3rd Visit With Kathy

Kathy was well pleased that when I ate fast-food that I was getting out of my car and going in.  You know what?  It really makes you think about hungry you really are!  I have to be real hungry to get out of my car and eat by myself in a fast-food place.  However, I did do it!  It felt weird but was very eye opening to me.

She had my food records open and could see that I had eaten a King Size Reese's Nutrageous one night late.  She questioned me about it.  I told her that Mark had gone out to fill my car up with gas and he had asked me if I wanted anything and I told him that I would like a candy bar.  Well, Kathy kinda flipped on this one.  She asked me how often does this happen and I told her that he is always asking me if I needed anything before he gets home from work or if he is running an errand in the evening  Well, she told me that I was going to have a hard assignment this week.  She told me that I was going to have to tell Mark that he could no longer ask me those types of questions.  She was adamant about it.  She told me that if I was at home and was cooking and truly needed something from the store that I could make a list and I needed to call him and ask him to bring home only the things on the list.  He could not ask me anymore if I wanted anything.  Boy, I can tell you that this was going to be a hard one because as long as Mark and I have been together he has always asked me if there was anything that I needed before he got home.  Always!  I told her that I would do it.

She also noticed that at breakfast I was still eating fast-food or not eating at all.  She told me that needed to stop, that I needed to eat breakfast at home before I left home each day.  We talked about some fast things that I could do.  Peanut butter on a toasted English muffin, waffles, fruit and oatmeal but she wanted me to start having breakfast at home each day.  I told her that I would do that.

We then talked about me feeling uncomfortable about not weighing and measuring.  She told me that she wanted me to learn how to visually control my portions.  I asked her for a copy of the plate that she showed me on my first visit.  You can down load it from the Internet.  I put it on my refrigerator so that I can look at it each day so that I can learn.  She told me to put my scales up for now.  This is really bothering this weigh and measure Queen!  It is my nature, period!  I just have to keep telling myself that she is the professional and that she knows exactly what I need to win this eating disorder.

When I got out to my car, I called Mark and gave him my talk.  He was shocked but promised me that he would stop doing it.  He asked me what was he suppose to do if I needed him to bring dinner home.  I told him that he was going to have to wait for my call and tell him what to do.  I told him bringing dinner home was o.k if I wasn't going to cook but if I told him to go to the store and get cookies he was to refuse.  I told him that it had to be things that I needed to cook with.  So far this has been working well.  There has only been a couple of times that he has forgotten and I have had to remind him.  I didn't know how I would feel about this but I can say that I'm seeing why she is having to do this and I'm starting to feel some freedom and control, which is a good thing.

So...ya'll are up to date as to where I am with Kathy.  It will be interesting on what will be new next week when I see here  I guess for now I will start sharing you the challenges that I face everyday along with the feelings and emotions that it all brings.

So..keep checking back.  I plan to be out here everyday!

2nd Visit With Kathy

Well, I thought I would get back sooner but I hit a slump after Stacey and Eyan left.  Thank God that they were here for Christmas.  I had a few meltdowns while they were here with this situation with my parents.  It was hard to be around family hearing what they got from them and we didn't even get a card.  Go figure.  I'd be lying if I told you it doesn't hurt.  It hurts a lot.

My second visit with Kathy was full of new things to think about and to put into action.  When I got there she had my food records pulled up on her computer.  She could see right off that I was eating a lot of fast food.  I explained to her that it took me several days to get food in the house and then at night we loved going out and looking at lights and that pretty much caused us to eat out.  She asked me to try and cut it down to only the evening meal and to try to eat breakfast, lunch and my snack at home.  I told her that I would try.  We discussed what I had going on during the week.  I happened to have a lot of Dr.'s appointments so she talked to me about packing snacks and making sure that I always have something in my purse that I could go to in case I got caught out.  She also told me that no longer could I drive through a fast food place without parking my car and going inside and eating my meal there.  She said that there was not going to be any more eating in my car.  We talked about the things that I ordered and she noticed that I always had fries.  I explained to her that I normally just ordered combos because of "their deal".  She looked at me and asked me if 70 cents were going to break me.  I told her no and she told me to just order what I wanted and to stop ordering the deals.  It made sense.  It is amazing the habits that we get into and a mindset.  So, I had all that stuck in my noggin.  No more fast food in the car and to go in and eat and order what I wanted and not a deal.  Of course she said that if I was wanting fries, she said to order a combo but to really think about what I was hungry for and make sure I got what I wanted.

We also talked some more about ditching the dieting mentality.  She told me that she did not want any Weight Watcher products in my house.  She wanted me to continue to work on letting go of points.  I told her that I was still wanting to weigh and measure things and she told me to stop.  I questioned her about how much meat to put on a sandwich and she told me to put some meat on my sandwich and when I ate it if I thought it didn't have enough then tomorrow put more on my sandwich and if I thought it had too much then lessen it the next day.  Talk about freaking out in the head!  I then asked her about chips.  I asked her if I should weigh out a ounce of chips and she told me no to just take out the chips, get myself a handful of chips and put them on my plate and then to put the chips away.  OMG!  This was going to be hard.  She told me that at some point in time we might start weighing food again but for now she wanted me to let it go.  I asked her how did I know how many calories I was getting and she quickly told me that it was her job to worry about the calories and it was my job to do what she told me to do.  OK, I got that down.

We talked about the next day as I had to work out at noon and then I had a Dr.'s appointment at 2:00.  It was going to take me the whole hour to get to the Dr.'s.  I worried about not getting lunch till 3 or after and being too hungry.  We talked about it and she told me that I could either pack a lunch to take with me to eat once I got to the Dr.'s or I could take a snack and then eat after my appointment.  She asked me what would I eat if I had to wait until I got through at the Dr.'s.  I told her most likely it would be Chick-Fil-A and she told me again that I must park and go inside to eat.  She asked me what I would pack for a snack and I told her that I still had some My Fit Food Protein Bars and Protein Cookies and she made a icky face and told me that I needed to get rid of them.  She told me not to throw them away but asked me how much more did we have.  I told her just a few things and she told me not to buy anymore of them.  She said that there were healthier options.

So, we had the plan for the week, not to weigh or measure, for me to figure out what satisfied me and to stop eating in my car and if I chose fast-food that I had to get out of my car and go inside and eat my food inside the restaurant.  Whoa, this was some big changes.  I knew that it was going to be a challenge.

Oops I almost forgot one thing.  I asked her if it was o.k. for Mark and I to get a cappuccino while we were out looking at lights.  She told me no.  She told me that we were having dinner and then going to look at lights.  She did not want me to have anything else until time had passed and I needed a snack.  She explained to me that I was correlating the cappuccino to looking at lights.  I could see that so I could see a trend of mindless eating.  That was a tough one because it was something that we always did.  I knew that Mark was going to have a fit when I told him and he just about did.  I told him that he could get one but that I had to stop.  He is such a sweetie he gave them up too!

Busy!

I hate to do this but our daughter Stacey is coming in today and I'm so busy getting ready for her and Eyan's visit.  I'm going to take a few days off from blogging.  I'll be back after Christmas to continue all that I'm learning from Kathy.

May each of you have a Very Blessed Christmas!  Enjoy your family!  Don't forget the reason of the season JESUS!

Kathy's First Visit

I was pretty nervous driving up to the Woodlands to see Kathy for the first time.  I didn't know what to expect.  I had a hard time finding her office but luckily I was on time.  It is in a big complex with several buildings and of course her building is tucked in the very back corner and you can't see it from the main parking lot.

I got to her suite and sat in the waiting room by myself.  She came out and introduced herself and had me fill out some paperwork.  She then called me back to her office and we started talking all about my dieting history.  I don't think that she was expecting it to be so extensive!  LOL!  It took us most of the appointment to talk about all that I had done, Weight Watchers, fad diets, Weight Watchers, Optifast, JoAnn, surgery, Weigh Down, Weight Watchers, My Fit Foods.  She told me that she could tell that I was a professional dieter and she was sure that I knew how to keep a good journal and weigh and measure my food.  She said that she would rank me in the top 10 of her clients.  LOL!

She went on to tell me that she did not believe in diets.  She told me that people with eating disorders do not need rules.  Rules can make you binge.  She said that her approach was that all food was good food and there was no bad foods.  She pulled out a copy of the newest food pyramid, you know the one that looks like a plate, and she told me that she wanted me to eat 3 meals a day and wanted me to structure my meals to look like that plate.  She also told me that she wanted me to have 2 snacks a day and that I could decide when I wanted them.  She told me that the snacks should consist of two things.  She said "like strawberries and yogurt" or "some almonds with fruit" but the snacks must consist of "two somethings".  I told her that I could do that.

She also gave me about 8 pages for me to work on for my next visit.  It was a listing of foods, next to the foods were six columns. They were: Like, Dislike, Safe, Not Safe, Binge, Binge and Purge.  She told me the Safe and Not Safe columns were for foods that dieting taught me were safe foods to eat and foods that I should avoid.  Humm...I thought to myself, this is going to be interesting and this is going to take some time because of the like, dislike, safe and not safe columns.  At least I had a week to work on the list.

She then told me about how she wanted me to Journal my food.  She told me that there was a App that I could download if I had a smart phone and if I didn't I could get to it on-line.  It is called Recovery Record.  She pulled it up on her computer so that I could see what it looked like.  As we talked I downloaded it to my phone to make sure that I had the right one.  The app is for Droid or Apple.  I really encourage you to take a look at it.  It is really cool.  It asks you questions like if you are angry, sad, joyful, guilty and you rate how much, you can journal your thoughts and feels and it gives you a place for you to type in what you have eaten.  Kathy gave me her client code to plug into my App which allows her to be able to access my records at any time and see how I am doing.  Pretty cool isn't it.  It also gives you some encouragements after you log your meals.  It is very uplifting.  It will also email you encouragements from other users using the App but the App does it all and it assigns you a incognito name.  I have really enjoyed the App and getting the encouragements.  They have been great!

So she asked me if I had any questions and I asked her again about weighing and measuring and she told me to try and not to.  So I told her o.k. I would try.  She also told me that if she had to she would get after me which I thought was great because I'm paying her lots of money.  She told me that if it upset me to remember that I said many times during our visit that "I want to be healthy!"  We ended our session there.

I went through that week feeling all kind of guilty.  We still ate out as I had a hard time getting to the store and getting "proper food" into the house.  It is also the time of year where Mark and I love to go out and look at Christmas lights so that means eating out a lot!  I finally got to the store and I'm telling you I barely made it all the way through and got checked out and back to the car.  I cried all the way home because I was in so much pain.  I called Mark and told him and he talked and calmed me down and assured me that if I couldn't get the cold stuff in and put up that he would come home and do it.  However, I sat in the car for a few minutes and I managed to get everything out of my SUV and into the house and put up.  I was exhausted and my knees and ankles were killing me!

I kept up with my journal and I logged my thoughts and feelings and I was ready to see Kathy the next week good or bad.  I know that this is going to be a learning process.  It is going to be a interesting, yet different journey!

Back To It!

I'm still reeling but I know that I must go on!  Dang this is just smarts!  I would covet your prayers as I find my way through this mess with my parents!

Now on with the story...

The day after seeing Anna I was doing a lot of thinking about my upcoming appointment with Kathy.  It brought back memories of working with my Optifast Dietican Dr. JoAnn Lichten.  I loved working with her.  She taught me a lot.  Anyway, I went out to her website and I found all kinds of little videos that she has done from TV segments and starting watching them.  They were great.  She talked about eating at different fast-food restaurants and what to eat.  There were other videos about other things.  I spent the afternoon watching away and by the evening I decided that I would call her and let her know what was going on in my life.  We have always kept in touch over the years.  I love her to pieces!  Every time she writes a book she sends me a autographed copy.  I was seeing her when she wrote her first book Dining Lean and she has since updated it many times.  JoAnn is no longer seeing clients but she travels all over the country giving talks and she is writing a new book right now called Re-boot!  I know that it will be great!

I called but I was expecting to get her answering machine because I knew that the number I had was her business.  She shocked me by answering the phone.  She saw my name and grabbed it.  How lucky was that?  Anyway she asked what I was up to and I brought her up to speed about me quitting Weight Watchers, wanting to learn how to eat clean, eating My Fit Foods and that I was headed back to seeing a private dietician.  I told her about Kathy.  She didn't know Kathy but I told her that Kathy knew about her.  She chuckled.

JoAnn, proceeded to tell me that diets don't work and I told her that was the same thing that Kathy stood for.  I told her that she was a specialist in eating disorders and then JoAnn shocked me by saying "I didn't know you have an eating disorder.  Why didn't you ever tell me?"  I reminded her of where I was when I last saw her and that I was in the "I don't know why I'm so fat because I don't eat very much." denial mode.  She was so disappointed that I couldn't tell her.  She goes on to tell me that she too has a eating disorder and she could have helped me.  OMG!  I about died to think that back in 1989 if I could have admitted that I was binging that she could have helped me.

JoAnn told me that she remembered that I had problems with my mom growing up.  I confirmed that and she asked me if she had ever told me her story.  I told her no.  She told me a similar story to my own that involved her Father.  She told me that when she was old enough to leave home she got as far away from him as she could.  They too have had problems in their relationship as adults.  She told me that recently she had to set a pretty tough boundary with her parents  She told me that they were no longer welome into her home.  She told me that she would see them and visit with them but that they could no longer stay at her house.  She shared with me that they were fixing to come for a visit and she was hoping that they would remember their conversation otherwise she was prepared to tell them again.  She told me self protection and boundaries were important!

She went on to tell me that eating disorders derive from things missing in one's life.  That is why people turn to food because they are trying to fill that need.  She said for her it was the lack of positive connection from her Father.  She asked me if we had ever talked about affirmations and  told her that I didn't remember.  She told me that she had to make a list of things that she wished that her Dad could have said to her.  Things like, she's beautiful, she's smart, she is talented, she is witty and the list went on.  She told me that she had to write it all out and learn it.  She said that when her desire was to go eat when she was down and feeling bad she would go and take a walk and repeat her affirmations.  She also offered me the tid bit that if the weather was bad that the shower worked well also because you can't eat food in a shower.  That blew me away.  I had never heard of such a thing!  I told JoAnn that she should have been a psychologist and she laughed at me.  She said that it ended her binge eating  She told me that diets don't work with people who have eating disorders because taking away things and making them "not good" will cause someone to eat "bad" when the sad, stressful times come.  It all made so much sense to me.  I was blown away.  We talked a few minutes about other stuff and we hung up.  She also told me clean eating is a diet because of all the rules.  She said that chemicals were not going to kill me.  Interesting that she called it a diet but I can kinda see that.  The jury is out in the chemical part though.

I couldn't quit thinking about JoAnn's affirmation list.  It just made so much sense to me.  Thoughts started pour through my brain of things that I wished I could have heard from my parents but I never did.  I told myself that this is something that I need to tell Anna about and it was something that I wanted to explore.  I really think that this could be part of the missing link for me.

I went through the weekend and the following week thinking about the things that JoAnn told me.  I didn't keep my food log like Kathy asked me to.  I emailed her and told her that I hadn't and she wrote me back and said that it was o.k.  I was excited about seeing her and seeing what she was going to have to say to me.

Stay tuned....

Sidetracked!!!

I'm sorry but I feel like I need to write about this.  I think that I have had the worse day of my life.  I recently wrote about having the worse Thanksgiving and visit with my parents but it really didn't end there.  After they went home my mother and I had some bad phone conversations.  I don't know for the life of me why she is so negative and has such venom.  One conversation I had was her telling me that they were not going to come back Christmas.  I was o.k. with that being that they had just been here and having gone through all that I did when they were here.  I simply made the comment that I would mail them their packages and she went off on me, telling me how ridiculous that was and how they didn't need anything and how they didn't want to exchange gifts at Christmas.  Well, I'm here to tell you that I don't give to receive, I give because I'm led to give and my gift is giving and I give to people that I love and care about all the time.  Ask my friends.  Anyway, I was shocked and furious about how she was going on so I ended the conversation before it had a chance to get worse or I said something I would regret.  That week we had a couple more conversations not on that topic but they ended up with her attacking me.

Last Sunday, my Dad and I were talking and we got into a heated conversation about Thanksgiving and all that happened.  It escalated to my mother and the ordeal about Christmas.  It went to other things besides that.  I think that I had written about either on the website way back when that I grew up feeling like my parents loved my brother more than me and at times I felt like they didn't love me at all.  Well, my Dad and I got on this subject and it was pretty intense.  I didn't hold back any of my feelings because that is what counseling has taught me.  When I was young my Dad worked shift-work and he wasn't around all that much.  It pretty much left my mother in control all the time.  She was difficult all the time.  I know as an adult that my mother has problems and has needed counseling.  All of this my Dad and I discussed.  We talked about all the negative comments that she use to tell me as a child such as "I'd be pretty if I wore make-up", "Why didn't I want to dress up like Brenda (my best friend)" things like that.  This has continued to adulthood worrying about what I'm wearing on a Alaskan cruise that my parents took us on for their 50th wedding anniversary, what was I wearing to my nieces wedding, she told me she was ashamed of me and the way I looked.  I never got any warm fuzzies from my mother.  Needless to say for some dumb reason she decided to pick up another phone while my Dad and I were talking and she heard all that I had to say.  I said nice things and not so nice things.  I've been angry since Thanksgiving.

Last week, my Dad and I ended our conversation with my decision that wouldn't call early in the morning like I normally do.  My mom is not in a good mood when she gets up and frankly I feel like she is never in a god mood.  I must tell you that she bitches at my Dad 24-7 because he can't do anything right and he is a pain in her ass.  My poor Dad!  So, we pretty much wrapped up our conversation and hung up.

I didn't call this week till Friday around noon as I was fixing to get ready to go to the Dr.  They didn't answer so I left a message.  It was real strange but they didn't call back.  Yesterday I tried calling around noon and I got the recorder but I didn't leave a message.  I called around 3 and my Dad answered the phone.  Here is my devastation...

After we said "Hello" and I asked how they were and that I thought it was odd that they didn't return my call, my Dad informs me that they had a horrible week.  He tells me that during our last conversation Mom picked up the phone and listened to it all.  He said it was not good when we hung up and that my mother was devastated.  He goes on to tell me that they had come to the decision that they had been good parents to me and that I was the one screwed up.  He told me that until I healed that they did not want to hear from me again.  That's right, you read that right, they do no want to hear from me again.  I held my composure and I don't know how.  I did cry a little and I'm feeling intense pain.  I told my Dad that they just put the icing on my cake.  I really do feel like they don't love me, haven't loved me, wonder why they had me.  I have so many screwed up thoughts going on in my head right now.  But get this, my Dad tells me that if I need anything to call.  Call?  You are telling me not to call until I heal, that you have never done anything wrong in my life, that I am the one full of crap but if I need anything to call.  I don't freaking think so.  I tried telling my Dad that even Mark could see how different they treated me when my brother is around.  He would hear it, he just told me that I was full of crap.  I ended up handing the phone to Mark and Mark and my Dad talked and I just continued to spiral down to the pit of hell.

I can tell you my first words to Mark was that I was going to commit suicide.  The pain was that bad.  I wanted to go and drive my car up a telephone pole.  It doesn't help that I have my depression meds messed up and I'm on a low dosage right now working my way back up.  I asked Mark if he was pulled in behind me and he told me no and I told him that I was going to go and take a drive.  Luckily I sat here for a bit and not sure how but I fell asleep for a while.  I guess it was the grace of God.  I woke up extremely sad and broken.  What a Christmas!  What a day!

I did text Anna and told her what happened.  She is booked this week but told me that if I needed her to call her.  She told me that she would call me if she had a cancellation.  She told me that she thinks that my parents are angry right now but she thinks that ultimately they will still be in my life but in a healthier way.  Well, I hope she is right.  Right now all I can think about is them not wanting to hear from me and then one of them dying or both under these circumstances.  What do I say to my brother and my nieces about this.  If my parents come up that I can't be there?  All kinds of strange thoughts and feelings are running through my head.

Mark did get me out of the house for pizza and to go look at Christmas lights.  I did eat a half of a large pizza and a half of a one pound bag of peanut M&M's.  I think that will be all to my binging.  Pray for my hurting heart.

I'll be back on track tomorrow when I tell you more about Kathy and my new journey.  Thanks for letting me share.

Finding Kathy!

So after reeling and binging, I knew that I had to do something.  I seriously thought about returning to Weight Watchers but I just could not get my head wrapped around it again.  I knew that I didn't have to go back to Mike's class and that there were others out there but just going back to something that I felt like had stopped working for me was just too much to handle.  I pondered about other programs but the thought of any more packaged dinners also didn't ease my mind.

One afternoon I decided to search for a Nutritionist.  I thought maybe I should just bite the bullet and work with someone that could definitely get me on the track to "Clean Eating".  I Googled "Woodlands Nutritionist" and a few popped up.  The first one that I looked at sounded really interesting.  She was with a "Wellness Group".  That didn't bother me if I could see her without doing all the other "Wellness" stuff that they offered.  The attraction to this one was that she offered "modules" that you could take, such as "Good Carbs/Bad Carbs", "Grocery Shopping", "What's in our Food", "Obstacles in Weight Loss", "Making the Lifestyle Change" and more.  I felt like I could take all of those modules, so I emailed them to find out pricing information.  They emailed me back pretty quickly and the pricing wasn't terrible so I called to ask further questions.  When setting up the appointment, they asked me what medications I was on.  As I went down the list the girl kept telling me that they could get me off of them.  That was huge red flags for me.  I'm not into holistic medicine at all  I kept telling her that I just wanted to talk to the nutritionist nnd she kept telling me that I could but that I would have to become an established patient first.  She emailed me a couple of articles on Thyroid function and Adrenal Glands, along with all the paperwork that I would need to fill out and bring with me.  I could see very plainly that this was going to get me into something that I did not want so I emailed them back and cancelled my appointment.

I felt lost again.  Dang, I felt like that would have been such a great place to get some great help.  The modules is what got my interest the most.  I went back out to Google again and searched for Woodlands Dietician and The Woodlands Eating Disorder Clinic came up.  Low and behold it was a clinic that Anna told me about last Spring when I was thinking about going into rehab.  I clicked on their Nutrition Tab and there was Kathy Veath, a RN plus a Nutritionist, had 12 years in treating people with eating disorders, the thing that stood out for me was "Binging".  I thought to myself, but again I have to get involved in the whole clinic and I already have Anna and I didn't want to give her up so I went back to my Google page and there was Kathy's name separate from the clinic.  Low and behold she sees people outside of the clinic.  I was so excited.  I read her full website and I knew that I was on to something really good.  I emailed Kathy to find out her pricing and to get more information.  I didn't hear back from her till late that night.  She is expensive as it was $120 for the first visit and then each visit is $80.  Stated that insurance may not cover it.

The next day I had Anna so I called Kathy on the way to see Anna.  I was able to get an appointment for the following Wednesday.  She just asked me to keep a food journal and bring it with me.  When I told Anna about what I was doing she was happy as well.

So...tomorrow I will fill you in on one more thing that happened before seeing Kathy for the first time and my first visit with Kathy.  It will be good so stop back by.

Things Changing!

If you have been popping out here in the last few days then you have seen the blog changing.  Thanks to a great designer, Becky at The Cutest Blog On The Block, she has helped me make the blog transform into something that I love!

I know that you all think that I have fallen off the face of the earth but rest assured I haven't.  Things went south with My Fit Foods.  I struggled, I was sick and everyday was a challenge but more than anything I wanted to make it work with that program.  By Thanksgiving I was so nauseated I just wanted to stop eating all together.  It was bad!

I did lose a total of 30 lbs. on that adventure.  Have I kept it off?  No!

Thanksgiving was the worse one in my life.  For those of you who have followed me through the years then you know the issues I have with my family, especially my mom.  She was in rare form when they were here Thanksgiving.  As soon as they left I headed for the food.  I have managed to keep off about 12 lbs of the 30 that I lost.  There is no need to go into what happened but it was the final blow in my life where my parents are concerned.  The weird thing is with my Dad I do feel his love and have felt it during my life.  Lately my Mom has started wearing off on him and he has started some of her same shenanigans!  This visit, after the binge, getting in to see Anna as fast as I could after they left (2 appointments in a week!) and then ensuing drama for the last few weeks and another blow this past weekend, I am ready to let this whole life long battle go.  I love my parents, they have been good to me, given me everything that I wanted physically but failed to give me what I needed emotionally and that was love and acceptance.  Things don't love.  Words and actions do.

I'm done.  It is time for Laura to take care of Laura.  It is time  for Laura to heal.  It is time for Laura to learn how to love herself and boy that is what I am going to do.  I'll still see my parents, I will talk to them like always but with a whole lot of boundaries.  Lots of them.  They are not going to be able to hurt me anymore.  PERIOD!

Now on to the bigger news.  With all the goings on surrounding Thanksgiving and the ending of my journey with My Fit Foods.  I was lost.  I struggled as to what to do as far as my weight loss journey.  The thought of going back to Weight Watchers made me want to gag.  Surgery is out and will always remain out for me.  I had never felt so lost as to what to do with losing this weight.

I decided to look for a nutritionist and I really do believe with all my heart that I have found the best.  I have so much to say about Kathy, the newest member of my medical team!!!

Want to hear more?  Stop by tomorrow as I will start to catch you up as to what has happened over the last two weeks!  It is good!  You will want to hear!

Feeling Better Each Day!

I am loving this Fit Foods.  It is truly amazing but more so is how much better I'm feeling eating clean.  Even Mark says that he is feeling better each day.  I can only imagine how we will both feel when we get our bodies detoxed of all the bad food we have eaten all the time.  Each day we find ourselves content with the food and more determined to afford what we are doing.  It is a good thing right now we have some extra money that his sweet Momma left us.  We have invested  most of it but we have some extra left out to help with further expenses until we are able to totally settle her estate.  Thank you so much Nannie!!!!

Yesterday I woke up with allergy and a horrible headache.  I kept thinking that I would feel better so that I could write this blog but I just kept sleeping on and off.  I nearly messed up my eating schedule.  Last night when I laid down I felt like I was drowning and I kept coughing till I finally got up and went into the media room and curled up in one of the recliners and finally got some rest.  Luckily today I don't have the headache. 

I do want to share with you what My Fit Food had in their book that I got for doing the 21-Day Challenge.  It shocked me and I bet it will shock you and even make you think about giving up coffee.

Here it is:


Artificial Stimulants

Most Americans go through the day feeling like their energy is drained.  Instead of grabbing a shot of coffee or a energy drink, there are much better and safer ways to achieve  feeling of high energy.  Artificial stimulants slow down you natural metabolism, congest your liver, dehydrate your body, cause headaches and prolong mood swings (depression).  And by the way, did I mention that most are addictive?  Although your body will have an adjustment period when you stop using thee stimulants, the natural genuine energy boosters in your meals will soon prevail!  Artificial stimulants include:  sugar, chocolate, coffee, tea, soda, tobacco and caffeine.

America's Favorite Stimulant:  Caffeine:

Excess use of caffeine can set up a very addictive mood roller coaster.  Caffeine zaps your body's natural energy supply, making you even more hooked on the stimulant as you "crash."  The more you use, the more your body becomes dependent.

Negative Aspects of Caffeine:

1.  Caffeine raises blood sugar and cortisol levels.
2.  Both regular coffee and decaf have been linked to an increased risk of heart disease.
3.  Caffeine promotes the breakdown of the blood vessels in the eyes, leading to poor eyesight.
4.  Coffee contains as many as 200 different pesticides.  Formaldehyde is a chemical used to strip caffeine out of decaf coffee--No decaf lease!
5.  Caffeine is a diuretic.  Dehydration contributes to slowing down the metabolsim.
6.  Coffee is highly acidic to the body.
7.  One cup of coffee raises cortisol for up to 14 hours.  Chronically high cortisol affects insulin levels and cause a rise in hunger as well as fat storage.

Caffeine headaches are due to:

Nutritional Biochemist Stephen Cherniske said.  "A caffeine deprivation (withdrawal) headace results from the normal opening (dilation) of blood vessel that are constricted by caffeine.  Caffeine intake keeps blood vessels in the brain constricted."  The headache is normal blood flow returning to the brain!

Use Green Tea Extract ad Vitami C to help offset the withdraw syptoms associated with elimiating caffeine.

Lovallo, W., et al. Cortisol Response to Mental Stress, Exercise and Meals Following Caffeine Intake in Men and Women." Pharmacology Biochemistry and Behavior 83, no 3 (March 2006)


I will share more about this and how it affected my mind tomorrow. 

I did cancel my workout with Larissa today and I thought that I hoped that I would feel better last night but I didn't.  I hope to go today on my own.  If I don't quit writing and go get in the shower I am never going to get anything done!

Wishing you all a wonderful day!

Oh My Gosh!

I do apologize for being late in getting this written.  Yesterday was such a busy day.  I had a busy morning but I did get my breakfast in on time and my snack before I had to head out to train with Larissa.  I just love her to death.  She is so good and motivates me so much.  Yesterday my lower back was bothering me (probably from my big rear-end) and she told me that we needed to strengthen my lower back muscle so we worked on that for a bit.  She had me lean against one of those big balls against a wall and hold 10 lb weights in each hand and then I did just normal squats.  She then removed the ball and had me bend slowly over and slowly drop the weights down to my feet and then slowly come up.  It sounds really easy but it wasn't after about the 10th rep but it sure felt good to my back.  We did some upper body weights and then we stretched and then I went home.

I got home and drank my protein shake and started getting ready for my consultation at My Fit Foods.  I was real excited about that.  I could tell by my Body Bugg that I wasn't doing something right because my total fats were over 70 grams and one day my sodium was too high.  My protein had been really high as well.  There must be more to this than just picking out 3 meals and a snack.  I ate lunch before I went and was awesome.  It was grilled shrimp with dirty rice and it had a couple sticks of asparagus on the top of it.  It was spicy and oh so good!

I got down to My Fit Foods and had to wait for Daniel as he was finishing up with another couple who had signed up for a 21 day challenge.  When he finally got through we discussed so many things.  What I had been eating over the last few weeks and he told me that he wasn't a Dr. and he wasn't going to yell at me but it was important that I tell him the truth so he could better know how to guide me to get the best benefit of the 21 Day Challenge.  He had a small book that we went through that had so much information in it.  Some of the things it talked about was drinking coffee and why it is important to give it up and I'm telling you when I read what it said I looked at him and said "I'm Done!"  It totally grossed me out and made me wonder if drinking coffee was one of the reasons why I wasn't losing weight very well  I can tell you this, we are going t find out.  We also went over sugar substitutes and what they do to our bodies and that was pretty gross as well.  They had a article that they did on their Facebook page about diet sodas and all that was bad for our bodies and metabolism.  They went on to tell that the did their own experiment with a can of Diet Sprite.  It took 40 bottles of their perfectly pH balanced water to bring that can of Diet Sprite into balance.  Does that gross you out or what?  I do plan to copy what they said about the coffee probably in tomorrow's blog.  This is all so new and interesting to me and I want to share it!

We finished up and we loaded up my car with bottles, supplements and food and they sent me on my way.  My brain and body were tired by the time I got home and got the food unloaded in the refrigerator.  Mark got home and we had dinner and then I went over with him all that I had learned and he was surprised by all the information that they had given me.  He then went out to the refrigerator and sorted out the meals and days for the two of us and brought today's food in and put it in the refrigerator in the house.  He went to bed and I wasn't far behind.!

Stay tuned!  There is lots of information to share!!!

I'm so glad that I have made my way back!  It feel so good!!!!

I'm Such A Liar! Today It All Changes I Swear!!!

I had to actually and read my own blog to figure out what I have written about and what I haven't.  That is terrible!

Lot's of different things have been happening.  I'm just going to list them and not elaborate on them and then we will get down to the real stuff.  I'm not going to try and give dates but when I end this day you all will be caught up and we can move on and get back to business of losing weight.

My niece and her Partner started having problems since Patrick was born.  I knew some of it once they brought him home from the hospital.  I felt like it was normal but then about a month ago Meredith (my niece) call and needed to talk.  She told me that she was scared that Shannon was going to end things with her.  I was shocked.  I talked with Meredith about them going to counseling and I called Anna to see if she had a referral for someone who works with gay couples.  She told me that she did and the rest is history.  They are seeing Anna but more recently Meredith is ready to ignore the real problem because things have gotten better between them and I told Meredith that she was making a big mistake.  The problem is Shannon and her relationship with her parents.  It is not normal for someone in their near mid 30's!  Enough said.  It just killed me and I cried bucket of tears and worried and ate over what might happen.

I was also grieving cutting my friendship off with Mike.  I miss the fun side of him but I don't miss the controlling side of him.  I'm sure with time it will hurt less and less and my thoughts will get less and less. 

I also found out around this time that my brother is moving back to Houston.  Normal people would be happy and you all know that I'm not normal so...  Anyway I want to be happy about him moving back because this is my chance to work on our relationship if he will allow it.  He has been a little different towards me this last year so I'm really hoping.  The reality of it all is, here is where my parents make the change and when they come up they will be going to his house and we will be expected (notice I said expected) not invited to come over.  I hope there is a change there with my brother.  I know that my parents will never be back out to my house again.  That is just the way it is when Rob and I live in the same time.  I tried telling my parents that I was glad that he was moving back because I'm hoping that we can see more of each other.  Well guess what?  I got the standard lecture that he is busy, he doesn't really have time, he has his golfing, his kids, etc. etc.  Well I put my foot down and laid the law down.  I refuse to think that my brother and I can't get together at least a couple times a year away from family.  Rest assured that I will do everything I can to make it happen.

We are still having problems with Mark's middle sister and we have been going to Ft. Worth once a month to work on his mother's house.  I could right a book about this but will refrain from it on this blog.  My only question is "Why are we looking for flooring, carpet, counters, paint and fixtures when we need to finish going through things and get things ready for the Estate Sale.  OMG!

So, all summer long I started eating fast food for lunch and dinner when we didn't go out  More recently I added breakfast, so this past Wednesday I was at a all time high of 414.8 lbs.  You heard me!  Enough said, however let me say this I never binged I just ate like normal people do driving thru.

So on to the last two weeks.  I had my Remicade and the next day went up to Anna's to keep Patrick while they had their session with Anna and the next day met with Mark L. about my antidepressants.  He asked me how things were going and I just growled.  I told him all that was going on and told him that I felt like that I just had too much on my plate right now but that I didn't feel depressed.  The more I talked to him about all the things going on I started to cry.  When I got through he told me that I was depressed and was I taking all my meds.  I told him that I had been and truly I have been.  He ended up doubling my Wellbutrin and I have to go back next month.  At the end of our meeting he asked if I was working out and I told him the latest about JD which he is still having heart problems but more recently they had found a dark spot on his heart.  I told him that again we had gotten inconsistent about our workouts.  He told me to change trainers.  He told me to get it done by Friday and then asked if I understood.  I told him yes.

On Thursday I went and saw Anna and we talked about how I was feeling about Mike, my meeting with Mark and the changes he made.  She had also given me an assignment to list everything positive about being over-weight a few weeks ago and we took a look at another thing on the list.  I will tell you that has been the hardest thing that she has ever had me do.  It really has opened another "Pandora's box" if you ask me.  I didn't know that I had such feelings inside.  I'm not sure yet if I will share or not but I would encourage you to get in a quiet place and do it for yourself.  I'll give you my first thing...it protects me from hurtful people because if you are willing to get to know me now while I'm fat you'll be there for me when I'm thin.  I had 11 or 12 things on the list!  Getting back to the session I had with Anna she agreed that I needed to change trainers.  Oh boy!

That afternoon I called the gym and I got a hold of Johnathon who is the supervisor over the trainers  I told him what had been going on with JD and my training.  I also told him that I felt that I was more responsible for cancelling with him than he with me.  I just told him that we seem to have 4 good sessions and then one of us takes a break.  I told Johnathon that I was not trying to get JD in trouble but my weight was now over 400 lbs, I was insulin resistant and my blood sugar was 110.  I told him that I had to get something going or I was going to lose my life.  He agreed.  He said that he would recommend me having a female trainer and that he had someone in mind for me.  He suggested that we meet and see if things would work out for us.  I told him that I wanted to meet with her with JD not in the gym and he said that he could arrange that.  He arranged a meeting between me and Larissa for this past Monday.

I went to the gym and met with Larissa and we really did hit it off together.  She is from Russia and her accent at times makes it hard for me to understand her with my hearing disability but she is ok with having to repeat herself for me.  I told her that JD bored me with my workouts because we did the same thing over and over.  I told her that I liked a challenge and I like things mixed up if that was possible.  She promised me that I would not get bored with my workouts.  I also told her that I work better with encouragement than barking at me.  I told her that JD had me doing dancing with the Wii Fit and boxing with weights and she told me that she wanted me to stop that.  She wants me in the gym every single day.  She also told me that she wanted to work with me 3 days a week in the beginning until we can get a quality of life back.  She told me on our off days that she wanted me in the gym doing my cardio.  She is starting me at 30 minutes and that we would slowly work up to a hour.  I was real happy with her approach and I felt comfortable that she was not going to try and kill me like JD had.

She also showed me weight loss results of some of her other clients.  She asked me if I had ever heard of My Fit Foods and I told her that JD had mentioned it to me back when they came and visited them at the gym.  I told her he had given me a pamphlet but I had thrown in away because he seemed uninterested in them and was not impressed.  She told me all about them and encouraged me to try them out for a while.  She told me that they were expensive but it would help me until she could get me back to the point that I could really start caring for myself and getting around better.  I have really gotten to the point that it is very hard for me to walk any distance and it was hard for me to stand for any length of time.  It has been awful and I guess I just didn't want to come out here and confess that.  I really got to the point that I didn't know what to do with myself.  I had a plan but I didn't have the strength to carry it out.

I worked out with her on Wednesday for the first time.  She was awesome and patient and very concerned about me and my comfort.  She told me that she was surprised that I was stronger than she thought I was.  The workout was totally different than JD ever did with me and I liked it because it all was something that I could do.  She let me have breaks to sit and she encouraged me to drink my water as we worked out and JD couldn't stand it when I took water breaks.  I left the gym a little sore all over but as the day went on I was really sore in my back and it just got worse.  I was suppose to go in at 2:00 on Thursday to do my cardio and she was going to be there for me to help me get started and have some things that I could do but I called her and she decided for me to take a break and rest so that I would be able to work out on Friday which I did and that workout was different as well.  Love it!  Great change!  Should have had her all along!

OK, this is getting long but I wanted to tell you that Mark and I did go and get a dinner from My Fit Foods and Oh My Stars was it ever good.  They do nothing but "clean food" which you all know I have gotten really interested in.  The meal was ever bit as good as any meal you would get in a high class restaurant.  Needless to say day by day I added more of their meals and now Mark is fully on board with me to do it all as well so that he can get his weight back down.  This is answered prayer.  It is expensive and it will probably cost both of us about $1500 a month but I bet if you add all the eat outs and fast food meals we have been eating we probably have spent way over that.  Right now we are committed totally and we will have to see what happens down the road as we go.  I will tell you more about My Fit Foods as we go along.  They have locations all over Texas, Oklahoma, Idaho, California and Arizona.  They are growing.  I feel so lucky because the first store started here in Houston back in 2007.  I have a funny story to share with ya'll tomorrow.  I will post!  I promise.  We have finally gotten the journey started again.  Thanks for hanging in there with me!!!!

Gearing Up!!!

I have been busy with Karen and also my neighbor and high school friend Rae the last couple of weeks.  I had such a good time with Karen and this surprise visit will be treasured.  At least this time we both didn't cry when we said our good-byes.  We hugged each other like we didn't want to ever let go.  We really got to catch up and share so much about the goings on in each others lives and we shopped and we ate out and tried our best to keep it as healthy as we could.  She gave me a lot of support while she was here and she gave me a good talkin' to!  I needed it.  I bought us matching Pandora charms for our bracelets that were a puffy heart with a purple stone since we both love the color purple.  Mine will have to wait till I lose enough weight to be able to add it.  This is a good incentive for me.

I have gone back to seeing JD and he is about to kill me!  No treadmill but he is using the Recumbant Bike and the first day I could only go 40 seconds.  Now I'm up to 3 minutes so I am making progress!  We sat down in a chair the first couple of times and I just did hand weights and a stretch rope.  That has really help me get a routine to do at home with weights and he had me buy a set of 5 lb weights and I purchased those when Karen was here.  Karen actually went to the gym with me the last day that we had together.  She met JD and she liked him.  She shopped at JC Penney's while I worked out.  We had a spat that morning because he wanted to cancel on me but I stood my ground and even asked him if he would like for me to get a different trainer and he decided that he felt a whole lot better.  He about killed me that day.  I actually had to sit for a bit because I was shaking so bad and I wanted to throw up!  He has never worked me out to that point.  We are getting along and as long as he doesn't try to cancel on me I will keep him but if he tries to cancel on me then I will change trainers.

Have not heard a peep out of Mike for a month now and I can't tell you how much better I'm starting to feel.  I won't lie and tell you that I don't miss him but there are times that I do but it is getting easier.  It is all for the best.  I'm seeing more clearly how toxic our friendship was!  I do however miss Sandy like crazy but I figure that we will never be able to be friends because of him.  There is no telling what he is out saying about me.  He truly has to win and be top dog all the time.  Remember he never does anything wrong and "Mikey is always right!"  Bullshit!

Tomorrow is Mark's birthday and this weekend we are kinda celebrating that.  I am using portion control but I'm not tracking.  I have been retaining a lot of fluid because I have been so busy I haven't been able to take it.  I have been so miserable!  Today I lost 7 lbs so far and I know that there is more fluid to come off. 

Monday is the day that I start Phase One!  As soon as I post this I am going to create a page and get My Life Plan posted for all of you to see.  All my Dr.'s and Anna and JD are all on board with it and I have had all my friends think that it is great!  I'm feeling good about it because it is my plan and not anyone telling me what to do and how to do it!  I know that this is going to work.

So...starting Monday you will be hearing from me on a daily basis once again.  I'm excited to start Phase One and I'm excited to see the results.  I'm ready!!!

One last thing!  I didn't realize that I had my comments set where it is a pain to post.  I have since changed the settings so post away.

Catching Up Again!

I know that I keep letting you all down and I'm so sorry.  I have had so much going on! 

I got to have lunch with a sweet friend who I met on the Internet and finally got to put a face with a name and I was so blessed by meeting her and getting to know each other further.  We said that we would have lunch together soon and I hope we can again really soon.  She is just the sweetest person and has really blessed me knowing her over the last several years.

Secondly, my best friend who moved to Norway back in January had a death in her family and will be in town till September 6.  Another huge blessing to me!  I got to see her the first time last Thursday.  She has lost what I have gained.  I have never seen Karen so small!  She looks fantastic and has really motivated me.  Like all of you who support me she is very concerned about me.  We just had lunch together but this next week we are spending Monday, Wednesday and Thursday with each other and I'm sure the following week will be the same. I know that I will have to go through missing her all over again but I also know that she will be coming back November or December for a few weeks.  I'm hoping that because she flew here on her own that maybe next year she will consider to come back and spend a month here getting to see family and friends outside of her husband's vacation time.  HOPING!!!

I haven't gotten to meet up with JD because he has been sick with a bad cold and awful congestion.  Since I just had my Remicade my immune system is at it's lowest so I'm hoping by this coming Tuesday that we will be able to start my training again. This week I started my plan but I have had a rough go of it.  Monday I had Remicade and was gone most of the day and when I got home I fell asleep.  Eating was good, in fact I missed lunch that day so my calories were only about 1,000 or so calories.  Tuesday I met my friend and we went to Luby's and I did really well and after we met I had to run a couple of errands and then I had an appointment to get the Keratin treatment done on my hair.  I missed lunch that day too.  Not good.  Wednesday I had to be at the Dr.'s early to finish up my annual physical.  I'll give you the results later.  After I saw him I had to run Mark his lunch and then I had to go to the court house to get my handicap placard for my car.  Yes, I need one at times.  I'm not going to use it unless I really need to like when I go see Anna I have to walk around the building and then walk back to the back of the building once I'm inside.  It is a haul and my knees and ankles can't take it.  I was so hungry that day because I missed breakfast I did not make a good choice for lunch but my dinner was a good choice.  I'm sure that my calories were over 2500 that day.  Thursday I got to meet up with Karen after I saw Anna and we had Chinese food and pretty much after that meal I just felt like giving up.  Thursday dinner was BBQ and then Friday we headed up to Ft. Worth and my choices while we have been here have been good at times and bad at times.  I can't wait to get back home in my own environment!  I don't know what next week will bring with Karen being here but I know that she will help me.  She always has.

I'm still miserable!

Now on to the results of my physical.  My EKG was normal so I was happy about that.  Of course my blood work showed that I'm low on B-12 which I'm giving myself weekly injections and my vitamin D is low which the Dr. called in mega D pills for me to take for 6 weeks.  I already know from my oncologist that my iron level is low but not to the point of anemia and she will decide next month rather to give me a iron IV or not.  I did find out that I am insulin resistant but my numbers are not too high.  My Dr. believes that the last 30 lbs that I have gained has caused this.  He said that he truly believes that my numbers will go back down with my weight loss and he is really happy about my plan to lose it.  My Rheumatologist also said that my plan was great on Monday!  He told me that normally they would treat it with Metforman but that can cause diarrhea and that isn't good for my crohns so for the next 3 months I need to stick to my plan and lose what I can and he is going to retest me then.  We didn't talk about my cholesterol which the last time I was tested it wasn't high but because of the high inflammation tat I have from crohn's and sjogren's they wanted me on cholesterol meds and I was a bad girl and quit taking them.  I admitted it to him last month and he told me not to start taking them until we finished my physical so I'm going to shoot him a email this weekend and find out what those results were and what he wants me to do.

So gang, this is my wake-up call.  While things are not bad things are starting to go awry and I don't want to add another medical issue to my list.  Oh yes, the Dr. also said that he didn't want to add the Metforman because of all the other meds and supplements that I have to take unless he has to.  He said that I am at the point it is scary to have to add any more meds because of all that I have to take.  So...it's time for Laura to get serious and she plans to!

We are up in Ft. Worth this weekend to work on Mark's Mom's house.  His sister and him turned the weekend into a shopping spree to look for new light fixtures for the house when it is ready to go on the market.  If they don't get serious about going through her stuff her house is never going to hit the market.  I've been a bit upset this weekend because I came to work but I have pretty much just sat around because I can get around well enough to shop!  We are going home today and I will be so happy to get there!

I swear that I am going to get back to daily or at least every other day writing on this blog so I will quit having such long posts!

Thanks for having patience with me and thanks for wanting to keep up with me!

Later!

I have been such a mess!!!!

I truly have not realized that it has been two weeks since I wrote on this blog.  I have truly been a mess.  I have had moment where I felt like my old self and other times I e felt like I was drowning in a deep dark hole.  In my last post I shared with you that Anna wanted me to write my own diet program.  Well this threw me for a loop.  I wavered back and forth as to if I could do that or do I just need to find another program to try.  I also have spent a lot of time thinking about my parents and the negativity that they bring into my equation.  I've thought about Mike and how even still being away from WW he still has too much a hold of my life.  I can tell you that there have been times that I have felt like I was spinning out of control.  And I ate and ate and ate and ate.  I had my last workout with JD two weeks ago two and walking on the treadmill for 20 minutes about killed me.  For the next 3 days I could barely walk my legs were hurting so bad and then my knees started hurting.  I have never had any knee pain.  I kept eating, in secret, when Mark was at work and hiding the evidence.  Sick! Sick!  Sick!  I have never seen myself in such emotional turmoil.

Last Thursday my meeting with Anna went really well and she made me feel better about writing my own program and following it.  We also talked about me getting a good support group going and she sweetly told me that she would be here to cheer me on.  That was one thing that has been bothering me is having someone locally to be a buddy and cheer each other on  That is what I miss the most out of my WW meetings!  Being with people in the same boat trying to reach a goal.  I left determined to write my own program, set some new boundaries and start praying for someone locally who could cheer me on.  I know that I have all of you and trust me you all mean the world to me but I only have a connection with a few who do read this blog, some of you I don't even know.  I just see your location hit my stats.  I always say a prayer for you and I always wish that I could know each of you better and more personally. 

Last Friday morning I had to go and have some blood work done for a physical that I have coming up this coming Wednesday.  I decided to call my Dad and talk to him about their recent visit and things that were sad.  We talked about 45 minutes, the length of time it took to drive to my Dr.'s office.  It was a hard conversation and at times it was uncomfortable and times we fought.  I did get my point across and that was I was no longer going to take their policing my diet and being negative about my weight and more importantly who Laura really is.  In a nutshell because I don't want to make this too long I told him that I needed and wanted them to love me for who I am now, accept me where I am at now, acknowledge my true talents and get off of me about my weight with all their negative comments and conversations.  I told him that I was afraid of them passing on and me not having closure to our problems.  He assured me that they love me and he could see what they were doing was bad and wrong and that he would talk to my Mom and they would stop it and would support me for who I am.  I told him and made him understand that no one was more concerned about the weight than I was and that I was going to work on it and I was determined to win the battle.

The second thing that happened last Friday was I waited to see if Mike would call like he normally does after he is through with his morning meetings.  He had not called me all week and after our conversation the last Saturday before I truly felt that he was playing games with me.  Another control function of his.  Well, I decided that I was done with games and since I was in the mode of getting some areas of my life going in the right direction I might as well just call it quits with our relationship, friendship whatever you want to call it.  I was freaking done with him.  I called him fully ready to talk to him but he ignored my call so I left him a message telling him that I was sick of his games and sick of his comments about the phone and that I was ending our friendship.  I really don't remember what else I might have said.  I then went to my phone settings and blocked his phone number.  Then my phone rang and it was him and I saw my phone reject the call.  He left me a message.  Before I could call to listen to that one I saw my phone reject his call again and he left message number two.  I listened to his messages and whined to me about not understanding, that I had broken his heart, to please call and talk to him, and how much it was out of character of me.  Well it is not out of character for me because I am slow to anger but when I blow you better be out of the way!  LOL!  It doesn't happen very often, in fact it is rare but I can be pushed to explode after a long time.  I was mad that he didn't take my call but could immediately listen to my message and immediately call me back.  His second message he told me that he didn't talk to anyone this past week because he had a very sick family member and then went on to shoot me down and want to know what he had done.  I figured since he could leave a message that maybe I could text him.  I texted him and told him that I would send him a letter.  He responded back that he didn't want a letter but he wanted to talk to me.  Well as far as I was concerned he had his chance.  I then text him and told him that I was sick of his comebacks and I was sick of him not letting me talk or listen.  I told him that I was tired of giving in to him, I told him that I was done taking crap from him like he throwing Sandy in my face as being a witness that I was the one always calling him.  That was bull!  I went on to tell him that he was a control freak and I was done with him controlling me.  There were some other things I said that I needed to get off my chest about him but you get the jest of what happened.  He texted me back saying that I took things wrong and I knew that he was fixing to start sweet talking me out of my anger like he always does so I CHOSE to ignore him.  I have not heard from him since.  It as been a week and I hope that it is forever!

This past week I ate more and more and tried to start writing my program for Anna and I would get started and delete it.  I could not find any self-confidence in trying to write anything that would resemble a weight loss program for myself.  At times I felt empowered and times I felt like I couldn't go on.  Times that I wanted to just die and times that I wanted to fight to live.  And yes I am taking my antidepressants!  I really felt like a yo-yo!  Well on Wednesday I wanted to throw in the towel and I started researching gastric surgery again.  I didn't know what else to do.  When Mark got home I told him that I wanted to seek out surgery again and he quickly told me that I would be signing my death certificate and told me that he knew that I could do this.  He told me that he would do anything to help me.  I pondered a program and he went to be and I tried to get the writing juices going and I couldn't and found myself sleepy so I went to bed and asked Mark to wake me when the alarm went off at 5:00 so that I could get up and write my program for Anna.

Needless to say that I didn't sleep well and I was awake about 4:45 a.m. so I got up and came and put my computer in my lap, played a few games on FB and then opened a Word Document and got started with a title of "Laura's Life Plan"  That is the name of the program.  Then I wrote on the Paper Phase One.  I struggled but knew that I had better have a plan done for my session.  Next I wrote down next to it Lose 20 lbs.  Starting Weight 395 lbs.  Ending Weight 375 lbs.  I knew that I am not getting around, knees and feet killing me, knew there was no way that I could cook and Mark was about to so next I wrote down was:  Eating Plan:  Prepackaged foods and no eating out except for Subway.  Calorie limit was 1500 Calories. Next I wrote down Exercise and I just sat there.  I just wanted to cry.  I wanted to delete it all because I feel so much like a complete failure.  I finally wrote down that I would do the Wii for 30 minutes in the morning sitting in a chair and I would dance sitting down.  I wrote down that in the afternoon I would do 30 minutes of exercise with  2 lb. weights that JD has been wanting me to get.  With Phase One complete I went on and was able to map out the rest of my plan including surgery and getting on to goal.  A rush of relief ran over me.

I got dressed and out the door to go see Anna and we talked abut my good-bye to Mike for a few minutes and then I handed her my plan.  She loved it!  She wondered why I didn't set some time limits and I didn't because at this weight I have never eaten just 1500 calories except back in April when I started JD's plan and the weight came flying off and that was without exercise except what I did when I was with him.  I told her that I needed to get through Phase II and I would be better at setting a time limit on all the other Phases.  I do have to admit looking at the Plan and it's Phases it does look doable and no so overwhelming!!!  We talked about rewards and I told her that I wanted to stick with my Pandora bracelet and a charm for every 10 lbs that I lose and a charm for my necklace for ever month that I successfully follow the plan without any screw up.  We talked about the 100 lb goal being a gold Pandora Charm with Diamonds for my necklace and the ending being a whole new wardrobe and she would help me shop!  I love the way Anna dresses and I would be thrilled if she would help me and she said that she would be honored to.  We laughed and agreed that Mark better get more money set back for that!  LOL!  She asked me when I was going to start and I told her this Monday.  I told her I picked Monday because I needed to get pre-packaged food in the house, get my weights and write out my weekly plan to follow.  So that is what it is.  My start date is this coming Monday. 

So...I will create a tab on this blog and I will post my full plan for all of you to see this weekend.  I am going to share with you each Monday what I plan on eating.  Another thing before I forget Anna and I talked about my 1500 calorie limit and why I picked that and I told her because doing what JD wanted me to I had a hard time getting up to the 1800 calorie limit that he set.  She felt like 1500 may be to low at my present weight and encouraged me to work with JD and get it on up to 1800 so we will see.  My mind says between 1500 and 1800.  So  that is the plan.  I am going to be using my new Body Bugg that I can track through my phone.  I'm not going to figure out calorie a I write the plan out for the week but I will take note what the Body Bugg is telling me and make adjustments as needed and of course I will make changes to the plan if need be.  I will make a tab for all of you to see what I am going to eat for the week.  Once I get to where I can stand for more than 5 minutes I will post recipes that I try along the way. 

Ready to find out what Phase II is?  Stay tuned!  Pray for me!  I'm scared of where I'm at.  I was in better shape at 468.  I had no pain.  This is awful!  I feel like a prisoner!

Feeling Better!

Thank God that I am starting to feel like a human again!  At least I'm feeling like trying to find my way again.  Rolling a lot of things around in my head.  I actually went on the Weight Watcher site and contemplated about going back.  Picking a new leader and starting anew.  That didn't last too long.  I'm not in the mood of spending $42.95 a month.  I then researched doing it on-line and I just can't get the excitement of going back.  I really think that for now I need to set a calorie limit of 1500 calories and just counting it on my own.  I know that it is going to require planning and that is where I need to come around.  I use to love sitting and planning each meal and snack for the week and that is what I did when I was the most successful on the program then Mike did a whole meeting on planning and really talked it down.  He told the class that he couldn't plan that he had to do the program on the run and just had to make it work.  I remember him describing what he did and it sounded like it would be pretty easy so I decided to give it a try.  I never ever went back to planning all my meals and snacks.  I did for a long time plan my dinners.  I learned to leave around 14 points for dinner time.  I remember the large meals that we ate.  Now after doing what JD has wanted me to do I can see just how much we overate.  I really think things that Mike taught me did not work for me.  I hung on to every word he said and I wished like hell that I never ever, ever ask him to privately coach me.  That was my demise.  I am sure.

I got too emotionally involved with Mike.  I hung on to everything he told me and everything he told me to do.  I see that now.  I was a balloon over-filled and ready to bust when I quit WW several months ago.  Everyone was right.  He controlled me more than he helped me.  Anna was right when she said that he was a pedophile that loved to control women.  I should have seen it with what he did with my friend Renee who gained all her weight back.  All 267 lbs!  Even after having skin removal surgery.  She told me that he prayed on low self-esteemed women and would control them.  Anna even has a patient right now who Mike is calling everyday and she is loving all the attention.  Sick!  I say sick!  Since I have quit, he is calling less and less and I'm loving it more and more and I guess it is time for Laura to figure out Laura's plan.  I really think Anna is right that I need to write out my own plan because I do know a lot about losing weight.  I need to find what works for me.

I know one thing, whatever I do I want it to be the last time that I lost this first 100 lbs.  Four times at this is enough.  It is time to make it permanent.  I have got to find a lifestyle that works for me.  Maybe that is why I just want to count calories and eat as healthy as I can.  I do like the idea of no carbs in the evening.  I also like the idea of a free meal once a week where I can go and enjoy something I really like and not worry about it. 

I charged up my new BodyBugg last night and this morning I plan on getting it set up.  It will work with my cell phone.  I also want to check out "My Fitness Pal" as I have heard a lot of good things about it as far as tracking goes.  I ran into a person at Costco one day who had the this new BodyBugg and she told me that she was using a trainer at 24 Hour Fitness but she was tracking her food through My Fitness Pal and subtracting the calories from what her BodyBugg said to get her deficit.  She said that she loved it more than using the BodyBugg program.  She told me that their data base was bigger.  I think that I am going to check it out.

I am planning to return to the gym today and face JD.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I still in my sick head don't want to move but I know deep down inside that I need to.  I'm still rolling around in my head to change trainers.  He told me last week that he was going to have Karina call me but that hasn't happened yet.  I think that today I will call the gym and get the gym manager to set up a meeting between us when JD is not in the gym.  I'd like to talk to this girl since she has lost a lot of weight and that is what drove her to become a personal trainer.  I need someone who can relate to what I'm going through.  This is hard! 

More later!

I Have Lost My FIGHT!!!

This has been a incredibly hard week.  I have been so sick with my crohn's.  I did get my treatment but it has been really bad.  I tried going to see Anna on Thursday which I really needed to and made it to her office but only as far as the bathroom, had an accident and had to turn around and drive home.  I cried all the way home.  I hate living with this disease.  It controls my life way too much.  I have got to get rid of some of this stress!

In regards to Mark's family things have gotten worse.  We have had to hire an attorney and found out that some of the things we thought we could do to his middle sister who is not cooperating we are not going to be able to do.  If she doesn't come around on her own and do the right thing these 3 kids will lose their relationship  It is hard being on the outside looking in.  It is hard knowing that his parents are in heaven looking down and broken hearted.  Wishing that I could talk to this middle sister but knowing that she is the kind of person that you can't talk to.  I need to realize it is what it is and this is all her doings and just move on.  Easier said than done, but I will work on it.

It seems that I have just lost my fight.  I'm struggling so bad.  I can't get on any kind of track.  I'm not gaining which is a good thing but I'm not losing which is a bad thing.  I just am having a hard time facing to lose this same freaking 100 lbs for the 4th time.  This is old.  I'm tired.  Really tired.  I just can't see to get fired up enough to get after this again, yet I know that if I want to live I don't have a choice.  I just wish I knew what to do.  I'm just so sick of it all. 

My feet hurt, my back hurts, I have no energy, it is had moving 390 lbs around.  None of my clothes fit anymore, in fact this past Thursday night we met my niece Meredith for dinner and I actually dug out my before clothes that I have been saving and they are tight.  I just cried.  I'm so glad that I deleted everything in the old website.  I really want to forget it all.  Some way, some how I have got to find a spark that I can grab onto and start this process all over.  I'm at a loss as to what to eat because eating this new way seems to be driving the crohn's crazy.  Or is it the stress?  I don't know.  I just know that I have spent a whole lot of time this week reflecting on where I've been and where I'm at now and I have to admit that I'm pretty depressed over it all.

Just pray for me.  I promise to work on it.  I really did need my appointment with Anna.  Hopefully nothing will keep me from her this week.  She seems to always help.

Getting Better! Yea!

Warning...this is long but worth the read!

I am getting better and I wanted to thank you for your emails and notes sent privately on my FB page.  It means so much to me to have friends who care and support me!

Sunday night I went to check to see what time my Remicade treatment was for Monday morning.  I was shocked to see that it was for the past Monday.  I have been suffering horribly with my crohn's and to think I could have had help a week ago made me just cry.  I also knew that this meant scheduling another appointment and knowing how busy the Infusion Suite is I didn't know when they could get me back in.  I went to bed just sick.  I got up yesterday morning and called as soon as they opened hoping that one at the appointment desk would go and get someone to answer the Infusion Suite phone.  She couldn't but she put me back there.  I started to cry because I knew that meant I would have to leave a message and calls don't get returned till after 3 p.m. and who knows when and if they could get me in.  God knew how bad I needed it.  Loretta answered the phone and luckily she told me to come on in when I could get there.  I told her that I could be there by 9:30.  Now became my prayer time.  Could I get down there without an accident.  I packed me so extra undies and a pair of pants and I headed down there.  Got checked in and went back to the Suite without a problem.  I asked the nurse if my Dr. was in and if she could ask her if I could have that extra steroid that she usually lets me have when I'm having a bad attack.  The Dr. authorized it.  I had that before my treatment began.  Now for sleep.  I needed to sleep so I would have that dreaded accident.  I didn't sleep.  I stayed awake the whole time.  I guess that was the steroid!  LOL!  I made it home without any problem.  Thank you Lord!  I feel better today.  Gassy but better.  What a blessing!

While I was there I asked the nurse for information about a Crohn's diet.  She printed me off an article from Web MD.  It pretty much listed everything that I'm eating on my JD diet.  It did go on to say that to try cooking the food different ways as toleration could be found.  They also said to alleviate foods to see if they cause problems.  So...the new journey begins.  I am going to back up and get off the nuts and 100% whole wheat bread and go from there.  First I need to get my gut healed so I will eat foods that have low inflammation that my Wellness Coach sent me.  I will figure out "Laura's Plan" like Anna asked me to.  It may not be complete this week but I will have something to show her that I'm working on.

Now I want to talk about my parents.  I'm not going to go into a long discussion about things because if you have been following me for long time you all know that they are a huge problem in my life.  Just briefly through Anna I got the courage to sit down and talk to them about my hurts in my childhood and I go to tell them that I forgave them for how they had made me feel and that I knew that parenting doesn't come with a book and parents make huge mistakes because I know that I made a lot of mistakes in Stacey's life.  Huge ones!  Now that we are starting to have a better relationship I want to work on mending the things that I know I have caused her pain in her own little life.  I don't ever want her to feel like I have had to.  No one should ever feel unloved and unaccepted, untalented, a failure and a person who cannot do anything right!  NO ONE!

This past weekend with my parents was the first since Christmas which went o.k.  Not perfect, just o.k.  I have come to accept that just o.k. is really perfect where my parents are concerned.  I understand that they have their own problems but the saddest thing to me is that they don't see it.  They don't realize the pain that they have caused and are causing in a child.  They will not seek help because they feel like they are not doing anything wrong.  It's not about the wrong that I'm feeling, it is all about the attitudes and sharp hurtful remarks that they keep blasting at me to make me continue to feel all the ways that I have to feel.  They never ever ever have anything positive to say about me.  Everything could be better that is it, that is their world.  I know that deep down I have to accept that but my humanness, deep within my soul I need some acceptance.  I need some encouragement from the two people who gave me life.  Positive encouragement is all that I'm asking and that I need.  Is that too much to ask?  I don't think so.  I may be wrong, but I will leave that question for Anna to answer and work with me on.  She is going to hear about this.

OK, about last weekend.  I need to share this so that you can understand just a glimpse of what I go through nearly and I say nearly every time I see my parents or even talk to the on the phone.  I am having such a hard time with my feet since I'm back in the 390's I decided to make entertaining very easy.  I had Mark pick up a box of cookies to offer after lunch on Saturday and because Shannon, Meredith, Mark and Dad are always looking for something sweet.  I also had him pick up some muffins to offer along with oatmeal, eggs, toast, cereal and fruit for breakfast.  I made Chalupas which is a family favorite that all I had to do is fry up some hamburger and puree some Ranch Style Beans and add to it with some seasonings, place it on a pre-fried tortilla, top with a little grated cheese and melt in the oven and top with onions, picante and lettuce and tomatoes.  We ate off throw away plates.  I had a sandwich spread for lunch.  It was easy for me.  The very first thing that my Mom said within 5 minutes of coming in my house was "Why did you by cookies and muffins when you know you don't need them?" in her most sarcastic, hateful voice which I'm used to.  I told her that I bought them for Meredith, Shannon, Dad and Mark.  She then mentioned the muffins and bitched about that.  I'm use to this, I get it every time they come and I try to do something nice.  Get this...she does this kind of crap when we go down there and just dares me to touch them.  She makes it well known that she did it for Mark!  That was the start.  I just put her into my imaginary box that Anna has created in my MDR treatments.  Saturday was Saturday and nothing else was said, not even when I got out a bought chocolate cream pie for dessert after dinner.  Mind you the cookies were gone and mind you my mother enjoyed her fair share.  I had one.

Sunday comes.  Crohn's is really starting to act up.  The plan was for all of us to go over to Shannon's and Meredith's so that Mom and Dad could see their little town home and we all were going to go and have lunch.  My feet were killing me just from sitting.  You don't realize how much you use your feet to sit up!  I decided not to go and my parents made the biggest deal out of it.  I was trying to be discrete about my fear of having an accident away from home and I needed some peace and quiet after the happenings of the day before.  They didn't like it but the 3 of them went.  My Dad actually called me and offered to bring me something home for lunch.  I thanked him and he brought me home a roasted chicken breast, green beans and mashed potatoes.  It was perfect. 

After I ate Mom and I went into the living room where it was more comfortable and Mark and Dad went to watch golf.  Mark hates golf but will suffer through it for my Dad's sake.  My Mom told me about Shannon asking her if they told their friends about them and Patrick.  My parents are having a hard time having a granddaughter who is gay.  They are having a hard time talking about Patrick because of that.  My mother's response was a down right lie to Shannon as she told her that they don't talk to their friends about family, grand kids and great grand kids.  Come one...what do older people do amongst each other.  They talk about all of that, because they are proud!  I just made  note to myself as I put her into my box that it was a bull-shit statement, that they didn't talk about us because they have shame about us.  I'm very confident that they all know about their son who is Mr. Senior Vice President of New York Life but they don't talk about the grossly obese daughter, gay grand daughter and great grand son.  They don't talk about their other great grandson because he is not really his since Stacey is not really mine.  She is my step-daughter who I feel is my daughter.  I've raised her (she came into my life at 3 years of age).  You get the picture.  Anyway I got her off the subject after I put her and her nasty comment in the box.

I started telling her little stories about JD and working out and we talked about Zumba and such.  I told her about JD and my conversation about the goal he had in mind for me and that he felt like he could get me there in a year.  BAD MISTAKE!!!  I should have known better but hey you want to be able to talk about anything to your Mom right?  Not her!  The first comment out of her mouth was "So why don't you do what he says for you to do consistently so that you can get down to 200 lbs?"  I about blew a gasket but managed to put that nasty comment and her into my box.  I was not going to get into a argument or explanation with her on that subject, as far as I was concerned it was over.  How does she not know that I am being perfect?  It's because she has it planted in her head for all my life that I can't do anything right!  Enough said!  We were just looking at each other.  I decided that it was time to try to talk to her about her negative comments and why couldn't she be positive and supportive for me.  So I asked her "Momma, (I don't call her that often, only when I'm trying to be sweet and non-confrontational) why do you have to always be so negative?"  O.M.G.  She lays her head on the back of the sofa and I hear the worst moan, gasp purely Satanic grunt when she holds her head up and starts yelling at me.  I just but my foot down and told her "This conversation is over." as I put her into the box again.  I am really proud at how many times it kept coming up in my mind to put hurtful, negative things into my box and not to let them out.  DMR is working!

The next thing that happened as we were talking about the fact that my Mom seems to be having a hard time losing any weight yet she says she is eating healthy and doing Zumba twice a week along with Ti Chi.  She tells me what she eats and it sounds good but I also know what kind of food they serve for lunch and dinner at their retirement home and it is stuff out of a 5 star restaurant complete with menu and everything is in sauces and friend etc.  It doesn't have any good food choices and I'm not sure scraping sauces off is going to do what she thinks it does.  I'm sure it helps but we all know about hidden calories.  I asked her how much she wanted to lose.  I felt she was being hesitant and not wanting to answer so I apologized for my question about the time she told me about 50 lbs.  She said she weighed 180.  OMG!  If I could weigh 180 I would be the happiest female on the planet! 

I asked her if she thought that she could weigh and measure and track what she ate for a week.  Well, I should have known that I would have gotten blasted about that.  It was about a 10 minute lecture on she wasn't going to do Weight Watchers, she wasn't going to do weigh and measure that she knew what she was doing and yada, yada, yada.  I just ended it by saying to her that I wouldn't know how I was doing without keeping a food journal and weighing and measuring everything.  She went on and on and I just put her in the trusty box.  The next comment out of her mouth which shocked me to the hilt was "My 50 lbs is harder than your 200 lbs"  I knew that this one had to be slammed in the box and the frigging lid was going to have to chained closed.  Before I did that all I said "You are crazy if you think 50 lbs is harder than 200 lbs"  I slammed it all in the box and I told her that we were ending the conversation that we would never agree on that one.  Really I don't know remember what we talked about then probably about the weather because that is about the only thing we can talk about with any pleasant comments.  Sad so sad!

We tried watching Extreme Weight Loss edition with her talking through it the whole time telling me that I needed to do this and that like the girl did and asking me if I was listening.  My Dad came in and asked in the middle "Have you all lost weight yet?"  Needless to say I didn't see the show like I needed to and was thankful that I had the DVR set to record it.  There were two pieces of chocolate pie left from the night before so I offered them to Mother first, then Dad, then Mark.  Well of course my mother wanted it.  Mark and Dad didn't so I ate the last piece and luckily I made it through without any ugliness!  Probably because she was eating hers!

The next morning as they were getting into the car to leave, my Dad said this to me. "Get back on your program after this weekend.  Promise me that you will get down to 200 lbs before I die."  I thought "What the hell? You are 81 years old and I can't guarantee that it will happen and why do you want to say that kind of thing and put that kind of pressure on me because you know you mean the world to me?"  All I knew to say was "I will Dad".  I walked back into the house very sad about that last part of our goodbye and relief that I survived the visit only because of my ability to use "My Box!"

One last thing...Sunday night when Mark and I crawled in bed I told him what happened between my Mom and I.  He told me that he had heard some of it.  I started to cry.  I hate to hurt but I was hurting...bad!  I asked Mark "When will I ever be free?  Is it going to be when they both die?"  Mark told me "Be careful what you wish for.  I feel like if you don't get this resolved with Anna's help and they do pass away you will never be free, it will be worse because you will never have closure."  Later in the past few days and gain last night when I got into bed talking about my stress of his mother's passing, his sister's antics, my crohn's, my diet, ME and more ME! My dearest sweet husband told me.  You need to get Anna to help you.  Your parents are not going to change.  She needs to help you find the closure you need now.  She can do it."  He knows, since his major was psychology in college he always knows what my therapists are doing but will never tell me.  He just tells me "I know where they are going."  Burns me up!  LOL!

Going to go and start to work on my plan!  Later!