust the process..
I'm sad to say that I'm feeling bad about reconciling my friendship with Mike. He is so bad for me. He will not stay out of what I'm doing. He tells me that my team doesn't know what they are doing that I need to find people who will help me and blah, blah, blah. Just this week he told me that when he was coaching me in Weight Watchers that I lied to him because someone in our group told him that I had told them that I had a hard week with my eating but told him that I was good all week. I can tell you I lost it. I could have torn that man in two! I never lied to him, I made my journal available to him at all times but he didn't want to see it and why? He said that I lied on it!!!! Anyway I told him whoever told him this was a damn liar. He then told me that he would believe me because I was his friend. That was my final draw for him this week. This conversation was all because I told him that Kathy knew by my recovery record rather or not I was losing weight and that was why they didn't want me to weigh. That is what they told me. I trust my team. He told me that he and his buddy talked about that and it wasn't true because people with food problems lie. Well I don't. Why would I want to? I want to get well! I want to recover! I want to be healthy!!!!! Why do I want to pay over $1,000.00 a month and lie?????!!!!! Insurance is not paying a dime for any of this except Anna! He is such a pig-ass!!!! I love Sandy who supports me 100%. I may try talking to her about Mike and see if she can help me. Mike and I can be friends if he stays out of this part of my life. This week my goal is not to allow him to ask me anything about what is going on, how my sessions are going, nothing. nada. Wish me luck! If he doesn't then he will have to permanently not be a part of my life!!!!!
Tomorrow I will share with you about some things that I found on the Internet that are helping me a lot. Some blogs and some talks that can be listened to on-line. The Eating Disorder field is a large one and full of very experienced people. If only the dieting industry and the Eating Disorder Industry to could get together and see eye to eye and work together, this word would be a better place and there would be a lot of happy people who would be free from what is weighing them down and we know what that is.....WEIGHT!
Tomorrow I will also share with you how my session with Dr. Michel goes and hopefully I will keep you all more up to date about my treatment process. Thanks for hanging in there with me! This is going to get better. At least that is what they are telling me!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Need some more time!
I found out yesterday that my nieces partner left her. She told her that she is not gay. I have been up all night and there is so much going on. I have Dr. Michel this morning and Remicade this afternoon. I need some prayers. And sleep. I will be back quickly. I promise. I just didn't want this to go another day but I just can't write now. Pray for Meredith, Shannon and Patrick. Me too as I'm the on that Meredith runs to. I need wisdom!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
I'm tired and I'm lost!
I know that I said that I would be out here today and write and I didn't. Stacey and I stayed up till after 1:00 a.m. talking and drinking wine. I stayed up another hour or so on my computer. I got up at 6:30 and visited with her and got them fed and off and I crashed and burned almost all day. I'm so exhausted and here it is nearly 1:00 a.m. again and I am going to bed.
I just read the last full post and boy am I every behind. I think tomorrow when I get home from seeing Anna and Kathy I am going to have to just give you the quick run through on things that have happened and things that I need to share. There is just so much and doing it the way I love by not wanting you to miss a minute of the journey I just can't remember it all at this point after having my daughter and grandson here! My mind is on their visit and remembering it all! LOL!
Don't get me wrong the short version is good too! Lots going on and things are really taking off. Two psychologists, one dietician and we are fixing to add a 3rd psychologist and a group session to the mix. That is just part of it. Believe me when I say things are starting to take off. My head is already spinning!
Till this afternoon...check back!
I just read the last full post and boy am I every behind. I think tomorrow when I get home from seeing Anna and Kathy I am going to have to just give you the quick run through on things that have happened and things that I need to share. There is just so much and doing it the way I love by not wanting you to miss a minute of the journey I just can't remember it all at this point after having my daughter and grandson here! My mind is on their visit and remembering it all! LOL!
Don't get me wrong the short version is good too! Lots going on and things are really taking off. Two psychologists, one dietician and we are fixing to add a 3rd psychologist and a group session to the mix. That is just part of it. Believe me when I say things are starting to take off. My head is already spinning!
Till this afternoon...check back!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Things are crazy busy!
With Karen being here and then Stacey and Eyan I can't keep up. I promise that I will be back just as quickly as I can on Wednesday after Eyan and Stacey leave and I will keep bringing you all up today as to the goings on right now. I thought I would have had time this weekend to write but it just didn't work out. Keep me in your prayers. Dealng with a Eating Disorder and being off schedule is hard!
More on Wednesday!
More on Wednesday!
Thursday, July 11, 2013
It Went Well...
Thank you Lord! I can't tell you how much I was dreading have to go and see her! I was almost a wreck!
I got up and played my game on Facebook till I was nearly late grabbing my shower and washing my crazy curly hair! Did I tell you my hairdresser talked me into wearing my curls? Actually it is real wavy but after having straight as a board hair to me it is curly! Menopause! Have you haven't gone through it just wait! It changes way too much! Luckily wearing it this way saved me from being late!
When I got there I sat down in the waiting room and wrote my check and was sitting there almost in a panic mode. When she opened the door Dr. Michel was with her and she told me hi and I told her hello and good morning and Kathy and I went into her office. Kathy complimented me on my hair and my new outfit. We talked about my shopping and then we got started. She started by mentioning again that she thinks seeing all 3 of them in one day is a big mistake and I agreed with her. It is too much, it puts the brain on overload. She told me that they would not let that happen again. She said seeing her and Anna on the same will still work but once Dr. Michel starts working on my behavior then I don't need to be seeing anyone because it will be very emotional. Oh good! This could become very interesting.
Kathy then asked me about my appointment with Anna and I told her that we talked about my last visit with her and Dr. Michel and then we worked on questions that she had given me for homework. I didn't take a breath and started telling her about the questions that Anna had given me and one of them was 'What I didn't like about healthy food?" Kathy said that sounded interesting and I told her I would be happy to bring her a copy of the questions and my answers. She said "OK". She then started with talking about my labeling "good food" and "bad food" and "healthy food" I told her like I told Anna "good food/healthy food" turns this into a diet. Kathy then expressed her concern about this as well as she could see that good food/bad food and good food/healthy food caused issues with me. She told me that she wanted me to stop looking at food in this manner and start looking at "What looks good?" "What do I want?". She told me in the near future she plans on us doing some grocery shopping. For now she wants me to go to the store and walk through it asking myself what looks good. She said that of course I could have a list of things that I need but to take some extra time by walking through the produce department and looking at all the fruits and vegetable asking myself if something look good or sounded good. WOW! That sure is a different approach! I've been thinking about what to have Mark get by going "No, I don't want that, it's healthy" or "I don't want that because it is good for me" I'm in such rebellion against dieting right now. No wonder I'm not losing weight but hovering around the same 6 lbs.
We talked about why I don't want to shop and I told Kathy that I just get way over-whelmed with the huge store down the road from us. It is a huge store. I told her that I have tried to go and pick up a few things and when I get up there and park and start to get out of my car I just have a panic attack because I'm so afraid that I will get into the store and not have the strength or energy to get back to my car much less to load it and unload it. She then recommended that I avoid that store for now and to try and find a smaller store that I can handle. There is a couple of other stores in the area and even though I think their prices are a little higher I just might have to do that for now. She highly recommended me to check out Trader Joe's but they are a good distance from me but it is a place that I could shop when I go up to the Woodlands. Mark and I also found a new Aldi's not too far from here that is a small store. She said at least at a smaller store I could go and look at the fresh fruit and veggies and meats and let Mark pick up the staple goods that we need. So I'm going to start that really soon. It's just that my friend Karen is in town from Norway and then our daughter and grandson is coming in on Friday and staying till next Wednesday. So as soon as things calm back down I am going to go and see what it is like to do that type of shopping and get some choices in here.
She was real impressed that I kept my Recovery Record and even commented on my thoughts that I recorded. I'm telling you I was so upset I was just going to "show her" but the reality of it all was that it showed me. By doing that for about 10 days I saw how good it felt to be honest with my thoughts and feelings and she liked that. She commented on the day before I saw her as Mark and I went shopping for me some more new clothes. I had eaten lunch and he didn't. I missed my snack because of the time we went shopping but Mark was starving by the time we were through. On the way back home I asked him if he wanted to go to Luby's or Cheddar's. I knew after standing up the time that I did and trying on clothes I was tired and I needed to get off my feet for a bit. He picked Cheddar's and I was o.k. with that.
Here is what went wrong. He wanted a appetizer and I told him that I didn't. He then changed his mind and I felt guilty. I ended up telling him that I would eat a couple of nachos but I didn't want half a order. He ordered them and I ended up eating my half. He ordered fish tacos which is why he wanted the nachos. I ordered a 8 oz. sirloin with mashed potatoes and green beans. I ate all my green beans about 3/4 of my steak and a few bites of the potatoes because they were real salty. I recorded it just as it happened. Kathy did notice what happened and we talked about it. She pointed out that Luby's would have been a better choice because we could have gone straight in and gotten our food and not have to wait for a order to be taken and food to come. She pointed out that the appetizer would not have happened. She also pointed out that since I was tired and hurting that by going to Luby's I would have been home with my feet up most likely before we got our food at Cheddar's. She was happy about my food selections and how I handled it with the potatoes being salty and such but we talked about the fact that I ate half of the nachos when I really didn't want them at all. She pointed out that if Mark really wanted them he could have asked them for a half portion. She had a lot of good things to point out. It all made sense to me.
We scheduled my next appointment which is tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see what she thinks about the last 10 days which includes a binge but Dr. Michel knows about it and I will share on the next post what happened during my visit with her.
I went home and that evening after we got through with dinner I told Mark that I wanted to talk. We sat up and talked about my session with Kathy and all that we talked about the stores and how I needed to change my focus to "What I wanted" and "What looks good". Mark liked that idea and thought that would be helpful for me. He agreed that me trying to shop in a smaller store sounded like a good idea and we could work that out. We also talked about the dinner at Cheddar's and the fact we should have gone to Luby's and everything that Kathy talked to me about and he agreed. I took it further by telling him that we absolutely had to stop eating in the media room and get back to eating at the table. I talked to him about helping me more when he knows I am about to make a bad decision. I talked to him about not being afraid to say something and what approach would work best for me and I promised him that I would work on not biting him for getting into my space. Kathy did say that we were going to work on this. I just want to get ahead of the game and try to start. She made the comment that since we were partners we were really in this together and I can see where she is right. He has to get into the mode of my recovery and he doesn't mind doing that. I didn't figure that he would but I know deep in my heart that he is going to need professional help in doing this as I can't teach him exactly how to handle the situations.
I just know that I want to start moving forward and I want to change. I want to get better. I really know that this is what I'm suppose to be doing. Results may not be what I like but I know in the long run the time it takes probably will be the same because of my decision to get off the diet yo-yo track.
I know that I have lagged in getting this posted. Here is my not so good news. I have another post before I even get to my visit with Dr. Michel on Monday and then I'm meeting with Anna and Kathy tomorrow and I know that Anna and Dr. Michel have already talked about "the plan" so I don't know what is going to happen. My friend Karen is here from Norway so my day tomorrow will be crazy busy and then tomorrow night we are meeting Meredith and Shannon for dinner. Friday night late Stacey and Eyan are arriving from Kansas. I will try and write on Friday. Saturday Mark and Stacey and Eyan are going to Galveston to have some fun but I'm staying here because I know it is impossible for me to go in my present shape. So Saturday and Sunday the house will be quiet and I will get ya'll caught up once again. I can see that I can't procrastinate on keeping you all updated. Things are really going to start shaking and happening around here. I know I'm in for the ride of my life, but boy I'm ready!
I got up and played my game on Facebook till I was nearly late grabbing my shower and washing my crazy curly hair! Did I tell you my hairdresser talked me into wearing my curls? Actually it is real wavy but after having straight as a board hair to me it is curly! Menopause! Have you haven't gone through it just wait! It changes way too much! Luckily wearing it this way saved me from being late!
When I got there I sat down in the waiting room and wrote my check and was sitting there almost in a panic mode. When she opened the door Dr. Michel was with her and she told me hi and I told her hello and good morning and Kathy and I went into her office. Kathy complimented me on my hair and my new outfit. We talked about my shopping and then we got started. She started by mentioning again that she thinks seeing all 3 of them in one day is a big mistake and I agreed with her. It is too much, it puts the brain on overload. She told me that they would not let that happen again. She said seeing her and Anna on the same will still work but once Dr. Michel starts working on my behavior then I don't need to be seeing anyone because it will be very emotional. Oh good! This could become very interesting.
Kathy then asked me about my appointment with Anna and I told her that we talked about my last visit with her and Dr. Michel and then we worked on questions that she had given me for homework. I didn't take a breath and started telling her about the questions that Anna had given me and one of them was 'What I didn't like about healthy food?" Kathy said that sounded interesting and I told her I would be happy to bring her a copy of the questions and my answers. She said "OK". She then started with talking about my labeling "good food" and "bad food" and "healthy food" I told her like I told Anna "good food/healthy food" turns this into a diet. Kathy then expressed her concern about this as well as she could see that good food/bad food and good food/healthy food caused issues with me. She told me that she wanted me to stop looking at food in this manner and start looking at "What looks good?" "What do I want?". She told me in the near future she plans on us doing some grocery shopping. For now she wants me to go to the store and walk through it asking myself what looks good. She said that of course I could have a list of things that I need but to take some extra time by walking through the produce department and looking at all the fruits and vegetable asking myself if something look good or sounded good. WOW! That sure is a different approach! I've been thinking about what to have Mark get by going "No, I don't want that, it's healthy" or "I don't want that because it is good for me" I'm in such rebellion against dieting right now. No wonder I'm not losing weight but hovering around the same 6 lbs.
We talked about why I don't want to shop and I told Kathy that I just get way over-whelmed with the huge store down the road from us. It is a huge store. I told her that I have tried to go and pick up a few things and when I get up there and park and start to get out of my car I just have a panic attack because I'm so afraid that I will get into the store and not have the strength or energy to get back to my car much less to load it and unload it. She then recommended that I avoid that store for now and to try and find a smaller store that I can handle. There is a couple of other stores in the area and even though I think their prices are a little higher I just might have to do that for now. She highly recommended me to check out Trader Joe's but they are a good distance from me but it is a place that I could shop when I go up to the Woodlands. Mark and I also found a new Aldi's not too far from here that is a small store. She said at least at a smaller store I could go and look at the fresh fruit and veggies and meats and let Mark pick up the staple goods that we need. So I'm going to start that really soon. It's just that my friend Karen is in town from Norway and then our daughter and grandson is coming in on Friday and staying till next Wednesday. So as soon as things calm back down I am going to go and see what it is like to do that type of shopping and get some choices in here.
She was real impressed that I kept my Recovery Record and even commented on my thoughts that I recorded. I'm telling you I was so upset I was just going to "show her" but the reality of it all was that it showed me. By doing that for about 10 days I saw how good it felt to be honest with my thoughts and feelings and she liked that. She commented on the day before I saw her as Mark and I went shopping for me some more new clothes. I had eaten lunch and he didn't. I missed my snack because of the time we went shopping but Mark was starving by the time we were through. On the way back home I asked him if he wanted to go to Luby's or Cheddar's. I knew after standing up the time that I did and trying on clothes I was tired and I needed to get off my feet for a bit. He picked Cheddar's and I was o.k. with that.
Here is what went wrong. He wanted a appetizer and I told him that I didn't. He then changed his mind and I felt guilty. I ended up telling him that I would eat a couple of nachos but I didn't want half a order. He ordered them and I ended up eating my half. He ordered fish tacos which is why he wanted the nachos. I ordered a 8 oz. sirloin with mashed potatoes and green beans. I ate all my green beans about 3/4 of my steak and a few bites of the potatoes because they were real salty. I recorded it just as it happened. Kathy did notice what happened and we talked about it. She pointed out that Luby's would have been a better choice because we could have gone straight in and gotten our food and not have to wait for a order to be taken and food to come. She pointed out that the appetizer would not have happened. She also pointed out that since I was tired and hurting that by going to Luby's I would have been home with my feet up most likely before we got our food at Cheddar's. She was happy about my food selections and how I handled it with the potatoes being salty and such but we talked about the fact that I ate half of the nachos when I really didn't want them at all. She pointed out that if Mark really wanted them he could have asked them for a half portion. She had a lot of good things to point out. It all made sense to me.
We scheduled my next appointment which is tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see what she thinks about the last 10 days which includes a binge but Dr. Michel knows about it and I will share on the next post what happened during my visit with her.
I went home and that evening after we got through with dinner I told Mark that I wanted to talk. We sat up and talked about my session with Kathy and all that we talked about the stores and how I needed to change my focus to "What I wanted" and "What looks good". Mark liked that idea and thought that would be helpful for me. He agreed that me trying to shop in a smaller store sounded like a good idea and we could work that out. We also talked about the dinner at Cheddar's and the fact we should have gone to Luby's and everything that Kathy talked to me about and he agreed. I took it further by telling him that we absolutely had to stop eating in the media room and get back to eating at the table. I talked to him about helping me more when he knows I am about to make a bad decision. I talked to him about not being afraid to say something and what approach would work best for me and I promised him that I would work on not biting him for getting into my space. Kathy did say that we were going to work on this. I just want to get ahead of the game and try to start. She made the comment that since we were partners we were really in this together and I can see where she is right. He has to get into the mode of my recovery and he doesn't mind doing that. I didn't figure that he would but I know deep in my heart that he is going to need professional help in doing this as I can't teach him exactly how to handle the situations.
I just know that I want to start moving forward and I want to change. I want to get better. I really know that this is what I'm suppose to be doing. Results may not be what I like but I know in the long run the time it takes probably will be the same because of my decision to get off the diet yo-yo track.
I know that I have lagged in getting this posted. Here is my not so good news. I have another post before I even get to my visit with Dr. Michel on Monday and then I'm meeting with Anna and Kathy tomorrow and I know that Anna and Dr. Michel have already talked about "the plan" so I don't know what is going to happen. My friend Karen is here from Norway so my day tomorrow will be crazy busy and then tomorrow night we are meeting Meredith and Shannon for dinner. Friday night late Stacey and Eyan are arriving from Kansas. I will try and write on Friday. Saturday Mark and Stacey and Eyan are going to Galveston to have some fun but I'm staying here because I know it is impossible for me to go in my present shape. So Saturday and Sunday the house will be quiet and I will get ya'll caught up once again. I can see that I can't procrastinate on keeping you all updated. Things are really going to start shaking and happening around here. I know I'm in for the ride of my life, but boy I'm ready!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Another Long Catch-Up!
I'm sorry that we have gotten so far behind but hopefully today I will get you all caught up!
The next day, Friday, was not a good day for me. I did record all my food and I did have a good day up until I called the Vet to see about Ernie's blood work. She told me that everything looked good except his ALP (liver enzyme) was elevated. I asked her what that meant and she told me that there could be a tumor developing or cancer in his liver! Now I have 3 cats and I do love them but Ernie is my little buddy and we are very close and when she said the "C" word I thought I was going to throw up! I asked her what the next step was and she told me that she wanted to repeat the test next week. If it comes back still elevated or if it comes back higher then they will send me to Gulf Coast which is the Medical Center for small animals to see a Board Certified Internist Veterinarian. All I have been able to think about is "Not my Ernie, please not Ernie!" I have loved on that baby more than anything this last week. The other thing that was alarming was he has lost weight (not good) so she told me to let him have all the food he wants. He has loved that! Pray for my baby kitty boy!
On Saturday Mark was scheduled to attend a group for Family Members of a Eating Disorder. You know how office buildings can be on the weekends, one door open, could need a code, etc. I texted Kathy on Friday to see what door to enter the building from. She texted me back what suite to go to which was the suite that I go do every week. Duh! I texted her back and said that we would see if the side door would be open and thanked her for her help. I should have known by her response that something was wrong. I decided on Saturday morning to go with Mark and maybe they would let me sit in their lunch room while they had group which I thought would be in the reception area and if not then I could go across the street to McDonald's get a coke and read while he was in group. It ended up that we did get through the side door and once we got up to their office the person who was doing the group was placing signs out pointing people where to go and I asked her if I could sit in the reception area while they were in group. She went around to open the door for me and found the door was already unlocked. I went in and sat down and Mark went on to group. I just sat and read my Mindful Eating book. Well, all of a sudden the interior door opened and it was Kathy! She was looking for her next client. I asked her if I could talk to her for a minute and she said o.k. I was going to make it quick anyway because I still didn't feel like talking to her much less seeing her after last Thursday. I first apologized about how I responded and then proceeded to tell her how Dr. Michel helped me work through it and before I could say much more (I think I said to her that I learned a great deal from Dr. Michel) she interrupted me and said "I know, Dr. Michel talked to me and I think it would be best that we take a break" I was shocked but I told her "I don't want to" and Kathy said "Well, usually I don't start seeing patients until after they see Dr. Michel for 12 weeks" I thought to myself "What the hell? Why didn't you tell me that back in November when I first contacted you?" She went onto say that she doubt that I learned anything because I was not connected in the conversation, that I was blanked out. Well, I am freakin sorry but what else does a person do when they are shocked as hell when you start going off on them? I responded to Kathy "I heard every word you said" and she tells me that I probably heard most of it but she doubts that I heard it all and I responded "I heard it all Kathy" Well about that time her client walked in and Kathy tells me that she could not see me the following Thursday because her sitter had to be somewhere. She told me that she could see me on Monday July 1 at 11:00 (today). I told her that I would be there.
I'm telling I have fumed about our conversation and I know that Dr. Michel must have talked to her very sternly about how she treated me to have Kathy respond to me that way. I've had over a week to think about this stuff and I'm telling you I hope Dr. Michel doesn't ask me how it went with Kathy while she was gone because I feel obliged to tell. I'm sure Dr. Michel would talk to her again. The other thing is I have had time to build up fear of seeing Kathy and I'm not sure if things will ever be the same. I'm really scared to go today. I just have to remember that I have control as I can get up and walk out at anytime. I wished I would have done that when she went off on me.
Otherwise, I have been a good little girl, I have recorded every single meal and written long comments about my thoughts which were true. I wrote them just as if Dr. Michel would log on to see them. They were more for her eyes than for Kathy's. She had better not say anything smart to me about being good and keeping my records that is snotty as I will let her have it. The thing that really upsets me is that I need Kathy and her experience. The other dietitians don't have her experience and they work under her so I bet they are learning from her. If today goes bad I plan on telling Dr. Michel that Kathy has a problem with me and since I don't have a dietitian I guess our time is over with also because I've lost 1/3 of my team. It would be interesting what Dr. Michel would say if this were to happen. But this morning I keep telling myself that Kathy has had over a week to cool down and hopefully she will be back to herself and we can get back to business and nothing else will be said about that day. If she is any kind of professional I would think that she would be kind and back to business. I know for now on I will be all about business. I won't have much to say except respond to her questions. It will take me a bit to get over this, to be able to trust her again.
Anyway, Mark and I went on that Saturday and he bought me some Pandora charms for my bracelet and he also bought me their new bangle bracelet. He took me to lunch at our favorite Chinese place and then up to my favorite clothing store and bought me some clothes. I ended up being a good day. I can't remember if I told ya'll this or not but my birthday was June 12 and that is what the bracelet and clothes are for but I didn't tell you about my big gift. Mark traded my SUV in for a new one. I got a 2013 Outlander (Mitsubishi) with all the bells and whistles. It is Cosmic Blue with beige leather. It is so beautiful. It also has a V-6 engine and boy does it move. My 2012 only had a 4-cylinder. Boy, that man spoils me!
Last Thursday with Anna we only talked about what Kathy did to me. Anna doesn't totally agree with Dr. Michel but then I couldn't remember everything that Dr. Michel said to me so Anna was worried that they were not letting me feel my real feelings. I told her to talk to Dr. Michel about it when she gets back and I tried to assure her that our conversation wasn't that way. Hopefully she will talk to her when she gets back from vacation. I don't see Anna this week because of the fourth. After today I see Dr. Michel next Monday and the I guess we will all really get going. The cards are in Kathy's hands.
Yesterday we went clothes shopping again. While I hate to see what my real size is again I needed the clothes. It depressed me so much. Never did I ever expect to wear a 5X or 4X ever again. What ever happened? I just painfully remember getting into a size 22 and I could shop anywhere that had a Women's department. Now I'm back at the Fat People's store. I'm surely not saying that to be mean but it is just my inside feelings that I am sharing. I thought I had said "good-bye" to Catherine's but I'm back. It hurt to have to open that charge card again. But anyway I'm not going to have to wear ratty clothes. I did get some things that look o.k. Nothing looks great on a 400+ lb. body.
Tomorrow I will let you know what goes down today. And ya'll are all caught up now on all the big stuff. Thanks for hanging with me. All of you who take the time to follow me are treasured friends!!!
The next day, Friday, was not a good day for me. I did record all my food and I did have a good day up until I called the Vet to see about Ernie's blood work. She told me that everything looked good except his ALP (liver enzyme) was elevated. I asked her what that meant and she told me that there could be a tumor developing or cancer in his liver! Now I have 3 cats and I do love them but Ernie is my little buddy and we are very close and when she said the "C" word I thought I was going to throw up! I asked her what the next step was and she told me that she wanted to repeat the test next week. If it comes back still elevated or if it comes back higher then they will send me to Gulf Coast which is the Medical Center for small animals to see a Board Certified Internist Veterinarian. All I have been able to think about is "Not my Ernie, please not Ernie!" I have loved on that baby more than anything this last week. The other thing that was alarming was he has lost weight (not good) so she told me to let him have all the food he wants. He has loved that! Pray for my baby kitty boy!
On Saturday Mark was scheduled to attend a group for Family Members of a Eating Disorder. You know how office buildings can be on the weekends, one door open, could need a code, etc. I texted Kathy on Friday to see what door to enter the building from. She texted me back what suite to go to which was the suite that I go do every week. Duh! I texted her back and said that we would see if the side door would be open and thanked her for her help. I should have known by her response that something was wrong. I decided on Saturday morning to go with Mark and maybe they would let me sit in their lunch room while they had group which I thought would be in the reception area and if not then I could go across the street to McDonald's get a coke and read while he was in group. It ended up that we did get through the side door and once we got up to their office the person who was doing the group was placing signs out pointing people where to go and I asked her if I could sit in the reception area while they were in group. She went around to open the door for me and found the door was already unlocked. I went in and sat down and Mark went on to group. I just sat and read my Mindful Eating book. Well, all of a sudden the interior door opened and it was Kathy! She was looking for her next client. I asked her if I could talk to her for a minute and she said o.k. I was going to make it quick anyway because I still didn't feel like talking to her much less seeing her after last Thursday. I first apologized about how I responded and then proceeded to tell her how Dr. Michel helped me work through it and before I could say much more (I think I said to her that I learned a great deal from Dr. Michel) she interrupted me and said "I know, Dr. Michel talked to me and I think it would be best that we take a break" I was shocked but I told her "I don't want to" and Kathy said "Well, usually I don't start seeing patients until after they see Dr. Michel for 12 weeks" I thought to myself "What the hell? Why didn't you tell me that back in November when I first contacted you?" She went onto say that she doubt that I learned anything because I was not connected in the conversation, that I was blanked out. Well, I am freakin sorry but what else does a person do when they are shocked as hell when you start going off on them? I responded to Kathy "I heard every word you said" and she tells me that I probably heard most of it but she doubts that I heard it all and I responded "I heard it all Kathy" Well about that time her client walked in and Kathy tells me that she could not see me the following Thursday because her sitter had to be somewhere. She told me that she could see me on Monday July 1 at 11:00 (today). I told her that I would be there.
I'm telling I have fumed about our conversation and I know that Dr. Michel must have talked to her very sternly about how she treated me to have Kathy respond to me that way. I've had over a week to think about this stuff and I'm telling you I hope Dr. Michel doesn't ask me how it went with Kathy while she was gone because I feel obliged to tell. I'm sure Dr. Michel would talk to her again. The other thing is I have had time to build up fear of seeing Kathy and I'm not sure if things will ever be the same. I'm really scared to go today. I just have to remember that I have control as I can get up and walk out at anytime. I wished I would have done that when she went off on me.
Otherwise, I have been a good little girl, I have recorded every single meal and written long comments about my thoughts which were true. I wrote them just as if Dr. Michel would log on to see them. They were more for her eyes than for Kathy's. She had better not say anything smart to me about being good and keeping my records that is snotty as I will let her have it. The thing that really upsets me is that I need Kathy and her experience. The other dietitians don't have her experience and they work under her so I bet they are learning from her. If today goes bad I plan on telling Dr. Michel that Kathy has a problem with me and since I don't have a dietitian I guess our time is over with also because I've lost 1/3 of my team. It would be interesting what Dr. Michel would say if this were to happen. But this morning I keep telling myself that Kathy has had over a week to cool down and hopefully she will be back to herself and we can get back to business and nothing else will be said about that day. If she is any kind of professional I would think that she would be kind and back to business. I know for now on I will be all about business. I won't have much to say except respond to her questions. It will take me a bit to get over this, to be able to trust her again.
Anyway, Mark and I went on that Saturday and he bought me some Pandora charms for my bracelet and he also bought me their new bangle bracelet. He took me to lunch at our favorite Chinese place and then up to my favorite clothing store and bought me some clothes. I ended up being a good day. I can't remember if I told ya'll this or not but my birthday was June 12 and that is what the bracelet and clothes are for but I didn't tell you about my big gift. Mark traded my SUV in for a new one. I got a 2013 Outlander (Mitsubishi) with all the bells and whistles. It is Cosmic Blue with beige leather. It is so beautiful. It also has a V-6 engine and boy does it move. My 2012 only had a 4-cylinder. Boy, that man spoils me!
Last Thursday with Anna we only talked about what Kathy did to me. Anna doesn't totally agree with Dr. Michel but then I couldn't remember everything that Dr. Michel said to me so Anna was worried that they were not letting me feel my real feelings. I told her to talk to Dr. Michel about it when she gets back and I tried to assure her that our conversation wasn't that way. Hopefully she will talk to her when she gets back from vacation. I don't see Anna this week because of the fourth. After today I see Dr. Michel next Monday and the I guess we will all really get going. The cards are in Kathy's hands.
Yesterday we went clothes shopping again. While I hate to see what my real size is again I needed the clothes. It depressed me so much. Never did I ever expect to wear a 5X or 4X ever again. What ever happened? I just painfully remember getting into a size 22 and I could shop anywhere that had a Women's department. Now I'm back at the Fat People's store. I'm surely not saying that to be mean but it is just my inside feelings that I am sharing. I thought I had said "good-bye" to Catherine's but I'm back. It hurt to have to open that charge card again. But anyway I'm not going to have to wear ratty clothes. I did get some things that look o.k. Nothing looks great on a 400+ lb. body.
Tomorrow I will let you know what goes down today. And ya'll are all caught up now on all the big stuff. Thanks for hanging with me. All of you who take the time to follow me are treasured friends!!!
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