I probably need to go back and read my last post to figure out where I was in catching you all up.
Basically the last few weeks have been really tough. After talking to my parents I had so many mixed feelings and things to work through. I have been able to set my boundaries with them which I thought was going to be tough but they had already decided that they were not going to discuss anymore about what I ate and how much I weighed. They just want us to be happy and enjoy our time together for whatever we have left. That makes me sad because each day they are still here is a blessing. I was so terrified that I would lose one of them during the ordeal that they but me through. I can confidently say that area of my life has been tough but is going good.
During that time of talking to my parents again my eating got out of control. I did not binge but I had periods of not wanting to eat which is bad for a binge eating disorder. I was not being mindful of how much I was eating. I had about a week of that and Kathy and I talked about the importance for me to eat and if I had to, to eat by the clock. I never could find what it took to do that. I was hitting and missing and all the while beating myself up.
I'm going on a cross-stitching retreat next Friday. That has been causing me some anxiety for months. I paid to go last year and it is the type of deal that you can't get your money back. You know I'm just going to be brutally honest here. I know some of my readers are thin, some are at goal, and the others I don't know anything about. But let me tell you when you weigh almost 400 lbs, life is not easy in the hygiene department. At least at home I have access to a shower with a hand held shower head and a husband who will help me. Away from this house scares me to death so that is why I stay on the computer and never really do anything. I'm scared to death to venture out of my comfort zone. Prior to my parents and I talking I had gotten to the point that I could care for myself pretty easily, now it is a issue again and it's one week away. My friend who is putting this all on has done everything humanly possible to help me. She even called to see if they had hand held shower heads in their handicap rooms. They don't but she is going to put me and the girl that I'm riding with in a handicap room. So now I'm fretting about going. I HATE THIS!!!! I have tried a sitz bath and that helps but it doesn't do the whole job. I called medical places to see if anything new is on the market to help the handicap and the severely obese. I can't tell you how many rude people I talked to. I asked one if she had heard how one item works and she abruptly told me that she doesn't know cause she doesn't have the problem. Don't you think "I'm sorry but we have no feedback on this product at this present time" would be a better thing to say. You know, dammit, I haven't always been fat. I have been skinny, but sometimes I would like to wish obesity on these skinny morons that have no compassion! Come on! Our country is in a major epidemic and there are going to be more people that will need understanding and compassion.
Anyway one of the products is called a Bottom Buddy. I had researched this once before and the reviews that I read was it was not very effective for the obese. Well, I got the strange notion to do a search on YouTube as you well know you can find just about anything on YouTube. Well when I did a search for the product another product popped up that I had never seen before and it was called the Freedom Wand and it did have a video and I watched it and I was amazed. The inventor just talked about it and showed you how many different ways it can be used from holding toilet paper to a razor and even one of those scrunchies to bathe with. Do you know how long it has been for me to be able to get all my back side. I was amazed. I called and the inventor answered the phone. I forgot to say she invented it after she was in a car accident and broke her back and she weighed 330 lbs. Anyway I told her who I was and then I started tearing up and I told her my predicament and asked her if the product really worked. She told me that she had sold it to several people who weighed 400 lbs and more and even had a few who weighed 700 lbs. At that point I knew that I had to order it. I had to find something that could help me on this trip or I would have to disappoint people and not go again this year. She told me that because I ordered through her that she would take it back if it didn't work for me. The other thing that is neat is that it comes apart and fits into a cloth case that sticks in your purse. She told me it was her saving grace when she had he accident and then she decided to produce them and sell them. She was so compassionate and understanding, so I'm waiting for it to arrive. The thing retails for $80 but they were on sale for $50 this week. If I can return it then what do I have to lose?!!! I want to go on this trip and not fret!
So with all the anxiety and my moods being all over the place I have had a hard time trying to even focus at getting out here and writing. I wanted to so many times but I just couldn't concentrate enough to get going. I didn't know where to start. I'm not sure where I've started today is a good place to start but I had to get something out here to let ya'll know what was going on. I have not binged constantly but I've not eaten on schedule, I've skipped meals which I know isn't good and more recently I have been wanting to starve myself to get the weight off so that I don't have so many issues. I will get you all caught up with all that Kathy had to say about this. This is the eating disorder rearing its ugly head. She told me that this was my first of many relapses and it is what we do with this one is what will help going down the road.
Finally I have someone who is going to help me get through this and learn from it. Someone who will help me understand it all. The more I work with Kathy the more I realize that I would never reach my goal in doing Weight Watchers. Dieting does not work with eating disorders. It just doesn't. Just today my friend Bobbie who has extremely high blood pressure and can't control her eating told me that she was starting over today. She was going to have 2 Protein shakes a day, one for breakfast and one for lunch and a sensible meal for dinner. I thought I was going to throw up! I'm telling you I thought my head was going to spin on my shoulders it made me so sick and so sad for her. I can look back and see all the times that I said and did the same thing and I had success but I've never been able to hold on to it. This process may be slow but I know that I will get there and I will learn to live with what life has thrown me.
Well, this is lengthy and it is after midnight and I must get some sleep. I want this out there tomorrow so that you all don't think that I don't care about you and that I have forgotten you, I have just been going through a tough learning time. I do have more to share and I will do that tomorrow. I want to share with you all that I'm learning. I want you all to follow me on this journey to finally reach my goal and find peace with food and my life. So hang in there with me. OK?
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