I took a nap and woke up needing to talk to someone so I called my niece Meredith. I was aware that she most likely didn't know my parents were coming and I was right and after I told her I needed to talk and started telling her the story of my day she blew up at my parents coming and nobody telling her and on and on. After calming her down and explaining everything to her I was in a bad mood, really I was pissed off because she told me to call her when I needed to talk and when I did this happened. I got off the phone with her and decided to call Rae.
As I started my conversation with Rae nearly the same thing happened. She had heard all about what my parents did in early December and she had thought all long that I should have tried to fix things but she just didn't understand about my life and my relationship with my parents. So she started in on me about feeling anxiety which is not what I told her but had explained to her that is what Mark thought. Anyway it turned into a different type of argument and in the middle of it Mark called and I was so thoroughly pissed by this point I told him to go get Enchiladas De Tejas, Queso with Taco Meat, a order of Guacamole and to make sure and get chips and salsa. I'm sure by the tone of my voice he knew he had better or else. He did. I got off the phone with Rae before he got home with an agreement that we would come over to her house later to give her our opinion about a paint color that she was using in one of her bedrooms.
Now let me say this. What I had Mark bring home I have eaten many times in a restaurant minus the guacamole. I usually would leave full but not hurting. After eating what he brought home I was sick. I was hurting and I could hardly breathe. Mark and I didn't say much during the dinner. Mark has pretty much learned over our near 27 years of marriage when to just leave me alone. That is a good thing but it is also a bad thing. Anyway once we got done. I sat up straight and I just started bawling. I was sick and I wanted to throw up but couldn't. It was the most miserable feeling I had ever experienced. Even when I lived with the band around my stomach.
While I was crying I told Mark what had happened. I told him that I was never ever going to try to talk to anybody ever again about what I'm going through. I felt so alone and so sick. He told me that I still needed to talk to me and encouraged me not to stop talking about it with my friends and family if I needed to. but after fighting all day long over Ed and winning and and then for Ed to have been quiet and for 2 women to get to me like they had I just felt like talking about this anymore just wasn't going to be part of the journey.
I got a hold of myself and we went to Rae's and I didn't say anything about what happened and we looked at her paint and Mark fixed her light fixture in her closet and we came home and went to bed. It was only then that I had finally gotten to the point that I felt like I could no longer feel the food.
Here is the most awesome thing. The next morning I woke up and I went back to doing what I had been doing. Eating on schedule and eating mindfully. I had a great day. I didn't think about the day before for the first time I just moved on. I can't even tell you what that felt like. Normally I would have woke up and continued the bad eating. I realized that what I was learning was working. I knew I owed a lot to Kathy.
My eating was good from then on and even when my parents were here. I was a bit nervous once my parents got to my house but not one time did we discuss what I was eating, nothing We had a great visit and on the last night they were here we sat down and had the most incredible 3 hour conversation of my life. We all shared, cried and finally came to a true understanding of what I have been feeling and how sorry we all were for all of our hurtful doings and sayings. It was a dream come true. I can say that even now our relationship is one that it should have been my entire life. I love them so much and for the first time I truly feel how much they truly love me. I have finally healed from this part of my life!!!!
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