Thank you Lord! I can't tell you how much I was dreading have to go and see her! I was almost a wreck!
I got up and played my game on Facebook till I was nearly late grabbing my shower and washing my crazy curly hair! Did I tell you my hairdresser talked me into wearing my curls? Actually it is real wavy but after having straight as a board hair to me it is curly! Menopause! Have you haven't gone through it just wait! It changes way too much! Luckily wearing it this way saved me from being late!
When I got there I sat down in the waiting room and wrote my check and was sitting there almost in a panic mode. When she opened the door Dr. Michel was with her and she told me hi and I told her hello and good morning and Kathy and I went into her office. Kathy complimented me on my hair and my new outfit. We talked about my shopping and then we got started. She started by mentioning again that she thinks seeing all 3 of them in one day is a big mistake and I agreed with her. It is too much, it puts the brain on overload. She told me that they would not let that happen again. She said seeing her and Anna on the same will still work but once Dr. Michel starts working on my behavior then I don't need to be seeing anyone because it will be very emotional. Oh good! This could become very interesting.
Kathy then asked me about my appointment with Anna and I told her that we talked about my last visit with her and Dr. Michel and then we worked on questions that she had given me for homework. I didn't take a breath and started telling her about the questions that Anna had given me and one of them was 'What I didn't like about healthy food?" Kathy said that sounded interesting and I told her I would be happy to bring her a copy of the questions and my answers. She said "OK". She then started with talking about my labeling "good food" and "bad food" and "healthy food" I told her like I told Anna "good food/healthy food" turns this into a diet. Kathy then expressed her concern about this as well as she could see that good food/bad food and good food/healthy food caused issues with me. She told me that she wanted me to stop looking at food in this manner and start looking at "What looks good?" "What do I want?". She told me in the near future she plans on us doing some grocery shopping. For now she wants me to go to the store and walk through it asking myself what looks good. She said that of course I could have a list of things that I need but to take some extra time by walking through the produce department and looking at all the fruits and vegetable asking myself if something look good or sounded good. WOW! That sure is a different approach! I've been thinking about what to have Mark get by going "No, I don't want that, it's healthy" or "I don't want that because it is good for me" I'm in such rebellion against dieting right now. No wonder I'm not losing weight but hovering around the same 6 lbs.
We talked about why I don't want to shop and I told Kathy that I just get way over-whelmed with the huge store down the road from us. It is a huge store. I told her that I have tried to go and pick up a few things and when I get up there and park and start to get out of my car I just have a panic attack because I'm so afraid that I will get into the store and not have the strength or energy to get back to my car much less to load it and unload it. She then recommended that I avoid that store for now and to try and find a smaller store that I can handle. There is a couple of other stores in the area and even though I think their prices are a little higher I just might have to do that for now. She highly recommended me to check out Trader Joe's but they are a good distance from me but it is a place that I could shop when I go up to the Woodlands. Mark and I also found a new Aldi's not too far from here that is a small store. She said at least at a smaller store I could go and look at the fresh fruit and veggies and meats and let Mark pick up the staple goods that we need. So I'm going to start that really soon. It's just that my friend Karen is in town from Norway and then our daughter and grandson is coming in on Friday and staying till next Wednesday. So as soon as things calm back down I am going to go and see what it is like to do that type of shopping and get some choices in here.
She was real impressed that I kept my Recovery Record and even commented on my thoughts that I recorded. I'm telling you I was so upset I was just going to "show her" but the reality of it all was that it showed me. By doing that for about 10 days I saw how good it felt to be honest with my thoughts and feelings and she liked that. She commented on the day before I saw her as Mark and I went shopping for me some more new clothes. I had eaten lunch and he didn't. I missed my snack because of the time we went shopping but Mark was starving by the time we were through. On the way back home I asked him if he wanted to go to Luby's or Cheddar's. I knew after standing up the time that I did and trying on clothes I was tired and I needed to get off my feet for a bit. He picked Cheddar's and I was o.k. with that.
Here is what went wrong. He wanted a appetizer and I told him that I didn't. He then changed his mind and I felt guilty. I ended up telling him that I would eat a couple of nachos but I didn't want half a order. He ordered them and I ended up eating my half. He ordered fish tacos which is why he wanted the nachos. I ordered a 8 oz. sirloin with mashed potatoes and green beans. I ate all my green beans about 3/4 of my steak and a few bites of the potatoes because they were real salty. I recorded it just as it happened. Kathy did notice what happened and we talked about it. She pointed out that Luby's would have been a better choice because we could have gone straight in and gotten our food and not have to wait for a order to be taken and food to come. She pointed out that the appetizer would not have happened. She also pointed out that since I was tired and hurting that by going to Luby's I would have been home with my feet up most likely before we got our food at Cheddar's. She was happy about my food selections and how I handled it with the potatoes being salty and such but we talked about the fact that I ate half of the nachos when I really didn't want them at all. She pointed out that if Mark really wanted them he could have asked them for a half portion. She had a lot of good things to point out. It all made sense to me.
We scheduled my next appointment which is tomorrow, so it will be interesting to see what she thinks about the last 10 days which includes a binge but Dr. Michel knows about it and I will share on the next post what happened during my visit with her.
I went home and that evening after we got through with dinner I told Mark that I wanted to talk. We sat up and talked about my session with Kathy and all that we talked about the stores and how I needed to change my focus to "What I wanted" and "What looks good". Mark liked that idea and thought that would be helpful for me. He agreed that me trying to shop in a smaller store sounded like a good idea and we could work that out. We also talked about the dinner at Cheddar's and the fact we should have gone to Luby's and everything that Kathy talked to me about and he agreed. I took it further by telling him that we absolutely had to stop eating in the media room and get back to eating at the table. I talked to him about helping me more when he knows I am about to make a bad decision. I talked to him about not being afraid to say something and what approach would work best for me and I promised him that I would work on not biting him for getting into my space. Kathy did say that we were going to work on this. I just want to get ahead of the game and try to start. She made the comment that since we were partners we were really in this together and I can see where she is right. He has to get into the mode of my recovery and he doesn't mind doing that. I didn't figure that he would but I know deep in my heart that he is going to need professional help in doing this as I can't teach him exactly how to handle the situations.
I just know that I want to start moving forward and I want to change. I want to get better. I really know that this is what I'm suppose to be doing. Results may not be what I like but I know in the long run the time it takes probably will be the same because of my decision to get off the diet yo-yo track.
I know that I have lagged in getting this posted. Here is my not so good news. I have another post before I even get to my visit with Dr. Michel on Monday and then I'm meeting with Anna and Kathy tomorrow and I know that Anna and Dr. Michel have already talked about "the plan" so I don't know what is going to happen. My friend Karen is here from Norway so my day tomorrow will be crazy busy and then tomorrow night we are meeting Meredith and Shannon for dinner. Friday night late Stacey and Eyan are arriving from Kansas. I will try and write on Friday. Saturday Mark and Stacey and Eyan are going to Galveston to have some fun but I'm staying here because I know it is impossible for me to go in my present shape. So Saturday and Sunday the house will be quiet and I will get ya'll caught up once again. I can see that I can't procrastinate on keeping you all updated. Things are really going to start shaking and happening around here. I know I'm in for the ride of my life, but boy I'm ready!
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