I'm terribly sorry that time keeps getting away from me and this blog. I've just gone through a very tough time with my parents again. When I wrote the introduction to the last time I posted what I didn't tell you was that morning I talked to my Mom for the first time. Let me just say that I tried with all my might to be kind and I was, but I felt that all I got was things thrown up into my face and I believe that I have finally came to the conclusion that things will never be right with me and my Mom. I was a total mess that morning. Here is how the day played out...
After I hung up from my Mom, I just sat and cried. When I got a hold of myself I sent Anna a text to let her know hat we talked and it didn't go good. She texted me back and told me that she hadn't left but was fixing to board a plane. She told me that she was sorry but to journal about our conversation and bring it with me next week. (I do have two back to back sessions with Anna this week and I'm sure that it will help me). I again, so desperately wanted to binge. I didn't eat breakfast but I did get ready and I headed to Kathy's.
When I got there and Kathy called me back she greeted me with a pooched out lip and a sad face because I had called her the day before and left her a message about what was going on and I felt a binge coming on. As I walked into her office she patted me on the back and asked me how I did the day before. I told her that I made it through but that I really wanted to binge today. I started crying and I told her about my conversation with my Mom.. She wasn't real happy that I hadn't eaten but I told her that when I had left the house I was nauseated and I just couldn't eat. I told her that right now I just want to eat anything and everything that I could get my hand on and she told me she understood but that wasn't the best thing for me. The told again how important it was to eat according to my schedule in spite of my feelings to make the best choices that I could and to avoid what I really wanted. In other words if chips were calling my name to stay out of the pantry and look in the refrigerator for a meal and I left overs from dinner is what I wanted to eat then find something in the pantry. If I had to go to my bedroom and take some deep breaths and refocus on what I should be doing and not doing. Ask myself all the questions that she has taught me so far. I told her that I would be glad when she just lived in my head. I told her that sometimes I don't even know if I ask the questions right or wrong. She told me that she has other patients who tell her that they wished she didn't live in my head. I can't wait until she does.
She then told me that she knew that I had to be really hungry and I told her that I was. She told me that when I left her office that I was to put my car on auto-pilot and go straight home and fix my sandwich and chips, then I was to have my afternoon snack on time, dinner on time and my bedtime snack on time. She told me to eat even if I thought I didn't want to. She reminded me again that not eating was not a option to me. I had to eat and I had to be mindful of what I was eating and the desire of binging would go away. I know she is right because I have experienced it and I'm telling you if you binge you need to try this. You will be amazed on how well it works. It is hard and you have to fight but it doesn't take too long that all of the desire leaves you and you are back in control of your environment and what you know you should be doing.
We went over just a few days of my Recovery Record and discussed why I was skipping meals and most of it was because I wasn't hungry or I slept through a meal. She told me again the importance of not missing any meals or snacks and if I fall asleep to eat the missed meal right then and get back on schedule. She told me that she didn't care if I had lunch a hour before I had my afternoon snack but it was very important to get back on my eating schedule and stick to it. She reminded me again how not doing what she says will mess me up. She really stressed "DON'T MESS A MEAL OR A SNACK!". I think that I have it.
That was the end of our session and let me tell you it was 12:30 and I hadn't had anything to drink since my coffee at 5:00, so I was dying of thirst. I wanted to hit a fast-food place for a coke and I felt like I could do it but I decided that I would follow her advice and I would go straight home, however I did have to stop at the Vet to get the boys their food. I made it home and I grabbed a Coke Zero as soon as I got into the house and then I made my lunch and by my afternoon snack I had no desire to binge. She is so right and again I encourage you to try it. It really works. The cool thing about it is that I still can have anything that I want but I must be mindful of what it is that I want and to make sure it is appropriate for the time and if it is not to plan for it on another day. This is truly been so freeing to me.
I did survive the emotional day. I didn't binge. I got back on track with my feeling and my emotions and once again I saw how stupid it was to have wanted to binge. I wouldn't have won, my mother would have. It gave me such strength to know that "I" can control my circumstances!!!!
OK, Another week has gone by. I haven't binged but I have had to deal with some strong hunger that I don't understand. I know that I have eaten more in quantity like picking up a morning snack but I also started this putting a couple of chips in my mouth when I'm packing Mark's lunch in the morning. My selections haven't been the greatest and this past week, especially the last couple of days I am seeing mindless eating creeping its way back into my life. I'm so glad it is Thursday morning and I have my two back to back sessions with Anna about my calls to my parents and I'm really anxious to see Kathy so that I can tell her what is going on with me. I'm feeling bored with it all! That is a dangerous place to be. I can tell I still have a long way to go but I am learning honesty is the best policy and I'm also trusting my team to help me. I want to be free from my eating disorder. I will be free one day. I just have to keep telling myself "One day at a time!"
So...tonight we start a new. No more trying to catch up. It's impossible and I'm only making this worse by trying to do it. So check back tomorrow and see how Anna and Kathy help me with this strange but familiar place that I'm in!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
So Much Going On...
On Tuesday, I ended up falling asleep and I missed my Remicade appointment. Yesterday I got the guts to call my parents and let me just say that I am a complete mess. This situation is so screwed up and I have so much to process. Believe it or not I have not binged. I've cried till I can't cry anymore. Anyway, I'm up and today I see Kathy (Anna is out of town but I did get to talk to her by phone yesterday. Thank God! So...let me go ahead and update you about Kathy a week ago. Let's go...
I left Anna's and got to Kathy's and while I waited in the car I talked to Mark and I messed around with my phone before going in. I did have to wait on Kathy for a bit. She finally came and got me and we went into her office and she made the comment that it is so hard to see patients after they see their therapist and I started to cry again. We talked about my session with Anna and I told her that I wanted to binge. She of course started asking me questions...Will binging change my circumstances? Will binging really change my feelings for the long term or will it just calm them for the short term? How are you going to feel after the binge? Are you going to feel better? Worse? Wouldn't it be better to be kind to yourself by staying on course with your eating plan? By the time she asked me those questions I knew that a binge wasn't the answer and I was ready to move on.
She started looking over my Recovery Records and she said to me that she can tell by looking at my records that I had a tough emotional week. She said that she could see that we ate out more and I cooked less. She then asked me about Tuesday the day that I didn't eat all day. She wanted to know what was going on. I told her that I just wanted to go and tear into a bag of chips so I decided that it would be best to just stay out of the kitchen that day. She told me that was not the thing to do, that is a good set-up for a binge or a episode of overeating. She said to me that I should have eaten according to my schedule just figured out what I could eat without opening the pantry where I keep the chips. She said that I should be able to choose things to eat from the fridge if things in the pantry become a challenge and vice-verso. I never thought about that. I could see where that could have worked for breakfast but not for lunch. Then I thought about my fruit bowl. I could have had my sandwich and a piece of fruit for lunch. I would have ran into a road block for a snack not being able to get to my crackers but then I now didn't know where my mind would have been if I had known to do these other things. Now I know. It also has made me think that I need to expand my choices to keep in the house!
We then talked about my evening meal that day. Mark brought home Panda Express and I recorded my meal before he got home. When I told him what I wanted I added crab puffs to my meal. He forgot to order them so they were recorded to my food record and once you record on recovery record it will not let you go back and edit anything. So I told Kathy what happened that the crab puffs were on my record but that I didn't eat them. We then talked about why did I think that I needed the crab puffs. I told her that I was hungry and because I hadn't eaten all day I thought that they would not hurt me. She then explained to me why it is important to stay on track and eat. She gave me another tip about my not wanted to eat because I wanted to eat a bag of chips. She told me that when that desire is there and it is time to fix a meal to go to a quiet place like my bedroom and go and regroup and think things through. She said that sometimes that will help. She said a lot of times asking myself questions about the chips and my motives will open the door to see that the chips can be controlled and that I could recover to go into the kitchen and handled serving myself my portion of chips. She said that sometimes it doesn't work. She said there will be times that the desire will be so strong that the best thing to do is do like she had said earlier and find something else to eat that would not take me to where the chips are kept. So there is two new things that I learned. Leave the room and to and try and re-focus and if that doesn't work then avoid going to the area that the chips are located until I can handled them again.
I am amazed at how many things that I'm learning from Kathy that is common sense! I guess the disease just takes over and we lose that ability to refocus and we just go for it in a mindless way. It is almost scary to see how the disease can take over the brain and you react and never think. The more and more I question myself and practice eating mindfully the better I am getting! Am I perfect yet? No! This week shows you that I have hings to learn. I am sure many things to learn as the circumstances come up and Kathy is able to teach me what to do under each circumstance. For now, I have to trust in the baby steps that are involved and to trust the process.
How am I doing not losing much weight? At first it really bothered me because that has really been my focus for years. I'm starting to see that yes with a diet I can lose weight. Will I be able to keep it off when he diet is over? No! Because the underlying cause of my eating hasn't been dealt with. I'm so thankful as time goes on to have found Kathy. Oh how I wish I could have found her a long time ago. I guess this is my season to learn how to manage my disease and to be able to recover from it. She says to me all the time "Laura, you will recover!"
Here are some thoughts from my Recovery Record:
I will feed myself and fight this illness, not feed this illness and fight myself!
It is not what happens to you, but how you react that matters!
Don't believe everything you think!
I left Anna's and got to Kathy's and while I waited in the car I talked to Mark and I messed around with my phone before going in. I did have to wait on Kathy for a bit. She finally came and got me and we went into her office and she made the comment that it is so hard to see patients after they see their therapist and I started to cry again. We talked about my session with Anna and I told her that I wanted to binge. She of course started asking me questions...Will binging change my circumstances? Will binging really change my feelings for the long term or will it just calm them for the short term? How are you going to feel after the binge? Are you going to feel better? Worse? Wouldn't it be better to be kind to yourself by staying on course with your eating plan? By the time she asked me those questions I knew that a binge wasn't the answer and I was ready to move on.
She started looking over my Recovery Records and she said to me that she can tell by looking at my records that I had a tough emotional week. She said that she could see that we ate out more and I cooked less. She then asked me about Tuesday the day that I didn't eat all day. She wanted to know what was going on. I told her that I just wanted to go and tear into a bag of chips so I decided that it would be best to just stay out of the kitchen that day. She told me that was not the thing to do, that is a good set-up for a binge or a episode of overeating. She said to me that I should have eaten according to my schedule just figured out what I could eat without opening the pantry where I keep the chips. She said that I should be able to choose things to eat from the fridge if things in the pantry become a challenge and vice-verso. I never thought about that. I could see where that could have worked for breakfast but not for lunch. Then I thought about my fruit bowl. I could have had my sandwich and a piece of fruit for lunch. I would have ran into a road block for a snack not being able to get to my crackers but then I now didn't know where my mind would have been if I had known to do these other things. Now I know. It also has made me think that I need to expand my choices to keep in the house!
We then talked about my evening meal that day. Mark brought home Panda Express and I recorded my meal before he got home. When I told him what I wanted I added crab puffs to my meal. He forgot to order them so they were recorded to my food record and once you record on recovery record it will not let you go back and edit anything. So I told Kathy what happened that the crab puffs were on my record but that I didn't eat them. We then talked about why did I think that I needed the crab puffs. I told her that I was hungry and because I hadn't eaten all day I thought that they would not hurt me. She then explained to me why it is important to stay on track and eat. She gave me another tip about my not wanted to eat because I wanted to eat a bag of chips. She told me that when that desire is there and it is time to fix a meal to go to a quiet place like my bedroom and go and regroup and think things through. She said that sometimes that will help. She said a lot of times asking myself questions about the chips and my motives will open the door to see that the chips can be controlled and that I could recover to go into the kitchen and handled serving myself my portion of chips. She said that sometimes it doesn't work. She said there will be times that the desire will be so strong that the best thing to do is do like she had said earlier and find something else to eat that would not take me to where the chips are kept. So there is two new things that I learned. Leave the room and to and try and re-focus and if that doesn't work then avoid going to the area that the chips are located until I can handled them again.
I am amazed at how many things that I'm learning from Kathy that is common sense! I guess the disease just takes over and we lose that ability to refocus and we just go for it in a mindless way. It is almost scary to see how the disease can take over the brain and you react and never think. The more and more I question myself and practice eating mindfully the better I am getting! Am I perfect yet? No! This week shows you that I have hings to learn. I am sure many things to learn as the circumstances come up and Kathy is able to teach me what to do under each circumstance. For now, I have to trust in the baby steps that are involved and to trust the process.
How am I doing not losing much weight? At first it really bothered me because that has really been my focus for years. I'm starting to see that yes with a diet I can lose weight. Will I be able to keep it off when he diet is over? No! Because the underlying cause of my eating hasn't been dealt with. I'm so thankful as time goes on to have found Kathy. Oh how I wish I could have found her a long time ago. I guess this is my season to learn how to manage my disease and to be able to recover from it. She says to me all the time "Laura, you will recover!"
Here are some thoughts from my Recovery Record:
I will feed myself and fight this illness, not feed this illness and fight myself!
and
It is not what happens to you, but how you react that matters!
also
Don't believe everything you think!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Here We Go At 2:00 AM!!!
Believe it or not I am up! Maybe it is because I slept all afternoon after I got home from the Dr. and then I fell asleep again at 9:00 and went to bed at 10:30! Anyway we'll see how far I get before I get sleepy, so let's go!
Friday I had a good day and was very proud on how I recovered so quickly from the binge and relished in the thoughts of what Kathy had taught me. I would have never tried to just go back to doing what I needed to do with out her pushing. I'm telling you it works!
Saturday was pretty much a lazy day around here and we didn't really do all that much during the day and I did keep on my eating schedule and I ate well and Mark and I both wanted to go out and have a margarita and fajitas Saturday night. For the first time in a long time I didn't have this fear of going to eat mexican food well up in my body or did I have the thoughts of "Oh No! I'm fixing to be so bad!" We went and we ordered our Fajitas for Two, Mark had a margarita and I decided that I really didn't want one so I had a diet coke. We didn't order queso so we enjoyed some chips and salsa. It was the first time that I really slowed down and wasn't cramming chips in my mouth as fast as I could. I guess I had about 8 chips and our dinner came. I fixed me a chicken fajita first with grilled onions, guacamole and some pico de gallo and I enjoyed it so much. It tasted really great. I then ate some of my charro beans and tasted my rice and then I fixed a beef fajita and put the same things on it. It was really good as well. After the beef fajita I was done, I was tired of the taste and I was just satisfied with what I had and enjoyed every bit of it. Mark ate chips, cleaned out his beans and rice and ate 4 fajitas. I thought I was going to get sick watching him remembering that I use to keep right up with him and would get mad at him in my mind because he always put more meat on his fajita that I would and I was always in a panic that there was not going to be enough for me to have four! How crazy was that?!!!!!
Sunday was just another day of watching TV and doing not much of anything except watching the Superbowl. We didn't even have any snacks. We had stuffed potatoes made at home and we went to bed at a normal time. The weird thing was I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and I was extremely sad over this situation with my parents. I was really brokenhearted as I miss them so much and I just can't understand how or why they would all of a sudden decide that they didn't want to talk to me anymore until I heal and the problem with it is that they are so much a part of my healing process. Feeling unloved all your life, your dream is that for one day to feel love from your family and not have them reject you like they have. I hate that my feelings all my life have had a big confirmation! I cried and cried till I fell back to sleep in my chair.
Monday morning I told Mark what had happened and told him that I was so sad and so depressed. He felt awful for me. I was still crying. I got him off to work and the whole day I cried and cried and cried and I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I did eat like I should because I knew that it was important. I went to bed Monday night sad. In fact I slept through The Biggest Loser! You know that I wouldn't normally do that!
Tuesday morning I woke up still very sad and couldn't keep my family out of my mind. I wondered what they were doing and wondered if they missed me as much as I miss them. I wondered if they ever thought about me or was I just out of their minds for good because they hated me so bad. I wondered how could my mother give birth to me and hate me so much. I wondered what I ever did. I wished that I had never been born and I wished that I would just die. I knew that I was seriously depressed. I didn't want to eat that morning. By noon time I was hungry but I wanted a sandwich and a whole bag of potato chips. I stayed out of the kitchen and didn't eat because I was so afraid of binging. I slept most of the afternoon to keep from eating. Mark brought home Panda Express and I did eat what I normally get from there and for my bedtime snack, I had 2 cookies and 2 scoops of ice cream which I knew was excessive but "I deserved it because I didn't eat all day." thought in my mind. (Hang on to that thought for later!).
Wednesday, I was feeling pretty sad but I was functioning a little better I forgot to mention that on Tuesday, Mark had his desk gone through again by his employer and he was extremely upset because he had not changed one thing since she had gone through it the first time. I can only imagine how he feels. He had taken off to go get our car tags and car registration straightened out at the court house. He knew that I was in no shape to do it and my tags had expired on my truck so we needed them. I did eat pretty well on Wednesday but Mark brought home dinner again. Crazy but I was making good decisions based on my new lifestyle and I was mindful of how much I ate. I for sure didn't over eat all this week. I did have another crying jag in the afternoon that was really bad. I feel like "Would someone just shoot me and relieve me of this pain and loss?!!!"
Thursday my session with Anna was full of tears and the pouring out of my feelings of what I'm going through. I told Anna I hate this waiting everyday to see if they are going to call and be ready to talk to me again. I told her that I felt that time was ruining our relationship because as time went on I could see the relationship deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I told her that I was ready to write them a letter and tell them to never contact me again for any reason and at least have the freedom to move on. We discussed everything around it and she suggested that I write individual letters to my Mom, my Dad and even one to my Brother and if I felt good about them then to go ahead a mail them or if I wanted to discuss them in our next session to bring them and we would review them. I was sad to find out that next week (Valentine's Day) she will be out of town so that means no Anna till he 21st. Oh God I hope that I can go that long! She also encouraged me to get a hold of Mark (the one that does my anti-depressants) and let him know how depressed I was and see if he wanted to adjust my meds. I told her that I would and I left and headed for Kathy's.
OK, it is now 3:00 in the morning and this is starting up some of my emotions and I feel like I need to stop for a while and get away from this. I do have my Remicade this morning at 10:00. Hopefully I will get back to this when I get home and hopefully can finish things up through yesterday. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Friday I had a good day and was very proud on how I recovered so quickly from the binge and relished in the thoughts of what Kathy had taught me. I would have never tried to just go back to doing what I needed to do with out her pushing. I'm telling you it works!
Saturday was pretty much a lazy day around here and we didn't really do all that much during the day and I did keep on my eating schedule and I ate well and Mark and I both wanted to go out and have a margarita and fajitas Saturday night. For the first time in a long time I didn't have this fear of going to eat mexican food well up in my body or did I have the thoughts of "Oh No! I'm fixing to be so bad!" We went and we ordered our Fajitas for Two, Mark had a margarita and I decided that I really didn't want one so I had a diet coke. We didn't order queso so we enjoyed some chips and salsa. It was the first time that I really slowed down and wasn't cramming chips in my mouth as fast as I could. I guess I had about 8 chips and our dinner came. I fixed me a chicken fajita first with grilled onions, guacamole and some pico de gallo and I enjoyed it so much. It tasted really great. I then ate some of my charro beans and tasted my rice and then I fixed a beef fajita and put the same things on it. It was really good as well. After the beef fajita I was done, I was tired of the taste and I was just satisfied with what I had and enjoyed every bit of it. Mark ate chips, cleaned out his beans and rice and ate 4 fajitas. I thought I was going to get sick watching him remembering that I use to keep right up with him and would get mad at him in my mind because he always put more meat on his fajita that I would and I was always in a panic that there was not going to be enough for me to have four! How crazy was that?!!!!!
Sunday was just another day of watching TV and doing not much of anything except watching the Superbowl. We didn't even have any snacks. We had stuffed potatoes made at home and we went to bed at a normal time. The weird thing was I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and I was extremely sad over this situation with my parents. I was really brokenhearted as I miss them so much and I just can't understand how or why they would all of a sudden decide that they didn't want to talk to me anymore until I heal and the problem with it is that they are so much a part of my healing process. Feeling unloved all your life, your dream is that for one day to feel love from your family and not have them reject you like they have. I hate that my feelings all my life have had a big confirmation! I cried and cried till I fell back to sleep in my chair.
Monday morning I told Mark what had happened and told him that I was so sad and so depressed. He felt awful for me. I was still crying. I got him off to work and the whole day I cried and cried and cried and I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I did eat like I should because I knew that it was important. I went to bed Monday night sad. In fact I slept through The Biggest Loser! You know that I wouldn't normally do that!
Tuesday morning I woke up still very sad and couldn't keep my family out of my mind. I wondered what they were doing and wondered if they missed me as much as I miss them. I wondered if they ever thought about me or was I just out of their minds for good because they hated me so bad. I wondered how could my mother give birth to me and hate me so much. I wondered what I ever did. I wished that I had never been born and I wished that I would just die. I knew that I was seriously depressed. I didn't want to eat that morning. By noon time I was hungry but I wanted a sandwich and a whole bag of potato chips. I stayed out of the kitchen and didn't eat because I was so afraid of binging. I slept most of the afternoon to keep from eating. Mark brought home Panda Express and I did eat what I normally get from there and for my bedtime snack, I had 2 cookies and 2 scoops of ice cream which I knew was excessive but "I deserved it because I didn't eat all day." thought in my mind. (Hang on to that thought for later!).
Wednesday, I was feeling pretty sad but I was functioning a little better I forgot to mention that on Tuesday, Mark had his desk gone through again by his employer and he was extremely upset because he had not changed one thing since she had gone through it the first time. I can only imagine how he feels. He had taken off to go get our car tags and car registration straightened out at the court house. He knew that I was in no shape to do it and my tags had expired on my truck so we needed them. I did eat pretty well on Wednesday but Mark brought home dinner again. Crazy but I was making good decisions based on my new lifestyle and I was mindful of how much I ate. I for sure didn't over eat all this week. I did have another crying jag in the afternoon that was really bad. I feel like "Would someone just shoot me and relieve me of this pain and loss?!!!"
Thursday my session with Anna was full of tears and the pouring out of my feelings of what I'm going through. I told Anna I hate this waiting everyday to see if they are going to call and be ready to talk to me again. I told her that I felt that time was ruining our relationship because as time went on I could see the relationship deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I told her that I was ready to write them a letter and tell them to never contact me again for any reason and at least have the freedom to move on. We discussed everything around it and she suggested that I write individual letters to my Mom, my Dad and even one to my Brother and if I felt good about them then to go ahead a mail them or if I wanted to discuss them in our next session to bring them and we would review them. I was sad to find out that next week (Valentine's Day) she will be out of town so that means no Anna till he 21st. Oh God I hope that I can go that long! She also encouraged me to get a hold of Mark (the one that does my anti-depressants) and let him know how depressed I was and see if he wanted to adjust my meds. I told her that I would and I left and headed for Kathy's.
OK, it is now 3:00 in the morning and this is starting up some of my emotions and I feel like I need to stop for a while and get away from this. I do have my Remicade this morning at 10:00. Hopefully I will get back to this when I get home and hopefully can finish things up through yesterday. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Taking Care Of Me!
I know that I ended my last post with me going to get you all caught up. There has been a lot of stress around here and truthfully I have had to fight with all my might not to binge. You know how it is, we run to the food to numb our world. I'm making myself to stop doing that and it is hard! Very hard! As I go along catching you up you will understand why life has been so hard for me!
Continued...
Monday started off as a usual day and Mark was a little uneasy about how his day was going to be in the new shop. I felt like things would be o.k. because there has never been any problems where he works and usually he just loves his job. Around mid-morning I got the urge to just pray for him. I did and I still felt uneasy so I called him. I questioned him and he said that he really couldn't talk. Well, I don't know about you but for me when my better half can't tell me what is going on in his world my world falls apart worrying about what is going on. He called me at noon to tell me that after he left on Sunday the owner's wife went through his desk and threw everything she didn't think belonged there on the top of it. She did that to each desk in the shop. He found out that the Service Writers and Cashiers had to stand and not sit down 12 hours a day, he and everyone in the Body Shop has to park 150 yards away from the office on the street except for the two ladies who work the front desk. It has been nuts and very ridiculous.
On Tuesday, he was told that he could not use his cell phone for any personal calls, outgoing or incoming but he could use it to call the guys in the shop on their cell phones if they needed to. The guys in the shop don't have a phone! They also can not have but one file at a time on their desk and let me explain why this is nuts. Let's say that Mark is inputting a estimate for a customer that is waiting on him to complete and Joe Blow calls on his line to check the status of his car. Mark has to put up the estimate and then dig out the other file and answer his question and then go back and get out the one that he was working on. It is stupid as these guy are usually working on 10 or more files each day and have about 30 open files at any given time. It costs them time, yet the owners have nearly doubled their goals of what they should bring in each month as a shop. I think you are getting the picture. Ridiculous!
Wednesday was a pretty normal day and through all of this I was able not to binge, eat my plan and work through the anxiety and anger that I was having. Huge binge triggers for me!
Thursday morning I got Mark off to his dreadful job and I decided to get on-line and read emails and catch up with Facebook. Just before it was time to go and get ready to head up to see Anna and Kathy I checked my email again and there sat a email from my Dad with no subject. I swear all the blood in my body went down to my big toes. I got nauseated, I asked myself if I was ready for this, I was kinda in a state of disbelief but I made my self open it up scared to death. What I saw was a link to a website and I knew that my Dad had a virus on his computer. I was sick, I cried and cried, I was angry and I had all other kinds of emotions going on. I didn't want to go see Anna and Kathy at this point. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and never wake up. I made myself take my shower and get dressed and by this time some emotions had calmed down but I left the house about 15 minutes early and I was out for a binge. Tunnel vision and the whole works. I wanted food and I needed food to numb me and to love me. That is how crazy this disease is. In your normal state you can see how ridiculous it all is and how food isn't going to fix anything or make you feel better but in the binge mode you just don't give a crap and all you are focused on is getting that fix and it must be the same thing for a druggie or a alcoholic! I pulled into Jack In the Box and I ordered me a Sausage Croissant Combo with a medium coke, and a Supreme Croissant with an extra order of hash browns. I also noticed a new hamburger and I made plans to stop there on my way home.
I crammed this food in my mouth while I was driving and I got to Anna's and went in and had to wait a few minutes for her When I walked in her office I just lost it. I told her about the email and I just bawled. I asked her how could my parents do this to me? I told her that it is doing nothing but confirming that they didn't love me! How could a parent reject their child at 56 years old? It is just totally beyond me and it is the last thing that I would have expected from my parents! I told Anna that I just couldn't take the pain any more. She told me that she didn't understand it either but that I would survive it and she assured me that it was their loss. I told her that I knew that our relationship would never be the same. I told her that I couldn't trust them, I don't know what to say to them, I don't know how much I can share with them and I told her how pissed off that I was. Towards the end of our session I told her that I binged on the way up there. Anna looked at me funny and said, I know we haven't really talked about your eating but I assumed with all that is going on that you were out of control. I then told her that I may have overeaten at times but that I had not binged since I started seeing Kathy. Anna's jaw dropped. She said to me "Are you kidding?" and I said "No!" I thought Anna was going to cry. For the first time I think that I made Anna speechless. She then told me how proud she was of me not to give into binging because I sure had enough going on to be binging. I told her that I hated myself for it but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to stop. She assured me that I could and she told me to make sure that I told Kathy about what was going on. She told me that Kathy might be able to help me. It was time for me to go and Anna gave me a big hug and told me that I would be o.k. and that I was a beautiful caring person and that my parents are crazy to have done to me what they did and that they don't deserve to have a child like me. I left and made it to my car without crying and luckily I was able to get to Kathy's without crying.
I have to sit in my car and wait for Kathy for about 30 minutes each week. I called Shannon my nieces partner and told her what happened and we talked and she let me vent. She also suffers with binging but she has gotten hers under control and she talked to me and told me that I could stop. She understood the pain that I was in and that she thought it was awful what O'Mommy and O'Daddy was doing to me. (That is what the grand kids call them). I got off the phone with Shannon and I went up to Kathy's office and waited for her.
I walked into her office and sat down as she pulled my file and pulled up my food records. I told her that before we went over the week that I needed to talk. I told her about what happened and I told her about the binge. I expected anger or disappointment from her and that was not what I expected. She simply asked me what do we do from here? I told her that I wanted to go back and get a new hamburger that I noticed that they had. I told her that I still wanted to binge. She said to me. "Can you go and have the hamburger another time?" I told her yes. "Do you think that today is a good day for that?" and I told her no. she said "I think what we need to do is plan to go and have just the hamburger another day and sit down and really enjoy it. I don't think today that you would enjoy it." I told her probably not but that I didn't know what to do. I told her that I was stuffed from breakfast so do I just wait till I get hungry again before I ate? She said to me "No. I want you to have your lunch at the time you have your lunch, I want you to have your snack at the time you have your snack and I want you to eat your dinner at the time you ate your dinner and I want you to not think about this morning because it is gone and it is over with. Do you think that you can do it?" I told her yes but that I wasn't hungry and I would be forcing lunch down. She said "If you went and got the hamburger and fries wouldn't you be doing the same?" I realized that is exactly what I would be doing. She said the best way to break a binge is to get right back on schedule with your eating. I told her o.k. She told me to be gentle with myself today and to go home and do something special. We the talked about my cross-stitching and how much I had and she told me that her mother was a big cross stitcher and had me beat. Kathy then told me that she cross stitched and that she loved the shop on Louetta and I told her that was where I go and that I knew the owner and we were good friends and that who was doing the retreat that I was going on in March. I told her she ought to get her mom to come down and go on it one year. She told me that would be fun. She then went through my Recovery Records and we talked about my week and all the emotional things that happened and that I should be proud that I fought to binge over all the rough circumstances. She reminded me that our goal every week was to cook 3 times and to eat breakfast and lunch at home. We talked about the times that I back-filled on my log and she told me that she wanted me to try and log just after eating and not go into the record on-line and catch up. I told her that I would. She told me to follow our plan, to get out some stitching and to bring some things that I have stitched next week along with what I work on this week. I told her that I would.
I left there feeling better and was determined to do what she asked me to do. I did go home and ate lunch at the time that I normally did and while I wasn't hungry just eating on time made me feel better. As the day went on as I ate my snack and then ate my dinner the binge of the morning faded away and I learned so much in my session. For the first time I saw first hand and I felt first hand how to gain control back. I felt how good it felt to not punishment myself for my behavior and can see that it only makes the situation worse. I can't describe the successful feelings is brings to your mentally as you advance through doing what you know you need to do. I also saw as time passed the emotions subsided and life went back to normal. Will this ever happen to me again? I absolutely believe that it will. I also believe that I will need someone to help me remember to eat my normal meal at the regular time and continue eating on schedule the rest of the day. I do hope in time that I will on my own know what to do when those emotions take over and cause the tunnel vision that the binge process causes. Do I think that I have more to learn? Absolutely! I see each week why diets don't work for people who have binge disorders. It is freeing to eat what I want in controlled quantity and stay satisfied and fulfilled of my wants, needs and desires. The key is planning, another key is to stop beating yourself up when you do slip up. I'm understanding what Kathy says about "baby steps" and I understand right now why I'm not losing weight like I really want to but I'm starting to see that it won't be too long before it will just start dropping off as I re-learn how to properly eat and live with my eating disorder. I really wish that I had found Kathy long ago. I can see that all the crap that Mike told me to do was the exact opposite of what I'm learning now. I'll be glad when he no longer lives in my head yelling at me when I did have a binge. I remember those hard gruff nasty talks and how my binges lasted for days because I was committed to show him he could not control me. I'm finally finding peace with food.
The story continues....
Continued...
Monday started off as a usual day and Mark was a little uneasy about how his day was going to be in the new shop. I felt like things would be o.k. because there has never been any problems where he works and usually he just loves his job. Around mid-morning I got the urge to just pray for him. I did and I still felt uneasy so I called him. I questioned him and he said that he really couldn't talk. Well, I don't know about you but for me when my better half can't tell me what is going on in his world my world falls apart worrying about what is going on. He called me at noon to tell me that after he left on Sunday the owner's wife went through his desk and threw everything she didn't think belonged there on the top of it. She did that to each desk in the shop. He found out that the Service Writers and Cashiers had to stand and not sit down 12 hours a day, he and everyone in the Body Shop has to park 150 yards away from the office on the street except for the two ladies who work the front desk. It has been nuts and very ridiculous.
On Tuesday, he was told that he could not use his cell phone for any personal calls, outgoing or incoming but he could use it to call the guys in the shop on their cell phones if they needed to. The guys in the shop don't have a phone! They also can not have but one file at a time on their desk and let me explain why this is nuts. Let's say that Mark is inputting a estimate for a customer that is waiting on him to complete and Joe Blow calls on his line to check the status of his car. Mark has to put up the estimate and then dig out the other file and answer his question and then go back and get out the one that he was working on. It is stupid as these guy are usually working on 10 or more files each day and have about 30 open files at any given time. It costs them time, yet the owners have nearly doubled their goals of what they should bring in each month as a shop. I think you are getting the picture. Ridiculous!
Wednesday was a pretty normal day and through all of this I was able not to binge, eat my plan and work through the anxiety and anger that I was having. Huge binge triggers for me!
Thursday morning I got Mark off to his dreadful job and I decided to get on-line and read emails and catch up with Facebook. Just before it was time to go and get ready to head up to see Anna and Kathy I checked my email again and there sat a email from my Dad with no subject. I swear all the blood in my body went down to my big toes. I got nauseated, I asked myself if I was ready for this, I was kinda in a state of disbelief but I made my self open it up scared to death. What I saw was a link to a website and I knew that my Dad had a virus on his computer. I was sick, I cried and cried, I was angry and I had all other kinds of emotions going on. I didn't want to go see Anna and Kathy at this point. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and never wake up. I made myself take my shower and get dressed and by this time some emotions had calmed down but I left the house about 15 minutes early and I was out for a binge. Tunnel vision and the whole works. I wanted food and I needed food to numb me and to love me. That is how crazy this disease is. In your normal state you can see how ridiculous it all is and how food isn't going to fix anything or make you feel better but in the binge mode you just don't give a crap and all you are focused on is getting that fix and it must be the same thing for a druggie or a alcoholic! I pulled into Jack In the Box and I ordered me a Sausage Croissant Combo with a medium coke, and a Supreme Croissant with an extra order of hash browns. I also noticed a new hamburger and I made plans to stop there on my way home.
I crammed this food in my mouth while I was driving and I got to Anna's and went in and had to wait a few minutes for her When I walked in her office I just lost it. I told her about the email and I just bawled. I asked her how could my parents do this to me? I told her that it is doing nothing but confirming that they didn't love me! How could a parent reject their child at 56 years old? It is just totally beyond me and it is the last thing that I would have expected from my parents! I told Anna that I just couldn't take the pain any more. She told me that she didn't understand it either but that I would survive it and she assured me that it was their loss. I told her that I knew that our relationship would never be the same. I told her that I couldn't trust them, I don't know what to say to them, I don't know how much I can share with them and I told her how pissed off that I was. Towards the end of our session I told her that I binged on the way up there. Anna looked at me funny and said, I know we haven't really talked about your eating but I assumed with all that is going on that you were out of control. I then told her that I may have overeaten at times but that I had not binged since I started seeing Kathy. Anna's jaw dropped. She said to me "Are you kidding?" and I said "No!" I thought Anna was going to cry. For the first time I think that I made Anna speechless. She then told me how proud she was of me not to give into binging because I sure had enough going on to be binging. I told her that I hated myself for it but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to stop. She assured me that I could and she told me to make sure that I told Kathy about what was going on. She told me that Kathy might be able to help me. It was time for me to go and Anna gave me a big hug and told me that I would be o.k. and that I was a beautiful caring person and that my parents are crazy to have done to me what they did and that they don't deserve to have a child like me. I left and made it to my car without crying and luckily I was able to get to Kathy's without crying.
I have to sit in my car and wait for Kathy for about 30 minutes each week. I called Shannon my nieces partner and told her what happened and we talked and she let me vent. She also suffers with binging but she has gotten hers under control and she talked to me and told me that I could stop. She understood the pain that I was in and that she thought it was awful what O'Mommy and O'Daddy was doing to me. (That is what the grand kids call them). I got off the phone with Shannon and I went up to Kathy's office and waited for her.
I walked into her office and sat down as she pulled my file and pulled up my food records. I told her that before we went over the week that I needed to talk. I told her about what happened and I told her about the binge. I expected anger or disappointment from her and that was not what I expected. She simply asked me what do we do from here? I told her that I wanted to go back and get a new hamburger that I noticed that they had. I told her that I still wanted to binge. She said to me. "Can you go and have the hamburger another time?" I told her yes. "Do you think that today is a good day for that?" and I told her no. she said "I think what we need to do is plan to go and have just the hamburger another day and sit down and really enjoy it. I don't think today that you would enjoy it." I told her probably not but that I didn't know what to do. I told her that I was stuffed from breakfast so do I just wait till I get hungry again before I ate? She said to me "No. I want you to have your lunch at the time you have your lunch, I want you to have your snack at the time you have your snack and I want you to eat your dinner at the time you ate your dinner and I want you to not think about this morning because it is gone and it is over with. Do you think that you can do it?" I told her yes but that I wasn't hungry and I would be forcing lunch down. She said "If you went and got the hamburger and fries wouldn't you be doing the same?" I realized that is exactly what I would be doing. She said the best way to break a binge is to get right back on schedule with your eating. I told her o.k. She told me to be gentle with myself today and to go home and do something special. We the talked about my cross-stitching and how much I had and she told me that her mother was a big cross stitcher and had me beat. Kathy then told me that she cross stitched and that she loved the shop on Louetta and I told her that was where I go and that I knew the owner and we were good friends and that who was doing the retreat that I was going on in March. I told her she ought to get her mom to come down and go on it one year. She told me that would be fun. She then went through my Recovery Records and we talked about my week and all the emotional things that happened and that I should be proud that I fought to binge over all the rough circumstances. She reminded me that our goal every week was to cook 3 times and to eat breakfast and lunch at home. We talked about the times that I back-filled on my log and she told me that she wanted me to try and log just after eating and not go into the record on-line and catch up. I told her that I would. She told me to follow our plan, to get out some stitching and to bring some things that I have stitched next week along with what I work on this week. I told her that I would.
I left there feeling better and was determined to do what she asked me to do. I did go home and ate lunch at the time that I normally did and while I wasn't hungry just eating on time made me feel better. As the day went on as I ate my snack and then ate my dinner the binge of the morning faded away and I learned so much in my session. For the first time I saw first hand and I felt first hand how to gain control back. I felt how good it felt to not punishment myself for my behavior and can see that it only makes the situation worse. I can't describe the successful feelings is brings to your mentally as you advance through doing what you know you need to do. I also saw as time passed the emotions subsided and life went back to normal. Will this ever happen to me again? I absolutely believe that it will. I also believe that I will need someone to help me remember to eat my normal meal at the regular time and continue eating on schedule the rest of the day. I do hope in time that I will on my own know what to do when those emotions take over and cause the tunnel vision that the binge process causes. Do I think that I have more to learn? Absolutely! I see each week why diets don't work for people who have binge disorders. It is freeing to eat what I want in controlled quantity and stay satisfied and fulfilled of my wants, needs and desires. The key is planning, another key is to stop beating yourself up when you do slip up. I'm understanding what Kathy says about "baby steps" and I understand right now why I'm not losing weight like I really want to but I'm starting to see that it won't be too long before it will just start dropping off as I re-learn how to properly eat and live with my eating disorder. I really wish that I had found Kathy long ago. I can see that all the crap that Mike told me to do was the exact opposite of what I'm learning now. I'll be glad when he no longer lives in my head yelling at me when I did have a binge. I remember those hard gruff nasty talks and how my binges lasted for days because I was committed to show him he could not control me. I'm finally finding peace with food.
The story continues....
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