The Big Catch-Up!!!

I'm so far behind but I do know all that I need to share.  Just know that the days that I don't write about were days that emotionally I was drained yet I did not binge and I controlled my eating.  I may have had to sit on my hands and wear myself out because I wanted to binge, I simply did not.  So now let's go back to Saturday over a week ago and let me share about the big things that happened.

Last Saturday was a normal day with the exception that Mark's dealership moved.  He had to go up to the office to make sure some cars delivered and to find out what was the game plan for meeting on Sunday to get settled in the new Body Shop.   He wasn't suppose to be long and then the plan was to go out and have pizza since Kathy had mentioned that she was waiting for us to go out and have pizza!  LOL!  It got to be around 1:00 the normal time I eat lunch and I hadn't heard from him.  I decided to "get a few chips" and grabbed the bag and I really thought I could eat a few out of the bag to tie me over for pizza.  I had every intention to record what I was doing on my Recovery Record App.  As soon as I sat down Marked called and he told me that he thought he would be heading this way in about 30-40 minutes.  I was munching on my chips and got frustrated because this was suppose to be quick stop by the office.  While we were talking I was cramming potato chips in my mouth not realizing what I was doing.  Totally forgot about "the few" that I was going to eat.  This was the first time that I realized what mindless eating is all about.  By the time we got off the phone the chip bag was crumbs.  Let me say this though, the bag was a small bag.  It was "Zapp's" and if you get them in your area then you know hat I'm talking about.  It was only about 1/4 full when I started.  I ended up telling Mark tat we would have to put off eating pizza because I was hungry and I was going to go ahead a eat.  I decided that even though I had eaten more than a handful of chips i would make my sandwich and call it a meal.  I did record every bit of it and recorded my feelings.  I for the first time did not beat myself up for it.  I call this progress.

Mark eventually got home from the office and just normal things happened during the afternoon and then it was getting time for dinner and I really did need to go to the store so I suggested that we go ahead and go and have pizza.  We talked about it and I told him that we needed to get a side salad and we had to limit ourselves to 1 medium pizza.  Mark agreed with me so off we went.  We got to our favorite pizza place and ordered our salad, drinks and pizza and sat down.  We just talked and realized that our salad was coming so Mark went and checked on it.  They brought them to us and we were enjoying them and just before we were finished our pizza came.  I love hot fresh pizza.  I stopped eating my last few bites of salad and I got my piece of pizza and fixed it like I love it with garlic powder, crushed red pepper and Parmesan cheese and I bit into it and ah, it was so good.  After that first piece I finished my salad and then I got my 2nd piece and fixed it and when I bit into it I noticed that it was not as hot and really just pretty warm.  I thought as I was eating that piece that it wasn't tasting as good as that first hot piece did and I told myself that the 3rd piece was going to be lukewarm at best.  I then asked myself.  Are you really hungry for that third piece?  And surprisingly my mind went "No, not really."  "I'm really not hungry anymore, I feel comfortable."  I also noticed that I felt like I do in between my meals.  I took my napkin out of my lap and wiped my hands and face and told Mark "You are not going to believe this but I'm done I don't want anymore."  He cut me a look as he had started chowing down on his third piece.  I told him my thought process and I told him that I was just finished.  He stopped and put his third piece that he had taken a couple of bites out of and put it back on his plate and told me "You know, you're right, I think that I am done too!"  I was shocked, yet I was so happy because we had never ever just eaten a half of a medium pizza and stopped.  Mark went and got a box to take home the left overs and we left and went to the store on the way home.  Later we were able to enjoy our bedtime snack.  I was on cloud nine for seeing that I was actually satisfied with two pieces of pizza and a side salad.

Sunday started as a normal day as well, but Mark had to go up to the office and spend some time putting his desk together so that he would be ready for work the next day.  What he thought would be just a couple of hours ended up being more like 6.  I ended up eating lunch by myself and that was o.k. but I was concerned about how long it was taking him.  It shouldn't take that long to unpack a couple of boxes and set up a empty desk.  I called him to check on him and he just told me that it was taking more time that he thought but that he would tell me more about it when he got home.

He finally made it home, starving and found his wife dozed off in her chair, so he made him something to eat and when he sat down next to me I woke up.  He told me that the owner's wife was making it difficult to get settled.  She would walk by and remind him that he couldn't have his stack of In/Out boxes and she didn't like where his computer was, that she wanted it on the "L return".  Mind you Mark is 6'4" and has such huge hands that he can't type like a normal person on a typewriter.  He types with two fingers and he is pretty fast a it I might say.  But you know how the side part of a desk is usually lower than the top of the desk he needed his computer to be higher and not lower but he moved it as he didn't want to make a scene.  He wasn't finished with his desk when he left but he was set up enough to be able to work the next day and finish up getting the rest of his stuff put away.  He left the stack of In/Out boxes and a few other things but he felt like his desk was neat and ready to go.  He was excited about having his own space and not having to share a open area with 3 other guys.  He really did like the new shop.  We finished our day with no unusual things happening.

I'm ending this post here.  I will be back in a little bit to continue to catch you up so keep checking back.  My goal is to be caught back up today Monday, February 4th. I promise there is lot more to tell...it gets better!!!

Here Is Wednesday, Thursday and Friday!

I'm sorry that I fell behind again.  Wednesday I just didn't feel good.  I didn't go to the gym, in fact I slept most of the day.  I was concerned rather or not I would be able to keep my appointments with Anna and Kathy on Thursday.  Mark and I even had soup for the third night in a row.  I really think that I have been dealing with fluid on my ear.  It has gotten better.

On Thursday even though I felt better there was a part of me that didn't want to drive to The Woodlands.  I didn't, but I have to share this with you, my knees are really giving me fits.  I didn't think that I was going to make it up there because of the pain.  Of course I was flying down the freeway at 65 mph when I felt like my right leg was just going to give out.  I managed to make it to Anna's office and I was a few minutes early so I was able to get out of the car and stretch my legs a bit.

My session with Anna was more about my parents and how I'm feeling about it all  I think that I shared that I have moved to the anger stage of what they have done to me or maybe it is the reality of seeing that my relationship with them has been forever changed.  I don't think that I will ever be able to talk to them like I have in the past, for fear of them throwing me out of their lives again.  Of course this is IF they ever contact me again.  Everyone says that they will but I'm not holding out hope.  I have literally lost all respect for them.  I thought my parents were the greatest people in the world and my view of them has changed.  What parent can tell a child that they don't want to talk to them until they heal?  I for sure couldn't!!!

The other thing that Anna and I talked about was my lunch date today.  I was meeting Karen's daughter-in-law Lluvia to get a Humpty Dumpty that Karen crocheted for Patrick.  I decided to meet her for mexcian food because I was confident that she knew where the place was.  Then I freaked out and immediately started beating myself up over it.  Telling myself that I was a failure, asking myself why do I always do this, saying you do so well then you screw up, you know, all these things we say to ourselves when we screw up.  On the way to Anna's I started trying to put some thought to what I was going to do.  I decided that I really wanted queso with taco meat in it and some guacamole.  Is that healthy?  Not really but it was what I was wanting.  I told Anna about it and she thought it was a o.k. choice.  We also talked about my negative thoughts and a lot of things that I was thinking was also the things that Mike use to yell and scream at me when I did eat mexican food.  Oh how I use to dread him coming down on me.  Kathy wanted me to talk to Anna about it and Anna asked me to remind her what my box looked like when we did our MDR therapy.  I told her it was concrete with a metal lid on it.  She asked me if I had ever put Mike in the box and I told her yes but that I keep taking him back out.  Well our time was about over and there wasn't any further discussion on it.  I knew that I still had Kathy to see and we would further talk about these dreaded lunch plans that I had.  Anna told me that I would do good.  I told her I hope so and I left.

I got to Kathy's and I sat in my car for a bit and thought some more about lunch.  I thought about the fact that I had just had queso twice last week.  I asked myself did I really need it again.  My first thought was yes because last week I didn't have the taco meat in it.  I could see just ridiculous my mind was being.  Boy was the disease talking to me!  I told myself that I could have queso that way at another time.  I told myself that I really needed to have something healthy.  I thought about chicken fajitas and I thought that was too much.  I then thought about a lunch special that had a cheese enchilada, taco and guacamole.  I didn't really want a cheese enchilada.  I then thought about a chicken taco and then I realized that I had better get up to her office or I was going to be late.

Kathy came and got me and we went into her office and she pulled up my records as I wrote her a check for my visit.  I then asked her before we get started can we talk about something.  I told her what was going on and my events of the morning and thoughts about lunch and all the things that went through my mind that I just shared with you.  She stopped me and asked me if I ever watched the show "House Hunters"?  I told her yes.  She said "the couple looking has to choose over just 3 houses that they have seen.  She said usually there is something that they like that is the same for all 3 houses.  You said first was queso with taco meat and guacamole, then you said a lunch special of a cheese enchilada, taco and guacamole but you really didn't want a enchilada, then you thought that maybe a taco would be o.k.  We see a common thing between all three choices.  I think that today you need to have guacamole because it keeps coming up.  OK, so we are going to have guacamole and you said that a chicken taco might be good.  How many tacos do you want?"  I said to her my first impulse is to have 2 but thinking about all of this, normally for lunch I have a sandwich and chips and I a totally satisfied.  So I think that one taco with a small guacamole is what I will get and that should do it.  She agreed but then also told me if I got over there and 2 tacos came up that 2 would be fine based on my calorie needs.  I felt better.

We started talking about my week, the soup that I made and the fact that we had it 3 times.  I told her what happened and that it kept us from eating out.  She told me she was o.k. with it as long as it is what I really wanted to do and I told her it was.  I also told her that we loved the soup and it had been so long since we have had it that we enjoyed every meal of it.  Then sh said to me.  Let's talk about the tacos at Jack In The Box on Friday, what was going on here?  I told her we were out of bread and that our plan was to do something out for lunch.  I told her that I love Jack In The Box tacos and that was what I wanted.  Then she asked me "Why 6?"  I told her that I had thought about it and I knew that there wasn't much to them and I thought that 6 would be o.k.  Then she tells me I notice here on your notes that you say "I'm so bad, I don't know why I keep doing this,  I need help" and I had totally forgotten that I even wrote that on my Recovery Record.  I told her that was one thing that I love about the App is that you could jot down your feelings  I told her that I had forgotten that I even wrote about it.  She then said to me, you went through the drive-thru didn't you and I told her yes because I brought them home.  She then said to me, number one you did not need 6 tacos and when you go through a drive-thru there are cars behind you and you get in a hurry and you just order and you don't think, right?  I nodded my head.  She continued, if you had parked your car, gone inside and took a step back from ordering and really looked at the menu do you think that you would have ordered 6? or would you had noticed that there were some healthy options on the menu such as a side salad?  I agreed with her.  She continued, don't you think that 3 tacos and a side salad would have been a better choice than 6 tacos?  and I agreed and went on to say why can't I think about that kind of stuff?  She says to me, don't get me wrong Laura, you are making tremendous strides and you are doing very well.  You seem to have the most problems with fast food and restaurants.  She went on to tell me that I needed to work on restaurants and fast food places.  She told me that she did not want me to go thru a drive-thru unless I was just getting a diet coke.

We wrapped up our session and I left to go meet Lluvia at Mario's.  I got there before her by about 20 minutes.  I went inside to wait and of course they asked me what I wanted to drink and I told them a diet coke and they brought the chips and hot sauce.  I decided not to have any chips till she got there.  It was weird.  It came natural and I was perfectly o.k. with doing so.  When she got there we looked over the menu and I didn't see what I wanted on the a la cart section of the menu. So after Lluvia ordered I told the waiter what I wanted and it was not a problem.  He even asked me if I wanted my chicken taco crispy or soft and if I wanted lettuce and tomato and I asked him to put a little cheese on it.  We visited and I ate a few chips and our dinner's arrived.  They put down Lluvia's plate of food and boy I was worried about my decision.  they sat down my taco and guacamole and I thought to myself, this is a joke, this is not going to satisfy me.  Well, I made the decision that was what I ordered and I would eat it and enjoy it and if I was still hungry I would ask for another taco.  Low and behold when I got through, I was satisfied.  I wasn't full but I wasn't hungry.  I stopped and we visited for another hour or so.  Still no hunger.  I drove home which was about 50 minute and still no hunger.  I came in and got on the computer and caught up on emails and fed the cats and I was feeling empty then so I fixed me a snack and everything was perfect.  I was so proud of myself I could have popped!  I could see plainly that our eyes lie to us about how much food we really need!  We don't need to be afraid to listen to it and follow what it is telling us.  I have a big trust issue.  I guess this eating disorder is a blessing in disguise as I am going to have to trust and listen to my body and deal with this wild mind.  Baby steps.....

Friday was really an uneventful day.  I ate well, I was amazed and still moved about yesterday.  I didn't go back to the gym.  I'm going to get back on Monday but I talked to both Anna and Kathy about the gym and my concern about what is going on with my knees.  I feel like Larissa is killing my knees with the leg machines and the weighted balls and squats.  I am going to tell her that we are going to have to find a way to exercise my legs without bending my knees until the weight comes down a whole lot more.  I also talked to Kathy about quitting the gym after I'm finished with the sessions that I have paid for.  I can't continue to afford $1,7500 for Larissa every 10 weeks, $320 a month for Kathy and Anna $120, plus $25 a month for the gym membership.  I feel like my focus right now needs to be progressing  even further with Kathy and Anna and just go back to dancing with my Wii and/or going to Zumba where I can control what I'm doing but burn some good calories.  Kathy totally agreed on me ditching the gym and going back to Zumba.  She said that dancing would be good for me and it would get me out of the house and around people.   Humm...I wonder how she has figured out that I stay at home a lot?

I did go and get a Keratin treatment for my hair and Mark and I just watched TV and went to bed early a he had to go into the office on Saturday because the dealership is moving this weekend.  It should be a wild weekend.

Come back tomorrow as I finish catching you up and I have another great progress to share with you.  I'm sharing before Kathy even hears about it.  It is so cool!

Not Feeling Well!

I'm not sure what is going on but my energy level just went out the door.  Maybe I'm trying to do too much but I just don't think so because I feel fine as I move doing little things around the house.  Today I had a spell of dizziness which surprised me because I have been feeling pretty good.  I have noticed that my ears feel plugged and at times I feel in a tunnel and have to blow them open so maybe with all the illness I've had I have fluid on the ear, but I didn't when I was in to see the Dr. The only other thing that I thought about was the fact that I have gotten more consistent taking my fluid pill.  I have totally stopped taking any Lasix and only taking Dyazide which I have taken for years and years.  If it continues or gets worse I will go in and talk to the Dr. about it.

Today because I felt so bad I didn't do too much.  I made some phone calls and that sort of thing but otherwise just ate on schedule and ate good food.  Were you all surprised at my weight loss?  I was and I'm really happy about it.  We will see where I'm at in a few weeks.  I've decided that I'm not going to take pictures every 10 pounds like I did last time.  There were times that you really couldn't tell what I loss.  At least at this size!  I may change my mind as I get closer to goal.

I didn't cook dinner tonight as planned because of the way that I felt.  We just had left over soup with crusty bread and we watched some TV and went to bed.  Boring day huh?

I can say that I am doing all that Kathy wants me to do, asking myself questions.  Really eating foods that I want and craving.  I have been craving the soup and the things that I've made.  Since I have 2 cookies every night as my bedtime snack my sweet tooth is being satisfied.  I'm starting to want some of the casseroles that we had before I did Weight Watchers so I believe that next week I'm going to cook one of them.  Now to listen to my body as to which one it is really wanting.  My chicken and rice made with Lipton's onion soup seems to be calling my name the most, but we will see what's going on with my taste next week.  I'm also wanting a good meatloaf.  Speaking of which, I haven't posted the recipes that I promised because I'm trying to figure out how to do it so that you don't have to scroll through the whole recipe section.  I may need to talk to some of my Blogger friends and see if they can help me.  I'll get it done, I promise!

I'm closing with this sentiment...

"Never give up on something you really want.  It's difficult to wait, but more difficult to regret."

Sat...Sun...Mon...Gotta Get Back On Track!

I'm so sorry!  I have been distracted!  I have gotten addicted to a game on Facebook and I've also been trying to work on my "To Do" list and that is where my priorities have been...confession over!  At least I can be honest...Right?

You really haven't missed too much but I will fill you in anyway because I have been doing good except for the game distraction.  Saturday I pretty much sat around watched TV and played the game and let Mark wait on me.  I love when he does this.  Saturday night we were invited to our neighbor's house for dinner with the Realtor who sold him the house (who I met and helped a lot opening his gate and such) and his wife.  They are all lovely people.  Sri and Srijha are from India and are the sweetest couple you have ever met.  They are newlyweds, in their first home and they are always doing kind things for us.  After the last neighbor and some of you remember "Jerry Springer Girl" we are so happy to have such nice neighbors.  Sri is the cook right now and is also a Engineer and his bride Srijha who is already a Doctor in India is studying to pass the required exams to become a Dr. in the States.  Sri made us home made hummus which was the best that I ever tasted and served it with pita chips and strawberries and kiwi.  For dinner he made Lamb Curry, a seasoned rice with a yogurt sauce that was to die for and Butter Chicken.  He also served a Indian Bread that wasn't Naan but another flat bread that looked like whole wheat tortillas but man it was tons better than that!  I made a dump cake and brought ice cream to go with it.  We all had a good time.  I did well with my eating during the day and at dinner I just took the portions that I needed to be satisfied.  Even for dessert I had one large spoonful of dump cake with 1 scoop of ice cream and I left the dessert there!  Sweet!!!

On Sunday I pretty much did the same thing all day and I did manage my eating well.  In the early evening I washed up some dishes, loaded the dishwasher and then I made Pecan Crusted Fish.  I will post the recipe.  I forgot to take a picture for you to see and I promise I will the next time I make it, which will be very soon, because it was so good!  I also made some roasted green beans and I put a brown butter balsamic sauce over it.  I also boiled us some new potatoes.  It was good.  So Sunday was day one of my cooking goal for the week.  By the time I go and see Kathy I will have cooked 4 times this week.  Go me!

Monday, I finally got on the scale and you will need to go look at my Stats to see how I have been doing.  I was real surprised!  I think that I like this weighing ever so often and not being so focused on the scale but more on learning to live with this eating disorder.  I am so proud of myself with the way that I have been eating over the last 3 days.  In fact so much so I want it to continue.  I do have to say though that it is extremely hard for me to stand on my feet to do it all. My back is giving me fits as well and I know that is because of my big butt pulling on it.  My knees still hurt but I keep telling myself that with each pound lost, eventually the pain will leave and it will just be a routine for me.  Today I also cleaned up the kitchen, washed and dried 3 loads of clothes which I still have to fold.  I also cooked dinner.  Tonight I made Hamburger Soup which doesn't really have a recipe, but I will post and tell you what I did.  We will get several meals out of it.  We had Italian rolls to go with it.  We also watched The Biggest Loser, but Mark got home in the middle of it, so I was glad that I recorded it because we will have to re-watch it before next week.  We watched a little more on TV and then went to bed.

Want to know what I'm cooking tomorrow night?  Stay tuned...I promise I will take a picture of it!

Wed, Thurs, Fri, How do I do this????

I hate my Remicade treatments!  They just zonk me out for days!  I get behind on everything!  Now to give y'all a brief synopsis on Wednesday and Friday and my full Thursday because I saw Anna and Kathy!

On Wednesday, I did manage to make it to the gym and worked out with Larissa.  At least she went easy on me but I was worn out.  The bad news is I have lost strength.  Other than that I pretty much slept most of the day but I did eat good till dinner when I blew it again on queso, enchiladas, beans and rice, chips ad salsa.  Mark's job has gone crazy and he had to work late but didn't call me till late and I didn't cook dinner.  I was angry so when he called I told him to go and get my favorite enchilada meal from one of our favorite restaurants.  I also told him to get a small queso.  He did do the right thing by asking me if I was sure this was what I wanted to do.  In fact he asked me twice.  He also asked me if I was going to tell the Dr. and I told him yes but knowing that I had already had enchiladas on Sunday I thought about lying about it.  I didn't though because I know deep down inside that I need help and lying is not going to do any good.  I ate my enchiladas and we both ate on the queso and didn't finish it.  It was a small one too.  I did record what I ate and I also recorded my emotions.  I still had my cookies before bedtime and that was the end of Wednesday.  I also had started beating myself up as a failure on Sunday and I added this to it.

Thursday, I got up, got Mark off to work and I got dressed and went to see Anna.  Right now my sessions with her is all about my parents and what they have done to me.  I've moved from devastation to anger and I'm sure that is fueling my eating to go a bit haywire.  She let me vent this session and she offered to do some MDR and I told her that I didn't want to do it this week.  She pretty much just let me get things off my chest that I let stew in me over the last week.  After my session I headed over to Kathy's and I was dreading my session with her because I fully expected her to get after me for eating Mexican food twice.

When I got into her office she was having computer problems and couldn't pull up my food records.  We tried using my phone and she couldn't log in so she ended up using her own cell phone to look over my food records.  Remember I told you that I recorded my thoughts and feelings about eating the Mexican food.  She was happy that I actually made the Chicken Pot Pie Soup and the other meals that I made.  When she got to Sunday she paused and looked at me and told me that eating enchiladas and queso wasn't a bad thing.  She told me to quit beating myself up over it.  I tried telling her that in the past with Mike that he would chew me out for doing it and I learned to beat myself up over it to avoid having to tell him about it.  She told me that I needed to forget all that Mike did to me and that I needed to talk to my therapist about it and it was something that we needed to work on in therapy. She told me that I needed to break that cycle and forget the diets of the past, that I was done with dieting.  She went on to tell me that I didn't meet my goal of cooking 3 times even though we did have the soup as left overs which she thought was good.  She told me that even having Mexican food twice in a week wasn't a bad thing.  She acknowledged that I had a lot of things going on with my parents and I told her about my session with Anna and Kathy told me that she felt like that underlying anger was fueling me and it was something that I needed to be careful with and I needed to work on that with Anna as well.  She then questioned me about the queso.  She asked me if I liked it piping hot when they bring it to the table at a restaurant.  She asked me if that was when it was the most satisfying to me.  I told her yes that was the way that I loved it.  She then said to me, I bet it wasn't piping hot by the time Mark got home from the restaurant."  I told her that it was just warm.  She told me that maybe the thing to do is to allow queso as a treat when we go to the restaurant and enjoy the treat.  I told her she was right and that I would do that.

I did tell her about on Sunday Mark asked me the fatal question "Are you sure you don't want anything else?" and I told her that was when I added the queso.  She told me that we were really going to have to get him for doing it and that I needed to have another talk with him about asking me those kinds of questions.  I then told her what he said to me Wednesday night how he questioned me if this was something that I really wanted to do.  How he asked me if I was going to tell the Dr. what I did.  (Mark knows me pretty good because I got to the point that I wouldn't tell Mike when we went out for mexican food) I admitted to Kathy that I thought about lying in my food journal but I realized that was not going to do me any good.  That I needed to be truthful because I need the help and I want to get over this disease or to manage it or learn to live with it, whatever we were working on.  She told me not to ever lie to her about what I eat.  She told me that she would never get mad or upset at what I do but that we would work on it.  She told me that this was all about baby steps and I could see that.  Just like stop ordering the queso to have at home and only allowing it at a restaurant and enjoying it while it was piping hot.

Kathy then ended our session saying that we had the same goals this week.  For me to cook 3 times this week and she asked me did I have anything in mind.  I told her that I wanted to make easy fish dish that we use to love that was called Pecan Crusted Fish and she thought that it sounded great and I told her that I wanted to make Sauteed Chicken Breasts in Balsamic pan sauce that was another easy dish.  I also told her that I wanted to make another soup this week that I really enjoyed having soup instead of chips this past week.  She asked me if I wanted to make a potato soup or something like a stew and I told her that I was hungry for a soup that my Mom use to make called Hamburger Soup.  She encouraged me to go on-line and look for a recipe and she thought that it sounded good.  I also asked her if she thought the pork that I thawed and put in the refrigerator would be any good and she told me that sine I thawed it in the microwave that I should pitch it.  I told her that I wanted to do something with pork this week  She told me to keep asking myself the questions and make sure that I got my afternoon snack in because I struggled so much at night this week.  There were some days that I ate the snack and others that I blew it off.  She told me that snack was important and that I shouldn't miss it.  I told her that I would get it in.  She told me that I was doing good eating breakfast at home and eating my lunches at home and she would like to see that continue.  She reminded me that we were taking baby steps.  She also told me to think about our little goal of being able to go on my stitching retreat in March and to be able to take care of my personal hygiene without any help.  I'm worried sick over it.  She told me that we needed to work on less restaurants and that she felt that goal would be reached and she also felt that the weight would start coming off.  She check and she did have me in her calendar for next week at the same time and that was it.

When I got home I immediately ate lunch and changed my clothes as I was very sleepy  I ended up moving my hair appointment to Friday because I felt like I needed to sleep and I did.  I was still feeling pretty drugged.  I wish that they didn't have to give me Zyrtec before Remicade.  Antihistamine just wreaks havoc with my body for days, even the non-drowsy ones.  I pretty much slept the afternoon away and Mark had to work late again so dinner was Luby's.  We both fell asleep watching TV and when we woke up we just turned everything of and went to bed.

Friday, Mark let me sleep in because we forgot to go to the store to get lunch stuff.  I slept right up to the time that I was suppose to go and meet with Larissa.  I ended up just calling her and canceling as I didn't really feel like working out.  My knees have been killing me.  Someway, somehow I've got to get her to understand that squats kills my knees.  I can really tell that the weight is starting to ruin my knees as I am getting knee pain when I drive across town.  I really need to get in and have Mark's knee surgeon evaluate them to make sure that there isn't anything that I could do to help them along while I work on losing this weight.  Even sitting with my knees bent they start to hurt.  Get me away from the gym and they stop bothering me as much.  In the afternoon I had a hair appointment to get my hair colored and cut  Boy did she cut my hair!  It is a bit too short and I know that I will get use to it.  I like it short anyway.  I'm quickly losing my blond hair as we keep putting in more low lights.  I'll have to take a picture so you all can see.  I really want to go back to my natural color with a few highlights and I think that we are just about there.  The color is looking good and I'm getting a lot of complements about it.

I did not eat well for lunch Friday nor did I for dinner.  I could have made better choice but I just didn't.  I wanted Jack In The Box Tacos so that is what I ate for lunch and Mark didn't get home till 8:00 so we had Chick-Fil-A with waffle fries and I had a chocolate chip cookie as my bed-time snack.  I did record them in my food record and that is what I truly wanted.  I realize that it wasn't what I needed but it is what it is and I'm ready for whatever Kathy says next week.  Pretty much the evening was spent playing mindless games on the computer and watching TV, fully knowing that I was behind on this blog but I was determined to get up Saturday morning and get it done.  I did start this Saturday morning and I did work on it some on Saturday but I just couldn't get into writing it because I knew it was going to be long.  So...tune in Monday morning to to see what happened on my Saturday and Sunday.  Thanks for being patient with me and for taking the time to read such a long post.

Till tomorrow....

Bert Is Home!!!!

Our little Bertie got to come home this afternoon!  We don't have any results yet but they finally got some urine off of the little booger so we can check him out.  He is curled up next to me right now.  I love it!  I missed him so much. 

My morning was spent on the computer and waiting for the vet to call so that I could pick him up.  I did have a good breakfast of a toasted english muffin with some peanut butter.  I was going to have a banana with it but after the muffin I was satisfied so I saved the banana just in case I needed a morning snack.  I didn't.  I had my Remicade today so by the time I ended up having to call the vet, Bert still hadn't used his box so I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go and get him.  They also scared me to death about Bert telling me that he may be blocked.  I know that is very serious because I had a male cat in the past that had that issue and it was bad!  And expensive!  I didn't want that for Bert.  It ended up he was just stressed out.  Mark ended up using his lunch hour to go get him and bring him home.  I wanted him out of there as soon as he was able to leave.  It seems like every time I have to take him in he gets so stressed he gets a upper respiratory infection.  This time they gave him a shot of antibiotics that will last for 14 days so we are covered.

I made me a roast beef, nitrate free, sandwich with some BBQ chips for lunch and took it with me for my treatment.  Once they got me set up I enjoyed my lunch (I was hungry) and then I messed around with my iPad until I got sleepy.  They had to wake me to go home at 4:30.  I didn't get home till after 6:00 because the traffic was so bad.  I hate late appointments on that side of town.

When got home I was greeted at the door with my little Bert and the other two.  They were ready for their dinner so I fed them and then I went in and put my feet up and fell asleep again.  Mark woke me up calling and he asked me what was for dinner.  I told him that I had the pork chops if he wanted to help me cook.  I feel like crap after my Remicade for a couple of days.  I then decided that I just didn't feel like doing it so he went to Carl's BBQ and brought home a cheese burger with some fries.  Not too bad.  I ended up crashing in my chair and so did Mark.  We both woke up around 9:00 and Mark went out and mailed our yearly Maintenance Fees and I fell back asleep.  He woke me up around 10:30 to go to bed.  Boring day huh?

Well tomorrow I have a training session with Larissa at 10:00 and I am going to make myself go.  I am also going to get some things done around the house.  That made me feel good.  I will cook Pork chops for dinner and we'll see what all I accomplish.

Wish me luck!

Boy Did I Drop The Ball...

Sunday just wasn't a good day.  Let me say though I learned a lot.  I learned that I really can make some good excuses and actually can convince myself to believe them.  Pretty much all day long I didn't feel the greatest.  I keep messing around with my fluid pills mainly because I can hardly leave the house when I take them so I'm having a hard time figuring out when to take them with me seeing Larissa, my trainer, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at noon and Anna and Kathy on Thursday starting at 10:00 in the morning, well actually I leave the house at 9:00 and I don't get back home till around 1:30.  The Dr.'s have told me that I can take what I need when I need it but I know that I need something on a daily basis.  So when I don't take them that many days out of the week then Friday afternoon, Saturday and Sunday I take pretty high dosages and today I think that I took too much because I felt like crap and the only thing that I accomplished was washing some dishes and loading the dishwasher.  I did take some pork chops out for dinner and defrosted them in the microwave.

When I was headed back to the media room I noticed that our cat Bert was squatting on our oriental runner in our entry and he was peeing on it.  We have noticed in the last week that one of the cats had poo'd on it, so we caught the culprit.  Bert had never peed on anything and their box was clean.  I looked on the web and everything pointed to him having to go to the vet on Monday.  We got the rug out of the house and frankly we both have decided that we really like the entry without it.  It looks bigger.  So I don't know if we will get it professionally clean or not at this point.

Anyway I found Mark asleep in his chair and I tried waking him up and asked him about dinner and he told me that he wanted to sleep.  I thought o.k. I'll ask you at 7:00 about dinner and I let him sleep.  I got so involved with the dang computer it was 7:30 before I knew it.  I woke him up and asked him about dinner and he asked me what I wanted.  I told him that it was too late for me to cook and why didn't he just go get us a hamburger at Sonic.  He told me that he would go and get me one but he wasn't that hungry.  I questioned him about eating and he said that he would get something.  I know him and he says that and he goes and gets me something and then he doesn't eat.  So I asked myself if that was what I really wanted and the answer was no.  I have been craving cheese enchiladas and there is a small Mexican restaurant just outside our subdivision that we have never tried but it was close and it was cold and drippy outside.  When Mark got dressed I told him that I would really like some cheese enchiladas and would he go to that Mexican place.  He told me he would and then he asked me the fatal question that he is not suppose to ask me "Do you want anything else?" and I said yes get me a small queso.  I knew that I didn't need it, I knew that I wasn't really hungry for it but it was something that we always do when we eat Mexican food.  He left and then the guilt hit me and I realized that asking for the queso was mindless eating!  Did that stop me from eating it?  No.  I had 3 cheese enchiladas, the chips and queso and the beans and some of the rice.  I finished it off with two Keebler cinnamon cookies which I know that I wasn't hungry for.  I had fallen back into old behavior.  I just hated myself.  We watched some TV and I just wasn't in the mood to write the blog so we went to bed.

I got up in the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep so I came in the media room and eventually I feel back to sleep.  Mark ended up not waking me up to make his lunch and I woke up with him messing around in the garage.  I thought we had been broken into and I heard the door open and it was him all dressed and ready to go to work.  He thought I had a bad night so he wanted to let me sleep. After he left I showered and dressed and waited for the vet to open so that I could call and get Bert in.

They ended up telling me that they had no openings but I could bring him in and I could leave him and they would see him between patients.  I asked them if I could bring them in around 9:30 and they said that would be fine.  I procrastinated about eating breakfast as I started playing stupid mind games with myself.  You all know how it goes..."Well I blew it last night so I might as well have something good this morning.  I think that I drop Bert off at the vet's I will just swing into Jack In The Box on the way home!  Well dang it that is exactly what I allowed myself to do.  I took Bert to the vet and made a b-line to old Jack's!  I pulled up to the drive thru and I debated about what to get. I love their sausage croissants but I told myself that I wouldn't have them because I was bad last night so I just ordered the supreme croissant combo with a medium diet coke.  Then the dude at the window asked me if that completed my order and out of my mouth goes "Add a sausage croissant"  he said do you want just the sandwich or the combo and I said just the sandwich and I pulled up behind the car ahead of me and I could have killed myself.  Why O Why do we do this stuff?  It is clearly beyond me and I will talk to Anna and Kathy about it on Thursday, trust me.  I got my order and I headed home and yes I ate all of it and yes I was very full.  Then I go and justify it by telling myself that I would lie on my journal for breakfast and lunch and I would just skip lunch.  How sick is that?  Pretty darn sick.  I'm sharing this all with you because I want to get past making these stupid mistakes and stop this crazy thinking that goes on in my head.  I will get to the bottom of this.  I want to be free from this stuff and I want to lose this weight.  This binge eating is a horrible disease!

I ended up not eating lunch because I had justified getting over breakfast in my head. Also I just wasn't hungry.  I also decided that I just didn't want to go and work out with Larissa so I cancelled her as well.  Now I haven't worked out since before Christmas!  Part of it has been because of me being sick but there is no reason for me not to be back to the gym  I just can't get my acct together in that department.  I guess I have been away too long.  This has to stop too!

Well, this afternoon I called my friend Penny who is just like a big sister to me.  Our parents have known each other since Jr. High so you can imagine how close our families are.  Anyway, I told her about the mess going on with my parents and she was shocked.  She agreed with me that this is my mother's doing and we talked a good long while about it.  I then told her about Kathy and what I was doing and she was so happy that I had given up dieting.  She too believes that diets causes more problems than anything because limiting yourself so strictly just causes you to eat once you lose the weight.  She was so happy about me seeing Kathy.  While I was telling her about Kathy I used the situation last night as an example of how Kathy would use her questions.  I could see if I could have stopped the mind process and done that, that I would have not done what I did.  I'm still going to to talk to her about all of this and see just how right I am. 

By the time Penny and I finished talking I was hungry.  It was around 4:00 by this time and I hit the potato chips in the pantry.  I didn't eat very many but I did eat about the same out of both bags.  I thought to myself.  "Let this be a lesson Laura that you simply can't justify what you do by missing a meal."  I know that right thing to have done was to have eaten lunch and just moved passed what I had done and learn from it.  So my next question is "Why do we do such crazy stupid things?"  You know we all do it and it is exactly what gets us into trouble and it starts the binging process.  Luckily I drew the line in the sand and said "enough of the crap Laura, it is time to just do what you know you need to do", so for dinner I had left over Chicken Pot Pie soup and 2 french rolls and it was good and satisfying.  For a bedtime snack I had my 2 Keebler Pecan Sandies cookies.

So I'm back on track.  Tomorrow is going to be a good day.  By the way, my little Bert had to stay over night at the Vet.  The booger would not pee for them.  I hated it and I miss him terribly.  Hopefully they will call me early in the morning and let me bring that baby home.  I have to have him no later than 11:00.  I have my Remicade appointment at 1:00.

My Get Up and Go...

Got up and went!

I didn't get as much done today but I must be happy with what I did get done!  I did get Mark off to work as this was his turn to work on Saturday and I showered and dressed and drank some coffee and watched "Buy and Sell" on HGTV and then I fixed some breakfast.  I have to tell you about a new product that I tried.  It was McCain's Irish Oatmeal that is Instant!  You know what a pain in the rear it is to cook Steel Cut Oats, well these were so easy and so good and they taste just like you made them the long way!  You have to try them if you love steel cut oats.  I got a load of laundry going and I loaded the dishwasher and got it going.  Then I rested.  I folded some towel and put them away and then washed the pot and pans from dinner last night and I wasn't feel too good.  I decided to take a nap and I woke up around 2:00.  I still wasn't feeling good so I made myself a Chipolte Chicken Breast Sandwich with some jalapeno chips and a Coke Zero and that helped a little.  I got the laundry switched over to the dryer and by that time the dishwasher had stopped and I emptied the dishes that hod onto water and quickly shut the dishwasher back so that they would dry.

I did get the recipe up so make sure you go and check it out.  It was really good and I highly recommend it.  I realized as I was posting the recipe that I am going to have to figure out how to get these recipes on individual pages and how to create categories to link them to like I did with the old website.  It is going to be hard to do on Blogger.  I will try to figure out a way that it will be easy for you all.  I did create on the side bar a Recipe section and was able to link the Soup to the page so until I'm ready to post another recipe I'm not sure how it is going to work out.  I hate to think that you might have to scroll down the page till you get to the recipe.  Of course if that happens the newest will be at the bottom so that should be easy but I shutter to think if you want to cook ad recipe and have to scroll through 50 of them.  I will have to make this a project on how to figure this out.

I pretty much did nothing else till Mark got home.  He wanted to take a nap for about a hour so I played my games on Facebook and then we both got in the kitchen to prepare dinner.  We ended up having Tortilla Crusted Tilapia from Costco, black beans and new potatoes.  I wanted some broccoli but it seems all our veggies have been in the freezer too long and they have all died.  Bummer.  We'll have to get some new frozen veggies on the next trip to the store. 

Tonight we have just watched TV and we are waiting for the rain to move back and the next cold front to arrive which is going to put us down into the 40's for the next few days.  I know that is nothing to those of you who deal with snow but it is cold for this Texan!

Be good and we'll see what tomorrow brings.  It is feeling good to get up and move.  I just have to keep adding to my list or rearranging it as I go along.  I promise that I'm not going to bore you with what I do each day but these last two days have really been an accomplishment for this lazy girl!

Great Day!

I'm having to back date this because I wore myself out yesterday!

I got up and got after it this morning.  I got Mark off to work and then I showered and got dressed and started some laundry.  My goal today was to do a load of towels and and two loads of undies (darks and whites), unload and reload the dishwasher, wash up pots and pans, put the Chicken Pot Pie in containers for refrigerator and freezer, wash down all the granite and get it shiny again with some good granite cleaner, dust the breakfast table, post the recipe, cook dinner and fold clothes.  Well my intentions were good and the only things that I didn't get to do was wash down all the granite and get it shiny, dust the breakfast table, post the recipe and fold clothes.  I did though cook my meals today including dinner.  I cheated a bit on dinner though.  I fixed  rotisserie chicken, boiled some new potatoes and I stir-fried some veggies we got from Costco that had a butter balsamic sauce in it.  Boy was dinner good!

There is tomorrow to pick up with what I didn't get done and add to the list.  After admitting many times that I'm lazy and no one really listening to me and to try and help me I decided that I had to start doing things myself.  I can get up and do a little and rest and that is what I did all day long.  I got some computer time and I even took a 45 minute nap.  My knees were hurting a bit by the time I got dinner done but I survived the day.  Now to see how I feel in the morning and see if I an get several things done including cooking dinner.  I think that tomorrow night I will do something with some fish, potatoes and seek out a vegetable. 

Are y'all proud of me?  I'm proud of myself.  I was glowing all day because it felt good.  I am going to prove to myself that I can take care of my home.  I may not be able to do it all in a day but that will come as the weight comes off.  The house isn't too bad since I had a maid just before Christmas.  Tomorrow I am going to try and add the Dining room and the Entry to my list of dusting.  We'll see!  This has made me feel more human.  Amazing!  I have many things flowing through my head of things that I need to get done.  Slowly and surely I will.

So, that was my day, good eating, English muffin with peanut butter for breakfast, ham sandwich on oatmeal bread with light mayo, cheese, lettuce and green onion.  I had a cup of Chicken Pot Pie Soup to go along with it.  For my afternoon snack I had 4 peanut butter crackers that I made myself.  It was so good!  And I told you about dinner.  For my bedtime snack I enjoyed 2 Keebler cinnamon cookies.  Not bad at all.  Anxious to shock Kathy this week!

This Might Be Long...

I can't even believe I woke up on my own this morning.  That felt good and it felt like old times.  I loved it!  I actually had a pretty good night's sleep except I woke up around 2:30 and was hot and I got up and came into the media room because I can get under a fan.  I fell right back to sleep and woke up on time.  I fixed Mark's lunch and got him out the door and I grabbed my shower, fooled with my hair, got dressed and got out of here to drive up to the Woodlands to see Anna and Kathy.

Anna and I had a good appointment and it felt good to express the anger that is building over this ordeal with my parents.  It is stupid on their part.  Just plain dumb and it isn't going to help anything.  I am now confident that it is my mother that is behind the whole thing and my Dad just can't stand up to her and put his foot down.  He and I are the ones that are suffering and from what I'm hearing from other family members my mother is gloating over not talking to me nor sending us a card or a gift for Christmas.  Whatever!  It felt good to vent and Anna told me that I had the right to vent because she agreed with me that it was ridiculous.  She wants me to read the book "Toxic Parents" and my assignment this week is to write what I would like to see my relationship with my Dad be like and then do the same for my mother.  I really don't see my mother and I having much of a relationship from now on until she is ready to admit to the things that she has done in my life!  I have forgiven them both and like I have said in a earlier post, all I want from them is the show of love and support now in my life and that just seems too hard to do.  Could it be that is because they are used doing cruel things to me?  Anna also wants me to write a letter to them expressing my feelings but not to mail it.

Enough on that!  That subject really bores me and I'm sure it does you too, so let's get on to my visit with Kathy.

She had a patient just before me so when she called me back I wrote her a check while she pulled up my eating record and looked over it.  We discussed how I didn't reach my goal of cooking at least 3 times and she did understand that I had been sick and wasn't feeling good.  She also told me that she realized that I just had some tough things happen in my life and she could understand that maybe I was suffering with some depression.  I told her that Anna and I briefly talked today about me being lazy.  That is what I told Anna.  I told Kathy the same thing.  I told her that I spent the day with a laptop in my lap in front of the TV and I was just lazy!  I told her that I just put things off.  She questioned me if it was really laziness or did I really have difficulty cooking and doing other things.  She said that she could understand that it would be a big challenge at my size and I told her that it was.  I told her it didn't take long and my feet were ruined.  We talked about doing easy things and I made the comment that I just didn't like baked chicken and broccoli.  I thought she was going to flip on me.  She quickly said that it didn't have to be just baked chicken and steamed broccoli but that there were some easy recipes out there.

I explained to her how I met my "cookie" friends on the WW Boards back in 2004 when I just started Weight Watchers.  I told her about how the group loved to cook from Cooking Light and when they tried a recipe and they thought it was "company worthy" in went into the collection of recipes that had about 3,000 recipes at the time.  I told her that everyone cooked from that list and I started doing the same.  I told her that we ate better than any restaurant.  I told her I got use to that.  I told her that I just can't cook that way anymore and anything less just didn't do it for me.  She quickly told me that she could bet that I could look through the recipes and find something that was fast and easy.  She encouraged me to do so but she also told me that she did not want me to spend hours doing it.  She told me maybe a hour or so to find 3 quick and easy recipes.  I told her that I would do that.  I told her that I was going to get the Chicken Pot Pie Soup made today and we talked about it and how much it made.  She suggested that because it made so much to freeze enough for us to have another meal but to possibly save back some to eat with my sandwich at lunchtime.  That sounded good to me.

We then discussed what happened the night we ordered the 2 medium pizzas and ate them.  She asked me what could we have done differently.  I told her the mistake was thinking that I would stop eating at what I considered a meal.  I told her that it was pizza from Papa John's and that it came with garlic butter and she was shaking her head acknowledging that she knew about the garlic butter and how good it was.  I told her that it was the garlic butter that made me lose my mind.  She told me that it just turned into mindless eating.  She asked me what did I think that we should do to avoid that happening again.  I told her that we didn't need to order pizza to be delivered at home anymore but that we needed to go out and eat the pizza and before we go we need to make sure we both understand that we will only get one medium pizza.  She then asked me what else could you order to make it more of a meal.  I told her that we could add a salad and she nodded her head yes.  She then told me that she didn't have a problem with us splitting a medium pizza but she had a big problem with us eating a medium pizza each.  She told me that we needed to find the best pizza place we could find and go there and enjoy it.  I agreed.  She told me that she wanted me to do that soon.  She said that she did not want me to beat myself up over it.

We then discussed how much we eat out and how bad it was.  She told me that it is going to be real hard for me to lose any weight till that stops and becomes more like a treat.  I agreed.  I told her that we were sick of everything that we were eating.  She told me that she could see that I really try to make good choices but the reality is, it is still too many calories.  We also talked about the stuffed baked potato that we ate last night for dinner.  She told me one easy meal that I could do is bake my own potatoes and put my own meat on it.  She suggested HEB's shredded beef that they sale in a container.  I said to her "I can have that?" and she said 'Of course".  You can have anything.

I finally got up the nerve to ask her if this "No Diet" was temporary and that eventually she would bring me full circle and put me on one so that I could start losing this weight.  She took a deep breath and looked at me and said "Has dieting helped you?"  I didn't know what to say.  She went on to say "Yes, you lost weight but what has always happened"  I said to her "I gain it back."  So she said again "So does dieting work for you?"  I told her "No."  She told me that she did not want me to diet any more.  The key to this will be portion control and satisfying what my body needs.  To think through and plan each time I eat.  So...I'm done with dieting.  I will work on accepting that I don't have to weigh or measure.  I just need to learn what is reasonable for my body and learn how to truly feed it what it needs, to satisfy my cravings with sensible portions  This has been such a head trip but I can tell in some ways it is getting easier.  I can't describe the guilt that I sometimes have because of my dieting nature.  When I make my sandwiches now, I don't feel as guilty not weighing and measuring the things that go on my sandwich, I just make it and I enjoy it.  I am satisfied when I finish.  I make sure that I have the things that I like on a sandwich in the house.  I have different chips.  It's o.k.  Now if I can just get that way about dinner. 

I have got to work on asking myself the questions that I hear Kathy say to me all the time.  I need to think through what I'm doing, why I am eating, it is a craving or a need.  I need to eat at the table and not all over the place so that I will only want to eat at the table and stop the association of needing something to eat while in the media room and in my car!  I've got to plan.  Not stress but plan.  I need to make sure that I have what I need at home at all times.

Kathy gave me the same goals this week.  To cook 3 times, to find 3 easy and quick recipes, to think and follow through, to eat at the table for each meal and snack.  So I will do that.

I came home and made my sandwich and chips and I ate my lunch and I enjoyed it.  I had a smoked turkey sandwich with enough meat to satisfy me, cheese because I love it on my sandwich, light mayo, red onions and lettuce.  I had some jalapeno chips to go with it and a Coke Zero.  It was so good.  I was hungry when I got home.

The bad thing...

I fell asleep and woke up at 5:30 to feed the cats.  But, while they ate I got out the mushrooms for the soup and I washed them to get them ready to slice.  I then went and sat down and waited for Mark to call so that I could finish giving him the list of things that we needed from the store.  He hadn't called and it was 6:30 and so I called him and he was just sitting around talking to his friend Max.  He wrote down what I needed and I asked him not to call because I was going to make the soup.  I did make the soup and my feet did hurt a little.  The soup was so good.  I will post the recipe tomorrow.  I do have the nutritional information in case you need it.  I also took a picture of it.  I hope that you all will try it.

The rest of the evening I got caught up with emails and Facebook.  Mark has already gone to bed.  I think that I will go and hit the hay as well.  I need to have just as good of a day as I had today.  I will cook dinner tomorrow night.  It may not be a recipe, but I'm planning to eat at home.

Better Day!

I actually woke up and was able to fix Mark's breakfast and lunch for him to take to work.  It felt good to do something I was doing a few weeks ago and he really did appreciate it because he has been having to go out and get something for lunch.  I know he was happy today because we had severe weather most of the day.

I did have a good breakfast of a English muffin with peanut butter and a banana and a cup of coffee.  I also ate at a normal time.  I watched some TV, talked on the phone with my niece's partner and messed around with Facebook.  I ended up dozing of while playing a game and luckily I woke up in time for lunch.  A little late but at least I woke up!  I had a turkey sandwich on oatmeal bread, mayo, cheese, lettuce and onion.  I also had a diet coke and a handful of jalapeno potato chips which I love!  It was so good and satisfying.

The plan was to make that recipe that I have been wanting to make all week but around 5:15 after I fed the cats.  I dozed off in my chair waiting to let Ernie out of the media room.  I woke up at 6:30!  Poor cats having to be locked up for that long. Mark called about the same time and I told him what happened and so we decided that he would just bring home BBQ baked potatoes.  It was really good and satisfying.

The other thing that happened today is the Estate Sale Company that is doing Mark's mother's estate got pictures up of the sale.  We knew that she had a lot of stuff because we had to go through it all but I'm telling you I never dreamed there was as much as the pictures showed.  The sale goes on this Friday and Saturday and we would appreciate prayers and warm thoughts that it all sales so we don't have to figure out what to do with what is left over.  For an exampled she has over 400 albums!  That is just a needle in the haystack, trust me!

Well, tomorrow I am planning to go and see Anna and to meet with Kathy.  I'm anxious to see them both, especially Anna because I need some help dealing with this situation with my parents ending their relationship with me for now, until I heal.  I'm really starting to feel a lot of anger about it all and we all know what anger can do when you are a emotional eater.  I know that Kathy will be able to help me too.  So tomorrow's post may be lengthy since I will share what else I learn from Kathy.

I did get two little encouragements today that I loved!  I want to share them with you!

Here they are:

"Don't let your struggle become your identity."

and

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending...

Now I really like that one.  A new way to think about things when trouble comes in staying on course.  Tell me what you think about the little encouragements I get by logging my food.  Do you like them?  Do they warm your heart?

Yea! I've Got Meds!

This morning was crazy as I had to get to the vet to get the boys some cat food and get to the Dr..  Mark and I went together and of course I'm worse off than Mark because I have let this go on for so long!  But the good news is I have cough syrup, a antibiotic and instructions to keep using my nebulizer and I will get over this!

Actually today I have felt the worse.  My eating showed it as well.  I guess I was looking for comfort foods.  I didn't get to eat breakfast because I had so much to do this morning and Mark didn't wake me up so when I finally did get up I didn't have time, I had to run!  I know...I need to have things here that I can grab and go with but I haven't figured out what that is.  I refuse to eat those sweet breakfast bars because they do nothing but make you hungry!

Once I got home from getting our meds, getting Mark some lunch and delivering it all to him at work, I was exhausted and I crashed in my chair when I got home.  Mark did bring me some fish, mashed potatoes and green beans from Luby's so it wasn't all loss but I have learned that I cannot have any cookies in this house.  I can't do a few at a time.  I want too many at a time.

Hopefully when I wake up in the morning I will feel better and I can get some things done and get this eating back on track!  I didn't even log my food today! I'll have to go on-line to catch up.  Boo!  Oh well, it is my fault and this is just one day and I know that this has to stop here and not go any further!

Here is tomorrow!  I will make it a great day! 

I keep forgetting to mention that I have added things to the Encouragement page, the Stats and yes a gross picture of what I look like now.  If you have been following me for a while it will make you sick.  It makes me sick.  I will never figure out why I let myself gain all this weight back!

I'm Going To The Doctor!

I really had the worse night ever.  I didn't fall asleep till nearly 4 a.m.!  I couldn't get comfortable in the media room as it was way too warm and my body is sick of living in a media recliner.  ACK!

When I finally got to sleep I sleep till 10:40 so there was no breakfast today.  In fact, my eating wasn't bad today I just didn't eat at the right times.  I did eat both meals from fast food places and I am positive that Kathy will have very choice words for me on Thursday.

I am suppose to have my Remicade treatment in the morning but I had to cancel that appointment.  My Primary Care Dr.'s nurse called me this morning and told me that I would have to come in.  She transferred me to the appointment desk only to find that he is still not on my insurance which caused another transfer and the wait for a call back.

Because I slept so late, I did text Larissa and cancel because I truly hoped that I was going to get in to see someone today.  I called my neighbor Rae's Dr. and he doesn't accept our insurance.  I ended up calling our old Primary Care Physician this afternoon and got Mark and I both appointments at 10:40 in the morning.  Mark brought home Jack In The Box and I had a Chicken Ranch Club sandwich and curly fries and I can tell you I wish the place would burn down.  I'm sick of it!

I finally heard back from my current Primary Care office and they informed me that I would have to see a different Dr.  Well, since I had this other appointment I will just wait till I need a Dr. again and I will get in and get established with her.

We are suppose to have severe weather tomorrow and Wednesday and they are telling us to expect high winds, possible hail and tornadoes and 6+ inches of rain.  Fun!  I've been so careful not to have to get out and the day I have to go to the Dr. the weather is going to be he worse ever!  I also have to go to the vet's to get the boys some more food.  Great!

I fell asleep this afternoon and slept till nearly 6 so the soup didn't get made today.  Mark brought home Panda Express but without any spring rolls and it was good and satisfying.  We did watch The Biggest Loser and it was good tonight as well.  I'm so glad to have something to watch to remind me that this can be done.


It is time for bed and since we both are sick now and we both are going to the Dr. I think that I will go and try and sleep in the bed tonight!  Wish me luck.  Tomorrow has to be a better day and hopefully the day that things start turning a corner!

Say some prayers for us!

Start Where You Are...Use What You Have...Do What You Can!

What A Day! I Need To Get Well!

What can I say...same thing...I'm still sick and no I didn't go to a clinic today.  I laid around again and I had problems with my eating starting in the afternoon.

Typical morning of getting up and having coffee, watching TV and having breakfast  Mark actually made us egg sandwiches this morning and they really hit the spot.  Mark really had a bad night so we didn't eat breakfast till after 10!  Not good.  I was way past hungry.

I wanted to make that chicken pot pie soup for supper and we had a correction of our Income Taxes that had to be mailed so Mark decided that he would go run errands and he would go and get what we needed right now from the grocery store.  We sat down and discussed our list and away he went  I messed around with my phone trying to learn how to assign ring tones to it.  If any of you own the Samsung Galaxy S3 and you know how to do this, please write me!

He made a couple of calls from the store asking me questions and one time that he did, I asked him to bring home Sonic for lunch.  I was craving and had been craving a foot-long cheese coney and some onion rings, he said that he would stop  It was already 2 in the afternoon.  When he got home I had fallen asleep and he woke me up with my request but he didn't get anything.  It made me feel horrible.  The crazy thing is that it really made me feel guilty that I was eating and he was not.  He put up all the groceries and went outside and started taking Christmas decorations down.  After I ate I de-boned a rotisserie chicken for the soup that I was going to make.  I got that all cleaned up and then I went and sat down because I just wasn't feeling the greatest  I have lost my voice again.  Also I was coughing up all kinds of stuff so I didn't do the nebulizer today.

We both dozed off sometime after 4 and woke up when the cats were screaming to be fed.  Mark asked me around 6 if I was still going to make the soup and I really didn't feel up to it.  I don't know what it is with this stuff but you feel worse at night than you do during the day.  We talked and watched TV and both of us were excited that The Biggest Loser was starting up again tonight.  I told Mark to pick what he wanted for dinner because he hadn't eaten lunch and he tried to get me to pick.  He finally said that Pappa John's had a $10 deal going on so I got on-line and checked it out.  It turned out that they had a deal of two medium pizza's for $16 and that deal suited Mark better.  I knew I should have spoke up because I knew that was too much pizza.  I didn't and I told myself that I could have a few pieces and I could save the rest for lunches this week to enjoy.

When the pizza was delivered, they sent garlic butter with it.  Mark fixed our plates and brought me a cup of the garlic butter.  I smothered my 4 pieces with it and I enjoyed it so much.  I even dipped the ends of my crust in it.  Was I ready to stop?  No.  Did I stop and ask Kathy's questions?  What questions?  It was like all of a sudden I had tunnel vision and the only thing matter was me eating that pizza and getting the other half and enjoying it like I did the first half!  How sick is that?  I guess that is why they call this a disease.  It is!  An awful one!  Why does food have to have so much control over us?  I don't know but I promise I'm going to figure this out!

We watched and enjoyed The Biggest Loser.  I think that this will be a good season.  I like their new idea and I won't say more just in case you didn't get to see it.  I did log my awful meal and I did write about how it made me feel.  I wrote that I lost control and that I didn't think things through.  In fact I wrote that I chose to eat the other half because I was enjoying the butter so much.  I wrote that I felt bad that I didn't ask myself the questions that Kathy is teaching me.  When I hit "submit" on that meal I chose to let it go.  It is one meal, this is one day and I need to let it go and stop right now beating myself up over it.  It will never change what I did.  I do know this for a fact, that tomorrow is a new day and I have 3 meals and 2 snacks to make good healthy choices and that is what I am going to do.  I'm at least learning that!

I close with this...

Be Confident.  Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren't.  Everybody has their own strength and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are -- and aren't -- that you will truly succeed.

Getting Worried!!!

I'm still sick.  In fact my neighbor Rae is sick but she was smart and went to the Dr. today and she tested negative for the flu and was diagnosed as having a upper respiratory infection.  Her Dr. said it was going around and a lot of people were try to self treat it and they were ending up in the hospital.  Oh Lord!  Wouldn't you know this evening I've started coughing up a little blood.  Not every time but still the same.  I think when I'm doing writing today's blog I'm going to email my Dr.s nurse to see if they can't squeeze me in!  Who knows maybe I will just go to a med clinic tomorrow!

Today was another lazy day with nothing much going on.  I had a English muffin toasted with peanut butter for breakfast and Mark and I watched some HGTV and I messed around on the computer looking at recipes on Skinny Taste.com since I need to cook 3 times this week.  I found a delicious soup that I want to make called Chicken Pot Pie.  It has rave reviews. Mark didn't feel like getting out today so we put off cooking till tomorrow.  It rained here all day!  I really didn't want him to get out either since I think he is coming down with this crap!  I did get hungry a couple of hours after breakfast and I was craving the left over chili con queso, so I heated it up and grabbed the bag of Tostitos and you know what?  I only ate half of it and I was done.  By the size of my bowl I would save that I had about a 1/2 cup.  Normally I would have eaten it all snacked on chips without anything and would scrap the bowl with my finger to make sure I got it all.  I was real amazed and very proud of myself!

A few hours later Mark was hungry for lunch and I was starting to get hungry again and it was time for my lunch.  He made us black forest ham and cheese sandwiches and chips and it was really good.  We then watched the Texans game and I may have dozed off some.  I took a shower and that felt good and we just watched TV and then the cats started screaming for their dinner  It was time for my snack so I had some peanut butter and crackers (4 of them), I love those!

Didn't I tell you it was a boring day?  When it came time for dinner I was real hungry for some tacos  I wanted Mark to pick up a dinner for a little Mexican food place just outside of our subdivision but he didn't want to he wanted that dozen tacos from Taco Bell.  I told him that I didn't want 6 tacos that I really wanted just a couple of good ones.  He then tells me that I can eat what I want and then throw the rest away.  OK  Whatever!!!  Do you think that happened?  He should have listened to me!  I ate all 6 of them and they were not even good!  So...I blew it.  I am going to have to have another little talk with him again tomorrow about that.  He has got to start listening to me.  His deal was Taco Bell was only $10 and the other was $7.99 each.  So?  I wouldn't have overate!  He doesn't understand the problem and I guess when you don't have a eating disorder then you just don't get it.

Well more TV watching this evening and I dozed off.  Mark woke me up a bit ago and he has gone to bed.  I have done my breathing treatment and I'm ready to call it a day.  I need to spend some time thinking about my little talk with Mark in the morning.  He's got to get on the same page1

Till then...be good and stay strong!!!

Hoping To Be Turning A Corner...

I had another rough night but this morning my voice was a little better and the congestion was breaking up!  That is a good thing.

I pretty much had a lazy, restful day.  Just played around on the computer but I did make it a point to cook a good breakfast of multi-grain waffles, 2 egg whites with 1 egg yolk, turkey sausage crumbles and sugar-free syrup.  Kathy and I talked about the sugar-free syrup and she is o.k. with it because I really like Cary's Sugar-Free!

After breakfast, I showered and dressed and did a breathing treatment and I rested and actually dozed off for a few minutes.  For lunch I made a Black Forest Ham Sandwich out of oatmeal bread, mayo, Kraft Big Cheese, lettuce and onions.  I also had a handful of Cape Cod Light Chips.

The afternoon I messed around on Facebook playing games and I took a pretty good nap but missed a call from a old friend Teri who lives in Tennessee.  She left me a message and asked me to text her and let her know what time I was up in the morning and she would call me back, so I did.

When I got up to feed the cats at five I fixed me 4 peanut butter cracker sandwiches and enjoyed those.  I then loaded the dishwasher and hand washed some pots and pans.  I gearing up to cook dinner tomorrow night.

Mark brought home Panda Express and we enjoyed that this evening.  I over did it though.  I had 3 veggie spring rolls which I could have done without, firecracker chicken, Beijing Beef and their chow mien noodles side.  I was pretty full.  I told Mark hat we just need to do away with the Spring Rolls.  He agreed with me.  So I logged dinner and wrote about my feelings and what Mark and I discussed in my Recovery Record App.  I love that thing, when you are feeling down on yourself it gives you such warm encouragements that make you smile and give you the mind-set to do better and carry on.  For example"Letting Go of Perfect", "Every accomplishment begins with the decision to try."

Don't you love it.  I get these little things every time I log my meals.  I love my warm fuzzies.  I need them.

We just watched TV tonight.  I think Mark is getting sick, he went to bed early saying his throat hurts.  I'm in the media room once again  He offered to sleep in the Guest Room.  I still feel like I would cough myself silly if I tried and lay down.

Well, here is to a good day tomorrow.  Praying that I feel better and for a good day.

Here is a warm fuzzy I'll end with...

"Whatever You Do, Hold on to hope!  The tiniest thread will twist into a UNBREAKABLE Cord.
Let Hope anchor You in the possibility that this is Not the end of your Story, that CHANGE will bring you to peaceful shores."

Love it!  Don't forget it! ...Laura

Feeling Worse!

I had an awful night last night coughing my head off and it was a dry deep cough at that.  Something is not right.  Do I want to go to the Dr.?  Not yet.  Mainly because I have had no fever, aches or pains just this head and chest congestion.  I've taken the flu shot back in September and I have to take the pneumonia shot whenever it comes due.  I've done that for years because of my suppressed immune system.

I actually woke up today when Mark was feed the cats and he made me a cup of coffee.  I felt like it would break things up and get me going.  The bad thing about this is I don't feel bad.  I don't feel sick.  It just sucks.  As the morning wore on I knew that my voice would not last through a 50 minute session with Anna and then a hour session with Kathy.  I called Anna and cancelled even though I did want to.  I really needed to get in there to see her.  Around 9:00 I called Kathy and left her a message and she called me back and agreed to a 30-minute phone session.  I was happy about that.  She was going to call me at 11:30 (the same time as my appointment).

I really even didn't feel like eating this morning but I made myself eat something.  I had some hot tea and avoided talking to anyone because my voice is going.  At 11:30 she called and we really had a good visit.  We talked about several different situations that came up over the last two weeks looking at my food records.  She could see that I was making changes and working on eating breakfast at home and she wants me to continue that.  We talked about how in the years past while I was doing Weight Watchers of how I would plan out Christmas Eve and Christmas Day using all my Daily Points and Dividing up my Weekly Points and my Activity Points when I had them.  I can remember having nearly 72 or 73 points each of those days.  I can remember planning for 1 1/2 oz. of Tostitos, 1/2 of queso, salsa and any other dip that I had prepared.  I can remember the feeling of "having to eat to get the points in because if I didn't that was bad!"  This year I felt peaceful and I told Kathy that I know for a fact that I ate way less than I did in years past, but the greatest thing was not stressing over weighing and measuring everything to eat what I wanted and strangely I stopped when I was satisfied.

We talked about how things were going with Mark not asking me "if I needed something" every evening when he comes home or when he goes out to do an errand.  We talked about the cookies and I asked her if she minded if I had a sweet each night and she told me no.  She told me that she wanted me to continue to work on asking myself if I was eating out of habit, was I truly hungry and if I was truly hungry what could I eat to take care of me.  I told her that her repeating these things to me all the time was really sinking into my head and I was stopping and asking myself these questions and it had stopped me from some mindless eating.  I told her that I was starting to see that we needed to start eating our meals at the table and not kicked back in our media chairs with the TV on.  I told her I was really starting to make the connection on how certain things by habit causes unnecessary eating.

I asked her if she thought I was in weight loss mode and she told me no, but she told me that I shouldn't be gaining which I don't feel like I am.  I did tell her about the 26 lbs of fluid that I took off and she was surprised and we talked about how I was taking my diuretics and she thought that I had a good plan and she encouraged me to stay with it.

She asked me what I wanted my goal to be for the next week.  I was stumped.  She told me that she wanted me to continue to eat breakfast at home and to plan more.  She told me that she wanted to see less of me grabbing because I was out and not being prepared or not making good decisions.  I told her that I knew that we were still eating out too much and that I wanted to get that stopped.  I told her that I wanted to cook dinner this week.  She actually shocked me by asking me how many times did I want to commit to cooking.  I wanted to say every night because that is what I want but I also know I'm not feeling the greatest so before I could answer she told me that she would like for me to cook 3 times this week.  I told her that I would.  That is a good start and we agreed that I would continue to work on all that we have discussed in my previous sessions. 

I did tell her that over-eating and binging was confusing me.  She told me that she could see  in my thoughts on my journal that I was questioning if I was binging or not  She told me the way to tell if I was binging or not was that with binging the outcome would be an emotional one like if I was making cookies and in my mind I said to myself that I was going to eat all of them because I deserved them and I followed through with it, then it was a binge, or if I was angry and ate to calm myself.  She told me eating large portions was overeating and either way she wanted me to avoid those situations by asking myself the questions why am I eating, is this what I really want and is this what my body really needs.  Boy I'm telling you it asking those questions is really helping me.

She told me that she had me down for next Thursday at my regular time and she would see me then.  We ended our conversation.  I think we had a good session and I feel energized to keep moving forward.

Mark came home for lunch to get the nebulizer out for me and I did get a treatment in.  I am coughing up a little so that is a good thing.  When I finish this I am going to do another treatment and try and get a good night sleep.  I did call Larissa and we decided that we would wait and see how I was doing this weekend and hopefully I will be ready to get back to the gym on Monday.

Mark came home from work with a headache and his stomach was bothering him.  I hope he isn't getting this.  I did find out today that Shannon has it and my other niece Melanie has it.  We all are furious at Michelle for letting her mother get around all of us being so sick.  Shannon did tell me that Michelle is now sick.  Well, boo-hoo!  I know that isn't nice but please!

Tomorrow has to be better! 

Still Feel Like Crap!

I didn't do too much today.  I really had a rough night last night.  I tried sleeping in the bed and I only lasted about 2 hours because I kept coughing myself awake.  I finally got up and went back to the media room and then one of the cats tried getting into the cookies and there was a big crash in the kitchen.  I threw the cookies in the microwave and it took a bit to get back to sleep.  Mark let me sleep in this morning and I slept till nearly 9:30.

My eating was o.k. today.  I fixed a English Muffin with natural peanut butter for breakfast and then Mark came home for lunch and brought home Jack In The Box, Sour Dough Jack's, curly fries and diet cokes.  We ate and visited and he went back to work.  I did take a nap this afternoon and I wasn't hungry for my afternoon snack so I skipped it.  For dinner I had fish from Luby's with black-eye peas and new potatoes.

I didn't get to the gym today, I just didn't feel up to it but I talked to Larissa and we are set-up for Friday.  Surely by then I will be doing lots better!  I sure hope so.  I also cancelled my hair appointment today because I didn't think it would be good for me to breath keratin chemicals.  I rescheduled it for next Wednesday.

Tomorrow is Anna and Kathy.  I can't wait to see them both.  I need to talk some more to Anna about this situation with my parents.  I'm really having a hard time with this.  I'm pretty sure that Kathy will have some things to say about my food journal and she will have something else for me work on.  I really hope that tomorrow night I will feel up to cooking dinner.  I want to grill some fish, fix some potatoes and stir-fry some veggies.  I hope that my schedule is better tomorrow and I eat on time.

That is another thing that I want to talk to Kathy about.  Sometimes I'm not hungry when it is time for me to eat.  It has caused me to feel guilty for not eating and/or skipping the meal//snack.  There isn't suppose to be any guilt with what I'm doing, no rules.  I want to get her input on this.  I'll have to report to you tomorrow how my appointments go.  This will be my fourth meeting with Kathy.  I'm really ready to get this show on the road.  Tomorrow morning I will weigh in and will also update my Stats page.  I also want to talk to Kathy about how often she wants me to weigh.

So, that is about it for today.  Tomorrow has to be better.  At least I will have more to report to you all.  Keep strong.  The journey is hard but it is doable just one step at a time.  I finally have peace that I will make it.

Happy New Year!!!

I almost let the day go!  I have been pretty sick with a upper respiratory infection.  I have been wanting to write but when I would get in the mood I would fall asleep.  I've had to catch sleep when I can because I have been coughing my head off.

We had an uneventful New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.  We pretty much just planted ourselves in front of the TV and just watched it away.  We did bring in the New Year with Mimosa's and we both crashed in our chairs shortly after that!

I am noticing that I'm eating less and I'm having a less pull to the food.  I really don't think that it is because I'm sick because I have had my 3 meals and a snack until today.  I slept through my afternoon snack and dinner.  I did eat a few Tostitos and some Velveeta cheese dip as a bedtime snack.  Funny I didn't have very much.  We did have a big lunch from Luby's.  I had pork roast, mashed potatoes with gravy, black-eye peas, green beans and cornbread.  I didn't eat all my green beans but it left me satisfied for a long time.

I'm hoping that tomorrow when I wake up that I feel like getting back into the gym. I did talk to Larissa my trainer and she told me that we could take it easy.  When we texted this afternoon she told me to see how I felt in the morning and to let her know.  I did have a pretty rough day coughing my head off.  Right now things are calm and I'm hoping that when I finish writing this that I will actually be able to lay down in the bed tonight.  Sleeping in a media chair is no fun!  LOL!

Tomorrow I hope to have a better day with my meal timing.  I also want to cook dinner tomorrow night.  I'm real hungry for some grilled fish, new potatoes and some veggies.  I have a new seasoning that I would like to try out that I purchased from a friend's son back in the summer.  It is made locally and she says that it is to die for.  I shared a bottle of it with Stacey while she was here.

Another thing that has been different is I sent Mark to the store the other night because we were out of egg patties, English muffins, creamer and fruit.  He let the bakery grab him and he brought home 3 containers of cookies.  Can you spell K - I - L - L???  I know when Kathy hears about this one she will having another talk with him.  Really I have already had the talk with him.  What in the world was he thinking.  He said that he was hungry for some cookies but couldn't decide which ones he wanted.  I told him to never bring home 3 again.  I told him that he was making excuses and that he could figure out what he really wanted. 

Usually we will clean out cookies because we are cookie monsters!  He bought these Monday night and we have only had a few of them.  He has actually eaten more than I have.  I've been satisfied with one or two and he has had 3 - 5!  He's on his own.  I have to do my thing and work on me.  He knows how to lose weight.  He know what it takes.  If he doesn't he needs to just go back to WW and learn how to do the program or pay and get his own dietitian.  LOL!

I do, really feel less a pull for food.  I'm not stressed out over it.  It is really nice knowing that can have anything and I don't have to eat anymore light stuff.  Are you wondering about my weight?  Well, let me say this.  I had my Remicade before Christmas and it was about that time that I got busy and could not take my fluid pills.  By the time Stacey got here my legs were killing me from being so swollen.  Last Wednesday afternoon I got on the scale at a Whopping 416 lbs.  I started taking the fluid pills every day.  Yesterday morning I was down to 390.8 lbs.  What does that say?  I must take my meds is what it tells me.  Yesterday I really didn't feel good and I felt dehydrated.  Today I just took the mildest of the fluid pills the Dr. has prescribed.  I have drank more today and I feel better.  My plan is to make Thursday my new weigh-in day.  I figured it is a good day because it is the day that I see Kathy.  So, I will start the Stat page on Thursday and we will see what my peaceful feeling with food is actually doing.

Are you ready to follow me again?  I hope so!