I'm sorry that I fell behind again. Wednesday I just didn't feel good. I didn't go to the gym, in fact I slept most of the day. I was concerned rather or not I would be able to keep my appointments with Anna and Kathy on Thursday. Mark and I even had soup for the third night in a row. I really think that I have been dealing with fluid on my ear. It has gotten better.
On Thursday even though I felt better there was a part of me that didn't want to drive to The Woodlands. I didn't, but I have to share this with you, my knees are really giving me fits. I didn't think that I was going to make it up there because of the pain. Of course I was flying down the freeway at 65 mph when I felt like my right leg was just going to give out. I managed to make it to Anna's office and I was a few minutes early so I was able to get out of the car and stretch my legs a bit.
My session with Anna was more about my parents and how I'm feeling about it all I think that I shared that I have moved to the anger stage of what they have done to me or maybe it is the reality of seeing that my relationship with them has been forever changed. I don't think that I will ever be able to talk to them like I have in the past, for fear of them throwing me out of their lives again. Of course this is IF they ever contact me again. Everyone says that they will but I'm not holding out hope. I have literally lost all respect for them. I thought my parents were the greatest people in the world and my view of them has changed. What parent can tell a child that they don't want to talk to them until they heal? I for sure couldn't!!!
The other thing that Anna and I talked about was my lunch date today. I was meeting Karen's daughter-in-law Lluvia to get a Humpty Dumpty that Karen crocheted for Patrick. I decided to meet her for mexcian food because I was confident that she knew where the place was. Then I freaked out and immediately started beating myself up over it. Telling myself that I was a failure, asking myself why do I always do this, saying you do so well then you screw up, you know, all these things we say to ourselves when we screw up. On the way to Anna's I started trying to put some thought to what I was going to do. I decided that I really wanted queso with taco meat in it and some guacamole. Is that healthy? Not really but it was what I was wanting. I told Anna about it and she thought it was a o.k. choice. We also talked about my negative thoughts and a lot of things that I was thinking was also the things that Mike use to yell and scream at me when I did eat mexican food. Oh how I use to dread him coming down on me. Kathy wanted me to talk to Anna about it and Anna asked me to remind her what my box looked like when we did our MDR therapy. I told her it was concrete with a metal lid on it. She asked me if I had ever put Mike in the box and I told her yes but that I keep taking him back out. Well our time was about over and there wasn't any further discussion on it. I knew that I still had Kathy to see and we would further talk about these dreaded lunch plans that I had. Anna told me that I would do good. I told her I hope so and I left.
I got to Kathy's and I sat in my car for a bit and thought some more about lunch. I thought about the fact that I had just had queso twice last week. I asked myself did I really need it again. My first thought was yes because last week I didn't have the taco meat in it. I could see just ridiculous my mind was being. Boy was the disease talking to me! I told myself that I could have queso that way at another time. I told myself that I really needed to have something healthy. I thought about chicken fajitas and I thought that was too much. I then thought about a lunch special that had a cheese enchilada, taco and guacamole. I didn't really want a cheese enchilada. I then thought about a chicken taco and then I realized that I had better get up to her office or I was going to be late.
Kathy came and got me and we went into her office and she pulled up my records as I wrote her a check for my visit. I then asked her before we get started can we talk about something. I told her what was going on and my events of the morning and thoughts about lunch and all the things that went through my mind that I just shared with you. She stopped me and asked me if I ever watched the show "House Hunters"? I told her yes. She said "the couple looking has to choose over just 3 houses that they have seen. She said usually there is something that they like that is the same for all 3 houses. You said first was queso with taco meat and guacamole, then you said a lunch special of a cheese enchilada, taco and guacamole but you really didn't want a enchilada, then you thought that maybe a taco would be o.k. We see a common thing between all three choices. I think that today you need to have guacamole because it keeps coming up. OK, so we are going to have guacamole and you said that a chicken taco might be good. How many tacos do you want?" I said to her my first impulse is to have 2 but thinking about all of this, normally for lunch I have a sandwich and chips and I a totally satisfied. So I think that one taco with a small guacamole is what I will get and that should do it. She agreed but then also told me if I got over there and 2 tacos came up that 2 would be fine based on my calorie needs. I felt better.
We started talking about my week, the soup that I made and the fact that we had it 3 times. I told her what happened and that it kept us from eating out. She told me she was o.k. with it as long as it is what I really wanted to do and I told her it was. I also told her that we loved the soup and it had been so long since we have had it that we enjoyed every meal of it. Then sh said to me. Let's talk about the tacos at Jack In The Box on Friday, what was going on here? I told her we were out of bread and that our plan was to do something out for lunch. I told her that I love Jack In The Box tacos and that was what I wanted. Then she asked me "Why 6?" I told her that I had thought about it and I knew that there wasn't much to them and I thought that 6 would be o.k. Then she tells me I notice here on your notes that you say "I'm so bad, I don't know why I keep doing this, I need help" and I had totally forgotten that I even wrote that on my Recovery Record. I told her that was one thing that I love about the App is that you could jot down your feelings I told her that I had forgotten that I even wrote about it. She then said to me, you went through the drive-thru didn't you and I told her yes because I brought them home. She then said to me, number one you did not need 6 tacos and when you go through a drive-thru there are cars behind you and you get in a hurry and you just order and you don't think, right? I nodded my head. She continued, if you had parked your car, gone inside and took a step back from ordering and really looked at the menu do you think that you would have ordered 6? or would you had noticed that there were some healthy options on the menu such as a side salad? I agreed with her. She continued, don't you think that 3 tacos and a side salad would have been a better choice than 6 tacos? and I agreed and went on to say why can't I think about that kind of stuff? She says to me, don't get me wrong Laura, you are making tremendous strides and you are doing very well. You seem to have the most problems with fast food and restaurants. She went on to tell me that I needed to work on restaurants and fast food places. She told me that she did not want me to go thru a drive-thru unless I was just getting a diet coke.
We wrapped up our session and I left to go meet Lluvia at Mario's. I got there before her by about 20 minutes. I went inside to wait and of course they asked me what I wanted to drink and I told them a diet coke and they brought the chips and hot sauce. I decided not to have any chips till she got there. It was weird. It came natural and I was perfectly o.k. with doing so. When she got there we looked over the menu and I didn't see what I wanted on the a la cart section of the menu. So after Lluvia ordered I told the waiter what I wanted and it was not a problem. He even asked me if I wanted my chicken taco crispy or soft and if I wanted lettuce and tomato and I asked him to put a little cheese on it. We visited and I ate a few chips and our dinner's arrived. They put down Lluvia's plate of food and boy I was worried about my decision. they sat down my taco and guacamole and I thought to myself, this is a joke, this is not going to satisfy me. Well, I made the decision that was what I ordered and I would eat it and enjoy it and if I was still hungry I would ask for another taco. Low and behold when I got through, I was satisfied. I wasn't full but I wasn't hungry. I stopped and we visited for another hour or so. Still no hunger. I drove home which was about 50 minute and still no hunger. I came in and got on the computer and caught up on emails and fed the cats and I was feeling empty then so I fixed me a snack and everything was perfect. I was so proud of myself I could have popped! I could see plainly that our eyes lie to us about how much food we really need! We don't need to be afraid to listen to it and follow what it is telling us. I have a big trust issue. I guess this eating disorder is a blessing in disguise as I am going to have to trust and listen to my body and deal with this wild mind. Baby steps.....
Friday was really an uneventful day. I ate well, I was amazed and still moved about yesterday. I didn't go back to the gym. I'm going to get back on Monday but I talked to both Anna and Kathy about the gym and my concern about what is going on with my knees. I feel like Larissa is killing my knees with the leg machines and the weighted balls and squats. I am going to tell her that we are going to have to find a way to exercise my legs without bending my knees until the weight comes down a whole lot more. I also talked to Kathy about quitting the gym after I'm finished with the sessions that I have paid for. I can't continue to afford $1,7500 for Larissa every 10 weeks, $320 a month for Kathy and Anna $120, plus $25 a month for the gym membership. I feel like my focus right now needs to be progressing even further with Kathy and Anna and just go back to dancing with my Wii and/or going to Zumba where I can control what I'm doing but burn some good calories. Kathy totally agreed on me ditching the gym and going back to Zumba. She said that dancing would be good for me and it would get me out of the house and around people. Humm...I wonder how she has figured out that I stay at home a lot?
I did go and get a Keratin treatment for my hair and Mark and I just watched TV and went to bed early a he had to go into the office on Saturday because the dealership is moving this weekend. It should be a wild weekend.
Come back tomorrow as I finish catching you up and I have another great progress to share with you. I'm sharing before Kathy even hears about it. It is so cool!
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