I can't even believe I woke up on my own this morning. That felt good and it felt like old times. I loved it! I actually had a pretty good night's sleep except I woke up around 2:30 and was hot and I got up and came into the media room because I can get under a fan. I fell right back to sleep and woke up on time. I fixed Mark's lunch and got him out the door and I grabbed my shower, fooled with my hair, got dressed and got out of here to drive up to the Woodlands to see Anna and Kathy.
Anna and I had a good appointment and it felt good to express the anger that is building over this ordeal with my parents. It is stupid on their part. Just plain dumb and it isn't going to help anything. I am now confident that it is my mother that is behind the whole thing and my Dad just can't stand up to her and put his foot down. He and I are the ones that are suffering and from what I'm hearing from other family members my mother is gloating over not talking to me nor sending us a card or a gift for Christmas. Whatever! It felt good to vent and Anna told me that I had the right to vent because she agreed with me that it was ridiculous. She wants me to read the book "Toxic Parents" and my assignment this week is to write what I would like to see my relationship with my Dad be like and then do the same for my mother. I really don't see my mother and I having much of a relationship from now on until she is ready to admit to the things that she has done in my life! I have forgiven them both and like I have said in a earlier post, all I want from them is the show of love and support now in my life and that just seems too hard to do. Could it be that is because they are used doing cruel things to me? Anna also wants me to write a letter to them expressing my feelings but not to mail it.
Enough on that! That subject really bores me and I'm sure it does you too, so let's get on to my visit with Kathy.
She had a patient just before me so when she called me back I wrote her a check while she pulled up my eating record and looked over it. We discussed how I didn't reach my goal of cooking at least 3 times and she did understand that I had been sick and wasn't feeling good. She also told me that she realized that I just had some tough things happen in my life and she could understand that maybe I was suffering with some depression. I told her that Anna and I briefly talked today about me being lazy. That is what I told Anna. I told Kathy the same thing. I told her that I spent the day with a laptop in my lap in front of the TV and I was just lazy! I told her that I just put things off. She questioned me if it was really laziness or did I really have difficulty cooking and doing other things. She said that she could understand that it would be a big challenge at my size and I told her that it was. I told her it didn't take long and my feet were ruined. We talked about doing easy things and I made the comment that I just didn't like baked chicken and broccoli. I thought she was going to flip on me. She quickly said that it didn't have to be just baked chicken and steamed broccoli but that there were some easy recipes out there.
I explained to her how I met my "cookie" friends on the WW Boards back in 2004 when I just started Weight Watchers. I told her about how the group loved to cook from Cooking Light and when they tried a recipe and they thought it was "company worthy" in went into the collection of recipes that had about 3,000 recipes at the time. I told her that everyone cooked from that list and I started doing the same. I told her that we ate better than any restaurant. I told her I got use to that. I told her that I just can't cook that way anymore and anything less just didn't do it for me. She quickly told me that she could bet that I could look through the recipes and find something that was fast and easy. She encouraged me to do so but she also told me that she did not want me to spend hours doing it. She told me maybe a hour or so to find 3 quick and easy recipes. I told her that I would do that. I told her that I was going to get the Chicken Pot Pie Soup made today and we talked about it and how much it made. She suggested that because it made so much to freeze enough for us to have another meal but to possibly save back some to eat with my sandwich at lunchtime. That sounded good to me.
We then discussed what happened the night we ordered the 2 medium pizzas and ate them. She asked me what could we have done differently. I told her the mistake was thinking that I would stop eating at what I considered a meal. I told her that it was pizza from Papa John's and that it came with garlic butter and she was shaking her head acknowledging that she knew about the garlic butter and how good it was. I told her that it was the garlic butter that made me lose my mind. She told me that it just turned into mindless eating. She asked me what did I think that we should do to avoid that happening again. I told her that we didn't need to order pizza to be delivered at home anymore but that we needed to go out and eat the pizza and before we go we need to make sure we both understand that we will only get one medium pizza. She then asked me what else could you order to make it more of a meal. I told her that we could add a salad and she nodded her head yes. She then told me that she didn't have a problem with us splitting a medium pizza but she had a big problem with us eating a medium pizza each. She told me that we needed to find the best pizza place we could find and go there and enjoy it. I agreed. She told me that she wanted me to do that soon. She said that she did not want me to beat myself up over it.
We then discussed how much we eat out and how bad it was. She told me that it is going to be real hard for me to lose any weight till that stops and becomes more like a treat. I agreed. I told her that we were sick of everything that we were eating. She told me that she could see that I really try to make good choices but the reality is, it is still too many calories. We also talked about the stuffed baked potato that we ate last night for dinner. She told me one easy meal that I could do is bake my own potatoes and put my own meat on it. She suggested HEB's shredded beef that they sale in a container. I said to her "I can have that?" and she said 'Of course". You can have anything.
I finally got up the nerve to ask her if this "No Diet" was temporary and that eventually she would bring me full circle and put me on one so that I could start losing this weight. She took a deep breath and looked at me and said "Has dieting helped you?" I didn't know what to say. She went on to say "Yes, you lost weight but what has always happened" I said to her "I gain it back." So she said again "So does dieting work for you?" I told her "No." She told me that she did not want me to diet any more. The key to this will be portion control and satisfying what my body needs. To think through and plan each time I eat. So...I'm done with dieting. I will work on accepting that I don't have to weigh or measure. I just need to learn what is reasonable for my body and learn how to truly feed it what it needs, to satisfy my cravings with sensible portions This has been such a head trip but I can tell in some ways it is getting easier. I can't describe the guilt that I sometimes have because of my dieting nature. When I make my sandwiches now, I don't feel as guilty not weighing and measuring the things that go on my sandwich, I just make it and I enjoy it. I am satisfied when I finish. I make sure that I have the things that I like on a sandwich in the house. I have different chips. It's o.k. Now if I can just get that way about dinner.
I have got to work on asking myself the questions that I hear Kathy say to me all the time. I need to think through what I'm doing, why I am eating, it is a craving or a need. I need to eat at the table and not all over the place so that I will only want to eat at the table and stop the association of needing something to eat while in the media room and in my car! I've got to plan. Not stress but plan. I need to make sure that I have what I need at home at all times.
Kathy gave me the same goals this week. To cook 3 times, to find 3 easy and quick recipes, to think and follow through, to eat at the table for each meal and snack. So I will do that.
I came home and made my sandwich and chips and I ate my lunch and I enjoyed it. I had a smoked turkey sandwich with enough meat to satisfy me, cheese because I love it on my sandwich, light mayo, red onions and lettuce. I had some jalapeno chips to go with it and a Coke Zero. It was so good. I was hungry when I got home.
The bad thing...
I fell asleep and woke up at 5:30 to feed the cats. But, while they ate I got out the mushrooms for the soup and I washed them to get them ready to slice. I then went and sat down and waited for Mark to call so that I could finish giving him the list of things that we needed from the store. He hadn't called and it was 6:30 and so I called him and he was just sitting around talking to his friend Max. He wrote down what I needed and I asked him not to call because I was going to make the soup. I did make the soup and my feet did hurt a little. The soup was so good. I will post the recipe tomorrow. I do have the nutritional information in case you need it. I also took a picture of it. I hope that you all will try it.
The rest of the evening I got caught up with emails and Facebook. Mark has already gone to bed. I think that I will go and hit the hay as well. I need to have just as good of a day as I had today. I will cook dinner tomorrow night. It may not be a recipe, but I'm planning to eat at home.
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