Will I Survive?

Today I got up and knew that I had my appointment to see my oncologist that is long overdue from either her having to cancel or move my appointment or me having to cancel or move my appointment.  Today I just could face having to stand in the shower to do my hair and drive and walk and sit and drive back home.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it so I rescheduled the appointment for a couple of weeks.

I was pretty lazy today and spent most of the day on the computer.  I did get Mark in to see the Dr. and I called our favorite salesman at Mitsubishi to apologize for forgetting our appointment last night.  I may be getting a new car.  I know, I have gotten a new car about every 14 months but this one we have been waiting for and it is due to hit in late May or early June.  It is the new 2014 Mitsubishi Outlander and it is a new body style.  Not sure if we will do it because we have to get enough money out of my lease in order to do so.  This time we are going to buy the car outright.  I'm torn as to what to do.  I love the new one and Mark has promised me one with leather and all the bells and whistles but and this is a big BUT....I only drive to the Dr. and to the store or meet a friend for lunch so do I really need such a loaded up car?  At the end of my lease in 3 years we will owe less than $10,000 for the car however if we buy the new loaded one it will probably cost us $20,000.00 +.  I go back and forth with it.  I think that I made too big of stink of Mark trading my Endeavor in on his fully loaded Galant.  Is a car that important?  A part of me thinks that the money needs to go into an investment.  I know that I have more sense about cars than Mark does.  There was nothing wrong with our 2005 Endeavor.  It only had 63,000 miles on it and it was paid for.  It took that trade plus $15,000 to get him in that Galant.  When I get to really thinking about it like writing all of this I think that we just need to let it all go and keep my truck and move on.  Don't you?

Tonight when it got time to cook dinner, I really did not want to do it because of the pain that I'm in.  When I finally talked myself into getting up and dealing with it all my phone started ringing with one call after another after another.  It was then 6:30 and I really didn't want to do it and I was so tempted to call Mark and have him bring home dinner and not tell Kathy.  I had to tell "Ed"  "Wait a minute buster, I am not about to start lying to Kathy!  No way, No how!"  I told myself "You may be hurting but you are more about the norm of eating out than working on this bad habit that you have formed.  Get off you lazy butt and get in there and do this one step at a time."  So that is what I did.  I got the potatoes ready and I was about to cry but I got them n the oven and made it back to my chair and put my feet up for 10 minutes and then I went in there and got the fish in their packets and in the oven and made it back to sit down and put my feet up.  Mark got home and he helped me get the green beans in the oven to roast and he served it up and he unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher for me.  I shutter to think what pain I'm going to feel when I finish this and try and get up to stand and make it to the back of the house to go to bed.  OMG!

One thing really cool today that I did was look at the workbook that Kathy and I will be starting on Thursday about eating mindfully.  I'm excited about getting to work on that and learn more to help my recovery.  I read the Introduction and it was really neat.  She wrote this workbook for people who wanted to learn more about mindful eating than just from her book.  It has exercises and such to do before and after meals and it is going to teach me how to be mindful in many different circumstances which is where I feel like I flounder a lot right now.  The book is also used in group therapy and I can see where maybe Anna can be a part of the feelings and emotions tied to this.  The cool thing is that the author said that this is for anyone who wants to break the diet/gain cycle.  Can't wait to start sharing what I learn during this phase of recovery.

Well, I am tired and I do need to get some sleep.  When you read this tomorrow, please pray for my knees and ankles and this unrelenting pain that I'm in.  My prayer as I close tonight is that I will wake up pain free or at least with only the amount that I usually have to deal with.  I can't wait to have lunch with my friend and to go and shop at Sprouts!  A new store that just opened!  More about it tomorrow!