Could This Be The Beginning Of The End?

Today I saw Anna and we had a good visit.  That is what our sessions have been like for the last several months.  Just going and chatting with a friend.  Telling her what is going on in my life and really not doing any work.  I do most of the talking and at the end she tells me how well I'm doing, how proud she is of me and tells me that I have come a long way.  You know what?  I have.

It is hard to believe that 4 years ago I was a very troubled woman with deep scars and a troubled view of my family.  Low self-esteem drove me to eat uncontrollably and binge a lot.  What I have found over the last 4 years is I can't control my family and what they do.  I am a good person, I am fun to be with, I care deeply about everything, but the biggest thing is I AM O.K.

I think that I told you all that I decided to stop my anti-depressants back in April after the hospital stay.  I was at a pretty low after being told that "the Volkswagen is going to pull the Mac truck must longer!"  When that stupid cardiologist would do anything but tell me that I was going to die.  I decided then if I am going to die I'm not going to take happy pills.  You know it was the best decision of my life.  I've been off of them now for nearly 9 months.  Depressed?  No.  I didn't even tell Anna that I stopped them till September and she was shocked and she didn't think that it was a good idea.  She has since changed her mind and agrees that I don't need them anymore.  I tried to convince Mark Lajsek that I wanted off and he would not help me get off.  I tried and tried each time I went to see him convince him to let me wean off and he disagreed.  I was off them but I didn't know how to stop coming to see him.  The last time I saw him he really peeved me off by telling me that we had just made changes to what I was taking and he thought we should stay where we were at.  Remind you I was not taking them for the last 6 months!  It really showed me that does a Psychiatrist really know if you need these drugs.  I think we as individual knows and I'm not going to discount that there are people who really need them and are not on them.  I have a neighbor that is so Bi-polar it isn't funny.  I see her mood swing 3-4 times in a single conversation.  Her family sees it and there is no convincing her that she needs them.  In those cases I do think Dr.'s know.  For ordinary depression I thing we as individuals know if we need them.  There was a time I really needed them and I am grateful that I had them.  I had an appointment scheduled to see Mark again early Dec. and I called and just cancelled the appointment and told them that I would not be coming back.

I went through the holidays with typical issues with my family.  In fact this year some things happened that 4 years ago they might have sent me over the edge.  My brother is a big ass.  Sorry to say that but it just isn't me who thinks that.  His kids feel the same way and the sad thing is they would tell you that they feel like he has never been there for them.  The problem?  My parents raised him that way.  They raised him like a Prince and he grew into a King and finally my parents can see that he is a piece of work but they know they can't change him.  Case in point...I asked my parents to come up for Christmas at Thanksgiving.  They would not give me an answer.  But let my brother call and they can come up and I get the song and dance that they feel like that they have to choose between us and they hate we don't get along, blah, blah, blah.  I told my parents that I never wanted them to feel like they have to choose.  If they wanted to accept my brother's invitation they I was fine with it and for the first time in my life I was o.k. with it.  What made me so sad was that my brother did not even call to invite us.  That hurt but that's him.  He sent me a text Christmas Eve, I'm sure after my Dad said something about us not being there, saying that we didn't need a invitation to come to their house and he was sorry that we felt that way.  Now really.  This is a brother who lives less than 30 minutes from me that I never talk to and we never know what is going on in each other's lives except through our parents.  I suppose to just show up Christmas Eve?  How do I know that they didn't go to their place at Lakeway?  Their time-share in Hawaii?  I'm suppose to know that they are to be home.  Anyway, I fired off a reply telling him that I don't go anywhere I'm not invited and how was I to know what they are doing for the holidays.  I told him that I guess my parents needed a formal invite but I didn't wasn't flying with me.  I told him to grow up and be a brother and then wished him a Merry Christmas.  Story done.

Anna was shocked to see that I was not grieved about it.  If it had happened in the past I would have been devastated.   I told Anna that next year Mark and I were going to plan our own holoidays, let everyone know what we were doing and that they were invited to come and that is that.  I want to spend the next holidays on a special trip with just Mark and I or have people over who have no one to celebrate the day with.  We have done it in the past and had such a good time.  Istn't that what the holidays are about?  Being with each other?

So at the close of my session with Anna today she asked me if I wanted to book ahead.  I already have an appointment in 2 weeks and I told her that I would keep that.  I told her that I felt like I was ready to just see her once a month.  I told her that while I knew I was o.k. and that life was sweet and I loved everything going on in my life I didn't want to let her go.  I told her "Damn it Anna, you have become a friend!  I want you to be a part of this journey.  I want to have access to you if for any reason I need help along with the way with the changes that my body is going to go through."  She told me that we were friends and that she was always going to be there and she wanted to be a part of the journey.  She told me that she is only a text or a call away and reminded me that we have upcoming shopping dates.  That made me smile because 2-3 years ago I told her that when I reached my goal that I wanted her to help me buy my new wardrobe.  I love her style.  She told me she would love to do that.  I gave her a Pandora charm that has a dress on a hanger for her bracelet.  It was my promise to her that I was going to cash that promise in some day.  Our first shopping date?  When I lose 60 more lbs and I'm going to Salt Lake City to meet Michael and Janet.  That trip I want to look my best and I want Anna to help me buy and accessorize.

She ended telling me again how proud she was of me, making my own decisions, believing in them and trusting myself.  She told me that I was o.k.  I love that woman!  Beautiful inside and out.  She was the greatest thing that came out of the worse friendship I ever had.  Mike.

I actually drove away from her office with a peace that surpasses all understanding and a big smile on my face.  I truly one day Anna and I will part and I will be o.k.

I'm ready.

Crazy Day!

Today I had a Dr.'s appointment and all I can say is "What a day!"

Our gate has been broken and I had a company come out to fix it, but the guy who came out needed to call Tech Support and they were closed till the first of the year.  So today was the day they chose to come back out and of course I was gone.  We thought we were going to have to buy a new unit for the gate to the tune of $2,000.  Well, the problem was a loose battery connection and while I was thrilled at the news I wasn't happy when I got home and the gate wouldn't open!  My dear sweet husband failed to tell me when he tried to re-set the gate he might have erased the codes to our clickers!  Long story short they rushed back to the house and reprogrammed my clicker and I had access to my house!

I had also stopped at Chick-Fil-A and picked up a side salad without cheese and a 12 piece grilled nuggets.  I was going to make a delicious salad for lunch adding a whole avocado.  I had my mouth set on it.  I was still irritated about the delay to get into the house (at least an hour) and I lost it when I opened the bag to find out they missed my order up and gave me fried nuggets!  I was pissed, not feeling the greatest and starving.  It was 3:00!  I just ate them.  Not the right choice but that is what I did.  I paid for it too!  I felt like crap!  My stomached rumbled and my head hurt, my energy level hit skid row.  You don't eat clean (real clean) for 10 weeks and then expect to feel good when you "dirty" your system up.  I will probably pay for it for a few days.  It wasn't worth it!

Here is the difference in working with Michael Banks over the stupid WW Mike.  When I missed up on WW, Mike would yell at me and made sure I felt like crap for doing it and he would have had all kinds of "Why?" questions for me.  I texted Michael and told him what I did and I got no response.  Do I think he is mad at me?  My first reaction was yes because that is what I'm geared to.  Once I thought about it I know he isn't mad at me.  But I know he expects me to move on.  He warned me in the beginning that I would blow his program.  He told me it was inevitable.  He told me when I did to drink a warm glass of lemon water as it would help my body rid itself of the bad stuff.  He expects me to forget it and move on.  That is what I've done.  Tonight I had a good healthy clean meal of grilled salmon, broccoli and cauliflower along with a sweet potato with coconut butter.  YUM!  My favorite meal!!!!

Tomorrow I will keep moving forward.

Woo Hoo!

Weigh-in day!  I lost 6.2 lbs!  70.7 since April and 40.7 since I started working with Michael Oct. 20th!  My average with Michael is 4 lbs a week!  Better than WW!!!!  I'm loving it!

Not feeling the greatest.  Just watched some movies, slept and cross-stitched.

Praying for a better tomorrow and better week!

I'm sorry this is so short!  That means tomorrow must be going to be a long one.  Not to chatty today.  I want to go to bed.

Yea me today!

Hanging In There!

Today was a lazy day!  Didn't feel the greatest and I wish I was kicking this pneumonia quicker than this!

Really all I did today was ate, watched TV, cross-stitched and bugged Mark!  It was a quiet day.  We did finish a movie we started last night and watched a Morgan Freeman movie.  I like his stuff.  Great Actor!  I wished I had the energy to get some cooking done for the week.  Maybe tomorrow.  That is one thing I'm not in love with in my new life, but it is necessary.  I'll get use to it eventually.

I did finish a cross stitch ornament today.  It only took 4 years!  LOL!  Here's a picture of it:

Now I need to find a finisher to turn it into a ornament for next year's tree!  I want a cross stitch ornament tree so bad!  This is the first one done!  Yea me!

I may have to cancel an important appointment with my Cardiologist.  When I saw him earlier this month I asked him if he thought the A-Fib was a result of the shape my lungs were in back in April.  He pondered a few minutes and told me that it could be.  During that visit he reduced my medicine that helps control my heart beat by half.  He wants me to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours to investigate this further.  I'm not sure if he will want to do this with me having pneumonia or wait till I'm over it.  We'll see.  I can't tell you how happy I am with him cutting my medication back by half.  I will be jumping for joy if I truly don't have A-Fib!

I need to feel better tomorrow so I better get some sleep.  I'm sorry for such a short post.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more to share.  I want to wake up feeling better!

Also tomorrow is weigh-in day!

Lazy Day!

Tonight Mark cooked a wonderful dinner for us.  Sweet potatoes,  green beans and grilled salmon!  My most favorite meal now!   Salmon has become my new steak!   LOL!  After that he wanted to watch the movie Philadelphia with Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington.  Yea, we hadn't seen it but man it was good.  The great dinner and movie distracted me from writing last night!

In one of my last few posts I told you that I had quit Downsize. Well I got them to put my contract on hold because of finances.   I thought it might be cheaper to go back v to 24 Hour Fitness with a trainer once a week but boy was I ever wrong!!! A unlimited contract with Downsize runs me $209 a month.   That includes a trainer shared with up to 8 other people.  24 Hour... $26 a month and a trainer for 5 seasons is over $430!  Guess I will be going back to Downsize with a lesser contract.  I want to go back to Zumba as soon as I can get this bone spur taken care of and about 30-40 lbs off.  I just hung up the phone with Downsize and I dropped to 10 classes a month and that should work out well for me.  One thing that I hate about our Downsize location is the owner is concentrating so much on getting members the gym is boring and has no set rules.  For example...the Owner's son manages the gym.  He's 24.  That should be all I have to say.  With the Owner over 150 miles away he can do basically what he wants to do.  Downsize is a gym where you signup for a class.  So let's say I sign up for a 10:00 strength training class.  Two others also sign up for the class.  I get there at 9:50, put my stuff up, go to the bathroom and I'm ready to go at 10.  Manager wants to just visit with me till the other two show up consistently 10-15 minutes late.  He WAITS!!!!  So if my plans are to finish up by 10:45 and head for a Dr.'s appt. I don't get my allotted time and I was there first.  I brought this up to the Owner's attention back in Oct. He agreed that I shouldn't have to wait and class should begin on time.  Promised he would send a email out about tardiness and as of today, it has not happened!  That is one of my pet peeves.  Second, the manager/trainer makes up our class as we go along so he spends time grabbing and handing us equipment as he stammers along.  The other trainer who works when he is out has 8 stations set up with everything we need to keep the class going.  I feel like I get an amazing workout when she trains.  Thirdly, you are suppose to be able to sign up for a class an hour before it goes off.  I can't tell you how many times the manager will call me and ask me to come at a later time because he has errands to run!  ERRANDS!!!!!  This gym is a 45 minute trip from my house one-way.  I don't have 2 hours and 15 minutes a day to have to wait and then have a workout that I don't sweat at!  I'm happy to put in the drive time but I don't want to waste time either.  I also want a workout that will do me some good!  My prayer is that the gym will go and my favorite trainer will actually get assigned classes to teach and I will go to hers.  Rant over! Do you blame me for being irritated at this?  Leave me a comment with your thoughts!

I didn't feel the greatest today.  I did cross-stitch for a bit, made breakfast and lunch, took meds and did breathing treatments like a good girl!  I hope I find the energy tomorrow to start taking down Christmas decorations!

Be good!

Happy New Year!!!!

I said I would get out here and get this blog going again and here I am! 

Bad news. Today I spent some time in a ER Clinic. I have pneumonia!  Yes,  you read it right!  Thanks to my sweet grandson who came to see me the day after Christmas croupie and ran straight for me and coughed in my face!  Oh what we are willing to go through for such sweetness!  Right?   They're gone now and I'm missing them like crazy!  I wish they didn't live in Kansas!

Christmas was the norm for my family.  Dysfunctional!   I cried lots of tears and my feelings were hurt but it is behind me.

I decorated more than I have in over 10 years. The house was beautiful and people were amazed.  It felt good.  Now to pack it all back up.  It will get done but I'm going to have to feel a lot better than I do right now.

Food wise the holiday's were amazing.  I stuck to my new lifestyle, adapted to it and didn't look back.  If anything it made me stronger and it proved to myself that I can do this and I want this more than anything.  For once I believe this is going to happen. 

So,  feeling like crud,  I kept my commitment and I got out here on my phone no less and happily wrote to all of you.  So... tomorrow night I will write again and share some more.

My resolution is to end this year at a weight that I haven't been in a very long time.  Like over 30 years.  What were your's?  Leave me a comment and let me know.  I'm truly interested!

Till tomorrow...

Amost A Month!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

I have been real self-centered!  My apologies!

I've just been caught up getting my life back!  I have lost 35.7 lbs since Oct 20!  That is as of this past Sunday!  362.0!  I'm really on my way.  It sure beats 427 lbs in April when I had the crap scared out of me!

When I hit 100 lbs. I will be receiving a trip to Salt Lake to meet Michael, his colleagues and my friend Janet.  I can't wait for that!

I tried writing a few days ago and upload a video that Michael had me do.  He had me do another one this past Sunday.  I tried everything I could to get them posted here but they would not go!  I you are on Facebook then search for Body By Banks and you will be able to see my progress.

I will be back blogging every single day January 1.  I am also going to have the blog art work changed.  Things have been on the back burner.

Some news is:

I quit Downsize Fitness.  Yes, you read that right.  I'll tell you more next year.

I'm loving what I'm doing!

I LOVE the way I feel!

I'm ready to stop seeing Anna except when I really need her!

I'm off my anti-depressants and....

My heart medicine has been reduced and there's a possibility I don't have A-Fib!!!!!



Lots to talk about that I have learned.  I have to share!

So.....

Merry Christmas to you and yours!  Of course Happy New Years too!

I'll have a post up on January 1!  I'd love for you to share the journey back to life with me!