Since my last post I have been in such a state of depression and anxiety that I have been just going nuts! And yes, I am taking all my meds. This trip is driving me crazy, plus after my last post I have been totally embarrassed with what all I shared with you. It may have been too much information but over the last few days I have come to terms that it is what it is and it is very much a part of my life and what so many morbid obese people live with on daily basis. However, I know that this situation will be short lived for me because it will not take much more weight loss and this nightmare will be over for me and I will make sure that it never happens again.
I have been so sad, crying some, fretting a lot, eating and then starving, I have just been all over the place. I have not tracked my food as I have thought why bother. I'm not eating on schedule and I will say I have been more in a not want to eat mode than anything I'm sure that Kathy will have some good strong words for me Thursday. I'm sorry but I just can't get this turned around.
Yesterday, I realized that going on this trip just might not happen. I want to go so badly but not being able to properly care for myself away from home is the issue. I called Karen, my friend that I'm suppose to ride with and told her honestly what was going on and that I still had some more things to try. Yesterday I ordered from Amazon a couple of more devices that may help me be able to go. We'll see. I also called Pam who is having this retreat and told her what was going on. I had a more compassionate response from her than I did Karen, so her response has me real uncomfortable knowing that I'm also rooming with her. She was short and abrupt or at least that is how I felt.
I also talked to the lady that I ordered a device from last week that totally tore me up. She gave me some more tips to try. So, I have 4 things to work with in 3 days to make my decision. I'm still getting things ready to go because if I can I will. If it ends up that I can't go I just don't know what I'll do. Thinking about it makes me so terribly sad and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own home! This is awful! I would not wish this on anyone! I can also see how this mental state would drive someone to get so large that they really are a prisoner in their own home Luckily I have Anna and Kathy and so many people who love and care for me.
Today, I am going to go and try and have a pedicure done. This should be a wonderful thing or another nightmare if I can't fit in the chair or if I have a hard time moving my feet from the bowl to the area where they have to work on them. Kathy is holding me accountable to get this done. So today at 1:00 Central Time, say a prayer for me. I also need to go to Bath and Body Works to get a little gift for Karen for driving us and a Thank You card to put some gas money in. I also want to get one of their travel size room fresheners. I also need to go to Jo Ann's Fabric to get some straight pens with colored ends to help count the holes in my fabric as this is what you do to get started and trust me I usually spend way to much time doing this because I lose count! LOL! I still have the little gift that I need to take that I made last year and I want to go to a gift shop to see if they might have something really cute to put it in. Guys, this trip is so much fun I just have to be able to go!!!!
Bottom line, I hate myself so much. I've done a lot of thinking about where I was at when I had the website and down at my lowest weight. I just cry when I go into my closet and see my skinnier clothes. Why did this have to happen? I know that I don't have anyone else to blame except me. I did this to myself. I've had all year to be ready for this. It has only been the last 3 or 4 months since I have had this issue!!!!
All I can say is "GOD HELP ME!!!!!!"
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