Believe it or not I am up! Maybe it is because I slept all afternoon after I got home from the Dr. and then I fell asleep again at 9:00 and went to bed at 10:30! Anyway we'll see how far I get before I get sleepy, so let's go!
Friday I had a good day and was very proud on how I recovered so quickly from the binge and relished in the thoughts of what Kathy had taught me. I would have never tried to just go back to doing what I needed to do with out her pushing. I'm telling you it works!
Saturday was pretty much a lazy day around here and we didn't really do all that much during the day and I did keep on my eating schedule and I ate well and Mark and I both wanted to go out and have a margarita and fajitas Saturday night. For the first time in a long time I didn't have this fear of going to eat mexican food well up in my body or did I have the thoughts of "Oh No! I'm fixing to be so bad!" We went and we ordered our Fajitas for Two, Mark had a margarita and I decided that I really didn't want one so I had a diet coke. We didn't order queso so we enjoyed some chips and salsa. It was the first time that I really slowed down and wasn't cramming chips in my mouth as fast as I could. I guess I had about 8 chips and our dinner came. I fixed me a chicken fajita first with grilled onions, guacamole and some pico de gallo and I enjoyed it so much. It tasted really great. I then ate some of my charro beans and tasted my rice and then I fixed a beef fajita and put the same things on it. It was really good as well. After the beef fajita I was done, I was tired of the taste and I was just satisfied with what I had and enjoyed every bit of it. Mark ate chips, cleaned out his beans and rice and ate 4 fajitas. I thought I was going to get sick watching him remembering that I use to keep right up with him and would get mad at him in my mind because he always put more meat on his fajita that I would and I was always in a panic that there was not going to be enough for me to have four! How crazy was that?!!!!!
Sunday was just another day of watching TV and doing not much of anything except watching the Superbowl. We didn't even have any snacks. We had stuffed potatoes made at home and we went to bed at a normal time. The weird thing was I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and I was extremely sad over this situation with my parents. I was really brokenhearted as I miss them so much and I just can't understand how or why they would all of a sudden decide that they didn't want to talk to me anymore until I heal and the problem with it is that they are so much a part of my healing process. Feeling unloved all your life, your dream is that for one day to feel love from your family and not have them reject you like they have. I hate that my feelings all my life have had a big confirmation! I cried and cried till I fell back to sleep in my chair.
Monday morning I told Mark what had happened and told him that I was so sad and so depressed. He felt awful for me. I was still crying. I got him off to work and the whole day I cried and cried and cried and I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I did eat like I should because I knew that it was important. I went to bed Monday night sad. In fact I slept through The Biggest Loser! You know that I wouldn't normally do that!
Tuesday morning I woke up still very sad and couldn't keep my family out of my mind. I wondered what they were doing and wondered if they missed me as much as I miss them. I wondered if they ever thought about me or was I just out of their minds for good because they hated me so bad. I wondered how could my mother give birth to me and hate me so much. I wondered what I ever did. I wished that I had never been born and I wished that I would just die. I knew that I was seriously depressed. I didn't want to eat that morning. By noon time I was hungry but I wanted a sandwich and a whole bag of potato chips. I stayed out of the kitchen and didn't eat because I was so afraid of binging. I slept most of the afternoon to keep from eating. Mark brought home Panda Express and I did eat what I normally get from there and for my bedtime snack, I had 2 cookies and 2 scoops of ice cream which I knew was excessive but "I deserved it because I didn't eat all day." thought in my mind. (Hang on to that thought for later!).
Wednesday, I was feeling pretty sad but I was functioning a little better I forgot to mention that on Tuesday, Mark had his desk gone through again by his employer and he was extremely upset because he had not changed one thing since she had gone through it the first time. I can only imagine how he feels. He had taken off to go get our car tags and car registration straightened out at the court house. He knew that I was in no shape to do it and my tags had expired on my truck so we needed them. I did eat pretty well on Wednesday but Mark brought home dinner again. Crazy but I was making good decisions based on my new lifestyle and I was mindful of how much I ate. I for sure didn't over eat all this week. I did have another crying jag in the afternoon that was really bad. I feel like "Would someone just shoot me and relieve me of this pain and loss?!!!"
Thursday my session with Anna was full of tears and the pouring out of my feelings of what I'm going through. I told Anna I hate this waiting everyday to see if they are going to call and be ready to talk to me again. I told her that I felt that time was ruining our relationship because as time went on I could see the relationship deteriorate right in front of my eyes. I told her that I was ready to write them a letter and tell them to never contact me again for any reason and at least have the freedom to move on. We discussed everything around it and she suggested that I write individual letters to my Mom, my Dad and even one to my Brother and if I felt good about them then to go ahead a mail them or if I wanted to discuss them in our next session to bring them and we would review them. I was sad to find out that next week (Valentine's Day) she will be out of town so that means no Anna till he 21st. Oh God I hope that I can go that long! She also encouraged me to get a hold of Mark (the one that does my anti-depressants) and let him know how depressed I was and see if he wanted to adjust my meds. I told her that I would and I left and headed for Kathy's.
OK, it is now 3:00 in the morning and this is starting up some of my emotions and I feel like I need to stop for a while and get away from this. I do have my Remicade this morning at 10:00. Hopefully I will get back to this when I get home and hopefully can finish things up through yesterday. Thanks for hanging in there with me.
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