I'm Such A Liar! Today It All Changes I Swear!!!

I had to actually and read my own blog to figure out what I have written about and what I haven't.  That is terrible!

Lot's of different things have been happening.  I'm just going to list them and not elaborate on them and then we will get down to the real stuff.  I'm not going to try and give dates but when I end this day you all will be caught up and we can move on and get back to business of losing weight.

My niece and her Partner started having problems since Patrick was born.  I knew some of it once they brought him home from the hospital.  I felt like it was normal but then about a month ago Meredith (my niece) call and needed to talk.  She told me that she was scared that Shannon was going to end things with her.  I was shocked.  I talked with Meredith about them going to counseling and I called Anna to see if she had a referral for someone who works with gay couples.  She told me that she did and the rest is history.  They are seeing Anna but more recently Meredith is ready to ignore the real problem because things have gotten better between them and I told Meredith that she was making a big mistake.  The problem is Shannon and her relationship with her parents.  It is not normal for someone in their near mid 30's!  Enough said.  It just killed me and I cried bucket of tears and worried and ate over what might happen.

I was also grieving cutting my friendship off with Mike.  I miss the fun side of him but I don't miss the controlling side of him.  I'm sure with time it will hurt less and less and my thoughts will get less and less. 

I also found out around this time that my brother is moving back to Houston.  Normal people would be happy and you all know that I'm not normal so...  Anyway I want to be happy about him moving back because this is my chance to work on our relationship if he will allow it.  He has been a little different towards me this last year so I'm really hoping.  The reality of it all is, here is where my parents make the change and when they come up they will be going to his house and we will be expected (notice I said expected) not invited to come over.  I hope there is a change there with my brother.  I know that my parents will never be back out to my house again.  That is just the way it is when Rob and I live in the same time.  I tried telling my parents that I was glad that he was moving back because I'm hoping that we can see more of each other.  Well guess what?  I got the standard lecture that he is busy, he doesn't really have time, he has his golfing, his kids, etc. etc.  Well I put my foot down and laid the law down.  I refuse to think that my brother and I can't get together at least a couple times a year away from family.  Rest assured that I will do everything I can to make it happen.

We are still having problems with Mark's middle sister and we have been going to Ft. Worth once a month to work on his mother's house.  I could right a book about this but will refrain from it on this blog.  My only question is "Why are we looking for flooring, carpet, counters, paint and fixtures when we need to finish going through things and get things ready for the Estate Sale.  OMG!

So, all summer long I started eating fast food for lunch and dinner when we didn't go out  More recently I added breakfast, so this past Wednesday I was at a all time high of 414.8 lbs.  You heard me!  Enough said, however let me say this I never binged I just ate like normal people do driving thru.

So on to the last two weeks.  I had my Remicade and the next day went up to Anna's to keep Patrick while they had their session with Anna and the next day met with Mark L. about my antidepressants.  He asked me how things were going and I just growled.  I told him all that was going on and told him that I felt like that I just had too much on my plate right now but that I didn't feel depressed.  The more I talked to him about all the things going on I started to cry.  When I got through he told me that I was depressed and was I taking all my meds.  I told him that I had been and truly I have been.  He ended up doubling my Wellbutrin and I have to go back next month.  At the end of our meeting he asked if I was working out and I told him the latest about JD which he is still having heart problems but more recently they had found a dark spot on his heart.  I told him that again we had gotten inconsistent about our workouts.  He told me to change trainers.  He told me to get it done by Friday and then asked if I understood.  I told him yes.

On Thursday I went and saw Anna and we talked about how I was feeling about Mike, my meeting with Mark and the changes he made.  She had also given me an assignment to list everything positive about being over-weight a few weeks ago and we took a look at another thing on the list.  I will tell you that has been the hardest thing that she has ever had me do.  It really has opened another "Pandora's box" if you ask me.  I didn't know that I had such feelings inside.  I'm not sure yet if I will share or not but I would encourage you to get in a quiet place and do it for yourself.  I'll give you my first thing...it protects me from hurtful people because if you are willing to get to know me now while I'm fat you'll be there for me when I'm thin.  I had 11 or 12 things on the list!  Getting back to the session I had with Anna she agreed that I needed to change trainers.  Oh boy!

That afternoon I called the gym and I got a hold of Johnathon who is the supervisor over the trainers  I told him what had been going on with JD and my training.  I also told him that I felt that I was more responsible for cancelling with him than he with me.  I just told him that we seem to have 4 good sessions and then one of us takes a break.  I told Johnathon that I was not trying to get JD in trouble but my weight was now over 400 lbs, I was insulin resistant and my blood sugar was 110.  I told him that I had to get something going or I was going to lose my life.  He agreed.  He said that he would recommend me having a female trainer and that he had someone in mind for me.  He suggested that we meet and see if things would work out for us.  I told him that I wanted to meet with her with JD not in the gym and he said that he could arrange that.  He arranged a meeting between me and Larissa for this past Monday.

I went to the gym and met with Larissa and we really did hit it off together.  She is from Russia and her accent at times makes it hard for me to understand her with my hearing disability but she is ok with having to repeat herself for me.  I told her that JD bored me with my workouts because we did the same thing over and over.  I told her that I liked a challenge and I like things mixed up if that was possible.  She promised me that I would not get bored with my workouts.  I also told her that I work better with encouragement than barking at me.  I told her that JD had me doing dancing with the Wii Fit and boxing with weights and she told me that she wanted me to stop that.  She wants me in the gym every single day.  She also told me that she wanted to work with me 3 days a week in the beginning until we can get a quality of life back.  She told me on our off days that she wanted me in the gym doing my cardio.  She is starting me at 30 minutes and that we would slowly work up to a hour.  I was real happy with her approach and I felt comfortable that she was not going to try and kill me like JD had.

She also showed me weight loss results of some of her other clients.  She asked me if I had ever heard of My Fit Foods and I told her that JD had mentioned it to me back when they came and visited them at the gym.  I told her he had given me a pamphlet but I had thrown in away because he seemed uninterested in them and was not impressed.  She told me all about them and encouraged me to try them out for a while.  She told me that they were expensive but it would help me until she could get me back to the point that I could really start caring for myself and getting around better.  I have really gotten to the point that it is very hard for me to walk any distance and it was hard for me to stand for any length of time.  It has been awful and I guess I just didn't want to come out here and confess that.  I really got to the point that I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had a plan but I didn't have the strength to carry it out.

I worked out with her on Wednesday for the first time.  She was awesome and patient and very concerned about me and my comfort.  She told me that she was surprised that I was stronger than she thought I was.  The workout was totally different than JD ever did with me and I liked it because it all was something that I could do.  She let me have breaks to sit and she encouraged me to drink my water as we worked out and JD couldn't stand it when I took water breaks.  I left the gym a little sore all over but as the day went on I was really sore in my back and it just got worse.  I was suppose to go in at 2:00 on Thursday to do my cardio and she was going to be there for me to help me get started and have some things that I could do but I called her and she decided for me to take a break and rest so that I would be able to work out on Friday which I did and that workout was different as well.  Love it!  Great change!  Should have had her all along!

OK, this is getting long but I wanted to tell you that Mark and I did go and get a dinner from My Fit Foods and Oh My Stars was it ever good.  They do nothing but "clean food" which you all know I have gotten really interested in.  The meal was ever bit as good as any meal you would get in a high class restaurant.  Needless to say day by day I added more of their meals and now Mark is fully on board with me to do it all as well so that he can get his weight back down.  This is answered prayer.  It is expensive and it will probably cost both of us about $1500 a month but I bet if you add all the eat outs and fast food meals we have been eating we probably have spent way over that.  Right now we are committed totally and we will have to see what happens down the road as we go.  I will tell you more about My Fit Foods as we go along.  They have locations all over Texas, Oklahoma, Idaho, California and Arizona.  They are growing.  I feel so lucky because the first store started here in Houston back in 2007.  I have a funny story to share with ya'll tomorrow.  I will post!  I promise.  We have finally gotten the journey started again.  Thanks for hanging in there with me!!!!

Gearing Up!!!

I have been busy with Karen and also my neighbor and high school friend Rae the last couple of weeks.  I had such a good time with Karen and this surprise visit will be treasured.  At least this time we both didn't cry when we said our good-byes.  We hugged each other like we didn't want to ever let go.  We really got to catch up and share so much about the goings on in each others lives and we shopped and we ate out and tried our best to keep it as healthy as we could.  She gave me a lot of support while she was here and she gave me a good talkin' to!  I needed it.  I bought us matching Pandora charms for our bracelets that were a puffy heart with a purple stone since we both love the color purple.  Mine will have to wait till I lose enough weight to be able to add it.  This is a good incentive for me.

I have gone back to seeing JD and he is about to kill me!  No treadmill but he is using the Recumbant Bike and the first day I could only go 40 seconds.  Now I'm up to 3 minutes so I am making progress!  We sat down in a chair the first couple of times and I just did hand weights and a stretch rope.  That has really help me get a routine to do at home with weights and he had me buy a set of 5 lb weights and I purchased those when Karen was here.  Karen actually went to the gym with me the last day that we had together.  She met JD and she liked him.  She shopped at JC Penney's while I worked out.  We had a spat that morning because he wanted to cancel on me but I stood my ground and even asked him if he would like for me to get a different trainer and he decided that he felt a whole lot better.  He about killed me that day.  I actually had to sit for a bit because I was shaking so bad and I wanted to throw up!  He has never worked me out to that point.  We are getting along and as long as he doesn't try to cancel on me I will keep him but if he tries to cancel on me then I will change trainers.

Have not heard a peep out of Mike for a month now and I can't tell you how much better I'm starting to feel.  I won't lie and tell you that I don't miss him but there are times that I do but it is getting easier.  It is all for the best.  I'm seeing more clearly how toxic our friendship was!  I do however miss Sandy like crazy but I figure that we will never be able to be friends because of him.  There is no telling what he is out saying about me.  He truly has to win and be top dog all the time.  Remember he never does anything wrong and "Mikey is always right!"  Bullshit!

Tomorrow is Mark's birthday and this weekend we are kinda celebrating that.  I am using portion control but I'm not tracking.  I have been retaining a lot of fluid because I have been so busy I haven't been able to take it.  I have been so miserable!  Today I lost 7 lbs so far and I know that there is more fluid to come off. 

Monday is the day that I start Phase One!  As soon as I post this I am going to create a page and get My Life Plan posted for all of you to see.  All my Dr.'s and Anna and JD are all on board with it and I have had all my friends think that it is great!  I'm feeling good about it because it is my plan and not anyone telling me what to do and how to do it!  I know that this is going to work.

So...starting Monday you will be hearing from me on a daily basis once again.  I'm excited to start Phase One and I'm excited to see the results.  I'm ready!!!

One last thing!  I didn't realize that I had my comments set where it is a pain to post.  I have since changed the settings so post away.