Thank God that I am starting to feel like a human again! At least I'm feeling like trying to find my way again. Rolling a lot of things around in my head. I actually went on the Weight Watcher site and contemplated about going back. Picking a new leader and starting anew. That didn't last too long. I'm not in the mood of spending $42.95 a month. I then researched doing it on-line and I just can't get the excitement of going back. I really think that for now I need to set a calorie limit of 1500 calories and just counting it on my own. I know that it is going to require planning and that is where I need to come around. I use to love sitting and planning each meal and snack for the week and that is what I did when I was the most successful on the program then Mike did a whole meeting on planning and really talked it down. He told the class that he couldn't plan that he had to do the program on the run and just had to make it work. I remember him describing what he did and it sounded like it would be pretty easy so I decided to give it a try. I never ever went back to planning all my meals and snacks. I did for a long time plan my dinners. I learned to leave around 14 points for dinner time. I remember the large meals that we ate. Now after doing what JD has wanted me to do I can see just how much we overate. I really think things that Mike taught me did not work for me. I hung on to every word he said and I wished like hell that I never ever, ever ask him to privately coach me. That was my demise. I am sure.
I got too emotionally involved with Mike. I hung on to everything he told me and everything he told me to do. I see that now. I was a balloon over-filled and ready to bust when I quit WW several months ago. Everyone was right. He controlled me more than he helped me. Anna was right when she said that he was a pedophile that loved to control women. I should have seen it with what he did with my friend Renee who gained all her weight back. All 267 lbs! Even after having skin removal surgery. She told me that he prayed on low self-esteemed women and would control them. Anna even has a patient right now who Mike is calling everyday and she is loving all the attention. Sick! I say sick! Since I have quit, he is calling less and less and I'm loving it more and more and I guess it is time for Laura to figure out Laura's plan. I really think Anna is right that I need to write out my own plan because I do know a lot about losing weight. I need to find what works for me.
I know one thing, whatever I do I want it to be the last time that I lost this first 100 lbs. Four times at this is enough. It is time to make it permanent. I have got to find a lifestyle that works for me. Maybe that is why I just want to count calories and eat as healthy as I can. I do like the idea of no carbs in the evening. I also like the idea of a free meal once a week where I can go and enjoy something I really like and not worry about it.
I charged up my new BodyBugg last night and this morning I plan on getting it set up. It will work with my cell phone. I also want to check out "My Fitness Pal" as I have heard a lot of good things about it as far as tracking goes. I ran into a person at Costco one day who had the this new BodyBugg and she told me that she was using a trainer at 24 Hour Fitness but she was tracking her food through My Fitness Pal and subtracting the calories from what her BodyBugg said to get her deficit. She said that she loved it more than using the BodyBugg program. She told me that their data base was bigger. I think that I am going to check it out.
I am planning to return to the gym today and face JD. I'm not looking forward to it. I still in my sick head don't want to move but I know deep down inside that I need to. I'm still rolling around in my head to change trainers. He told me last week that he was going to have Karina call me but that hasn't happened yet. I think that today I will call the gym and get the gym manager to set up a meeting between us when JD is not in the gym. I'd like to talk to this girl since she has lost a lot of weight and that is what drove her to become a personal trainer. I need someone who can relate to what I'm going through. This is hard!
More later!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
I Have Lost My FIGHT!!!
This has been a incredibly hard week. I have been so sick with my crohn's. I did get my treatment but it has been really bad. I tried going to see Anna on Thursday which I really needed to and made it to her office but only as far as the bathroom, had an accident and had to turn around and drive home. I cried all the way home. I hate living with this disease. It controls my life way too much. I have got to get rid of some of this stress!
In regards to Mark's family things have gotten worse. We have had to hire an attorney and found out that some of the things we thought we could do to his middle sister who is not cooperating we are not going to be able to do. If she doesn't come around on her own and do the right thing these 3 kids will lose their relationship It is hard being on the outside looking in. It is hard knowing that his parents are in heaven looking down and broken hearted. Wishing that I could talk to this middle sister but knowing that she is the kind of person that you can't talk to. I need to realize it is what it is and this is all her doings and just move on. Easier said than done, but I will work on it.
It seems that I have just lost my fight. I'm struggling so bad. I can't get on any kind of track. I'm not gaining which is a good thing but I'm not losing which is a bad thing. I just am having a hard time facing to lose this same freaking 100 lbs for the 4th time. This is old. I'm tired. Really tired. I just can't see to get fired up enough to get after this again, yet I know that if I want to live I don't have a choice. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm just so sick of it all.
My feet hurt, my back hurts, I have no energy, it is had moving 390 lbs around. None of my clothes fit anymore, in fact this past Thursday night we met my niece Meredith for dinner and I actually dug out my before clothes that I have been saving and they are tight. I just cried. I'm so glad that I deleted everything in the old website. I really want to forget it all. Some way, some how I have got to find a spark that I can grab onto and start this process all over. I'm at a loss as to what to eat because eating this new way seems to be driving the crohn's crazy. Or is it the stress? I don't know. I just know that I have spent a whole lot of time this week reflecting on where I've been and where I'm at now and I have to admit that I'm pretty depressed over it all.
Just pray for me. I promise to work on it. I really did need my appointment with Anna. Hopefully nothing will keep me from her this week. She seems to always help.
In regards to Mark's family things have gotten worse. We have had to hire an attorney and found out that some of the things we thought we could do to his middle sister who is not cooperating we are not going to be able to do. If she doesn't come around on her own and do the right thing these 3 kids will lose their relationship It is hard being on the outside looking in. It is hard knowing that his parents are in heaven looking down and broken hearted. Wishing that I could talk to this middle sister but knowing that she is the kind of person that you can't talk to. I need to realize it is what it is and this is all her doings and just move on. Easier said than done, but I will work on it.
It seems that I have just lost my fight. I'm struggling so bad. I can't get on any kind of track. I'm not gaining which is a good thing but I'm not losing which is a bad thing. I just am having a hard time facing to lose this same freaking 100 lbs for the 4th time. This is old. I'm tired. Really tired. I just can't see to get fired up enough to get after this again, yet I know that if I want to live I don't have a choice. I just wish I knew what to do. I'm just so sick of it all.
My feet hurt, my back hurts, I have no energy, it is had moving 390 lbs around. None of my clothes fit anymore, in fact this past Thursday night we met my niece Meredith for dinner and I actually dug out my before clothes that I have been saving and they are tight. I just cried. I'm so glad that I deleted everything in the old website. I really want to forget it all. Some way, some how I have got to find a spark that I can grab onto and start this process all over. I'm at a loss as to what to eat because eating this new way seems to be driving the crohn's crazy. Or is it the stress? I don't know. I just know that I have spent a whole lot of time this week reflecting on where I've been and where I'm at now and I have to admit that I'm pretty depressed over it all.
Just pray for me. I promise to work on it. I really did need my appointment with Anna. Hopefully nothing will keep me from her this week. She seems to always help.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Getting Better! Yea!
Warning...this is long but worth the read!
I am getting better and I wanted to thank you for your emails and notes sent privately on my FB page. It means so much to me to have friends who care and support me!
Sunday night I went to check to see what time my Remicade treatment was for Monday morning. I was shocked to see that it was for the past Monday. I have been suffering horribly with my crohn's and to think I could have had help a week ago made me just cry. I also knew that this meant scheduling another appointment and knowing how busy the Infusion Suite is I didn't know when they could get me back in. I went to bed just sick. I got up yesterday morning and called as soon as they opened hoping that one at the appointment desk would go and get someone to answer the Infusion Suite phone. She couldn't but she put me back there. I started to cry because I knew that meant I would have to leave a message and calls don't get returned till after 3 p.m. and who knows when and if they could get me in. God knew how bad I needed it. Loretta answered the phone and luckily she told me to come on in when I could get there. I told her that I could be there by 9:30. Now became my prayer time. Could I get down there without an accident. I packed me so extra undies and a pair of pants and I headed down there. Got checked in and went back to the Suite without a problem. I asked the nurse if my Dr. was in and if she could ask her if I could have that extra steroid that she usually lets me have when I'm having a bad attack. The Dr. authorized it. I had that before my treatment began. Now for sleep. I needed to sleep so I would have that dreaded accident. I didn't sleep. I stayed awake the whole time. I guess that was the steroid! LOL! I made it home without any problem. Thank you Lord! I feel better today. Gassy but better. What a blessing!
While I was there I asked the nurse for information about a Crohn's diet. She printed me off an article from Web MD. It pretty much listed everything that I'm eating on my JD diet. It did go on to say that to try cooking the food different ways as toleration could be found. They also said to alleviate foods to see if they cause problems. So...the new journey begins. I am going to back up and get off the nuts and 100% whole wheat bread and go from there. First I need to get my gut healed so I will eat foods that have low inflammation that my Wellness Coach sent me. I will figure out "Laura's Plan" like Anna asked me to. It may not be complete this week but I will have something to show her that I'm working on.
Now I want to talk about my parents. I'm not going to go into a long discussion about things because if you have been following me for long time you all know that they are a huge problem in my life. Just briefly through Anna I got the courage to sit down and talk to them about my hurts in my childhood and I go to tell them that I forgave them for how they had made me feel and that I knew that parenting doesn't come with a book and parents make huge mistakes because I know that I made a lot of mistakes in Stacey's life. Huge ones! Now that we are starting to have a better relationship I want to work on mending the things that I know I have caused her pain in her own little life. I don't ever want her to feel like I have had to. No one should ever feel unloved and unaccepted, untalented, a failure and a person who cannot do anything right! NO ONE!
This past weekend with my parents was the first since Christmas which went o.k. Not perfect, just o.k. I have come to accept that just o.k. is really perfect where my parents are concerned. I understand that they have their own problems but the saddest thing to me is that they don't see it. They don't realize the pain that they have caused and are causing in a child. They will not seek help because they feel like they are not doing anything wrong. It's not about the wrong that I'm feeling, it is all about the attitudes and sharp hurtful remarks that they keep blasting at me to make me continue to feel all the ways that I have to feel. They never ever ever have anything positive to say about me. Everything could be better that is it, that is their world. I know that deep down I have to accept that but my humanness, deep within my soul I need some acceptance. I need some encouragement from the two people who gave me life. Positive encouragement is all that I'm asking and that I need. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I may be wrong, but I will leave that question for Anna to answer and work with me on. She is going to hear about this.
OK, about last weekend. I need to share this so that you can understand just a glimpse of what I go through nearly and I say nearly every time I see my parents or even talk to the on the phone. I am having such a hard time with my feet since I'm back in the 390's I decided to make entertaining very easy. I had Mark pick up a box of cookies to offer after lunch on Saturday and because Shannon, Meredith, Mark and Dad are always looking for something sweet. I also had him pick up some muffins to offer along with oatmeal, eggs, toast, cereal and fruit for breakfast. I made Chalupas which is a family favorite that all I had to do is fry up some hamburger and puree some Ranch Style Beans and add to it with some seasonings, place it on a pre-fried tortilla, top with a little grated cheese and melt in the oven and top with onions, picante and lettuce and tomatoes. We ate off throw away plates. I had a sandwich spread for lunch. It was easy for me. The very first thing that my Mom said within 5 minutes of coming in my house was "Why did you by cookies and muffins when you know you don't need them?" in her most sarcastic, hateful voice which I'm used to. I told her that I bought them for Meredith, Shannon, Dad and Mark. She then mentioned the muffins and bitched about that. I'm use to this, I get it every time they come and I try to do something nice. Get this...she does this kind of crap when we go down there and just dares me to touch them. She makes it well known that she did it for Mark! That was the start. I just put her into my imaginary box that Anna has created in my MDR treatments. Saturday was Saturday and nothing else was said, not even when I got out a bought chocolate cream pie for dessert after dinner. Mind you the cookies were gone and mind you my mother enjoyed her fair share. I had one.
Sunday comes. Crohn's is really starting to act up. The plan was for all of us to go over to Shannon's and Meredith's so that Mom and Dad could see their little town home and we all were going to go and have lunch. My feet were killing me just from sitting. You don't realize how much you use your feet to sit up! I decided not to go and my parents made the biggest deal out of it. I was trying to be discrete about my fear of having an accident away from home and I needed some peace and quiet after the happenings of the day before. They didn't like it but the 3 of them went. My Dad actually called me and offered to bring me something home for lunch. I thanked him and he brought me home a roasted chicken breast, green beans and mashed potatoes. It was perfect.
After I ate Mom and I went into the living room where it was more comfortable and Mark and Dad went to watch golf. Mark hates golf but will suffer through it for my Dad's sake. My Mom told me about Shannon asking her if they told their friends about them and Patrick. My parents are having a hard time having a granddaughter who is gay. They are having a hard time talking about Patrick because of that. My mother's response was a down right lie to Shannon as she told her that they don't talk to their friends about family, grand kids and great grand kids. Come one...what do older people do amongst each other. They talk about all of that, because they are proud! I just made note to myself as I put her into my box that it was a bull-shit statement, that they didn't talk about us because they have shame about us. I'm very confident that they all know about their son who is Mr. Senior Vice President of New York Life but they don't talk about the grossly obese daughter, gay grand daughter and great grand son. They don't talk about their other great grandson because he is not really his since Stacey is not really mine. She is my step-daughter who I feel is my daughter. I've raised her (she came into my life at 3 years of age). You get the picture. Anyway I got her off the subject after I put her and her nasty comment in the box.
I started telling her little stories about JD and working out and we talked about Zumba and such. I told her about JD and my conversation about the goal he had in mind for me and that he felt like he could get me there in a year. BAD MISTAKE!!! I should have known better but hey you want to be able to talk about anything to your Mom right? Not her! The first comment out of her mouth was "So why don't you do what he says for you to do consistently so that you can get down to 200 lbs?" I about blew a gasket but managed to put that nasty comment and her into my box. I was not going to get into a argument or explanation with her on that subject, as far as I was concerned it was over. How does she not know that I am being perfect? It's because she has it planted in her head for all my life that I can't do anything right! Enough said! We were just looking at each other. I decided that it was time to try to talk to her about her negative comments and why couldn't she be positive and supportive for me. So I asked her "Momma, (I don't call her that often, only when I'm trying to be sweet and non-confrontational) why do you have to always be so negative?" O.M.G. She lays her head on the back of the sofa and I hear the worst moan, gasp purely Satanic grunt when she holds her head up and starts yelling at me. I just but my foot down and told her "This conversation is over." as I put her into the box again. I am really proud at how many times it kept coming up in my mind to put hurtful, negative things into my box and not to let them out. DMR is working!
The next thing that happened as we were talking about the fact that my Mom seems to be having a hard time losing any weight yet she says she is eating healthy and doing Zumba twice a week along with Ti Chi. She tells me what she eats and it sounds good but I also know what kind of food they serve for lunch and dinner at their retirement home and it is stuff out of a 5 star restaurant complete with menu and everything is in sauces and friend etc. It doesn't have any good food choices and I'm not sure scraping sauces off is going to do what she thinks it does. I'm sure it helps but we all know about hidden calories. I asked her how much she wanted to lose. I felt she was being hesitant and not wanting to answer so I apologized for my question about the time she told me about 50 lbs. She said she weighed 180. OMG! If I could weigh 180 I would be the happiest female on the planet!
I asked her if she thought that she could weigh and measure and track what she ate for a week. Well, I should have known that I would have gotten blasted about that. It was about a 10 minute lecture on she wasn't going to do Weight Watchers, she wasn't going to do weigh and measure that she knew what she was doing and yada, yada, yada. I just ended it by saying to her that I wouldn't know how I was doing without keeping a food journal and weighing and measuring everything. She went on and on and I just put her in the trusty box. The next comment out of her mouth which shocked me to the hilt was "My 50 lbs is harder than your 200 lbs" I knew that this one had to be slammed in the box and the frigging lid was going to have to chained closed. Before I did that all I said "You are crazy if you think 50 lbs is harder than 200 lbs" I slammed it all in the box and I told her that we were ending the conversation that we would never agree on that one. Really I don't know remember what we talked about then probably about the weather because that is about the only thing we can talk about with any pleasant comments. Sad so sad!
We tried watching Extreme Weight Loss edition with her talking through it the whole time telling me that I needed to do this and that like the girl did and asking me if I was listening. My Dad came in and asked in the middle "Have you all lost weight yet?" Needless to say I didn't see the show like I needed to and was thankful that I had the DVR set to record it. There were two pieces of chocolate pie left from the night before so I offered them to Mother first, then Dad, then Mark. Well of course my mother wanted it. Mark and Dad didn't so I ate the last piece and luckily I made it through without any ugliness! Probably because she was eating hers!
The next morning as they were getting into the car to leave, my Dad said this to me. "Get back on your program after this weekend. Promise me that you will get down to 200 lbs before I die." I thought "What the hell? You are 81 years old and I can't guarantee that it will happen and why do you want to say that kind of thing and put that kind of pressure on me because you know you mean the world to me?" All I knew to say was "I will Dad". I walked back into the house very sad about that last part of our goodbye and relief that I survived the visit only because of my ability to use "My Box!"
One last thing...Sunday night when Mark and I crawled in bed I told him what happened between my Mom and I. He told me that he had heard some of it. I started to cry. I hate to hurt but I was hurting...bad! I asked Mark "When will I ever be free? Is it going to be when they both die?" Mark told me "Be careful what you wish for. I feel like if you don't get this resolved with Anna's help and they do pass away you will never be free, it will be worse because you will never have closure." Later in the past few days and gain last night when I got into bed talking about my stress of his mother's passing, his sister's antics, my crohn's, my diet, ME and more ME! My dearest sweet husband told me. You need to get Anna to help you. Your parents are not going to change. She needs to help you find the closure you need now. She can do it." He knows, since his major was psychology in college he always knows what my therapists are doing but will never tell me. He just tells me "I know where they are going." Burns me up! LOL!
Going to go and start to work on my plan! Later!
I am getting better and I wanted to thank you for your emails and notes sent privately on my FB page. It means so much to me to have friends who care and support me!
Sunday night I went to check to see what time my Remicade treatment was for Monday morning. I was shocked to see that it was for the past Monday. I have been suffering horribly with my crohn's and to think I could have had help a week ago made me just cry. I also knew that this meant scheduling another appointment and knowing how busy the Infusion Suite is I didn't know when they could get me back in. I went to bed just sick. I got up yesterday morning and called as soon as they opened hoping that one at the appointment desk would go and get someone to answer the Infusion Suite phone. She couldn't but she put me back there. I started to cry because I knew that meant I would have to leave a message and calls don't get returned till after 3 p.m. and who knows when and if they could get me in. God knew how bad I needed it. Loretta answered the phone and luckily she told me to come on in when I could get there. I told her that I could be there by 9:30. Now became my prayer time. Could I get down there without an accident. I packed me so extra undies and a pair of pants and I headed down there. Got checked in and went back to the Suite without a problem. I asked the nurse if my Dr. was in and if she could ask her if I could have that extra steroid that she usually lets me have when I'm having a bad attack. The Dr. authorized it. I had that before my treatment began. Now for sleep. I needed to sleep so I would have that dreaded accident. I didn't sleep. I stayed awake the whole time. I guess that was the steroid! LOL! I made it home without any problem. Thank you Lord! I feel better today. Gassy but better. What a blessing!
While I was there I asked the nurse for information about a Crohn's diet. She printed me off an article from Web MD. It pretty much listed everything that I'm eating on my JD diet. It did go on to say that to try cooking the food different ways as toleration could be found. They also said to alleviate foods to see if they cause problems. So...the new journey begins. I am going to back up and get off the nuts and 100% whole wheat bread and go from there. First I need to get my gut healed so I will eat foods that have low inflammation that my Wellness Coach sent me. I will figure out "Laura's Plan" like Anna asked me to. It may not be complete this week but I will have something to show her that I'm working on.
Now I want to talk about my parents. I'm not going to go into a long discussion about things because if you have been following me for long time you all know that they are a huge problem in my life. Just briefly through Anna I got the courage to sit down and talk to them about my hurts in my childhood and I go to tell them that I forgave them for how they had made me feel and that I knew that parenting doesn't come with a book and parents make huge mistakes because I know that I made a lot of mistakes in Stacey's life. Huge ones! Now that we are starting to have a better relationship I want to work on mending the things that I know I have caused her pain in her own little life. I don't ever want her to feel like I have had to. No one should ever feel unloved and unaccepted, untalented, a failure and a person who cannot do anything right! NO ONE!
This past weekend with my parents was the first since Christmas which went o.k. Not perfect, just o.k. I have come to accept that just o.k. is really perfect where my parents are concerned. I understand that they have their own problems but the saddest thing to me is that they don't see it. They don't realize the pain that they have caused and are causing in a child. They will not seek help because they feel like they are not doing anything wrong. It's not about the wrong that I'm feeling, it is all about the attitudes and sharp hurtful remarks that they keep blasting at me to make me continue to feel all the ways that I have to feel. They never ever ever have anything positive to say about me. Everything could be better that is it, that is their world. I know that deep down I have to accept that but my humanness, deep within my soul I need some acceptance. I need some encouragement from the two people who gave me life. Positive encouragement is all that I'm asking and that I need. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I may be wrong, but I will leave that question for Anna to answer and work with me on. She is going to hear about this.
OK, about last weekend. I need to share this so that you can understand just a glimpse of what I go through nearly and I say nearly every time I see my parents or even talk to the on the phone. I am having such a hard time with my feet since I'm back in the 390's I decided to make entertaining very easy. I had Mark pick up a box of cookies to offer after lunch on Saturday and because Shannon, Meredith, Mark and Dad are always looking for something sweet. I also had him pick up some muffins to offer along with oatmeal, eggs, toast, cereal and fruit for breakfast. I made Chalupas which is a family favorite that all I had to do is fry up some hamburger and puree some Ranch Style Beans and add to it with some seasonings, place it on a pre-fried tortilla, top with a little grated cheese and melt in the oven and top with onions, picante and lettuce and tomatoes. We ate off throw away plates. I had a sandwich spread for lunch. It was easy for me. The very first thing that my Mom said within 5 minutes of coming in my house was "Why did you by cookies and muffins when you know you don't need them?" in her most sarcastic, hateful voice which I'm used to. I told her that I bought them for Meredith, Shannon, Dad and Mark. She then mentioned the muffins and bitched about that. I'm use to this, I get it every time they come and I try to do something nice. Get this...she does this kind of crap when we go down there and just dares me to touch them. She makes it well known that she did it for Mark! That was the start. I just put her into my imaginary box that Anna has created in my MDR treatments. Saturday was Saturday and nothing else was said, not even when I got out a bought chocolate cream pie for dessert after dinner. Mind you the cookies were gone and mind you my mother enjoyed her fair share. I had one.
Sunday comes. Crohn's is really starting to act up. The plan was for all of us to go over to Shannon's and Meredith's so that Mom and Dad could see their little town home and we all were going to go and have lunch. My feet were killing me just from sitting. You don't realize how much you use your feet to sit up! I decided not to go and my parents made the biggest deal out of it. I was trying to be discrete about my fear of having an accident away from home and I needed some peace and quiet after the happenings of the day before. They didn't like it but the 3 of them went. My Dad actually called me and offered to bring me something home for lunch. I thanked him and he brought me home a roasted chicken breast, green beans and mashed potatoes. It was perfect.
After I ate Mom and I went into the living room where it was more comfortable and Mark and Dad went to watch golf. Mark hates golf but will suffer through it for my Dad's sake. My Mom told me about Shannon asking her if they told their friends about them and Patrick. My parents are having a hard time having a granddaughter who is gay. They are having a hard time talking about Patrick because of that. My mother's response was a down right lie to Shannon as she told her that they don't talk to their friends about family, grand kids and great grand kids. Come one...what do older people do amongst each other. They talk about all of that, because they are proud! I just made note to myself as I put her into my box that it was a bull-shit statement, that they didn't talk about us because they have shame about us. I'm very confident that they all know about their son who is Mr. Senior Vice President of New York Life but they don't talk about the grossly obese daughter, gay grand daughter and great grand son. They don't talk about their other great grandson because he is not really his since Stacey is not really mine. She is my step-daughter who I feel is my daughter. I've raised her (she came into my life at 3 years of age). You get the picture. Anyway I got her off the subject after I put her and her nasty comment in the box.
I started telling her little stories about JD and working out and we talked about Zumba and such. I told her about JD and my conversation about the goal he had in mind for me and that he felt like he could get me there in a year. BAD MISTAKE!!! I should have known better but hey you want to be able to talk about anything to your Mom right? Not her! The first comment out of her mouth was "So why don't you do what he says for you to do consistently so that you can get down to 200 lbs?" I about blew a gasket but managed to put that nasty comment and her into my box. I was not going to get into a argument or explanation with her on that subject, as far as I was concerned it was over. How does she not know that I am being perfect? It's because she has it planted in her head for all my life that I can't do anything right! Enough said! We were just looking at each other. I decided that it was time to try to talk to her about her negative comments and why couldn't she be positive and supportive for me. So I asked her "Momma, (I don't call her that often, only when I'm trying to be sweet and non-confrontational) why do you have to always be so negative?" O.M.G. She lays her head on the back of the sofa and I hear the worst moan, gasp purely Satanic grunt when she holds her head up and starts yelling at me. I just but my foot down and told her "This conversation is over." as I put her into the box again. I am really proud at how many times it kept coming up in my mind to put hurtful, negative things into my box and not to let them out. DMR is working!
The next thing that happened as we were talking about the fact that my Mom seems to be having a hard time losing any weight yet she says she is eating healthy and doing Zumba twice a week along with Ti Chi. She tells me what she eats and it sounds good but I also know what kind of food they serve for lunch and dinner at their retirement home and it is stuff out of a 5 star restaurant complete with menu and everything is in sauces and friend etc. It doesn't have any good food choices and I'm not sure scraping sauces off is going to do what she thinks it does. I'm sure it helps but we all know about hidden calories. I asked her how much she wanted to lose. I felt she was being hesitant and not wanting to answer so I apologized for my question about the time she told me about 50 lbs. She said she weighed 180. OMG! If I could weigh 180 I would be the happiest female on the planet!
I asked her if she thought that she could weigh and measure and track what she ate for a week. Well, I should have known that I would have gotten blasted about that. It was about a 10 minute lecture on she wasn't going to do Weight Watchers, she wasn't going to do weigh and measure that she knew what she was doing and yada, yada, yada. I just ended it by saying to her that I wouldn't know how I was doing without keeping a food journal and weighing and measuring everything. She went on and on and I just put her in the trusty box. The next comment out of her mouth which shocked me to the hilt was "My 50 lbs is harder than your 200 lbs" I knew that this one had to be slammed in the box and the frigging lid was going to have to chained closed. Before I did that all I said "You are crazy if you think 50 lbs is harder than 200 lbs" I slammed it all in the box and I told her that we were ending the conversation that we would never agree on that one. Really I don't know remember what we talked about then probably about the weather because that is about the only thing we can talk about with any pleasant comments. Sad so sad!
We tried watching Extreme Weight Loss edition with her talking through it the whole time telling me that I needed to do this and that like the girl did and asking me if I was listening. My Dad came in and asked in the middle "Have you all lost weight yet?" Needless to say I didn't see the show like I needed to and was thankful that I had the DVR set to record it. There were two pieces of chocolate pie left from the night before so I offered them to Mother first, then Dad, then Mark. Well of course my mother wanted it. Mark and Dad didn't so I ate the last piece and luckily I made it through without any ugliness! Probably because she was eating hers!
The next morning as they were getting into the car to leave, my Dad said this to me. "Get back on your program after this weekend. Promise me that you will get down to 200 lbs before I die." I thought "What the hell? You are 81 years old and I can't guarantee that it will happen and why do you want to say that kind of thing and put that kind of pressure on me because you know you mean the world to me?" All I knew to say was "I will Dad". I walked back into the house very sad about that last part of our goodbye and relief that I survived the visit only because of my ability to use "My Box!"
One last thing...Sunday night when Mark and I crawled in bed I told him what happened between my Mom and I. He told me that he had heard some of it. I started to cry. I hate to hurt but I was hurting...bad! I asked Mark "When will I ever be free? Is it going to be when they both die?" Mark told me "Be careful what you wish for. I feel like if you don't get this resolved with Anna's help and they do pass away you will never be free, it will be worse because you will never have closure." Later in the past few days and gain last night when I got into bed talking about my stress of his mother's passing, his sister's antics, my crohn's, my diet, ME and more ME! My dearest sweet husband told me. You need to get Anna to help you. Your parents are not going to change. She needs to help you find the closure you need now. She can do it." He knows, since his major was psychology in college he always knows what my therapists are doing but will never tell me. He just tells me "I know where they are going." Burns me up! LOL!
Going to go and start to work on my plan! Later!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
HELP!!!!
I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone,
Help!
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone,
Help!
You all know when I get silent there is trouble. There has been trouble. I have lost my way. There has been so much going on. I don't know where to start but I feel the need to catch you all up. Let's see. The last time I wrote I was sick with a bladder infection. I had gotten a idea to cook some meals ahead and use some food containers to do so. I have found Ziploc food containers and they have found a new home in the junk room/office of our home. Good place for them huh? NOT!
There has been been more antics in regards Mark's mother's estate and with his middle sister. There is really no need to go into all of it here because this is suppose to be about me and my weight loss journey but I will say that this is going to hell in a hand basket. Amazing what sibling can do to cause pain to the other two, the stress it can cause and disappointment and hurt. It has truly broken my spirit as I love Mark's family but I have truly lost all respect for his middle sister. This situation has not only broken my heart but the stress of being a part of it and watching and living through what Mark and Nancy are going through has caused my crohn's disease to be helter skelter!
I have not been working out with JD and while I am not binging I'm not doing what I know that I should do. I have found out many things that I'm trying to eat is also contributing to my crohn's getting all out of whack. Crohn's is a inflammatory disease and some of the foods that I have turned to eating cause inflammation. Things like 100% whole wheat bread, nuts, broccoli, cabbage, brussel sprouts etc. My insurance company provides me with a Wellness Coach who I have been working with for several months in regards to my diet and they have educated me on a lot of things that I wasn't aware of in regards to Crohns. One is a list of foods that cause inflammation. It pretty much sums up 75% of what I'm trying to eat, so as time has gone on I have felt lost in what to do.
What to do? Continue to find my way or give up and go back to Weight Watchers. ARG! I don't want to go back to Weight Watchers because I don't want to have to deal with Mike but more so I just don't want to do that anymore. Do I just find a private dietician who can help be put together a plan for someone who suffers with crohn's or do I just branch out with the information that I have and find my own way?
My head is not in the weight loss/exercise game. I have been lazy, I have been laying around and spending way too much time on the computer, yet I didn't want to blog. Makes a whole lot of sense doesn't it. No! I'm just tired. Deep down I'm just tired of it all.
My parents have been up for a visit last weekend and this week I have had to deal with many rude things that my mother has inflicted upon me. I'm still sorting that all out. I also need to say that I went almost a month not seeing Anna and I did get to see her this past Thursday. It wasn't enough time to even tell her all of the hurt and pain of last weekend. My deep feelings are this..."Why does a mother feel the need to put down, look down, hurt, destroy her only daughter?" "When am I ever going to be free of her flaming arrows?" "What can I do to make her love me for me?" "Am I such a ugly nasty person?" "Why am I such a failure?" The freaking list goes on. My mind is screaming for FREEDOM!!!!! My husband is telling me "Watch what you wish for!" He has also told me that all these feelings and emotions are not going to stop when she passes on. He has warned me that they will be worse because they will never be resolved. He told me that Anna and I need to get to work on this NOW! Mark was a psychology major so he knows more than he is willing to be involved because he is the husband and son-in-law. I'm so tired of all the pain. More on this past weekend later on this week. I do have some things that I need to vent about.
So...to keep this for getting too lengthy, let me say this. Anna gave me a assignment this week to work on "Laura's Plan". She wants me to figure out my own program. She wants me to set my own goals and we will discuss it this week. I have talked to JD and told him that I was sick of when my head is in this game, his head is not (he has cancelled on me because "I have demons to deal with"). He can be on fire to help me and my head isn't in it and I don't want to do anything. I'm now wondering if JD and I are meant to be together. The last time that JD had it out the gym manager and I talked and he told me he wasn't 100% sure that JD was the best fit for me. There is a trainer at the gym named Karina who has lost a lot of weight, has a client with Crohns that only has half of her colon. I told JD yesterday through text messages that I want to talk to Karina. That is one of my goals this next week. Will I change trainers. I don't know.
So...see why I'm screaming HELP! I do need somebody! Help! Not just anybody! Help! You know I need someone....HELP!
Friday, July 6, 2012
Sick Again!!!
I woke up Monday morning with a flippin bladder infection Luckily I was able to get an appointment to see my Primary Care Physician Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I woke up with another headache. Nothing as bad as the last but my left side of my head does hurt. It will be good to ask him what this is about as well. I know that he is going to scream about my weight. Well, he didn't scream about my weight but he did confirm that I had a bladder infection and gave me some meds. I am feeling a whole lot better. I go back in a month for a complete physical. I asked him to check to see if I have become insulin resistant and he said that he would add it to the lab order that I need to do before the appointment.
<Note: I don't know what happened but half of what I have written just flippin disappeared!!! Boy does that make me soooo mad!!!!!!> Now let me see if I can remember all that I said!
<Note: I don't know what happened but half of what I have written just flippin disappeared!!! Boy does that make me soooo mad!!!!!!> Now let me see if I can remember all that I said!
I think I talked about feeling like I was on a roller coaster about this weight. A never ending one. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do I feel like I just don't have the fight any more? I guess I have been at this for so long, wanting it so bad and feel like I'm back at square one all over again. How many times am I going to have to lose the same flipping hundred pounds. It just pisses me off! I sometimes feel like I just want someone to come and do it for me. I'm tired of fighting! How do I get my mojo back????
Needless to say that all kinds of lights went off in my pea brain. Why haven't I thought about this???!!!! My biggest downfall is dinner. I don't know why it is but come dinner time I just don't want to cook. How cool is this? I could cook up some chicken and fish and some different veggies and make up some dinners for the week. I don't have problems with the other meals during the day but dinner is hell on me and my diet. It is the one meal that can have me feeling like a failure and wanting to throw in the towel.
So...I'm on a mission. I emailed Ericka and found out if these were The Lunch Box Lady's containers or Ziplock containers. She told me that she used Ziplock. Now that I'm looking for the things I'm having the dickens trying to find them. I've check out the grocery stores in the area and a few Wal-Mart's. Next stop...Target and I hope that they have them. If not I know that I can get them on-line at Amazon. I'm going to start out cheap and if this really works for me then I will invest in The Lunch Box Lady's containers because they are truly heavier than the Ziplock. She has a video on YouTube showing the difference but her's are about $14 for four containers and I need 10 so...
I really hope that this helps. I could cook on the weekend and get everything ready and clean up the kitchen once and hurt my feet once and then there would be no more eating out! That would be such a good thing and I'm sure it will make all the difference in the world!
What do you think?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Time Has Gotten Away! O.M.G.!
You know life happened! I was sick the first part of the week and then I started feeling better and I took off and forgot about keep you all up to my goings on. I'm so sorry!
Thursday was my 26th wedding anniversary and I also cut all my hair off. I'm loving the new hairstyle and I've been wondering why did I ever just bite the bullet and change stylist a long time ago. Jodi did a wonderful job and I'm going back next Thursday to get a treatment done that will help me blow-dry my wavy hair and will kill the frizz! I'm so excited. It's expensive but I want to give it a try. They used a shampoo and conditioner on my hair that really helped but I really want to see what the treatment really does. When Jodi finished my hair and gave me a mirror to look at it I teared up because it was so beautiful. She spent over 2 hours coloring and cutting my hair. It cost e $150 but it was worth every single cent! I felt beautiful and I hadn't felt that in a very long time. I felt hopeful, that one day all of me will be beautiful. I'm really starting to feel that I deserve it. I just wished that my head would come to the realization that "I have to do the work and I have to work hard at this!!!" Why is it so hard?
Thursday night Mark surprised me with a beautiful card and a single red rose. We have this thing about a single red rose on our Anniversary. When he proposed to me he gave me a long stem red rose that he accidently broke getting it out of the car. This is the 2nd red rose that he has ever given me. My favorite flower is red tulips and that is what I usually get for Valentines. He then took me to our favorite restaurant Perry's and enjoyed a beautiful dinner and brought home a ton of left overs! It was a beautiful day and evening!
Friday I wasn't feeling the greatest again. I did go and have lunch with my neighbor Rae and we had a really good time. Usually we go shopping but I think that she is finally learning at this weight I just can't shop tll you drop like she can. She brought me back home and she went on over to see her daughter and grandson. Mark came home with dinner as we were not ready to have what we ate the night before. We just hung out the rest of the evening watching TV.
Yesterday I woke up with the worst headache ever! It was really scary because I never have a headache. It was so bad I thought that I was going to get Mark to take me to the hospital. He got me some Tylenol and I fell back asleep and when I woke up it was gone and it hasn't come back. I did deal with a bad crohn's attack all day long and we had to cancel dinner plans with our new neighors. We just hung out in front of the TV all day long. We had lots of rain and I messed around on the internet. I was researching something. What? Stay tuned and I'll let you in on it tomorrow!
My eating is out of contol again. Not bad but I have not journaled all week. JD is going to kill me! I really don't believe that I'm exceeding my calories because I'm not eating a lot. I'm just not eating my 5 times a day. I've only been eating twice a day and not much when I do eat. So...here we go again...getting back on track! I wish this wasn't so hard! Why does it have to be? Maybe we need to explore my head some more!
Thursday was my 26th wedding anniversary and I also cut all my hair off. I'm loving the new hairstyle and I've been wondering why did I ever just bite the bullet and change stylist a long time ago. Jodi did a wonderful job and I'm going back next Thursday to get a treatment done that will help me blow-dry my wavy hair and will kill the frizz! I'm so excited. It's expensive but I want to give it a try. They used a shampoo and conditioner on my hair that really helped but I really want to see what the treatment really does. When Jodi finished my hair and gave me a mirror to look at it I teared up because it was so beautiful. She spent over 2 hours coloring and cutting my hair. It cost e $150 but it was worth every single cent! I felt beautiful and I hadn't felt that in a very long time. I felt hopeful, that one day all of me will be beautiful. I'm really starting to feel that I deserve it. I just wished that my head would come to the realization that "I have to do the work and I have to work hard at this!!!" Why is it so hard?
Thursday night Mark surprised me with a beautiful card and a single red rose. We have this thing about a single red rose on our Anniversary. When he proposed to me he gave me a long stem red rose that he accidently broke getting it out of the car. This is the 2nd red rose that he has ever given me. My favorite flower is red tulips and that is what I usually get for Valentines. He then took me to our favorite restaurant Perry's and enjoyed a beautiful dinner and brought home a ton of left overs! It was a beautiful day and evening!
Friday I wasn't feeling the greatest again. I did go and have lunch with my neighbor Rae and we had a really good time. Usually we go shopping but I think that she is finally learning at this weight I just can't shop tll you drop like she can. She brought me back home and she went on over to see her daughter and grandson. Mark came home with dinner as we were not ready to have what we ate the night before. We just hung out the rest of the evening watching TV.
Yesterday I woke up with the worst headache ever! It was really scary because I never have a headache. It was so bad I thought that I was going to get Mark to take me to the hospital. He got me some Tylenol and I fell back asleep and when I woke up it was gone and it hasn't come back. I did deal with a bad crohn's attack all day long and we had to cancel dinner plans with our new neighors. We just hung out in front of the TV all day long. We had lots of rain and I messed around on the internet. I was researching something. What? Stay tuned and I'll let you in on it tomorrow!
My eating is out of contol again. Not bad but I have not journaled all week. JD is going to kill me! I really don't believe that I'm exceeding my calories because I'm not eating a lot. I'm just not eating my 5 times a day. I've only been eating twice a day and not much when I do eat. So...here we go again...getting back on track! I wish this wasn't so hard! Why does it have to be? Maybe we need to explore my head some more!
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