This has been a incredibly hard week. I have been so sick with my crohn's. I did get my treatment but it has been really bad. I tried going to see Anna on Thursday which I really needed to and made it to her office but only as far as the bathroom, had an accident and had to turn around and drive home. I cried all the way home. I hate living with this disease. It controls my life way too much. I have got to get rid of some of this stress!
In regards to Mark's family things have gotten worse. We have had to hire an attorney and found out that some of the things we thought we could do to his middle sister who is not cooperating we are not going to be able to do. If she doesn't come around on her own and do the right thing these 3 kids will lose their relationship It is hard being on the outside looking in. It is hard knowing that his parents are in heaven looking down and broken hearted. Wishing that I could talk to this middle sister but knowing that she is the kind of person that you can't talk to. I need to realize it is what it is and this is all her doings and just move on. Easier said than done, but I will work on it.
It seems that I have just lost my fight. I'm struggling so bad. I can't get on any kind of track. I'm not gaining which is a good thing but I'm not losing which is a bad thing. I just am having a hard time facing to lose this same freaking 100 lbs for the 4th time. This is old. I'm tired. Really tired. I just can't see to get fired up enough to get after this again, yet I know that if I want to live I don't have a choice. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm just so sick of it all.
My feet hurt, my back hurts, I have no energy, it is had moving 390 lbs around. None of my clothes fit anymore, in fact this past Thursday night we met my niece Meredith for dinner and I actually dug out my before clothes that I have been saving and they are tight. I just cried. I'm so glad that I deleted everything in the old website. I really want to forget it all. Some way, some how I have got to find a spark that I can grab onto and start this process all over. I'm at a loss as to what to eat because eating this new way seems to be driving the crohn's crazy. Or is it the stress? I don't know. I just know that I have spent a whole lot of time this week reflecting on where I've been and where I'm at now and I have to admit that I'm pretty depressed over it all.
Just pray for me. I promise to work on it. I really did need my appointment with Anna. Hopefully nothing will keep me from her this week. She seems to always help.
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