I hate my Remicade treatments! They just zonk me out for days! I get behind on everything! Now to give y'all a brief synopsis on Wednesday and Friday and my full Thursday because I saw Anna and Kathy!
On Wednesday, I did manage to make it to the gym and worked out with Larissa. At least she went easy on me but I was worn out. The bad news is I have lost strength. Other than that I pretty much slept most of the day but I did eat good till dinner when I blew it again on queso, enchiladas, beans and rice, chips ad salsa. Mark's job has gone crazy and he had to work late but didn't call me till late and I didn't cook dinner. I was angry so when he called I told him to go and get my favorite enchilada meal from one of our favorite restaurants. I also told him to get a small queso. He did do the right thing by asking me if I was sure this was what I wanted to do. In fact he asked me twice. He also asked me if I was going to tell the Dr. and I told him yes but knowing that I had already had enchiladas on Sunday I thought about lying about it. I didn't though because I know deep down inside that I need help and lying is not going to do any good. I ate my enchiladas and we both ate on the queso and didn't finish it. It was a small one too. I did record what I ate and I also recorded my emotions. I still had my cookies before bedtime and that was the end of Wednesday. I also had started beating myself up as a failure on Sunday and I added this to it.
Thursday, I got up, got Mark off to work and I got dressed and went to see Anna. Right now my sessions with her is all about my parents and what they have done to me. I've moved from devastation to anger and I'm sure that is fueling my eating to go a bit haywire. She let me vent this session and she offered to do some MDR and I told her that I didn't want to do it this week. She pretty much just let me get things off my chest that I let stew in me over the last week. After my session I headed over to Kathy's and I was dreading my session with her because I fully expected her to get after me for eating Mexican food twice.
When I got into her office she was having computer problems and couldn't pull up my food records. We tried using my phone and she couldn't log in so she ended up using her own cell phone to look over my food records. Remember I told you that I recorded my thoughts and feelings about eating the Mexican food. She was happy that I actually made the Chicken Pot Pie Soup and the other meals that I made. When she got to Sunday she paused and looked at me and told me that eating enchiladas and queso wasn't a bad thing. She told me to quit beating myself up over it. I tried telling her that in the past with Mike that he would chew me out for doing it and I learned to beat myself up over it to avoid having to tell him about it. She told me that I needed to forget all that Mike did to me and that I needed to talk to my therapist about it and it was something that we needed to work on in therapy. She told me that I needed to break that cycle and forget the diets of the past, that I was done with dieting. She went on to tell me that I didn't meet my goal of cooking 3 times even though we did have the soup as left overs which she thought was good. She told me that even having Mexican food twice in a week wasn't a bad thing. She acknowledged that I had a lot of things going on with my parents and I told her about my session with Anna and Kathy told me that she felt like that underlying anger was fueling me and it was something that I needed to be careful with and I needed to work on that with Anna as well. She then questioned me about the queso. She asked me if I liked it piping hot when they bring it to the table at a restaurant. She asked me if that was when it was the most satisfying to me. I told her yes that was the way that I loved it. She then said to me, I bet it wasn't piping hot by the time Mark got home from the restaurant." I told her that it was just warm. She told me that maybe the thing to do is to allow queso as a treat when we go to the restaurant and enjoy the treat. I told her she was right and that I would do that.
I did tell her about on Sunday Mark asked me the fatal question "Are you sure you don't want anything else?" and I told her that was when I added the queso. She told me that we were really going to have to get him for doing it and that I needed to have another talk with him about asking me those kinds of questions. I then told her what he said to me Wednesday night how he questioned me if this was something that I really wanted to do. How he asked me if I was going to tell the Dr. what I did. (Mark knows me pretty good because I got to the point that I wouldn't tell Mike when we went out for mexican food) I admitted to Kathy that I thought about lying in my food journal but I realized that was not going to do me any good. That I needed to be truthful because I need the help and I want to get over this disease or to manage it or learn to live with it, whatever we were working on. She told me not to ever lie to her about what I eat. She told me that she would never get mad or upset at what I do but that we would work on it. She told me that this was all about baby steps and I could see that. Just like stop ordering the queso to have at home and only allowing it at a restaurant and enjoying it while it was piping hot.
Kathy then ended our session saying that we had the same goals this week. For me to cook 3 times this week and she asked me did I have anything in mind. I told her that I wanted to make easy fish dish that we use to love that was called Pecan Crusted Fish and she thought that it sounded great and I told her that I wanted to make Sauteed Chicken Breasts in Balsamic pan sauce that was another easy dish. I also told her that I wanted to make another soup this week that I really enjoyed having soup instead of chips this past week. She asked me if I wanted to make a potato soup or something like a stew and I told her that I was hungry for a soup that my Mom use to make called Hamburger Soup. She encouraged me to go on-line and look for a recipe and she thought that it sounded good. I also asked her if she thought the pork that I thawed and put in the refrigerator would be any good and she told me that sine I thawed it in the microwave that I should pitch it. I told her that I wanted to do something with pork this week She told me to keep asking myself the questions and make sure that I got my afternoon snack in because I struggled so much at night this week. There were some days that I ate the snack and others that I blew it off. She told me that snack was important and that I shouldn't miss it. I told her that I would get it in. She told me that I was doing good eating breakfast at home and eating my lunches at home and she would like to see that continue. She reminded me that we were taking baby steps. She also told me to think about our little goal of being able to go on my stitching retreat in March and to be able to take care of my personal hygiene without any help. I'm worried sick over it. She told me that we needed to work on less restaurants and that she felt that goal would be reached and she also felt that the weight would start coming off. She check and she did have me in her calendar for next week at the same time and that was it.
When I got home I immediately ate lunch and changed my clothes as I was very sleepy I ended up moving my hair appointment to Friday because I felt like I needed to sleep and I did. I was still feeling pretty drugged. I wish that they didn't have to give me Zyrtec before Remicade. Antihistamine just wreaks havoc with my body for days, even the non-drowsy ones. I pretty much slept the afternoon away and Mark had to work late again so dinner was Luby's. We both fell asleep watching TV and when we woke up we just turned everything of and went to bed.
Friday, Mark let me sleep in because we forgot to go to the store to get lunch stuff. I slept right up to the time that I was suppose to go and meet with Larissa. I ended up just calling her and canceling as I didn't really feel like working out. My knees have been killing me. Someway, somehow I've got to get her to understand that squats kills my knees. I can really tell that the weight is starting to ruin my knees as I am getting knee pain when I drive across town. I really need to get in and have Mark's knee surgeon evaluate them to make sure that there isn't anything that I could do to help them along while I work on losing this weight. Even sitting with my knees bent they start to hurt. Get me away from the gym and they stop bothering me as much. In the afternoon I had a hair appointment to get my hair colored and cut Boy did she cut my hair! It is a bit too short and I know that I will get use to it. I like it short anyway. I'm quickly losing my blond hair as we keep putting in more low lights. I'll have to take a picture so you all can see. I really want to go back to my natural color with a few highlights and I think that we are just about there. The color is looking good and I'm getting a lot of complements about it.
I did not eat well for lunch Friday nor did I for dinner. I could have made better choice but I just didn't. I wanted Jack In The Box Tacos so that is what I ate for lunch and Mark didn't get home till 8:00 so we had Chick-Fil-A with waffle fries and I had a chocolate chip cookie as my bed-time snack. I did record them in my food record and that is what I truly wanted. I realize that it wasn't what I needed but it is what it is and I'm ready for whatever Kathy says next week. Pretty much the evening was spent playing mindless games on the computer and watching TV, fully knowing that I was behind on this blog but I was determined to get up Saturday morning and get it done. I did start this Saturday morning and I did work on it some on Saturday but I just couldn't get into writing it because I knew it was going to be long. So...tune in Monday morning to to see what happened on my Saturday and Sunday. Thanks for being patient with me and for taking the time to read such a long post.
Till tomorrow....
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