I thought I would get out here and do a quick catch up of the week! It has been another whirlwind.
My meeting with Dr. Michel went well. It got pretty emotional as I talked to her about the possibility of what I went through with Weigh Down Workshop and the cult Remnant Fellowship. OMG the feeling and emotions that roared up from my inner core. How that experience has really played with my inner core is so, so sad. I almost wailed talking to her about it. We talked about my faith and it really showed just how damaged I really am. I feel like God hates me, I feel like I will never be good enough to go to heaven. I feel like my greed of food will send me to hell. Yet a part of me wants to believe that I have been saved by grace and I have been forgiven from my sins. I feel like I am on tight rope. Dr. Michel said that this has absolutely had a play into all of this and we are going to take a closer look at it all. I felt like a scum-bag as I left her office. I did ask her if she thought if this was something that I should go back to Anna for and let her work with me on it and Dr. Michel told me no that we would do the work there since also involved the eating disorder.
I didn't get my homework done for my group on Wednesday night so I had to fake it. I know that Stacy sensed that I hadn't done it. I have really been disappointed in this group "Mindful Eating" I feel like too much time was spent on DBT's (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and very little on Mindful Eating. I've gotten more out of my CD's than group. That is sad. Yesterday Kathy told me that Stacy had touched on Mindful Eating by what Susan Albers suggested they cover from her workbook. Susan Albers and Dr. Michel are friends. I told Kathy that I think they should have a DBT group that covered DBT more in-depth and a group of Mindful Eating that talked about it more in depth. Next week is the last week and while I have learned some I feel like I haven't learned a whole lot and I'm not sure if I would sign up again. I don't want to hurt Stacy's feelings but I have to call it like it is. To me it was a waste of $300 and all the gas and time driving out there. It was nice however to meet Elaine and to know that I'm not the only person that is on this journey to recovery from Binge Eating.
My visit with Kathy was short yesterday because she was meeting a friend for lunch. Whatever. I do have to gripe a bit that she just decided to cut me short this week so that she could go and meet up with her friend. I don't think that is very professional. Of course she adjusted her cost but man I don't enjoy driving for an hour for a 30 minute session and driving home for another hour. Enough said.
They all seem to be honing in on my anger that is caused from interpersonal relationships and how it drives me to eat. I do realize that and I have realized it for a long time. In group we discussed this in general but Kathy and Dr. Michel have really discussed it with me. I have to break this. Everyone is suggesting that I have a list of things to go and do when this strikes that will keep me from binging. We discussed this list in group this week. One of my favorite things to do is to buy gifts for other people. But in my present circumstances where it is hard for me to grocery shop, getting out to buy gifts is difficult as well. I'll have to spend some more time on the list that Stacy gave out Wednesday night.
I also have a rant about Mike. Remember him? He's back to his same ol' crap. You will be amazed at how I deal with him. If he doesn't stop his crap he is going to take the final hike out of my life. He is a real problem. Kathy hates him and wants him gone. Dr. Michel hasn't really discussed with me but I know Kathy has talked to her about it. Stacy doesn't know about him. (Lucky her! LOL!)
So...there you have a short quick run-down of my week. Today the maids come t 8:00 a.m. and I have a hair appointment at 11:00 a.m. and family should start arriving around 3 or 4. So...let's let Mark's Birthday weekend begin... I'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday after Stacey goes home!
Friday, September 6, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
Whoa...Just Read My Last Post Again...I Guess I Was Angry....
I'm sorry.
I sure did go off in my last post. I'm a bit calmer now but still dealing with the same stuff. Trying to find hunger, trying to find satisfaction, trying to determine what is a binge and trying to tell what is not a binge. I guess I will eventually learn it but right now it is still very confusing.
My appointment with Kathy last Thursday went better than I thought. I broke down and told her how I was feeling. My assignment...to log what I eat and to journal my thoughts about how the meal made me feel. So far so good till today (Labor Day). Today my eating got off and stayed off. Did I binge? I don't know but I did not eat my 3 meals today and that is bad but at least tonight I know tomorrow I have another chance to do it all over again.
Kathy reminded me that I am getting the same exact treatment as a out patient as I would be getting if I was in a treatment facility. She told me that they would not be going after me all day long. She told me they would be sending me off to work on a puzzle, to go for a walk, to watch TV and to live life. She told me that I have to live my life and that recovery will come. I have to work but not be so consumed with it all. She told me no more reading books, listening to podcasts and the like. She wants me to do what Dr. Michel said and that was to work at doing 2 things a day. I have been doing that until Sunday and today. I got lazy and the last 2 days have gone back to watching TV, being on the computer and of all things have found a interest in Pinterest (which I will have to watch) and sleeping. I should be sleeping right now.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Michel and I'm sure that we will talk about my state last week between group and seeing Kathy. I also wonder about what she will pick me off about. I swear she is so good at what sh does she can pick up on a sentence or phrase that I make and show me how it plays into this eating disorder. She is truly awesome. Never seen anything like it.
Also this weekend I'm giving Mark a party for his 60th birthday. I need to have my head examined on this one. I've always wanted to do this for him and he can't help that he will turn 60 right in the middle of my treatment. I'm having it at his favorite restaurant, I didn't do invitations and just did verbal invites. Mostly to family and close friends. They understand and yet think that I'm crazy. Our daughter is coming in on Friday and will be here till next Tuesday but she will be a big help for me. My parents and Mark's oldest sister and her husband are coming in from Ft. Worth. After the party I've asked family members back to the house but I'm having a deli do party trays. The only meal that I need to do is Friday evening for Stacey, my parents and Mark's sister and husband. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's and buy their turkey meatballs (which Kathy says they are wonderful) and I'm throwing them in the crock pot with jarred sauce that I will add fresh herbs and stuff to. I'm buying bagged salad and garlic bread so it should be easy for me to get done on my own. I know that my Mom will help me with the salad and Mark's sister will ask to help too and I will let hem help! Monday Stacey and I are taking Mark to Kemah in the afternoon for a seafood dinner and then a surprise evening cruise on Galveston Bay. We are taking some wine and Stacey says that they will furnish snacks. She has done all of that arranging. So, tomorrow after Dr. Michel I'm getting my hair done, Wednesday the exterminator is coming and in the afternoon I'm getting a pedicure and then I have group. Thursday is Kathy and a trip to Trader Joe's and Friday the maids are coming to clean the house and people should start arriving. I pray it will be as easy as I have made it out to be in my head. These days who knows. Tomorrow I may be freaking out!
I will try and write and let you know how I'm doing this week and I ask you for prayers and warm thoughts. I want this to be a birthday that Mark will remember. We never celebrate our birthdays. I think that everyone should celebrate a BIG one! He's excited but worried about me. He is my sweetie and I don't know what I would do without him.
So...this is a calm post...but also know that the issues and feelings are still very real. This is hard, very hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy but I want to recover. I want food to have the rightful place in my life. Just as Dr. Michel said one day "Life is a rightful binge". I do need to learn to binge on life and the beauty of it and stop binging on food which robs you of life! Kathy keeps telling me that "Food is fuel". Susan Albers tells me that "Food is medicine used to repair the body". I'm starting to grasp that. I guess that is progress. I am getting better but...I know the journey is just beginning and the road is longer than anybody wants it to be. I just want RECOVERY!
I sure did go off in my last post. I'm a bit calmer now but still dealing with the same stuff. Trying to find hunger, trying to find satisfaction, trying to determine what is a binge and trying to tell what is not a binge. I guess I will eventually learn it but right now it is still very confusing.
My appointment with Kathy last Thursday went better than I thought. I broke down and told her how I was feeling. My assignment...to log what I eat and to journal my thoughts about how the meal made me feel. So far so good till today (Labor Day). Today my eating got off and stayed off. Did I binge? I don't know but I did not eat my 3 meals today and that is bad but at least tonight I know tomorrow I have another chance to do it all over again.
Kathy reminded me that I am getting the same exact treatment as a out patient as I would be getting if I was in a treatment facility. She told me that they would not be going after me all day long. She told me they would be sending me off to work on a puzzle, to go for a walk, to watch TV and to live life. She told me that I have to live my life and that recovery will come. I have to work but not be so consumed with it all. She told me no more reading books, listening to podcasts and the like. She wants me to do what Dr. Michel said and that was to work at doing 2 things a day. I have been doing that until Sunday and today. I got lazy and the last 2 days have gone back to watching TV, being on the computer and of all things have found a interest in Pinterest (which I will have to watch) and sleeping. I should be sleeping right now.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Michel and I'm sure that we will talk about my state last week between group and seeing Kathy. I also wonder about what she will pick me off about. I swear she is so good at what sh does she can pick up on a sentence or phrase that I make and show me how it plays into this eating disorder. She is truly awesome. Never seen anything like it.
Also this weekend I'm giving Mark a party for his 60th birthday. I need to have my head examined on this one. I've always wanted to do this for him and he can't help that he will turn 60 right in the middle of my treatment. I'm having it at his favorite restaurant, I didn't do invitations and just did verbal invites. Mostly to family and close friends. They understand and yet think that I'm crazy. Our daughter is coming in on Friday and will be here till next Tuesday but she will be a big help for me. My parents and Mark's oldest sister and her husband are coming in from Ft. Worth. After the party I've asked family members back to the house but I'm having a deli do party trays. The only meal that I need to do is Friday evening for Stacey, my parents and Mark's sister and husband. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's and buy their turkey meatballs (which Kathy says they are wonderful) and I'm throwing them in the crock pot with jarred sauce that I will add fresh herbs and stuff to. I'm buying bagged salad and garlic bread so it should be easy for me to get done on my own. I know that my Mom will help me with the salad and Mark's sister will ask to help too and I will let hem help! Monday Stacey and I are taking Mark to Kemah in the afternoon for a seafood dinner and then a surprise evening cruise on Galveston Bay. We are taking some wine and Stacey says that they will furnish snacks. She has done all of that arranging. So, tomorrow after Dr. Michel I'm getting my hair done, Wednesday the exterminator is coming and in the afternoon I'm getting a pedicure and then I have group. Thursday is Kathy and a trip to Trader Joe's and Friday the maids are coming to clean the house and people should start arriving. I pray it will be as easy as I have made it out to be in my head. These days who knows. Tomorrow I may be freaking out!
I will try and write and let you know how I'm doing this week and I ask you for prayers and warm thoughts. I want this to be a birthday that Mark will remember. We never celebrate our birthdays. I think that everyone should celebrate a BIG one! He's excited but worried about me. He is my sweetie and I don't know what I would do without him.
So...this is a calm post...but also know that the issues and feelings are still very real. This is hard, very hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy but I want to recover. I want food to have the rightful place in my life. Just as Dr. Michel said one day "Life is a rightful binge". I do need to learn to binge on life and the beauty of it and stop binging on food which robs you of life! Kathy keeps telling me that "Food is fuel". Susan Albers tells me that "Food is medicine used to repair the body". I'm starting to grasp that. I guess that is progress. I am getting better but...I know the journey is just beginning and the road is longer than anybody wants it to be. I just want RECOVERY!
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