HELP!!!!

I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone,
Help!

You all know when I get silent there is trouble.  There has been trouble.  I have lost my way.  There has been so much going on.  I don't know where to start but I feel the need to catch you all up.  Let's see.  The last time I wrote I was sick with a bladder infection.  I had gotten a idea to cook some meals ahead and use some food containers to do so.  I have found Ziploc food containers and they have found a new home in the junk room/office of our home.  Good place for them huh?  NOT! 

There has been been more antics in regards Mark's mother's estate and with his middle sister.  There is really no need to go into all of it here because this is suppose to be about me and my weight loss journey but I will say that this is going to hell in a hand basket.  Amazing what sibling can do to cause pain to the other two, the stress it can cause and disappointment and hurt.  It has truly broken my spirit as I love Mark's family but I have truly lost all respect for his middle sister.  This situation has not only broken my heart but the stress of being a part of it and watching and living through what Mark and Nancy are going through has caused my crohn's disease to be helter skelter! 

I have not been working out with JD and while I am not binging I'm not doing what I know that I should do.  I have found out many things that I'm trying to eat is also contributing to my crohn's getting all out of whack.  Crohn's is a inflammatory disease and some of the foods that I have turned to eating cause inflammation.  Things like 100% whole wheat bread, nuts, broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts etc.  My insurance company provides me with a Wellness Coach who I have been working with for several months in regards to my diet and they have educated me on a lot of things that I wasn't aware of in regards to Crohns.  One is a list of foods that cause inflammation.  It pretty much sums up 75% of what I'm trying to eat, so as time has gone on I have felt lost in what to do.

What to do?  Continue to find my way or give up and go back to Weight Watchers.  ARG!  I don't want to go back to Weight Watchers because I don't want to have to deal with Mike but more so I just don't want to do that anymore.  Do I just find a private dietician who can help be put together a plan for someone who suffers with crohn's or do I just branch out with the information that I have and find my own way?

My head is not in the weight loss/exercise game.  I have been lazy, I have been laying around and spending way too much time on the computer, yet I didn't want to blog.  Makes a whole lot of sense doesn't it.  No!  I'm just tired.  Deep down I'm just tired of it all.

My parents have been up for a visit last weekend and this week I have had to deal with many rude things that my mother has inflicted upon me.  I'm still sorting that all out.  I also need to say that I went almost a month not seeing Anna and I did get to see her this past Thursday.  It wasn't enough time to even tell her all of the hurt and pain of last weekend.  My deep feelings are this..."Why does a mother feel the need to put down, look down, hurt, destroy her only daughter?"  "When am I ever going to be free of her flaming arrows?"  "What can I do to make her love me for me?"  "Am I such a ugly nasty person?"  "Why am I such a failure?"  The freaking list goes on.  My mind is screaming for FREEDOM!!!!!  My husband is telling me "Watch what you wish for!"  He has also told me that all these feelings and emotions are not going to stop when she passes on.  He has warned me that they will be worse because they will never be resolved.  He told me that Anna and I need to get to work on this NOW!  Mark was a psychology major so he knows more than he is willing to be involved because he is the husband and son-in-law.  I'm so tired of all the pain.  More on this past weekend later on this week.  I do have some things that I need to vent about.

So...to keep this for getting too lengthy, let me say this.  Anna gave me a assignment this week to work on "Laura's Plan".  She wants me to figure out my own program.  She wants me to set my own goals and we will discuss it this week.  I have talked to JD and told him that I was sick of when my head is in this game, his head is not (he has cancelled on me because "I have demons to deal with").  He can be on fire to help me and my head isn't in it and I don't want to do anything.  I'm now wondering if JD and I are meant to be together.  The last time that JD had it out the gym manager and I talked and he told me he wasn't 100% sure that JD was the best fit for me.  There is a trainer at the gym named Karina who has lost a lot of weight, has a client with Crohns that only has half of her colon.  I told JD yesterday through text messages that I want to talk to Karina.  That is one of my goals this next week.  Will I change trainers.  I don't know.

So...see why I'm screaming HELP!  I do need somebody! Help! Not just anybody!  Help!  You know I need someone....HELP!