Sunday just wasn't a good day. Let me say though I learned a lot. I learned that I really can make some good excuses and actually can convince myself to believe them. Pretty much all day long I didn't feel the greatest. I keep messing around with my fluid pills mainly because I can hardly leave the house when I take them so I'm having a hard time figuring out when to take them with me seeing Larissa, my trainer, on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at noon and Anna and Kathy on Thursday starting at 10:00 in the morning, well actually I leave the house at 9:00 and I don't get back home till around 1:30. The Dr.'s have told me that I can take what I need when I need it but I know that I need something on a daily basis. So when I don't take them that many days out of the week then Friday afternoon, Saturday and Sunday I take pretty high dosages and today I think that I took too much because I felt like crap and the only thing that I accomplished was washing some dishes and loading the dishwasher. I did take some pork chops out for dinner and defrosted them in the microwave.
When I was headed back to the media room I noticed that our cat Bert was squatting on our oriental runner in our entry and he was peeing on it. We have noticed in the last week that one of the cats had poo'd on it, so we caught the culprit. Bert had never peed on anything and their box was clean. I looked on the web and everything pointed to him having to go to the vet on Monday. We got the rug out of the house and frankly we both have decided that we really like the entry without it. It looks bigger. So I don't know if we will get it professionally clean or not at this point.
Anyway I found Mark asleep in his chair and I tried waking him up and asked him about dinner and he told me that he wanted to sleep. I thought o.k. I'll ask you at 7:00 about dinner and I let him sleep. I got so involved with the dang computer it was 7:30 before I knew it. I woke him up and asked him about dinner and he asked me what I wanted. I told him that it was too late for me to cook and why didn't he just go get us a hamburger at Sonic. He told me that he would go and get me one but he wasn't that hungry. I questioned him about eating and he said that he would get something. I know him and he says that and he goes and gets me something and then he doesn't eat. So I asked myself if that was what I really wanted and the answer was no. I have been craving cheese enchiladas and there is a small Mexican restaurant just outside our subdivision that we have never tried but it was close and it was cold and drippy outside. When Mark got dressed I told him that I would really like some cheese enchiladas and would he go to that Mexican place. He told me he would and then he asked me the fatal question that he is not suppose to ask me "Do you want anything else?" and I said yes get me a small queso. I knew that I didn't need it, I knew that I wasn't really hungry for it but it was something that we always do when we eat Mexican food. He left and then the guilt hit me and I realized that asking for the queso was mindless eating! Did that stop me from eating it? No. I had 3 cheese enchiladas, the chips and queso and the beans and some of the rice. I finished it off with two Keebler cinnamon cookies which I know that I wasn't hungry for. I had fallen back into old behavior. I just hated myself. We watched some TV and I just wasn't in the mood to write the blog so we went to bed.
I got up in the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep so I came in the media room and eventually I feel back to sleep. Mark ended up not waking me up to make his lunch and I woke up with him messing around in the garage. I thought we had been broken into and I heard the door open and it was him all dressed and ready to go to work. He thought I had a bad night so he wanted to let me sleep. After he left I showered and dressed and waited for the vet to open so that I could call and get Bert in.
They ended up telling me that they had no openings but I could bring him in and I could leave him and they would see him between patients. I asked them if I could bring them in around 9:30 and they said that would be fine. I procrastinated about eating breakfast as I started playing stupid mind games with myself. You all know how it goes..."Well I blew it last night so I might as well have something good this morning. I think that I drop Bert off at the vet's I will just swing into Jack In The Box on the way home! Well dang it that is exactly what I allowed myself to do. I took Bert to the vet and made a b-line to old Jack's! I pulled up to the drive thru and I debated about what to get. I love their sausage croissants but I told myself that I wouldn't have them because I was bad last night so I just ordered the supreme croissant combo with a medium diet coke. Then the dude at the window asked me if that completed my order and out of my mouth goes "Add a sausage croissant" he said do you want just the sandwich or the combo and I said just the sandwich and I pulled up behind the car ahead of me and I could have killed myself. Why O Why do we do this stuff? It is clearly beyond me and I will talk to Anna and Kathy about it on Thursday, trust me. I got my order and I headed home and yes I ate all of it and yes I was very full. Then I go and justify it by telling myself that I would lie on my journal for breakfast and lunch and I would just skip lunch. How sick is that? Pretty darn sick. I'm sharing this all with you because I want to get past making these stupid mistakes and stop this crazy thinking that goes on in my head. I will get to the bottom of this. I want to be free from this stuff and I want to lose this weight. This binge eating is a horrible disease!
I ended up not eating lunch because I had justified getting over breakfast in my head. Also I just wasn't hungry. I also decided that I just didn't want to go and work out with Larissa so I cancelled her as well. Now I haven't worked out since before Christmas! Part of it has been because of me being sick but there is no reason for me not to be back to the gym I just can't get my acct together in that department. I guess I have been away too long. This has to stop too!
Well, this afternoon I called my friend Penny who is just like a big sister to me. Our parents have known each other since Jr. High so you can imagine how close our families are. Anyway, I told her about the mess going on with my parents and she was shocked. She agreed with me that this is my mother's doing and we talked a good long while about it. I then told her about Kathy and what I was doing and she was so happy that I had given up dieting. She too believes that diets causes more problems than anything because limiting yourself so strictly just causes you to eat once you lose the weight. She was so happy about me seeing Kathy. While I was telling her about Kathy I used the situation last night as an example of how Kathy would use her questions. I could see if I could have stopped the mind process and done that, that I would have not done what I did. I'm still going to to talk to her about all of this and see just how right I am.
By the time Penny and I finished talking I was hungry. It was around 4:00 by this time and I hit the potato chips in the pantry. I didn't eat very many but I did eat about the same out of both bags. I thought to myself. "Let this be a lesson Laura that you simply can't justify what you do by missing a meal." I know that right thing to have done was to have eaten lunch and just moved passed what I had done and learn from it. So my next question is "Why do we do such crazy stupid things?" You know we all do it and it is exactly what gets us into trouble and it starts the binging process. Luckily I drew the line in the sand and said "enough of the crap Laura, it is time to just do what you know you need to do", so for dinner I had left over Chicken Pot Pie soup and 2 french rolls and it was good and satisfying. For a bedtime snack I had my 2 Keebler Pecan Sandies cookies.
So I'm back on track. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. By the way, my little Bert had to stay over night at the Vet. The booger would not pee for them. I hated it and I miss him terribly. Hopefully they will call me early in the morning and let me bring that baby home. I have to have him no later than 11:00. I have my Remicade appointment at 1:00.
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