I'm still on my same trend of not sleeping well and getting up around 3:00 and going to the media and going back to sleep. My cat Bert is driving me crazy. He has started sleeping on my pillow. It's o.k. until I need to flip it and you just can't flip a 15 pound cat easily. Then there is Ernie who has positioned himself in the small space between Mark ad I and then Oliver who is behind my knees. Fun! I love my boys but I'm praying that they find a different place to crash at night.
I cut myself a little short on time to get ready to see Dr. Michel so I had to wear my hair curly. Not sure if I mentioned it but my ex-hairdresser talked me into a different cut and to wear my hair curly. Well, I tried to like it but I just don't. When I blew it out straight i really saw what a mess she made of my hair, so I had to get it fixed and it is shorter than I like and I will not go back to her. It is nice though when I don't have time to blow it dry and flat iron it I can scrunch it and go!
On my way up there I was talking to my dear friend Bobbie and my stomach got crampy! Of course I decided this morning that I would need my bag which contains the items I need to help with my hygiene since my weight has gone up so much. Well, I got caught and I could have died and cried all at the same time. I did not want to miss my appointment. I have to pay unless I give 24 hours notice. I did the best that I could and disgusted and embarrassed as I was I walked down the hall to the office and I prayed like a crazy women that I didn't smell. I'm telling you this only because when you get into this kind of shape this a reality of your life. It is the worse thing ever and just think about the grossly obese people you see nearly everyday and know that they have that same issue. It is so freakin sad. Do I accept responsibility to getting in the shape. You bet I do. But I will tell you words can't describe how I feel about it. Rest assured I will not talk about this again. Right now I hate my life! I'm so miserable!
My sessions with Dr. Michel have been helpful but kinda light right now. I think it's because she has been trying to catch Anna and talk to her. Today she asked me how our session went last Thursday and I told her that Anna just doesn't want to work in the capacity that I had hoped for. She wants to keep my sessions separate and just work on whatever I think I need additional help with. I then told Dr. Michel that Anna did some hypnosis on helping me get in contact with my inner body and when she got to my gut my thoughts were dieting. I told her that Anna told me that dieting didn't mean that I needed to go on a diet but could possibly be my body telling me that it wants to eat more healthy. She could be right because these last months I have really enjoyed some of the forbidden food from all the dieting years. Of course this is within mindfulness most of the time. Dr. Michel expressed her concern with what Anna wanted to do in that she realizes that therapists have their own style and approach and her concern that they could be different and could possibly cause some confusion. I can see and understand that one So I decided that for now I am going to slow down my seeing Anna to every other week so that she can be aware of what is going on but not really do any work with her. At the price of this extensive work I know it can't last forever and I'm pretty sure that this will change and Anna will be primary and will be following up with Dr. Michel at some point in time We will just have to see.
She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was disgusted with myself. I told her that I didn't know why I could do something great for about 3 weeks and then life happens and I go to pieces and what I'm doing just follows the trend. I told her that Kathy and I had a great session and that Kathy did not want me to be eating at our "habit" places and to find new places. We also set some new goals and I was really pumped to get it all going when I left her office. I told by that night Mark got home and he was tired and he didn't want to help me cook so he asked me "Could you just put off starting this till tomorrow" and I said o.k. Well, Dr. Michel just about came unglued and told me we have got to get the two of you started in the marriage counseling. She says Mark has got t understand that he can't do this. She said that was really bad. I knew it but I also told her that I let him and went along with him. I guess this is why they want us to see a Eating Disorder Marriage Counselor which we start this coming Saturday. Back to the issue, I told Dr. Michel that I have even walked away from her sessions pumped and can't follow through. I told her that it was driving me crazy! I tried really hard to express that this has been a big hug downfall for me even during my dieting years. I told her somehow this has got to stop. I need help. She again told me that I was the one making the decisions and I need to realize that this is my opportunity to turn things around and when these negative behaviors start I need to stop and think about my actions and see that I have the opportunity not to make the bad choice. Boy is this habit going to be a hard one to break. I'm seeing just how hard this work is going to be. Thank God I don't have to deal with points, weighing and measuring and that kind of thing. I'm really starting to see that the work and energy is stopping and rewiring my brain! I know that I can do this. I will! I have to! I'm starting to also see where I need to really journal about these issues and break them down and work it out.
Dr. Michel asked me when I had my last binge. I told her when Mark and Stacey were in Galveston and I ordered the small pizza and sat in the media room and ate all of it. Then I told her that really I didn't truly understand if other things that I might be doing would constitute a binge. I told her that last week I wanted BBQ and I wanted a chicken and rib plate with double potato salad and so Mark brought that home for me. I told her that it had a leg, a thigh, 2 ribs and the potato salad and I ate all of it except for the 2nd potato salad. Her eyes got really big. She asked me how did you feel after eating that? Were you disgusted with yourself? I told her hell yea I was. She asked me how did my stomach feel and I told her I wasn't hurting but I felt really full and she told me that it was a binge. OMG! You know that is something this restaurant offers so that tells me the people going in there and eating that plate/combination are binging! Boy did that give me a clear picture of how bad eating out. It is a binge for me every time! I've got so much to learn and work on! She also told me that there was some new criteria out that classified rather or not you had Binge Eating Disorder. She said that if you binged at least 2 to 3 ties a week for a period of 3 months you had the disorder. Well, I"m there! She told me that when I get to the point that I haven't binged for 3 months I'm on the road to recovery. Well my first thought. Dang this will be a piece of cake and then I remembered that I can only behave well for about 3 weeks and then she busted my bubble on my BBQ habit and I see that maybe those 3 weeks were really not so great. She told me that she wanted me to take BBQ off my list for now. Dang! But I will do it. I do want to get well.
She then talked to me about a plaque that she has hanging in her office. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step" (or something like that). She told me that I needed to surround myself with positive things like that. She went ad pulled the plaque off the wall and showed it to me. I have already been looking for things that would remind me to have Hope. She has already told me that without hope recovery is not possible. She did also ask me my thoughts of the Serenity Prayer. I used to love that but my time in OA turned me off to it. I will have to work on getting out to see what positive little plaques or things that I can sit around my house to remind me of this journey and to have hope to keep my strength to fight up.
That was pretty much our session today. And you know what? I blew it already! My neighbor Rae's birthday was yesterday and I wanted to take over the gift I got her but I found out that she was alone and very disappointed that her kids had not planned anything for her birthday. So I acted like we were going out for dinner and our plan was if she wasn't doing anything we also wanted to treat her to dinner for her special day. OK. I thought, I can deal with it. Well we asked her what she would like to eat and she wanted Mexican food. OMG. I was overly hungry because it had been too long since my snack so I over did it on chips, salsa and queso. When they brought me my cheese enchiladas and sat it down in front of me I became way overwhelmed. Mark and Rae both asked me what was wrong and I told them nothing but kept staring at this plate of food that I all of a sudden didn't want. Mark said "You are going to eat that aren't you?" and knowing how he is about wasting money I told him that I was and even though I didn't want to I managed to eat the enchiladas but left everything else. They didn't even taste good. Humm....I wonder if that was because I wasn't hungry. Again I messed up...
Oh boy...I have so much to learn...I feel big wheels are beginning to turn this week. Hold on for the trip to my extensive therapy and journey to recovery....
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