I'm sorry.
I sure did go off in my last post. I'm a bit calmer now but still dealing with the same stuff. Trying to find hunger, trying to find satisfaction, trying to determine what is a binge and trying to tell what is not a binge. I guess I will eventually learn it but right now it is still very confusing.
My appointment with Kathy last Thursday went better than I thought. I broke down and told her how I was feeling. My assignment...to log what I eat and to journal my thoughts about how the meal made me feel. So far so good till today (Labor Day). Today my eating got off and stayed off. Did I binge? I don't know but I did not eat my 3 meals today and that is bad but at least tonight I know tomorrow I have another chance to do it all over again.
Kathy reminded me that I am getting the same exact treatment as a out patient as I would be getting if I was in a treatment facility. She told me that they would not be going after me all day long. She told me they would be sending me off to work on a puzzle, to go for a walk, to watch TV and to live life. She told me that I have to live my life and that recovery will come. I have to work but not be so consumed with it all. She told me no more reading books, listening to podcasts and the like. She wants me to do what Dr. Michel said and that was to work at doing 2 things a day. I have been doing that until Sunday and today. I got lazy and the last 2 days have gone back to watching TV, being on the computer and of all things have found a interest in Pinterest (which I will have to watch) and sleeping. I should be sleeping right now.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Michel and I'm sure that we will talk about my state last week between group and seeing Kathy. I also wonder about what she will pick me off about. I swear she is so good at what sh does she can pick up on a sentence or phrase that I make and show me how it plays into this eating disorder. She is truly awesome. Never seen anything like it.
Also this weekend I'm giving Mark a party for his 60th birthday. I need to have my head examined on this one. I've always wanted to do this for him and he can't help that he will turn 60 right in the middle of my treatment. I'm having it at his favorite restaurant, I didn't do invitations and just did verbal invites. Mostly to family and close friends. They understand and yet think that I'm crazy. Our daughter is coming in on Friday and will be here till next Tuesday but she will be a big help for me. My parents and Mark's oldest sister and her husband are coming in from Ft. Worth. After the party I've asked family members back to the house but I'm having a deli do party trays. The only meal that I need to do is Friday evening for Stacey, my parents and Mark's sister and husband. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's and buy their turkey meatballs (which Kathy says they are wonderful) and I'm throwing them in the crock pot with jarred sauce that I will add fresh herbs and stuff to. I'm buying bagged salad and garlic bread so it should be easy for me to get done on my own. I know that my Mom will help me with the salad and Mark's sister will ask to help too and I will let hem help! Monday Stacey and I are taking Mark to Kemah in the afternoon for a seafood dinner and then a surprise evening cruise on Galveston Bay. We are taking some wine and Stacey says that they will furnish snacks. She has done all of that arranging. So, tomorrow after Dr. Michel I'm getting my hair done, Wednesday the exterminator is coming and in the afternoon I'm getting a pedicure and then I have group. Thursday is Kathy and a trip to Trader Joe's and Friday the maids are coming to clean the house and people should start arriving. I pray it will be as easy as I have made it out to be in my head. These days who knows. Tomorrow I may be freaking out!
I will try and write and let you know how I'm doing this week and I ask you for prayers and warm thoughts. I want this to be a birthday that Mark will remember. We never celebrate our birthdays. I think that everyone should celebrate a BIG one! He's excited but worried about me. He is my sweetie and I don't know what I would do without him.
So...this is a calm post...but also know that the issues and feelings are still very real. This is hard, very hard. I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy but I want to recover. I want food to have the rightful place in my life. Just as Dr. Michel said one day "Life is a rightful binge". I do need to learn to binge on life and the beauty of it and stop binging on food which robs you of life! Kathy keeps telling me that "Food is fuel". Susan Albers tells me that "Food is medicine used to repair the body". I'm starting to grasp that. I guess that is progress. I am getting better but...I know the journey is just beginning and the road is longer than anybody wants it to be. I just want RECOVERY!
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