Sidetracked!!!

I'm sorry but I feel like I need to write about this.  I think that I have had the worse day of my life.  I recently wrote about having the worse Thanksgiving and visit with my parents but it really didn't end there.  After they went home my mother and I had some bad phone conversations.  I don't know for the life of me why she is so negative and has such venom.  One conversation I had was her telling me that they were not going to come back Christmas.  I was o.k. with that being that they had just been here and having gone through all that I did when they were here.  I simply made the comment that I would mail them their packages and she went off on me, telling me how ridiculous that was and how they didn't need anything and how they didn't want to exchange gifts at Christmas.  Well, I'm here to tell you that I don't give to receive, I give because I'm led to give and my gift is giving and I give to people that I love and care about all the time.  Ask my friends.  Anyway, I was shocked and furious about how she was going on so I ended the conversation before it had a chance to get worse or I said something I would regret.  That week we had a couple more conversations not on that topic but they ended up with her attacking me.

Last Sunday, my Dad and I were talking and we got into a heated conversation about Thanksgiving and all that happened.  It escalated to my mother and the ordeal about Christmas.  It went to other things besides that.  I think that I had written about either on the website way back when that I grew up feeling like my parents loved my brother more than me and at times I felt like they didn't love me at all.  Well, my Dad and I got on this subject and it was pretty intense.  I didn't hold back any of my feelings because that is what counseling has taught me.  When I was young my Dad worked shift-work and he wasn't around all that much.  It pretty much left my mother in control all the time.  She was difficult all the time.  I know as an adult that my mother has problems and has needed counseling.  All of this my Dad and I discussed.  We talked about all the negative comments that she use to tell me as a child such as "I'd be pretty if I wore make-up", "Why didn't I want to dress up like Brenda (my best friend)" things like that.  This has continued to adulthood worrying about what I'm wearing on a Alaskan cruise that my parents took us on for their 50th wedding anniversary, what was I wearing to my nieces wedding, she told me she was ashamed of me and the way I looked.  I never got any warm fuzzies from my mother.  Needless to say for some dumb reason she decided to pick up another phone while my Dad and I were talking and she heard all that I had to say.  I said nice things and not so nice things.  I've been angry since Thanksgiving.

Last week, my Dad and I ended our conversation with my decision that wouldn't call early in the morning like I normally do.  My mom is not in a good mood when she gets up and frankly I feel like she is never in a god mood.  I must tell you that she bitches at my Dad 24-7 because he can't do anything right and he is a pain in her ass.  My poor Dad!  So, we pretty much wrapped up our conversation and hung up.

I didn't call this week till Friday around noon as I was fixing to get ready to go to the Dr.  They didn't answer so I left a message.  It was real strange but they didn't call back.  Yesterday I tried calling around noon and I got the recorder but I didn't leave a message.  I called around 3 and my Dad answered the phone.  Here is my devastation...

After we said "Hello" and I asked how they were and that I thought it was odd that they didn't return my call, my Dad informs me that they had a horrible week.  He tells me that during our last conversation Mom picked up the phone and listened to it all.  He said it was not good when we hung up and that my mother was devastated.  He goes on to tell me that they had come to the decision that they had been good parents to me and that I was the one screwed up.  He told me that until I healed that they did not want to hear from me again.  That's right, you read that right, they do no want to hear from me again.  I held my composure and I don't know how.  I did cry a little and I'm feeling intense pain.  I told my Dad that they just put the icing on my cake.  I really do feel like they don't love me, haven't loved me, wonder why they had me.  I have so many screwed up thoughts going on in my head right now.  But get this, my Dad tells me that if I need anything to call.  Call?  You are telling me not to call until I heal, that you have never done anything wrong in my life, that I am the one full of crap but if I need anything to call.  I don't freaking think so.  I tried telling my Dad that even Mark could see how different they treated me when my brother is around.  He would hear it, he just told me that I was full of crap.  I ended up handing the phone to Mark and Mark and my Dad talked and I just continued to spiral down to the pit of hell.

I can tell you my first words to Mark was that I was going to commit suicide.  The pain was that bad.  I wanted to go and drive my car up a telephone pole.  It doesn't help that I have my depression meds messed up and I'm on a low dosage right now working my way back up.  I asked Mark if he was pulled in behind me and he told me no and I told him that I was going to go and take a drive.  Luckily I sat here for a bit and not sure how but I fell asleep for a while.  I guess it was the grace of God.  I woke up extremely sad and broken.  What a Christmas!  What a day!

I did text Anna and told her what happened.  She is booked this week but told me that if I needed her to call her.  She told me that she would call me if she had a cancellation.  She told me that she thinks that my parents are angry right now but she thinks that ultimately they will still be in my life but in a healthier way.  Well, I hope she is right.  Right now all I can think about is them not wanting to hear from me and then one of them dying or both under these circumstances.  What do I say to my brother and my nieces about this.  If my parents come up that I can't be there?  All kinds of strange thoughts and feelings are running through my head.

Mark did get me out of the house for pizza and to go look at Christmas lights.  I did eat a half of a large pizza and a half of a one pound bag of peanut M&M's.  I think that will be all to my binging.  Pray for my hurting heart.

I'll be back on track tomorrow when I tell you more about Kathy and my new journey.  Thanks for letting me share.