Has It Really Been This Long?

I'm sorry!  I knew it had been a while but NOT this long!

A lot has happened in the last 4 months!  A lot!  Life has been a whirl wind and lots of changes.  Good ones.  Lots of good work in therapy.  I have not binged since Christmas!  So I am now considered in Recovery!  So there is some good news.

The rest?  You will have to come back next week and I start you on the journey to fill you in.  Right now I'm stuck in the hospital right now for the 2nd time in 2 weeks.  It's serious but you all know I'm a fighter and I will win!  Don't worry it's not cancer!

I know you have noticed I have changed the blog and I hope you like it. Check back on Monday and I promise to be out here more consistently!

Slept A Bunch!

I had the sleepies today!  I guess from the emotional day yesterday.

I am for sure on a mission to find a Private Chef to come and help with meals around here until I can get a big chunk of this weight gone and can start doing more things around here.  I may even ponder going back to the gym.  Ponder.

I ate better today.  Not mindful but making better choices.  Felt some peace with our decision of hiring someone to help.  I posted on my FB page to see if anyone I knew had ever used one.  I had forgotten a friend of mine's daughter is a Chef and she posted how she could help.  I just cried.  I feel such desperation.  I sent her a personal message and I'm hoping I'll hear back from her soon.

I emailed one late last night but she is booked.  I wrote her back to see if she could recommend someone and she sent me 2 names.  I plan on contacting them.  I emailed another one but I was just outside the area he serviced.  He sent my email to someone who does my area and she wrote me and I wrote her back.  I'm waiting to hear from her again.  So the wheel is turning.  I have written about my thoughts and feelings on my recovery record.  If I find one to hire I will stop seeing Kathy until I can do and be all she thinks I can be.  I swear I want to put that woman in a fat suit and let her live in my body for a week.  I think she would become more understanding!!!!  I plan on telling Dr. Michel about my decision tomorrow.

Mark did go to the store for me today and I do have things to put in the crock pot tomorrow or Tuesday for a new soup.  A Enchilada Soup recipe found on Facebook.  I'm making some changes.  I do have some potatoes to boil and veggies to steam now.  Just have to thaw some chicken or fish and bake it and make it through.  Mark can help.

I hope it doesn't take too long to find some help.

Busy day tomorrow.  Not sure I can do it.  I have no energy.  Get up bathe and wash hair, drive to Woodlands to see Dr. Michel, then go to Dr. Perez for knee injections, then Dr. Crows for lab work and possible iron IV.  Tuesday another Dr. apt about this leg infection.  Thurs will be Anna and possibly Kathy.  Maids come Tuesday.  I'm tired....

Pray for me to make it through....

Feeling very depressed...

Today Mark worked and I felt like crap all day long.

Ernie jumped on one side of my recliner a knocked a empty cup of hot chocolate off along with a empty coke can.  In that scuffle he jumped to the other side and knocked a whole can of Coke Zero to the floor.  Being that I can hardly move I had a very hard time trying to clean it up because I can't breathe when I bend over.  I did the best I could then I was exhausted.

Mark brought double meat and cheese Whataburger's home with fries and I finished the burger and most of the fries.  Needless to say I wasn't "mindful" at all.  Mark went about his day and I did my normal snoozing the day away.

I had a phone session yesterday with Kathy and it wasn't good.  She doesn't get it.  She has no idea what it is like to weigh over 420 and can't do very much in taking care of yourself.  I'm sick of the badgering about eating out versus cooking.  Today I have pondered quitting.  I had it out with Mark tonight and I end the day feeling like no one understands my life.  I don't know what to do.  I know I want to be mindful but I want everyone off my back and give me some help.  I just need help till I can function again.  That is what I need and want right now.  I'm tired.  I also wasn't very mindful tonight.

It will get better.  It has to!  Prayers please!

I Am Still Here...

Believe it or not I come out here to see if anyone even checks on me anymore and I see a few of you faithful followers who still care checking things out.  I love each of you who have done this.

Believe it or not I have hired an awesome Blog designer to change everything up as this is no longer a Weight Loss Journey but a Eating Disorder Recovery Journey.

I'm doing away with Photos, Stats and Recipes.  I'm not saying I will not share but the focus in Recovery is more about life than food.  Life becomes the bigger picture and food becomes very small.  During my time away I have learned a lot.  Food is fuel.  Have I gotten that?  No!  Not totally!  But I am learning.  I've been learning a lot!  Confusing at times, frustrating at times, even finding at times that I want to give up and go back to dieting, yet the realization that diets don't work nor will they ever I have to keep "Trusting The Process" and trusting my team.

This journey so far has changed both Mark and I.  He has become my rock.  He holds me up when I don't feel like I can go the next step.  It has been hard spending the last year weighing over 400 lbs.  I can only dream about the days of being under 300 lbs and what that felt like.  At least this time I know when I get there I will never have to worry about going back up.  Mark is grasping "Mindfulness" in his own life and talks about how good it feels.  Oh what we have done to our bodies.

I'm still dealing with a low Ferratin level.  We decided to pay for the treatments out of pocket but after the 2nd infusion I experienced some bad side effects one being chest pains that I chose to stop treatment and they did clear up.  Tummy issues as well.  I see the Dr. next Friday and I want to see where that level is before I make the decision to continue.  During the holidays I have had a flare up with Cellulitius in my leg and I'm still taking antibiotics and trying to avoid my Infectious Disease Dr. and they are getting better slowly.  The holidays were very hard on me trying to do too much.  I can say that I'm sick of hearing...what are we going to eat, when are going to eat, where's this, where's that and food, food, food!  I just want a vacation away from FOOD!!!

I am coming back to share the journey on a personal level and not so much as what my team is doing but I'm sure that will make it's way here some.  It will be more about my feelings and daily doings of getting in the recovery mode and staying there.  The 27 days I made it was bliss.  90 Days and they say I will be in RECOVERY!  I want it!

I will start writing about my day from sun up till bedtime and I will publish it.  Daily.  Yes...Daily!

Starting in the morning...

Feeling Lost!

Dealing with this low B-12 and Ferratin level and a insurance company who will not approve the iron IV that will correct the Ferratin...I'm just starting to feel lost!  Let me explain.  Last Friday I went in to see my Oncologist about this issue and to talk to her about the run around that I felt that I was getting from her staff.  First the stuff about the staff blew up in my face.  Of course she took their side but she said something that I knew might be becoming a problem with this new O'Bama Health Care Plan but I never thought that I would hear from one of my Dr.'s the following: "Laura, you have nothing to give back to society so this new health care plan would rather you be dead than spend any money on you!  You are going to see more things denied when all of this goes into effect!"  I was kinda shocked, kinda not!  I had been reading that the older you get the less they are going to pay but I never thought I would hear it put exactly this way!  I nevertheless started crying and told her that I knew how to end a life and we had a few other things to say which I can't recall.  I made it out of her office and to my car before I just totally lost it.  All I could think about was binging.  I called Kathy crying and told her what was going on.  My team has been very supportive while we try and get this resolved with the insurance company.  She talked to me for a while and got me back to thinking with a clear head about binging and I didn't do it.  I still felt like crap and I did make it home, had some lunch and took a nap.

Over the last month, my neighbor Rae has been sucking me dry, keeping up late at night talking about this man that she has been seeing.  To sum it all up in a nutshell, she needs to grow up and realize that relationships at 56 are not like they were when you are 16, you don't sleep with someone after after 3 dinner dates, phone calls and texting over 6 weeks and then wonder why the relationship changes.  Bottom line last Thursday night was the last night that woman is ever going to get a minute of my time!  I'm done!  I don't need the drama and I don't need things thrown up in my face.  Is that a friend?  NO! DONE!

So, yesterday was Remicade and today I slept a lot, tomorrow I'm seeing Anna and Kathy and I haven't followed my food plan nor have I recorded a morsel of food that has gone down my throat.  Sitting here tonight eating M&M's mindlessly and seeing how long it has been since I've written on this blog I'm sick of it all.  It is only within my own power that I can say enough and turn it all around and I'm going to do it period!  I want to experience 23 lbs in 27 days again.  It was sweet.  I felt like a million dollars and I want to feel that again!!!!

The Ferratin and B-12?  I've started the B-12 injections and I'm waiting for the insurance again.  If it gets denied again we are going to pay for it out of our own pocket.  It has been 10 years since I've needed it so it is worth paying $550 to get my energy back which will help my mood and my eating and getting back to what I need to do!  The Dr. will have to approve me paying for it!

So, tomorrow night I will write about how my meeting with Kathy goes, my follow-up with the insurance and my getting back to MINDFULNESS!

Thanks for letting me vent!  You all are the best!

What Can I Say?

Boy have I ever left you all out in the Abyss!  It wasn't my intention, it just happened.  I guess it was suppose to be this way.

Mark's party went great and everyone had a great time.  Stacey and I surprised him with a evening cruise on Galveston Bay on a private sail boat and we all had so much fun and we want to do it again!  It was a trip getting me up on the boat and getting me off but Stacey, Mark and the Owner were patient and helpful.  Me?  Totally embarrassed and just wanted to cry, but once the boat started moving I felt such freedom.  I love the water!

I started struggling about what to write in regards to my therapy and my recovery.  It has gotten so intense and every session with Dr. Michel, Stacy and Kathy has just made my head spin.  I was walking away not knowing what hit me.  Confused.  Bewildered.  Sometimes Angry.  Most of the time in tears.  I just couldn't remember enough to be able to tell you all much about any thing.  I have  a friend who reads this blog and we talked on the phone about how I was feeling about writing and she confirmed what I needed to do is write about is what is going on with me and not write what the therapists are saying and doing.  I guess when this first started this I felt like I could write about my sessions and hopefully it would help someone who couldn't afford this type of treatment because it is so expensive.  $1500.00 a month!  It is a true commitment, and Mark and I are in it for whatever it takes.  This is life or death.

About half-way through my Mindful Eating group I found that Susan Albers had a set of CD's called "Mindful Appetite" which was the greatest thing that I have purchased so far.  The CD's she explains Mindful Eating and she actually walks you through some exercises that you do along with her.  Since I only listened to the CD's in my car going and coming to therapy I could only imagine doing the exercises with her but it worked and sunk into my brain.  I did learn a lot in group too.  What helped me the most in group was all the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills that Stacy taught us which helps you be more mindful in all aspects of your life not just eating.  They had more impact on me than I thought that they would.  DBT is a huge part of treating Binge Eating Disorder.

About the middle of September I thought I had some cellulitus develop in my right food and I contacted Kathy because I needed to miss my next appointment in order to see my infectious disease Dr.  Well, she contacted Dr. Michel and since my weight was up to 427 lbs they decided that it was time to put me into a treatment center.  Dr. Michel contacted the CEO of BEDA and they spent the weekend looking at which treatment center would be good for me.  Well they haven't said for sure but they talk a lot about one in Chicago.  This was also at the same time that Mark was in the process of changing jobs.  At his birthday party he heard of a opening and he pursued it and he is happy as a lark in his new position.  It was crazy scarey for me.  Our insurance was going to switch to Cobra for a couple of months and all I could think of was what kind of headache would that be in trying to get it all approved as well as if I didn't get released by the time the new insurance kicked in they would have to get the new one to approve.  It all just freaked me out.  I wasn't ready and I can only tell you that it scared me straight!

In the next 30 days I lost 27 lbs.  Just eating mindfully.  Just eating at the table and not in front of the TV.  Preparing easy meals at home with Mark's help.  We did it and the success was sweet.  I was really on a roll and then life happened.  I got sick and started feeling like I had no energy, didn't feel like moving and just wanted to sleep..  My sleeping patterns got off and I was cat napping 24 hours a day.  I had an appointment with my Oncologist and I have a low Ferratin level and low B-12.  We have been fighting with my insurance for the last 2 weeks trying to get the iron IV approved but so far no luck.  Hopefully this week my luck will change and we will be able to get this going.  Otherwise, I'm just sleeping a lot!

I have been having a hard time doing anything right over the last couple of weeks.  Fear is starting to come back to the fact that they can pull the string to send me away.  I've been open and honest with my feelings that I feel that I am slipping backwards but they are assuring me that it's only because I have so much going on medically.  I sure hope so.

So, I will get out here and sharing my feelings more.  I'm not going to try and give a play by play of my sessions, it has just become too hard.  I hope you all understand.

Here is my new mantra:

"Life itself is the proper binge" - Julia Childs

Binge on Life!  It's worth it!

I'm Still Here!

I'm here and I know I've been extremely quiet.  I had to be.  Lots going on.  I have Dr. Michel this morning and I'm going to try really hard to fill you all in when I get home.