Warning...this is long but worth the read!
I am getting better and I wanted to thank you for your emails and notes sent privately on my FB page. It means so much to me to have friends who care and support me!
Sunday night I went to check to see what time my Remicade treatment was for Monday morning. I was shocked to see that it was for the past Monday. I have been suffering horribly with my crohn's and to think I could have had help a week ago made me just cry. I also knew that this meant scheduling another appointment and knowing how busy the Infusion Suite is I didn't know when they could get me back in. I went to bed just sick. I got up yesterday morning and called as soon as they opened hoping that one at the appointment desk would go and get someone to answer the Infusion Suite phone. She couldn't but she put me back there. I started to cry because I knew that meant I would have to leave a message and calls don't get returned till after 3 p.m. and who knows when and if they could get me in. God knew how bad I needed it. Loretta answered the phone and luckily she told me to come on in when I could get there. I told her that I could be there by 9:30. Now became my prayer time. Could I get down there without an accident. I packed me so extra undies and a pair of pants and I headed down there. Got checked in and went back to the Suite without a problem. I asked the nurse if my Dr. was in and if she could ask her if I could have that extra steroid that she usually lets me have when I'm having a bad attack. The Dr. authorized it. I had that before my treatment began. Now for sleep. I needed to sleep so I would have that dreaded accident. I didn't sleep. I stayed awake the whole time. I guess that was the steroid! LOL! I made it home without any problem. Thank you Lord! I feel better today. Gassy but better. What a blessing!
While I was there I asked the nurse for information about a Crohn's diet. She printed me off an article from Web MD. It pretty much listed everything that I'm eating on my JD diet. It did go on to say that to try cooking the food different ways as toleration could be found. They also said to alleviate foods to see if they cause problems. So...the new journey begins. I am going to back up and get off the nuts and 100% whole wheat bread and go from there. First I need to get my gut healed so I will eat foods that have low inflammation that my Wellness Coach sent me. I will figure out "Laura's Plan" like Anna asked me to. It may not be complete this week but I will have something to show her that I'm working on.
Now I want to talk about my parents. I'm not going to go into a long discussion about things because if you have been following me for long time you all know that they are a huge problem in my life. Just briefly through Anna I got the courage to sit down and talk to them about my hurts in my childhood and I go to tell them that I forgave them for how they had made me feel and that I knew that parenting doesn't come with a book and parents make huge mistakes because I know that I made a lot of mistakes in Stacey's life. Huge ones! Now that we are starting to have a better relationship I want to work on mending the things that I know I have caused her pain in her own little life. I don't ever want her to feel like I have had to. No one should ever feel unloved and unaccepted, untalented, a failure and a person who cannot do anything right! NO ONE!
This past weekend with my parents was the first since Christmas which went o.k. Not perfect, just o.k. I have come to accept that just o.k. is really perfect where my parents are concerned. I understand that they have their own problems but the saddest thing to me is that they don't see it. They don't realize the pain that they have caused and are causing in a child. They will not seek help because they feel like they are not doing anything wrong. It's not about the wrong that I'm feeling, it is all about the attitudes and sharp hurtful remarks that they keep blasting at me to make me continue to feel all the ways that I have to feel. They never ever ever have anything positive to say about me. Everything could be better that is it, that is their world. I know that deep down I have to accept that but my humanness, deep within my soul I need some acceptance. I need some encouragement from the two people who gave me life. Positive encouragement is all that I'm asking and that I need. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I may be wrong, but I will leave that question for Anna to answer and work with me on. She is going to hear about this.
OK, about last weekend. I need to share this so that you can understand just a glimpse of what I go through nearly and I say nearly every time I see my parents or even talk to the on the phone. I am having such a hard time with my feet since I'm back in the 390's I decided to make entertaining very easy. I had Mark pick up a box of cookies to offer after lunch on Saturday and because Shannon, Meredith, Mark and Dad are always looking for something sweet. I also had him pick up some muffins to offer along with oatmeal, eggs, toast, cereal and fruit for breakfast. I made Chalupas which is a family favorite that all I had to do is fry up some hamburger and puree some Ranch Style Beans and add to it with some seasonings, place it on a pre-fried tortilla, top with a little grated cheese and melt in the oven and top with onions, picante and lettuce and tomatoes. We ate off throw away plates. I had a sandwich spread for lunch. It was easy for me. The very first thing that my Mom said within 5 minutes of coming in my house was "Why did you by cookies and muffins when you know you don't need them?" in her most sarcastic, hateful voice which I'm used to. I told her that I bought them for Meredith, Shannon, Dad and Mark. She then mentioned the muffins and bitched about that. I'm use to this, I get it every time they come and I try to do something nice. Get this...she does this kind of crap when we go down there and just dares me to touch them. She makes it well known that she did it for Mark! That was the start. I just put her into my imaginary box that Anna has created in my MDR treatments. Saturday was Saturday and nothing else was said, not even when I got out a bought chocolate cream pie for dessert after dinner. Mind you the cookies were gone and mind you my mother enjoyed her fair share. I had one.
Sunday comes. Crohn's is really starting to act up. The plan was for all of us to go over to Shannon's and Meredith's so that Mom and Dad could see their little town home and we all were going to go and have lunch. My feet were killing me just from sitting. You don't realize how much you use your feet to sit up! I decided not to go and my parents made the biggest deal out of it. I was trying to be discrete about my fear of having an accident away from home and I needed some peace and quiet after the happenings of the day before. They didn't like it but the 3 of them went. My Dad actually called me and offered to bring me something home for lunch. I thanked him and he brought me home a roasted chicken breast, green beans and mashed potatoes. It was perfect.
After I ate Mom and I went into the living room where it was more comfortable and Mark and Dad went to watch golf. Mark hates golf but will suffer through it for my Dad's sake. My Mom told me about Shannon asking her if they told their friends about them and Patrick. My parents are having a hard time having a granddaughter who is gay. They are having a hard time talking about Patrick because of that. My mother's response was a down right lie to Shannon as she told her that they don't talk to their friends about family, grand kids and great grand kids. Come one...what do older people do amongst each other. They talk about all of that, because they are proud! I just made note to myself as I put her into my box that it was a bull-shit statement, that they didn't talk about us because they have shame about us. I'm very confident that they all know about their son who is Mr. Senior Vice President of New York Life but they don't talk about the grossly obese daughter, gay grand daughter and great grand son. They don't talk about their other great grandson because he is not really his since Stacey is not really mine. She is my step-daughter who I feel is my daughter. I've raised her (she came into my life at 3 years of age). You get the picture. Anyway I got her off the subject after I put her and her nasty comment in the box.
I started telling her little stories about JD and working out and we talked about Zumba and such. I told her about JD and my conversation about the goal he had in mind for me and that he felt like he could get me there in a year. BAD MISTAKE!!! I should have known better but hey you want to be able to talk about anything to your Mom right? Not her! The first comment out of her mouth was "So why don't you do what he says for you to do consistently so that you can get down to 200 lbs?" I about blew a gasket but managed to put that nasty comment and her into my box. I was not going to get into a argument or explanation with her on that subject, as far as I was concerned it was over. How does she not know that I am being perfect? It's because she has it planted in her head for all my life that I can't do anything right! Enough said! We were just looking at each other. I decided that it was time to try to talk to her about her negative comments and why couldn't she be positive and supportive for me. So I asked her "Momma, (I don't call her that often, only when I'm trying to be sweet and non-confrontational) why do you have to always be so negative?" O.M.G. She lays her head on the back of the sofa and I hear the worst moan, gasp purely Satanic grunt when she holds her head up and starts yelling at me. I just but my foot down and told her "This conversation is over." as I put her into the box again. I am really proud at how many times it kept coming up in my mind to put hurtful, negative things into my box and not to let them out. DMR is working!
The next thing that happened as we were talking about the fact that my Mom seems to be having a hard time losing any weight yet she says she is eating healthy and doing Zumba twice a week along with Ti Chi. She tells me what she eats and it sounds good but I also know what kind of food they serve for lunch and dinner at their retirement home and it is stuff out of a 5 star restaurant complete with menu and everything is in sauces and friend etc. It doesn't have any good food choices and I'm not sure scraping sauces off is going to do what she thinks it does. I'm sure it helps but we all know about hidden calories. I asked her how much she wanted to lose. I felt she was being hesitant and not wanting to answer so I apologized for my question about the time she told me about 50 lbs. She said she weighed 180. OMG! If I could weigh 180 I would be the happiest female on the planet!
I asked her if she thought that she could weigh and measure and track what she ate for a week. Well, I should have known that I would have gotten blasted about that. It was about a 10 minute lecture on she wasn't going to do Weight Watchers, she wasn't going to do weigh and measure that she knew what she was doing and yada, yada, yada. I just ended it by saying to her that I wouldn't know how I was doing without keeping a food journal and weighing and measuring everything. She went on and on and I just put her in the trusty box. The next comment out of her mouth which shocked me to the hilt was "My 50 lbs is harder than your 200 lbs" I knew that this one had to be slammed in the box and the frigging lid was going to have to chained closed. Before I did that all I said "You are crazy if you think 50 lbs is harder than 200 lbs" I slammed it all in the box and I told her that we were ending the conversation that we would never agree on that one. Really I don't know remember what we talked about then probably about the weather because that is about the only thing we can talk about with any pleasant comments. Sad so sad!
We tried watching Extreme Weight Loss edition with her talking through it the whole time telling me that I needed to do this and that like the girl did and asking me if I was listening. My Dad came in and asked in the middle "Have you all lost weight yet?" Needless to say I didn't see the show like I needed to and was thankful that I had the DVR set to record it. There were two pieces of chocolate pie left from the night before so I offered them to Mother first, then Dad, then Mark. Well of course my mother wanted it. Mark and Dad didn't so I ate the last piece and luckily I made it through without any ugliness! Probably because she was eating hers!
The next morning as they were getting into the car to leave, my Dad said this to me. "Get back on your program after this weekend. Promise me that you will get down to 200 lbs before I die." I thought "What the hell? You are 81 years old and I can't guarantee that it will happen and why do you want to say that kind of thing and put that kind of pressure on me because you know you mean the world to me?" All I knew to say was "I will Dad". I walked back into the house very sad about that last part of our goodbye and relief that I survived the visit only because of my ability to use "My Box!"
One last thing...Sunday night when Mark and I crawled in bed I told him what happened between my Mom and I. He told me that he had heard some of it. I started to cry. I hate to hurt but I was hurting...bad! I asked Mark "When will I ever be free? Is it going to be when they both die?" Mark told me "Be careful what you wish for. I feel like if you don't get this resolved with Anna's help and they do pass away you will never be free, it will be worse because you will never have closure." Later in the past few days and gain last night when I got into bed talking about my stress of his mother's passing, his sister's antics, my crohn's, my diet, ME and more ME! My dearest sweet husband told me. You need to get Anna to help you. Your parents are not going to change. She needs to help you find the closure you need now. She can do it." He knows, since his major was psychology in college he always knows what my therapists are doing but will never tell me. He just tells me "I know where they are going." Burns me up! LOL!
Going to go and start to work on my plan! Later!
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