Slept A Bunch!

I had the sleepies today!  I guess from the emotional day yesterday.

I am for sure on a mission to find a Private Chef to come and help with meals around here until I can get a big chunk of this weight gone and can start doing more things around here.  I may even ponder going back to the gym.  Ponder.

I ate better today.  Not mindful but making better choices.  Felt some peace with our decision of hiring someone to help.  I posted on my FB page to see if anyone I knew had ever used one.  I had forgotten a friend of mine's daughter is a Chef and she posted how she could help.  I just cried.  I feel such desperation.  I sent her a personal message and I'm hoping I'll hear back from her soon.

I emailed one late last night but she is booked.  I wrote her back to see if she could recommend someone and she sent me 2 names.  I plan on contacting them.  I emailed another one but I was just outside the area he serviced.  He sent my email to someone who does my area and she wrote me and I wrote her back.  I'm waiting to hear from her again.  So the wheel is turning.  I have written about my thoughts and feelings on my recovery record.  If I find one to hire I will stop seeing Kathy until I can do and be all she thinks I can be.  I swear I want to put that woman in a fat suit and let her live in my body for a week.  I think she would become more understanding!!!!  I plan on telling Dr. Michel about my decision tomorrow.

Mark did go to the store for me today and I do have things to put in the crock pot tomorrow or Tuesday for a new soup.  A Enchilada Soup recipe found on Facebook.  I'm making some changes.  I do have some potatoes to boil and veggies to steam now.  Just have to thaw some chicken or fish and bake it and make it through.  Mark can help.

I hope it doesn't take too long to find some help.

Busy day tomorrow.  Not sure I can do it.  I have no energy.  Get up bathe and wash hair, drive to Woodlands to see Dr. Michel, then go to Dr. Perez for knee injections, then Dr. Crows for lab work and possible iron IV.  Tuesday another Dr. apt about this leg infection.  Thurs will be Anna and possibly Kathy.  Maids come Tuesday.  I'm tired....

Pray for me to make it through....

Feeling very depressed...

Today Mark worked and I felt like crap all day long.

Ernie jumped on one side of my recliner a knocked a empty cup of hot chocolate off along with a empty coke can.  In that scuffle he jumped to the other side and knocked a whole can of Coke Zero to the floor.  Being that I can hardly move I had a very hard time trying to clean it up because I can't breathe when I bend over.  I did the best I could then I was exhausted.

Mark brought double meat and cheese Whataburger's home with fries and I finished the burger and most of the fries.  Needless to say I wasn't "mindful" at all.  Mark went about his day and I did my normal snoozing the day away.

I had a phone session yesterday with Kathy and it wasn't good.  She doesn't get it.  She has no idea what it is like to weigh over 420 and can't do very much in taking care of yourself.  I'm sick of the badgering about eating out versus cooking.  Today I have pondered quitting.  I had it out with Mark tonight and I end the day feeling like no one understands my life.  I don't know what to do.  I know I want to be mindful but I want everyone off my back and give me some help.  I just need help till I can function again.  That is what I need and want right now.  I'm tired.  I also wasn't very mindful tonight.

It will get better.  It has to!  Prayers please!

I Am Still Here...

Believe it or not I come out here to see if anyone even checks on me anymore and I see a few of you faithful followers who still care checking things out.  I love each of you who have done this.

Believe it or not I have hired an awesome Blog designer to change everything up as this is no longer a Weight Loss Journey but a Eating Disorder Recovery Journey.

I'm doing away with Photos, Stats and Recipes.  I'm not saying I will not share but the focus in Recovery is more about life than food.  Life becomes the bigger picture and food becomes very small.  During my time away I have learned a lot.  Food is fuel.  Have I gotten that?  No!  Not totally!  But I am learning.  I've been learning a lot!  Confusing at times, frustrating at times, even finding at times that I want to give up and go back to dieting, yet the realization that diets don't work nor will they ever I have to keep "Trusting The Process" and trusting my team.

This journey so far has changed both Mark and I.  He has become my rock.  He holds me up when I don't feel like I can go the next step.  It has been hard spending the last year weighing over 400 lbs.  I can only dream about the days of being under 300 lbs and what that felt like.  At least this time I know when I get there I will never have to worry about going back up.  Mark is grasping "Mindfulness" in his own life and talks about how good it feels.  Oh what we have done to our bodies.

I'm still dealing with a low Ferratin level.  We decided to pay for the treatments out of pocket but after the 2nd infusion I experienced some bad side effects one being chest pains that I chose to stop treatment and they did clear up.  Tummy issues as well.  I see the Dr. next Friday and I want to see where that level is before I make the decision to continue.  During the holidays I have had a flare up with Cellulitius in my leg and I'm still taking antibiotics and trying to avoid my Infectious Disease Dr. and they are getting better slowly.  The holidays were very hard on me trying to do too much.  I can say that I'm sick of hearing...what are we going to eat, when are going to eat, where's this, where's that and food, food, food!  I just want a vacation away from FOOD!!!

I am coming back to share the journey on a personal level and not so much as what my team is doing but I'm sure that will make it's way here some.  It will be more about my feelings and daily doings of getting in the recovery mode and staying there.  The 27 days I made it was bliss.  90 Days and they say I will be in RECOVERY!  I want it!

I will start writing about my day from sun up till bedtime and I will publish it.  Daily.  Yes...Daily!

Starting in the morning...