As Kathy pushed me to make healthier choices my eating and tracking got worse and has remained bad. She didn't like me telling her that I didn't want to do it. I wanted to work on cooking at home and cooking from the list of "no recipe" meals that she had me make up. Anna was doing everything she could to try and make me see that healthier choices didn't mean diet but I just didn't want to start worrying about what to eat and not eat, to give up chips and have some fruit with my sandwich. That is dieting to me! Period! That was something else that I realized, that I really don't enjoy eating fruit. I did it because the points were low but I really don't love fruit. I've never been a diary person either so yogurt is another thing I don't enjoy and those were the two things that Kathy kept talking about. I just rebelled!
So, in the last couple of weeks Anna and I have talked about me digging my heels in and refusing to do something when asked to. I don't know for the life of me why I do it but I do. I talked to my parents about it and they said that I have been that way all my life. They actually told me that they wish now that they would have beat my butt or put me in the corner for the times that they told me to do something and I refused. I'm now seeing this trend all through my life. In relationships, in my career, everything! It is bad! It is also very sad.
The depression and the crying spells kept on happening as well. I was quickly getting where I couldn't live with myself. I wondered if this was the way to go. I wondered if I should go back to dieting. I wondered if I should get serious about surgery. It was a crazy roller coaster.
Since working with Kathy I have become aware of the NEDA (National Eating Disorder Association) and the Center For Change that I found by following Jennifer Schaefer (Life Without Ed) on Facebook. About 2 weeks ago I was so low I started thinking that I needed to go to the Center For Change for their Stabilization Program. I would have gone to Orem, Utah and would have spent a week there in which the treatment would have been so intense I would be able to come out with my act together again. I also checked into some other Eating Disorder Clinics in the country. When I brought this all up with Kathy she told me that I wasn't at the point of needed that kind of help yet. She told me if I was binging 24-7 and couldn't stop then yes, they would be seriously talking to me about going. Kathy did say that she felt like I needed more intensive treatment but that I could do that here.
The Houston Eating Disorder Clinic has a group session on Saturdays on mindful eating and body acceptance. We checked into that and they are not offering it at the present time. Kathy told me that her and her colleague were going to be doing a mindful eating group and that maybe they could get it going sooner and that she would talk to her colleague about that. Kathy then told me that she felt like I needed to get some help with a Eating Disorder Specialist and recommended me to see Dr. Debra Michel the director of The Woodlands Eating Disorder Center and she recommended me seeing a colleague of hers that was in Tomball which is closer to my house. She gave me their information and websites to check out and I went home and did some talking with Mark and checking these two people out. I knew that this was going to be more money out of our pocket and I didn't know how Mark would feel about it all. I was shocked when he said that we would spend whatever it took to get me the help that I needed. We discovered that seeing Anna, Kathy and another psychologist was going to run us about $1,000 a month. Thank you Lord for our inheritance from Mark's sweet Mom. That is the only way that I'm even seeing Kathy. Kathy also seemed to think that I wouldn't have to do this long term but for a time to help get me along.
Well, I looked and read about these two women and I decided on Dr. Debra Michel. Kathy was pleased with my decision and luckily Dr. Michel was accepting new patients. Last week I met with her for the first time. We are presently working on my assessment. She will be working with Anna and Kathy to help me get myself together again. I really did like her. She has a lot of experience with eating disorders, has written books on the subject and has served on committees including the NEDA. I'm sure you can understand why I picked her. Plus, she started the Woodlands Eating Disorder Clinic which is how I found Kathy.
So, this brings you up to date. This morning I see Mark about my anti-depressants. I'm sure Dr. Michel has already talked to him so we will see if he will adjust them. I am depressed in spite of taking my drugs. Have I been good about it? No. I'm hit and miss with them. I'm hit and miss with everything lately. I am truly a mess. But I want to get better. I want to recover. I just need help.
Tomorrow I see Anna, then Kathy and then Dr. Michel, I hope my head can handled 3 sessions back to back. This is intensive. Oh and I nearly forgot. Dr. Michel has a colleague who is fixing to start a group that she wants me to be a part of. Whew. Let it all begin!
I'll post again Thursday after I see everyone. I covet your prayers and warm thoughts!
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