Well I can say that with all honesty! I wanted intensive therapy and boy am I ever getting it. My head will not stop spinning and most days I don't know which end is up. I getting hit from every end and I feel at times that I can't breathe! The break through that I just wrote about has turned into another and another and at the same time answers in how to deal with them. This treatment is very different than any that I have been involved in. It's like I have a break through and at them same time I'm being told how to deal with it. It is like Pow! Pow! Pow! No Kidding!
I feel so bad not getting out here and writing as fast as I can all that is going on but the truth is I'm usually sitting wondering about what is going to happen next. Half the time I'm not sure that I can make any sense out of my feelings. Not sure if I can put it all into words. Have you ever felt that way?
I have Kathy hitting me with the food journals which I'm struggling with. Last night at group Kathy led our session and it was great but I walked away confused. Later it all came together. I feel guilty not being able to feel true hunger, I feel guilty about what I eat, so when I feel guilty I don't want to record, I'm suppose to be not eating at the places that we have made a habit but I'm still doing it so that makes me not want to record too. I make bad choices same thing...GUILT. I'm not cooking...GUILT. I'm not sure if I'm eating mindfully and wonder if I'm eating too much since I don't feel like I'm losing...GUILT! Every where in the food department I'm feeling GUILT!!!!! So much to learn. We talked about 7 types of hunger last night in group. Can you believe that there are 7 types of hunger? There are! I was surprised. There are seven ways to deal with it and seven ways to tell if you are truly hungry. There were some technical terms that I need to look up and read about more. Homeostasis is one of them. Did they talk about this stuff at Weight Watchers? Not only No! But Hell No! It may have done some good if they had! Starting to understand why Kathy can't stand them! They are awful for people who have eating disorders. I'm starting to see it! I truly am. Can y'all remember me eating 3 Lean Cuisines to get my points in? How about a bag dinner from Stouffer's to get them in? Was that smart? Hell No! It was too much freaking food. No wonder my weight did all kinds of funky things! Weight Watchers did not care what I ate as long as I got my points in. I don't mean to pick on Weight Watchers but after doing it for 8 years and ending up where I am now learning what I am now, I'm pissed! I think that Weight Watchers is good for someone who doesn't have a lot to lose but people like me who have more than 100 lbs to lose it is awful. There are too many points! Period! End of subject!
I'm sorry to go off like that because I don't know how many people who find this blog and/or read this blog do Weight Watchers. I'm sure I need to give some thought to other diets that I have done and go off on them as well. The problem is that society has really gotten us out of tune with true hunger and being content in how much we eat. I have so much to undo!
In our marriage counseling I'm finding that I'm not doing enough. I have been trying to tell Anna for the past couple of years that I'm lazy. She laughs me off. The fact is I am. I am either trying to do too much and wear myself out or I do nothing. So...we are working on me doing 2 things a day one of which is cooking dinner. The other is something that needs to be done for the household like washing a load of clothes and/or unloading the dishwasher. You heard me I'm so lazy that I will sit on my butt and will not wash clothes or unload the dishwasher. I wait till Mark does it. He gets my diet cokes, he brings me my meals, he does whatever I ask and he is worn out. Now how would that make you feel? Awful!!!! So we are working on that.
I'm finding out that ED has friends and I haven't recognized them. Mrs. Procrastination is one but Dr. Michel told me on Monday that he has many friends and I need to be on the look out for them. They all work with ED and they are furious because they know I want to get well and I want to recover and they are mad and they are ready to fight for my failure. Great!
You know, as I sit here and write about all of this I really sound like a crazy person. But trust me I'm not I just have a Eating Disorder which is Binge Eating. A few times in the last couple of weeks I've wondered if I was going into a different disorder Bulimia because I have purged a couple of times. Dr. Michel has pretty much scared the pants off me about purging and I was shocked what all purging does. It really messes the body up more than it get rids of calories. When I lapse and binge I will just hurt. However the goal is not to binge. I have so much to learn.
I have found something good and it is Susan Albers Mindful Appetite CD. I have been listening to them non-stop back and forth to therapy and group my 4 times a week. It is making so much sense and I'm hoping that getting to work with the exercises on Mindful Eating that it will help in all the GUILT that I'm feeling in and around food.
So...there is my update. I will try and write more but understand at times I get lost in pain and I get lost in realizing all the things that have caused this eating disorder. You all know that I am a fighter and I will fight. I will not give up but I will admit that this is the first time that hiding in a corner for a little bit feels good. I want to recover. I don't want food or eating rob me of life.
This came up on my Recovery Record the other day. It brought tears to my eyes:
H.O.P.E. Hold On, Pain Ends.
It better! This is hard!
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