WOW!

I had someone this morning post a TV station out of Colorado Springs that is covering the fire in Waldo Canyon and I have been engrossed all day long with my heart breaking.  We had fires last year in our area as well as the Austin Texas area and it was really bad but this has really broke my heart watchig it live all day long.  Pray for all the people and fires in Colorado!  Consider doing something for them...giving to the Red Cross or something!  I am!

I am feeling a lot better today.  I haven't had any more fever but chose to have a real laid back day.  I did get out for a few minutes today to go to the Post Office and to pick up a sandwich for lunch.  The rest of the time I've either been glued to the internet or I've been asleep!

Yesterday, I was still running fever and I didn't do much but sleep.  I'm so glad that I am feeling better so tomorrow I shoud be able to get back to working out on the Wii and I'm planning to go and see Anna and I've actually made an appointment at a new salon to get my hair cut off and colored and highlighted.  My last stylist has really screwed it up and I'm sick of it being long.  It is past my shoulders.  Maybe tonight I'll get Mark to take a picture of it long and take one tomorrow night with it whacked off short!

Last night I did re-watch Extreme Weightloss Makeover and Jacqui's story just touches me so deeply.  She really motivates me that my dream can come true and that I can do this.  I just wish that it wasn't such a emotional thing.  It is a shame that it is but emotions have so much to do with it.  Like I have said all along...fix the head and then you CAN fix the body.  I'm such a believer of that.

Another thing that I heard on ABC evening news last night was a report on 3 types of diets.  One was just counting calories and losing weight by total calories not by watching what kinds of foods you ate.  The second one was a high protein/low carb like Atkins and the 3rd was one pretty close to what I'm doing which is eating foods that have a low glycemic index (not processed) however it said nothing about no carbs after 2:00 which I do!  Guess which one the study picked?  The low glycemic diet.  It even said that it could increase the metabolism.  How cool is that?  I'm glad that I am doing what I'm doing!!!!

Short & Sweet...

I have something very weird going on.  I got up yesterday morning with my foot still hurting me a little.  I did my Wii after I got Mark off to work and then I cooled off and played on the computer for a while.  I got sleepy and went back to bed and I started having chills.  I slept till 12:00!  Got up took my temp and it was 99.8 and that was after I remembered I slugged some ice water so I took a couple of Tylenol and I grabbed a cover and I slept in my media chair till 5:30.  I didn't eat all day but did eat a hamburger for dinner.  Watched some TV and went back to bed with a blanket and no ceiling fan.  I usually only sleep with a sheet and the ceiling fan on high!

This morning I woke up and I still have fever and I have no symptoms.  I don't know what is going on with me.  I feel like going back to bed so I think that I will.  Nothing else is going on at this point.  Can't decide if I'm sick enough to go to the Dr.  Wish I knew what was going on!!!!!

Later!!!!

So Glad That It Is Over!!!!!!

Well, today when I woke up I could hardly standup on my feet.  It is slowly getting better but the pain is awful still.  Just sitting here with my feet up I feel my right foot burning.  We both went to bed last night moaning as we first laid down.  It was so funny.  I promised my dear sweet husband that I would not do any more entertaining until I could do everything on my own.  Between the groceries and maid this little dinner party cost us about $200 and for someone that I just felt obligated to and not really wanting to entertain.  I know my attitude stinks but I just can't help it.  This is just a place that I know that I can be honest!  Have you ever had to entertain someone you felt obligated to but didn't care too much for?  Come on be honest!

Yesterday morning I knew that prepping dinner and getting the dessert made was going to wear out my feet at this high weight.  I purposely didn't take my fluid pills so that I could rest yesterday morning.  I dreaded getting thing ready I waited till it was all a rush.  My sweetie worked in the garage all morning long then he went and grabbed us a Subway and then he re-vacummed the carpets with our Dyson because we knew that the maids vacuum didn't get al the cat hair up.  It was amazing.  I simply have to stay after this house which I plan to do.  He also ran to the liquor sore to get Mike's birthday present and then he cleaned the kitty boy box, washed the martini glasses, got down my salad bowl and other little things while I grabbed my shower.  He also peeled all the shrimp for me.  I worked the man hard.  I made the dessert, kept up with the dishes and prepped dinner, set the table for appetizer's.  That sweet man of mine helped get out serving plates, helped clear the table after the appetizers and after dinner.  I'm telling you I wore the precious man out! 

Mike and Sandy brought me a birthday present which shocked me after he forgot my birthday.  They gave me the most goregous melon colored wrap and a $50 gift card from Amazon because they know how much I love to read and buy things from them.  I was shocked.  We gave Mike the biggest bottle of Willet bourbon that they make.  He was excited because he had just run out.  You know as bad as I want this friendship to end I just don't think that it is going to.  I have just grown to despise Mike but I love Sandy.  He controlled me in such a gross way that when I finally woke up to it, I just can't stand him.  He still tries to control me and I just hate it.  Trust me I just won't let him.  I don't take all his phone calls anymore.  He hates that I quit WW and he despises that I'm working with a trainer and doing something so radically different yet he tries his damnest to make me think that I'm still doing WW which I'm not!  OMG!  My Sweetie thinks that thing will just eventully drift apart.  I just hope that they will.  Since we both have decided not to have the over anymore that should help things as well.  In the entire friendship they have only had us over once.  We always do things here and I'm just not going to do it anymore.

I know you are wondering how dinner was and it was fantastic.  I made a Jambayla recipe out of one of the WW cookbooks as well as a Black-Bottom Cream Pie.  I served a salad and bread and it was fantastic.  For the appetizer I served pita chips, a package of hummas that had 4 flavors in it and boiled shrimp with cocktail sauce.  They brought a very good cheese that had herbs in it with chopped nuts and flavored lightly with cloves.  It was very good with crackers.  The guys drank Manhattans and Sandy and I drank Cosmos.  I served ice tea with dinner and offered coffee with dessert.  We had a o.k. time.  I really enjoyed visiting with Sandy.  She is such a sweet heart.  She did help me some which I greatly appreciated.

Eating appetizers and a dinner like hat made me feel like I blew it big time.  I had talked to my trainer about it all and he thought that it was all good, even though I had rice at the evening meal.  I guess every great once in a while it will not hurt you.  I did save a piece of pie for my sweetie pie and sent the rest of the pie home with Mike and Sandy.  So far today I havn't eaten which isn't good but then we didn't get up till late.  I have had a snack.  Mark wants fajitas.  I told him only if he would eat chicken.  I will eat 2 only with some charro beans and No Chips!!!!!  I've got to get on my Wii today someway somehow.  I guess I can do it from a chair.  J.D. is going to kill me on Tuesday for not doing it Friday or yesterday!  Pray for my feet!

Enjoy your day!

Had A Great Day!

I had a really great day yesterday.  I got up and finished up the last few things for the maids and then I took a short nap (I got up at 4:00) and I had breakfast and went and worked out with my trainer.  We really had a great workout.   I would say it was the best ever.  He pushed me and then I would decide to push myself more.  I think that we both were suprised as to what I could really do.  It makes me wonder if I can push further.  One the arm machine I pushed 35 lbs and I'm telling you at first try I could not budge the handles.  My trainer kept yelling at me push and I know you can do it and I finally took a deep breath and gave it everything I had and it moved.  I then kept holding my breath and he noticed and told me to stop.  I had a hard time keeping it going and stopped a couple short but I did let the last few in.  We did the treadmill again pushing me to the max and we did the stepper and then the Ab machine was tied up so he had me sit n a rubber ball nnd hod a 15 pound above my head and made me sit-up without moving my arms.  That was tought till I figured out how to do it.  It was hard but rewarding.  I left the gym feeling like a fit girl!  Woo Hoo!!!!

The maids did a fantastic job on the house and it feels so good to have it clean!  If I don't get that office room done someone in the house is going to kill me so it is on my list to spend at least a hour a day on it till it gets done.  My sweetie has really been working on the garage and our new neighbors are going to take our old dining room set and so hopefully by next weekend my new car will be parked in the garage and out of this heat!

My niece came to borrow a long table and some chairs and a fan for a event that she is doing for her job.  She sells insurance and does financial planning.  She is really good at what she does and we had a nice visit before I helped her unload and re-load her SUV.  My new neighbor came over and I was able to introduce them to each other and hopefully she can help them with their needs.  My neighbor had come to leave me a key to their house because they are going out of town.  We are really enjoying our new neighbors.  It is 100% better than the old ones that had drama going on all the time.  It is like a breath of fresh air.  I think for once we are going to be really happy here.

Well, I have spent all morning long trying to write this and dozing off.  I need to get things prepped for dinner tonight (Saturday) and I need to do my Wii and get my shower and get dressed.  Time is a wasting!  I just wished I was excited about who was coming but I'm not.  I'll be glad when the evening is over.  A long over-due, cancelled many times obligation that will be out of my hair!  I know that I have such a awful attitude but I'm just not diggin entertaining my old WW leader that was a control freak in my life!  Enough said!

Enjoy your day and send me some happy vibes today!

Whoops!!!

I had every intention of getting out here and posting yesterday but it just didn't work out.  I saw my therapist yesterday morning and we had a wonderful session.  We had a pretty big break-through with our MDR treatment.  Just for your information MDR is kind of a hypnosis that is used when a person has gone through a lot of trauma.  When you have gone through a lot of trauma the right brain and the left brain disconnect and this treatment reconnects the right brain to the left brain.  It's weird, I know but it really has worked on me!  Anyway I told her about my self-talking and she did MDR on that topic.  I wish I could remember the last question that she asked me but through the treatment my answers that came up was rebellion and stubborness.  When she brought me out of the treatment and asked me what were the two things that I put in my box and I told her she just died laughing and was so excited and went on at how this treatment really works on me.  We then talked about my rebellion with my eating disorder and I recalled a few times where my mother told me that I didn't need to eat something and how I left and went on a binge.  Another time when I was back in my 20's I would call a friend to go out to dinner and if they refused it woud make me feel rejected and I would binge.  We really hit on people trying to control what I was eating and I would just rebel.  Well, my time ended too soon so I'm sure over the next few weeks we will really talk about my rebellion and stubborness.

After I ran some errands I came home and fell fast asleep.  I never did my Wii which I am terribly dissappoited in myself but my Sweetie and I did finish up the house and we re ready for the maids today.  Here is a pet peeve of mine.  When I called the maids I told them that I needed a afternoon time.  What is afternoon?  After 12:00 right?  Well they don't call you till the daay before they come and when did they schedule me?  At 11:00!!!  I work out with my trainer from 10:00 to 10:50 and I have to get home.  I called them back because they left me a message and the have promised me if the girls get here before me that they will have them wait for me.  They had better!  I need to get i clean today because we are having friends over for dinner which I really don't want to do.  It is my old Weight Watcher leader and his girlfriend.  I'm really trying to break off this friendship but I committed to this meal back when I was going to WW and I feel because he keeps bringing it up, I need to get this over with and hopefully this friendship will die.  I so hope it does.  I'm sick of him if you know what I mean.  At leat he ha no control over me anymore!  That is huge!

So today I have to do the Wii, eat breakfat, dress, put a check out for the lawn guys and get to the gym to get home to the maids and then I can enjoy a clean house.  I need to make out a grocery list and finish planning the menu.  May I say again how much I don't want to do this!!!! 

I did have a good eating day yesterday and got my calories up to 1500 and I feel better.  You can't move 391 lbs on 1233 calories.  You feel sick.  I felt a lot better today.  My sodium count was too high and the last two days my protein was too high.  So...I need to get some help from my trainer to get everything more balanced out.  I'm lacking in carbs.  I'll see what he suggests today and I'll report back to ya'll tmorrow.

Until then...be good!

Whew Baby!

I had another good day yesterday!  Yea!  Now starting on Day 3 and we are going good!  Did the Wii, ate breakfast and of all things went back to bed and sleep for awhile.  Don't know why my eyes were slamming shut this morning!  The agenda today is to continue to work on the house and get it ready for the maids.  Mind you I have to do a little at a time.  I tire so easily.  I'll be so glad to get my strength and agility back!  Sooner the better!

My trainer gave me the workout of a lifetime.  I guess the conditioning training is over because yesterday I thought he was going to kill me!  LOL!  I survived but he was out for me to "feel the burn" and boy did I ever feel it!  OMG!  We did 10 minutes on the treadmill with the incline set at 4 and the speed at 120, then he put 2lb dumbbells in my hand and made me not hold on and pump those dumbbells.  I thought I was going to go off the back of the treadmill because I felt like I was walking up a hill.  My balance was everywhere!  Then for the first time since I start working out with him we did some weight machines and that is really when I could "feel the burn"!  He'd ask me after the first rep if I could feel the burn and if I couldn't he went up on the weights.  By the time we got to the shoulder press I could lift 10 lbs.  It was funny but no funny.  I told him that all the guys on that side of the gym were laughing their ass off at me.  He assured me that they weren't and if they did he would take care of them.  I can only imagine what he has planned for Friday.  I best be ready for him.  Nice guy is over with that is for sure!  Oh yea, I almost forget!  On the Ab Machine I was pulling over 85 lbs!  That was exciting to me! 

When I got home I fixed my snack of non-fat Greek yogurt and a cup of strawberries and it was so good and it really hit the spot.  I was so tired.  I ended up falling asleep about the time I should have been feeding my kitty monsters and they were patient till 6:00.  When Mark called he told me to go ahead a go back to sleep, he was on his way home and he said that he would wake me up in a hour and help me fix dinner.  Well, I don't know what he was doing but I woke up at 8:00 and he was outside.  We ended up going to Cheddar's and I was good.  I ordered their lunch size salmon with green beans and carrots.  I didn't get it blackened or with a honey bourbon glaze on it, I asked for it to be cooked plain and I enjoyed it all.  My calories for the day was only 1288 which is really too low and I know my fearless trainer will have some choice words for me.  I'll have to get my calories up today.

I still can see that this is truly a battle of the mind.  Even after having my good self talk yesterday morning I really had to fight to stay on plan.  What was weird was I didn't want to eat on time.  I kept putting it off.  This morning when I was reading in Chris Powell's book he told the importance of eating on the clock of every 3 hours and why you must!  It keeps the metabolism burning most effectively when you do that.  You are empty in 3 hours so you need to keep the body fueled and running at top performance.  Today that is my goal...to eat by the clock!  Speaking of which, it is time to go and feed this body some lunch!

I Made It! Woo Hoo!

I didn't get done all that I wanted to get done yesterday but that is o.k.  This is a process and I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  My eating was perfect!  I have been trying to get back to that since my mother-in-law passed away and I got off track.  I didn't get to get back to the Wii but hey I did get in over 30 minutes and that is a start.  I did take a pretty long nap and I must have needed it.  That day is over and I'm calling it SUCCESS!

Last night on Nightline they did a segment on gastric by-pass surgery and reported that 1 out of 10 people who undergo the surgery turn into alcholics!  The reason for this is because food no longer works for them like food did so they turn to something different.  Another reason not to have this surgery!  Awful!  They interviewed several people who did have problems drinking since surgery.

I know that I have never really discussed my gastric banding not to be confused with the lap-band that I had done in 1993.  Humm...that was almost 19 years ago and you know what?  I'm still obese.  Did I get skinny with that band?  No!  Yes I lost weight, lost my hearing and lost my health but it did not turn me into my skinny dream girl.  With all that I have learned since then it wouldn't have because you have to fix the head first.  This weight loss journey is a two-fold process.  You have to work on your head and you have to do what it takes to lose the weight.  You just can't do one or the weight loss will not stay gone!  As Allie Vincent, the first woman Biggest Loser's motto is "BELIEVE IT!" 

I did have my little self talk this morning but I added something to it.  I'm presently reading Chris Powell's book and the chapter that I'm on is about changing your way of thinking and today I added "I am a athlete!  I am in training!"  He said that we all have the ability to be a athlete but that most of us don't believe it.  He says that you have to believe it because it is possible.  This is what he tells the people that he is working with to transform that they will be and they have to believe it.  If you have watched Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition you see him turn people into athletes.  The Biggest Loser does the same thing.  This work isn't finished when you reach your magic number, it continues on.  I have often said that when I get to goal I want to run a 5K and you know what I'm going to!  I may be 58 or 59 year old but I am going to run one.  I'm not saying that I want to become a runner but I want to run a 5K and not come in last!  I want such a transformation that I can find a way to work with obese kids and teenagers to let them know that the time is now to change their destiny and get healthy.  To let the see and hear that they do not want to do what I have done with my life!  That is my big dream!  It will come true!  I know it!

My agenda for the rest of the day is to finish a load of laundry that needs to be dried, fix my lunch, shower and go work out with JD.  After that I plan to come home and start picking up things since the maids are coming on Friday.  I've also got to figure out what to do with the Mahi-Mahi fillets that I have thawing in the fridge.  Do you have any good ideas that you can share with me?  If so, leave me a comment.  I'll be checking back to see if you share with me.  If not, then I have some Biggest Loser cookbooks that I can look through.  I just don't want plain baked fish.  Of course there will be no potatoes, I might fix some brown rice and I have some a frozen medley of veggies that I plan on stir-frying.  Dinner will be good!  What is in store at your house tonight?  Whatever it is I hope that it is clean eating because then it will be healthy!

Let's Get Started!

I'm so ready to get this all started. I truly believe that I have my head in the right place. Will it stay there? I sure hope so! I think that I have found a key to this and that is looking at just a few hours at a time. What do I have to do during the next two hours? I make a list in my head and I go to work at that list knowing that I have two hour to get it done. I also have found standing in the mirror and making myself look myself in the eye and talk positively to myself. Things like "This will be a successful day, I can do this, I want health, I want life, I can do anything for two hours today." If the need arise when that negative talk comes back to haunt me I plan on stopping what I'm doing and going and making myself look at this grossly overweight body and go through the routine again.

When I got up this morning I did the deed and got on the scale and faced the music. I didn't let it bring me down, instead I told myself, this is absolutely the last time you will have to face this number. I mean it. I have struggled with these high numbers for almost 20 years and the games are over. I must figure out how to get this done. I'm starting with self positive-talk every single day just like I said above. I've decided that parts of the mind are very evil and I am just going to fight with all my might to kill all those negative self-destructing demons that have set up house inside of me. Boy I know that this is going to be a battle but I'm ready for it. I've got my support team in place.

First my husband as he wants so much for me to live and be healthy and happy. I have a personal trainer who believes that I can do this and I will do this. I have a few readers right now who love and support me and I'm hoping if you have found my blog that you will also be a active part of my team. I also have the best therapist in the country (at least that is my humble opinion) who is working so hard getting the demons out of my life who keep trying to have a hold on me. She also has the monumental job of teaching me how to love myself once again and to rebuild all the self confidence that I have lost over the years. She truly is the best!

As I start this journey I am very limited as to what all I can do physically. I have arthritis in both of my ankles and feet from being super obese for all these years. Let's face it at 391 lbs you don't want to do much of anything because it doesn't take you long to huff and puff. But...I am going to push myself. I am not going to give into the demons. Just like this morning I did my Wii for 35 minutes, I've made me breakfast, started a load of laundry and worked on my blog, call the maid service to schedule them to come in and help me get my house going and now it is time for me to decide what I'm going to accomplish for the next two hours. I'm sure it will be little things that I can pick up and do without spending a lot of time on my feet. I'm planning to do another 30 or more minutes on my Wii this afternoon because that is what my trainer wants me to do and tonight I am going to cook dinner which I haven't done in months. I know what I have to do right now is stop typing this because it is time for my snack...an apple and some peanut butter with a bottle of water! YUM!