Today I saw Anna and we had a good visit. That is what our sessions have been like for the last several months. Just going and chatting with a friend. Telling her what is going on in my life and really not doing any work. I do most of the talking and at the end she tells me how well I'm doing, how proud she is of me and tells me that I have come a long way. You know what? I have.
It is hard to believe that 4 years ago I was a very troubled woman with deep scars and a troubled view of my family. Low self-esteem drove me to eat uncontrollably and binge a lot. What I have found over the last 4 years is I can't control my family and what they do. I am a good person, I am fun to be with, I care deeply about everything, but the biggest thing is I AM O.K.
I think that I told you all that I decided to stop my anti-depressants back in April after the hospital stay. I was at a pretty low after being told that "the Volkswagen is going to pull the Mac truck must longer!" When that stupid cardiologist would do anything but tell me that I was going to die. I decided then if I am going to die I'm not going to take happy pills. You know it was the best decision of my life. I've been off of them now for nearly 9 months. Depressed? No. I didn't even tell Anna that I stopped them till September and she was shocked and she didn't think that it was a good idea. She has since changed her mind and agrees that I don't need them anymore. I tried to convince Mark Lajsek that I wanted off and he would not help me get off. I tried and tried each time I went to see him convince him to let me wean off and he disagreed. I was off them but I didn't know how to stop coming to see him. The last time I saw him he really peeved me off by telling me that we had just made changes to what I was taking and he thought we should stay where we were at. Remind you I was not taking them for the last 6 months! It really showed me that does a Psychiatrist really know if you need these drugs. I think we as individual knows and I'm not going to discount that there are people who really need them and are not on them. I have a neighbor that is so Bi-polar it isn't funny. I see her mood swing 3-4 times in a single conversation. Her family sees it and there is no convincing her that she needs them. In those cases I do think Dr.'s know. For ordinary depression I thing we as individuals know if we need them. There was a time I really needed them and I am grateful that I had them. I had an appointment scheduled to see Mark again early Dec. and I called and just cancelled the appointment and told them that I would not be coming back.
I went through the holidays with typical issues with my family. In fact this year some things happened that 4 years ago they might have sent me over the edge. My brother is a big ass. Sorry to say that but it just isn't me who thinks that. His kids feel the same way and the sad thing is they would tell you that they feel like he has never been there for them. The problem? My parents raised him that way. They raised him like a Prince and he grew into a King and finally my parents can see that he is a piece of work but they know they can't change him. Case in point...I asked my parents to come up for Christmas at Thanksgiving. They would not give me an answer. But let my brother call and they can come up and I get the song and dance that they feel like that they have to choose between us and they hate we don't get along, blah, blah, blah. I told my parents that I never wanted them to feel like they have to choose. If they wanted to accept my brother's invitation they I was fine with it and for the first time in my life I was o.k. with it. What made me so sad was that my brother did not even call to invite us. That hurt but that's him. He sent me a text Christmas Eve, I'm sure after my Dad said something about us not being there, saying that we didn't need a invitation to come to their house and he was sorry that we felt that way. Now really. This is a brother who lives less than 30 minutes from me that I never talk to and we never know what is going on in each other's lives except through our parents. I suppose to just show up Christmas Eve? How do I know that they didn't go to their place at Lakeway? Their time-share in Hawaii? I'm suppose to know that they are to be home. Anyway, I fired off a reply telling him that I don't go anywhere I'm not invited and how was I to know what they are doing for the holidays. I told him that I guess my parents needed a formal invite but I didn't wasn't flying with me. I told him to grow up and be a brother and then wished him a Merry Christmas. Story done.
Anna was shocked to see that I was not grieved about it. If it had happened in the past I would have been devastated. I told Anna that next year Mark and I were going to plan our own holoidays, let everyone know what we were doing and that they were invited to come and that is that. I want to spend the next holidays on a special trip with just Mark and I or have people over who have no one to celebrate the day with. We have done it in the past and had such a good time. Istn't that what the holidays are about? Being with each other?
So at the close of my session with Anna today she asked me if I wanted to book ahead. I already have an appointment in 2 weeks and I told her that I would keep that. I told her that I felt like I was ready to just see her once a month. I told her that while I knew I was o.k. and that life was sweet and I loved everything going on in my life I didn't want to let her go. I told her "Damn it Anna, you have become a friend! I want you to be a part of this journey. I want to have access to you if for any reason I need help along with the way with the changes that my body is going to go through." She told me that we were friends and that she was always going to be there and she wanted to be a part of the journey. She told me that she is only a text or a call away and reminded me that we have upcoming shopping dates. That made me smile because 2-3 years ago I told her that when I reached my goal that I wanted her to help me buy my new wardrobe. I love her style. She told me she would love to do that. I gave her a Pandora charm that has a dress on a hanger for her bracelet. It was my promise to her that I was going to cash that promise in some day. Our first shopping date? When I lose 60 more lbs and I'm going to Salt Lake City to meet Michael and Janet. That trip I want to look my best and I want Anna to help me buy and accessorize.
She ended telling me again how proud she was of me, making my own decisions, believing in them and trusting myself. She told me that I was o.k. I love that woman! Beautiful inside and out. She was the greatest thing that came out of the worse friendship I ever had. Mike.
I actually drove away from her office with a peace that surpasses all understanding and a big smile on my face. I truly one day Anna and I will part and I will be o.k.
I'm ready.
No comments:
Post a Comment