When I woke up this morning, I was positive that I had to leave the house by 9:00 to go up to the Woodlands to see Mark the drug dude. My new name for him since my husband's name is also Mark. I checked my appointment card and it said 2:30. I was so confused but was grateful because I originally got up at 4 and it was going on 7:00 and I had the sleepy's. I can't tell how how fast I fell back asleep. I think it was record time. I had 2 phone calls and 2 text messages and I slept through it all. I wasn't able to get Mark's lunch made so I was suppose to take him a lunch and now I didn't have time to do so. Thank heavens he is a understanding husband and he was very happy to just run out and get his own lunch.
I showered and dressed and headed for Mark's office. I took my Mindful Eating book to read but I didn't get too far before he came and called me back. As we were walking to his office he told me that he had a nurse sitting in with him and did I mind him sitting in on our appointment. I told Mark that I was o.k. with that. My life is such a open book why not one more person. I figured if I could help with some one's training then why not.
Mark started by reading his notes to me from my last visit which was in the middle of April before my parents came and during a time I really felt like I was progressing and I felt hopeful. No evidence of depression he read. My head just dropped and tears filled my eyes. As he got through I said to him "Can I go back there?" He just looked at me. I then said to him, "Do you want the truth or do you want what I can give you through a fake smile?" He told me "The truth".
I told him about all that has happened and how I was struggling. I told him everything up to what is going on now with seeing Dr. Michel (who he knows). I cried the whole time. I couldn't look at the nurse sitting in but I did notice that he stopped typing and was just listening and watching Mark and I. I told Mark that I so wanted to go back to 2010 when I was 280 lbs. and felt on top of the world. I told him that if that was all that I was ever going to get, I would be happy. I told him how unhappy I was now and he asked me "Have you had feelings or thoughts about hurting yourself? I told him, "Mark, I would never hurt myself but I have had feelings that I wish I would die. I assured him that i was not brave enough to take my life and he didn't need to worry about it." He typed like a mad man. Of course some of our conversation was how I took my meds some days and some days not. He told me that I needed to take the everyday and asked me to start taking them. He asked me how many did I have and I told him I really didn't know but that I knew I didn't have a 30 day supply. He told me that we would give me a new prescription. He also told me that I was working with some of the top people working in Eating Disorders and he knew that they would help me and get me where I needed to be. I asked him if he had heard from Dr. Michel and he said "No." I told him that I had signed a release for her to be able to talk to him. He didn't say anything. I asked him if I could see him sooner than 30 days to make sure that this depression goes away and that we didn't need to adjust anything and he said yes.
When I went to check out they made my appointment for 3 weeks from now. I got the date and time worked out and I left. I made it home and I rested and waited for Mark to come home. I wanted to go to a Mexican food place that we haven't been to in a long time...Molina's. Remember it? My favorite place in the whole world. He took me there. I had a great dinner and we talked and I cried but we got out of there before I lost it and I was grateful. We talked some on the way home but not a whole lot.
I have my 3 back to back appointments tomorrow with Anna, Kathy and Dr. Michel. I should be exhausted by the time I get home. I can't promise that I will write tomorrow night but I will write on Friday and let you all know how it goes. I have to close this now because I have some brainstorming to do for Anna.
Here are the questions...
Write down all the ways diets and diet leaders have been abusive to you.
What makes you the angriest about food?
What makes you angry about healthy eating?
What is the rebellion about?
Lots to do and it is late. I hope I can get it done.
Pray for me tomorrow!
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