I'm still on my same trend of not sleeping well and getting up around 3:00 and going to the media and going back to sleep. My cat Bert is driving me crazy. He has started sleeping on my pillow. It's o.k. until I need to flip it and you just can't flip a 15 pound cat easily. Then there is Ernie who has positioned himself in the small space between Mark ad I and then Oliver who is behind my knees. Fun! I love my boys but I'm praying that they find a different place to crash at night.
I cut myself a little short on time to get ready to see Dr. Michel so I had to wear my hair curly. Not sure if I mentioned it but my ex-hairdresser talked me into a different cut and to wear my hair curly. Well, I tried to like it but I just don't. When I blew it out straight i really saw what a mess she made of my hair, so I had to get it fixed and it is shorter than I like and I will not go back to her. It is nice though when I don't have time to blow it dry and flat iron it I can scrunch it and go!
On my way up there I was talking to my dear friend Bobbie and my stomach got crampy! Of course I decided this morning that I would need my bag which contains the items I need to help with my hygiene since my weight has gone up so much. Well, I got caught and I could have died and cried all at the same time. I did not want to miss my appointment. I have to pay unless I give 24 hours notice. I did the best that I could and disgusted and embarrassed as I was I walked down the hall to the office and I prayed like a crazy women that I didn't smell. I'm telling you this only because when you get into this kind of shape this a reality of your life. It is the worse thing ever and just think about the grossly obese people you see nearly everyday and know that they have that same issue. It is so freakin sad. Do I accept responsibility to getting in the shape. You bet I do. But I will tell you words can't describe how I feel about it. Rest assured I will not talk about this again. Right now I hate my life! I'm so miserable!
My sessions with Dr. Michel have been helpful but kinda light right now. I think it's because she has been trying to catch Anna and talk to her. Today she asked me how our session went last Thursday and I told her that Anna just doesn't want to work in the capacity that I had hoped for. She wants to keep my sessions separate and just work on whatever I think I need additional help with. I then told Dr. Michel that Anna did some hypnosis on helping me get in contact with my inner body and when she got to my gut my thoughts were dieting. I told her that Anna told me that dieting didn't mean that I needed to go on a diet but could possibly be my body telling me that it wants to eat more healthy. She could be right because these last months I have really enjoyed some of the forbidden food from all the dieting years. Of course this is within mindfulness most of the time. Dr. Michel expressed her concern with what Anna wanted to do in that she realizes that therapists have their own style and approach and her concern that they could be different and could possibly cause some confusion. I can see and understand that one So I decided that for now I am going to slow down my seeing Anna to every other week so that she can be aware of what is going on but not really do any work with her. At the price of this extensive work I know it can't last forever and I'm pretty sure that this will change and Anna will be primary and will be following up with Dr. Michel at some point in time We will just have to see.
She asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was disgusted with myself. I told her that I didn't know why I could do something great for about 3 weeks and then life happens and I go to pieces and what I'm doing just follows the trend. I told her that Kathy and I had a great session and that Kathy did not want me to be eating at our "habit" places and to find new places. We also set some new goals and I was really pumped to get it all going when I left her office. I told by that night Mark got home and he was tired and he didn't want to help me cook so he asked me "Could you just put off starting this till tomorrow" and I said o.k. Well, Dr. Michel just about came unglued and told me we have got to get the two of you started in the marriage counseling. She says Mark has got t understand that he can't do this. She said that was really bad. I knew it but I also told her that I let him and went along with him. I guess this is why they want us to see a Eating Disorder Marriage Counselor which we start this coming Saturday. Back to the issue, I told Dr. Michel that I have even walked away from her sessions pumped and can't follow through. I told her that it was driving me crazy! I tried really hard to express that this has been a big hug downfall for me even during my dieting years. I told her somehow this has got to stop. I need help. She again told me that I was the one making the decisions and I need to realize that this is my opportunity to turn things around and when these negative behaviors start I need to stop and think about my actions and see that I have the opportunity not to make the bad choice. Boy is this habit going to be a hard one to break. I'm seeing just how hard this work is going to be. Thank God I don't have to deal with points, weighing and measuring and that kind of thing. I'm really starting to see that the work and energy is stopping and rewiring my brain! I know that I can do this. I will! I have to! I'm starting to also see where I need to really journal about these issues and break them down and work it out.
Dr. Michel asked me when I had my last binge. I told her when Mark and Stacey were in Galveston and I ordered the small pizza and sat in the media room and ate all of it. Then I told her that really I didn't truly understand if other things that I might be doing would constitute a binge. I told her that last week I wanted BBQ and I wanted a chicken and rib plate with double potato salad and so Mark brought that home for me. I told her that it had a leg, a thigh, 2 ribs and the potato salad and I ate all of it except for the 2nd potato salad. Her eyes got really big. She asked me how did you feel after eating that? Were you disgusted with yourself? I told her hell yea I was. She asked me how did my stomach feel and I told her I wasn't hurting but I felt really full and she told me that it was a binge. OMG! You know that is something this restaurant offers so that tells me the people going in there and eating that plate/combination are binging! Boy did that give me a clear picture of how bad eating out. It is a binge for me every time! I've got so much to learn and work on! She also told me that there was some new criteria out that classified rather or not you had Binge Eating Disorder. She said that if you binged at least 2 to 3 ties a week for a period of 3 months you had the disorder. Well, I"m there! She told me that when I get to the point that I haven't binged for 3 months I'm on the road to recovery. Well my first thought. Dang this will be a piece of cake and then I remembered that I can only behave well for about 3 weeks and then she busted my bubble on my BBQ habit and I see that maybe those 3 weeks were really not so great. She told me that she wanted me to take BBQ off my list for now. Dang! But I will do it. I do want to get well.
She then talked to me about a plaque that she has hanging in her office. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step" (or something like that). She told me that I needed to surround myself with positive things like that. She went ad pulled the plaque off the wall and showed it to me. I have already been looking for things that would remind me to have Hope. She has already told me that without hope recovery is not possible. She did also ask me my thoughts of the Serenity Prayer. I used to love that but my time in OA turned me off to it. I will have to work on getting out to see what positive little plaques or things that I can sit around my house to remind me of this journey and to have hope to keep my strength to fight up.
That was pretty much our session today. And you know what? I blew it already! My neighbor Rae's birthday was yesterday and I wanted to take over the gift I got her but I found out that she was alone and very disappointed that her kids had not planned anything for her birthday. So I acted like we were going out for dinner and our plan was if she wasn't doing anything we also wanted to treat her to dinner for her special day. OK. I thought, I can deal with it. Well we asked her what she would like to eat and she wanted Mexican food. OMG. I was overly hungry because it had been too long since my snack so I over did it on chips, salsa and queso. When they brought me my cheese enchiladas and sat it down in front of me I became way overwhelmed. Mark and Rae both asked me what was wrong and I told them nothing but kept staring at this plate of food that I all of a sudden didn't want. Mark said "You are going to eat that aren't you?" and knowing how he is about wasting money I told him that I was and even though I didn't want to I managed to eat the enchiladas but left everything else. They didn't even taste good. Humm....I wonder if that was because I wasn't hungry. Again I messed up...
Oh boy...I have so much to learn...I feel big wheels are beginning to turn this week. Hold on for the trip to my extensive therapy and journey to recovery....
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
Finally Feel Like Writing...
I think that I am. I need to be!
So much has run together and I don't really have a good train of thought about everything because I'm telling you seeing 2 therapist, a dietitian every week has been a walk on the wild side for me. My head is spinning a bit but this is what I asked for. Intensive treatment. Yet, they are telling me if I had gone to a center for help it would have been all waking hours in some form of therapy. So I asked for it and I'm kinda thankful that I didn't take the other route.
I love Dr. Michel! She is incredible and really knows her stuff. She knows how to pick me up when I am down and she is able to turn me around when I'm looking at things in the wrong light without any harsh words. She is amazing. I have also found out she has written a book and several articles and she is known around the word in the field of eating disorders, so I feel that I am very very lucky to have the chance to work for her. Do I like the $150.00 a week? No. But I have to admit it is money that is well spent. Here is her bio:
Dr. Michel has devoted her career to the study and treatment of eating disorders. After receiving a Bachelor of Science degree in psychology from Texas A&M University, she continued her studies in clinical psychology and obtained her doctorate from The University of North Texas. While in graduate school, she began research in the area of eating disorders. She was then invited to Tulane University School of Medicine to complete her predoctoral internship as well as obtain specialty training in eating disorders under the direction of Susan Willard, an internationally recognized expert in the field. Dr. Michel is a Certified Eating Disorders Specialist (CEDS), which is a certification status granted by the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals to healthcare professionals who demonstrate clinical expertise in eating disorders through education, experience, and examination.
Dr. Michel has presented nationally and internationally on anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, and obesity. Her publications include the book entitled, When Dieting Becomes Dangerous: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Anorexia and Bulimia, as well as the first published article on the treatment of selective eating in adults. Research endeavors have focused on assessment, treatment, and prevention of eating disorders. She also founded and directed a weight management clinic within the Tulane Eating Disorders Program.
Dr. Michel has held academic appointments at Tulane University School of Medicine in the departments of Psychiatry and Neurology and in Public Health and Tropical Medicine. While at Tulane, she was actively involved in the training of psychology interns, psychiatric residents, and medical students as well as specialists in other areas of medicine. She also served as Co-Director of the Tulane Psychology Intern Training Program and participated in various academic committee activities including a Louisiana state-sponsored initiative on obesity.
In addition to directing services at The Woodlands Eating Disorders Center, Dr. Michel provides clinical consultation services to area schools, community organizations, and healthcare professionals. She also presents educational lectures to professionals, schools, and the general community. Dr. Michel continues to publish articles on eating disorders in professional journals as well as in community magazines.
Dr. Michel is an active member of the Academy for Eating Disorders, American Psychological Association, Houston Psychological Association, National Eating Disorders Association, Sam Houston Area Psychological Association, Society of Clinical Psychology, and Texas Psychological Association. She is a charter member of Houston Eating Disorders Specialists and serves on its executive board.
So much has run together and I don't really have a good train of thought about everything because I'm telling you seeing 2 therapist, a dietitian every week has been a walk on the wild side for me. My head is spinning a bit but this is what I asked for. Intensive treatment. Yet, they are telling me if I had gone to a center for help it would have been all waking hours in some form of therapy. So I asked for it and I'm kinda thankful that I didn't take the other route.
I love Dr. Michel! She is incredible and really knows her stuff. She knows how to pick me up when I am down and she is able to turn me around when I'm looking at things in the wrong light without any harsh words. She is amazing. I have also found out she has written a book and several articles and she is known around the word in the field of eating disorders, so I feel that I am very very lucky to have the chance to work for her. Do I like the $150.00 a week? No. But I have to admit it is money that is well spent. Here is her bio:
Dr. Michel has devoted her career to the study and treatment of eating disorders. After receiving a Bachelor of Science degree in psychology from Texas A&M University, she continued her studies in clinical psychology and obtained her doctorate from The University of North Texas. While in graduate school, she began research in the area of eating disorders. She was then invited to Tulane University School of Medicine to complete her predoctoral internship as well as obtain specialty training in eating disorders under the direction of Susan Willard, an internationally recognized expert in the field. Dr. Michel is a Certified Eating Disorders Specialist (CEDS), which is a certification status granted by the International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals to healthcare professionals who demonstrate clinical expertise in eating disorders through education, experience, and examination.
Dr. Michel has presented nationally and internationally on anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, and obesity. Her publications include the book entitled, When Dieting Becomes Dangerous: A Guide to Understanding and Treating Anorexia and Bulimia, as well as the first published article on the treatment of selective eating in adults. Research endeavors have focused on assessment, treatment, and prevention of eating disorders. She also founded and directed a weight management clinic within the Tulane Eating Disorders Program.
Dr. Michel has held academic appointments at Tulane University School of Medicine in the departments of Psychiatry and Neurology and in Public Health and Tropical Medicine. While at Tulane, she was actively involved in the training of psychology interns, psychiatric residents, and medical students as well as specialists in other areas of medicine. She also served as Co-Director of the Tulane Psychology Intern Training Program and participated in various academic committee activities including a Louisiana state-sponsored initiative on obesity.
In addition to directing services at The Woodlands Eating Disorders Center, Dr. Michel provides clinical consultation services to area schools, community organizations, and healthcare professionals. She also presents educational lectures to professionals, schools, and the general community. Dr. Michel continues to publish articles on eating disorders in professional journals as well as in community magazines.
Dr. Michel is an active member of the Academy for Eating Disorders, American Psychological Association, Houston Psychological Association, National Eating Disorders Association, Sam Houston Area Psychological Association, Society of Clinical Psychology, and Texas Psychological Association. She is a charter member of Houston Eating Disorders Specialists and serves on its executive board.
So what do you think? Pretty qualified? I think so.
My first session with her was basically going over my dieting history and we didn't get to finish it. My second session with her was when I was a mess from Kathy reprimanding me for an hour that drove me to tears. She helped me see things in a different light by thinking back to when was the last time I felt like that before and it ended up being my mother. She ended showing me that it was an opportunity to be working with them and that they were not out to make me miserable but there to help. I think that she smoothed that all over and then had a pretty stern talk with Kathy because the following Saturday Mark had his first group session for family members and Kathy was in the office and I asked to talk to her and she didn't let me say much before telling me that she knew that Dr. Michel and I talked and she (Kathy) didn't feel like I heard anything she said and boy you can know that I told her that I heard every single word she said. She almost started on me again but her client came in and saved me! I think that this was when I quit writing. I can tell you that I was scared to death to see her the next week. I was pleasantly surprised that she was very nice and we had one of the best sessions ever! The way our sessions have remained. Thank God!
Kathy is pretty much working with me on shopping for things that look good. We did away with "good" and "bad" foods and "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods because it just gave my mind grief and caused all kinds of rebellion. Now she wants me to look for things that look good. Here is the example that she gave me. Let's say I'm shopping in the produce department and I see some really beautiful peaches and they catch my eye and I say to myself, "Man those are beautiful peaches, I would love one." then I need to buy it. Another example she gave me if I have pork chops on my list but I walk past the meat counter and some pretty steaks jump out at me then get the steaks and forget the pork chops. So I'm to eat what looks good. The problem so far is that I haven't shopped yet. We have talked about me shopping at smaller stores that are not overwhelming to me since my weight has crept back up over 420 lbs. That's right. Really sick. We will not discuss where my mind has been at. It is not in the best of places. I'm so disgusted with myself. Kathy has been working with me to pick different places to eat besides our usual and to pick things that are lower in sodium and menu items that are closer as to what I could get at home if possible. My problem which just came to me this weekend is I'm so embarrassed to get out that now I'm not leaving the house except to go and see my treatment team or my Doctors. I feel like all I do is waddle like a damn duck every where I go. I know that my weight is dangerously high and something has got to start happening but they tell me to "Trust the process" and I'm telling you that is wearing on my last nerve!
Just this last week my sleeping schedule got all off because of Shannon and Meredith's breakup and one day Mark called me about 4 times and could not wake me. He came home from the office scared to death that I had passed away only to find me sleeping and I didn't hear my phone. This is bad. Pray for me!!!!!!
I asked Dr. Michel one week if there was any hope for me. She told me that there is always hope. She reminded me of the Hope sign that she has in her waiting room. She told me without hope there is no recovery. I asked her with my eating disorder going on for nearly 50 years would I ever fully recover and she told me that I would. She said she would not be doing what she is doing if people like me didn't recover. I have no patience. Kathy and I talked about that last week as well. Kathy admitted she loses hers easily and I know that is right so I hope she can be patient while she is working with a tough stubborn person like me! Dr. Michel is having me reading my books again and for the last several weeks has been trying to hook up with Anna so that they can work together. I told Dr. Michel that I wanted her to run the show and I thought a good idea was to have Anna reinforce what she (Dr. Michel) did on Monday when I see Anna on Thursday. Well I found out this last week that Anna isn't crazy about that idea. Anna just wants to see what I need each week after working with them and she will help me further. Kathy doesn't like the idea but I don't care what she thinks. This about Dr. Michel and I see her in the morning and we'll see what happens. We have even talked about me taking a break from Anna for about 12 weeks. I don't want to do that. The other thing that Dr. Michel has suggested is that Mark and I go to marital counseling and we should start that soon. This isn't because we have problems but because he needs to understand eating disorders and what will help me and what will not help me. And I guess for me not to bite his head off when he won't do what I want. This should be interesting but I can see where it is needed.
Next week on Wednesday evenings I start my Mindful Eating Support Group and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping like crazy that it will help me with mindfulness. Another therapist Stacy and Kathy will be leading this 6 week support group.
I've missed a week with Anna because she was on vacation and then one week I looked at the clock wrong and missed a session with her. It was funny but it really wasn't because I love getting to see Anna and getting to unload my feelings. She thinks that they are doing too much but I'm not sure she is grasping that I asked for this and this is what I would be getting if I checked in to a in-house clinic somewhere. Hopefully her and Dr. Michel will connect real soon and we will see if Anna is going to work during this extensive time or not. This will not go on forever. Just to get me moving towards recovery a little quicker and more steadily.
So have I boggled your minds? Can you understand why getting behind has overwhelmed me? I'm sure there are tons that I'm forgetting but this is the jest of what is going on. On Monday's I see Dr. Michel for a hour, soon on Wednesday evenings I will have a group session on Mindful Eating, Thursday morning I have Anna at 10:00 and then I have Kathy at 11:30. The marital counseling will start soon on Saturday's. Mark goes to a group once a month for family support. That is it in a nutshell. Of course I'm reading books, and journaling and trying to balance friends that don't understand. I'm feeling very lonely these days. I feel all by myself and lost in a big, big world. I know that I will emerge out of this once again in a better place. I just have to trust the process..
I'm sad to say that I'm feeling bad about reconciling my friendship with Mike. He is so bad for me. He will not stay out of what I'm doing. He tells me that my team doesn't know what they are doing that I need to find people who will help me and blah, blah, blah. Just this week he told me that when he was coaching me in Weight Watchers that I lied to him because someone in our group told him that I had told them that I had a hard week with my eating but told him that I was good all week. I can tell you I lost it. I could have torn that man in two! I never lied to him, I made my journal available to him at all times but he didn't want to see it and why? He said that I lied on it!!!! Anyway I told him whoever told him this was a damn liar. He then told me that he would believe me because I was his friend. That was my final draw for him this week. This conversation was all because I told him that Kathy knew by my recovery record rather or not I was losing weight and that was why they didn't want me to weigh. That is what they told me. I trust my team. He told me that he and his buddy talked about that and it wasn't true because people with food problems lie. Well I don't. Why would I want to? I want to get well! I want to recover! I want to be healthy!!!!! Why do I want to pay over $1,000.00 a month and lie?????!!!!! Insurance is not paying a dime for any of this except Anna! He is such a pig-ass!!!! I love Sandy who supports me 100%. I may try talking to her about Mike and see if she can help me. Mike and I can be friends if he stays out of this part of my life. This week my goal is not to allow him to ask me anything about what is going on, how my sessions are going, nothing. nada. Wish me luck! If he doesn't then he will have to permanently not be a part of my life!!!!!
Tomorrow I will share with you about some things that I found on the Internet that are helping me a lot. Some blogs and some talks that can be listened to on-line. The Eating Disorder field is a large one and full of very experienced people. If only the dieting industry and the Eating Disorder Industry to could get together and see eye to eye and work together, this word would be a better place and there would be a lot of happy people who would be free from what is weighing them down and we know what that is.....WEIGHT!
Tomorrow I will also share with you how my session with Dr. Michel goes and hopefully I will keep you all more up to date about my treatment process. Thanks for hanging in there with me! This is going to get better. At least that is what they are telling me!
My first session with her was basically going over my dieting history and we didn't get to finish it. My second session with her was when I was a mess from Kathy reprimanding me for an hour that drove me to tears. She helped me see things in a different light by thinking back to when was the last time I felt like that before and it ended up being my mother. She ended showing me that it was an opportunity to be working with them and that they were not out to make me miserable but there to help. I think that she smoothed that all over and then had a pretty stern talk with Kathy because the following Saturday Mark had his first group session for family members and Kathy was in the office and I asked to talk to her and she didn't let me say much before telling me that she knew that Dr. Michel and I talked and she (Kathy) didn't feel like I heard anything she said and boy you can know that I told her that I heard every single word she said. She almost started on me again but her client came in and saved me! I think that this was when I quit writing. I can tell you that I was scared to death to see her the next week. I was pleasantly surprised that she was very nice and we had one of the best sessions ever! The way our sessions have remained. Thank God!
Kathy is pretty much working with me on shopping for things that look good. We did away with "good" and "bad" foods and "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods because it just gave my mind grief and caused all kinds of rebellion. Now she wants me to look for things that look good. Here is the example that she gave me. Let's say I'm shopping in the produce department and I see some really beautiful peaches and they catch my eye and I say to myself, "Man those are beautiful peaches, I would love one." then I need to buy it. Another example she gave me if I have pork chops on my list but I walk past the meat counter and some pretty steaks jump out at me then get the steaks and forget the pork chops. So I'm to eat what looks good. The problem so far is that I haven't shopped yet. We have talked about me shopping at smaller stores that are not overwhelming to me since my weight has crept back up over 420 lbs. That's right. Really sick. We will not discuss where my mind has been at. It is not in the best of places. I'm so disgusted with myself. Kathy has been working with me to pick different places to eat besides our usual and to pick things that are lower in sodium and menu items that are closer as to what I could get at home if possible. My problem which just came to me this weekend is I'm so embarrassed to get out that now I'm not leaving the house except to go and see my treatment team or my Doctors. I feel like all I do is waddle like a damn duck every where I go. I know that my weight is dangerously high and something has got to start happening but they tell me to "Trust the process" and I'm telling you that is wearing on my last nerve!
Just this last week my sleeping schedule got all off because of Shannon and Meredith's breakup and one day Mark called me about 4 times and could not wake me. He came home from the office scared to death that I had passed away only to find me sleeping and I didn't hear my phone. This is bad. Pray for me!!!!!!
I asked Dr. Michel one week if there was any hope for me. She told me that there is always hope. She reminded me of the Hope sign that she has in her waiting room. She told me without hope there is no recovery. I asked her with my eating disorder going on for nearly 50 years would I ever fully recover and she told me that I would. She said she would not be doing what she is doing if people like me didn't recover. I have no patience. Kathy and I talked about that last week as well. Kathy admitted she loses hers easily and I know that is right so I hope she can be patient while she is working with a tough stubborn person like me! Dr. Michel is having me reading my books again and for the last several weeks has been trying to hook up with Anna so that they can work together. I told Dr. Michel that I wanted her to run the show and I thought a good idea was to have Anna reinforce what she (Dr. Michel) did on Monday when I see Anna on Thursday. Well I found out this last week that Anna isn't crazy about that idea. Anna just wants to see what I need each week after working with them and she will help me further. Kathy doesn't like the idea but I don't care what she thinks. This about Dr. Michel and I see her in the morning and we'll see what happens. We have even talked about me taking a break from Anna for about 12 weeks. I don't want to do that. The other thing that Dr. Michel has suggested is that Mark and I go to marital counseling and we should start that soon. This isn't because we have problems but because he needs to understand eating disorders and what will help me and what will not help me. And I guess for me not to bite his head off when he won't do what I want. This should be interesting but I can see where it is needed.
Next week on Wednesday evenings I start my Mindful Eating Support Group and I'm excited about that. I'm hoping like crazy that it will help me with mindfulness. Another therapist Stacy and Kathy will be leading this 6 week support group.
I've missed a week with Anna because she was on vacation and then one week I looked at the clock wrong and missed a session with her. It was funny but it really wasn't because I love getting to see Anna and getting to unload my feelings. She thinks that they are doing too much but I'm not sure she is grasping that I asked for this and this is what I would be getting if I checked in to a in-house clinic somewhere. Hopefully her and Dr. Michel will connect real soon and we will see if Anna is going to work during this extensive time or not. This will not go on forever. Just to get me moving towards recovery a little quicker and more steadily.
So have I boggled your minds? Can you understand why getting behind has overwhelmed me? I'm sure there are tons that I'm forgetting but this is the jest of what is going on. On Monday's I see Dr. Michel for a hour, soon on Wednesday evenings I will have a group session on Mindful Eating, Thursday morning I have Anna at 10:00 and then I have Kathy at 11:30. The marital counseling will start soon on Saturday's. Mark goes to a group once a month for family support. That is it in a nutshell. Of course I'm reading books, and journaling and trying to balance friends that don't understand. I'm feeling very lonely these days. I feel all by myself and lost in a big, big world. I know that I will emerge out of this once again in a better place. I just have to trust the process..
I'm sad to say that I'm feeling bad about reconciling my friendship with Mike. He is so bad for me. He will not stay out of what I'm doing. He tells me that my team doesn't know what they are doing that I need to find people who will help me and blah, blah, blah. Just this week he told me that when he was coaching me in Weight Watchers that I lied to him because someone in our group told him that I had told them that I had a hard week with my eating but told him that I was good all week. I can tell you I lost it. I could have torn that man in two! I never lied to him, I made my journal available to him at all times but he didn't want to see it and why? He said that I lied on it!!!! Anyway I told him whoever told him this was a damn liar. He then told me that he would believe me because I was his friend. That was my final draw for him this week. This conversation was all because I told him that Kathy knew by my recovery record rather or not I was losing weight and that was why they didn't want me to weigh. That is what they told me. I trust my team. He told me that he and his buddy talked about that and it wasn't true because people with food problems lie. Well I don't. Why would I want to? I want to get well! I want to recover! I want to be healthy!!!!! Why do I want to pay over $1,000.00 a month and lie?????!!!!! Insurance is not paying a dime for any of this except Anna! He is such a pig-ass!!!! I love Sandy who supports me 100%. I may try talking to her about Mike and see if she can help me. Mike and I can be friends if he stays out of this part of my life. This week my goal is not to allow him to ask me anything about what is going on, how my sessions are going, nothing. nada. Wish me luck! If he doesn't then he will have to permanently not be a part of my life!!!!!
Tomorrow I will share with you about some things that I found on the Internet that are helping me a lot. Some blogs and some talks that can be listened to on-line. The Eating Disorder field is a large one and full of very experienced people. If only the dieting industry and the Eating Disorder Industry to could get together and see eye to eye and work together, this word would be a better place and there would be a lot of happy people who would be free from what is weighing them down and we know what that is.....WEIGHT!
Tomorrow I will also share with you how my session with Dr. Michel goes and hopefully I will keep you all more up to date about my treatment process. Thanks for hanging in there with me! This is going to get better. At least that is what they are telling me!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Need some more time!
I found out yesterday that my nieces partner left her. She told her that she is not gay. I have been up all night and there is so much going on. I have Dr. Michel this morning and Remicade this afternoon. I need some prayers. And sleep. I will be back quickly. I promise. I just didn't want this to go another day but I just can't write now. Pray for Meredith, Shannon and Patrick. Me too as I'm the on that Meredith runs to. I need wisdom!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
I'm tired and I'm lost!
I know that I said that I would be out here today and write and I didn't. Stacey and I stayed up till after 1:00 a.m. talking and drinking wine. I stayed up another hour or so on my computer. I got up at 6:30 and visited with her and got them fed and off and I crashed and burned almost all day. I'm so exhausted and here it is nearly 1:00 a.m. again and I am going to bed.
I just read the last full post and boy am I every behind. I think tomorrow when I get home from seeing Anna and Kathy I am going to have to just give you the quick run through on things that have happened and things that I need to share. There is just so much and doing it the way I love by not wanting you to miss a minute of the journey I just can't remember it all at this point after having my daughter and grandson here! My mind is on their visit and remembering it all! LOL!
Don't get me wrong the short version is good too! Lots going on and things are really taking off. Two psychologists, one dietician and we are fixing to add a 3rd psychologist and a group session to the mix. That is just part of it. Believe me when I say things are starting to take off. My head is already spinning!
Till this afternoon...check back!
I just read the last full post and boy am I every behind. I think tomorrow when I get home from seeing Anna and Kathy I am going to have to just give you the quick run through on things that have happened and things that I need to share. There is just so much and doing it the way I love by not wanting you to miss a minute of the journey I just can't remember it all at this point after having my daughter and grandson here! My mind is on their visit and remembering it all! LOL!
Don't get me wrong the short version is good too! Lots going on and things are really taking off. Two psychologists, one dietician and we are fixing to add a 3rd psychologist and a group session to the mix. That is just part of it. Believe me when I say things are starting to take off. My head is already spinning!
Till this afternoon...check back!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Things are crazy busy!
With Karen being here and then Stacey and Eyan I can't keep up. I promise that I will be back just as quickly as I can on Wednesday after Eyan and Stacey leave and I will keep bringing you all up today as to the goings on right now. I thought I would have had time this weekend to write but it just didn't work out. Keep me in your prayers. Dealng with a Eating Disorder and being off schedule is hard!
More on Wednesday!
More on Wednesday!
Thursday, July 11, 2013
It Went Well...
Thank you Lord! I can't tell you how much I was dreading have to go and see her! I was almost a wreck!
I got up and played my game on Facebook till I was nearly late grabbing my shower and washing my crazy curly hair! Did I tell you my hairdresser talked me into wearing my curls? Actually it is real wavy but after having straight as a board hair to me it is curly! Menopause! Have you haven't gone through it just wait! It changes way too much! Luckily wearing it this way saved me from being late!
When I got there I sat down in the waiting room and wrote my check and was sitting there almost in a panic mode. When she opened the door Dr. Michel was with her and she told me hi and I told her hello and good morning and Kathy and I went into her office. Kathy complimented me on my hair and my new outfit. We talked about my shopping and then we got started. She started by mentioning again that she thinks seeing all 3 of them in one day is a big mistake and I agreed with her. It is too much, it puts the brain on overload. She told me that they would not let that happen again. She said seeing her and Anna on the same will still work but once Dr. Michel starts working on my behavior then I don't need to be seeing anyone because it will be very emotional. Oh good! This could become very interesting.
Kathy then asked me about my appointment with Anna and I told her that we talked about my last visit with her and Dr. Michel and then we worked on questions that she had given me for homework. I didn't take a breath and started telling her about the questions that Anna had given me and one of them was 'What I didn't like about healthy food?" Kathy said that sounded interesting and I told her I would be happy to bring her a copy of the questions and my answers. She said "OK". She then started with talking about my labeling "good food" and "bad food" and "healthy food" I told her like I told Anna "good food/healthy food" turns this into a diet. Kathy then expressed her concern about this as well as she could see that good food/bad food and good food/healthy food caused issues with me. She told me that she wanted me to stop looking at food in this manner and start looking at "What looks good?" "What do I want?". She told me in the near future she plans on us doing some grocery shopping. For now she wants me to go to the store and walk through it asking myself what looks good. She said that of course I could have a list of things that I need but to take some extra time by walking through the produce department and looking at all the fruits and vegetable asking myself if something look good or sounded good. WOW! That sure is a different approach! I've been thinking about what to have Mark get by going "No, I don't want that, it's healthy" or "I don't want that because it is good for me" I'm in such rebellion against dieting right now. No wonder I'm not losing weight but hovering around the same 6 lbs.
We talked about why I don't want to shop and I told Kathy that I just get way over-whelmed with the huge store down the road from us. It is a huge store. I told her that I have tried to go and pick up a few things and when I get up there and park and start to get out of my car I just have a panic attack because I'm so afraid that I will get into the store and not have the strength or energy to get back to my car much less to load it and unload it. She then recommended that I avoid that store for now and to try and find a smaller store that I can handle. There is a couple of other stores in the area and even though I think their prices are a little higher I just might have to do that for now. She highly recommended me to check out Trader Joe's but they are a good distance from me but it is a place that I could shop when I go up to the Woodlands. Mark and I also found a new Aldi's not too far from here that is a small store. She said at least at a smaller store I could go and look at the fresh fruit and veggies and meats and let Mark pick up the staple goods that we need. So I'm going to start that really soon. It's just that my friend Karen is in town from Norway and then our daughter and grandson is coming in on Friday and staying till next Wednesday. So as soon as things calm back down I am going to go and see what it is like to do that type of shopping and get some choices in here.
She was real impressed that I kept my Recovery Record and even commented on my thoughts that I recorded. I'm telling you I was so upset I was just going to "show her" but the reality of it all was that it showed me. By doing that for about 10 days I saw how good it felt to be honest with my thoughts and feelings and she liked that. She commented on the day before I saw her as Mark and I went shopping for me some more new clothes. I had eaten lunch and he didn't. I missed my snack because of the time we went shopping but Mark was starving by the time we were through. On the way back home I asked him if he wanted to go to Luby's or Cheddar's. I knew after standing up the time that I did and trying on clothes I was tired and I needed to get off my feet for a bit. He picked Cheddar's and I was o.k. with that.
Here is what went wrong. He wanted a appetizer and I told him that I didn't. He then changed his mind and I felt guilty. I ended up telling him that I would eat a couple of nachos but I didn't want half a order. He ordered them and I ended up eating my half. He ordered fish tacos which is why he wanted the nachos. I ordered a 8 oz. sirloin with mashed potatoes and green beans. I ate all my green beans about 3/4 of my steak and a few bites of the potatoes because they were real salty. I recorded it just as it happened. Kathy did notice what happened and we talked about it. She pointed out that Luby's would have been a better choice because we could have gone straight in and gotten our food and not have to wait for a order to be taken and food to come. She pointed out that the appetizer would not have happened. She also pointed out that since I was tired and hurting that by going to Luby's I would have been home with my feet up most likely before we got our food at Cheddar's. She was happy about my food selections and how I handled it with the potatoes being salty and such but we talked about the fact that I ate half of the nachos when I really didn't want them at all. She pointed out that if Mark really wanted them he could have asked them for a half portion. She had a lot of good things to point out. It all made sense to me.
We scheduled my next appointment which is tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see what she thinks about the last 10 days which includes a binge but Dr. Michel knows about it and I will share on the next post what happened during my visit with her.
I went home and that evening after we got through with dinner I told Mark that I wanted to talk. We sat up and talked about my session with Kathy and all that we talked about the stores and how I needed to change my focus to "What I wanted" and "What looks good". Mark liked that idea and thought that would be helpful for me. He agreed that me trying to shop in a smaller store sounded like a good idea and we could work that out. We also talked about the dinner at Cheddar's and the fact we should have gone to Luby's and everything that Kathy talked to me about and he agreed. I took it further by telling him that we absolutely had to stop eating in the media room and get back to eating at the table. I talked to him about helping me more when he knows I am about to make a bad decision. I talked to him about not being afraid to say something and what approach would work best for me and I promised him that I would work on not biting him for getting into my space. Kathy did say that we were going to work on this. I just want to get ahead of the game and try to start. She made the comment that since we were partners we were really in this together and I can see where she is right. He has to get into the mode of my recovery and he doesn't mind doing that. I didn't figure that he would but I know deep in my heart that he is going to need professional help in doing this as I can't teach him exactly how to handle the situations.
I just know that I want to start moving forward and I want to change. I want to get better. I really know that this is what I'm suppose to be doing. Results may not be what I like but I know in the long run the time it takes probably will be the same because of my decision to get off the diet yo-yo track.
I know that I have lagged in getting this posted. Here is my not so good news. I have another post before I even get to my visit with Dr. Michel on Monday and then I'm meeting with Anna and Kathy tomorrow and I know that Anna and Dr. Michel have already talked about "the plan" so I don't know what is going to happen. My friend Karen is here from Norway so my day tomorrow will be crazy busy and then tomorrow night we are meeting Meredith and Shannon for dinner. Friday night late Stacey and Eyan are arriving from Kansas. I will try and write on Friday. Saturday Mark and Stacey and Eyan are going to Galveston to have some fun but I'm staying here because I know it is impossible for me to go in my present shape. So Saturday and Sunday the house will be quiet and I will get ya'll caught up once again. I can see that I can't procrastinate on keeping you all updated. Things are really going to start shaking and happening around here. I know I'm in for the ride of my life, but boy I'm ready!
I got up and played my game on Facebook till I was nearly late grabbing my shower and washing my crazy curly hair! Did I tell you my hairdresser talked me into wearing my curls? Actually it is real wavy but after having straight as a board hair to me it is curly! Menopause! Have you haven't gone through it just wait! It changes way too much! Luckily wearing it this way saved me from being late!
When I got there I sat down in the waiting room and wrote my check and was sitting there almost in a panic mode. When she opened the door Dr. Michel was with her and she told me hi and I told her hello and good morning and Kathy and I went into her office. Kathy complimented me on my hair and my new outfit. We talked about my shopping and then we got started. She started by mentioning again that she thinks seeing all 3 of them in one day is a big mistake and I agreed with her. It is too much, it puts the brain on overload. She told me that they would not let that happen again. She said seeing her and Anna on the same will still work but once Dr. Michel starts working on my behavior then I don't need to be seeing anyone because it will be very emotional. Oh good! This could become very interesting.
Kathy then asked me about my appointment with Anna and I told her that we talked about my last visit with her and Dr. Michel and then we worked on questions that she had given me for homework. I didn't take a breath and started telling her about the questions that Anna had given me and one of them was 'What I didn't like about healthy food?" Kathy said that sounded interesting and I told her I would be happy to bring her a copy of the questions and my answers. She said "OK". She then started with talking about my labeling "good food" and "bad food" and "healthy food" I told her like I told Anna "good food/healthy food" turns this into a diet. Kathy then expressed her concern about this as well as she could see that good food/bad food and good food/healthy food caused issues with me. She told me that she wanted me to stop looking at food in this manner and start looking at "What looks good?" "What do I want?". She told me in the near future she plans on us doing some grocery shopping. For now she wants me to go to the store and walk through it asking myself what looks good. She said that of course I could have a list of things that I need but to take some extra time by walking through the produce department and looking at all the fruits and vegetable asking myself if something look good or sounded good. WOW! That sure is a different approach! I've been thinking about what to have Mark get by going "No, I don't want that, it's healthy" or "I don't want that because it is good for me" I'm in such rebellion against dieting right now. No wonder I'm not losing weight but hovering around the same 6 lbs.
We talked about why I don't want to shop and I told Kathy that I just get way over-whelmed with the huge store down the road from us. It is a huge store. I told her that I have tried to go and pick up a few things and when I get up there and park and start to get out of my car I just have a panic attack because I'm so afraid that I will get into the store and not have the strength or energy to get back to my car much less to load it and unload it. She then recommended that I avoid that store for now and to try and find a smaller store that I can handle. There is a couple of other stores in the area and even though I think their prices are a little higher I just might have to do that for now. She highly recommended me to check out Trader Joe's but they are a good distance from me but it is a place that I could shop when I go up to the Woodlands. Mark and I also found a new Aldi's not too far from here that is a small store. She said at least at a smaller store I could go and look at the fresh fruit and veggies and meats and let Mark pick up the staple goods that we need. So I'm going to start that really soon. It's just that my friend Karen is in town from Norway and then our daughter and grandson is coming in on Friday and staying till next Wednesday. So as soon as things calm back down I am going to go and see what it is like to do that type of shopping and get some choices in here.
She was real impressed that I kept my Recovery Record and even commented on my thoughts that I recorded. I'm telling you I was so upset I was just going to "show her" but the reality of it all was that it showed me. By doing that for about 10 days I saw how good it felt to be honest with my thoughts and feelings and she liked that. She commented on the day before I saw her as Mark and I went shopping for me some more new clothes. I had eaten lunch and he didn't. I missed my snack because of the time we went shopping but Mark was starving by the time we were through. On the way back home I asked him if he wanted to go to Luby's or Cheddar's. I knew after standing up the time that I did and trying on clothes I was tired and I needed to get off my feet for a bit. He picked Cheddar's and I was o.k. with that.
Here is what went wrong. He wanted a appetizer and I told him that I didn't. He then changed his mind and I felt guilty. I ended up telling him that I would eat a couple of nachos but I didn't want half a order. He ordered them and I ended up eating my half. He ordered fish tacos which is why he wanted the nachos. I ordered a 8 oz. sirloin with mashed potatoes and green beans. I ate all my green beans about 3/4 of my steak and a few bites of the potatoes because they were real salty. I recorded it just as it happened. Kathy did notice what happened and we talked about it. She pointed out that Luby's would have been a better choice because we could have gone straight in and gotten our food and not have to wait for a order to be taken and food to come. She pointed out that the appetizer would not have happened. She also pointed out that since I was tired and hurting that by going to Luby's I would have been home with my feet up most likely before we got our food at Cheddar's. She was happy about my food selections and how I handled it with the potatoes being salty and such but we talked about the fact that I ate half of the nachos when I really didn't want them at all. She pointed out that if Mark really wanted them he could have asked them for a half portion. She had a lot of good things to point out. It all made sense to me.
We scheduled my next appointment which is tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see what she thinks about the last 10 days which includes a binge but Dr. Michel knows about it and I will share on the next post what happened during my visit with her.
I went home and that evening after we got through with dinner I told Mark that I wanted to talk. We sat up and talked about my session with Kathy and all that we talked about the stores and how I needed to change my focus to "What I wanted" and "What looks good". Mark liked that idea and thought that would be helpful for me. He agreed that me trying to shop in a smaller store sounded like a good idea and we could work that out. We also talked about the dinner at Cheddar's and the fact we should have gone to Luby's and everything that Kathy talked to me about and he agreed. I took it further by telling him that we absolutely had to stop eating in the media room and get back to eating at the table. I talked to him about helping me more when he knows I am about to make a bad decision. I talked to him about not being afraid to say something and what approach would work best for me and I promised him that I would work on not biting him for getting into my space. Kathy did say that we were going to work on this. I just want to get ahead of the game and try to start. She made the comment that since we were partners we were really in this together and I can see where she is right. He has to get into the mode of my recovery and he doesn't mind doing that. I didn't figure that he would but I know deep in my heart that he is going to need professional help in doing this as I can't teach him exactly how to handle the situations.
I just know that I want to start moving forward and I want to change. I want to get better. I really know that this is what I'm suppose to be doing. Results may not be what I like but I know in the long run the time it takes probably will be the same because of my decision to get off the diet yo-yo track.
I know that I have lagged in getting this posted. Here is my not so good news. I have another post before I even get to my visit with Dr. Michel on Monday and then I'm meeting with Anna and Kathy tomorrow and I know that Anna and Dr. Michel have already talked about "the plan" so I don't know what is going to happen. My friend Karen is here from Norway so my day tomorrow will be crazy busy and then tomorrow night we are meeting Meredith and Shannon for dinner. Friday night late Stacey and Eyan are arriving from Kansas. I will try and write on Friday. Saturday Mark and Stacey and Eyan are going to Galveston to have some fun but I'm staying here because I know it is impossible for me to go in my present shape. So Saturday and Sunday the house will be quiet and I will get ya'll caught up once again. I can see that I can't procrastinate on keeping you all updated. Things are really going to start shaking and happening around here. I know I'm in for the ride of my life, but boy I'm ready!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Another Long Catch-Up!
I'm sorry that we have gotten so far behind but hopefully today I will get you all caught up!
The next day, Friday, was not a good day for me. I did record all my food and I did have a good day up until I called the Vet to see about Ernie's blood work. She told me that everything looked good except his ALP (liver enzyme) was elevated. I asked her what that meant and she told me that there could be a tumor developing or cancer in his liver! Now I have 3 cats and I do love them but Ernie is my little buddy and we are very close and when she said the "C" word I thought I was going to throw up! I asked her what the next step was and she told me that she wanted to repeat the test next week. If it comes back still elevated or if it comes back higher then they will send me to Gulf Coast which is the Medical Center for small animals to see a Board Certified Internist Veterinarian. All I have been able to think about is "Not my Ernie, please not Ernie!" I have loved on that baby more than anything this last week. The other thing that was alarming was he has lost weight (not good) so she told me to let him have all the food he wants. He has loved that! Pray for my baby kitty boy!
On Saturday Mark was scheduled to attend a group for Family Members of a Eating Disorder. You know how office buildings can be on the weekends, one door open, could need a code, etc. I texted Kathy on Friday to see what door to enter the building from. She texted me back what suite to go to which was the suite that I go do every week. Duh! I texted her back and said that we would see if the side door would be open and thanked her for her help. I should have known by her response that something was wrong. I decided on Saturday morning to go with Mark and maybe they would let me sit in their lunch room while they had group which I thought would be in the reception area and if not then I could go across the street to McDonald's get a coke and read while he was in group. It ended up that we did get through the side door and once we got up to their office the person who was doing the group was placing signs out pointing people where to go and I asked her if I could sit in the reception area while they were in group. She went around to open the door for me and found the door was already unlocked. I went in and sat down and Mark went on to group. I just sat and read my Mindful Eating book. Well, all of a sudden the interior door opened and it was Kathy! She was looking for her next client. I asked her if I could talk to her for a minute and she said o.k. I was going to make it quick anyway because I still didn't feel like talking to her much less seeing her after last Thursday. I first apologized about how I responded and then proceeded to tell her how Dr. Michel helped me work through it and before I could say much more (I think I said to her that I learned a great deal from Dr. Michel) she interrupted me and said "I know, Dr. Michel talked to me and I think it would be best that we take a break" I was shocked but I told her "I don't want to" and Kathy said "Well, usually I don't start seeing patients until after they see Dr. Michel for 12 weeks" I thought to myself "What the hell? Why didn't you tell me that back in November when I first contacted you?" She went onto say that she doubt that I learned anything because I was not connected in the conversation, that I was blanked out. Well, I am freakin sorry but what else does a person do when they are shocked as hell when you start going off on them? I responded to Kathy "I heard every word you said" and she tells me that I probably heard most of it but she doubts that I heard it all and I responded "I heard it all Kathy" Well about that time her client walked in and Kathy tells me that she could not see me the following Thursday because her sitter had to be somewhere. She told me that she could see me on Monday July 1 at 11:00 (today). I told her that I would be there.
I'm telling I have fumed about our conversation and I know that Dr. Michel must have talked to her very sternly about how she treated me to have Kathy respond to me that way. I've had over a week to think about this stuff and I'm telling you I hope Dr. Michel doesn't ask me how it went with Kathy while she was gone because I feel obliged to tell. I'm sure Dr. Michel would talk to her again. The other thing is I have had time to build up fear of seeing Kathy and I'm not sure if things will ever be the same. I'm really scared to go today. I just have to remember that I have control as I can get up and walk out at anytime. I wished I would have done that when she went off on me.
Otherwise, I have been a good little girl, I have recorded every single meal and written long comments about my thoughts which were true. I wrote them just as if Dr. Michel would log on to see them. They were more for her eyes than for Kathy's. She had better not say anything smart to me about being good and keeping my records that is snotty as I will let her have it. The thing that really upsets me is that I need Kathy and her experience. The other dietitians don't have her experience and they work under her so I bet they are learning from her. If today goes bad I plan on telling Dr. Michel that Kathy has a problem with me and since I don't have a dietitian I guess our time is over with also because I've lost 1/3 of my team. It would be interesting what Dr. Michel would say if this were to happen. But this morning I keep telling myself that Kathy has had over a week to cool down and hopefully she will be back to herself and we can get back to business and nothing else will be said about that day. If she is any kind of professional I would think that she would be kind and back to business. I know for now on I will be all about business. I won't have much to say except respond to her questions. It will take me a bit to get over this, to be able to trust her again.
Anyway, Mark and I went on that Saturday and he bought me some Pandora charms for my bracelet and he also bought me their new bangle bracelet. He took me to lunch at our favorite Chinese place and then up to my favorite clothing store and bought me some clothes. I ended up being a good day. I can't remember if I told ya'll this or not but my birthday was June 12 and that is what the bracelet and clothes are for but I didn't tell you about my big gift. Mark traded my SUV in for a new one. I got a 2013 Outlander (Mitsubishi) with all the bells and whistles. It is Cosmic Blue with beige leather. It is so beautiful. It also has a V-6 engine and boy does it move. My 2012 only had a 4-cylinder. Boy, that man spoils me!
Last Thursday with Anna we only talked about what Kathy did to me. Anna doesn't totally agree with Dr. Michel but then I couldn't remember everything that Dr. Michel said to me so Anna was worried that they were not letting me feel my real feelings. I told her to talk to Dr. Michel about it when she gets back and I tried to assure her that our conversation wasn't that way. Hopefully she will talk to her when she gets back from vacation. I don't see Anna this week because of the fourth. After today I see Dr. Michel next Monday and the I guess we will all really get going. The cards are in Kathy's hands.
Yesterday we went clothes shopping again. While I hate to see what my real size is again I needed the clothes. It depressed me so much. Never did I ever expect to wear a 5X or 4X ever again. What ever happened? I just painfully remember getting into a size 22 and I could shop anywhere that had a Women's department. Now I'm back at the Fat People's store. I'm surely not saying that to be mean but it is just my inside feelings that I am sharing. I thought I had said "good-bye" to Catherine's but I'm back. It hurt to have to open that charge card again. But anyway I'm not going to have to wear ratty clothes. I did get some things that look o.k. Nothing looks great on a 400+ lb. body.
Tomorrow I will let you know what goes down today. And ya'll are all caught up now on all the big stuff. Thanks for hanging with me. All of you who take the time to follow me are treasured friends!!!
The next day, Friday, was not a good day for me. I did record all my food and I did have a good day up until I called the Vet to see about Ernie's blood work. She told me that everything looked good except his ALP (liver enzyme) was elevated. I asked her what that meant and she told me that there could be a tumor developing or cancer in his liver! Now I have 3 cats and I do love them but Ernie is my little buddy and we are very close and when she said the "C" word I thought I was going to throw up! I asked her what the next step was and she told me that she wanted to repeat the test next week. If it comes back still elevated or if it comes back higher then they will send me to Gulf Coast which is the Medical Center for small animals to see a Board Certified Internist Veterinarian. All I have been able to think about is "Not my Ernie, please not Ernie!" I have loved on that baby more than anything this last week. The other thing that was alarming was he has lost weight (not good) so she told me to let him have all the food he wants. He has loved that! Pray for my baby kitty boy!
On Saturday Mark was scheduled to attend a group for Family Members of a Eating Disorder. You know how office buildings can be on the weekends, one door open, could need a code, etc. I texted Kathy on Friday to see what door to enter the building from. She texted me back what suite to go to which was the suite that I go do every week. Duh! I texted her back and said that we would see if the side door would be open and thanked her for her help. I should have known by her response that something was wrong. I decided on Saturday morning to go with Mark and maybe they would let me sit in their lunch room while they had group which I thought would be in the reception area and if not then I could go across the street to McDonald's get a coke and read while he was in group. It ended up that we did get through the side door and once we got up to their office the person who was doing the group was placing signs out pointing people where to go and I asked her if I could sit in the reception area while they were in group. She went around to open the door for me and found the door was already unlocked. I went in and sat down and Mark went on to group. I just sat and read my Mindful Eating book. Well, all of a sudden the interior door opened and it was Kathy! She was looking for her next client. I asked her if I could talk to her for a minute and she said o.k. I was going to make it quick anyway because I still didn't feel like talking to her much less seeing her after last Thursday. I first apologized about how I responded and then proceeded to tell her how Dr. Michel helped me work through it and before I could say much more (I think I said to her that I learned a great deal from Dr. Michel) she interrupted me and said "I know, Dr. Michel talked to me and I think it would be best that we take a break" I was shocked but I told her "I don't want to" and Kathy said "Well, usually I don't start seeing patients until after they see Dr. Michel for 12 weeks" I thought to myself "What the hell? Why didn't you tell me that back in November when I first contacted you?" She went onto say that she doubt that I learned anything because I was not connected in the conversation, that I was blanked out. Well, I am freakin sorry but what else does a person do when they are shocked as hell when you start going off on them? I responded to Kathy "I heard every word you said" and she tells me that I probably heard most of it but she doubts that I heard it all and I responded "I heard it all Kathy" Well about that time her client walked in and Kathy tells me that she could not see me the following Thursday because her sitter had to be somewhere. She told me that she could see me on Monday July 1 at 11:00 (today). I told her that I would be there.
I'm telling I have fumed about our conversation and I know that Dr. Michel must have talked to her very sternly about how she treated me to have Kathy respond to me that way. I've had over a week to think about this stuff and I'm telling you I hope Dr. Michel doesn't ask me how it went with Kathy while she was gone because I feel obliged to tell. I'm sure Dr. Michel would talk to her again. The other thing is I have had time to build up fear of seeing Kathy and I'm not sure if things will ever be the same. I'm really scared to go today. I just have to remember that I have control as I can get up and walk out at anytime. I wished I would have done that when she went off on me.
Otherwise, I have been a good little girl, I have recorded every single meal and written long comments about my thoughts which were true. I wrote them just as if Dr. Michel would log on to see them. They were more for her eyes than for Kathy's. She had better not say anything smart to me about being good and keeping my records that is snotty as I will let her have it. The thing that really upsets me is that I need Kathy and her experience. The other dietitians don't have her experience and they work under her so I bet they are learning from her. If today goes bad I plan on telling Dr. Michel that Kathy has a problem with me and since I don't have a dietitian I guess our time is over with also because I've lost 1/3 of my team. It would be interesting what Dr. Michel would say if this were to happen. But this morning I keep telling myself that Kathy has had over a week to cool down and hopefully she will be back to herself and we can get back to business and nothing else will be said about that day. If she is any kind of professional I would think that she would be kind and back to business. I know for now on I will be all about business. I won't have much to say except respond to her questions. It will take me a bit to get over this, to be able to trust her again.
Anyway, Mark and I went on that Saturday and he bought me some Pandora charms for my bracelet and he also bought me their new bangle bracelet. He took me to lunch at our favorite Chinese place and then up to my favorite clothing store and bought me some clothes. I ended up being a good day. I can't remember if I told ya'll this or not but my birthday was June 12 and that is what the bracelet and clothes are for but I didn't tell you about my big gift. Mark traded my SUV in for a new one. I got a 2013 Outlander (Mitsubishi) with all the bells and whistles. It is Cosmic Blue with beige leather. It is so beautiful. It also has a V-6 engine and boy does it move. My 2012 only had a 4-cylinder. Boy, that man spoils me!
Last Thursday with Anna we only talked about what Kathy did to me. Anna doesn't totally agree with Dr. Michel but then I couldn't remember everything that Dr. Michel said to me so Anna was worried that they were not letting me feel my real feelings. I told her to talk to Dr. Michel about it when she gets back and I tried to assure her that our conversation wasn't that way. Hopefully she will talk to her when she gets back from vacation. I don't see Anna this week because of the fourth. After today I see Dr. Michel next Monday and the I guess we will all really get going. The cards are in Kathy's hands.
Yesterday we went clothes shopping again. While I hate to see what my real size is again I needed the clothes. It depressed me so much. Never did I ever expect to wear a 5X or 4X ever again. What ever happened? I just painfully remember getting into a size 22 and I could shop anywhere that had a Women's department. Now I'm back at the Fat People's store. I'm surely not saying that to be mean but it is just my inside feelings that I am sharing. I thought I had said "good-bye" to Catherine's but I'm back. It hurt to have to open that charge card again. But anyway I'm not going to have to wear ratty clothes. I did get some things that look o.k. Nothing looks great on a 400+ lb. body.
Tomorrow I will let you know what goes down today. And ya'll are all caught up now on all the big stuff. Thanks for hanging with me. All of you who take the time to follow me are treasured friends!!!
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