I'm terribly sorry that time keeps getting away from me and this blog. I've just gone through a very tough time with my parents again. When I wrote the introduction to the last time I posted what I didn't tell you was that morning I talked to my Mom for the first time. Let me just say that I tried with all my might to be kind and I was, but I felt that all I got was things thrown up into my face and I believe that I have finally came to the conclusion that things will never be right with me and my Mom. I was a total mess that morning. Here is how the day played out...
After I hung up from my Mom, I just sat and cried. When I got a hold of myself I sent Anna a text to let her know hat we talked and it didn't go good. She texted me back and told me that she hadn't left but was fixing to board a plane. She told me that she was sorry but to journal about our conversation and bring it with me next week. (I do have two back to back sessions with Anna this week and I'm sure that it will help me). I again, so desperately wanted to binge. I didn't eat breakfast but I did get ready and I headed to Kathy's.
When I got there and Kathy called me back she greeted me with a pooched out lip and a sad face because I had called her the day before and left her a message about what was going on and I felt a binge coming on. As I walked into her office she patted me on the back and asked me how I did the day before. I told her that I made it through but that I really wanted to binge today. I started crying and I told her about my conversation with my Mom.. She wasn't real happy that I hadn't eaten but I told her that when I had left the house I was nauseated and I just couldn't eat. I told her that right now I just want to eat anything and everything that I could get my hand on and she told me she understood but that wasn't the best thing for me. The told again how important it was to eat according to my schedule in spite of my feelings to make the best choices that I could and to avoid what I really wanted. In other words if chips were calling my name to stay out of the pantry and look in the refrigerator for a meal and I left overs from dinner is what I wanted to eat then find something in the pantry. If I had to go to my bedroom and take some deep breaths and refocus on what I should be doing and not doing. Ask myself all the questions that she has taught me so far. I told her that I would be glad when she just lived in my head. I told her that sometimes I don't even know if I ask the questions right or wrong. She told me that she has other patients who tell her that they wished she didn't live in my head. I can't wait until she does.
She then told me that she knew that I had to be really hungry and I told her that I was. She told me that when I left her office that I was to put my car on auto-pilot and go straight home and fix my sandwich and chips, then I was to have my afternoon snack on time, dinner on time and my bedtime snack on time. She told me to eat even if I thought I didn't want to. She reminded me again that not eating was not a option to me. I had to eat and I had to be mindful of what I was eating and the desire of binging would go away. I know she is right because I have experienced it and I'm telling you if you binge you need to try this. You will be amazed on how well it works. It is hard and you have to fight but it doesn't take too long that all of the desire leaves you and you are back in control of your environment and what you know you should be doing.
We went over just a few days of my Recovery Record and discussed why I was skipping meals and most of it was because I wasn't hungry or I slept through a meal. She told me again the importance of not missing any meals or snacks and if I fall asleep to eat the missed meal right then and get back on schedule. She told me that she didn't care if I had lunch a hour before I had my afternoon snack but it was very important to get back on my eating schedule and stick to it. She reminded me again how not doing what she says will mess me up. She really stressed "DON'T MESS A MEAL OR A SNACK!". I think that I have it.
That was the end of our session and let me tell you it was 12:30 and I hadn't had anything to drink since my coffee at 5:00, so I was dying of thirst. I wanted to hit a fast-food place for a coke and I felt like I could do it but I decided that I would follow her advice and I would go straight home, however I did have to stop at the Vet to get the boys their food. I made it home and I grabbed a Coke Zero as soon as I got into the house and then I made my lunch and by my afternoon snack I had no desire to binge. She is so right and again I encourage you to try it. It really works. The cool thing about it is that I still can have anything that I want but I must be mindful of what it is that I want and to make sure it is appropriate for the time and if it is not to plan for it on another day. This is truly been so freeing to me.
I did survive the emotional day. I didn't binge. I got back on track with my feeling and my emotions and once again I saw how stupid it was to have wanted to binge. I wouldn't have won, my mother would have. It gave me such strength to know that "I" can control my circumstances!!!!
OK, Another week has gone by. I haven't binged but I have had to deal with some strong hunger that I don't understand. I know that I have eaten more in quantity like picking up a morning snack but I also started this putting a couple of chips in my mouth when I'm packing Mark's lunch in the morning. My selections haven't been the greatest and this past week, especially the last couple of days I am seeing mindless eating creeping its way back into my life. I'm so glad it is Thursday morning and I have my two back to back sessions with Anna about my calls to my parents and I'm really anxious to see Kathy so that I can tell her what is going on with me. I'm feeling bored with it all! That is a dangerous place to be. I can tell I still have a long way to go but I am learning honesty is the best policy and I'm also trusting my team to help me. I want to be free from my eating disorder. I will be free one day. I just have to keep telling myself "One day at a time!"
So...tonight we start a new. No more trying to catch up. It's impossible and I'm only making this worse by trying to do it. So check back tomorrow and see how Anna and Kathy help me with this strange but familiar place that I'm in!
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